Comedy films

14527 quotes found

"Mel Brook's History of the World - Part I shows its stripes right from the opening scene. In this Dawn of Man episode, apelike creatures rise up from the mud, learning to stand erect and reaching nobly toward the heavens. Then they begin bumping, grinding, rutting, gyrating and otherwise slipping back to the slime from whence they came. The movie, like these primitives, delights in being lowdown. Even by prehistoric standards, Mr. Brooks's latest comedy is especially crude... There are loads of familiarly funny gags in the film... But the movie is so sour that its humor is often undermined, because so many of the jokes are either mean-spirited or scatological, or both. Women are either explicitly predatory or stupidly decorative, and homosexuals are made fun of regularly. Bathroom jokes are everywhere. Flamboyantly bad taste, which Mr. Brooks raised to the level of supreme wit in his Springtime for Hitler number in The Producers, is this time just bad. A musical number about the Spanish Inquisition, with Mr. Brooks playing a torturer who merrily abuses Jews, is about as crashingly unfunny as a musical number can be...In Rome, we... watch a gladiator on an unemployment line, being asked... Did you kill last week? Did you try to kill last week?... As a waiter at the Last Supper, Mr. Brooks is seen asking the apostles whether they'd like separate checks. As Moses, addressed by the Lord, he mutters: Yes, I hear you, I hear you. A deaf man could hear you!"

- History of the World: Part I

0 likes1980s American filmsAnthology filmsComedy filmsMusical filmsSpoof films
"Brooks casts his comedic eye at humanity's past and... seems to view our story as one of big guys keeping little guys down. To quote the film's most famous line: "It's good to be the king." ...King Louis XVI (Brooks) goes clay pigeon shooting with peasants, where a man is thrown in prison for saying the lower classes "ain't so bad" and where the Roman Senate angrily shouts "F**k the poor!" Brooks doesn't merely lampoon economic injustices. Sexism, racism, anti-Semitism and human cruelty in general are all satirized... If there is a running theme in Brooks' view of major historical events..., it is that people with money and power have great lives. For people without those things — or who belong to marginalized groups in general — life stinks. ..the genius of "History of the World" is that it manages to subtly convey Brooks' social critiques in the packaging of a zany Borscht Belt comedy. If climate change and pollution destroy the human race, and an alien civilization was to find just one work of art to understand the human condition, I can't think of anything better than "History of the World." This is not being said in jest. "History of the World" captures one of the greatest joys of human existence — the ability to laugh — even as it recounts some of the most important events in our collective story. Perhaps most significantly, it chronicles the stupidity and selfishness that will have led to our downfall."

- History of the World: Part I

0 likes1980s American filmsAnthology filmsComedy filmsMusical filmsSpoof films
"That night I had a dream. I dreamt I was as light as the ether, a floating spirit visiting things to come. The shades and shadows of the people in my life wrestled their way into my slumber. I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison. Probably that's just as well. I don't mean to sound superior, and they're a swell couple of guys, but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world. And then I dreamed on, into the future, to a Christmas morn in the Arizona home where Nathan Junior was opening a present from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown. I saw Glen a few years later, still having no luck getting the cops to listen to his wild tales about me and Ed. Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many. I don't know. And still I dreamed on, further into the future than I'd ever dreamed before, watching Nathan Junior's progress from afar, taking pride in his accomplishments, as if he were our own, wondering if he ever thought of us, and hoping that maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little, even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened. But still I hadn't dreamt nothin' about me and Ed, until the end. And this was cloudier, 'cause it was years, years away. But I saw an old couple being visited by their children, and all their grandchildren too. The old couple wasn't screwed up, and neither were their kids or their grandkids. And I don't know. You tell me. This whole dream, was it wishful thinking? Was I just fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do? But me and Ed, we can be good, too. And it seemed real. It seemed like us, and it seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away, where all parents are strong and wise and capable, and all children are happy and beloved. I don't know. Maybe it was Utah."

