Comedy films

"[as everyone inside was about to go to Potter's bank for money] Now wait...now listen...now listen to me. I beg of you not to do this thing. If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan, there'll never be another decent house built in this town. He's already got charge of the bank. He's got the bus line. He got the department stores. And now he's after us. Why? Well, it's very simple. Because we're cutting in on his business, that's why. And because he wants to keep you living in his slums and paying the kind of rent he decides. Joe, you had one of those Potter houses, didn't you? Well, have you forgotten? Have you forgotten what he charged you for that broken-down shack? Here, Ed. You know, you remember last year when things weren't going so well, and you couldn't make your payments? You didn't lose your house, did you? Do you think Potter would have let you keep it? Can't you understand what's happening here? Don't you see what's happening? Potter isn't selling. Potter's buying! And why? Because we're panicking and he's not. That's why. He's picking up some bargains. Now, we can get through this thing all right. We've got to stick together, though. We've got to have faith in each other."

"Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me, show me the way... show me the way."

"Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me, Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. I want to live again. Please, God, let me live again."

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

"[Inscribed in a copy of Tom Sawyer] "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence.""

"[to George] Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world! You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man. What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk, crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help."

"[after Potter says George was unfit for military service] After all, Potter, some people like George HAD to stay at home. Not every heel was in Germany and Japan."

"They're making memories tonight!"

"Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! How could it be anything else?"

"It's a wonderful laugh! It's a wonderful love!"

"They're going steady...straight to your heart!"

"I wish I had a million dollars! Hot Dog!"

"Jimmy Stewart - George Bailey"

"Donna Reed - Mary Hatch Bailey"

"Henry Travers - Clarence Odbody"

"Lionel Barrymore - Mr. Henry F. Potter"

"Thomas Mitchell - Uncle Billy"

"Todd Karns - Harry Bailey"

"Gloria Grahame - Violet Bick"

"Beulah Bondi - Ma Bailey"

"Frank Faylen - Ernie Bishop"

"Ward Bond - Officer Bert"

"H.B. Warner - Mr. Emil Gower"

"Frank Albertson - Sam Wainwright"

"Samuel S. Hinds - Peter Bailey (Pa)"

"William Edmunds - Mr. Martini"

"Sheldon Leonard - Nick"

"There are no masses in Virginia City, only individuals whose will for good or bad can bring them to the ends they ought to have. I like that very much."

"Just keep saying to yourself "I'm adequate.""

"Dear friends, would those of you who know what this is all about please raise your hands?"

"I think if God is dead he laughed himself to death. Because, you see, we live in Eden. Genesis has got it all wrong — we never left the Garden. Look about you. This is paradise. It's hard to find, I'll grant you, but it is here. Under our feet, beneath the surface, all around us is everything we want. The earth is shining under the soot. We are all fools. Ha ha! Moriarty has made fools of all of us. But together, — you and I, tonight, — we'll bring him down."

"Here, let me give you one of my cards. Now if you should want to call me, use this number. That — that's the old one. If you happen to lose the card, don't worry — I — have plenty more."

"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."

"I always have a wonderful time, wherever I am, whoever I'm with."

"Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be," — she always called me Elwood — "In this world, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."

"Wouldn't that get a little monotonous, just Akron, cold beer and "poor, poor thing" for two weeks?"

"Harvey and I have things to do... we sit in the bars... have a drink or two... play the juke box. Very soon the faces of all the other people turn towards me and they smile. They say: "We don't know your name, mister, but you're a very nice fellow." Harvey and I warm ourselves in these golden moments. We came as strangers — soon we have friends. They come over. They sit with us. They drink with us. They talk to us. They tell us about the great big terrible things they've done and the great big wonderful things they're going to do. Their hopes, their regrets. Their loves, their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar. Then I introduce them to Harvey, and he's bigger and grander than anything they can offer me. And when they leave, they leave impressed. The same people seldom come back, but that's — that's envy, my dear. There's a little bit of envy in the best of us. That's too bad, isn't it?"

"I'd just helped Ed Hickey into a taxi. Ed had been mixing his rye with his gin, and I felt he needed conveying. I started to walk down the street when I heard a voice saying: "Good evening, Mr. Dowd". I turned, and there was this big white rabbit leaning against a lamp-post. Well, I thought nothing of that, because when you've lived in a town as long as I've lived in this one, you get used to the fact that everybody knows your name. And naturally, I went over to chat with him."

"We talked like that for a while and then I said to him, "You have the advantage on me. You know my name and I don't know yours." And right back at me he said, "What name do you like?" Well, I didn't even have to think twice about that. Harvey's always been my favorite name. So I said to him, I said, "Harvey." And, this — this is the interesting thing about the whole thing. He said, "What a coincidence. My name happens to be Harvey.""

"Oh, yes! Yes. Yes — these things always work out just the way Harvey says they will. He is very, very versatile. Did I tell you he could stop clocks? Well, you've heard the expression 'His face would stop a clock'? Well, Harvey can look at your clock and stop it. And you can go anywhere you like — with anyone you like — and stay as long as you like. And when you get back, not one minute will have ticked by. ... You see, science has overcome time and space. Well, Harvey has overcome not only time and space — but any objections."

"I plan to leave. You want me to stay. Well, an element of conflict in any discussion's a very good thing. It means everybody is taking part and nobody is left out."

"Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it."

"Oh, Myrtle, don't be didactic. It's not becoming in a young girl. Besides, men loathe it."

"As I was going down to the taxi cab to get Elwood's things, this awful man stepped out. He was a white slaver, I know he was. He was wearing one of those white suits, that's how they advertise."

"I took a course in art last winter. I learnt the difference between a fine oil painting, and a mechanical thing, like a photograph. The photograph shows only the reality. The painting shows not only the reality, but the dream behind it. It's our dreams, doctor, that carry us on. They separate us from the beasts. I wouldn't want to go on living if I thought it was all just eating, and sleeping, and taking my clothes off, I mean putting them on..."

"Mrs. Ethel Chauvenet: Is, is that Mrs. Frank Cummings? Doesn't she look ghastly, I thought she was dead. I must get a closer look."

"The Taxi Driver: ...I've been driving this route for 15 years. I've brought them out here to get that stuff, and I've drove them home after they had it. It changes them... On they way out here, they sit back and enjoy the ride. They talk to me, some times we stop and watch the sunset, and look at the birds fly. And sometimes we stop and watch the birds when there ain't no birds. And look at the sunset when its raining. We have a swell time. And I always get a big tip. But afterwards, uh oh! ...They crab, crab, crab. They yell at me. Watch the lights. Watch the brakes, Watch the intersection. They scream at me to hurry. They got no faith in me, or my buggy. Yet, it's the same cab, the same driver. And we're going back over the very same road. It's no fun. And no tips... After this he'll be a perfectly normal human being and you know what stinkers they are."

"Myrtle Mae Simmons: Oh, mother, people get run over by trucks every day. Why can't something like that happen to Uncle Elwood?"

"Dr. Chumley: So, you gave him a pass, Dr. Sanderson?! Perhaps they neglected to tell you at medical school that a rabbit has large pointed ears!?! Do you know what you've done? You've allowed a psychopathic case to walk out of here and roam around with an overgrown white rabbit! You've laid me open to a lawsuit! I shall have to do something I haven't done for fifteen years! I'll have to go after this man, Dowd, and bring him back! But when I do, Dr. Sanderson, your connection with this institution will have ended — as of that moment!"

"Dr. Chumley: I'm going over to get your brother and bring him back and take him to the sanitarium where he belongs. I want to observe the expression on his face when he talks to this rabbit. He does talk to the rabbit, you say?"

"Marvin Wilson, sanitarium orderly: [Reading from a dictionary] "P-O-O-K-A. Pooka. From old Celtic mythology, a fairy spirit in animal form, always very large. The pooka appears here and there, now and then, to this one and that one. A benign but mischievous creature. Very fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are you, Mr. Wilson?" [Inverts and shakes the dictionary] "How are you, Mr. Wilson?" Who in the encyclopedia wants to know?"

"Jimmy Stewart - Elwood P. Dowd"

"Josephine Hull - Veta Louise Simmons"

"Peggy Dow - Miss Kelly"

"Charles Drake - Dr. Sanderson"

"Cecil Kellaway - Dr. Chumley"

"Victoria Horne - Myrtle Mae Simmons"

"Jesse White - Marvin Wilson"

"William Lynn - Judge Gaffney"

"Wallace Ford - Taxi driver"

"Grace Mills - Aunt Ethel"

"Of course, it depends a great deal upon what you have in mind in the way of entertainment by which you would be amused. But if you're for warm and gentle whimsey, for a charmingly fanciful farce and for a little touch of pathos anent the fateful evanescence of man's dreams, then the movie version of Harvey is definitely for you. As a matter of fact, we'll even wager that, if you're not in a mood for all of these, an hour and three-quarters with Harvey will do you a world of good."

"As Elwood P. Dowd, the rabbit fancier — Harvey's companion in killing time — Mr. Stewart is utterly beguiling and disarming of all annoyance. A faint touch of seeming imbecility, which is somewhat distasteful at the start, is quickly dispelled as Mr. Stewart makes Elwood a man to be admired."

"John Nash: Have you met Harvey? [points to an empty seat Sol is about to sit in]"

"Though at times slow and obvious, the film allows humor to emerge ever so gently at the expense of its targets. Elwood may be a drunk (or not — does he ever actually take a drink?), and he may be delusional, but he is also happier, less neurotic, and more content than the so-called normal people who surround him and claim to be looking out for his best interests. By the film's end, Harvey and Elwood appear to be working their magic on everyone around them, as the world begins to share their delusion. It would not be stretching things to suggest that Harvey symbolizes spirituality, and some things, the film seems to say, just have to be taken on faith. Self-importance, snobbery, and the profession of psychiatry are among Harvey's targets, but this is no Swiftian satire. This film does not intend to cause harm or discomfort but to tease and needle its targets."

"What makes Harvey great is the fact that it's equally enjoyable as a piece of comedic fluff and as slyly intelligent social commentary."

"It's Not Just A Game Anymore."

"Murder, madness, mystery, and mayhem. More fun than you can imagine."

"Seven Suspects, Six Weapons, Five Bodies and Three Endings."

"Eileen Brennan - Mrs. Peacock"

"Tim Curry - Wadsworth"

"Madeline Kahn - Mrs. White"

"Christopher Lloyd - Prof. Plum"

"Michael McKean - Mr. Green"

"Martin Mull - Col. Mustard"

"Lesley Ann Warren - Miss Scarlet"

"Colleen Camp - Yvette"

"Lee Ving - Mr. Boddy"

"[sings] If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it."

"[sings] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free, if you truly wish to be."

"[sings] A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men."

"If the good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates."

"[in the tunnel] There's no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going. There's no knowing where we're rowing, or which way the river's flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? BLAH! Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. Are the fires of hell a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing?! YES! The danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing... And they're certainly not showing... ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!!"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadee dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at getting terribly fat? What do you think will come of that? I don't like the look of it!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. If you're not greedy, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa doompadee do! Doompadee doo!"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadah dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while. It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile. But it's repulsive, revolting wrong Chewing and chewing all day long... The way that a cow does!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. Given good manners, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa doompadee do!"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadee dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. Who do you blame when your kid is a brat, Pampered and spoilt like a Siamese cat? Blaming the kids is a lie and shame. You know exactly who's to blame! The mother and the father!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. If you're not spoilt, then you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa doompadee do!"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadah dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. What do you get from a glut of TV? A pain in the neck and an IQ of three! Why doun't you try simply reading a book? Or can you just not bear to look? You'll get no... You'll get no... You'll get no... You'll get no... YOU'LL GET NO COMMERCIALS!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. If you like reading, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the Oompa Oompa loompa doompadee do!"

"And now, details on the sudden announcement that has captured the attention of entire world. Hidden among the countless billions of Wonka Bars are five gold tickets. And to the five people who find them will come the most fabulous prize one could wish for: a lifetime supply of chocolate. And as if this were not enough, each winner before he receives his prize will be personally escorted through the top secret chocolate factory by the mythical Willy Wonka himself. The amount of chocolate involved in this competition has relighted the imagination to incite candy eaters and all citizens around the world. Already, we have reports coming in that the response is phenomenal. Wonka Bars are beginning to disappear from candy store shelves at a rate to boggle the mind. Truly, it is incredible the way that Wonkamania has descended upon the globe. While the world searches, we watch and wait, wondering where the pursuit will lead, and how long the spirit of man will hold up under the strain."

"We begin with five Golden Tickets. Like five lucky bolts of lightning ready to strike without notice at any point on the map. No one knew where, no one knew when the first one would hit, but as you all know, last night we got our answer. While we in America slept, the first Golden Ticket was found in the small town of Duselheim, Germany. We've been waiting several hours for the follow-up story, and we're finally ready with a live report."

"Four down and one to go, and someplace out there, another lucky person is moving closer and closer to finding the last of the most sought-after prizes in history. Though we cannot help but envy him, whoever he is, and we might be tempted to be bitter in our losing, we must remember there are many more important things...many more important things. Offhand, I can't think of what they are, but I'm sure there must be something. And now for tomorrow's weather, and..."

"That's it!! THAT'S IT!! It's ALL over! The Wonka contest is all over! The fifth and final ticket has been found, and we've got a live report coming in directly, now, from Paraguay, South America!"

"Tinker: [quoting William Allingham's poem "The Fairies"] Up the airy mountain, and down the rushy glen/We dare not go hunting, for fear of little men. Nobody ever goes in. (pointing at Wonka's factory) And nobody ever comes out!"

"Computer Operator: Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days, but now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. We're about to witness the Greatest Miracle of the Machine Age. Based on the Revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the 3 remaining Golden Tickets. (pushes buttons on the machine; the machine prints a response) It says: "I won't tell! That would be cheating." (pushes the buttons on the machine again) I am now telling the computer that if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize. (the machine prints out another response) He says: "What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?" (sighs, then pushes the buttons once again, angrily) I am now telling the computer EXACTLY what he can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate!!"

"Mr. Turkentine: I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest. Pencils ready!"

"It's everybody's non-pollutionary, anti-institutionary, pro-confectionery factory of fun!"

"It's Scrumdiddlyumptious!"

"Your golden ticket to imagination and adventure!"

"Charlie is let loose in the chocolate factory and every kid's dream comes true."

"Enter a world of pure imagination."

"Gene Wilder - Willy Wonka"

"Jack Albertson - Grandpa Joe"

"Peter Ostrum - Charlie Bucket"

"Roy Kinnear - Henry Salt"

"Pat Coombs - Mrs. Salt"

"Julie Dawn Cole - Veruca Salt"

"Leonard Stone - Sam Beauregarde"

"Denise Nickerson - Violet Beauregarde"

"Ursula Reit - Mrs. Gloop"

"Michael Bollner - Augustus Gloop"

"Nora Denney - Mrs. Teevee"

"Paris Themmen - Mike Teevee"

"Gunter Meisner - Arthur Slugworth, turned Mr. Wilkinson"

"Graham Chapman:"

"John Cleese:"

"Terry Gilliam:"

"Eric Idle:"

"Terry Jones:"

"Michael Palin:"

"As a child I always felt responsible for my mom. Dad would be gone. She'd be alone for months, sometimes years, and eventually dad would come home. And I'd be okay. And everything would be all right. 'Cause mom would be saved."

"My father used to shirk his parental responsibilities by saying that life was an illusion; karma was also a convenient excuse for foul-ups. In my mind echos: "Sorry I sold your baseball cards, Monkey, but it's your karma, and life is just an illusion anyway, boy.""

"You're a fag, baby!"

"Throw it all out into the universe, baby!"

"The thing is, Monkey, you'd change if you could, but you can't, and even if you could, you really shouldn't. And stop being such a fuckin' pussy about your curtains."

"Una el coka dieta!"

"Excuse me, very rude and obnoxious stranger."

"Tami Peterson has always been hyper-critical of my performance art. I mean she even delivered a speech in the quad about it called "Imogene: What do You Mean?" I mean, how could she do that to me? I've always been so nice to her!"

"Steve Antin - Monkey Zetterland"

"Patricia Arquette - Grace"

"Sandra Bernhard - Imogene"

"Sofia Coppola - Cindy"

"Tate Donovan - Brent Zetterland"

"Rupert Everett - Sasha"

"Katherine Helmond - Honor Zetterland"

"Bo Hopkins - Mike Zetterland"

"Ricki Lake - Bella the Stalker"

"Debi Mazar - Daphne"

"Martha Plimpton - Sofie"

"Robin Antin - Waitress in Canters"

"Frances Bay - Grandma"

"Luca Bercovici - Boot Guy"

"Chuck Grieve - Guy at Taco Stand"

"Lance Loud - Psychiatrist"

"Nicholas Matus - Young Monkey"

"Chris Nash (actor) - Policeman"

"Lou Pearlman - Warden / Observation Psychiatrist"

"Blair Tefkin - Brent's Assistant"

"Marc Lafia - Observation Psychiatrist"

"Melissa Sullivan - Observation Psychiatrist"

"Lauren Zuckerman - Observation Psychiatrist"

"Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering, stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at all. We must be born with an intuition of mortality. Before we know the word for it. Before we know that there are words. Out we come, bloodied and squalling, with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, there's only one direction, and time is its only measure."

"To sum up: your father, whom you love, dies, you are his heir, you come back to find that hardly was the corpse cold before his young brother popped onto his throne and into his sheets, thereby offending both legal and natural practice. Now why exactly are you behaving in this extraordinary manner? (It is worth noting that the Danish monarchy only became hereditary in the 17th century. Before this time, the crown was elective so Hamlet may not have been the elected heir.)"

"A man speaking sense to himself is no madder than a man speaking nonsense not to himself."

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."

"No, no, no... you've got it all wrong... you can't act death. The fact of it is nothing to do with seeing it happen — it's not gasps and blood and falling about — that isn't what makes it death. It's just a man failing to reappear, that's all — now you see him, now you don't, that's the only thing that's real: here one minute and gone the next and never coming back — an exit, unobtrusive and unannounced, a disappearance gathering weight as it goes on, until, finally, it is heavy with death."

"There must have been a time, in the beginning, when we could have said – no. But somehow we missed it."

"We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else."

"We're more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can't give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They're all blood, you see."

"There we were—demented children mincing about in clothes that no one ever wore, speaking as no man ever spoke, swearing love in wigs and rhymed couplets, killing each other with wooden swords, hollow protestations of faith hurled after empty promises of vengeance—and every gesture, every pose, vanishing into the thin unpopulated air. We ransomed our dignity to the clouds, and the uncomprehending birds listened. Don't you see?! We're actors—we're the opposite of people!"

"We've gone on holiday by mistake."

"I think we've been in here too long. I feel unusual."

"I have some extremely distressing news. We've just run out of wine; what are we going to do about it?"

"I demand to have some booze!"

"How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones! Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels."

"We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now!"

"Listen, we're bona fide, we're not from London."

"I'm not having this shag sack insulting me! Let him get his drugs out."

"(Ranting on a mountain) Bastards! You'll all suffer! I'll show the lot of you! I'm gonna be a sta-a-a-a-ar!"

"Monty, you terrible cunt!"

"I assure you I'm not [drunk], officer, honestly. I've only had a few ales."

"Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!"

"Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths! The wankers on site don't drink it because they can't afford it!"

"There must and shall be aspirin, or I shall die, here, on this fucking mountainside!"

"These are the sort of windows faces look in at!"

"The only programme I'm likely to get on is the fucking news!"

"I'm in a park and I'm practically dead; what good's the countryside?"

"(He spits out a globule of phlegm) Jesus, look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours. I must be ill."

"All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we eat a pork pie, then we drop a couple of Surmontil-50s each. That means we'll miss out on Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning."

"Free to those who can afford it, very expensive to those who can't."

"Scrubbers! Scrubbers! Little tarts, they love it!"

"Look at this - accident blackspot? These aren't accidents, they're throwing themselves into the road! Throwing themselves into the road gladly to escape all this hideousness! (Heckles pedestrian) Throw yourself into the road, darling, you haven't got a chance!"

"I feel like a pig shat in my head."

"Look at my tongue. It's wearing a yellow sock."

"Don't threaten me with a dead fish!"

"Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. I'm not going to understudy anybody. Especially that pimp! Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays. Always full of women staring out of windows, whining about ducks going to Moscow."

"Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up."

"(Paraphrasing Hamlet) I have of late — but wherefore I know not — lost all my mirth... and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air — look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire — why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties! ...How like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me. No, nor woman neither... nor woman neither."

"(Voice-over) Thirteen million Londoners have to wake up to this. Murder and All-Bran and rape. And I'm sitting in this bloody shack and I can't cope with Withnail. I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth."

"(Voice-over) Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy of our own future."

"(Voice-over) Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing. Then all at once those frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores."

"(Voice-over) Danny's here. Headhunter to his friends. Headhunter to everyone. He doesn't have any friends. The only people he converses with are his clients, and occasionally the police. The purveyor of rare herbs and proscribed chemicals is back. Will we never be set free?"

"(Voice-over) I could hardly piss straight with fear. Here was a man with 3/4 of an inch of brain who'd taken a dislike to me. What had I done to offend him? I don't consciously offend big men like this. And this one has a definite imbalance of hormone in him. Get any more masculine than him and you'd have to live up a tree."

""I fuck arses"? Who fucks arses? Maybe he fucks arses! Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity! I'm in considerable danger here, I must get out of here at once."

"[Contemplating how to kill a chicken for supper] It's got dreadful beady eyes, they stare at you. Best kill it quick before it tries to make friends with us."

"I'm not from London, you know."

"Stop saying that, Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!"

"A coward you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls you are not!"

"We are not drunks, we are multi-millionaires!"

"You're full of Scotch you silly tool."

"Jesus Christ! Why have you drugged their onions?!"

"My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful."

"It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself, "I will never play the Dane.""

"(referring to his cat) Get that damned little swine out of here! It's trying to get itself in with you. Trying for even more advantage. It's obsessed with its gut. It's like a bloody rugby ball now, it will die, it will die!"

"(referring to his cat) Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day!"

"Oh! you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is a certain je ne sais quoi - oh, so very special - about a firm, young carrot...Excuse me..."

"I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!"

"Oh my boys, my boys, we are at the end of an age! We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set in, shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour, and here we are, we three; perhaps the last island of beauty... in the world"

"Here hare here... ...here hare here!"

"Sherry? Oh dear no no... No, I'd be sucked into his trap! One of us has got to stay on guard. He's so mauve, we don't know what he's planning!"

"I often wonder where Norman is now. Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. A cat, and the rain... Vim under the sink, and both bars on. But old now, old. There can be no true beauty without decay."

"I'm preparing myself to forgive you. I think you've been punished enough. I think we better release you from the légume, and transfer your talents to the meat."

"I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth, I used to weep in butchers' shops!"

"Come on lads, let's get home, the sky's beginning to bruise. Night must fall and we shall be forced to camp."

"Go with it. It's society's crime, not ours."

"You're looking very beautiful, man. You been away? St Peter preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that."

"I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight."

"Change down, man, find your neutral space. You got a rush. It will pass. Be seated."

"If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision — let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworth's, man. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black."

"I been watching you, especially you, prancing like a tit. You want working on, boy!"

"You are invited to spend an hilarious weekend in the English countryside."

"If you don't remember the sixties, don't worry — neither did they."

"(to Michael, when the two of them are drinking at a bar) We don't have a lot of time on this Earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way! Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements!"

"Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be."

"(after Michael's computer virus has taken $300,000 over the weekend, and the trio try to absolve themselves) I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary."

"(after asking Peter to come in and work on Saturday) Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Thaaaaaanks."

"I'm going to need those TPS reports... ASAP..."

"...So, if you could do that, that would be great..."

"(repeated lines including variants) Hello, Peter. What's happenin'?"

"[Waiting at the bus stop; also his first lines] I-I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed..."

"[After Peter tells him to turn his radio down] I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven."

"[Talking to Peter on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire..."

"The ratio of cake to people is too big..."

"I could set the building on fire..."

"I believe you have my stapler..."

"[on holiday in Mexico, having taken the traveller's cheques from Initech before burning the place down, also absolving Peter] Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass..."

"And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt."

"Cockgobblers!"

"There was nothing wrong with it [his name]... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys."

"PC LOAD LETTER? What the fuck does that mean?"

"[Regarding the malfunctioning fax/copy machine] That thing's lucky I'm not armed."

"What would ya say... ya do here?"

"Yes, I am also not a pussy."

"[first lines, when he is in his car, driving to work and stuck in the traffic jam with Peter and Michael] Mother shitter, son of an ass! You, I just!"

"[drunk singing] Back up in your ass with the resurrection."

"[frustrated with the malfunctioning printer] Why does it say "Paper Jam" when there is no paper jam?!"

"[Repeated line] Fuckin' A!"

"[When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"] No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."

"[When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter...watch your cornhole, bud."

"Work Sucks"

"Yeeeeaaaahh, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday..."

"Ron Livingston - Peter Gibbons"

"Jennifer Aniston - Joanna"

"David Herman - Michael Bolton"

"Ajay Naidu - Samir Nagheenanajar"

"Diedrich Bader - Lawrence"

"Brian Carlos - Vincent Porter"

"Jon Schroeder - Ernest Porter"

"Stephen Root - Milton Waddams"

"Gary Cole - Bill Lumbergh"

"Richard Riehle - Tom Smykowski"

"Alexandra Wentworth - Anne"

"Joe Bays - Dom Portwood"

"John C. McGinley - Bob Slydell"

"Paul Willson - Bob Porter"

"These, Tom, are the Causeheads. They find a world-threatening issue and stick with it . . . for about a week."

