BBC shows

"Hermit, before the opening titles: 'It's..."

"Announcer: And now for something completely different."

"The BBC were constantly replacing us with such important things as show jumping. They didn't like us very much at all."

"Five [episodes] are definitely cringe-worthy … on balance, and I suppose another five or so [are] a little below par, and about a third of the rest are pretty good. And the rest: really, really, quite good."

"Graham Chapman"

"John Cleese"

"Terry Gilliam"

"Terry Jones"

"Michael Palin"

"Carol Cleveland"

"Dave Lister, the only human survivor, who was suspended in stasis for 3 million years; played by Craig Charles"

"Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of Lister's former superior; played by Chris Barrie"

"The Cat, the last known member of a race of humanoids evolved from Lister's cat; played by Danny John-Jules"

"Kryten, a mechanoid originally from the Nova 5 whom Lister rebuilt; played by David Ross in the Series II episode, Kryten, and by Robert Llewellyn beginning from the Series III episode Backwards onward"

"Holly, the supercomputer onboard Red Dwarf; played by Norman Lovett from Series I-II and VII onward and Hattie Hayridge from Series III-V"

"Kristine Kochanski, a version of Lister's former girlfriend from a parallel universe; played by Chloë Annett"

"Craig Charles - Dave Lister (Series I - Present)"

"Danny John-Jules - The Cat (Series I - Present)"

"Chris Barrie - Arnold Rimmer (Series I - Present)"

"Robert Llewellyn - Kryten (Series III - Present)"

"Norman Lovett - Holly (Series I - II, VII - VIII, XII - The Promised Land)"

"Hattie Hayridge - Holly (Series III - V)"

"Clare Grogan - Kristine Kochanski (Series I, II, VI) Chloë Annett - Kristine Kochanski (Series VII - VIII, Back to Earth)"

"Mac McDonald - Captain Frank Hollister (Series I - II, VIII, XII)"

"Rowan Atkinson - Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh"

"Elspet Gray - The Queen"

"Tim McInnerny - Percy"

"Patrick Allen - Narrator"

"Brian Blessed - King Richard IV"

"Tony Robinson - Baldrick"

"Robert East - Prince Harry, Prince of Wales"

"Rowan Atkinson - Lord Edmund Blackadder"

"Tim McInnerny - Lord Percy"

"Miranda Richardson - Queen Elizabeth I"

"Stephen Fry - Lord Melchett"

"Patsy Byrne - Nursie"

"Tony Aitken - Minstrel"

"Rik Mayall - Lord Flashheart"

"Hugh Laurie - Prince Ludwig"

"Tom Baker - Capt. Rum"

"Rowan Atkinson - Edmund Blackadder, Esq"

"Hugh Laurie - The Prince Regent"

"Helen Atkinson-Wood - Mrs. Miggins"

"Stephen Fry - Duke of Wellington"

"Tim McInnerny - The Scarlet Pimpernel"

"Miranda Richardson - Amy Harwood"

"Rowan Atkinson - Captain Edmund Blackadder"

"Tony Robinson - Private Baldrick"

"Hugh Laurie - Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St. Barleigh"

"Stephen Fry - General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett"

"Tim McInnerny - Captain Kevin Darling"

"Miranda Richardson - Nurse Mary"

"Rik Mayall - Lord Flasheart"

"Rowan Atkinson - Sir Edmund Blackadder"

"Stephen Fry - King Charles I"

"Rowan Atkinson - Ebenezer Blackadder / Lord Edmund Blackadder / Edmund Blackadder, Esq. / Grand Admiral Blackadder"

"Tony Robinson - Baldrick / Baldrick / Sod-Off Baldrick / Baldrick"

"Miranda Richardson - Queen Elizabeth I / Asphyxia XIX"

"Stephen Fry - Lord Melchett / Lord Frondo"

"Hugh Laurie - George, the Prince Regent / Lord Pigmot"

"Robbie Coltrane - Spirit of Christmas"

"Miriam Margolyes - Queen Victoria"

"Jim Broadbent - Prince Albert"

"Rowan Atkinson - Lord Edmund Blackadder / King Edmund III / Centurion Blackaddicus"

"Tony Robinson - Sod-Off Baldrick / Baldricus"

"Miranda Richardson - Lady Elizabeth / Queen Elizabeth"

"Tim McInnerny - Archdeacon Darling / Duc de Darling / Duke of Darling"

"Hugh Laurie - Viscount George Bufton-Tufton / Consul Georgius"

"Stephen Fry - Bishop Melchett / Melchett / General Flavius Melchius / The Duke of Wellington"

"Rik Mayall - Robin Hood"

"Colin Firth - William Shakespeare"

"Kate Moss - Maid Marian / Queen Marian of Sherwood"

"Simon Russell Beale - Napoleon"

"Jennie Bond - Royal Reporter"

"Crispin Harris - Friar Tuck"

"Marian: Rabies, what's thick and chops down trees? Rabies: Erm, me. Marian: Correct."

"Marian: Robin, do stop talking in that silly voice. One of these days we're going to be famous, and our story will be told all over the world in moving picture galleries. It's going to look really stupid if we're all nicely spoken and you're gibbering on like a posey cowboy, isn't it."

"Sheriff: Sew up my elephant! Gladys: Pardon? Sheriff: Sew up my elephant! Gladys: What you said doesn't make any sense! Why ... don't... you... take... another... look... at your... phrase... book"

"Sheriff: [singing] From the moment I saw you I swore you would make me foolhardy How I wanted to loosen your hair And to take off your... cardy! There's never been a moment like this! Of absolute bliss! I've been pierced, I've been pierced I've been pierced, I've been pierced I've been pierced through the heart by your eyes!"

"Marian: How about laying a patio? Snooker: I couldn't handle the pain. Marian: Pardon? Snooker: Have you seen the face of a chicken when it lays an egg? And a patio is like 100 times bigger! NO, thank you."

"Robin: See! I set fire to your underpants!"

"Marian: Stop! One false move and I'll run this man through! Sheriff: Oh goodness me. What a terrible threat. Let's all put our weapons back in their cases and go home, shall we. Are you mad?? Do you think I have the slightest interest in that worm's life?? I've seen more interesting faces on the wrong end of a donkey!! Guards - Kill her! And if he gets in the way, hack him to pieces!! Marian: I said stop! Do you see what he has in his hands? King John's underpants! If he gets run through, what'll happen to them? Great big red stains! And have you ever tried to get blood out of weasel wool? It's impossible! Graeme: She's right sir! I tried it with my usual washing powder, and the stains just wouldn't shift!"

"Robin: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY UNDERPANTS!!!"

"King John: Under what are you accused? Barrington: Selling a rat, answering back, whistling in the corridor and dumb insolence. King John: Then I find you... Guilty! Hahah hah! Barrington [sarcastically]: Aw, thanks very much! King John: And I sentence you to 500 lines, and a months torture! Barrington: Awww... I HATE lines..."

"Marian [fantasising about her plans for a freedom fighting band]: We'll have bows and arrows, and we'll hold rich travellers to ransom! Robin: What, money you mean? Marian: Yes! And we'll give it all to the poor! Robin: I want to go home. Marian: And we'll surround ourselves with a band of highly attractive respectable young men who are just a tiny bit rough, and are dedicated to freeing our country from tyranny, and injustice, and cruelty to animals and stuff! And we'll swing through the trees on long ropes... and we'll have our own costumes, and we'll never be cross or grumpy! And we'll do these fantastically brave deeds with a merry smile on our face, and everyone will say: "Good heavens, it's those merry men! Come in and have a cup of tea! Can I have your autograph?" And nobody will dare stand against us. And our names will go down in history. And we'll be famous forever! And people will name pubs after us! What do you think? Robin: ..... .... We'll really have our own costumes? Originals I mean, not out of a catalogue? Marian: Yep! Robin: Who's going to design them? Marian: ... You? Robin: Right! You're on!"