- Raising Arizona

0 likes1980s American filmsComedy filmsFilms set in ArizonaFilms about abductionFilms directed by the Coen brothers
"[Grinch: [arrives on the roof with Max] C'mon, Max. It's our first stop!] The old Grinchy Claus hissed, and he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. [the Grinch prepares to go down the chimney with rope on his feet] He'd slide down the chimney, a rather tight pinch. But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. [Grinch: [imitating sports announcer] He's planning a double-twisting interrupted by forward-flying 2 1/2 with a combo tuck and pike… High degree of difficulty. [jumps high in the air as bungee jumping while vocalizing] Whoo! [leans closer to the chimney] LAA-LAAA-LAAAAAAAA!!! [lands in the chimney upside down, and gets stuck since he gained a couple of pounds from the Whobilation]] He got stuck only once... for a moment or 2. [Grinch: Blasted water weight. Goes right to my hips. [struggles his arms to free himself as he slides down and lands and hits his head by the fireplace] Ow! Gee! [looks at the view of the living room]] Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue... [Grinch: [to the narrator; breaking the 4th wall again] Shh. A little more stealth, please.] [whispering] [Grinch: These stockings...] [normal voice] He grinned. [Grinch: ...Are the first thing(s) to go. [picks out a jar of moths] Okay, fellas. Chow time. [frees the moths, sticks his head back up just as the moths eat the stockings]]"

- How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000 film)

0 likesComedy filmsFantasy filmsChristmas comedy filmsFilms based on children's booksFilms based on works by Dr. Seuss
"Then he slunk to the icebox. [Grinch: [hugs the fridge into place.] Slunk. [opens up the fridge]] He eyed the Whos feast. He took the Who pudding! [The Grinch throws a plate of Who pudding away] He took... the Roast Beast! [Grinch: [imitating football player] HIKE!!!!!!!!!! [tosses the Roast Beast in a football hike position, and messes everything up the fridge]] He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash. Why, that Grinch… he even took their last can of Who Hash. [The Grinch opens up the cupboard to reveal the last can of Who Hash inside in it just as Cindy opens the door.] Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee. [Grinch: And now...] Grinned The Grinch. [Grinch: [grabs the tree] ...I'll stuff up the tree! [walks to the fireplace with the Christmas tree] And the Grinch grabbed the tree as he started to shove... when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. [Cindy Lou Who: Excuse me.] [the Grinch stops, and hides behind the tree] The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who daughter who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water. [Cindy Lou Who: Santa Claus? What are you doing with our tree?] But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick... [Grinch coughs] ...He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick. [Grinch: [imitating Santa] Why, my sweet little tot.] The fake Santa Claus lied. [Grinch: There's a light on this tree... that won't light on one side. So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. [laughs, and Cindy giggles] I'll fix it up there, and I'll bring it back here.] [Cindy Lou Who: Santa, what's Christmas really about?] [Grinch: Vengeance! Er, I mean... presents... I suppose.] [Cindy Lou Who: I was afraid of that.] And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head, and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed."

- How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000 film)

0 likesComedy filmsFantasy filmsChristmas comedy filmsFilms based on children's booksFilms based on works by Dr. Seuss
"My dear Aknot, what about those two little planes you borrowed? [sees Aknot's human face] Aknot, is that you? What an ugly face. It doesn't suit you. Take it off. [Aknot's face transforms into a Mangalore's] Much better. Never be ashamed of who you are. You're warriors, be proud. So what if the Federal Government scattered your people into the wind? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Your time for revenge is at hand. Voila! The ZF-1. [activates a ZF-1 and holds it] It's light; handle's adjustable for easy carrying; good for righties and lefties; breaks down into four parts; undetectable by X-ray; ideal for quick discreet interventions. A word on firepower. Titanium recharger; 3000-round clip with bursts of 3 to 300. And with the replay button, another Zorg invention, it's even easier. [lights reveal a mannequin in police gear] One shot... [shoots mannequin]...and replay sends every following shot to the same location. [turns around, shooting in the direction of the Mangalores; bullets curve their trajectory and hit the mannequin instead] And to finish the job, all the Zorg oldies-but-goldies. [fires every weapon at the mannequin as he mentions them] Rocket launcher... arrow launcher, with exploding or poisonous gas heads, very practical... our famous net launcher... the always-efficient flamethrower, my favorite... [winks to the Mangalores] and for the grand finale, the all-new 'Ice-cube System'! [fires a cloud of liquid nitrogen which freezes the remains of the mannequin. Mangalores applaud politely by carnage and were very impressed]"