"What is this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see. Don't be that guy."

"We need kegs, multiple, cold and domestic."

"Well, you call those useless, yurt-toting, frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys and you tell them you're gonna be an hour late."

"You remember this guy? He skippered Hitler's catamaran during the war."

"Sanskrit. You're majoring in a 5,000 year old dead language."

"Call me for the shower scene in "Dressed To Kill"."

"Alright right, whaddya need? Bottle rockets, dental dams, Redi Wips, term papers?"

"Those aren't women, Tom. Those are womynists."

"Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV."

"I don't know if you're aware, but there actually was music recorded before 1989."

"You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit."

"Mmm. Warm, flat beer. Soggy chips. Think about that."

"Gutter is a tool!"

"Now we're even for the milkbones."

"You gotta make sure he gives you the bicentennial tour: 200 years of bull-shit."

"Are you just sitting around your dorm rooms playing cards and eating pizza? Is this the way you spent the majority of your four years in college? Would you like tonight to be different, you just don't have any place to go? Well, now you do! So turn off your radios and head on over. Tonight, at the Pit: Everyone Gets Laid."

"Mersh, you gotta lay off the pipe man. Clinton is playing right here!"

"Just one hit, then I gotta go."

"I... I didn't exhale?"

"Funk, Gutter, funk! George Clinton, Parliament Funkadelic. Dude, aren't you a music major?"

"We're getting housed here, guys. I say we bring in Blotter."

"Have a bong hit!"

"Just one binger to brighten up your day"

"Pride of the Port Chester sports program, Tom: Hippie Olympics. Doesn't matter who wins 'cause they're all losers. You know, it's sad, really. This school used to be a bastion of rich, white elitism. And now... now they let homosexuals on the football team. Whining minorities run the student government. And you can't even coerce a woman into having sex with you without being brought up on charges."

"I scheme and plan for months and it gets screwed up because you can't control the students! Never send a woman to do a man's job!"

"Whoa! Reality check here! Earth to tall bitch! What is your fault? This is!"

"Shower scene...."

""A Bridge Too Far." Caine and Hackman in the same movie. This is my thesis man! This is my closing argument! I CAN STOP WATCHING TV!"

"Pins and needles!"

"I think that Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building. The question is who goes? The math department or the hockey team? ... I think Hockey, call me about it."

"You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day. You installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps and, most recently, you dumped 100 pounds of meat on a peaceful vegan protest!"

"Afrocentrist: And the walls are painted white. And the chalk is white. And even the copy machine paper is white. This, my friend, is a white devil's conspiracy."

"Womynist: He's coming over here. Sisters, form a wall!"

"Old Woman: Excuse me. Can you blow me where the Pampers is?"

"Raji: Play Metallica and they will come."

"B.D.: Well, what I figure they did was they cut out a picture of your head and pasted it on another, different picture. I've done a little collage work myself."

"Womynist: You participated in a phallus naming?"

"Oh you English are SO superior aren't you? Well, would you like to know where you'd be without US the good old U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's where! So DON'T call me stupid, lady. Just THANK me! ...If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing, "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!""

"[On finding George has moved the jewels, forestalling his and Wanda's attempted double-cross] Okay...Okay... DISAPPOINTED!!! Son of a bitch! What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you?!?!...People are always takin' advantage of me."

"You English! You think you're so superior, don't you? Well you're the filth of the planet! A bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty stricken, sexually repressed football hooligans!"

"[repeated] Don't call me stupid."

"Oh look, it's K-K-Ken! C-C-Coming to k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-catch me, K-K-Ken?"

"[to Otto] To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs!"

"[to Otto] Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you."

"[to Otto] I knew you'd come along and fuck it up! I was dealing with something delicate. I'm setting up a guy who's important to us, who'll tell me where the loot is and if you'll be arrested, and you come loping in like Rambo without a jock strap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window! Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?"

"John Cleese - Archie Leach"

"Jamie Lee Curtis - Wanda Gershwitz"

"Kevin Kline - Otto"

"Michael Palin - Ken Pile"

"Maria Aitken - Wendy"

"Tom Georgeson - Georges Thomason"

"Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago — excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But at least I have an amazing cable access show! And I still know how to party! But what I'd really love is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen! Sh'yeah! And monkeys might fly outta' my butt! Ah, the MirthMobile..."

"Mike Myers - Wayne Campbell"

"Dana Carvey - Garth Algar"

"Tia Carrere - Cassandra Wong"

"Rob Lowe - Benjamin Kane"

"Lara Flynn Boyle - Stacy"

"Michael DeLuise - Alan"

"Lee Tergeson - Terry"

"Dan Bell - Neil"

"Sean Gregory Sullivan - Phil, Wayne and Garth's perpetually wasted friend"

"Brian Doyle-Murray - Noah Vanderhoff"

"Colleen Camp - Mimi Vanderhoff"

"Kurt Fuller - Russell Finley"

"Chris Farley - the well-informed security guard"

"Meat Loaf - Tiny"

"Frank DiLeo - rock promoter Frankie "Mr. Big" Sharp"

"Ed O'Neill - Glen"

"Mike Hagerty - Davy"

"Frederick Coffin - Officer Koharski"

"Donna Dixon - Garth's dream woman"

"Ione Skye - Elyse"

"Robin Ruzman - a waitress"

"Charles Noland - Ron Paxton"

"Carmen Filpi - Old Man Withers"

"Chaz Healy - Concert-goer"

"Robert Patrick - T-1000"

"Alice Cooper with Pete Friesen, Derek Sherinian, Stef Burns, and Jimmy DeGrasso as themselves"

"[After the Stingray's overhaul] Well done, guys. She may not be the youngest girl at the ball... but she'll turn a head or two. If she drives as well as she looks, we may even survive!"

"[Objecting at a meeting of flag officers regarding Dodge's command] There is physical evidence that, as an ensign, he did become so physically intoxicated that he not only allowed himself to be tattooed, but tattooed on his genitalia. Now, call me a prude if you want, but I don't think it's good policy for the Navy to hand over a billion-dollar piece of equipment to a man who has "Welcome Aboard" tattooed on his penis!"

"Kelsey Grammer — Lt. Cmdr. Thomas "Tom" Dodge"

"Lauren Holly — Lt. Emily Lake, Diving Officer"

"Rob Schneider — Executive Officer (XO) Martin T. "Marty" Pascoe"

"Harry Dean Stanton — CPO Howard, Chief Engineer"

"Bruce Dern — Rear Adm. Yancy Graham"

"William H. Macy — Orlando Cmdr. Carl Knox"

"Ken Hudson Campbell — Seaman Buckman"

"Toby Huss — Seaman Nitro"

"Duane Martin — Planesman 1st Class Jefferson "R.J." Jackson"

"Jonathan Penner — Seaman Stanley "Spots" Sylvesterson"

"Bradford Tatum — Engineman 1st Class Brad Stepanak"

"Harland Williams — Seaman 2nd Class E.T. "Sonar" Lovacelli"

"Rip Torn — Vice Adm. Dean Winslow"

"Zexy, Zany, Zensational !"

"George Hamilton - Don Diego Vega / Zorro / Bunny Wigglesworth / Ramon Vega"

"Lauren Hutton - Charlotte Taylor-Wilson"

"Brenda Vaccaro - Florinda"

"Ron Leibman - Captain Esteban"

"Donovan Scott - Paco"

"James Booth - Velasquez"

"Helen Burns - Consuelo"

"Clive Revill - Garcia"

"Carolyn Seymour - Dolores"

"Eduardo Noriega - Don Francisco"

"Pilar Pellicer - Don Francisco's wife"

"Jorge Russek - Don Fernando"

"Eduardo Alcaraz - Don Jose"

"Carlos Bravo y Fernández - Don Luis Obispo"

"Roberto Dumont as Ferraro"

"Jorge Bolio - Pablito"

"Frank Welker - Narrator (voice)"

"[talking on the phone] Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Atwood! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I had a doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry, honey, please don't! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I..."

"There's no access for you in this quadrant."

"[on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, and Al Donnelly kicks ass, and you put them both together and you got yourself some kick ass shit!"

"[on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!"

"And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!""

"We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!"

"Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now."

"[holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong [Root quickly gives and Mike falls to the foot of the mountain] What in the hell was that all about!?"

"[on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky, and Jan Brady all rolled into one."

"Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?"

"[trying to pronounce "roads"] Row-ads. Roods."

"Chris Farley - Mike Donnelly"

"David Spade - Steve Dodds"

"Tim Matheson - Al Donnelly"

"Timothy Carhart - Roger Kovary"

"Ten million years in the making. The truth, the whole truth, and everything, but the truth!"

"A little something to offend everyone..."

"IN MEL WE TRVST"

"Mel Brook's History of the World - Part I shows its stripes right from the opening scene. In this Dawn of Man episode, apelike creatures rise up from the mud, learning to stand erect and reaching nobly toward the heavens. Then they begin bumping, grinding, rutting, gyrating and otherwise slipping back to the slime from whence they came. The movie, like these primitives, delights in being lowdown. Even by prehistoric standards, Mr. Brooks's latest comedy is especially crude... There are loads of familiarly funny gags in the film... But the movie is so sour that its humor is often undermined, because so many of the jokes are either mean-spirited or scatological, or both. Women are either explicitly predatory or stupidly decorative, and homosexuals are made fun of regularly. Bathroom jokes are everywhere. Flamboyantly bad taste, which Mr. Brooks raised to the level of supreme wit in his Springtime for Hitler number in The Producers, is this time just bad. A musical number about the Spanish Inquisition, with Mr. Brooks playing a torturer who merrily abuses Jews, is about as crashingly unfunny as a musical number can be...In Rome, we... watch a gladiator on an unemployment line, being asked... Did you kill last week? Did you try to kill last week?... As a waiter at the Last Supper, Mr. Brooks is seen asking the apostles whether they'd like separate checks. As Moses, addressed by the Lord, he mutters: Yes, I hear you, I hear you. A deaf man could hear you!"

"Brooks casts his comedic eye at humanity's past and... seems to view our story as one of big guys keeping little guys down. To quote the film's most famous line: "It's good to be the king." ...King Louis XVI (Brooks) goes clay pigeon shooting with peasants, where a man is thrown in prison for saying the lower classes "ain't so bad" and where the Roman Senate angrily shouts "F**k the poor!" Brooks doesn't merely lampoon economic injustices. Sexism, racism, anti-Semitism and human cruelty in general are all satirized... If there is a running theme in Brooks' view of major historical events..., it is that people with money and power have great lives. For people without those things — or who belong to marginalized groups in general — life stinks. ..the genius of "History of the World" is that it manages to subtly convey Brooks' social critiques in the packaging of a zany Borscht Belt comedy. If climate change and pollution destroy the human race, and an alien civilization was to find just one work of art to understand the human condition, I can't think of anything better than "History of the World." This is not being said in jest. "History of the World" captures one of the greatest joys of human existence — the ability to laugh — even as it recounts some of the most important events in our collective story. Perhaps most significantly, it chronicles the stupidity and selfishness that will have led to our downfall."

"Orson Welles - Narrator"

"Mel Brooks - Moses, Comicus, Tomas de Torquemada, Louis XVI of France and Jacques le Garçon de Pisse"

"Dom DeLuise - Emperor Nero"

"Madeline Kahn - Empress Nympho"

"Harvey Korman - Count de Monet"

"Cloris Leachman - Madame Defarge"

"Ron Carey - Swiftus Lazarus"

"Gregory Hines - Flavius Josephus"

"Pamela Stephenson - Mademoiselle Rimbaud"

"Spike Milligan - Monsieur Rimbaud"

"Andreas Voutsinas - Béarnaise"

"Shecky Greene - Marcus Vindictus"

"Sid Caesar - Chief Caveman"

"Bea Arthur - Dole office clerk"

"Mary-Margaret Humes - Miriam"

"Paul Mazursky - Roman officer"

"Hugh Hefner - Roman outside Temple of Eros"

"Barry Levinson - Column Salesman"

"Charlie Callas - Soothsayer"

"John Hurt - Jesus Christ"

"Andrew Sachs - Gerard"

"[voiceover] Veronica was adopted by her parents when they were missionaries in Vietnam. Hilary Faye sees her as an example of God's will triumphing over a savage, Godless nation."

"[to a cross, after discovering she's pregnant] Shit! Fuck! [under her breath] Goddamn."

"[to Mary regarding Dean] Come on, you're not born a gay, you're born again."

"[when she crashes her car] I crashed my van into Jesus!"

"[when throwing a Bible at Mary] I am FILLED with Christ's love!"

"[when talking to Rowland about Jesus] Of course he's white."

"Heaven Help Us."

"Got Passion? Get Saved. 5:28"

"Lead us not into temptation."

"Prison life is more structured than most men care for."

"I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House. I don't know. They say he's a decent man, so maybe his advisors are confused."

"At first I didn't believe it — that this woman, who looked as fertile as the Tennessee Valley, could not bear children. But the doctor explained that her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase."

"I drifted off thinking about happiness, birth, new life. But now I was haunted by a vision of — he was horrible! — a lone biker of the apocalypse; a man with all the powers of hell at his command. He turned day into night and laid to waste everything in his path. He was especially hard on the little things, the helpless and the gentle creatures. He left a scorched earth in his wake, befouling even the sweet desert breeze which crossed his brow. I didn't know where he came from or why. I didn't know if he was dream or vision, but I feared that I myself had unleashed him. He was the fury that would be as soon as Florence Arizona found her little Nathan gone!"

"There's what's right, and there's what's right, and never the twain shall meet."

"Nathan needs some Huggies, I'll be out directly. Mind you stay strapped in."

"I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got."

"That night I had a dream. I dreamt I was as light as the ether, a floating spirit visiting things to come. The shades and shadows of the people in my life wrestled their way into my slumber. I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison. Probably that's just as well. I don't mean to sound superior, and they're a swell couple of guys, but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world. And then I dreamed on, into the future, to a Christmas morn in the Arizona home where Nathan Junior was opening a present from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown. I saw Glen a few years later, still having no luck getting the cops to listen to his wild tales about me and Ed. Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many. I don't know. And still I dreamed on, further into the future than I'd ever dreamed before, watching Nathan Junior's progress from afar, taking pride in his accomplishments, as if he were our own, wondering if he ever thought of us, and hoping that maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little, even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened. But still I hadn't dreamt nothin' about me and Ed, until the end. And this was cloudier, 'cause it was years, years away. But I saw an old couple being visited by their children, and all their grandchildren too. The old couple wasn't screwed up, and neither were their kids or their grandkids. And I don't know. You tell me. This whole dream, was it wishful thinking? Was I just fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do? But me and Ed, we can be good, too. And it seemed real. It seemed like us, and it seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away, where all parents are strong and wise and capable, and all children are happy and beloved. I don't know. Maybe it was Utah."

"Give me that baby, you warthog from hell!"

"We didn't escape, we released ourselves on our own recognizance."

"H.I., you're young and you got your health. What you want with a job?"

"Well, this is nothing but a goddamn shakedown and a screwjob, any way you look at it!"

"And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass a-hoppin'."

"I don't know what his damn jammies looked like... they had Yodas and shit on them."

"Nobody sleeps naked in this house boy!"

"800 leaf tables and no chairs. You can't sell leaf tables and no chairs. Chairs you got a dinette set, no chairs you got dick! I ask my wife she got more sense."

"Are you boys gonna chase down your leads or are you gonna sit around drinking coffee in the one house in the state where I know my boy ain't at?"

"Everyone leaves microbes and whatnot. Hell, that’s your forte ain’t it, tracking down them microbes left by criminals and commies n’ shit. That's your whole God-damn raison d'etre, ain't it?"

"I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world."

"Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big 'ol pile of shit in his hands and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in"?"

"Payroll Cashier: Government do take a bite, don't she?"

"Leonard Smalls: You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop."

"Feisty Hayseed: Well, which is it young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? I mean to say, if'n I freeze I can't rightly drop, and if'n I drop I'm a gonna be in motion."

"Hayseed in Pickup: Son, you got a panty on your head."

"Dot: Riley!. ... You take that diaper off your head! You put it back onto your sister!"

"Dot: You gotta get 'em diptet boosters yearly or else they'll develop lockjaw and night vision."

"Dot: That there's for his orthodonture and his university. You soak his thumb in iodine and you might get by without the orthodonture, but it won't knock a thing off the university."

"Nicolas Cage as Herbert "H.I."/"Hi" McDunnough"

"Holly Hunter as Edwina "Ed" McDunnough"

"Trey Wilson as Nathan Arizona, Sr."

"John Goodman as Gale Snoats"

"William Forsythe as Evelle Snoats"

"Sam McMurray as Glen"

"Frances McDormand as Dot"

"Randall "Tex" Cobb as Leonard Smalls (Lone Biker of the Apocalypse)"

"T.J. Kuhn as Nathan Jr."

"Lynne Dumin Kitei as Florence Arizona"

"Warren Keith as Younger FBI Agent"

"Henry M. Kendrick as Older FBI Agent"

"Charles "Lew" Smith as Whitey (convenience store clerk)"

"M. Emmet Walsh as Machine Shop Ear-Bender"

"Patrick McAreavy as Whitetail Ferguson"

"A Comedy of Trial and Error"

"There have been many courtroom dramas that have glorified The Great American Legal System. This is not one of them."

"Joe Pesci - Vincent LaGuardia Gambini"

"Marisa Tomei - Mona Lisa Vito"

"Ralph Macchio - Bill Gambini"

"Mitchell Whitfield - Stan Rothenstein"

"Fred Gwynne - Judge Chamberlain Haller"

"Lane Smith - D.A. Jim Trotter"

"Bruce McGill - Sheriff Farley"

"James Rebhorn - George Wilbur"

"I run this dump, and I don't know the technical mumbo-jumbo. Why do I run it? Cause I got horse sense, goddamit. SHOWMANSHIP! And also, and I hope Lou told you this, I am bigger and meaner and louder than any other kike in this town. Did you tell him that, Lou? And I don't mean my dick is bigger than yours, it's not a sexual thing, although you're the writer, you'd know more about that. Coffee?"

"We're only interested in one thing, Bart. Can you tell a story? Can you make us laugh? Can you make us cry? Can you make us want to break out in joyous song? Is that more than one thing? Okay!"

"Look, Bart, barring a preference we're going to put you to work on a wrestling picture, Wallace Beery. I say this because they tell me you know the poetry of the streets, so that would rule out westerns, pirate pictures, screwball, Bible, Roman... look, I'm not one of those guys who thinks poetic has got to be fruity. We're together on that, aren't we? I mean I'm from New York myself, well, Minsk if you want to go all the way back. Which we won't, if you don't mind and I ain't asking. Now people are going to say to you, Wallace Beery, wrestling, it's a B picture. You tell them: BULLSHIT! We do NOT make B pictures here at Capitol. Let's put a stop to that rumor RIGHT now!"

"Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the mind! I'll show you the life of the mind!"

"C'mon, Barton, you think you know about pain? You think I made your life hell? Take a look around this dump. You're just a tourist with a typewriter, Barton, I live here, don't you understand that? And you come into MY home... and you complain that I'M making too... much... noise."

"Between Heaven and Hell There's Always Hollywood!"

"There's only one thing stranger than what's going on inside his head. What's going on outside."

"John Turturro - Barton Fink"

"John Goodman - Charlie Meadows"

"Michael Lerner - Jack Lipnick"

"Judy Davis - Audrey Taylor"

"John Mahoney - W.P. Mayhew"

"Tony Shalhoub - Ben Geisler"

"Jon Polito - Lou Breeze"

"Steve Buscemi - Chet"

"David Warrilow - Garland Stanford"

"Richard Portnow - Det. Mastrionotti"

"Christopher Murney - Det. Deutsch"

"Megan Fay - Poppy Carnahan"

"Lance Davis - Richard St. Claire"

"[introducing the film] I wanted to capture the... the sights, the sounds... the smells of a hard-working rock band, on the road. And I got that; I got more... a lot more. But hey, enough of my yakkin'; whaddaya say? Let's boogie!"

"I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything."

"Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."

"[Asked by a reporter if this is the end of Spinal Tap] Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you."

"There's something about this that's so black, it's like how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."

"You can't really dust for vomit."

"We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water."

"Whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you guys have built around yourselves, you start screaming like a bunch of pansy hairdressers."

"For one thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin. I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews. That's what I do."

"Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful."

"Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo."

"May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll."

"My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo. I love to sink her with my pink torpedo! Big bottom, big bottom, Talk about bum-cakes... my girl's got 'em. Big bottom, drive me out of my mind. How can I leave this... behind?"

"The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand."

"You're sweet but you're just four feet, And you still got your baby teeth. You're too young and I'm too well hung, But tonight I'm gonna rock you."

"And you my love, won't you take my hand? We'll go back in time, to that mystic land. Where the dew drops cry and the cats meow. I will take you there, I will show you how."

"Rob Reiner - Marty DiBergi"

"Christopher Guest - Nigel Tufnel"

"Michael McKean - David St. Hubbins"

"Harry Shearer - Derek Smalls"

"R.J. Parnell - Mick Shrimpton"

"David Kaff - Viv Savage"

"Ed Begley Jr. - John "Stumpy" Pepys"

"Danny Kortchmar - Ronnie Pudding"

"Tony Hendra - Ian Faith"

"June Chadwick - Jeanine Pettibone"

"Bruno Kirby - Tommy Pischedda"

"Fran Drescher - Bobbi Flekman"

"Patrick Macnee - Sir Denis Eton-Hogg"

"Billy Crystal - Morty the Mime"

"Dana Carvey - Mime Waiter"

"Howard Hesseman - Terry Ladd"

"Paul Shaffer - Artie Fufkin"

"Anjelica Huston - Polly Deutsch"

"Fred Willard - Lieutenant Hookstratten"

"Don't mess with the volcano, my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt."

"I will keep dreaming! I will keep dreaming, my friend! And when I wake up you better hope...you better hope you're... asleep!"

"Okay, let's all be little automaton droids and believe everything we hear on TV."

"Well, I am a ticking time bomb of fury."

"I guess tonight the lone wolf hunts... alone."

"I guess from now on I ride in a wolf pack...of one."

"Ooh — Mama Pajama! What kind of crazy-man blows up a crazy-house?"

"In my opinion, which used to matter around here, we shouldn't be flinging new memberships at every guy who puts together a pair of matching gloves and boots."

"Do yourself a favor and don't punch my clock 'cause I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open!"

"I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!"

"I guess from now on I ride in a wolfpack of one."

"Do you think there's a really angry way I could say I'm sorry?"

"I just wanted to say that I had a really great time tonight, and you were really nice to me, and I would love to, uh, take you out some time. But if I don't call you I just want you to know that it's because I'm dead."

"I must have ripped the Q section out of my dictionary, 'cause I don't know the meaning of the word 'quit'!"

"[when asked by a reporter what his name and power is] "Hi, my name's Roy, and I'm in a super amount of pain right now.""

"People who don't close their mouths when they chew make me... furious!"

"Well here I thought I was with a couple of real superheroes, the Shoveller and the Blue Raja! But really, it's Lazy Boy and... and... the recliner! Lazy Boy and the Recliner!"

"Guys, are you coming? Are you—? Great. Okay, fine. I guess tonight the lone wolf hunts alone. [hurts his crotch while trying to start up his motorcycle] Ow! Testicles rising...can't breathe...can't breathe."

"Let's go see what's shaking at the chez casa Casanova."

"Sweet dreams, lilac."

""Frack-u-later"...Franken-Puss!"

"Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well."

"You guys just be sure to jump in when the action starts. You do your share, we'll keep you around."

"There's no use waiting for the cavalry, because as of this moment, the cavalry is us."

"We're all in over our heads and we know it. But if we take on this fight, those of us who survive it will forever after show our scars with pride and say, 'That's right! I was there! I fought the good fight!'"

"Invisible Boy, I think it's time for you to be seen."

"Spleen, I won't stand behind you...but I'll fight alongside you."

"So what do you say? Do we all gather together and kick some Casanova butt... or do I eat this sandwich??"

"We've got a blind date with Destiny. And it looks like she's ordered the lobster."

"We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not-bickering."

"Should we knock, or just let ourselves in?"

"We're not your classic heroes. We're not the favorites. We're the other guys. We're the guys nobody ever bets on."

"Allow me to introduce myself: the Blue Raja, Master of Silverware. Forks a speciality."

"He is rather ripping, isn't he? With the spinning and the hurting and the kicking..."

"[practicing his superhero banter]"Well, well, well — if it isn't our old friends the Red-Eyes. Good evening, gentlemen. We weren't expecting to see you again so...spoon!""

"There aren't any evil trios, are there? No — they all have to travel in gangs like little babies."

"The point is, your boy's a Limey fork-flinger, mother. Hard cheese to swallow, I know, but there it is."

"I knew I should have brought my large pie-server."

"But, seeing as it is your first night I shall FORKgive you if you FORKget."

"I say, 'What the FORK?'"

"May the forks be with us."

"All my life I've been ignored by people, and finally, after years of being overlooked, I found I have the power to disappear."

"Hey, Dad — I'm going to my room with three strange men."

"When you go invisible... you can feel it."

"Come on — haven't you guys ever been a kid? Haven't you guys ever... had a dream?"

"It's cool, isn't it? It goes right up to the point of being, like, confusing."

"I am transparent. I am like the window. I am see-through. I'm like Saran Wrap."