"Guy: I'm happy as a chappy with a great big nappy!"

"Guy: I'm as clean as a queen as a washine machine! King John: You'll be as bruised as a queen as a washine machine!"

"Barrington: It's pancake day, yes it's pancake day. It's p-p-p-p-p-pancake day."

"Rabies: So, if that's Marian. And that's Robin. And that's Little Ron.... Where's Plop plop? Plop Plop: (A large purple alien) Here I am! Rabies: See, I knew there had to be a simple explanation."

"[having emphatically disagreed with someone] He's right you know..."

"Eyes down for a full house."

"Hiya Tubb!"

"Hello boys! What can I do for you?"

"No, stop messing about!"

"Go on, be a devil!"

"Ooh, you are rotten."

""I wish I were a chestnut tree,"

"I know a bar, where peanuts are,"

"John Cleese – Basil Fawlty"

"Prunella Scales – Sybil Fawlty"

"Andrew Sachs – Manuel"

"Connie Booth – Polly Sherman"

"Ballard Berkeley – Major Gowen"

"Brian Hall – Terry Hughes (second series only)"

"Renee Roberts – Miss Ursula Gatsby"

"Gilly Flower – Miss Agatha Tibbs"

"Jennifer Saunders as Edina "Eddy" Monsoon"

"Joanna Lumley as Patsy Stone"

"Julia Sawalha as Saffron "Saffy" Monsoon"

"Jane Horrocks as Bubble"

"June Whitfield as Gran/Mother (Mrs. June Monsoon)."

"Lulu (singer) as herself"

"Christopher Malcolm as Justin"

"Naoko Mori as Sarah"

"Kathy Burke as Magda"

"Christopher Ryan as Marshall"

"Adrian Edmondson as Hamish"

"Helen Lederer as Catriona"

"Harriet Thorpe as Fleur"

"Miranda Richardson as Bettina"

"Patrick Barlow as Max"

"Mo Gaffney as Bo"

"Kate O'Mara as Jackie"

"Dawn French as Kathy"

"Come with us now, on a journey through time and space, to the world of The Mighty Boosh!"

"The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw!"

"The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a shark with knees!"

"The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a wet flannel!"

"The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a typhoon with the flu!"

"Boosh! Boosh! Stronger than a moose! Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop!"

"The Boosh is loose; see it or throw your eyes in the bin!"

"Bouncy Bouncy, Ohh such a good time!"

"Julian Barratt - Howard Moon/Various"

"Noel Fielding - Vince Noir/Various"

"Michael Fielding - Naboo"

"Dave Brown - Bollo/Various"

"Rich Fulcher - Bob Fossil/Various"

"Matt Berry - Dixon Bainbridge"

"Victoria Wicks - Mrs Gideon"

"Richard Ayoade - Saboo"

"I like The Young Ones a lot, I think they're excellent—particularly Rik Mayall. I think he's brilliant."

"Paul Eddington – The Right Honourable James Hacker MP"

"Nigel Hawthorne – Sir Humphrey Appleby"

"Derek Fowlds – Bernard Woolley"

"Yes, Prime Minister (2013)"

"Television shows"

"The Yes (Prime) Minister Files"

"BBC Guide to Yes Minister"

"Captain George Mainwaring - Arthur Lowe"

"Sergeant Arthur Wilson - John Le Mesurier"

"Lance Corporal Jack Jones - Clive Dunn"

"Private James Frazer - John Laurie"

"Private Charles Godfrey - Arnold Ridley"

"Private Frank Pike - Ian Lavender"

"Private Joe Walker - James Beck"

"Chris Morris - Himself, Ted Maul, other roles"

"Steve Coogan - Alan Partridge, Alvin Holler, Mr Hennety of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Rebecca Front - Barbara Wintergreen, Rosy May, Valerie Sinatra, Ange of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Doon Mackichan - Collaterlie Sisters, Maria of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Patrick Marber - Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot, Chapman Baxter, Guy of "The Bureau", other roles"

"David Schneider - Sylvester Stewart, Brant, Alex of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Michael Alexander St John - Voiceover"

"Sarah Alexander - Susan Walker"

"Gina Bellman - as Jane Christie"

"Kate Isitt - Sally Harper"

"Jack Davenport - Steve Taylor"

"Ben Miles - Patrick Maitland"

"Richard Coyle - Jeff Murdock (series 1 - 3)"

"Richard Mylan - Oliver Morris (series 4)"

"Ardal O'Hanlon - Thermoman/George (Series 1-5)"

"James Dreyfus - Thermoman/George (Series 6)"

"Emily Joyce - Janet"

"Hugh Dennis - Dr. Piers Crispin"

"Geraldine McNulty - Mrs. Raven"

"Lou Hirsch - Arnie"

"Phillip Whitchurch - Tyler"

"Lill Roughley - Ella Dawkins"

"Tim Wylton - Stanley Dawkins"

"Ricky Gervais - David Brent"

"Martin Freeman - Tim Canterbury"

"Mackenzie Crook - Gareth Keenan"

"Lucy Davis - Dawn Tinsley"

"Ricky Gervais - Andy Millman"

"Ashley Jensen - Maggie Jacobs"

"Stephen Merchant - Darren Lamb (credited as "Agent")"

"Shaun Williamson - Barry from EastEnders (himself)"

"Shaun Pye - Greg Lindley-Jones"

"I don't believe it! [multiple episodes]"

"[answering the telephone] 4291?"

"Bloody thing! [multiple episodes]"

"Jeremy Clarkson (2002-2015)"

"Richard Hammond (2002-2015)"

"James May (2003-2015)"

"'The Stig'"

"Jason Dawe (2002)"

"Since it has absolutely nothing to do with politics or religion, only with cars, it is one of the very few programs at the Burka Broadcasting Corporation still worth seeing."

"(To Edith) You stupid woman!"

"(To Madame Fanny) Shut up, you (silly) old bat."

"You may wonder what I am doing...."

"Oh Yvette!"

"René! What are you doing with that woman?"

"René! What are you doing, holding that poor servant-girl in your arms?"

"Ooooh, Rrrrenéééé!"

"Edith! Yvette! Maria/Mimi! Oh! Does nobody hear the cries of an poor old woman!?"

"Ze flashing knobs, ze flashing knobs!! (in later seasons, Leclerc often comes out from the bedclothes)"

"Not the onion soup!"

"Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once."

"Can you do nothing right?!"

"Monsieur Alfonse, undertaker - Swiftly, and with style."

"Ze small hearse with ze small horse."

"Ohhh... my dicky ticker!"

"I love you, I love you! (running after Madame Edith and pinching her bum)"

"It is I, Leclerc!"

"Leclerc: It is I, Leclerc, man of a thousand faces!"

"René: All of them the same."

"May I kiss you?"

"Yes, Herr Flick!"

"[at the top of her voice] GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!"

"Gid moaning."

"I have bad nose."

"I have a massage from Michelle."

"I was pissing by the door..."

"I was in the poop"

"Hole Hotler!"

"Take off your clothes."

"You may kiss me!"

"Flick ze Gestapo... no, I said FLICK ze Gestapo!"

"Give me my powerful Gestapo binoculars."

"You vill dress as a woman of the opposite sex"

"What-a mistake-a to make-a"

"Da a beautiful laidy i-a kiss-a your hand"

"Heil-a Mussolini! (in response to General Von Klinkerhoffen's "Heil Hitler")"

"My heart goes boom-titi-boom... titi-boom"

"Colonnello! (kisses Von Strohm on his bald head)"

"Ow are you getting on, ey?"