- The Fifth Element

0 likesAction filmsEpic filmsSpace adventure filmsComedy filmsScience fiction films
"[Prologue] That's right. New York. It's 1958. Anyway, for a few more minutes it is. Come midnight it's gonna be 1959. A whole 'nother feelin'. The New Year. The future. Yeah ole daddy Earth fixin' to start one more trip 'round the sun and everybody hopin' this ride 'round be a little more giddy, a little more gay. Yep, all over town champagne corks is a-poppin'. Over in the Waldorf the big shots is dancin' to the strains of Guy Lombardo. Down in Times Square the little folks is a watchin' and waitin' for that big ball to drop. They all tryin' to catch hold of one moment of time. To be able to say "Right now! This is it! I got it!" 'Course by then it'll be past. But they all happy, everybody havin' a good time. Well, almost everybody. They's a few lost souls floatin' 'round out there. Now if ya'll ain't from the city, we have something here called "the rat race." Got a way of chewing folks up so that they don't want no celebrating, don't want no cheerin' up, and don't care nothing 'bout no New Year's. Out of hope. Out of rope. Out of time. This here is Norville Barnes. That office he's steppin' out of is the office of the president of Hudsucker Industries. It's his office. How'd he get so high? And why is he feelin' so low? Is he really gonna do it? Is Norville really gonna jelly up the sidewalk? Well, the future, that's something you can't never tell about. But the past, that's another story."

- The Hudsucker Proxy

0 likes1990s American filmsComedy filmsFilms set in New York CityScreenplays by Sam RaimiFilms about advertising
"I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. A boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say "I do." I was wrong. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I've just been through one. Not my own. My daughter's. Annie Banks-MacKenzie. That's her married name. MacKenzie. I'll be honest with you. When I bought this house seventeen years ago, it cost me less than this blessed event in which Annie Banks became Annie Banks-MacKenzie. I'm told that one day I'll look back on all this with great affection and nostalgia. I hope so. You fathers will understand. You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never imagine. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. How she used to sit in my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said that I was her hero. Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears pierced and she wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. Next thing you know she's wearing eye shadow and high heels. From that moment on, you're in a constant state of panic. You worry about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who only want one thing—and you know exactly what that one thing is because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then she gets a little older and you quit worrying about her meeting the wrong guy and you worry about her meeting the right guy. And that's the biggest fear of all because then you lose her. And before you know it, you're sitting all alone in a big, empty house, wearing rice on your tux, wondering what happened to your life. It was just six months ago that it happened here. Just six months ago that the storm broke."

- Father of the Bride (1991 film)

0 likes1990s American filmsComedy filmsRemake filmsFilms about weddingsMidlife crisis films
"[opening monologue] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… Ah-ha-ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhh… So that’s, you know, coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach. Strengthening the... AH! A lot of guys ignore the laugh and that's about standards. I mean, if you're gonna get into the Evil League of Evil, you have to have a memorable laugh. What, do you think Bad Horse didn't work on his whinny? His terrible death-whinny? No response, BTW, from the League, yet. But my application is strong this year. A letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor--that's got to have some weight. So… fingers crossed! ...E-mails! [leafs through pieces of paper] 2Sly4U writes: "Hey Genius." Wow, sarcasm! That's original! [realizes he said that sarcastically] "Where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your Transmatter Ray? Obviously, it failed or it would be in the papers." Well, no. They're not gonna say anything in the press, but behold! Transported from there... [holds up a ZipLock bag full of mud-colored liquid] ...to here! The molecules tend to shift during the transmatter, uh, event. But they were transported in bar form and they clearly were-- And by the way, it's not about making money, it's about taking money. Destroying the status quo because the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just... need to rule it. I’m gonna... [puts the bag away] Smells like cumin. So, transmatter is seventy-five percent, and more importantly, the Freeze Ray is almost up. This is the one. Stops time. Freeze Ray. Tell your friends. [continues reading] We have... Oh! Here's one from our good friend Johnny Snow: "Doctor Horrible, I see you are once again afraid to do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Dooley Park for forty-five minutes--" Okay, dude. You're not my nemesis. My nemesis... is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer, Corporate Tool. Dislocated my shoulder... again... last week. Look, I'm just trying to change the world, okay? I don't have time for a grudge match with every poseur in a parka. Besides there's kids in that park, so... Here's one from DeadNotSleeping: "Long time watcher, first time writing" blah, blah, blah, blah. "You always say in your blogs that you will 'show her the way, show her that you are a true villain'. Who is 'her' and does she even know that you’re a..." [sings "My Freeze Ray"]"

- Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

0 likesComedy filmsScreenplays by Joss Whedon
"You two bozos don't even realize, you've just stumbled upon the darkest secret in the history of rock. I actually saw it once, I used to be a guitar tech, and the lead guitarist comes on, holding this weird looking thing, with horns on, made of green ivory or some shit. He starts shredding licks way beyond his capabilities. Like shit it had to be coming from somewhere else. It was the Pick, it wasn't him. He didn't know what he had, though. So at the end of the show he just flicks it back into the audience. Some kid catches it. Kid named Eddie van Halen. So I started researching it. I quit my job, moved to Rome, learned Latin. I came to the trust of the senior librarian at the Vatican, he called himself Signore Papadillo - He led me into some shit you wouldn't believe. You see this: It's an ancient scroll, all in Latin. I translated it. Took me six years. Turns out this thing goes deeper than you can imagine. Way deeper. Back to the Dark ages. See this: Long ago, a dark wizard used his power to conjure up Satan himself! Satanos - That's Latin for Satan. A horrific battle of violence ensued, but the ancient demon was far too powerful. Luckily, a blacksmith heard the Beast's roars. The Devil was drawn back into the fires of Hell, and the dark wizard was totally stoked to be alive. With a long draw of his hash pipe, the wizard sought a way to repay the blacksmith. The blacksmith loved a fair maiden, but in order to gain her affection, he would need a true master's skill to leave her moist and wanting. The dark wizard fashioned the demon's tooth into a pick, enabling the blacksmith to play the most masterful of melodies on his lute - Thereby winning the heart of the maiden he loved. The secret of the Pick died with that blacksmith, but then, poof, all of a sudden, it reappears back in the American South, at the turn of the century, in Robert Johnson's fingers, and spawns the birth of the blues, and rock 'n roll. The Pick is a tiny part of the Beast, and so it has supranatural qualities, a whole other level above super."

- Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

0 likesComedy filmsMusical filmsThe Devil in filmsHeavy metal films
"One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, at the time, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that. But then I thought, no, you know, maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot.[The gun fires accidentally, shattering a mirror] All of a sudden, the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. And suddenly neighbors were, were pounding on the door, and, and I don't know, the whole scene was just pandemonium. And, uh, you know, I-I-I ran to the door, I-I didn't know what to say. You know, I was-I was embarrassed and confused and my-my-my mind was r-r-racing a mile a minute. And I-I just knew one thing.I-I-I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and-and clear my head. And I remember very clearly, I walked the streets. I walked and I walked. I-I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and un-unreal to me. And I wandered for a long time on the Upper West Side, you know, and-and it must have been hours. You know, my-my feet hurt, my head was-was pounding, and-and I had to sit down. I went into a movie house. I-I didn't know what was playing or anything.I just, I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and, and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and, you know, the movie was a-a-a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and-and I always, uh, loved it. And, you know, I'm-I'm watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film, you know. And I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself. I mean isn't it so stupid? I mean, l-look at all the people up there on the screen. You know, they're real funny, and-and what if the worst is true.What if there's no God, and you only go around once and that's it. Well, you know, don't you want to be part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it's-it's not all a drag. And I'm thinkin' to myself, geez, I should stop ruining my life - searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after, who knows? I mean, you know, maybe there is something. Nobody really knows. I know, I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself."