"It all started when I was just thirteen years of age. One day while walking with some friends I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman who happened to be passing by. Big mistake! The gypsy woman placed a curse upon my head. Because I had smelt it, she decreed that I would forevermore be... he who dealt it!"

"Why are you guys always dissing me? I'm a superhero too, you know! I have powers."

"If you want to know what my power is, pull my finger."

"This is weird in here. It's scary and weird."

"It's the FUNKYSKUNKULATOR!"

"Let's do some CARNAGE!"

"I guess I'll just have to take my ball and go home."

"Here comes Daddy!"

"Do you wannna go back in the bag? Is that how we're gonna play this? You make the rules."

"Oh, there's another chicken. Crazy chicken world."

"How delightfully eccentric — while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time!"

"See, that's why, in general, a mad scientist is less desirable than a garden-variety scientist."

"Maybe you should put some shorts on or something if you want to keep fighting evil today."

"Now , there's a wedgie she won't soon forget."

"Who would want to rent a chicken?"

"[After avenging her father's murder] "Now I'm going back to Graduate School. That was the agreement.""

"No dad, He's neither a commie, nor a fruit."

"There's not enough beer in the world Spleen, I'm sorry."

"You must be like the wolf pack... not like the six-pack."

"You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums."

"Learn to hide your strikes from your opponent and you'll more easily strike his hide."

"When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack."

"He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions."

"Casanova will have many weapons. To defeat him we will need to have more than forks and flatulence."

"Do not go there, my son! When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts."

"We are number one! All others are number two, or lower."

"Sometimes, the true hero is the one with the courage to run away."

"When you care for what is on the outside, what is inside cares for you."

"To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn."

"Hello, Champion City. Daddy... is home!"

"When the clock strikes twelve... cuckoo, cuckoo... you will be dead. And my city will be given a new state of mind."

"Tonight I am going to do to Champion City what I have done to its greatest superhero — und there will still be time to go up, get down... und boogie!"

"I have created a beautiful machine that is going to encourage our fellow citizens to share my vision of the future! Can you dig it?"

"A fish-fork is no match for my machine!"

""It is so easy to get the better of people when they care about each other — which is why evil will always have the edge."

"Yes, of course, you may absolutely bring za brewskies."

""No, no. I don't live here. I'm just here for the ladies." (at a nursing home)"

"I don't make anything that's deadly."

"Totally nonlethal, but totally effective."

"That's a high-temperature fabric adhesive liquid projector, based on simple dry-cleaning technology. You aim that at a guy, and I'll tell you something: his clothes get so tight he can't even breathe."

"I can trick that out with a clam-shell holster. It comes with a leather carrying case. It's got a wadcutter and a full warranty."

"It's a psycho-frakulator! It creates a-a cloud of radically fluctuating deviant chaotrons, which penetrate the synaptic relays. It's concantenated with a-a synchronous transport switch that creates a virtual tributary! It's focused onto a biobolic reflector and what happens is, is that hallucinations become reality... and the brain is literally fried from within."

"Wait — you have a Herkimer battle jitney? That's the finest nonlethal military vehicle ever made!"

"Well, actually, it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next inevitable phase."

""You keep dreaming... wanna-be!" ~ Officer Maguire"

""You know, tooth decay and gingivitis can be a crime. That's why I use Mighty Whitey toothpaste. Because I want my teeth to look — Amazing!" ~ Captain Amazing in TV commercial"

""Baby, you shovel better than any man I've ever known... but that does not make you a superhero. You're a good husband, and a good father. Nothing more." ~ Lucille (Mrs. Shoveler)"

""I believe in you, Daddy." ~ Roland (Shoveler's son)"

""I'm the guy that gave your daddy the shaft!" ~ Tony P (to the Bowler)"

""P.M.S. Avenger. I only work four days a month. Is there a problem with that?" ~ P.M.S. Avenger"

""Okay, okay — the Six Very Nearly Dead Guys With a Temporary Reprieve. That's it! That's your name!" ~ Tony P"

""Kill ya later — super-losers!" ~ Tony P"

""This contraption is, in fact, a weapon of mass destruction. Casanova plans to turn it against the city at midnight." ~ Captain Amazing"

""Flip the switch, lady. Don't stare at me, lift your left arm and flip it, you moron! You're a MORON! You're a MORON!" ~ Captain Amazing"

""Just... be... Roy. Okay?" ~ Monica"

""Dig this, Shovel Man!" ~ Tony C"

"[Bestowing precious cutlery to her son, having discovered his true identity] "These belonged to your great-great grandmother. I was saving them for your wedding day, but from the looks of it, that day... it's probably a long way off." ~ Blue Raja's mother"

""Jeffrey, are you on the marijuana?" ~ Blue Raja's mother"

""You can't hurt me, Baby Bowler. 'Cause I'm protected by the god of hair care." ~ Tony P"

""His name's Mr. Furious, and his power comes from his boundless rage." ~ Monica"

""WAFFLE MAAAAN! Yeah, I'm the Waffler! Golden Crispy! Bad guys are history! YEEEAAAH!" ~The Waffler"

"(creepy, ominous dude at tryouts) "I...am BALLERINA MAN!" ~Ballerina Man"

"What do you think I was doing the whole time you were out there man? I told you Dignan got fired, out on his ass. But you didn't think about that, did you. In the end it's easier to think about yourself than it is to think about Dignan."

"You know there's nothing to steal from my mom and Craig!"

"What a lemon! One minute it's running like a top, and the next it's broken down on the side of the road. And I can't fix a car like this, because I don't have the tools! And even if I did have the tools I don't know if I could fix a car like this!"

"Okay. There, you see the star is me, right there, and I'll be in there. The X is Anthony. Bob, you're the zero out here in the car."

"We'll get him. We'll get him. Man, don't worry about that, we'll get him. And when we do, we'll blow up his car, do something. I can guarantee you that. What makes me furious is thinking about the look on Bob's fat face, thinking he pulled one over on us. I tell you another thing. If our paths cross again, you're gonna see a side of Dignan that you haven't seen before. A sick, sadistic side, cause I'm furious at Bob."

"Pointless act! You don't give a 500 dollar tip to the housekeeper! That's inappropriate! That's inexcusable! That, I don't forgive! What were you thinking? What were you thinking?"

"On the run from Johnny Law... ain't no trip to Cleveland."

"You, my dear friend, are a fucking fool."

"Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!"

"They'll never catch me... because I'm fucking innocent."

"Isn't it funny how you used to be in the nut house and now I'm in jail?"

"How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?"

"Ca-caw! Ca-caw!"

"Son of a bitch! Anthony! Anthony! Bob's gone. He stole his car! He flew the coop while we were sleepin'!"

"Shh, wait for my instructions. When we go through the next gate, you'll have thirty seconds to take out the tower guard. Thirty seconds. Have the car running at the northwest checkpoint. Bob and I are gonna scale the barricade, and then we're gonna tunnel through to no-mans-land. And Bob, remember, shield me from the bullets, they won't shoot civilians! Are you ready? Let's go! Let's go! Now! Now! Now! (smiling) Isn't it funny how you used to be in the nut house and now I'm in jail?"

"Bob gets the Spirit Award."

"One morning, over at Elizabeth's beach house, she asked me if I'd rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer that question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life."

"He looks like a little banana. Where are you from pal?"

"They're not really criminals, but everybody's got to have a dream."

"Owen Wilson - Dignan"

"Luke Wilson - Anthony Adams"

"Robert Musgrave - Bob Mapplethorpe"

"Lumi Cavazos - Inez"

"James Caan - Abe Henry"

"Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!"

"Sex with furniture, what do you think?"

"Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan] Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? [Bobbo honks his horn weakly] Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! [He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!] Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! [cut to a revolted Bobbo] Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! [Bobbo looks ready to vomit] And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...[notices his mistake for the first time] Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! [Bobbo turns and glares at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"] Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! [a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."] That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... [We hear Bobbo vomiting]... With just a hint of cheese...!"

"You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can."

"Oh, no. What time is it!? [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Seven THIRTY!?"

"[to Satan] Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!"

"Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! [almost tearfully] Hope you ENJOY IT!!!"

"[Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!"

"[while sculpting a plate of mashed potatoes] This means something. This is important!"

"WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!"

"[Grinning] This is my new mop. My friend George, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my old mop, I miss my old mop. But it's still a good mop. Sometimes, you gotta take what life gives you, 'cause life is like a mop. And sometimes, life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, but you've got to clean it out. You gotta put it in here and rinse it out and start all over again. And sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad a mop isn't good enough. It's not good enough. You gotta get down here with, like, a toothbrush or something, and really scrub, and if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work...you can't give up. You've got to run a window and yell, "HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE AS DIRTY AS HELL , AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!""

"Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a very, very, very lucky little boy. You know why? You get to drink from...THE FIRE HOOOOOSE!!!"

"I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. [laughs] Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. [singing] DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA DAA DAAAAA!! [Thugs push him into the closet] Don't you like Bonanza?!"

"This is pretty good watermelon...[pauses and considers]...Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes.[grabs box of Corn Flakes] These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. [rummages his hand in the box] Don't let your mom know that you do this."

"Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww."

"This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!"

"(The broadcast which gets Channel 8 shut down by the FCC) This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!! You think I CARE about the pea-brained yokels of this town?! If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first!! I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!"

"[speaking to the crowd at the telethon] Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity..."

"Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup. [licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling] Look. It sticks."

"This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this! [Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it] Oh look! They're really mad now!"

"For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly."

"Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!"

"Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!"

"Richard Fletcher: [sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh] Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!"

"Joe Earley: [after cutting off a finger with a table saw] Can you believe this?! Would you look at that! Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers"! I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red."

"Sy Greenblum: [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company."

"Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!"

"Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!"

"Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to...[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect] Secrets Of The Universe. [folds paper back up] Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items."

"Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]"

"Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare."

"Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!"

"Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!"

"TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater."

"A lot of TV stations have forgotten what "quality" means. But not Channel 62. They NEVER knew what it meant."

"It's crazy. It's zany. It's hysterical. It's TV according to "Weird Al" Yankovic."

"[first words of the movie] Inside a snowflake, like the one on your sleeve, there happened a story you must see to believe. Way up in the mountains, in the high range of Pontoos, lay the small town of Whoville: The Home of the Whos. Ask any Who, and they'll have this to say, "There is no place like Whoville around Christmas Day." Every window was flocked, every lamppost was dressed, and the Whoville band marched in their Christmassy best. Arbor Day was fine, and Easter was pleasant, and every St. Fizzin's day, they ate a Fizz pheasant, but every Who knew, from their 12 toes to their snout, they loved Christmas the most, without a single Who-doubt."

"Yes, every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot… but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville… did not."

"The Grinch hated Christmas. The whole Christmas season. Now, please, don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. Or it could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all… may have been that his heart was 2 sizes too small."

"Sweet little Cindy didn't know what to do. In her head, bum-tumbled a conflict or 2 - "If the Grinch was so bad, then why did he save me? Maybe he wasn't so bad. Maybe. Just maybe"."

"Cindy Lou had some questions in her curious heart. Why did the Grinch hate Christmas? Where did it all start? With her dad's blabbacorder, she wouldn't give an inch. [Cindy Lou Who: In your own words, please tell me everything you know about the Grinch.]"

"So whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos. [Grinch: ...Alphabetically. [points to name] Aardvarkian Abakenezer Who, I... HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!! Aaron B. Benson Who, I hate you. Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. [sees a name (maybe Mayor Augustus May Who) in the phonebook; venomously] LOATHE ENTIRELY! [hears music playing in Whoville] Nutcrackers? It's their Whobilation!] He snarled with a sneer. [Grinch: Tomorrow is Christmas. It's practically here. MAX! Fetch me my sedative! Now to take care of those pesky memories.]"

"The whipperwinds whipped high above the Who town. A trip or a slip, you'd slide all the way down, but this girl had a mission. She knew what to do. She'd invite the Grinch herself, that brave Cindy Lou."

"[Clock Operator: Only 4 hours till Christmas!] Yes, the Grinch knew tomorrow all the Who girls and boys would wake bright and early and rush for their toys. [Grinch: And then, oh, the noise! Oh, the noise, noise, noise, noise! They'll bang on tong-tinglers They'll blow their Floo-flounders. They'll crash on Jang-jinglers and bounce on Boing-bounders!] Then Whos young and old would sit down to a feast. and they'll feast, and they'll feast. [Grinch: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who-pudding and rare Who roast beast, which is something I just cannot stand in the least. Oh, no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHY-YME! AAAHHHH! [cries] BLAST YOU, WHOS! [sobs]] And the more the Grinch thought of what Christmas would bring, the more the Grinch thought-- [Grinch: I must stop this whole thing. Why for year after year, I've put up with it now. I must stop this Christmas from coming! But how? I mean, in what way?]"

"[Grinch: [pulls Max out of snow, not noticing the snow beard] If you're not going to help me, then you might as well… [stops; notices the snow beard on Max]] Then he got an idea; An awful idea. The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea. [Grinch: I know... just what to do. [cut to red fabric being cut by the Grinch]] The Grinch laughed in his throat… [Grinch: Ha.] And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat. [crunch; Grinch shouts in shock, and sees his fingers sewn on the red fabric and faints.] And he chuckled and clucked at this great Grinchy trick. [Grinch: With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick! Ho, ho, ho!]"

"[Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho!] [Grinch: Fat boy should be finishing up anytime now. Talk about a recluse. He only comes out once a year, and he never catches any flak for it! Probably lives up there to avoid the taxes.] [Santa Claus: [flying with his reindeer, with Rudolph leading] Merry Christmas!] [Grinch: Oopsie. Forgot about the reindeer.] Did that stop the old Grinch? No. The Grinch simply said: [Grinch: If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead. [He reaches for Max, who whimpers and runs away.] Oh, Ma-a-a-a-a-AXXXX!] So, he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread… and tied a big horn... on top of his head."

"All their windows were dark, quiet snow filled the air. All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care when he came to the first little house on the square. [Grinch: Welcome to Whoville, Max!]"

"[Grinch: [arrives on the roof with Max] C'mon, Max. It's our first stop!] The old Grinchy Claus hissed, and he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. [the Grinch prepares to go down the chimney with rope on his feet] He'd slide down the chimney, a rather tight pinch. But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. [Grinch: [imitating sports announcer] He's planning a double-twisting interrupted by forward-flying 2 1/2 with a combo tuck and pike… High degree of difficulty. [jumps high in the air as bungee jumping while vocalizing] Whoo! [leans closer to the chimney] LAA-LAAA-LAAAAAAAA!!! [lands in the chimney upside down, and gets stuck since he gained a couple of pounds from the Whobilation]] He got stuck only once... for a moment or 2. [Grinch: Blasted water weight. Goes right to my hips. [struggles his arms to free himself as he slides down and lands and hits his head by the fireplace] Ow! Gee! [looks at the view of the living room]] Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue... [Grinch: [to the narrator; breaking the 4th wall again] Shh. A little more stealth, please.] [whispering] [Grinch: These stockings...] [normal voice] He grinned. [Grinch: ...Are the first thing(s) to go. [picks out a jar of moths] Okay, fellas. Chow time. [frees the moths, sticks his head back up just as the moths eat the stockings]]"

"Then he slunk to the icebox. [Grinch: [hugs the fridge into place.] Slunk. [opens up the fridge]] He eyed the Whos feast. He took the Who pudding! [The Grinch throws a plate of Who pudding away] He took... the Roast Beast! [Grinch: [imitating football player] HIKE!!!!!!!!!! [tosses the Roast Beast in a football hike position, and messes everything up the fridge]] He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash. Why, that Grinch… he even took their last can of Who Hash. [The Grinch opens up the cupboard to reveal the last can of Who Hash inside in it just as Cindy opens the door.] Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee. [Grinch: And now...] Grinned The Grinch. [Grinch: [grabs the tree] ...I'll stuff up the tree! [walks to the fireplace with the Christmas tree] And the Grinch grabbed the tree as he started to shove... when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. [Cindy Lou Who: Excuse me.] [the Grinch stops, and hides behind the tree] The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who daughter who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water. [Cindy Lou Who: Santa Claus? What are you doing with our tree?] But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick... [Grinch coughs] ...He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick. [Grinch: [imitating Santa] Why, my sweet little tot.] The fake Santa Claus lied. [Grinch: There's a light on this tree... that won't light on one side. So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. [laughs, and Cindy giggles] I'll fix it up there, and I'll bring it back here.] [Cindy Lou Who: Santa, what's Christmas really about?] [Grinch: Vengeance! Er, I mean... presents... I suppose.] [Cindy Lou Who: I was afraid of that.] And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head, and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed."

"And when Cindy Lou went up with her cup... [Grinch: Nice kid. Bad judge of character.] ...He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up. [the Grinch stuffed the tree up the Chimney, grabs the Christmas lights, and goes up the chimney] And the last thing he took was the log for their fire. On their walls, he left nothing but some hooks and some wire. And the one speck of food that he'd left in the house, was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse. Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant, around each Who home, and he took every present."

"3,000 feet up. Up the side of Mt. Crumpit. He rode with his load to the tip-top to dump it."

"[Grinch: Oh, the wailing and the gnashing of teeth. The bellowing of the bitterly bummed out! It'll be like music to my ears! [strains harder, and stops to hear faint singing] Then the Grinch heard a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow. [Grinch: Huh? Whuh?] But the sound wasn't sad. Why this sounded merry. But it was merry. Very. Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small... were singing without any presents at all. He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming. It came. [Grinch: Somehow or other, it came just the same!] [Cindy Lou Who: Mr. Grinch?] And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling. [Grinch: How could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags!] And he puzzled and puzzled, 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something... he hadn't before. [Grinch: Maybe...Christmas...] He thought... [Grinch: ...doesn't... come from a store. Maybe Christmas...perhaps... [warmly] ...means a little bit more. [gets a sudden thump in his chest] Max! Help me! I'm... feeling! [wheezes, and sees his small heart growing]] And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart...grew 3 sizes...that day."

"[last lines] So he brought back the toys and the food for the feast. And he, he himself the Grinch, carved the roast beast."

"That worked out nicely."

"Play, monkey! Play! Play, play, play! [gets a jackhammer while vocalizing]"

"Phew. [Max sneezes] Gesundheit. Ooh."

"Give me that!"

"[after he crashes a mini car in the fire hydrant; gasps] IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!"

"You're the, the, the, the– [Grinch: [imitating Cindy Lou Who] "The, the, the, the–" [normal voice; loudly] THE GRINCH!] Aah! [falls down a mail shaft and gets stuck] Help! [Grinch: Well...] Help! [Grinch: That worked out nicely.]"

"[Narrator: Cindy Lou had some questions in her curious heart. Why did the Grinch hate Christmas? Where did it all start? With her dad's blabbacorder, she wouldn't give an inch.] In your own words, please tell me everything you know about the Grinch."

"Santa Claus, what are you doing with our tree? [Narrator: But you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick… [Grinch coughs] ...He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.] [Grinch: [imitating Santa] Why-hy-hyy, my sweet little tot!] [Narrator: The fake Santa Claus lied.] [Grinch: There's a light on this tree that won't... light on one side, so I'm taking it home to my w-wo-orkshop, my dear. [laughs and Cindy giggles] I'll fix it up there… and I'll bring it... back here.] Santa, what's Christmas really about? [Grinch: [pops out through the tree, startling Cindy] Vengeance! Er, I mean… presents... I suppose.] I was afraid of that. [Narrator: And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head, and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.] Santa? [Grinch: [sharply] What?!] Don't forget the Grinch. I know he's mean, and hairy and scary... His hands might be cold and clammy. But I think he's actually... sweet. [Grinch: "Sweet"!? You think he's sweet?] Merry Christmas, Santa."

"Jim Carrey as The Grinch"

"Taylor Momsen as Cindy Lou Who"

"Jeffrey Tambor as Mayor Augustus May Who"

"Christine Baranski as Martha May Whovier"

"Bill Irwin as Lou Lou Who"

"Molly Shannon as Betty Lou Who"

"Frank Welker (voice) and Kelley as Max"

"Clint Howard as Whobris"

"Mindy Sterling as Clarnella Who"

"Rachel Winfree as Rose Who"

"Jeremy Howard as Drew Lou Who"

"T.J. Thyne as Stu Lou Who"

"Jim Meskimen as Officer Wholihan"

"Lacey Kohl as Christina Whoterberry"

"Nadja Pionilla as Junie"

"Mary Stein as Miss Rue Who"

"Bryce Howard as Surprised Who"

"Anthony Hopkins as the Narrator"

"James Cagney – C.R. "Mac" MacNamara"

"Horst Buchholz – Otto Ludwig Piffl"

"Pamela Tiffin – Scarlett Hazeltine"

"Arlene Francis – Phyllis MacNamara"

"Leon Askin – Peripetchikoff"

"Howard St. John – Wendell P. Hazeltine"

"And two weeks ago, I killed Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, when I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed!"

"So just because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner, across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's better than some stinky old Vanderbilt."

"He's engaged! She's got the six-carat Harry Winston on her bony, unpolished finger."

"All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs."

"Bend... and snap!"

"The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known."

"Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands. They just don't!"

"I'll show you how valuable Elle Woods can be!"

"[to Warner] I've been waiting for a long time for you to say that. But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead."

"[Speaking at the class graduation as valedictorian in Harvard.] On my very first day at Harvard, a very wise professor quoted Aristotle, "The law is reason free from passion"; Well, no offence to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard, I have come to find passion is the key ingredient to the study and practice of law, and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly you must always have faith in yourself. Congratulations, Class of 2004... [excited] We did it!"

"You know, being a blonde is actually a pretty powerful thing. You hold more cards than you think you do. And I, for one, would like to see you take that power and channel it toward the greater good, you know?"

"Do you think she just woke up one morning and said, 'I think I'll go to law school today'?"

"[Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So, what does this Vivian got that you don't got - three tits?"

"Could I have been anymore goddamn spastic?"

"[to her ex-husband] I'm takin' the dog, Dumbass!"

"Elle's father: Law school is for people who are boring, and ugly, and…serious. And you, Button, are none of those things."

"Aaron Mitchell: I was first in my class at Princeton, I have an I.Q. of a hundred and eighty-seven, and it's been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his Brief History of Time…from my fourth grade paper."

"Professor Stromwell: If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you're not the girl I thought you were."

"Professor Stromwell: A legal education means you will learn to speak in a new language. You will be taught to achieve insight into the world around you. And to sharply question what you know."

"Maurice: Oh, my God, the bend and snap! Works every time."

"Reese Witherspoon - Elle Woods"

"Matthew Davis - Warner Huntington III"

"Luke Wilson - Emmett Richmond"

"Victor Garber - Professor Callahan"

"Selma Blair - Vivian Kensington"

"Jennifer Coolidge - Paulette Bonafonté"

"Ali Larter - Brooke Wyndham"

"This summer go blonde!"

"Boldly going where no blonde has gone."

"Blondes DO have more fun!"

"Don't judge a book by its hair color!"

"Believing In Yourself NEVER Goes Out Of Style!"

"Meet Elle Woods. She's a lawyer with a heart of gold...and a mane to match!"

"Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi."

"For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex."

"First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book."

"Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's okay with you. Just don't say anything. You've made me very happy."

"[singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you! / Not an ordinary Thermos for you, / But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, / with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in! I'm picking out a Thermos for you, / And maybe a barometer too. / And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely? / A rear-end thermometer too!"

"Good Lord! I've heard about this: cat juggling!"

"Well, I'm gonna go then, and I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you! I don't need anything, except this. [picks up an ashtray] An ashtray, and that's the only thing I need, is this! I don't need this or this! Just this ashtray, and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need! And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need! And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one— I need this. [picks up chair] The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. [picks up magazine] The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [walking outside] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. [Shithead growls at him] Well, I don't need my dog."

"He was a poor black sharecropper's son who never dreamed he was adopted."

"From rags to riches... to rags."

"Steve Martin — Navin R. Johnson / Cat Juggler (as Pig-Eye Jackson)"

"Bernadette Peters — Marie Kimble Johnson"

"Catlin Adams — Patty Bernstein"

"Jackie Mason — Harry Hartouinian"

"Carl Reiner — Himself"

"M. Emmet Walsh — The Sniper"

"I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!"

"Fine! The gloves are off God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!"

"[breaks down upon seeing Grace pray so hard] You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!"

"Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle."

"R EWE BLIND"

"LOOK TO YOURSELF"

"LIFE IS JUST"

"THY KINGDUMB COME"

"ALL FOR WON"

"GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"

"Bruce: (with his own sign) WHATEVER HE SAID →"

"ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"

"He's got the power."

"In Bruce We Trust?"

"If you could be God for one week, what would you do?"

"The guy next door just became the man upstairs."

"Jim Carrey - Bruce Nolan"

"Morgan Freeman - God"

"Jennifer Aniston - Grace Connelly"

"Philip Baker Hall - Jack Baylor"

"Catherine Bell - Susan Ortega"

"Lisa Ann Walter - Debbie"

"Steve Carell - Evan Baxter"

"Nora Dunn - Ally Loman"

"Eddie Jemison - Bobby"

"Paul Satterfield - Dallas Coleman"

"Mark Kiely - Fred Donohue"

"Sally Kirkland - Anita Mann"

"Tony Bennett - Himself"

"YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-E-CO?!?! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"[cross-eyed and with slight lisp] Do we look like the two dumbest guys in the world to you? Is that why you treat us with such disrespect?"

"One... Two... Three... Do It!"

"Do what? GO FUCK YOUR SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I guess that's it for the old locker. She stinks like ass but I'll still miss her. I guess you could say that about all my girls."