"'tler! (pronouncing only the last third of "Heil Hitler!")"

"Hello! (when they come out of hiding)"

"(Jolly) good show!"

"Gorden Kaye - René Artois"

"Carmen Silvera - Edith Artois"

"Vicki Michelle - Yvette Carte-Blanche"

"Francesca Gonshaw - Maria Recamier"

"Rose Hill - Fanny La Fan"

"Sue Hodge - Mimi Labonq"

"Jack Haig - Roger LeClerc"

"Robin Parkinson - Ernest LeClerc"

"Kirsten Cooke - Michelle Dubois from the Resistance"

"Kenneth Connor - Monsieur Alphonse (undertaker)"

"Hilary Minster - General Erich Von Klinkerhoffen"

"Richard Marner - Col. Kurt von Strohm"

"Guy Siner - Lt. Hubert Gruber"

"Kim Hartman - Pvt./LCpl. Helga Geerhart"

"Sam Kelly - Captain Hans Geering"

"Richard Gibson - Herr Otto Flick of the Gestapo"

"John Louis Mansi - Bobby Cedric Von Smallhousen(also from the Gestapo)"

"Gavin Richards - Captain Alberto Bertorelli"

"Arthur Bostrom - Officer Crabtree"

"John D. Collins - British airman Gavin Fairfax"

"Nicholas Frankau - British airman Bumbley Carstairs"

"Sir Alan Sugar: [to the candidates, in the first-ever boardroom meeting] As far as I'm concerned, what I have in front of me here are fourteen of Britain's best prospects. Quite a few thousand applied for this job: a job with me, a job that's gonna bring you a six-figure salary. But to get that job, you're gonna have to demonstrate to me your skills and leadership, business acumen, shrewdness, the lot."

"(the first-ever task briefing) Sir Alan Sugar: Okay folks, in this factory over 3 million newspapers are going to be printed in a short period of time. By about 5 o'clock tomorrow night, they're all going to be sold. What these people have learned over the years is get it sold quickly and don't have any inventory left over. Now I can see you're all smartly dressed up suited and booted, maybe because you think you've heard the word "the financial times" and you've had something in your mind grander than what I've got in mind for you. Well, it's not very grand, it's not a city job, I'm gonna take you back to the grass roots where I started. You're going out in the streets tomorrow and you're gonna be selling something. A similar commodity to these newspapers: Flowers. They're also worthless the day afterwards. I'm gonna give each team £500, and you're gonna buy £500 worth of flowers, and then you're gonna get out in the street and start selling them. Nick is gonna be following the girls' team; Margaret, the boys team and the team that sells the most and has the most money at the end of the day is gonna win. And in the team that loses, one of you is gonna get fired."

"Adele Lock: I'm not in the right place here. And it will come as no surprise to you, Sir Alan, that I don't like what I'm doing. I've never been so undermined and demeaned in my life, to do some of these things. Margaret Mountford: What's demeaning about stocking an area of a shop and selling? Adele Lock: I haven't got a problem with that, I do that all the time, I'm a retailer. I have got personal emotional problems that's happening in my life, I'm sorry, this isn't for me. I'm going to leave today, so Sir Alan I'd like to make your job a lot easier, and Tim I'd like to make your job a lot easier. I'm going to leave it at that. Sir Alan Sugar: You know, it's an easy way out, Adele... Adele Lock: No, it's not an easy way out, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: It is. Look, Adele, I've been around a long time. You're a shrewd lady. Thank you for your little speech just now, but I wanna tell you this. Despite what Tim might have come up with today, you was going to go. You read it right, and the reason you was gonna go was because you took no notice of what I said outside the shop. I told you to be respectful to people, you have a problem being respectful to people, and I hope that you can contain that problem in the rest of your business life. I wish you well, I'm sorry about the problems you may have with your family and your emotions and all that stuff. It's a shame that it's gone this way. [to the rest of the team] You lot are dead lucky, that's all I can say to you. Adele Lock: *Outside the boardroom* Cheeky bastard."

"Paul Torrisi: First time we have a girl as a project leader and it's the first time we lose. Matthew Palmer: (laughs) That's irrelevant. We couldn't have kept on that streak while some of our team were being- Paul Torrisi: Give a woman a position of power and they go fucking doolally. All of a sudden they think they're Adolf flamin' Hitler."

"Raj Dhonota: The whole group was fully snotty though. (On First Forte) Saira Khan: (normal vocie) Well they are. They've got (posh voice) Sebastian who talks very terribly posh and they've got, oh James, who knows everybody in London. (Normal voice)Oh, yea- he must have gone through the list and gone (higher posh voice) Oh. Victoria Daid had them round for tea the other day and the person who had gone the Goldman's Sachs and my mother's related to him. (slowly going back to normal) And oh-ladi plum. (back to normal voice) And they've got Miriam who plays the piano and Miss Artistic..."

"Paul Torrisi: I can sell anything Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you didn't."

"Paul Torrisi: There's a slight pause, and then it's a giggle. [Actor laughs half-heartedly] Not funny enough! Raj Dhonota: Tell him a friggin' joke man! What's the matter with you? Paul Torrisi: Okay. An aardvark walked into a pub, and the barman said, "Why the long face?" Raj Dhonota: I dunno. Paul Torrisi: Well... that's the joke. An aardvark has a long face. Raj Dhonota: Oh."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You should have stuck to Mac Man like shit to a blanket."

"Paul Torrisi: I am a Roman Catholic and God is my witness: I shook her hand outside. Sir Alan Sugar: Yeah? Well, I'm Jewish and I couldn't care less."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (in the first "With regret" firing) Sebastian, you're the one that's worried me the most today. People tend to seem to take the characteristics of their products I think, I personally have always been a very "Bang, bang, get stuff made, that's Amstrad." That's me, good quality products, a bit rough and ready. I see you more as a Cartier and Rolls Royce man to be perfectly frank and it's with regret that I'm going to tell you: You're Fired."

"Paul Torrisi: We never bought the bloody venison; we were over at the bloody printers!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Paul, why shouldn't I fire you?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Ben before firing him) You say in your CV "in my career I win all the time." Well I tell you, this time you haven't won. 'Cause this time, You're Fired!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Viscoelastic foam? What a load of bollocks. What a pile of tat that is there, honestly. A lump of bloody foam for a hundred and fifty-four pounds. I'll tell you what son, you sell any of them, you're a bloody good salesman, that's all I can say. (about James and Saira's airbed choice, which then went on to sell extremely well)"

"(The beginning of the very first interviews and the introduction of the interviewers) Sir Alan Sugar: You may be wondering what we're going to get up to today and you may also be wondering about some of these new faces that you see here. Now what's going to happen here is, is that you lot are going to go through a grueling interview. And at the end of the interview session, they're going to sit down with me and they're going to give me their opinion about whether any of you are worthy of working for me. Nick and Margaret are very well known to you. (the camera focuses on Sir Alan's troubleshooter Claude Littner who stands in the middle.) Now Claude, he's actually been in Denmark for me, he's been in Paris, he actually ran Tottenham Hotspur for quite a while, that's why he's lost a bit of hair. (Claude smiles vaguely. On Claude's right is Bordan Tkachuk) Bordan has been in Australia, he's been in Italy and currently runs our computer organization at Viglen. (The camera focuses finally on Paul Kemsley) Now Paul doesn't actually work for me but he's associated with me, okay? He's a very successful businessman in his own right. And he's here to give me a view from a younger perspective."