- Hannah and Her Sisters

0 likesComedy films1980s American filmsFilms about adulteryFilms set in New York CityFilms directed by Woody Allen
"[Opening narration] Ever had one of those nights that starts out like any other, but ends up being the best night of your life? It was June the 22nd, 1990: our final day of school. There was Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightley, and me. They called me the King...because...my name's Gary King! Ollie was funny, he fancied himself as a bit of player, but really, he was all mouth. We called him "O-Man" because he had a birthmark on his forehead that looked like a 6. Haha He loved it! Pete was the baby of the group. He wasn't the kind of kid we'd usually hang out with, but, he was good for a laugh...and he was absolutely minted! Steve was a pretty cool guy. We jammed together, chased the girls... I think he saw us as rivals! Hmph! Sweet, really. And Andy... Andy was my wingman, the one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and... I'm not being funny, but, I loved him too. There was nothing we were gonna miss about school! Maybe Mr Shepherd, he was definitely one of the good guys. He used to ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him “I just wanted to have a good time”. He thought that was funny. It wasn't meant to be funny - not that night! Newton Haven was our hometown, our playground, our universe. And that night, it was the site of a heroic quest. The aim? To conquer the Golden Mile, twelve pubs along a legendary path of alcoholic indulgence. There was The First Post, The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall, all before reaching our destiny: The World's End! We took my car into town; I call it The Beast, because she was pretty hairy! And so our journey into manhood began. We were off! We didn't waste any time; we hit pub one, and we hit it hard! There was drinking, there was fun, there was controversy, there were ladies, there were shots, there was drama, and of course, there was drinking! By pub five, we were feeling invincible, and decided to purchase some herbal refreshment from a man we call The Reverend Green. Pint six put O-Man out of commission, so we carried on without him. Good thing; I bumped into his sister in the next pub, we went into the disabled's and I bumped into her again! Sam tagged along for a while, but then I had to let her go; I had another date that night and her name was Amber! Nine pints in, and it was us against the world. Things got mental in The Beehive, so we repaired to the bowls club, or as we liked to call it, the 'Smokehouse' - which is when it all went fuck-up! Everyone got Para(noid) and Pete chucked a whitey, so we had to bench him. In the end, we blew off the last three pubs and headed to the hills. I remember sittin' up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes, seeing the orange glow of a new dawn breaking, and knowing in my heart that life would never feel this good again. And you know what? It never did."

- The World's End (film)

0 likesComedy filmsScience fiction filmsFilms about extraterrestrial lifeFilms about robotsBritish films
"Well it's 4 o'clock on this lovely, peaceful Christmas afternoon and this is Dickie Bird here being a very happy Christmas worm. You know, I got really sentimental after the morning show today, and I thought about poor, old Steve Kelly having to come in here and spend the afternoon away from his lovely wife and happy kids, so bachelor-boy Dickie volunteered and here I am. You know, I must be crackers, mad or crazy, but to tell you the truth, we're having a pretty good time in Metro Sound today. There's definitely a party atmosphere. We've got the food, we've got the goodies and the odd drink or two, so don't you feel too sorry for us. And, anyway, Hilary Sandeman has promised all us Christmas workers an extra four weeks holiday in the Caribbean as a means of compensation, so that can't be at all bad. An awfully nice boss Hilary is. So I hope that you'll stay with us and let us join your party, or if you haven't got a party of your own, you come and join ours. So cheers everybody in this great big, weird and wonderful city of ours. And listen folks, I'm not going to tell you what the time is today, or tell you what the traffic is doing, or tell you what's happening with the weather. Oh no, we're gonna have a day away from all that. I'm just gonna sit back, play you some very nice music, talk my head off, and tell you some of the worst jokes that you're ever likely to repeat. So in the meantime, here's a little bit of music while I tuck in to my Christmas pud. Merry Christmas, everybody, God bless us, everyone."

- Comfort and Joy (1984 film)

0 likesScottish filmsComedy films
"It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart. And it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin but not too thin, and you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also, you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be very grateful, but never forget the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing a woman, then I don't even know."

- Barbie (film)

0 likesBarbieFantasy filmsComedy films2020s American filmsFantasy-comedy films