"[refusing Captain Grady's bribe] I'm all highway."

"Liter is French for give me some fuckin' cola or I'll break vous's fuckin' lip!"

"I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!"

"I just lost a buck... to myself!"

"I'll take six schlitzes... or whatever's free."

"I gotta bust criminals! It's what I gotta do!"

"What size cells are these? Eight by eight? Ours are nine by nine... no big deal."

"Oh, biker... I'm an idiot. [when Foster realizes that he misunderstood Ursula's disguise suggestion and dressed as a bicyclist]"

"You are freakin' out....man."

"[After Thorny says, "You smell somethin', Rabbit?"] *Sniffs* Fear."

"What, are you gonna light my ass on fire?"

"Canada, eh? Almost made it."

"[Deep voice] Mother of God."

"'Some male figure'? I'm his dad!"

"I am all that is MAN!"

"What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' Martian."

"[Messing around with a photo on the station computer] Enhance... Enhance... Enhance..."

"Alright, who wants a moustache ride?"

"Sorry about that, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy."

"Let me guess- you just humped the mayor's wife and burned down city hall."

"[A repeated, sarcastic line, often said with an Irish accent] I'll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet."

"I scratched your back, Bruce! I scratched it good and hard! Now either you scratch my back, or you get my size ten boot up your ass!"

"Of *course* they started the fight! Now they've taken a jurisdictional grievance against us! I mean a murder on the highway! And you give them the investigation! Christ! We look like a bunch of pussies!"

"[About Farva, realizing he has betrayed O'Hagen and the others] We shoulda took him out back and shot him a long time ago."

"I invented this gag, Rabbit! Only in my day, the rookie got naked! [Fires the pistol he is holding at a State Police cruiser, shattering a window] And we also used blanks... You're a sick motherfucker, Mac."

"Look what I found! A two-by-four!"

"[Suddenly grabbing the radio while Foster is trying to apologize] URSULA! I'M NAKED!"

"Altered State Police"

"It's their highway. You're just driving on it."

"You don't mess with the law. The law messes with you."

"Jay Chandrasekhar as State Trooper Arcot 'Thorny' Ramathorn"

"Kevin Heffernan as State Trooper Rodney 'Rod' Farva"

"Steve Lemme as State Trooper MacIntyre 'Mac' Womack"

"Paul Soter as State Trooper Jeff Foster"

"Erik Stolhanske as State Trooper Robert 'Rabbit' Roto"

"Brian Cox as Captain John O'Hagen"

"Daniel von Bargen as Police Chief Bruce Grady"

"Jim Gaffigan as Larry Johnson"

"Work, work, work, work, work, work, work. [turns to the bosom of a female staffer] Hello boys! Have a good night's rest? I missed you!"

"Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over... affairs of state."

"Sir, he specifically requested two niggers. Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch."

"Alright, here we go. Hold your ears, folks. It's showtime!"

"Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degrees...! Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen! [A Chinese railroad worker collapses from heat exhaustion] Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job."

"There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. [searches books] "L--land. See snatch.""

"[monologue to the camera] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute...maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? [To the camera] Why am I asking you?"

"[Hailing a cab in Hollywood] Drive me off this picture!"

"You men will be risking only your lives.... whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor!"

"[his last line (referring to Douglas Fairbanks), after Bart shoots him outside Graumann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood] ...How did he do such fantastic stunts - with such little feet?"

"It got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street...and I heard a voice behind me shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around and there I was, face-to-face...with a six-year-old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since."

"[to Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land—the common clay of the new West. You know... morons."

"[as Bart puts on his guns to fight Mongo] No. Don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad."

"[to Bart after he shoots and kills Lamarr] Wow, you shot the bad guy."

"Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, C'mon in."

"Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks."

"Hey there, handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?"

"Why don't you, uh...loosen your bullets?"

"Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaputt!"

"Tell me, "Tex ma'am", are you in show business? Well then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage!"

"A wed wose... how womantic."

"[on testing for quicksand] Horses? We cain't afford t'lose no horses, you dummy! Send over a couple'a niggers."

"Well, how do you like that! We take the trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West,and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff who's Blacker than any Indian! I AM DEPRESSED!!"

"Mongo only pawn in game of life."

"Cleavon Little - Sheriff Bart"

"Gene Wilder - Jim, aka "The Waco Kid""

"Mel Brooks - Governor William J. Le Petomane"

"Madeline Kahn - Lily von Shtupp"

"Harvey Korman - Hedley Lamarr"

"Slim Pickens - Taggart"

"Dom DeLuise - Buddy Bizarre"

"Burton Gilliam - Lyle"

"John Hillerman - Howard Johnson"

"David Huddleston - Olsen Johnson"

"Alex Karras - Mongo"

"Liam Dunn - Reverend Johnson"

"Don't Shoot, You'll Spoil The Sequel!"

"Oh my god! They have guns!"

"See it before they make the sequel."

"We'd like to have been nominated for 9 ACADEMY AWARDS"

"Oh my God! They're on video!"

"Emilio Estevez - Sgt. Jack Colt"

"Samuel L. Jackson - Sgt. Wes Luger"

"Jon Lovitz - Becker"

"Tim Curry - Mr. Jigsaw"

"Kathy Ireland - Miss Destiny Demeanor"

"Frank McRae - Captain Doyle"

"William Shatner - General Curtis Mortars"

"F. Murray Abraham - Dr. Harold Leacher"

"I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses."

"Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds."

"[to a Doberman Pinscher] Look, defenseless babies!"

"It was something your wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine."

"If you haven't guessed, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach lately. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doz...I'm talking about the hard stuff. I've been posing as an amiable, minor league junkie in order to get to the bottom of it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much."

"You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards."

"...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just whack [mimes door hitting him in the face] blood..."

"For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner."

"[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."

"I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Gawdawful mess. You should see my shoes."

"[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door] Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass."

"Hey, don't talk to me that way, assface. I don't work for you yet."

"[server says, "muchas gracias" and Fletch responds] Tierra Del Fuego."

"In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one. To me."

"[singing] Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants..."

"Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo."

"Hey! I think all of our problems may have just been solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeahhahhah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo wee! Oh boy, I lost. Again. Sorry."

"[Corrupt Police Chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint - said in the dryest manner possible] Thank God. The police."

"Hey that's you and Tommy Lasorda... [smashes picture] I hate Tommy Lasorda."

"Can I call my mother? Tell her how much I love her?"

"Love your body, Larry."

"[narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance."

"Meet the only guy who changes his identity more often than his underwear."

"Fletch. Until last week, he was just another mild-mannered reporter fighting for truth, justice and a window office. Now he's being threatened, shot at, accused and arrested. And that's by the people he's trying to help. But there's still one thing even more dangerous than his work. His love life."

"Chevy Chase - Irwin M. 'Fletch' Fletcher"

"Joe Don Baker - Police Chief Jerry Karlin"

"Dana Wheeler-Nicholson - Gail Stanwyk"

"Richard Libertini - Frank Walker"

"Tim Matheson - Alan Stanwyk"

"M. Emmet Walsh - Dr. Joseph Dolan"

"George Wendt - Fat Sam"

"Kenneth Mars - Stanton Boyd"

"Geena Davis - Larry"

"[after hearing Rodney speak] See, those guys in my dorm told me that stuff wouldn't affect me. [starts to cry] Now, 15 years later, this shit starts happenin' to me!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TALKIN' TO ME!!! [screams three times]"

"I did Dolittle for a particular reason. I wanted to do an extremely commercial movie. I love animals and I love Eddie Murphy, so I thought, "Here is a really commercial movie. I would never have thought I would have done something like this. The script wasn't particularly good when I started. It got a lot better, and it allowed me to form this company and hire Jenno Topping as my producer."

"Dr. John Dolittle - Eddie Murphy"

"Archer Dolittle - Ossie Davis"

"Dr. Mark Weller - Oliver Platt"

"Lisa Dolittle - Kristen Wilson"

"Dr. Fish - Jeffrey Tambor"

"Maya Dolittle - Kyla Pratt"

"Charisse Dolittle - Raven-Symoné"

"Lucky - Norm Macdonald"

"Jacob - Albert Brooks"

"Rodney - Chris Rock"

"Prologue Dog - Ellen DeGeneres"

"Rat #1 - Reni Santoni"

"Rat #2 - John Leguizamo"

"Obsessive Dog - Gilbert Gottfried"

"Female Pigeon - Julie Kavner"

"Male Pigeon - Garry Shandling"

"Owl - Jenna Elfman"

"[girl in bed with him farts on him] Oh, no you didn't."

"Welcome to el Matador, Spanish for, The Matador."

"I'm gonna need a bucket, a paint brush and 10 pounds of salt. Lance. Get his pants."

"I don't have to take a test to tell you that I take drugs."

"Carpe the Diem. Seize The Carp."

"Can you get an STD from a polar bear?"

"Maybe we should clarify something. When you won the race last night, that made you king of the mountain. Not king of the no-ball-pussy-losers. They already have their own king. My brother."

"No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everybody Wang Chung tonight."

"This suit is really cramping my Hardy Boys. It's no mystery."

"Well, yeah it doesn't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer."

"[drunk] There you are, I've been looking for you, come inside, you look so beautiful and I wanted to see if you wanted to dance. [Anna walks up] Not you, him and his white tuxedo."

"[Pig Pen wakes up from humping a bench in his sleep] He's had a crush on that bench for years....Did you enjoy your nap?"

"You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee."

"[punches Pig Pen] A little sensitivity here. Can't you see this is a dejected man? Now Rick, get your dejected head out of your ass. Papa Muntz wanted you to run this mountain."

"I was there. Yeah, it was called the '80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin' in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with latte's. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. Stumpy had to go!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I invented snowboarding? Ya I don't want credit for it but they keep on giving it to me..."

"Jason London as Rick Rambis"

"Lee Majors as John Majors"

"Willie Garson as Ted Muntz"

"Zach Galifianakis as Luke"

"David Koechner as Stumpy"

"Flex Alexander as Anthony"

"A.J. Cook as Jenny"

"David Denman as Lance"

"Caroline Dhavernas as Anna"

"Derek Hamilton as Pig Pen"

"Thomas Lennon as Eric Montclare"

"Victoria Silvstedt as Inga"

"Todd Richards as Barry"

"Lewis Arquette as Herbert 'Papa' Muntz"

"What's wrong with me? [suddenly monotone] I'm getting what I deserve, I'm reaping what I sow, I- [claps both hand over his mouth while involuntarily ranting]"

"[after farting in the elevator] It was me!"

"I'M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!"

"STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!!"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Jim Carrey - Fletcher Reede"

"Maura Tierney - Audrey Reede"

"Justin Cooper - Max Reede"

"Jennifer Tilly - Samantha Cole"

"Cary Elwes - Jerry"

"Amanda Donohoe - Miranda"

"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow."

"All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments."

"54, 40 or fight. What does that mean?...Remember the Maine...Tippecanoe and Tyler, too...They're war slogans Mr. Motss. We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the fucking wars. Y'know why? Cause its show business. That's why I'm here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm. Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi. V for Victory, Y'remember the picture, fifty years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. Gulf War? Smart bomb, falling down a chimney. Twenty five hundred missions a day, 100 days, one video of one bomb Mr. Motss. The American people bought that war."

"This is a shitty business, and it needs no ghosts coming from the grave to tell us so. But Lord willing and Jesus tarries, in eight days I will be taking you into the second term."

"Can't have a war without an enemy...You could have one, but it would be a very dull war..."

"You take the fruit of 40 years - hard lessons, mistakes - and you call it wisdom."

"This is nothing. D'you ever shoot in Italy? Try three Italian starlets wacked out on Benzedrine and grappa, this is a walk in the park..."

"Y'know, producing is being a Samurai warrior. They pay you, day in, day out, for years, so that, ONE DAY, when called upon, you can respond, your training at Its peak, and save the day."

"The war ain't over til I say it's over. This is my picture. You think you're in a spot? You think this is a tight spot? Try making the Hunchback of Notre Dame when your three lead actors die, two weeks from the end of principal photography."

"Look at that! That is a complete fucking fraud, and it looks 100% real. This is the best work I've ever done in my life - because it's so honest."

"That's right. During the filming of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War."

"Johnny, I got a lot of people here who are a little depressed because the war just ended, please give me a new song."

"King, King, I got a thing here, a product placement, gonna have a bigger back-end than Hattie McDaniel."

"Corny? He says it's corny? Of course it's corny. We wouldn't be doing the flippin' thing if it wasn't corny."

"Oh, God. What do we do now? Huh? Huh? What do we do now, huh, boy producer? Huh? Mister win-an-Emmy, social-conscience, whale-shit, save-the-rain-forest, peacenik-commie, fuckin'-hire-a-convict-shithead? Huh? What do we do now, liberal, affirmative action, shithead, peacenik commie fuck? What do you want to do now?"

"There are two things I know to be true. There's no difference between good flan and bad flan, and there is no war."

"When the fit hits the shan somebody's going to have to stay after school."

"Albania's hard to rhyme."

"I was just on my way to get drunk."

"Dustin Hoffman - Stanley Motss"

"Robert De Niro - Conrad Brean"

"Anne Heche - Winifred Ames"

"Denis Leary - Fad King"

"Willie Nelson - Johnny Dean"

"Andrea Martin - Liz Butsky"

"Kirsten Dunst - Tracy Lime"

"William H. Macy - CIA Agent Charles Young"

"John Michael Higgins - John Levy"

"Woody Harrelson - Sergeant William Schumann"

"I've got a degree in arse-wiggling, mate."

"Six men. With nothing to lose. Who dare to go...."

"The year's most revealing comedy."

"Robert Carlyle - Gaz"

"Mark Addy - Dave"

"William Snape - Nathan"

"Steve Huison - Lomper"

"Tom Wilkinson - Gerald"

"Paul Barber - Horse"

"Hugo Speer - Guy"

"Lesley Sharp - Jean"

"Emily Woof - Mandy"

"Deirdre Costello - Linda"

"Paul Butterworth - Barry"

"Dave Hill - Alan"

"Bruce Jones - Reg"

"Team America is incredible in how deftly it recontextualizes blockbuster action flicks likeThe Rock or Bad Boys. Inside each scene, you may have goofy characters or silly voices, but the structure of the film is, pace-for-pace, a blockbuster film. The scene structure, the staging, the set pieces - it's all a take on Michael Bay and his ilk. Because that is done so cleverly, you hardly even notice it, which gives Team America a time-tested foundation to build upon. Every scene has been rigorously tested with audience after audience, summer after summer."

"The whole movie has this sideways humor to it, almost begging you to think critically about it. It's as if Matt and Trey don't care at all, when every scene apathetically introduces more casual racism or ignorance ("Derka derka, Muhammad jihad", "Everyone has AIDS!", "So Ronery"), but the more you look at it, the more you realize just how much care it takes to SEEM that culturally insensitive. It's a lead; A trap. They want you to call the movie racist for X, so they can show you your own hypocrisy for not seeing, or being concerned with, Y. Which is exactly the point of the movie! Stop worrying so much about whatever YOUR hot-button issue is, and try to see how fucked up the whole of the issues are."

"Their "Team America: World Police" is an equal opportunity offender, and waves of unease will flow over first one segment of their audience, and then another. Like a cocky teenager who's had a couple of drinks before the party, they don't have a plan for who they want to offend, only an intention to be as offensive as possible."

"I wasn't offended by the movie's content so much as by its nihilism. At a time when the world is in crisis and the country faces an important election, the response of Parker, Stone and company is to sneer at both sides—indeed, at anyone who takes the current world situation seriously. They may be right that some of us are puppets, but they're wrong that all of us are fools, and dead wrong that it doesn't matter."

"Like The Interview, Team America isn't an overtly political film as much as a riposte to the silliness of both sides of an argument. In Team America, that means a fictionalised Kim Jong Il who is privately masterminding all of the world's terror campaigns, and a bunch of patriots on both ends of the American political spectrum, who take it on themselves to pass judgement on the rest of the planet. Oh, and there's the added hilarity of the actors who starred in the film. The Motion Picture Association of America's rating still says it best- “Rated R for graphic crude and sexual humor, violent images, and strong language – all involving puppets.”"

"The puppets themselves were provided by the Chiodo brothers, who also worked on Critters and Killer Klowns From Outer Space, and shot by cinematographer Bill Pope. Throughout production, Parker and Stone also underwent extensive reshoots to get every shot just right, paying more attention to detail. The result is gorgeously designed and shot, but Parker and Stone credit this as the hardest thing they ever did, leading them to rule out ever working with puppets again."

"Kim Jong-il was a noted cinephile who, according to CNN, amassed over 20,000 movies in his VHS collection, but he never commented on Team America publicly. It was naturally banned from North Korean cinemas and it was reported that they asked the Czech Republic to do the same thing, to no avail. On the DVD extras for the film, Parker jokes that they would love to have him sing the character's theme if it got an Oscar nomination for Best Original Song."

"The biggest controversy that the film caused at the time was with the MPAA, whose backwards rating system had previously been lampooned by Parker and Stone in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. The infamous puppet sex scene between Gary and team-mate Lisa had to be submitted nine times before it could be passed with an R rating, rather than the prohibitive NC-17."

"In Kirby Dick's excellent documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated, Stone admitted: “We purposely left in stuff that we didn't even want in [the sex scene], cos you have to give them something to cut so they feel like they pissed on it somewhat. So, we put in every second we shot, a ridiculous 4 minute sex scene... just to push the line way back, so they'd cut to [where we want it]”"

"On top of unfavourable reviews, the White House declared Team America unpatriotic and Sean Penn was so offended by his puppet's depiction as the head of the fictitious Film Actors Guild (FAG) that he sent the filmmakers an irate letter."

"It was the worst time of my entire life - I never want to see a puppet again. It ruined all the serious relationships in my life. You just become a different person, get completely stressed out and don't pay attention to anything else. You work 20 hours a day, take sleeping pills to go to bed and drink coffee to stay up. You feel like a piece of s**t, none of your friends like you, your parents don't like you, but you have a movie at the end."

"It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car. You find people."

"It's a Zen thing, like "how many babies fit in a tire," you know, the old joke."

"Well, then, I just HATE you... and I hate your... ass... FACE!"

"My first show was Barefoot in the Park, which was an absolute smash, but my production on the stage of Backdraft was what really got them excited. This whole idea of 'In Your Face' theatre really affected them. The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production to me was what was interesting. I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire—the fear—because people don't like fire, poked, poked in their noses. You know, when you get a cinder from a barbeque right on the end of your nose, and you kind of make that face, you know? That's not a good thing. And I wanted them to have the sense memory of that. So during the show I had someone burn newspapers and send it through the vents in the theatre. And well, they freaked out, and 'course the fire marshall came over, and they shut us down for a couple of days."

"So what I'm understanding here - correct me, if I'm wrong - is that you're not givin' me any money. So now I'm left basically with nothin'. I'm left with zero, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I - I can't do anythin with it! I need to, this is my life here we're talking about! We're not just talkin' about, you know, somethin' else. We're talking about my life, you know? And it's forcing me to do somethin' I don't wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say: 'No way, Corky, you're not puttin' up with these people!' And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people - because you're bastard people! That's what you are! You're just bastard people! And I'm goin' home and I'm gonna, I'm gonna bite my pillow, is what I'm gonna do!"

"Me, you know, right out of the navy, you know, fresh off a destroyer, with a dance belt and a tube of chapstick, basically, you know, not really much to call my own, and then basically being slammed down for ten or so years off off off off Broadway, and then, enough is enough, OK, I get the joke."

"I think that the elements, as Dr. Watson said to Sherlock, "are coming together, sir." I was shopping for my wife, Bonnie (I buy most of her clothes). And Mrs. Pearl was in the same shop, and it just was an accident. Y'know, we started talking... about pantyhose. She was saying—w-whatever, that's not the point of the story, but what the point is was that through this accidental meeting—it's like, y'know, it's like a Hitchcock movie, where, you know, you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car. You find people; you find them. Something... It—is it karma? Maybe. But we found him; that's the important thing—and I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit."

"What the city council did was really... give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that I am going to accept. It's like in the olden days, in the days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves say, y'know..."D'Artagnan!"... y'know, "how dare you talk to me like that, you!," and smack 'em."

"I been workin' here at the DQ for about, um, eight months...seven? I dunno, something like that. It's fun. Y'just do the cones, make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n' put stuff on 'em, 'n'... See a lot of people come in; a lot of people come to the DQ—burgers, ice cream. Anything, y'know? Cokes. Just drive in and get a Coke, 'f yer thirsty."

"My aunt brought out her atlas that I look at a lot—this big, blue book, 'n' opened up to New York, 'n' it's an island, is really what it is. It's this island full of people of different colors 'n' different ideas, 'n' I can't—it sounds like a lot of fun to me. Y'know we don't see much of that in Blaine. I'd like t' maybe meet some guys—some Italian guys, 'r y'know—watch TV, 'n' stuff."

"Dr. Allan Pearl: People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him."

"UFO Expert: I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain."

"Ron Albertson: If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show."

"Mrs. Pearl: We don't associate with the creative types. We have a Scrabble club. We associate with people with babies."

"Mayor Glenn Welsch: There's a saying in Missouri, if you don't like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes."

"Steve Stark, Councilman: He can act and he can sing and he can dance. There's only one other person in the world who can do all that, and that's Barbra Streisand."

"There's A Good Reason Some Talent Remains Undiscovered."

"A New Comedy from the lead guitarist of 'Spinal Tap'"

"Christopher Guest - Corky St. Clair"

"Deborah Theaker - Gwen Fabin-Blunt - Councilwoman"

"Michael Hitchcock - Steve Stark - Councilman"

"Scott Williamson - Tucker Livingston - Councilman"

"Larry Miller - Glenn Welsch - Mayor"

"Don Lake - Phil Burgess - Blaine Historian"

"Fred Willard - Ron Albertson"

"Catherine O'Hara - Sheila Albertson"

"Parker Posey - Libby Mae Brown"

"David Cross - UFO Expert"

"Eugene Levy - Dr. Allan Pearl"

"Bob Balaban - Lloyd Miller"

"Listen lady, I only speak two languages: English and bad English."

"My dear Aknot, what about those two little planes you borrowed? [sees Aknot's human face] Aknot, is that you? What an ugly face. It doesn't suit you. Take it off. [Aknot's face transforms into a Mangalore's] Much better. Never be ashamed of who you are. You're warriors, be proud. So what if the Federal Government scattered your people into the wind? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Your time for revenge is at hand. Voila! The ZF-1. [activates a ZF-1 and holds it] It's light; handle's adjustable for easy carrying; good for righties and lefties; breaks down into four parts; undetectable by X-ray; ideal for quick discreet interventions. A word on firepower. Titanium recharger; 3000-round clip with bursts of 3 to 300. And with the replay button, another Zorg invention, it's even easier. [lights reveal a mannequin in police gear] One shot... [shoots mannequin]...and replay sends every following shot to the same location. [turns around, shooting in the direction of the Mangalores; bullets curve their trajectory and hit the mannequin instead] And to finish the job, all the Zorg oldies-but-goldies. [fires every weapon at the mannequin as he mentions them] Rocket launcher... arrow launcher, with exploding or poisonous gas heads, very practical... our famous net launcher... the always-efficient flamethrower, my favorite... [winks to the Mangalores] and for the grand finale, the all-new 'Ice-cube System'! [fires a cloud of liquid nitrogen which freezes the remains of the mannequin. Mangalores applaud politely by carnage and were very impressed]"

"You humans act so strange. Everything you create is used to destroy."

"Bruce Willis - Korben Dallas"

"Gary Oldman - Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg"

"Chris Tucker - Ruby Rhod"

"Milla Jovovich - Leeloo"

"Ian Holm - Father Vito Cornelius"

"Tommy 'Tiny' Lister - President Lindberg"

"Brion James - General Munro"

"The only crime she couldn't solve was the murder of the English language"

"Emily Watson - Trixie Zurbo"

"Dermot Mulroney - Dex Lang"

"Nick Nolte - Senator Drummond Avery"

"Nathan Lane - Kirk Stans"

"Brittany Murphy - Ruby Pearli"

"Lesley Ann Warren - Dawn Sloane"

"Will Patton - W. 'Red' Rafferty"

"Stephen Lang - Jacob Slotnick"

"Mark Acheson - Vince Deflore"

"Vincent Gale - Sid Deflore"

"Jason Schombing - Ramon"

"Robert Moloney - Alvin"

"Troy Yorke - Cleavo Arris"

"Wendy Noel - Coffee Shop Waitress"

"David Kopp - Bell Boy"

"Ken Kirzinger - Avery's Bodyguard"

"Jonathon Young - Gas Attendant"

"Terry Chen - Waiter"

"Gary Jones - Lobbyist"

"Zak Santiago Alam - Gang Member"

"Tyler Labine - Gang Member"

"Norman Armour - Dr. Gold"

"Alvin Sanders - Capitol Building Custodian"

"Peter Bryant - Cop #1"

"Kate Robbins - Tourist Wife"

"Michael Puttonen - Tourist"

"Brendan Fletcher - CD Thief"

"Terence Kelly - Mr. Lang"

"Maria Herrera - security guard"

"Charlie Bucket - Freddie Highmore"

"Willy Wonka - Johnny Depp"

"Grandpa Joe - David Kelly"

"Mrs. Bucket - Helena Bonham Carter"

"Mr. Bucket - Noah Taylor"

"Mrs. Scarlett Beauregarde - Missi Pyle"

"Mr. Salt - James Fox"

"The Oompa-Loompas - Deep Roy"

"Dr. Wilbur Wonka - Christopher Lee"

"Mr. Teavee - Adam Godley"

"Mrs. Gloop - Franziska Troegner"

"Violet Beauregarde - AnnaSophia Robb"

"Veruca Salt - Julia Winter"

"Mike Teavee - Jordan Fry"

"Augustus Gloop - Philip Wiegratz"

"Young Willy Wonka - Blair Dunlop"

"Grandma Georgina - Liz Smith"

"Grandpa George - David Morris"

"Grandma Josephine - Eileen Essell"

"Mrs. Salt - Francesca Hunt"

"Mr. Gloop - Harry Taylor"

"I love blue cheese, and they hate it!"