"Flashback Bordan Tkachuk: Well, you tell me. It's called The Apprentice. Flashback Paul Torrisi: Yes, we've come here to be apprentices to Sir Alan... Flashback Bordan Tkachuk: Mm-hm? Flashback Paul Torrisi: But by that same token, I think he wants someone with some experience. (back in the boardroom) Bordan Tkachuk: I think he got confused, I don't think he knows he's here to be an apprentice. I think he's here, in fact, to be your troubleshooter. To put all your wrongs and ills to right. Sir Alan Sugar: Trouble maker, maybe."

"Paul Torrisi: Yes, I am Italian. I do have a temper... Margaret Mountford: That's not an excuse for having a temper."

"(The first firing) Sir Alan Sugar: James, you haven't convinced me. I don't think you're a long term player for me to be perfectly honest, that's my... that's my only reason. I think you've been excellent, very professional. I'm letting you go, You're Fired."

"(The second firing) Sir Alan Sugar: Well if we're different then Paul,then maybe you've just answered it for me. Because I can't afford to gamble on you Paul. As experienced as I am, I've got to listen to what other people are saying to me, and there's too many vibes coming through to me that say Paul, I'm gonna have to let you go. You're Fired. (Slight pause) Paul Torrisi: Do you know? Before I came here, I didn't know a single person that had a bad word to say about me and I've taken nothing but criticism in the whole time that I've been here. Why is that? That I don't know anyone with a bad word to say about me, yet here I haven't got a single person to say a good word about me. Apart from the people that I've lived in the house with. Sir Alan Sugar: Why's that a good question? (Paul struggles to answer) Well go away and think about it. Paul Torrisi: Well, I've got nothing better to do now, have I?"

"Paul Kemsley: And what's my body language telling you? Saira Khan: Well, I would say that you're not very convinced by me... Paul Kemsley: No, you're right. I'm not completely convinced."

"This is not a game, this is a 12 week job interview (Sir Alan's opening line at the opening credits of Series 2)"

"Syed Ahmed: I grew up in the East End, and have had to work for everything, no handouts... (whenever he found himself in the firing line)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: I've got your card marked. (to Syed)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Ben, name them. Two people that are coming back into this boardroom with you because one of you is gonna get fired. Ben Stanberry: Well, I'm very disappointed by the lack of loyalty, they didn't stand up to be counted; to be a leader, they put me out there. I took up the challenge... Sir Alan Sugar: I didn't ask you that question, I'm not looking for a lecture. Name the two people you'd think that didn't perform in this task, 'cause one of you is gonna get fired. Ben Stanberry: Samuel and Syed."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Tuan, you're being very quiet and it don't rub off on me just sitting back and letting everyone hang themselves. If anyone's going to be fired amongst you gentlemen today, who would you pick? Tuan Le: (instantly) Ben. Sir Alan Sugar: (somewhat surprised) You would? Tuan Le: Yes."

"Nargis Ara: Did you know that there are six million cat owners in the UK alone? (the opening line to all her pitches)"

"Nargis Ara: Ask me any questions. Virgin Megastores buyer: What sort of retail price are... Nargis Ara: (interrupting) I haven't finished speaking!"

"Mani Sandher: You don't have a clue what we're doing, do you? You don't have a clue what we're doing! Syed Ahmed: Well, why don't you explain it then... Mani Sandher: I can't be bothered to explain it to you, 'cause it'll take all day!"

"Syed Ahmed: (After the Harrods pitch and moving on to the Virgin pitch) We got annihilated! I still don't know what the retail price is! Paul Tulip: I can't believe they were asking us, "What do you think we should put the retail price on?" Eh?! Syed Ahmed: Thirty six hours! Paul Tulip: Thirty six hours you're meant to be doing that sort of thing!"

"Virgin Megastores buyer: (about Invicta's children's calendar) It's got a look of desktop publishing about it. Mani Sandher: Does it? Virgin Megastores buyer: I don't think we'll be able to pay more than £2.70-£2.75 for this. (silence)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: I just don't know whether you're some sort of bloody nutter. (to Jo Cameron)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Do I need another corporate lawyer? The answer is no. Karen, you're fired!"

"Syed Ahmed: We need 100 chickens, we need 30 kilos of minced beef, and we need 45 kilos of gammon. So I'll repeat that again, 45 kilos of gammon, minced beef 30 kilos, chicken: 100 chickens. (on the phone to the wholesaler)"

"Paul Tulip: (In an Italian accent) You mess with me, I carve you up!"

"Nick Hewer: So that's 100 chickens and 100 chicken tikka pizzas, one chicken per pizza? Alexa Tilley: That... that sounds like a lot of chickens."

"Margaret Mountford: Velocity had a float of £2,000. They spent £1,097, and they took £1,423, so they made a profit of £326. Sir Alan Sugar: Right, okay. Nick? Nick Hewer: Well, Invicta were also given a budget of £2,000... they spent it. Sir Alan Sugar: They spent all of it? Nick Hewer: Yep, bar £6. Took only £1,186, which resulted I'm afraid in a thumping loss of £807. Sir Alan Sugar: LOSS! That's a first, chaps! That's a first!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: What a shower. What a bloody shower! (about the losing team)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: I've set you lot a task and now have got to fire someone; quite frankly I'd like to get rid of the bleeding three of you. Tell me why I shouldn't get rid of you, now! Syed Ahmed: Because I'm a winner, Sir Alan, that's why. Sir Alan Sugar: You're not a bloody winner! You lost! Syed Ahmed: I've learnt from my mistakes, and I've learnt from this, definitely, and this well never happen again. Sir Alan Sugar: Business is not about come in, piss my money up the wall, "Oh, never mind, sorry you lost it, now you've learnt your lesson, you won't do it again." Syed Ahmed: I've learnt life the hard way, from a young age. Sir Alan Sugar: I hold you 100% responsible. Syed Ahmed: And I put in 150%. Sir Alan Sugar: I hold you 100% responsible! Syed Ahmed: I stepped up to the mark, and I... Sir Alan Sugar: I'm sorry, Syed, I hold you 100% responsible. But... (to Alexa) I warned you, I warned you severely about this. You have not come to the table today, I still don't understand what you did. He [Syed] should be going with you also... You're a very, very bad manager. You didn't manage this thing properly. You're a lightweight. You're fired! (brief pause) I'm really angry with this situation. Clear off! (Alexa, Syed and Tuan get up and start to leave. Before walking out the door, Syed turns to Sir Alan) Syed Ahmed: Thank you, Sir Alan, thank you for the opportunity. (leaves) Sir Alan Sugar: Cheeky bastard. "Thank you for the opportunity.""

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Mani Sandher) You think you did a good job? Mani Sandher: I did the best job I could. Sir Alan Sugar: (to Invicta) How did we get on here then? How do you like having a lady operating you then? Any good? (brief pause) Don't all rush. Tuan Le: Could be better. Sir Alan Sugar: (to Alexa Tilley) You think you did a good job? Alexa Tilley: I enjoyed it. I think we worked alright together as a team. Sir Alan Sugar: Anything else you've got to say chaps? Paul Tulip: I'd be very surprised if we won."

"The Invicta Chef: (on the argument between Samuel and Tuan) Welcome to the catering world."

"Sir Alan Sugar: It was dictated to you? By who? Syed Ahmed: By the chef. Sir Alan Sugar: What, the chef said 'Buy 100 chickens'? (doubtfully) You sure?"

"Alexa Tilley: I had to take my lead from Tuan and Syed because I don't have restaurant experience. Nick Hewer: Well, you did work in a pizza parlor, you told me. Alexa Tilley: Yes, I sold pizzas at Asda but I don't really have experience of quantities that would go into producing that number of pizzas."