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Jack."

"[after dreaming of his origins] I'm an Eskimo?!"

"Ted & Mom: Rupert, get off the phone!"

"Rupert: I'm not on the phone!"

"Everything here's white. Including my FATHER!"

"[angrily] SHUT UP, CHESTER! I HATE YOU! WHEN I BOUGHT THIS CONDO, NO ONE TOLD ME A LITTLE RAT LIKE YOU LIVED NEXT DOOR! I'M SO SICK OF YOUR BARKING! [Finds a watering can and pours water on the dog]"

"We’ll be with you all in a while, and we promise to make you smile."

"Get ready for mush hour!"

"Simba, stop it! You killing it!"

"[shocked; the Hyenas in the movie theater] Timon, Pumbaa, watch out of the hyenas! Simba?! Simba, stop it! Don't hurt it!"

"[first lines; singing] What’s on the menu?! It could be ceviche, it's stinky, ooh, it's Pumbaa-aah..."

"Pumbaa, this could be the start of a beautiful... acquaintanceship."

"Friends stick together to the end."

"Hey! What's going on? Pumbaa, you're sitting on the remote!"

"Just eat me now and please make it fast. I got a low threshold for pain. [Pumbaa: Easy, easy there, little guy. I'm not going to eat you.]"

"[whispering] I see carnivores."

"[first lines] I gotta tell ya, Timon, that song always gets me right here."

"[Timon: Just eat me now and please make it fast. I got a low threshold for pain.] Easy, easy there little guy. I'm not going to eat you."

"I'm an insectivore."

"[Timon: He's gone? What do you mean he's gone?] It's just like the baboon said. The king has returned."

"[from offscreen] Timon. Timon. Timon! [Timon: ?]"

"I got to go."

"You know, go...bad."

"Woo-hoo! All right! [He looks down] Man, you guys look like ants down there."

"[hugging Timon and Pumbaa.] I couldn't have done it without you, guys."

"Three pals and no worries."

"[same lines from the first film.] Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don't even know what I've been through! [Nala: I would if you'd just tell me.] Forget it! [Nala: Fine!]"

"[to Timon and Pumbaa gets jumpscares by Hyenas in the theater; shocked] LOOK OUT!!"

"[Ma: Something's different about Timon.] You think? HE'S WEARING A DRESS!"

"I flinched when I should have scurried."

"Applaud now, sonny boy, but try clapping when you don't have any hands."

"This is no time for horseplay, Timon. You’re supposed to be up there looking out for... [Looks at Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed] HYENAS!!!"

"Scurry, sniff, flinch! Scurry, sniff, flinch! Scurry, sniff, flinch! Good. Now, what do we do if we see a hyena? (Timon: Scream, "Mommy!"?) That's right, mister! Because the world out there is fraught with danger. Fraught, I tell you! Even all bloodthirsty hyenas are waiting to rip us limb from limb!"

"No, I haven't seen Timon. And what a day it's been! No fractures, no lacerations, no concussions, contusions or injuries of any sort. As a matter of fact, there's no sign of Timon's handiwork anywhere! (the ceiling of the tunnel collapses) That's would be... [cries out in anger] Timon!!!"

"[Timon: I was just trying to shed a little light on our pathetic existence.] Timon, this can't go on. Just this month, you've pulled down four walls and collapsed two tunnel exits. We have to look after each other. Our survival depends on it. [Timon: What's the point? All we do is dig so we can hide, and hide so we can dig. I want to be where we don't have to dig tunnels and live with our heads stuck in the sand. What's so bad about dreaming of a better home?] I want to show you something. Look, Timon. Go on, look. Look out to the horizon, past the trees, over the grasslands. Everything the light touches belongs to someone else. [Timon: Funny, I thought you were going a whole different direction with this.]"

"Well, I hope you find what you're looking for, honey."

"Get in here! What are you a meshugginah!"

"Look, sire, how they kneel before the royal son."

"Sire, the hyenas are after the children!"

"Mufasa: Look out, Simba!"

"Nathan Lane as Timon"

"Ernie Sabella as Pumbaa"

"Julie Kavner as Ma"

"Jerry Stiller as Max"

"Matthew Broderick as Adult/Teenager Simba"

"Robert Guillaume as Rafiki"

"Moira Kelly as Nala"

"James Earl Jones as Mufasa"

"Whoopi Goldberg as Shenzi"

"Cheech Marin as Banzai"

"Jim Cummings as Ed"

"Edward Hibbert as Zazu"

"Jason Rudofsky as Flinchy"

"Matt Weinberg as Young Simba"

"Carolyn Gardner - Snow White"

"Jeff Bennett, Kevin Schon and Bob Joles - Dwarfs"

"Corey Burton - Grumpy"

"Chris Sanders - Stitch"

"Bill Farmer - Goofy, Sleepy"

"Tony Anselmo - Donald Duck"

"Blayne Weaver - Peter Pan"

"Shaun Fleming - The Lost Boys"

"Honestly, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were talking about petroleum."

"How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?"

"[after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?"

"Aaah, here he comes! The man poet who banged France's Dark Lady of Philosophy! The parking lot crusader of truth who turned his back on his Other like a cold-blooded gangsta."

"Why are you guys wasting all of your time fighting each other? I mean, come on, seriously. Put the egos aside for a second, guys, please. Deal with the issues, okay. We have a deadly petroleum situation, not to mention cystic f-- SHUT UP! SHUT! -- Cystic Fibrosis, civil war in Africa, toxic fish. You have children in your own community who are going to prison. Father Flavin doesn't have the money to help them! Ma'am, listen to me!"

"If this world is temporary, identity is an illusion, then everything is meaningless and it doesn't matter if you use petroleum, and that's got me very confused."

"'Betrayed' by Albert Markovski. Is it possible for anybody in this world to work together to make it better? I don't think so."

"Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need."

"[about the body bag exercise] I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!"

"We're not in Infinity, we're in the suburbs"

"Everything is the same, even if it's different."

"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shoot Mother what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm trapped! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore! Mother! Fuck shoot!"

"[to Vivian Jaffe] I can't believe you guys actually exist."

"What?! Is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?!"

"Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want. But what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed under the CD department?"

"How am I not myself? [repeated]"

"Do I benefit from getting some great P.R. For Huckabees when we need it? Absolutely. But do I care about saving the open spaces? Yes, I do!"

"Shania hates mayo, alright, and she can't eat chicken salad, that's no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo - the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches - she still doesn't believe me - I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo - which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches... before she realizes, its chicken salad. And she liked them!"

"Shania cares!"

"Why is marriage and kids so important? I mean, there's an overpopulation problem!"

"[after Caterine snaps a photo of his sobbing] NOBODY SEES THAT PICTURE!!!"

"Did you see that? Shania knew who I was."

"When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are."

"There is no such thing as you or me,"

"There's no such thing as nothing. nnn"

"There is no remainder in the mathematics of Infinity."

"Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris!"

"No time for infinity? Gotta piece together a theory?"

"Your mind is always occupied on something...so it may as well be something helpful, like Mrs. Shermer, or the blanket."

"The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere."

"I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better."

"Wake up, pretty girl, the joke is on you!"

"Fuckabees!"

"[emotionless] These are the best tops around. Last time, last year - not so good. [suddenly fervent] But now, this is the truth!"

"You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you?"

"There's glass between us"

"Do you love me? Even in my bonnet?"

"Caterine Vauban: It's painful enough to feel sad, but on top of it... to feel embarrassed for feeling, that's the killer!"

"Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama."

"Shania Twain: I eat Tofu Tuna, Brad!"

"Vivian Jaffe: Come, join us for mancala hour. Arriba!"

"Mrs. Silver: God, what are you, a bitch? You're a bitch! How many kids do you have, bitch?"

"Jason Schwartzman — Albert Markovski"

"Mark Wahlberg — Tommy Corn"

"Jude Law — Brad Stand"

"Naomi Watts — Dawn Campbell"

"Dustin Hoffman — Bernard Jaffe"

"Lily Tomlin — Vivian Jaffe"

"Isabelle Huppert — Caterine Vauban"

"Shania Twain — Herself"

"The butt is like society. It has to open up."

"P - Political, U - Unrest, S - Stabilize, S - Society, Y - Yeah."

"When you step to it, step to it hard. It’ll open up so don’t bogart. Time to stand erect and gain entry To the richness that waits within, see. We gotta work hard if we wanna groove it And I’m in it to win it, so let’s do it."

"We are anti-violent. Anyone who says different, I am going to bust a cap in your ass!"

"It is our civic duty to bang the booty!"

"My foot is ready to fly like a government stealth-G My leather boots ready to fly Direct to the center of the most soft tissue So far up in you that you’re gonna wish You never ever heard my name, Never ever tried my game. When my foot goes in that posterior, You’ll taste it in your mouth’s interior."

"Tastey T will go to the battle killin more fools than mickey dees kills cattle"

"I want to make you mine, slap yo fat behind, tie you down and make you whine. I want you to scratch my itch and be my bitch.... cuz I luv you girl."

"We all stand or sit when we pee. I’m just a human, just a human being When I doo-doo is my shit not brown? It’s a universal thing, we all flush it down And when you wipe do you look at the tissue? Most folks do, it ain’t even an issue. Hot stuff makes it burn comin out, I bet everyone knows what I’m talkin about. Cause we are all one race on this planet, we all burp and fart, and that’s the way God planned it. So don’t act like you're superior, Eat something bad an just like me you’ll get diarrhea Cause black, white, yellow, red, brown or gold, Our shit all comes from the same little hole."

"(first lines) Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands."

"A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, a finely tuned ear and a slightly bigger brain than is strictly necessary."

"[After climbing into a castle via the sewage system] Oh, pull yourself together, it's only a little bit of poo!"

"The word 'mistake' sir is not one that appears in my dictionary."

"[Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor] Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?"

"You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun. [English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet]"

"I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan."

"Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service."

"[after accidentally being crowned king; points to Sauvage after a pause] Arrest that man... and lock him away! [the crowd cheers as four guards take Sauvage away]"

"[speaking to Bough] Have you heard of the chanting of the Bedouin monks of the Almaghreb mountains?"

"[speaking to Lorna] Are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta?"

"Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool."

"[furious because his coronation has been interrupted by English, pulls a gun on crowd] Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that? My fragrant French Ass it can!"

"He knows no fear. He knows no danger. He knows nothing."

"Prepare for British Intelligence."

"The star of Mr. Bean is now Her Majesty's most trusted agent."

"He's the kind of secret agent the Secret Service keeps secret."

"When it comes to secret agents, there's the smooth, there's the sophisticated... and there's Johnny English."

"Rowan Atkinson as Johnny English"

"John Malkovich as Pascal Sauvage"

"Natalie Imbruglia as Lorna Campbell"

"Ben Miller as Bough"

"Greg Wise as Agent One"

"Douglas McFerran as Carlos Vendetta"

"Steve Nicolson as Dieter Klein"

"Kevin McNally as Tony Blair"

"Tim Pigott-Smith as Pegasus"

"Oliver Ford Davies as the Archbishop of Canterbury"

"One man is born a hero, his brother a coward. Babies starve, politicians grow fat. Holy men are martyred, and junkies grow legion. Why? Why why why why why why? Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck!"

"[After flipping his coin to decide whether to kill someone] Ah, fortune smiles. Another day of wine and roses, or in your case, beer and pizza!"

"The Bat's stubborn refusal to expire...IS DRIVING US INSANE!!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DIE?!"

"[After Robin saves him so he can be imprisoned] Oh, good boy. Good boy. The Bat has taught you very well to be noble. [pulls out a hidden gun and points it at Robin's face] Stupid, but noble."

"[before falling to his death] Yes, of course you're right, Bruce. Emotions are always the enemy of true justice...thank you...you've always been a good friend."

"[sees Bruce Wayne entering from cubicle] Oh my God, it's him! [to himself] I am a winner. I am a winner. I am a winner. I am a winner. I am a winner."

"[after knocking out Stickley with a kettle] Caffeine'll KILL YA!"

"I simply love what you've done with the place. Heavy Metal meets House and Garden. [laughs] Beautiful! [Takes one of his boxes and puts it on the dark side of the room] It's so dark and gothic and disgustingly decadent [Gestures Spice over with a snarl, then takes a box to the light side]... yet so bright and chipper and conservative! [Urges Sugar over with a whistle] [Back to the dark side; speaking sinisterly] It's so you... [to the light side, speaking operatic] And yet so you! Very few people are both a summer and a winter, but... you pull it off quite nicely."

"Has anybody ever told you you have a SERIOUS IMPULSE CONTROL PROBLEM?!?!"

"This is your brain on the Box. This is my brain on the Box! DOES ANYBODY ELSE FEEL LIKE A FRIED EGG?!"

"Riddle me this. Riddle me that. Who's afraid of the big black bat?"

"Somebody tell the fat lady she's on in five!"

"[Two-Face is about to finish off Bruce Wayne] NO!! Don't kill him. If you kill him...he won't learn nothing."

"Your entrance was good; his was better. The difference? Showmanship!"

"Now...the real game begins!"

"[kicks Two-Face] That was for my mother! [hits Two-Face again] My father! [punches Two-Face] My brother! And this is for me! [headbutts Two-Face]"

"Broken wings mend in time. One day, Robin will fly again."

"[discussing Dick with Bruce] Young men with a mind for revenge need little encouragement. They need guidance. You, above all, should know the consequences of the life you choose."

"Newscaster: In local news, Edward Nygma's 3D Box has become the rage of Gotham. Rioting occurred last night at electronic stores which were sold out. There is hardly a home without the NygmaTech Box. Critics have claimed the Box turns Gothamites into zombies, but Edward Ngyma just shrugs: "That's what they said when TV was invented.""

"Courage now, truth always..."

"[from TV spot] The criminal in question. His accomplice in crime. A woman in danger. A partner in training. A hero in black."

"[from TV spot] In a city where evil is everywhere, justice wears a mask."

"Val Kilmer — Batman/Bruce Wayne"

"Jim Carrey — The Riddler/Edward Nygma"

"Tommy Lee Jones — Harvey Two-Face/Harvey Dent"

"Nicole Kidman — Dr. Chase Meridian"

"Chris O'Donnell — Robin/Dick Grayson"

"Michael Gough — Alfred Pennyworth"

"Pat Hingle as Commissioner Gordon"

"I also had to go around the world, because no one wanted another Batman movie. So I has to meet with all these distributors in Asia, I also a lot of the toys and merchandise had been returned, it was a loss or something on that. I had to go to toy fairs and toy conventions in Las Vegas, and I had to get up in front of all these people who didn't want it and talk about how great this is going to be. I believed in it, I really did…"

"We had plenty of money to do what we wanted and we had wonderful people working on it. I thought the chemistry between Val and Nicole was great, and I thought Jim was just brilliant as Riddler. And Tommy Lee Jones, of course all you had to do was turn on the camera and you're going to get a great performance. It was fun, it was so much fun and not a lot of expectation because of what had happened before and so many people didn't want it. But the toy manufacturers, they were so great to me, they climbed on board. And then the head of Walmart came into the editing room with his entourage. They were dead serious. I showed them some cut-together scenes and some with Jim being hilarious, but they did not respond to anything. They just looked. And I thought, "Well we didn't make that sale", but they went to Bob Daly's office and ordered like $75 million worth of merchandise or something."

"It was the biggest movie of the year and the cheapest "Batman" ever made. It cost under $100 million, with Val [Kilmer], Nicole [Kidman], even Jim [Carrey] was still coming up. Batman Forever was total passion. My bosses let me change Batman. Jim was inspired as the Riddler. Tom Lee Jones played Harvey Two Face. Drew Barrymore is in it. Debi Mazar plays a bad girl. It has a great cast and everyone did a great job. It was fun to create a "Batman" movie."

"It was at a restaurant and the maître d' said, 'Oh, I hear you're working with Tommy Lee Jones. He's over in the corner having dinner'. I went over and I said, 'Hey Tommy, how are you doing?' and the blood just drained from his face. And he got up shaking — he must have been in mid kill me fantasy or something like that. And he went to hug me and he said, 'I hate you. I really don't like you'. And I said, 'What's the problem?' and pulled up a chair, which probably wasn't smart. And he said, 'I cannot sanction your buffoonery'."

"He might have been uncomfortable doing that work, too. That's not really his style of stuff."

"[says grace] Bless us, O Lord, for these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive...and...yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food...I will fear no hunger. We want you to...give us this day our daily bread, and to the republic for which it stands. By the power invested in me I now pronounce us ready to eat. Amen."

"[last words to Vince, who is arrested] Bless you!"

"From what I hear, your singing career is almost non-existent and your married lover wants you dead. If you're fooling anybody, it is only yourself. God has brought you here - take the hint."

"[about Deloris] That is not a person you can hide, that is a conspicuous person designed to stick out."

"[in a casino, to a group of nuns all dressed in full habit] Brace yourself, sisters. Spread out and look for Mary Clarence. Try to blend in."

"No Sex. No Booze. No Men. No Way."

"Whoopi Goldberg - Deloris Van Cartier/Sister Mary Clarence"

"Maggie Smith - Reverend Mother"

"Kathy Najimy - Sister Mary Patrick"

"Wendy Makkena - Sister Mary Robert"

"Mary Wickes - Sister Mary Lazarus"

"Harvey Keitel - Vince LaRocca"

"Bill Nunn - Lt. Eddie Souther"

"Robert Miranda - Joey"

"Richard Portnow - Willy"

"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

"Hey, try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!"

"Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean, that's what high school was about: algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity."

"Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule."

"I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny."

"Everybody who comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."

"Shit, my mom's been fucking a dead guy for 30 years. I call him Dad."

"Bunch of savages in this town."

"Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck anything that moves! [to a man passing by on a bicycle] Yo, what the fuck you lookin' at? I'll kick your fuckin' ass! Shit yeah. [to Silent Bob] Doesn't that motherfucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin' tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, and tear out his fuckin' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag. [to two women in a passing car] Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?"

"Female Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination."

"Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you."

"A very funny look at the over-the-counter culture."

"This Job Sucks"

"It Delivers."

"Brian O'Halloran — Dante Hicks"

"Jeff Anderson — Randal Graves"

"Marilyn Ghigliotti — Veronica Loughran"

"Lisa Spoonhauer — Caitlin Bree"

"Jason Mewes — Jay"

"Kevin Smith — Silent Bob"

"Is Anyone Really Who They Seem To Be?"

"You can expect the unexpected when they play..."Charade""

"It's a guessing game of mirth and mystery!"

"Please don't tell who did what to whom!"

"Cary Grant – Brian Cruikshank (alias Peter Joshua, Alexander Dyle, and Adam Canfield)"

"Audrey Hepburn – Regina "Reggie" Lampert"

"Walter Matthau – Carson Dyle (alias Hamilton Bartholomew)"

"Dominique Minot – Sylvie Gaudel"

"Most people wouldn't last one minute in the real wild nature. Ace Ventura, not even a second."

"New Animals. New Adventures. Same Hair."

"The great plains of Africa, the cradle of civilization. A place where there exists a balance between nature and man. So ancient, so sacred, no man would dare to disturb it. No man but Ace Ventura."

"Jim Carrey- Ace Ventura"

"Ian McNeice- Fulton Greenwall"

"Simon Callow- Vincent Cadby"

"Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje- Hitu"

"Bob Gunton- Burton Quinn"

"Maynard Eziashi - Ouda"

"Sophie Okonedo- The Wachati Princess"

"Tommy Davidson- The Tiny Warrior"

"Sam Motoana Phillips - Wachootoo Chief"

"Arsenio 'Sonny' Trinidad- Ashram Monk"

"[At the man standing on his head] Is it nasty this ring?"

"I like operations. They give you a sense of outlook, don't they?"

"Get sacrificed! I don't subscribe to your religion!"

"They have to paint me red before they chop me. It's a different religion than ours...I think."

"(regarding a broken ladder) All the rungs have been neatly sawed in the middle!"

"[on the phone] Hello, this is the famous Ringo."

"[After seeing a smoking curling stone] Hey, it's a thingy! A fiendish thingy!"

"Doesn't the Eastern flavour come rather expensive?"

"Jeweller, you've failed!"

"Scientist! You've failed Scientist!"

"[Watching a man standing on his head] Doesn't the blood rush to your head, sir?"

"Now see what you've done with your filthy Eastern ways!"

"My skin's soaked right through to the skin!"

"Ew, I'm all sticky! You're all red."

"[Watching a belly dancer] Doesn't the blood rush to your stomach?"

"That's nothing, it's a...birthmark."

"Hard six coming out."

"It's my long-life food preservative. The FDA finally approved it!"

"Eddie, This is great! They don't have any of these games at the Mirage."

"His name is not Papagiorgio. His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student!"

"Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Rus."

"...and he want's to enter that garden, with a knowledge, and a mulch..."

"Oh, Keno! This is easy."

"My pen burst. (after hotel employee notices Clark's arm is blue from falling in the plane's toilet)"

"(after an attempt to have sex with Clark in the bathroom goes horribly wrong) I'll never fly again."

"Clark, this is a family trip. Can you try to stay with the family."

"Could be worse...you could be pregnant again."

"You find the Clark Griswold that I married and you tell him that I'm at the Mirage!"

"I love what you've done with the kitchenette."

"Well, I don't know what you would do with your horses, because, Clark likes to use the garage for the cars and the lawn mower."

"I've got news for you Clark. I haven't said yes, yet."

"Couldn't you just roll us around on the bed again."

"I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car."

"Who would have thought my sister had the legs of a thoroughbred. Am I right?"

"So I says to him, I said, "Get your own monkey!""

"It's expensive having an entourage."

"Security: "No corrective lenses tonight Mr Papagiorgio?" Rusty: "No sir, I do not require them.""

"Holy crap, Wayne Newton's hittin' on mom!"

"Clark, have you ever tried to swim with the dolphins?"

"[to Wayne Newton] Do you need a bodyguard? I'd die for you!"

"Aw, she's got her mother's looks and her daddy's sense of balance."

"My garden's spittin' out 50-lb tomatoes."

"Hey, kids. Round-up time!"

"Oh, yeah. That's from when I sold my kidney. I figured with all the advancements in modern science, I'd better sell it while someone still wanted to buy it. Smartest thing I ever did, Clark."

"Ahh Uban Coffee you know you can sprinkle that stuff on anything, ice cream, mashed potatoes or just eat it straight out of the can for a quick pick me up."

"Don't worry, he's with me."

"It's a bust, Las Vegas fun police, hand over your chips. ha ha ha ha"

"Whoa man it is a blazer out there. You're lucky you got air conditioning in here {Casino} - like mother nature intended."

"I gotta warn ya Clark – they don’t play the same games that they do at them regular casinos"

"Lord is my witness, I hate this heat! If it isn't gluing your butt to the truck seat it's making you sweat like a farm animal!"

"In this world, you’re either up on the stage in the spotlight, or down in the pit serving drinks"

"Honey, these boys ain't much to talk to, but, if you want a night away from your cat... they're more than fine."

"Jilly - That's it, kid. Now all we have to do is teach you how to dress."

"Roy - What a great audience."

"Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold"

"- Ellen Griswold"

"- Cousin Eddie"

"- Russell "Rusty" Griswold"

"- Audrey Griswold"

"- Cousin Catherine"

"- Cousin Vicki"

"Juliette Brewer - Cousin Ruby Sue"

"- Marty the Blackjack dealer"

"- "Girl in the Red Ferrari" (non-speaking cameo)"

"- Mirage desk clerk"

"- themselves"

"- young Frank Sinatra impersonator/fake ID salesman"

"- Mr. Ellis"

"- "Gilly from Philly""

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere."

"Are you stalking me? 'Cause that would be super."

"Hey, look. That old bag is stronger than she looks."

"And thus, 'Topless Tutors' was born."

"Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself."

"Don't be a fool, stay in school."

"Don't be a fool, wrap your tool."

"All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story."

"You must be Pre-Med Dick."

"Her name is Naomi. That's 'I MOAN' backwards."

"Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to."

"I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's."

"Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy..."

"Write that down."

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive."

"Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!"

"Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?"

"I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times."

"Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be."

"Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. [Van Wilder spits out his water] To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."

"This is the White Barry."

"You...you...you....you pussy ass mother fucker dick sucker!"

"Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!"

"Vance Wilder, Sr: Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy."

"Jeannie: It was the greatest ten seconds. Ever."

"Applicant: I see a rabbi. And he's performing a circumcision...on himself though."

"Prof. McDoogle: Apathy is the glove in which evil slips its hand."

"The Tradition Continues"

"Don't Graduate. Celebrate."

"If you're going for an advanced degree in partying...Why graduate?"

"No party gets started until it gets wilder."

"Born to be wilder!"

"All the girls want him. All the boys want to be him."

"Ryan Reynolds — Van Wilder"

"Kal Penn — Taj Mahal Badalandabad"

"Tara Reid — Gwen E. Pearson"

"Tim Matheson — Vance Wilder Sr."

"Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?"

"And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten."

"Scott Donlan: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig."

"Sherri Ann Cabot: Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about."

"Stefan Vanderhoof: If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing."

"Christy Cummings: We started this magazine, "American Bitch". It's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner."

"Scott Donlan: Bratwurst and shillelaghs... paging Dr. Freud."

"Fred Willard - Buck Laughlin"

"Christopher Guest - Harlan Pepper"

"Michael McKean - Stefan Vanderhoof"

"John Michael Higgins - Scott Donlan"

"Catherine O'Hara - Cookie Guggelman Fleck"

"Eugene Levy - Gerald 'Gerry' Fleck"

"Jay Brazeau - Dr. Chuck Nelken"

"Parker Posey - Meg Swan"

"Michael Hitchcock - Hamilton Swan"

"Linda Kash - Fay Berman"

"Larry Miller - Max Berman"

"Patrick Cranshaw - Leslie Ward Cabot"

"Jennifer Coolidge - Sherri Ann Ward Cabot"

"Jane Lynch - Christy Cummings"

"Bob Balaban - Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III"

"Jim Piddock - Trevor Beckwith, the Commentator"

"Ed Begley Jr. - Mark Schaefer, Hotel Manager"

"[Lina believes the tabloid reports of a romance between her and Don] Now Lina, you've been reading those fan magazines again. Now look Lina, you shouldn't believe all that banana oil that Dora Bailey and the columnists dish out. Now try to get this straight. There is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air."

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Stop that girl! That girl running up the aisle - stop her! That's the girl whose voice you heard and loved tonight! She's the real star of the picture! Kathy Selden!"

"You mean it's gonna say up on the screen that I don't talk and sing for myself?...They can't DO that!...They can't make a fool out of Lina Lamont. They can't make a laughingstock out of Lina Lamont. What do they think I am, dumb or something? Why I make more money than—than—than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"

"People? I ain't people! I am a---'a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firm-a-mint!' It says so - right there."

"If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothing. Bless you all."

"[singing] Moses supposes his toeses are roses But Moses supposes erroneously Moses he knowses his toeses aren't roses As Moses supposes his toeses to be."

"[on Lina Lamont] She can't act, she can't sing, and she can't dance - the Triple Threat."

"[after Dexter says Talking Pictures will never amount to a thing] That's what they said about the horseless carriage."

"You might as well know. I'm the one who hit Miss Lamont with a cake. [looks at Don angrily] Believe me, it was meant for Mr. Lockwood."

"What a Glorious Feeling!"

"MGM's Musical Treasure!"

"Gene Kelly - Don Lockwood"

"Donald O'Connor - Cosmo Brown"

"Debbie Reynolds - Kathy Selden"

"Jean Hagen - Lina Lamont"

"Millard Mitchell - R.F. Simpson"

"Cyd Charisse - Dancer"

"Douglas Fowley - Roscoe Dexter"

"Rita Moreno - Zelda Zanders"

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."

"When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!"

"[to elderly guest] You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?"

"[to Dr. Einstein] Stop underplaying, I can't hear you!"

"[to his aunts] This is developing into a very bad habit! I don't know if I can explain it to you. It's not only against the law, it's wrong!"

"Even the cat's in on it!"

"[on telephone] Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? [Hangs up] Well, then I must be here."

"[to Jonathan, who has some resemblance Frankenstein's monster] Where did you get that face? Hollywood?"

"[explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married] You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad."

"[singing] There is a Happy Dale, far, far away..."

"[on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello — what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea. [throws down the phone in disgust]"

"All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing."

"[trying to make Jonathan leave] Now, here's ten dollars. Why don't you be a good sport and go out and haunt yourself a hotel?"

"[Meeting with Dr. Gilchrist in the cemetery] Pull up a tombstone!"

"Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!"

"[watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette] I got the papers signed — papers are all signed, what do I care? Go ahead — fight, fight. [watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe] Oh, don't do that. It never works. [Jonathan collapses] What do you know? it worked!"

"[last lines] No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha!"

"We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!"

"We better not leave the car parked in the street; it might be against the law."

"[repeated line] Go to bed, Aunt Abby!"

"[to Mortimer] If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar. There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead."

"This time, I want the face of an absolute non-entity!"

"The home of my youth... As a child, I wanted to escape it. Now, I want to escape back into it."

"Who do I look like, Boris Karloff?"

"CHAAARGE!!!"

"(when told that his "term of office" is over) Is this March the 4th? (Mortimer: Practically.)"

"I shall be in my office vetoing some bills."

"Cary Grant — Mortimer Brewster"

"Josephine Hull — Aunt Abby Brewster"

"Jean Adair — Aunt Martha Brewster"

"Raymond Massey - Jonathan Brewster (part played by Boris Karloff in the Broadway production)"

"Peter Lorre - Dr. Einstein"

"Priscilla Lane - Elaine"

"John Alexander - Uncle "Teddy" Brewster"

"Grant Mitchell - Reverend Harper"

"Edward Everett Horton - Mr. Witherspoon"

"Vaughan Glaser - Judge Cullman (final film role)"

"Chester Clute - Dr. Gilchrist"

"Garry Owen - Taxi Cab Driver"

"Edward McWade - Mr. Gibbs (final film role)"

"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy."

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talkin’ out of my ass, or stickin’ my hand in it."

"[about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."

"[To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!"

"[after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show."

"[Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans."

"[referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro."

"They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there."

"Get Malled"

"It's mall or nothing"

"Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!"

"Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier"

"Jeremy London - T.S. Quint"

"Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce"

"Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning"

"Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner"

"Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Ethan Suplee - Willam Black"

"Stan Lee - Himself"

"Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah"

"Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning"

"Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine."

"Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hitting the cemetery?"

"I'm not talking about dance lessons. I'm talking about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield. I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up."

"He looks pretty good for a suicide. Attempted, anyway."

"Let's shag ass."

"Why would a review make the point of saying someone's not a genius? You think I'm especially not a genius? [Pause] You didn't even have to think about it, did you?"

"Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't?"

"Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular. Wildcat...pkow. Okay, I'm gonna go."

"The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight."

"FAMILY ISN'T A WORD...IT'S A SENTENCE."

"You Are Invited To A Remarkable Family Gathering."

"Gene Hackman - Royal Tenenbaum"

"Anjelica Huston - Etheline Tenenbaum"

"Gwyneth Paltrow - Margot Tenenbaum"

"Luke Wilson - Richie Tenenbaum"

"Ben Stiller - Chas Tenenbaum"

"Owen Wilson - Eli Cash"

"Bill Murray - Raleigh St. Clair"

"Danny Glover - Henry Sherman"

"Alec Baldwin - Narrator"

"Prized Beagle - Buckley"

"Anyway, fuck it. The battle is over and the war is won."

"No, fuck that. You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off."

"[To Tom about the guns] So, the only thing connecting us to the case is in the back of your car, which is parked outside?"

"They're lacking in criminal credibility, ain't they? I might get laughed at."

"There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses."

"Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy 'round for explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag. Reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber cock. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now, that was seen as a pleasant way to go. Hence, Hatchet Harry is the man you pay if you owe."

"[To Dog holding up a gun] Bend over the fucking desk!"

"Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup!"

"You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not!"

"Cupid, stupid!"

"If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it."

"What do you want, a medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back!"

"Mr. Breaker. Today, my name is Mr. Breaker!"

"This white shite thinks he can steal my cannabis and sell it back to me? He's got less brains than you, Lenny! Get Nick, the greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, round here now, if he's still stupid enough to be on this planet!"

"We're gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red."

"If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you are going to have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? [Nick nods head] Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me."

"No mortgages, no debts – lock, stock, the fucking lot."

"[Trying to stop his monitor switching off] Come on! Not now, please, not – [monitor goes off] oh, you fucking bastard."

"Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash, so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise, I will take a finger of each of you and your friends' hands for every day that passes without payment. And then, when you run out of digits, your dad's bar, and who knows what then. All right, my son?"

"If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick!"

"When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop, know what i mean?"

"Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah, I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny-looking fucker, I know, but you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing – it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone down the battlecruiser to watch the end of the football game. No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens, and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. "Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else!" Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, he picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, and plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. "That's fucking it," says the geezer. "That's fucking what?" says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won, too: four–nil."

"Big Chris: It's been emotional."

"Big Chris: All right, son. Roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on!"

"Dog: Golf – the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two."

"Hatchet Harry: I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets."

"J.D.: You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact."

"Winston: Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked!"

"A Disgrace to Criminals Everywhere."

"They lost half a million at cards, but they've still got a few tricks up their sleeve …"

"Jason Flemyng – Tom"

"Dexter Fletcher – Soap"

"Nick Moran – Eddie"

"Jason Statham – Bacon"

"Steven Mackintosh – Winston"

"Nicholas Rowe (actor) – J"

"Nick Marcq – Charles"

"Charles Forbes – Willie"

"Vinnie Jones – Big Chris"

"Lenny McLean – Barry the Baptist"

"Peter McNicholl – Little Chris"

"P.H. Moriarty – "Hatchet" Harry Lonsdale"

"Frank Harper – Dog"

"Steve Sweeney – Plank"

"Huggy Leaver – Paul"

"Tony McMahon – John"

"Stephen Marcus – Nick the Greek Hagiliassis"

"Vas Blackwood – Rory Breaker"

"Sting (musician) – J.D. (Eddy's Dad)"

"Danny John-Jules – Barfly Jack"

"You fascinate me."

"Sorry. I'm not omniscient."

"Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham."

"Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!"

"I've invested five good years in my marriage to Rex and I've nailed his ass fair and square. Now I'm going to have it stuffed, mounted, and have my lady friends come over and throw darts at it."

"You want tact, call a tactician. You want an ass nailed, you call Gus Petch."

"[repeated line] I'm gonna nail your ass!"

"You didnt tell me they had a hard-on for anus africanus!"

"Who needs a home when you have a colostomy bag"

"[Wheezy Joe has just accidentally shot himself] Told him it was no go..."

"Why kill the only woman you've ever loved when she's the richer party."

"Explain this away, darling!"

"I'm going to talk to you about the law. We serve the law. We honor the law. And sometimes, we obey the law. But this is not one of those times."

"You should have seen this coming you Australian piece of shit!"

"Has any one got some bones?"

"I am a baron you silly man!"

"[Pointing to Rex Rexroth] I introduced her to that silly man."

"Engage the enemy."

"A romantic comedy with bite."

"George Clooney - Miles Massey"

"Catherine Zeta-Jones - Marylin Hamilton Rexroth Doyle Massey"

"Geoffrey Rush - Donovan Donaly"

"Cedric the Entertainer - Gus Petch"

"Edward Herrmann - Rex Rexroth"

"Paul Adelstein - Wrigley"

"Richard Jenkins - Freddy Bender"

"Billy Bob Thornton - Howard D. Doyle"

"Julia Duffy - Sarah Batista O'Flanagan Sorkin"

"Jonathan Hadary - Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy"

"Tom Aldredge - Herb Myerson"

"Stacey Travis - Bonnie Donaly"

"Wendle Josepher - Miles' Receptionist"

"Jack Kyle - Ollie"

"Isabell O'Connor - Judge Marva Munson"

"Irwin Keyes - Wheezy Joe"

"Colin Linden - Father Scot"

"Kiersten Warren - Claire O'Mara"

"These pipes are clean!"

"I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness!"

"Paps, you've been like the drunken, abusive grandfather I never had."

"We should call this place Wackyville... because it's wacky!"

"When you're on the Queen Catherine, don't let 'em give you any of that flank steak bullshit. You know what I mean? Try the London Broil."

"Gosh you're cute. Wanna buy a monkey?"

"Man, oh man, do I hate them fancy lads!"

"Trina: Thats wonderful. I'm always flattered when a psychotic becomes smitten with me."

"Cupcake: Now I know what you're thinking. "What could be stranger than a big fatass floatin' cupcake?" Heh. How about one that spits tobacco?"

"Kenny: Mmmm. Gum."

"Paps: Okay, you icy bastard, how about a hot cup-a joe!"

"He's sailing high on the high seas, without a rudder, a compass, or a clue."

"Chris Elliott — Nathanial Mayweather"

"Ritch Brinkley — Captain Greybar"

"James Gammon — Paps"

"Ricki Lake — Figurehead"

"Brian Doyle-Murray — Skunk"

"David Letterman — Old salt in fishing village"

"Brion James — Big Teddy"

"Melora Walters — Trina"

"I.M. Hobson — Headmaster Timmons"

"Alex Nevil — Thomas"

"David H. Sterry — Lance"

"Bob Elliott — William Mayweather"

"Edward Flotard — Limo Driver"

"Jim Cummings — Cupcake (voice)"

"Ann Magnuson — Calli"

"Russ Tamblyn — Chocki"

"I know all seven animal styles: The crane, the stag, the horse, the tiger, the bat, the rat, the monkey, the Beatle [imitates Ringo Starr]. I will take you."

"[Telling Wayne what people might say if he mentions Jim Morrison on the show] Look, there's Garth, and his friend Wayne...the psychopath."

"[At Mikita's, the doughnut shop] And there I am in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at three o' clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&M's to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door and mentions there's a little sweetshop on the edge of town. So, we go, and - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby breaking into this little sweetshop right? Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. Well I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopowner and his son, that's a different story altogether... I had to beat them to death with their own shoes... Nasty business really... But sure enough, I got the M&M's and Ozzy went on stage and did a GREAT show." [everyone in donut shop claps]"

"Mike Myers as Wayne Campbell"

"Dana Carvey as Garth Algar"

"Tia Carrere as Cassandra Wong"

"Christopher Walken as Bobby Cahn"

"Kevin Pollak as Jerry Segel"

"Ralph Brown as Del Preston"

"James Hong as Jeff Wong"

"Kim Basinger as Honey Hornée"

"Jim Downey as the dubbed voice of Jeff Wong"

"Chris Farley as Milton"

"Ed O'Neill as Glen"

"Michael A. Nickles as Jim Morrison"

"Larry Sellers as The Naked Indian"

"Frank DiLeo as Frankie "Mr. Big" Sharp"

"Lee Tergesen as Terry, Wayne and Garth's bud"

"Scott Coffey as a heavy metaller"

"Drew Barrymore as Bjergen Kjergen"

"Olivia d'Abo as Betty Jo"

"Charlton Heston as the "good actor" gas station attendant who replaces the "bad actor" Al Hansen"

"Jay Leno as Himself"

"Heather Locklear as Herself"

"Ted McGinley as "Mr. Scream""

"Tim Meadows as Sammy Davis, Jr."

"Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk as nerds backstage at the concert"

"Bobby Slayton as the Watermelon Guy"

"Harry Shearer as "Handsome Dan""

"Rip Taylor as Himself"

"Steven Tyler as Himself (lead vocalist of Aerosmith)"

"Joe Perry as Himself (lead guitarist of Aerosmith)"

"Brad Whitford as Himself (rhythm guitarist of Aerosmith)"

"Tom Hamilton as Himself (bassist of Aerosmith)"

"Joey Kramer as Himself (drummer of Aerosmith)"

"Rich Fulcher as Garth's body double when they "travel to London""

"WPIG 95.7 as the Aurora radio station"

"Commander Info — Antti Satama"

"Emperor Pirk — Samuli Torssonen"

"Commander Dwarf — Timo Vuorensola"

"Festerbester — Janos Honkonen"

"President Ulyanov — Kari Väänänen"

"Lieutenant Twinklemagnet — Timo Pekurinen"

"Captain Jonny K. Sherrypie — Atte Joutsen"

"Security Chief Mikhail Garybrandy — Jari Ahola"

"Commander Susannah Ivanovitsa — Satu Heliö"

"[Opening lines] A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But, here, in our little village of Anatevka, every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn't easy. You may ask, why do we stay here if it's so dangerous? We stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in one word: Tradition!"

"Because of our traditions, we have kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka, we have traditions for everything: how to how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered, and always wear a little prayer-shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradition. And because of our traditions, every one of us knows who he is, and what God expects him to do."

"Traditions, traditions. Without our traditions, our lives would be as shaky as... as... as a fiddler on the roof!"

"[to God] Sometimes I wonder, when it gets too quiet up there, if You are thinking, "What kind of mischief can I play on My friend Tevye?""

"[to God] It may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. After all, with Your help, I'm starving to death. Oh, dear Lord. You made many many poor people. I realize, of course, it's no shame to be poor... but it's no great honor either. So what would be so terrible... if I had a small fortune?"

"As the Good Book says, if you spit in the air, it lands in your face."

"[to God] I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else?"

"[to Chava] As the Good Book says "Each shall seek his own kind". In other words, a bird may love a fish... but where would they build a home together?"

"When I get angry, even flies don't dare to fly!"

"Golde, I am the man in the family! I am the head of the house! And I want to see Motel's new machine now! [looks inside Motel's house for barely a second] Now let's go home!"

"[to God] Am I bothering You too much? I'm sorry. As the good book says... aaahh, why should I tell You what the Good Book says?"

"[Last lines] All right, children. Let's go."

"As the good book says, when a poor man eats a chicken, one of them is sick."

"On the other hand, how can I turn my back on my faith, my people? If I try and bend that far, I'll break. On the other hand... No. There is no other hand."

"If God lived on earth, people would break His windows."

"Ah, children, they are your blessing in your old age. But of course my Aaron couldn't give me children. Between you and me, Golde, he hardly tried."

"Not everyone is a man!"

"From such children, come other children!"

"Hodel: [to Tevye] The world is changing, Papa."

"Fyedka: [introducing himself to Chava] I'm a pleasant fellow - charming, honest, ambitious, quite bright, and very modest."

"Hodel: We only have one Rabbi, and he only has one son. Why shouldn't I want the best?"

"Motel: If the rich could hire others to die for them, we, the poor, would all make a nice living."

"Motel: Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!"

"Motel: You'll all chatter yourselves away into the grave."

"A tradition"

"The screen's most magnificent entertainment returns... filled with joy, laughter, love and life."

"Shout It From The Rooftops!"

"Chaim Topol - Tevye"

"Norma Crane - Golde"

"Leonard Frey -Motel Kamzoil"

"Molly Picon - Yente"

"Paul Mann - Lazar Wolfe"

"Rosalind Harris - Tzeitel"

"Michele Marsh - Hodel"

"Michael Glaser - Perchik"

"(The car is stuck in a traffic circle) Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament."

"[singing] Oh the hills are alive with the sound of Griswold/this shit's been around for a very long time."

"Yeah country's eons old kids, that's centuries to you and me."

"[about Stonehenge] Take a last look kids, At one of man's most curious creations, built to stand the test of time and the elements, the war, you name it, A thing of glory for a million in future generations to see, and we were here."

"For over two thousand years, Europe has survived many great disasters. Now for the real test. Chevy Chase & his family are coming from America!"

"For centuries, Europe has survived many foreign invasions. Now for the real test. Chevy Chase and his typical American family are on the way."

"Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold"

"Beverly D'Angelo as Ellen Griswold"

"Dana Hill as Audrey Griswold"

"Jason Lively as Rusty Griswold"

"Victor Lanoux as The Thief"

"Eric Idle as The Bike Rider"

"I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, AND I'm armed! Don't MESS with me!"

"Look, she's gonna cry again. [imitating winner] 'Oh, if I only had a brain."'"

"Hey! I'm GLIDING here!"

"I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap."

"There are no words."

"Eyebrows. There should be TWO."

"Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown."

"[to Gracie] If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced."

"Unpolished. Unkempt. Unleashed. Undercover."

"She's Got A Killer To Catch... Right After The Swimsuit Competition."

"Never Mess With An Agent In A Dress."

"Sandra Bullock - Gracie Hart"

"Michael Caine - Victor Melling"

"Benjamin Bratt - Eric Matthews"

"Candice Bergen - Cathy Morningside"

"Ernie Hudson - FBI Asst. Director Harry McDonald"

"William Shatner - Stan Fields"

"Heather Burns - Cheryl Frasier, Miss Rhode Island"

"From the moment I slapped eyes on this hombre, I smelled trouble. And re-fried beans."

"Lord... whatever I've done to piss you off... if you could just get me out of this and somehow let me know what it was I promise to rectify the situation."

"You thought that was fast? I thought it was fast. Well was it?"

"If I can't touch you, I can touch your shirt and dream."

"Zane Cooper: I've never committed a cold blooded murder in my life, and I'm not about to. Not till I find Maverick."

"Joseph: Yeah, I know. You know the next time you people come and drive us off our land I'm gonna find a nice piece of swamp that's so God-awful, maybe then you'll leave us the hell alone."

"Angel: Almost got hung once myself. Didn't care for it much."

"Lead Bank Robber: I'm getting too old for this shit."

"The greatest gambler in the West has finally met his match."

"In their hands, a deck of cards was the only thing more dangerous than a gun."

"Mel Gibson - Bret Maverick, Jr."

"Jodie Foster - Mrs. Annabelle Bransford"

"James Garner - Marshall Zane Cooper"

"Graham Greene - Joseph"

"Alfred Molina - Angel"

"James Coburn - Commodore Duvall"

"[To summon the invisible swordsman] Farley Farley Farley Farley Farley, Hufaaaaarrr!"

"Mount up! ... It means get on your horses."

"Uh, this is real... Yes: They. are going. to KILL us!"

"Oh GREAT!!! REAL bullets!!!"

"You were supposed to fire up! We both fired UP! It's like living with a six-year-old."

"Well you slime eating dogs, you scum-sucking pigs, you sons of a motherless goat!"

"In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!"

"One time, Dorothy Gish was visiting me on the set of "Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun". And she came up to me and she looked me in the face and - I'd never met her, I'd just known her on films, you know, Dorothy Gish, Lillian's sister - and she looked me in the eyes and she said, "Young man, you have got it." And. Ah! Dorothy Gish. It's a true story."

"Do you have anything besides Mexican food?"

"I know each one of you, like I know my own smell!"

"[Describing his plans for dealing with the Amigos] Tomorrow I will take fifty men with me, find these three gringos, open their stomachs, grab their intestines, and squeeze the shit out of them!"

"El Guapo only kills men. [horse neighs, Three Amigos shuffle nervously] He does not kill crying women! [Three Amigos let out a sigh of relief]"

"Jefe: [to El Guapo] Could it be that once again you are angry for something else, and you are taking it out on me?"

"Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?"

"Dirty Mexican: And then they called us scum sucking pigs...US!"

"Harry Flugelman: (ranting at the Amigos) It'll be a cold day in hell when Harry Flugelman lets an actor tell him what to do!"

"Steve Martin - Lucky Day"

"Chevy Chase - Dusty Bottoms"

"Martin Short - Ned Nederlander"

"Alfonso Arau - El Guapo"

"Tony Plana - Jefe"

"Humberto Ortiz - Pablo"

"Patrice Martinez - Carmen"

"Philip Gordon - Rodrigo"

"Fred Asparagus - Bartender"

"Kai Wulff - German"

"Randy Newman - Singing Bush (voice)"

"Son of a bitchin', BOB!"

"[To the Guttmans, who saw him push Bob into the lake] WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?! I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BUY THIS HOUSE!"

"Hello, my name is Bob. Would you knock me out, please?"

"[Telling the hospital staff therapy jokes] So the psychiatrist has a patient. He draws a circle and says, "What do you think of when you see this?" He says "Sex." [The staff laugh.] That's not the joke yet, wait a second. He draws a picture of a tree and says "What do you think of that one when you see it?" He says "Sex." All right, then he draws a picture of a car, a house: "Sex. Sex. Sex." The doctor says, "You know you're obsessed with sex." And the patient says "Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures." [The staff laugh.]"

"[Telling another joke to the hospital staff] Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm a schizophrenic...and so am I. [staff laugh]"

"Bob's a special kind of friend. The kind that drives you crazy!"

"Bill Murray - Bob Wiley"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Dr. Leo Marvin"

"Julie Hagerty - Fay Marvin"

"Charlie Korsmo - Sigmund 'Siggy' Marvin"

"Kathryn Erbe - Anna Marvin"

"Tom Aldredge - Mr. Guttman"

"Susan Willis - Mrs. Guttman"

"Fay (wife)"

"Anna (daughter)"

"Siggy (son)"

"Lily (Leo's sister)"

"Bob (husband)"

"I am the Alpha Bear! Grrr! Grrr! Bears say "grrr", right?"

"Go, doctor. Go, doctor."

"Dolittle is back."

"The doctor is in again."

"The doctor makes house calls."

"The doctor is back!"