"Paul Tulip: (to the camera) If I get brought back into the boardroom, I'm gonna laugh my head off and just absolutely annihilate Alexa. (In the end Paul wasn't brought back into the final boardroom)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: I did have a preview of that tape before. Nick actually gave it to me and when he gave it to me, I thought he had mixed it up with one of his other videos, because to me it looks like a 1970s porno movie Debbie Does Dallas. (Nick and Ruth exchange amused looks)"

"Ruth Badger: Tell me what you mean by autocratic? Mani Sandher: I haven't got time for this - look it up in the dictionary. Ruth Badger: Okay. Patronising as well."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You seem to have gone from anchor to wanker! (to Mani Sandher)"

"Paul Tulip: How many stripes have you got? Syed Ahemd: I've got loads of stripes! Paul Tulip: No, let's have a look at how many stripes you've got under there 'cause the more you have, the more important you are. Syed Ahmed: (understanding Paul's question) I've got three. Paul Tulip: Oh! It's just that I've got four! (showing Syed his shoulder stripes)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (on reading Jo Cameron's CV) Says here she used to train Financial Directors for MG Rover. No wonder they went bloody skint."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Jo, you've been here too many times. It's a shame, but I thought you had more potential. But Jo, I'm sorry to say, this time, you're fired. Jo Cameron: I thought I expected this, because I accept the fact I've been here four times, but I think that what that demonstrates is that I've got the resilience of a survivor. I'm happy to go out here on the basis of like, being crap, but I don't believe that I am... Sir Alan Sugar: Jo, Jo. There comes a time when everybody - everybody - is saying the same thing, and even me, I will say 'You know what? Give it up Alan, enough's enough.' Jo, you're fired. Jo Cameron: Can I just ask one more time just to give me one last chance? Sir Alan Sugar: I'm afraid not. No I'm afraid not. That's it."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Samuel, can I ask you a direct question? Samuel Judah: Yes of course, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Do you think if you weren't there, it would have made any difference?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Samuel, with your hands in your pockets, not a salesman... (somewhat disdainfully) What did you do? Samuel Judah: I contributed with the idea that... Sir Alan Sugar: I tell you what. Do me a favor. Shut that book at the moment, I want to hear what you can do without your notes alright? Samuel Judah: (reluctantly) Fine. (he obeys) Sir Alan Sugar: Shut the book, put your pen down and talk to me. Stop looking at notes, okay? What did you do?"

"(After Invicta win the task, they are on their treat and have had their meal. But after the meal is a row between Paul and Michelle) Paul Tulip: Well, why did you care? Michelle Dewberry: What? Why can I not say... Narrator, Mark Halliley: Paul is accused of attacking Project Manager, Sharon behind her back. Paul Tulip: Apparently, last night I was "slagging" Sharon's management style, outside. Now that is bullshit! Sharon McAllister: No, but you did say that! Paul Tulip: Right, well... Michelle Dewberry: No, let me... Paul Tulip: Right, well....do you not think that...why is she so bothered about what we're doing? Michelle Dewberry: Wha... Who's she? Would that be me stood here? Paul Tulip: That would be you, yeah. Michelle Dewberry: 'Cause you two were having a conversation and you're acting like I'm not here... Paul Tulip: It's Chinese Whispers! By the time it gets to Sharon, it's completely different! Michelle Dewberry: And that's my fault? Syed Ahmed: Basically... Paul Tulip: It makes it look like we went outside last night and had a chat about Sharon! Sharon and the task wasn't even mentioned! We were talking about other... (In the background, Michelle and Syed also argue) Michelle Dewberry: But you're not listening to me! Paul Tulip: 'Cause you're talking shit! Michelle Dewberry: I don't think so, Paul! I don't think so! Paul Tulip: You are! You're talking absolute shit! Michelle Dewberry: Oh, fuck off! You're not even listening to me, Paul! Paul Tulip: 'Cause you're not making sense! You're not making sense! Michelle Dewberry: I've asked you a question! You don't even let me answer... Paul Tulip: Well, justify yourself then! You just tell me one thing that I've said... Michelle Dewberry: Why do I need to justify myself to you? Paul Tulip: Because you're talking shit! Michelle Dewberry: I don't think so. Paul Tulip: Well, tell me one thing I said about Sharon and I'll back off like I said. Michelle Dewberry: I repeated...right, what I've done in all of this is I said I made a mistake and I apologize to you because I'm repeating something that you told to Sharon which did center around you, and I apologize... Paul Tulip: Right, which you didn't even hear from my mouth! Michelle Dewberry: No! But... Paul Tulip: That's your mistake. You've passed on something to me that you didn't even hear me say... Syed Ahmed: Secondly...Secondly... Paul Tulip: Well that's just...(scoffs)What more can I say?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: I'll promise you this. As sure as I've got a hole in my bloody arse, when it gets down to the Final Two, all these people who are saying nice things will not. (On Michelle and Ruth's friendship)"

"Ruth Badger: (after failing to sell a product) We put our lipstick on for him, and he was minging!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Shut, UP!! (to Syed Ahmed)"

"Sharon McAllister: (To Syed) I think you're an arrogant wanker, but good luck."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Syed..."

"Syed Ahmed: You couldn't close a barn door even if you tripped over it! (to Tuan)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Am I asking you ventriloquist? I'm talking to him!"

"Margaret Mountford: (after Tuan Le is fired) Tuan was just done in. Sir Alan Sugar: Yeah, Tuan was done (laughs)."

"Sir Alan Sugar: I'm struggling with the situation but I've come to a conclusion and my conclusion is this: that Tuan, I'm afraid to say you had your chance. You didn't perform on this particular task so Tuan, you're fired! Tuan Le: Thank you. Sir Alan Sugar: Thank you (Ruth and Tuan leave the boardroom but Syed remains seated) Syed Ahmed: I mean, Sir Alan... Sir Alan Sugar: Bye! (showing Syed the door) Ta-ra."

"Nick Hewer: He's all gong and no dinner (on Syed Ahmed)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: But I'm also sorry to say, Syed, despite some flashes of genius, you're too much of a risk for me. Syed, you're fired."

"Paul Tulip: I'm just a likable person who can get along with anyone"

"Sir Alan: Paul on Paul."

"(The first firing) Paul Tulip: There's plenty of people waiting for me. Sir Alan Sugar: Well, I've got to tell you Paul. You haven't convinced me today right? So Paul I'm letting you go. Paul, you're fired!"

"(The second firing) Sir Alan Sugar: Ansell, you're a very, very fine fellow. But Ansell, regretfully I've got to say to you, You're Fired."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Let's talk about Ansell. Claude Littner: When I saw his CV, I would have put it in the bin. But when I saw the man-I quite liked him."

"Syed Ahmed: Shall we all go in there? Paul Tulip: We might as well wait for Margaret to come out and that's not long anyway. Syed Ahmed: Ah right, I'll be in there anyway. (walks off into a building) Paul Tulip: Cock."

"Ruth Badger: You wouldn't believe that! So I've been into the second-most place in Britain when it comes to insurance and I've just been removed by security."

"This is not a game, this is a 12 week job interview from hell (Sir Alan's opening line at the opening credits of Series 3)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Never underestimate me because you will be making a fatal error. I don't like liars. I don't like cheats. I don't like bullshitters. I don't like schmoozers and I don't like arse-lickers."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Don't start telling me that you're just like me, because no one's like me, I'm unique."

"Andy Jackson: At eleven o'clock it wasn't busy, and at that point I pulled [the van back]. Perhaps I should have pulled it earlier...Nick Hewer: Even if it was busy, they wouldn't have bought your coffee at that price. Nobody seems to grasp this point!Gerri Blackwood: But I did manage to sell eleven cups. Nick Hewer [sarcastically] Oh, well done. Sir Alan Sugar: Eleven?! What do you want, a medal? You should have sold a hundred and eleven! You sold eleven. It's a disgrace!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Tre Azam) Remember I told you last week never to underestimate me? Tre Azam: Yes? Sir Alan Sugar: Do you want to tell your colleagues where you really got the name from? (holds up a piece of paper) Is this the company you work for?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Andy, nice enough fellow as you are, I don't believe that you had this thing under control. I think you could have solved the location problem, I think you could have solved the purchasing problem. Andy, you're fired! Andy Jackson: Sir Alan, can I say anything at this point to change your mind? I will fight my corner I will give 110%... Sir Alan Sugar: I'm sure you would. But you were out of control on the locations, you were out of control on the stock. I'm sorry, Andy, but you are fired."