"Eddie Murphy - Dr. John Dolittle"

"Kristen Wilson - Lisa Dolittle"

"Jeffrey Jones - Joe Potter"

"Kevin Pollak - Jack Riley"

"Raven-Symoné - Charisse Dolittle"

"Kyla Pratt - Maya Dolittle"

"Lil Zane - Eric (Charisse's Boyfriend)"

"James Avery - Eldon"

"Elayn J. Taylor - Eldon's wife"

"Andy Richter - Eugene Wilson"

"Mark Griffin - Logger / Nature Show Narrator"

"Ken Hudson Campbell - Animal Control Officer"

"Victor Raider-Wexler - Judge B. Duff"

"Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter"

"Anne Stedman - Woman"

"Googy Gress - Bear Announcer"

"Trevor Denman - Horse Race Announcer"

"Lisa Marie Hugueley - Shamu Trainer"

"Lawrence Pressman - Governor of California (uncredited)"

"Steve Zahn - Archie"

"Norm Macdonald - Lucky (uncredited)"

"Lisa Kudrow - Ava"

"Mike Epps - Sonny"

"Jacob Vargas - Pepito"

"Richard C. Sarafian - God Beaver"

"Michael Rapaport - Joey"

"Phil Proctor - Drunk Monkey"

"Isaac Hayes - Possum"

"Andy Dick - Mr. "Lennie" Weasel"

"John Witherspoon - Old Zoo Bear"

"Cedric the Entertainer - Young Zoo Bear"

"Jamie Kennedy, David Cross, Ken Hudson Campbell & Bob Odenkirk - Dogs"

"Maria Arcé & Melique Berger - Fish"

"David DeLuise & Hal Sparks - School of Fish"

"Reni Santoni - Rat #1"

"John Leguizamo - Rat #2 (uncredited)"

"Kevin Pollak - Alligator"

"Georgia Engel - Giraffe"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Squirrel"

"Mandy Moore - Girl Bear Cub"

"Frankie Muniz - Boy Bear Cub"

"Michael McKean & David L. Lander - Birds"

"Tom Kenny - Male Tortoise"

"Renée Taylor - Female Tortoise"

"Jamie Kennedy - Bandit"

"Keone Young & Clyde Kusatsu - Bees"

"Tara Mercurio - Deer"

"John DiMaggio - Seeing-Eye Dog, Wassup Fish, Mouse"

"Jamie Kennedy, David Cross, Ken Hudson Campbell & Bob Odenkirk - Animal Groupies"

"Ken Hudson Campbell, Jamie Kennedy & Bob Odenkirk - Forest Animals"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger - White Wolf (uncredited)"

"[re: Rae Carruth]: Goddammit, normally when you runnin' from the law, you wanna get a passport... go to Canada... Brazil... Mexico... uh-uh, not Ray-Ray! Ray-Ray took his ass to Nashville!"

"[re: Titanic]: The band was playin' as the ship went down. What black band YOU know gon' keep playin, with the damn ship goin down'? Kool & the Gang woulda been unpluggin' shit! [acts like picking equipment up with the microphone cord] "Man, let's get the fuck outta here! Wrap that shit up. Goddamn it, come on! Wrap this shit up! Let's go! GODDAMN IT, LET'S GO! Get that amplifier off 'fore somebody fuck around and get shocked!""

"[re: The Temptations and soul music vs. rappers and hip hop music] Five Temptations...one mic. Whatever they did, they came back to the mike! Stank-ass rappers make me sick! Now, ev'rybody on the goddamned stage got a mike! Forty motherfucking people! Motherfucker, why? We can't understand what ONE of yo' asses is sayin'!""

"[to "Boogie", a hip-hoppish member of the audience, after "Boogie" tells him he attends "computer school" and works in the field of "computer technology"] I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people...but you can't spell motherfucking "technology". I know you shouldn't even judge a book by its cover...but there is nothing about you, "Boogie", that says "computer"...or "school"!"

"When you go to church that much when you're a kid, you don't really care for church that much. So what you got to do is find little things to like about church, that make you want to go. And the one thing I liked about my church -- it might seem a little strange to you -- but the one thing that made me want to go all the time was when I found out that there was people that cussed at the church. That might not do it for y'all, but dammit, that done it for me."

"You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm FIRED? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas...""

"Nobody love God like black folks. Black folks love us some God. Jesus was black. If Jesus was black, then you know the apostles were black, 'cause wouldn't no 12 white men follow no brother. Not unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh? They ain't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he was black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now, if that ain't black folks' shit, I don't know what is. "Lord, we done ran outta wine!" "Well, you know, normally, I don't do this, but, uh...[Jesus turns the water into wine with one hand motion] gon' head, keep the party goin'.""

""We're going out of town; you're gonna have to stay with Big Mama." "GOD DAMN! I hate that bitch and she hate me!" Everything you did over your mean grandmama's house gonna run up her light bill. "Don't you come in my house talking loud! You gonna fuck around and run up my light bill! My light bill be sky high cause of yo' little black ass." Got them silly-ass superstitions: "Don't use the phone; there's a rainstorm! Lighting be done struck my house! Then my light bill be sky high!" "It's bad luck opening an umbrella in the house." No, it's bad luck having a hole in your fuckin' roof, that's what's bad luck!"

"Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!"

"I met this dude the other day named Daryl...he gon' tell me to call him "Delicious". "Ced, you can just call me 'Delicious'". [Laughs, then becomes serious] I'm a grown-ass man, dawg. I ain't gonna call no other dude "Delicious"! What if that nigga way down the street or summin? "'DELICIOUS'!!! Ay, D, hol' up!"."

"[re: Luther Vandross] I don't do "little" Luther. I like "big, curl-not-quite-right" Luther. That boy made all that money, and his curl never...*sigh*...his curl never...really...curled all the way over!"

"[On sex] Imagine if they put sex in a can."

"[On his penis] if I pull my shit out right now this whole room get dark."

"[re: whipping a child] I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!"

"If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin' luck wit' me!"

"[re: his two-year-old niece and six-year-old effeminate nephew]: I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew]!!"."

"I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!"

"We got jokes."

"The heavyweight champions of comedy"

"Seeing these long lines of fans who want nothing more than to have you sign an autograph, it's like it's 1968... Or '67... Or '66."

"You know, 35 years ago, preparing for a concert meant playing "find the cobra" with the hotel chambermaid."

"I feel ready for whatever the experience is that we will... take with us after the show. I'm sure it will be... an adventure... a voyage on this... magnificent vessel... into unchartered waters! What if we see sailfish... jumping... and flying across the magnificent orb of a setting sun?"

"Why didn't somebody follow him? Is there a cockfight arena near here?"

"Then there's the kids - we're hearing: "You rock... you rock me... you rock my world!" What?"

"He could be lying face down in a ditch! Wouldn't be the first time!"

"(referring to his mother) You could say she was overly protective - I just like to think she cared about me, which she did, a lot. And I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet, I had to wear a football helmet. Now who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something, I don't know."

"Before we begin tonight's performance I would like to make a brief announcement. I'd like to warn you that some of the floral arrangements at tonight's performance have dangerously low hanging vines and may be poisonous. So please, whatever you do, don't eat 'em and don't become entangled in them or trip, please."

"We are Winc. W-I-N-C. Witches In Nature's Colors"

"Terry and I worship an unconventional deity. The power of another dimension. Now you are not going to read about this dimension in a book or a magazine because it exists nowhere... but in my own mind. Through our ceremonies and rituals we have witnessed the awesome and vibratory power... of color."

"I learned to play the ukulele in one of my last films, "Not-So-Tiny Tim"."

"There had been abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature."

"This is not an occult science. This is not one of those crazy systems of divination and astrology. That stuff's hooey, and you've got to have a screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Our beliefs are fairly commonplace and simple to understand. Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration. You would make that conclusion walking down the street or going to the store."

"No, ladies and gentlemen, we don't ride around on broomsticks and wear pointy hats. Well, we don't ride on broomsticks."

"As you know, back in nineteen seventy mrrphph, I starred on a series called "Wha' Happened?", and every time something would go wrong, I would look at the camera and say, "Hey, wha' happened?" We had a lot of fun with that and a lot of other catchphrases: "I've got a weal wed wagon!", and, uh, "I can't do my wuurrrk!" And I believe I was the first one to use the phrase, "I don't think so!" But it only lasted a year, and that's good, because that's how you establish a cult..."

"I'd worked some bills with a few Folkies, you know, 'Put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him, put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him.' I used to say, 'if he's got a long enough hose, he's gonna make a lot of friends in the shower room.' Heh, heh, heh. Folk audiences hated that joke."

"To paraphrase an old joke... Knock, knock. Who's there? It's the New Main Street Singers!"

"Eugene Levy - Mitch Cohen"

"Catherine O'Hara - Mickey Crabbe"

"Bob Balaban - Jonathan Steinbloom"

"Harry Shearer - Mark Shubb"

"The D’Ascoynes certainly appeared to have accorded with the tradition of the landed gentry and sent the fool of the family into the Church"

"[Lady Agatha D'Ascoyne has been killed while sailing a hot-air balloon over London.] I shot an arrow in the air; she fell to earth in Berkeley Square."

"While I never admired Edith as much as when I was with Sibella, I never longed for Sibella as much as when I was with Edith."

"The Reverend Lord Henry was not one of those newfangled parsons who carry the principles of their vocation uncomfortably into private life."

"It is so difficult to make a neat job of killing people with whom one is not on friendly terms."

"The next morning I went out shooting with Ethelred—or rather, to watch Ethelred shooting; for my principles will not allow me to take a direct part in blood sports."

"I always say that my west window has all the exuberance of Chaucer without, happily, any of the concomitant crudities of his period."

"Dennis Price — Louis Mazzini"

"Alec Guinness — The D'Ascoynes"

"Joan Greenwood — Sibella Holland"

"Miles Malleson — Mr. Elliot The Hangman"

"No sense being a grifter if it's the same as bein' a citizen."

"[enters the poker game pretending to be drunk] Sorry I'm late, guys, I was takin' a crap."

"You see that fella in the red sweater over there? His name's Donnie McCoy. Works a few of the protection rackets for Cunnaro when he's waiting for something better to happen. Donnie and I have known each other since we were six. Take a good look at that face, Floyd. Because if he ever finds out I can be beat by one lousy grifter, I'll have to kill him and every other hood who wants to muscle in on my Chicago operation."

"[to Snyder] Sit down and shut up, will ya? Try not to live up to all my expectations."

"Robert Redford — Johnny "Kelly" Hooker"

"Paul Newman — Henry "Shaw" Gondorff"

"Robert Shaw — Doyle Lonnegan"

"Charles Durning — Lieutenant William Snyder"

"Ray Walston — J.J. Singleton"

"Eileen Brennan — Billie"

"Harold Gould — Kid Twist"

"John Heffernan — Eddie Niles"

"Dana Elcar — FBI Agent Polk"

"Jack Kehoe — Erie Kid"

"Dimitra Arliss — Loretta Salino"

"Robert Earl Jones — Luther Coleman"

"Charles Dierkop — Floyd"

"James J. Sloyan — Mottola"

"Well, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers."

"McKinley, four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?"

"I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?"

"[to Katie] I want you inside me!"

"Wait, Katie! When we first started hanging out together this morning, we were just friends, but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. And, I ju-I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So, I'm coming to you, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man, a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her, and yes-have sex with her, but no seriously Katie, I-I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I-I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual, all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you."

"As everybody knows, this week is the big culminating, climactic game against evil Camp Tigerclaw. We have put together an unlikely team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer. Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think would never be able to win a single game. We had a kooky training period where it seemed like... well, it seemed like NOTHING was gonna go right. But, guys, somehow we made it to the finals. So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from Camp Tigerclaw get here, we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute with some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game. What do you say, team?"

"You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore."

"Oh, fuck my cock!"

"Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them."

"OK, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys! God, am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it! Take a break! Think about what you've done."

"Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you. But you're really nice, I mean everybody thinks so. And, I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us. I still totally wanna be friends. You better write me a letter, okay?"

"If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot."

"High Times. Hard Bodies. Soft Rock."

"It was the last day of summer camp. It was the first day of the third week in August."

"Janeane Garofalo - Beth"

"David Hyde Pierce - Henry Newman"

"Molly Shannon - Gail von Kleinenstein"

"Paul Rudd - Andy"

"Christopher Meloni - Gene"

"Michael Showalter - Gerald "Coop" Cooperberg / Alan Shemper"

"Marguerite Moreau - Katie"

"Michael Ian Black - McKinley"

"Zak Orth - J.J."

"A.D. Miles - Gary"

"Elizabeth Banks - Lindsay"

"Ken Marino - Victor"

"Joe Lo Truglio - Neil"

"Amy Poehler - Susie"

"Kevin Sussman - Steve"

"Bradley Cooper - Ben"

"Marisa Ryan - Abby"

"Judah Friedlander - Ron"

"H. Jon Benjamin - Can of Mixed Vegetables"

"Jared Reiter - Roger the Master Broom Balancer"

"I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home."

"Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you."

"[locked in a closet] Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!"

"I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school."

"Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"[on a telephone] Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!"

"Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

"War Is Swell ...when the Marx Brothers are in it. They'll be out of the trenches by Christmas...if the food doesn't improve."

"Gags the whole town will be telling! Songs that will burst your bathroom walls! BOY HOW THEY HAND IT OUT!"

"A wild crazy nightmare of fun!"

"Laughing Soup...concocted, brewed and dished up by the Mad Marxes...Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo."

"The fanciest dish of screams—howls—beauty and music ever concocted."

"Bring Your Straight Jackets. You'll Roll In the Aisles."

"Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly"

"Harpo Marx - Pinky (pink wig appeared blonde in black-and-white film)"

"Chico Marx - Chicolini"

"Zeppo Marx - Lt. Bob Roland"

"Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Gloria Teasdale"

"Raquel Torres - Vera Marcal"

"Louis Calhern - Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania"

"Edmund Breese - Zander"

"Leonid Kinskey - Sylvanian Agitator"

"Charles Middleton - Prosecutor"

"Edgar Kennedy - Lemonade Vendor"

"In life, there are times to be quiet,and there are times to shut to the fuck up. This is one of those times."

"You talk more shit than a little bit."

"Bullshit, you're a goddamn virgin. You ain't seen no parts of the pussy."

"Learn to articulate, you juvenile delinquent!"

"shouts: Wake up!"

"You're just a jig-a-boo, tryin' to find somethin' to do!"

"Well, you're a wanna-be, wanna be better than me!"

"If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities will be revealed."

"So it seems, loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums."

"They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're also human beings."

"Bon Voyage, Pussy."

"Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb..."

"I will bash him brutally."

"Holy Sardine!"

"Catwoman?!"

"Holy nightmare!"

"Holy Polaris!"

"Holy Halloween!"

"Holy heart failure!"

"Holy bikini, that was close!"

"Holy Captain Nemo!"

"Holy heartbreak! Miss Kitka!"

"Holy jumble! Where's the hope of the world now?"

"[meows] You're going to see the purr-fect crime, when I get Batman in my claws! [hisses]"

"Scratch out their eyes!"

"Me-ow-oww."

"I say its crazy. But I say let's try it. We have to do something to get Batman out of the way!"

"Miss Kitka dies if you take one more step!"

"Nothing can stop us now."

"I'll slip into something more comfortable while your cocoa is warming."

"Penguin, you KNOW cats hate water!"

"Narrator: This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientific invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an urgent but anonymous call for help; the invention AND its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht! Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly into The Batcave, and then, as they have done many times before, as BATMAN AND ROBIN, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue!"

"The Riddler: Question: Who's going to make the feathers fly and knock Batman and Robin out of the sky?"

"The Joker: Have you heard this one? It'll KILL you, Batman! [laughs]"

"Penguin: There are two eggs this wily bird is gonna scramble. Batman and Robin!"

"FOR THE FIRST TIME ON THE MOTION PICTURE SCREEN IN COLOR! Adam West As Batman And Burt Ward As Robin Together With All Their Fantastic Derring-Do And Their Dastardly Villains, Too!"

"MEN DIE! WOMEN SIGH! Beneath that Batcape - he's all man!"

"Adam West - Bruce Wayne/Batman"

"Burt Ward - Dick Grayson/Robin"

"Lee Meriwether - Miss Kitka/The Catwoman"

"Cesar Romero - The Joker"

"Burgess Meredith - The Penguin"

"Frank Gorshin - The Riddler"

"Alan Napier - Alfred Pennyworth"

"Neil Hamilton - Commissioner James Gordon"

"Stafford Repp - Chief O'Hara"

"Madge Blake - Aunt Harriet Cooper"

"You stupid, ignorant, son of a bitch, dumb bastard! Jesus Christ, I met some dumb bastards in time, but you outdo them all! Get over there!"

"[running gag whenever he's ejected from the train in any manner] Son of a bitch!"

"[to George] That's bad, man! You're lookin' good! Now here, take this radio. When you step out of here, step out like King Shit. You bad! Put that radio to your ear. That's gonna help cover your face. Just move with the rhythm of the music. Move your body with the rhythm of the music. That's all you gotta remember, okay? Let me see you try it. Step to the music. Step to the music. Yeah. Step to the music. Stop. How come you whiteys got such a tight ass, man? How are you gonna walk outta here with a tan face and that white walk? Just get into the music. Come on, George. Loosen up. Listen to the beat. Let your feet move. Now, do it! Can't you feel it? The tempo's right here. Right in there. That's all you gotta do. Yeah, now try it! Don't you feel it? Yeah. Needs work, George. Needs a lot of work. You know that? Will you practice? Man, you gotta practice, but let it be loose! Listen to the music. Follow the beat. Hear?"

"By plane, by train, by the edge of your seat, it's the most hilarious suspense ride of your life!"

"Nothing can stop the Silver Streak"

"It's the Most Hilarious Suspense Ride of Your Life!"

"Gene Wilder - George Caldwell"

"Jill Clayburgh - Hilly Burns"

"Richard Pryor - Grover Muldoon"

"Patrick McGoohan - Roger Devereau"

"Ned Beatty - Bob Sweet"

"Clifton James - Sheriff Oliver Chauncey"

"Ray Walston - Mr. Edgar Whiney"

"Stefan Gierasch - Prof. Schreiner & Johnson"

"Len Birman - Chief Donaldson"

"Valerie Curtin - Plain Jane"

"Lucille Benson - Rita Babtree"

"Scatman Crothers - Ralston"

"Richard Kiel - Reace"

"Fred Willard - Jerry Jarvis"

"[after subduing a group of terrorists] I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!"

"My name is Sgt. Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad."

"It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano. Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

"Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin"

"Priscilla Presley as Jane Spencer"

"Ricardo Montalbán as Vincent Ludwig"

"George Kennedy as Capt. Ed Hocken"

"O. J. Simpson as Det. Nordberg"

"My food is created to nourish the soul, okay? I haven't used pork since Thelma was on Good Times about to marry Ibe, the African prince and I said, "No, no, no, I'm waiting on my African prince to be my baby's daddy, so I stopped use pork, because I started using chicken broth! So I don't know what you're talking about." See what I cook is much healthier than that *bird* stuff Alfred is cookin' for him!""

"...A-re-ah-der-chee to you too... and some mozzerella and fettichinni... Hell yea!"

"Halle Berry - Denise “Nisi”"

"Martin Landau - Mr. Donald Blakemore"

"Ian Richardson - Mr. Manley"

"Natalie Desselle-Reid - Tamika “Mickey”"

"Troy Byer - Tracy Shaw"

"Luigi Amodeo - Antonio"

"Jonathan Fried - Isaac"

"Pierre Edwards - Ali"

"A.J. Johnson - James"

"Bernie Mac - Mr. Johnson"

"Faizon Love - Tiger J"

"Rudy Ray Moore - Nate"

"LL Cool J as himself, cameo"

"Howard Hewett - himself, cameo"

"Leon Robinson - himself, cameo"

"Heavy D - himself, cameo"

"Dennis Rodman - himself, cameo"

"Things are gonna happen for me. I'm Joe Dirt!"

"I'm a rocker, dude, through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep..."

"Life's a garden. Dig it!"

"I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin' for my parents."

"You like to see homos naked?"

"It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole."

"Say it, don't spray it brother. Dang!"

"Ya gotta keep on, keepin' on."

"Right on! You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt."

"[puts up fists] You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mic right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin' and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?"

"[Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch] Now, this ain't no flapjack. I'll go real easy. I won't look."

"My name is Joe Dirté. I added an e to the end, 'cause it sounds cool."

"[Joe falls off a swing] And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feelin' that Brandy was lookin' up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown."

"There are three rules when dealin' with a deadly crocodile. Rule number one, I'm number one. Rule number two, the croc's number two."

"[To himself] YOU JUST SAID YOUR SISTER WAS HOT. WHAT A FUH-REAK. You're goin' to Hell, man, but it was worth it."

"That shit'll buff out."

"Luckily, my neck broke my fall."

"You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air?"

"Why don't you go practice fallin' down, I'll be there in a minute."

"I thought I had broken my ass bone!"

"[while on air balloon] I can see down your shirt!"

"I got the poo on me!!"

"I'm puttin' the lotion on the skin!"

"My face and your ass... I mean, your ass and my face."

"You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?"

"I don't care about this, and I don't care about these! And I hope I never see you again for the next twenty-five years!"

"Now, you're tellin' me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?"

"What's the story here? I'm a white trash idiot - the end."

"God Almighty, manna from inbred heaven. Hey freak boy: 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back."

"Why have you got a wig? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?"

"Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe."

"It does what it's told."

"It puts the lotion on its skin! You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!"

"Oh for christ sakes, HERE! [sends AutoTrader down well]"

"IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."

"Kickin’ Wing: You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era. That stuff doesn't work anymore."

"Clem: [talking to fire extinguisher] You're talkin' to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!"

"David Spade - Joseph "Joe" Dirt (né Nunamaker)"

"Brittany Daniel - Brandy"

"Dennis Miller - Zander Kelly"

"Adam Beach - Kickin' Wing"

"Christopher Walken - Anthony Benedetti/Clem Doore/Gert B. Frobe"

"Jaime Pressly - Jill"

"Kid Rock - Robby"

"Rosanna Arquette - Charlene"

"Joe Don Baker - Don, Brandy's father"

"Megan Harvey - Joe's little sister"

"Caroline Aaron - Mrs. Nunamaker"

"Fred Ward - Mr. Nunamaker"

"Brian Thompson - Buffalo Bob"

"Blake Clark - Farmer Fran"

"[To Richard Nixon] You kicked Checkers, you're prejudiced, and you have a potty mouth!"

"[Shouting, to Arlene] You can't let Dick control your life!"

"It's called incest, Arlene, and it's against the law."

"War is not healthy for children and other living things. [quoting a popular anti-Vietnam War protest slogan, originally created by poster artist Lorraine Schneider]"

"We have a very important school report on turquoise jewelry due in two days, and we can't find any books on it, and the President's having us followed. It's too much pressure."

"I love Dick!"

"[Being followed by the President's 'plumbers'] Dick frightens me."

"[After seeing Nixon's "I am not a crook" speech immediately after a threatening call] He's trying to drive me insane!"

"Checkers - shut up! Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!"

"I've got a way with young people. They trust me."

"You don't mess with the big boys!!"

"What about that list from CREEP? How could you let your dog eat it?! [Hysterical] You're ruining my life!!!"

"Dick is going down, man!"

"Excuse me, Mr. President. I was not informed that you were in the middle of... what the hell ARE you in the middle of?"

"It's alright, gentlemen. I'm familiar with these two young ladies. Well, not "familiar", familiar, obviously. I mean, I know them. We discussed foreign policy. [A secret service agent rolls his eyes knowingly] Don't you give me that look!"

"I'll take responsibility here. I'll be the only person in this administration who's willing to take responsibility for anything."

"Bob Haldeman: I have met yams with more going on upstairs than these two."

"Bob Haldeman: You wanna complain about Vietnam? Talk to Johnson!"

"Mrs. Spinnler: Every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell."

"G. Gordon Liddy: [Surprised by Betsy and Arlene in the Watergate stairwell] Children! Running around, all hours of the night! When you kids grow up, you'll be living in the Soviet Union of America!"

"Chip: [After sticking himself with an election pin] Figures that the pain in my ass is Nixon, the fascist."

"Larry: Whatever she's on, I didn't give it to her."

"He was tricky. They were better."

"The unmaking of the president"

"Kirsten Dunst - Betsy Jobs"

"Michelle Williams - Arlene Lorenzo"

"Dan Hedaya - President Richard M. Nixon ('Dick')"

"Will Ferrell - Bob Woodward"

"Bruce McCulloch - Carl Bernstein"

"Teri Garr - Helen Lorenzo"

"Dave Foley - Bob Haldeman"

"Jim Breuer - John Dean"

"Ana Gasteyer - Rose Mary Woods"

"Harry Shearer - G. Gordon Liddy"

"Saul Rubinek - Henry Kissinger"

"[v.o.] Arthur Herk: one of the few Floridians who was not confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan."

"I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television."

"[After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn."

"[v.o.] I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear [sic] weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it."

"[v.o.] We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning."

"[v.o.] What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos."

"Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes."

"[to his boss] Morning, douchebag."

"I need a missile."

"Make her stop! God in heaven, make her stop! SHE WANTS MY SOUL!!!"

"[Whilst pointing a gun at three thugs who walk towards him while he is speaking to his employer on the phone] Not right now, okay?"

"[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] Moron #2 just got Moron #1 all wet."

"[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef."

"Was that a goat?!"

"[Trapped on a delayed plane with idiotic sports fans after a surreal day in Miami] I really feel like killing somebody."

"[Opening the movie] God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you." [eats a Frito] In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami. [picks up another] You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. [eats it] Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you."

"Snake: [to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead."

"Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... jumped on me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny."

"Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms."

"Snake: [to the Russians] If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head."

"Leonard: If we don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how."

"Reap the whirlwind, Sheriff Brady. Reap it."

"If we're caught, we're gonna hang... But there's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip."

"You know, Sir, I do admire you, and I sure would like to touch the gun that's gonna kill Billy the Kid."

"Reap it, Murphy, you son of a bitch."

"Hey Colonel shit head, you can kiss my ass!""

"REGULATORS, MOUNT UP!"

"Papers can't do anything right."

"Regulators, we regulate any stealing of his property and we damn good too. But you can't be any geek off the street, gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!"

"Did you know pigs is as smart as dogs? It's true. I knew this fella in El Capitan who taught his pig to bark at strangers."

"Hey, you ain't no regulator, boy. You just stay here with the pork. They're smarter than you anyway; you might learn something."

"I'm not a pistoleer or a knifesmith like that greaser Chavez Chavez over there. I'm a pugilist."

"It ain't easy having pals."

"Six reasons why the west was wild."

"Don't count the odds, count the bodies."

"The odds were a hundred to one."

"Emilio Estevez - William H. "Billy the Kid" Bonney"

"Kiefer Sutherland - Josiah Gordon "Doc" Scurlock"

"Lou Diamond Phillips - Jose Chavez y Chavez"

"Charlie Sheen - Richard "Dick" Brewer"

"Dermot Mulroney - "Dirty Steve" Stephens"

"Casey Siemaszko - Charlie Bowdre"

"Terence Stamp - John Turnstall"

"Jack Palance - Lawrence Murphy"

"Terry O'Quinn - Alexander McSween"

"Sharon Thomas - Susan McSween"

"Geoffrey Blake - J. McCloskey"

"Brian Keith as Buckshot Roberts"

"Patrick Wayne - Pat Garrett"

"What happens in the kitchen, ends up on the plate."

"Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch!"

"Sir yes sir! Blue cheese for you stat! Have a good day big guy."

"Yes Masta..Right away, Masta..Ain't gonna be no bacon on the salad, Masta...no bacon..oh no no no."

"Yeah! Carpe deez nuts! God, I can't wait to quit this job!"

"Fuck you, bitch!"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven’t I been inside you?"

"Come on, Mom. Of course I'm being safe. I pull out."

"You think I want to have kids? Absolutely not. That's why I stick to anal sex."

"Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?"

"Nothing worse than going to the back room for some condiments and ending up staring at a huge, steamy pile of cock. [Shudders]"

"Mitch, you picked a fucked-up night to start working here."

"I'd do her (Amy). Hell I'd probably even pay. [chuckles] ...I would."

"It's okay, I understand how it works. Birds of a feather flock to vagina."

"That's Naomi, and she's been working here WAY too long. But, she's actually a pretty sweet girl...when she's drunk."

"[Regarding Nick and T-Dog] Those guys should be sterilized, and I'm not kidding at all."

"I guess we should feel some sort of guilt, but she broke the cardinal rule: Don't fuck with people who handle your food."

"OH, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER!"

"Everyone knows that I'm orally fixated, and you can't deny that I played your vagina like a violin."

"With women, it's always one of two things. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's really no need to ever call them again. Or they DO sleep with you... and then there's really no need to ever call them again."

"Women. They're so fucking wiley."

"It's like a horrible time paradox, where neither our wisdom, nor your virginity ever escape."

"[In the bathroom with Mitch, his shirt off] I know what you're thinking now. You think we're all gay, don't you? Think we're all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right? Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay. [Puts his shirt back on] I mean, I'll stick my finger up my ass every now and then when I'm feeling a little squirelly, but that's about the extent of it."

"And as if some kind of slut magic, POOF, you appear at my door"

"All right everybody, listen up, from here on out, Mitch is a made man. Anyone who has anything different to say, Nick and T-Dog will fuckin' cut you!"

"Did you see the tits at table 12?"

"Foreigners! I fucking hate foreigners!"

"(to Bishop, after offering her anger management counciling) You would do that for me? I appreciate that. I really do. But I think I'd rather you just WASH THE FUCKING DISHES AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking psychobabble bullshit asshole!"

"What!? (to Mitch) What do you want?! Get back in the fucking training room, you ass cock! God damn these fucking cooks. I hate them...I HATE THEM! Twenty minutes for two medium rare steaks. This is bullshit! They need to get rid of everyone of these lousy cock sucking...! (She emerges from the kitchen) So how is everything?"

"I hate this fucking place sometimes, you know. Why the fuck do we need four more people on at this time of day, man? Look at this place, it's fucking dead! I swear, Dan needs to clean the *shit* out of his fucking brain sometimes, man. Fucking asshole.[Sees Mitch for the first time] What are you looking at, fuck-wad?"

"Bitch, what makes you think I won't cut you?"

"(to Bishop) Man, fuck you, whitey!"

"(To Monty) How many time I gotta tell you man, its the Fuckin T-Dog yo."

"We'll run this city like the mother-fucking mob!"

"Take anything that he gives you, with a shot of penicillin."

"Unless you're combing the playground for middle schoolers, don't become an asshole like Monty."

"As if that negates the fact that once we got past foreplay, you turned into the Little Engine Who Couldn't Hold His Load."

"So, you know that weird, paranoid feeling you get when you hear people laughing and you think they're laughing at you when they're really not? Well, in your case, they actually are."

"If it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes."

"I can't believe how many homos we got workin' in here!"

"And that is the Lincoln. Now remember you have to shave it so it looks like a beard or it doesn't count."

"Oohh, it's so veiny!"

"You can't forget this, all right? You got to call them a fag, okay? The game loses all its meaning if you don't humilate them for being a fucking meatgazer, you got that?"

"Stop staring at my dick!"

"Well, it's official now. My penis is just for show."

"Look at the bat-wing, bitch!"

"Okay, Nicholas, Theodore. Boys. It doesn't take ten minutes to take out the trash. Now, if you don't get your asses out front and start doing some work, I'm going to fire you faster than you can say, "Yo, MTV Raps"!"

"Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was overcooked, but did you have to eat it all BEFORE you complained about it?"

"And remember: the difference between ordinary and extraordinary... is that little something extra. Alright, that's all I have for you. Have a great shift. Oh, and, uh, push the fish, it's about to turn."

"This is an exploding offer!"

"I want a single shot of whisky, and a double shot of whisky, and she'll have water. You know, what the hell. It's our anniversary. Would you bring her a Pepsi?"

"I don't mean to be a bitch, but the last four times we've come here the food was awful."

"Well, I want a hot pink center."

"I think I might name my daughter after chlamydia."

"It's good in a sense that I can take walks in my underwear; I can give small children the middle finger. But as long as I look happy while I'm doing it, people just assume I'm senile.... Well, sometimes I give small children the middle finger and don't realize I'm doing it until someone slaps me, so I really am going senile."

"The Fastest Hands In The East Meet The Biggest Mouth In The West."

"Pals Forever. If they can get past today."

"They come from different cultures. But on a case this big, they speak the same language."

"Jackie Chan as Chief Inspector Lee"

"Chris Tucker as Detective James Carter"

"Tom Wilkinson as Griffin / Juntao"

"Tzi Ma as Consul Han"

"Julia Hsu as Soo Yung"

"Chris Penn as Clive"

"Yang Lin as Consul Secretary"

"I am the great white ninja."

"I have traveled many miles and now have come disguised as a pimp to help you."

"Nice jacket, who shot the couch? (Laughter)"

"Haru, you are truly the Great White Ninja. (Finds out henchmen heard him say that) Did I say "ninja"? I meant "ninny." "Haru, you are such a ninny.""

"I wish I'd killed you months ago."

"There's no time! There's a bomb in here!"

"Ross Bagdasarian - Dave Seville, Alvin Seville, and Simon Seville"

"Janice Karman - Theodore Seville, Brittany Miller, Jeanette Miller, and Eleanor Miller"

"Dody Goodman - Miss Beatrice Miller"

"Anthony De Longis - Klaus Furschtein"

"Susan Tyrrell - Claudia Furschtein"

"Frank Welker - Sophie"

"Ken Sansom - Inspector Jamal, a detective for the INTERPOL"

"Nancy Cartwright - the Arabian Prince"

"Charles Adler"

"Philip Clark"

"Pat Pinney"

"George Poulos"

"Abracadabra? That`s the newest slang, all the kids are saying it! Abracadabra my nigga!"

"Kenny's Sweet Virgin ASS!"

"[Thurgood when finished with work] Free!!"

"I'm sexy... I'm a scholar... people like me"

"You guys smoke ENTIRELY too much reefer."

"I got some booty, I got some booty!"

"I, myself, am a master of the custodial arts..or a janitor if you wanna be a dick about it."

"Let me tell you something: I love weed. I love it! But not as much as I love pussy!"

"Abba Zabba....You're my only friend"

"I'm right behind you. Turn around and ask me for a heffer with cheese, yo. Why you gotta make me feel inferior cause I'm on the grill, B? Damn!"

"[To each of his fellow burger employees] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, [To the old lady customer] you're cool, [the old lady gives a thumb-up] and fuck you, I'm out!"

"Ahhhh this motherfucker said ice cream, B!"

"Nasty Nate: So the next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail...FRUIT!"

"Sir-Smoke-Alot: I want to talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted. Sometimes I just wanna throw it all down and get lifted!"

"Sir-Smoke-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, bitch!"

"Kenny: Ya hear that? I'm somebody's bitch!"

"Brian: Get some...sour cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerkey, some peanut butter. Get some Hagen-Dagz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and we'll make some s'mores man. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, we need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, water, a whole lotta water and.......Funyuns."

"Brian: Don't worry. Don't worry. l'm not gonna do what everyone thinks l'm gonna do: Flip out, man! All l wanna know is: who's comin' with me? Who's comin', man? Who's comin' with me?"

"Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some weird shit in there, man. There's a dude sittin' in the bushes, man, does he have a gun? I dunno, man, I dunno! Wha, wha? RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO. It's just some weird shit, man!"

"Sir-Smoke-Alot: Doctor says I need a back-iotomy!"

"They'll do anything to save their best bud."

"Warning: this movie may cause the munchies, cotton mouth, and memory loss!"

"A comedy about best buds!"

"[first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!"

"It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here."

"All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like."

"[waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking] Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! [waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect] Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! [waves the shampoo bottle] Oh, really, fool?! [waves the conditioner bottle] Really! [then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet] Stop lookin' at me, swan!"

"Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?"

"He said "poop"!"

"[about Eric] Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?"

"[singing] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. [the bus approaches] Well, here goes nothin'. [but the bus drives right passed him]"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!"

"[at the dodgeball period] Now you're all in big, big trouble!"

"[to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding] I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] You know how badly I could beat you, right? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]"

"JUST DO IT!!"

"You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!"

"[after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!"

"Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?"

"[to the female high-school classmate] No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!"

"[drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!"

"[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly] Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!"

"What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?"

"Billy Madison's Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"There's A New Name For Dumb."

"A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever."

"Adam Sandler as Billy Madison"

"Darren McGavin as Brian Madison"

"Bridgette Wilson as Veronica Vaughn"

"Bradley Whitford as Eric Gordon"

"Josh Mostel as Principal Max Anderson"

"Norm Macdonald as Frank"

"Mark Beltzman as Jack"

"Larry Hankin as Carl Alphonse"

"Theresa Merritt as Juanita"

"Dina Platias as Miss Lippy"

"Hrant Alianak as Pete"

"Vincent Marino as Cook"

"Jack Mather as Ted "Old Man" Clemens"

"Christopher Kelk as Rollo the Janitor"

"Marc Donato as Nodding 1st Grader"

"Keith Cole as Penguin"

"Chris Mei as Penguin"

"Conor Devitt as O'Doyle (Grade 1)"

"Jared Durand as Scotty Logan (Grade 1)"

"Jessica Nakamura as Tricia Labonte (Grade 1)"

"Helen Hughes as 2nd Grade Teacher"

"Jacelyn Holmes as 2nd Grade"

"Claire Celluci as Attractive Lady"

"Shane Farberman as Clown"

"Al Maini as Chauffeur"

"Jared Cook as Ernie (Grade 3)"

"Christian Matheson as O'Doyle (Grade 3)"

"Kyle Bailey as Kyle"

"Vernon Chapman as Butler"

"Mandy Watts as Maid"

"Austin Pool as Dan (Grade 3)"

"Gladys O'Connor as Tour Guide"

"Marcia Bennett as 4th Grade Teacher"

"Diane Douglass as Nurse"

"Tim Herlihy as Architect"

"Frank Nakashima as Architect"

"Joyce Gordon as Lunch Lady"

"Jordan Lerner-Ellis as Pothead"

"Daniel Lerner-Ellis as Pothead"

"Robert Smigel as Mr. Oblaski"

"Melissa Korzenko as Nancy Connors"

"Colin Smith as O'Doyle (Grade 9)"

"Jeff Moser as Paul"

"Amos Crawley as Rod"

"Tex Konig as Crazy Persons"

"Eduardo Gómez as Crazy Persons"

"Tanya Grout as Joyce (Eric's Secretary)"

"Benjamin Barrett as Tenth Grader"

"Matthew Ferguson as Tenth Grader"

"Sean Lett as O'Doyle (Grade 12)"

"Stacey Wheal as Jennifer (Grade 3)"

"Chris Farley as Bus Driver (uncredited)"

"Steve Buscemi as Danny McGrath (uncredited)"

"Jordan-Patrick Marcantonio as 10th Grader (uncredited)"

"Actually, I wasn't able to raise enough money to go to Paris."

"I had this prostitute fetish."

"After a while, just talking to them was no longer enough."

"I hoped that being completely honest would bring us together but I seriously miscalculated."

"- I love you. - I know, just please go take a shower."

"I promise, if you don't tell me, it's much better."

"How is this constructive?"

"Reality? Your "reality", sir, is lies and balderdash, and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever."

"And that was only one of the many occasions on which I met my death, an experience which I never hesitate strongly to recommend."

"Trust me, madam. Your underwear is in good hands."

"I have learned from experience that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious."

"Everyone who had a talent for it lived happily ever after."

"The King of the Moon: Cogito ergo est. I think, therefore you is."

"Berthold: Is there a doctor in the fish?"

"The negative stories about the shoot that were turning up in the Hollywood press were coming, we found out later, from a source at Film Finances – which was the completion bond company on the film. Their lawyer was a guy named Steve Ransohoff, whose father was Martin Ransohoff – who was Ray Stark's friend and partner. [...] I thought it was quite extraordinary, because the stories were doing two things – they were making me and the whole project look like it was completely out of control and all my fault, and that Film Finance, the completion guarantors, were the only thing holding it together – the people trying to bring control to it... the fact was, they were absolutely useless."

"The adults who should have been there to protect me were my parents, not you…[but] you can’t underestimate how in awe of you people like them can be. They didn’t want to be an annoyance or an inconvenience to anyone, and it must have been daunting to imagine holding up 100 people for your kid."

"Remarkable. Unbelievable. Impossible. And true."

"Adventure, Comedy, Romance. He was full of it."

"A true story. We've got the film to prove it."

"Bull. He was full of it."

"From the director of "Time Bandits" and "Brazil" a new movie full of NOISE...FLYING OBJECTS...SEAFOOD...CELEBRITIES...COMPASSION...TRAVEL...HONOR...GRAVITY...BULL...he was full of it. The Adventures of Baron Munchausen."

"John Neville — Hieronymus Karl Frederick Baron von Munchausen"

"Eric Idle — Desmond/Berthold"

"Sarah Polley — Sally Salt"

"Oliver Reed — Vulcan"

"Charles McKeown — Rupert/Adolphus"

"Winston Dennis — Bill/Albrecht"

"Jack Purvis — Jeremy/Gustavus"

"Valentina Cortese — Queen Ariadne/Violet"

"Jonathan Pryce — The Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson"

"Bill Paterson — Henry Salt"

"Peter Jeffrey — Sultan"

"Uma Thurman — Venus/Rose"

"Ray D. Tutto — The King of the Moon"

"Alright, that's more like it, now you're talking! You can do it, mates! I've never seen such sailors. Not in all my born days, I ain't. Naturals! My God, everyone of you, naturals... [beat; to himself] We're gonna fucking die!"

"[after losing his glass eye] It never did fit anyway. Guess you gotta get 'em custom made."

"Hey! Uh, leg feels a lot better now, boss. I always been a fast healer, you know. 'Course I believe in Jesus, so that helps."

"A diesel loves her oil same as a sailor loves rum."

"[Captain Ron has left Martin at the wheel to pilot the boat alone. His wife comes and stands next to him] Isn't this great? Look at this! Open ocean, uncharted islands... Who knows what's waiting for us out there? Come here. [hugs his wife] Log entry: Day two. The adventure begins! What a thrill it is to be leaving the turmoil of civilization behind us!"

"Kurt Russell — Captain Ron"

"Martin Short — Martin Harvey"

"Mary Kay Place — Katherine Harvey"

"Benjamin Salisbury — Benjamin Harvey"

"Meadow Sisto — Caroline Harvey"

"Sunshine Logroño — General Armando"

"Jorge Luis Ramos — General Armando's Translator"

"J.A. Preston — Magistrate"

"[distraught over losing his Green Hornet fishing rod in the fishing hole] Where's the Green Hornet?"

"Kids. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em."

"Jack Lemmon - John Gustafson"

"Walter Matthau - Max Goldman"

"Ann-Margret - Ariel Truax"

"Kevin Pollak - Jacob Goldman"

"Ossie Davis - Chuck"

"Buck Henry - Snyder"

"Daryl Hannah - Melanie Gustafson"

"Burgess Meredith - John Gustafson, Sr."

"Vengeance isn't true power. Anyone can take a life. Giving life is true power, the power you once had."

"Hey Freeze, the heat is on!!"

"Why are all the beautiful ones homicidal maniacs? Is it me?"

"There is no defeat in death, Master Bruce. Victory comes in defending what we know is right while we still live."

"I'll cancel the pizzas!"

"We're going to need a bigger cave."

"As I told Lady Freeze when I pulled her plug, "This is a one woman show"."

"There's something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that puts fire in a girl's lips."

"It took God seven days to create paradise. Let's see if I can do better."

"Men, the most absurd of God's creatures. We give you life... and we can take it away just as easily."

"Sorry, my vines have a crush on you!"

"I'm a lover not a fighter, which is why every Poison Ivy action figure comes with him! [gestures to Bane]"

"I am Nature's arm. Her spirit. Her will. Hell, I am Mother Nature, and the time has come for plants to take back the world so rightfully ours! 'cause it's not nice to fool with Mother Nature."

"Kiss me and I'll tell you."

"One kiss...my love...for luck."

"Freeze in hell, Batman!"

"Freeze well."

"Let's kick some ice!"

"Grab the gem! Kill the heroes! Yes! Yes! Kill them!"

"The Ice Man cometh!"

"Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it is the chilling sound of your doom!"

"What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!"

"Can you feel it coming? The icy cold of space. At 30,000 feet, your heart will freeze and beat no more."

"I hate when people talk during the movie."

"Alright everyone! Chill."

"In this universe, there is only one absolute: Everything freezes."

"No matter what they tell you, Mr. Bane, it is the size of your gun that counts."

"You're not sending me to the cooler!"

"I hate uninvited guests."

"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest: It's time to feast!"

"[freezes Robin] Stay cool, Birdboy."

"Dare to be cold, Batman?"

"Tonight's forecast: A Freeze is coming!"

"After you're frozen, your icy tomb will plummet back to Gotham."

"A laundry service that delivers. Wow!"

"I hope Mr. Bane can swim."

"I just thought the last one had been successful, so I thought I was just going to be in a big, successful franchise movie. [And] in a weird way I was. Batman is still the biggest break I ever had and it completely changed my career, even if it was weak and I was weak in it. It was a difficult film to be good in. I don't know what I could have done differently. But if I am going to be Batman in the film Batman & Robin, I can't say it didn't work and then not take some of the blame for that."

"I was in a rubber suit. I had rubber nipples. I could have played him straight but I didn't. I made him gay."

"Because of my love for the world of Batman, I went to Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin with real anticipation. I got thrilled all over again by the Gothic towers of Gotham City. I was reminded of how cool the Batmobile is (Batman has a new one), and I smiled at the fetishistic delight with which Batman and Robin put on their costumes, sheathing themselves in shiny black second skins and clamping on lots of belts, buckles, shields, hooks, pulleys, etc. (How much does that stuff weigh? How do they run while they're wearing it?) But my delight began to fade at about the 30-minute mark, when it became clear that this new movie, like its predecessors, was not *really* going to explore the bizarre world of its heroes, but would settle down safely into a special effects extravaganza. Batman & Robin, like the first three films in the series, is wonderful to look at, and has nothing authentic at its core."

"Listening to Schwarzenegger's one-liners ("The iceman cometh!"), I realized that a funny thing is happening to the series: It's creeping irresistibly toward the tone of the 1960s TV show. The earlier Batman movies, especially the dark Batman Returns (1992), made a break with the camp TV classic and went for moodier tones. But now the puns and punchlines come so fast the action has to stop and wait for them. Although we don't get the POW! and WHAM! cartoon graphics, this fourth movie seems inspired more by the TV series than the Bob Kane comic character."

"What I'll remember from the film are some of the images, such as the Gotham Observatory, which is inside a giant globe held aloft far above the city streets by a towering statue in the Grecian style. And I will remember Mr. Freeze sadly looking at a little music-box figure of his wife. And Alfred poignantly searching his family tree on his computer. And Ivy's leafy eyebrows. My prescription for the series remains unchanged: scale down. We don't need to see $2 million on the screen every single minute. Give the foreground to the characters, not the special effects. And ask the hard questions about Bruce Wayne. There is a moment in the film where we learn that the new telescope in the Gotham Observatory can look at any place on Earth. "Just don't point it at my bedroom", Bruce Wayne chuckles. What is he chuckling about?"

"Joel [Schumacher] would sit on a crane with a megaphone and scream before each take, 'Remember, everyone, this is a cartoon'. It was hard to act because that kind of set the tone for the film."

"It's as if Clooney didn't spend any time figuring out what makes Batman tick. This is a rich man who is so weird and troubled that he dresses like a bat and chases criminals every night for years and years. Would a normal person do that? The rubber suit alone should have been the tip-off. This guy has problems."

"At a gala in Gotham City, the fabulous Poison Ivy makes her entrance in a fluffy magenta gorilla suit made from 450 Santa Claus wigs. Then she peels this off slowly as the band plays her theme song. And out comes the most show-stopping character in Batman and Robin, the fourth and most frenetically gaudy feature in the series. As played by Uma Thurman, Poison Ivy is perfect, flaunting great looks, a mocking attitude and madly flamboyant disguises. Like Mae West, she mixes true femininity with the winking womanliness of a drag queen. Poison Ivy captures the essence of Batman and Robin, a wild, campy costume party of a movie and the first Batman to suggest that somewhere in Gotham City there might be a Studio 54. Joel Schumacher, director and ringmaster, piles on the flashy showmanship and keeps the film as big, bold, noisy and mindlessly overwhelming as possible. In this context, it's not surprising that even the opening credit sequence is at fever pitch. The movie begins with Batman and Robin caught up in a crazed hockey match, taking off on a rocket and then surfing through space."

"[The costume] was made by Jose Fernandez, who was our brilliant lead sculpture. If you look at Batman and Batman Returns, it was the genius, Bob Ringwood who created those suits, so by the time we got to Batman Forever, the rubber and techniques had gotten so sophisticated. If you look at when Michael Keaton appears in the first suit, you'll notice how large it is. It was brilliant but the best they could do at the time. By the time Batman Forever came around, rubber molding had become so much more advanced. So I said, let's make it anatomical and gave photos of those Greek statues and those incredible anatomical drawings you see in medical books. He did the nipples and when I looked at them, I thought, that's cool."

"There was a lot of pressure from Warner Bros. to make Batman & Robin more family-friendly. We decided to do a less depressing Batman movie and less torture and more hero. I know I have been criticized a lot for this, but I didn't see the harm in that approach at all."

"If there's anybody watching this, that... let's say, loved Batman Forever, and went into Batman & Robin with great anticipation, if I've disappointed them in any way, then I really want to apologize. Because it wasn't my intention. My intention was just to entertain them."

"A film that boasts 10 Bat weapons specific enough to be mentioned in the press notes (plus four different "Batarangs") yet considers lines like "Freeze, you're mad" to be acceptable dialogue, Batman & Robin lives and dies by the aesthetic of excess, the familiar idea that anything worth doing is worth overdoing. You may admire its surface, but it is far too slick for even a toehold's worth of connection. While it would take more time than it's worth to list all the wrinkles of the film's Akiva Goldsman plot, Batman & Robin has the eerie feeling of having no beginning, no middle and no end. Watching it is like stumbling into the world's longest-coming attractions trailer, or a product reel for a visual effects house."

"Oh no, my mom never kept a secret of the fact my dad chose his career over us. What was it she used to say? Once a carnie, always a carnie. Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top."

"Hello Father Donnagan, sidewalks? sidewalks? Iris, stop it, it's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them."

"Oh my God! My baby. That swan ate my baby. Baby, please, get out, we gotta go to State!"

"My Mom gave me this 9mil for my birthday, I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners". That's why, no matter what I do, I aim to win."

"I chose Mount Rushmore, 'cause to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American."

"Tammy: Maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant, but other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club either, and I did. It's just like Anthony Robins says, "I'm a winner, nobody can stop me, but me"."

"Annette: I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house, you go find the guy who cut them off, he'll give 'em to you so you can practice for the pageant."

"Leslie: They'll never let you perform naked, I asked."

"Hank: Harold, Harold, Are we on cops again Harold?"

"If looks could kill..."

"Kirsten Dunst — Amber Atkins"

"Denise Richards — Becky Ann Leeman"

"Kirstie Alley — Gladys Leeman"

"Ellen Barkin — Annette Atkins"

"Allison Janney — Loretta"

"Amy Adams — Lesley Miller"

"Mindy Sterling — Iris"

"Brooke Bushman — Tammy Curry"

"Matt Malloy — John Dough"

"Will Sasso — Hank"

"Mo Gaffney — Terry Macey"