"Tre Azam: Don't talk to me like I'm a child, don't talk to me like you're my boss, we're all in this together. Rory Laing: I am your boss. Tre Azam: You're not my boss, you're my project manager... Rory Laing: I am your boss! Tre Azam: You're nothing to me."

"Rory Laing: It does fulfil the task of being innovative. A blanket- Sir Alan Sugar: Well it's got some originality. Rory Laing: Yeah Sir Alan Sugar: You've gotta find an original nutter to wear it, first of all."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Ifti, I don't know if you've got a problem or something, but you are not transmitting confidence to me. Ifti Chaudri: Ah, Sir Alan, I do apologise for that. I know it's no excuse, but I was missing my son very badly... [Tre laughs] Sir Alan Sugar: What, you think that's funny, do you? Tre Azam: Not at all, I have a son too. But when you have to get down to work, you have to get down to work, don't you? Ifti Chaudri: I've never been away from my son, and I found it crippling, to be honest with you. Absolutely crippling. Sir Alan Sugar: You can't concentrate on this, is really what you're saying? Ifti Chaudri: It doesn't look like I can. But I'm just being honest with you, Sir Alan, because I'm not going to be going into tasks and not giving 100%. You saw me on the first task, you saw what I'm capable of, but I just found myself in a mental block, and if I can't tell you the truth, what can I do? Sir Alan Sugar: I appreciate it, you're a very good family man. But business is business, as I'm sure you'll agree. And so it's with regret, Ifti, that I'm going to have to say to you, you're fired. [Ifti sighs, gets up and leaves. Sir Alan turns to face Rory and Tre] Sir Alan Sugar: I suppose you think you've got off lightly there? That because Ifti's gone, that's it, you can get back to the house? Well, as I've said once before, never underestimate me, and don't try and second guess what's going on. Because, I'm telling you, as unusual as it is, one of you is still going to get fired."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Rory, you're a disaster. I'm sorry, an absolute, total disaster. I've given you the chance to explain yourself, and you haven't. I was told that you were bankrupt; there's no shame in that, been bankrupt twice. Well, here's the hat-trick... Rory, you're fired!"

"Tre Azam: Stupid titties and fish."

"Tre Azam: They come across like something that belongs in a fetish gallery."

"Sir Alan Sugar: I absolutely admire anybody like you have done...a mother under the circumstances which you were in, done your Open University stuff, got your MBA and this, that and the other. Love it, okay? Me? It don't mean jack shit, quite frankly. I'm not interested in these titles, okay?"

"Kristina Grimes: The French are cheese connoisseurs, and we're going to sell them something from Makro?"

"Lohit Kalburgi: (attempting to sell while speaking French) Hello, we have some specialities of Britishness... are you interesting?"

"Paul Callaghan: So, just to recap, we're trying to sell pork sausages to a Muslim, and offering him a taster in the middle of Ramadan. Other than that, I think it's all going perfectly well!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: That's not very good, is it? (After discovering that Stealth have made a loss of over £200)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Is this a joke?! (during Paul's attempted explanation of his baked bean-tin stove)"

"Katie Hopkins: She's a complete snake in the grass and, frankly, too orange to be taken seriously. (about Kristina Grimes)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: I sent you out on a mission to France, to sell quality British products. I gave you a list of organic farmers, of people who use tender love and care to create something special that they take a pride in. And I wanted you to take that product and say "This is what us British produce, this is not mass-produced tut..." and what you do, is you go and buy a breeze block-load of bloody cheddar cheese!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Paul, I sent you to sell the best of British to France. You spent half the bloody day frying sausages on some stupid contraption that the Boy Scouts could have made, and worse than that, Paul, you went out and lost me money! You're a total shambles. You're fired!"

"(Paul and Adam are sat in a car and Paul is showing how to make a makeshift stove to Adam) Paul Callaghan:(holding a baked bean can) You open that end, you empty out the beans and maybe eat them for your lunch. Adam Hosker: Yeah. (Paul brings out a can of lighter fuel and continues demonstrating) Paul Callaghan: You then open the top of this, make sure you've got a few vent holes in the top and in the bottom which you need to stab through. Open the top of that, set that alight, stick that in there, and put your frying pan on top to cook your sausages. Adam Hosker: Yep, Perfect."

"Katie Hopkins: (after hearing Adam's claim about Nigella Seeds) Absolutely not! Sir Alan Sugar: Katie, Katie. Let the man talk. Katie Hopkins: It'll take a long time though, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Well, it don't matter me. I've got time."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Adam, your luck has run out! You're Fired!"

"Tre Azam: We need a break dancer. Simon Ambrose: I'm a dance man! Tre Azam: Shut up!"

"Katie Hopkins: If you give me the opportunity to win again, I'll win again."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (referencing Stealth's target customer, nicknamed "Jay") Katie, you asked me to think like Jay. While, I'm thinking like Jay, and Jay says your advert sucks. And Ghazal, Jay says you're fired."

"Sir Alan Sugar: If she [Kristina] says "okay" one more time, I'm gonna hit something. Kristina Grimes: (on TV) Okay! Now here we have... (Sir Alan laughs and shakes his head)"

"Simon Ambrose: (while unwittingly appearing to be masturbating) If you're a young child you can do this, if you're an adult you can have fun!"

"(during Simon's trampoline demonstration) Producer: Honestly guys, at this moment in time, we're dying. Tre Azam: Is that really bad? Naomi Lay: Yeah..."

"Sir Alan Sugar: In these past ten weeks, I've been relying upon Nick and Margaret to tell me what you people have been up to. Well, I didn't need to last night, because I saw it myself. And what I saw was the biggest load of tut that I have ever seen in my life."

"Paul Kemsley: You may not be aware of this...*coughs* Alan, but Tre runs a global corporation from his bedroom. Sir Alan Sugar: *in disbelief* He does what? Paul Kemsley: Apparently, he's got 15 offices around the world...some of which may also be bedrooms."

"Raef Bjayou: The spoken word is my tool."

"Jennifer Maguire: As a salesperson, I would rate myself as probably the best in Europe."

"Alex Wotherspoon: I'm only twenty-four!"

"Nicholas de Lacy-Brown: I'm very into art and culture and that sort of thing... I find it very difficult to have conversations about football, for example. (to Sir Alan, a noted Tottenham Hotspur fan)"

"Raef Bjayou: I get on with Prince or Pauper! Sir Alan Sugar: And you're the prince, are you?"

"Alex Wotherspoon: I am NOT over-sensitive!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: You were devastated when you got a B in your GCSE French. You're going to be even more devastated now, because you've got a big F. You're fired! (to Nicholas)"

"Simon Smith: (in Sir Alan's voice) "And at the end of this task, one of you will be fired!""

"Sara Dhada: To me, business is simple. It's about making money, making money and making more money."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (seeing Raef quiet as Alex and Nicholas argue) Well Raef, either talk up you know or... Raef Bjayou: I'm just finding this conversation just, you know, just incredibly boring. We're now going into psycho-babble now. Sir Alan Sugar: I'm sorry if I'm boring you."

"Raef Bjayou: (through an intercom selling fish door-to-door) My name's Raef, I represent Renaissance Ltd. a purveyor of fine fish!"

"Ian Stringer: (to Nicholas who is an artist and a barrister) You know what my mum says? If you can piss you can paint."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Raef) What is all this stuff about "faced death many times."? Where have we faced death many times? In a hairdressing shop?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Business starts now! (He throws two sets of car keys at the candidates. One in Simon's direction and the other in Claire's)"

"Alex Wotherspoon: Simon, Ian and Lee did a fantastic job at actually knocking out the product- Michael Sophocles: Sorry, I find it absolutely insulting that you don't include me in the group of people who sold- Alex Wotherspoon:I acknowledge... Michael Sophocles:their absolute heart out. Alex Wotherspoon: Michael, you did a fantastic job... Michael Sophocles: I mean it's just... Alex Wotherspoon:I'm not insulting you at all. I've only met you all today, what do you mean "friends"? We've not formed any relationships. Michael Sophocles: I don't know. You just don't seem very interested."

"Lee McQueen: That's what I'm talking about! (repeated throughout the series)"

"Jenny Celerier: All day it's been like I've had to breastfeed the pair of you. (to Lucinda and Shazia, with a puzzled look from Sir Alan)"

"Simon Smith: (During Team Renaissance's victory) What-ho, bloke? Top tea."

"Jenny Celerier: (to Lucinda) Can you be quiet, please? (slower) Can, You, Be, Quiet, Please?"

"Raef Bjayou: Let's absolutely, kick...arse. (before setting of to do the task.)"

"Simon Smith: (on Raef) Laurence of Araefia. The strange, posh enigma!"

"Michael Sophocles: (on the phone) It's Michael. Simon Smith: Sorry, I can't here you. We're in the laundry. Michael Sophocles: Yeah, I thought you might be!"

"(Moments before Shazia's firing) Sir Alan Sugar:Shazia... Shazia Wahab: Please..."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Alpha) How was the team leader? Lindi Mngaza: Good. Sir Alan Sugar: Everybody happy with the team leader? (slight pause) Claire Young: We had our ups and downs but overall it was good. Sir Alan Sugar: Ups and downs? (another brief pause) You think your team worked well for you? Jenny Celerier: I didn't feel like I had a hundred percent commitment from some of my team. Sir Alan Sugar:Anybody in particular? Jenny Celerier: Yes, certainly Sir Alan. Lucinda, most definitely I felt I had an enormous amount of issues with her throught the course of my task. Margaret Mountford: One of your clients is still looking for some of his clothing I think. Jenny Celerier: Yes, we had an issue with some lost articles when we returned the items to the... Sir Alan Sugar: Lost, some stuff? Jenny Clerier: Yes, we did Sir Alan. Two shirts. Sir Alan Sugar: You lost the fellow's shirts? Jenny Celerier: Yes. Sir Alan Sugar: I bet he was very upset, was he not? Claire Young: I don't think he'd want us to do his washing again. (slight pause) Sir Alan Sugar: No. I tell you what, I'm going to Margaret to deduct £50 off whatever you brought back to compensate this fellow. (turning to Renaissance) Gentlemen. Do you think you've taken the ladies to the cleaners? Much of Renaissance: Yes we do. Sir Alan Sugar: Who's your team leader? (Raef puts his hand up and everyone shows him to Sir Alan) Many of Renaissance: Raef. Sir Alan Sugar: Good team leader? (much more enthusiastic response from Renaissance) Sir Alan Sugar: (clearly surprised about the much more enthusiastic response to Raef than Jenny) Woah! Woah!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: Will you please stop using my name in vain?"

"Jenny Celerier: I have to say Lucinda, I am absolutely, thoroughly disappointed about your behavior tonight. I just want to highlight that point with you- Lucinda Ledgerwood: Give me some examples. Jenny Celerier: This evening I've watched you, you...we've got two minutes to get the bloody napkins out to the van. You're supposed to be unloading them from the tumble dryer and you're taking one out and folding it upon the side! You're taking one out...when I have team members who are doing such ludicrous, stupid things it means that I'm having to concentrate and direct a disproportional amount of my time on managing you and making sure that you're not doing absolutely stupid things. Lucinda Ledgerwood: You sat there... Jenny Celerier: Number two...Number two... (Lucinda tries to retaliate but Jenny has none of it) I haven't finished. Lucinda Ledgerwood: Please let me retaliate... Jenny Celerier: I have not finished. I am the project manager and I haven't finished. Lucinda Ledgerwood: Please let me retaliate on the point- Jenny Celerier: I have not finished. You can give your feedback to me when I've finished. Okay? Do you understand? (Lucinda tries to retaliate again but Jenny, again, is not having any of it.) Lucinda Ledgerwood: Not okay. Jenny Celerier: When we had what was probably a hundred napkins in that tumble dryer you didn't take one napkin out, put it on the side and fold it up. That's not fact. Lucinda Ledgerwod:Please can you not shout at me for a start? Jenny Celerier: That's not fact. Lucinda Ledgerwood: What I consider is having a sleep and we can discuss this in the morning. Jenny Celerier: No. The fact that you're not answering it leads me to... Lucinda Ledgerwood: It's not! Jenny Celerier: believe that you are not actually capable of acknowledging where you have gone wrong. That doesn't help the team dynamics at all! That is like a fungus that starts eating away at the positivity of the team! Lucinda Ledgerwood: The reason why I started to... Jenny Celerier: It's absolutely stupid. (By this point Jenny has reduced Lucinda to tears. At this point, Sara tries to defend Lucinda) Sara Dhada: You just go on and on about one thing. You don't know what's going on. You take one side of the story and then you just attack. (Jenny looks on as if nothing happened) (back at the house the rest of Alpha wait for Jenny, Lucinda, Sara and Helene. Lucinda enters the house in tears having been berated by Jenny) Claire Young: (paying scant regard and pretty sarcastically) Oh my god (!) Lucinda's crying (!) (Jennifer on the other hand pays even less regard) Jennifer Maguire: For fuck's sake!"

"Ian Stringer: There are two types of people in the world; Winners and... I don't know how to say the word, I can't say it, and I won't say it. (at the start of the episode; Ian lost as team leader that week, and was fired)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: How was Ian as a team leader? (long pause) Ian Stringer: Don't all speak at once, guys."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Ian, you lost. A word that's not in your vocabulary, I understand."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You haven't got a bloody clue, not a bloody clue! (to Renaissance)"

"Kevin Shaw: We can! We've got to prepare the food! Tell them to do it! Ian Stringer: Kevin, we've got to go! Kevin Shaw: Right, if we don't have the food ready, it's your fault. Ian Stringer: Fine! Kevin Shaw: Right, fine."

"Ian Stringer: Can you get us black bags? Lee McQueen: Black bags?! Why have I got to go and buy black bags?! Fucking tin openers! You havin' a laugh or what?"

"Michael Sophocles: (singing) And more, much more than this. I did it my way!"

"Kevin Shaw: I've never seen, so much delegation in my life! "Any chance you can wipe my bum, 'cause I just don't know how to do it." That's what it was like! You know, he didn't do nothing!"

"Lee McQueen: (on the phone to Ian and Kevin) I'm concerned. Lee McQueen is concerned."

"Jenny Celerier: (to Lucinda after she accuses Jennifer of being vindictive and making personal attacks on her) You have made yourself in a position of victim and portray other people in a very bad light to actually elevate your position. And I don't believe that what you're saying is a) correct, b) accurate and I think that you are a highly manipulative young lady."

"Simon Smith: Yeah, I need more cheese. I'm alright on on mushrooms, tomatoes. I need ham, I need palma ham, I need tuna. I need...I need fucking everything!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: I am technically useless."

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: How dare you! (to Helene)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Simon, if I asked you to build me a wall, you'd build me a wall, I'm pretty sure of that. If I asked you to dig me a trench, you'd dig me a trench. But I'm not sure that if I asked you to run my investment portfolio, you'd be able to do that very well. I'm sorry my friend, I think you're a little bit out of your depth here. And with regret, you're fired. *Simon Smith: Thank you for a wonderful opportunity. Sir Alan Sugar: (Quietly) Okay. (Simon turns to face Sir Alan once more) Simon Smith: Thank you Sir Alan. Goodbye."

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: As I have said, I will be out there, take the CDs and the pictures and burn them, and take them back out! Helene Speight: Fantastic!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Lucinda, you are a risk manager. What is the risk of you being fired here today? Lucinda Ledgerwood: The probability is one in three! Sir Alan Sugar:...What a brainstorm that was."

"Raef Bjayou: (on the phone) My name's Raef. I'm C.E.O of Alpha Luxury Ice Creams."

"Lee McQueen: You know what I smelt then? Perfection!"

"Clinton Cards Representative: Do you think that's actually going to make someone smile? (Reads from card) "A bath uses 120 litres of water, whereas a shower only uses 30. Being more efficient in the way you wash will stop your money going down the drain. Bathe less, shower more." Kevin Shaw: If you don't put your weight behind it, then it's just the same as the US saying, "We don't care about pollution." (Stunned looks from the Clinton Cards Representatives)"

"Nick Hewer: No apostrophe in the history of the English language has ever been argued over so fiercely."

"(Renaissance have sold 6,000 cards so far; Alpha 3,000. One supplier left to go...) Margaret Mountford: Celebrations didn't buy any from Renaissance. Sir Alan Sugar: Right. And Celebrations for Alpha? Nick Hewer: They were keener. They bought 19,500. (very enthusiastic response from most of Alpha except, at first, for Helene. Then two seconds later she smiles) Michael Sophocles: (punches table) COME ON! COME ON! Lee McQueen: That's what I'm talking about! (long pause and shocked look from Margaret) Sir Alan Sugar: This is not a football match. This outburst of yours is...not something I would condone in this boardroom. Michael Sophocles: I apologise, Sir Alan."

"Sir Alan Sugar: I can tell you Kevin that Clinton Cards, for example, reported that your pitch was dreadful. They found you a bit cocky, they found you preaching to them. Not selling them cards, preaching to them! There was a smell of arrogance about you, they felt. Did anyone else put themselves forward? (Claire and Jenny raise their hands) You two did? Margaret Mountford: Can I just say that perhaps it was a good thing that Jenny didn't do it? She actually told Clintons that because of environmental concerns she wasn't buying so many cards any more. Sir Alan Sugar: Is that right? Jenny Celerier: (proudly) Yes, I did, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: How can you make a statement on one hand that "I don't buy so many cards any more," and then come up with the concept, that this is what we should do?! Jenny Celerier: I really do passionately believe that this is still a viable concept, and that pitched correctly it could... Sir Alan Sugar: Oh, I'll tell you what, it's beyond my comprehension, this is."

"Sir Alan Sugar: This whole task turned out a fiasco, and as team leader I hold you totally responsible. Kevin, you're fired!"

"Raef Bjayou: (rehearsing his pitch at night) Through our cards we put forward to you (clears throat) the notion of the Singles' day, we have created not only a product for you but a diary entry! Michael Sophocles: (clearly tired of hearing Raef's pitch) That was absolutely amazing. Now can you just please shut the fuck up?"

"Claire Young: Look, a snake! Ugh! I hate snakes. If Sir Alan, for a Million Pound, came up to me and said "Claire, kiss that snake.", I'd say. "I'm sorry. I'd rather kiss you!""

"(In the boardroom after the kosher chicken incident) Sir Alan Sugar: It's an insult to the Muslim religion, let alone the Jewish religion. On your CV, what did you say on there? You're a good Jewish boy. Michael Sophocles: I'm not, I'm only half Jewish, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you either are or you aren't, yeah? Michael Sophocles: I'm a nice Jewish boy. Sir Alan Sugar: OK, because if you're unsure, you can always pull your trousers and we can check."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Is it right that you went to a Muslim halal butcher and asked him to give you a kosher chicken, and he actually made a prayer over it, is that right? Michael Sophocles: That's correct, Sir Alan. Margaret Mountford: And he slaughtered it for you? Michael Sophocles: That's correct. Sir Alan Sugar: Are you having a laugh or what? I don't know why you didn't go the whole hog, and find a Roman Catholic priest to take the butcher's confession. You're here because you're supposed to be intelligent people, it's unbelievable! Aren't you embarrassed, Michael? Michael Sophocles: I am embarrassed, yes, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Do you know what the word L'Chaim means? Michael Sophocles: I know what the word schmuck means. Sir Alan Sugar: (repeating the question) No, but do you know what the word L'Chaim means? Michael Sophocles: No. Sir Alan Sugar: (shocked) You don't?!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: You know what? I think this team was totally out of control. It's the people who made the mistakes in buying the products that I can point at, or I can point at the team leader. Be under no illusion, there's no rule, no written rule, that I just have to get rid of one person. There's three terrible mistakes here. I don't give a shit! I'll fire three of you if I have to, I'll fire the whole bloody five of you! Don't bother me at all! It's up to you, you open your bloody mouth, or I'll just make some quick decisions."

"(Sir Alan, Margaret and Nick continue the discussion alone...) Nick Hewer: How can he not know what a kosher chicken is? He did classics at Edinburgh, he's a bright enough boy, how could he make such a mess of things?. Margaret Mountford: Well, I think Edinburgh's not what it used to be."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You know what, it seems that you hang on every word that I say and turn it on your colleagues. No good, no good. Sorry, same old story. Jenny, you're fired. Goodbye! (Jenny gets up and leaves) Right, who's next?"

"Lee McQueen: (on the phone to Raef) Just to let you know, we fucking just nailed the blue cactus as well.(laughs) Come on. Raef Bjayou: (to a seller after he hangs up the phone) Sorry about the bad language you heard there."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Jenny, you are a woman of the world. Slightly older than the rest of the people here. (Jenny smiles as he says this) Jenny Celerier: It's my birthday today Sir Alan. I'm thirty-six today. Sir Alan Sugar: (paying somewhat scant regard) Congratulations. At 36 are you telling me you've never heard of the term "analogy kosher" and you don't know that's associated with Jewish people? Jenny Celerier: (nodding and shaking her head at the same time) No, Sir Alan."

"Raef Bjayou: I think that we need to remember that those in a size 16-32 dress, are size 16-32 for a reason: they love cake."

"Michael Sophocles: They're just dumb-dumbs. (after failing to sell a cake to some brides-to-be)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: The fundamental flaw here is that the selling approach was wrong, in the sense that you're not selling double glazing. Michael Sophocles: I didn't sell it like a hard-sell double glazing. Nick Hewer: Really? Sara Dhada: We tried our absolute best to sell those cakes, it was really difficult. The first questions, we were asking, "Are you getting married, who are you getting married to? Really interested in their wedding. It is new, it's all edible..." [Sir Alan winces; Nick and Margaret look at Sara disapprovingly] Sara Dhada: "...You can do this to it, you can do that to it, you can have different colours put in it, it'll be like a wow factor at your wedding." We explained all these points, and it was so difficult to... Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, I'll tell you what. If I had been one of the recipients of your sales pitch, if it's anything like what you're doing now, I would have gotten hold of your head and pushed it in the bloody cake!"

"(in order to generate sales for Alpha, Raef tries on the bear costume slipping on the bear's head) Raef Bjayou: (laughing for a second) I'm going to suffocate in this thing!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: Stop it! Not on! Naughty, Naughty, Naughty!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: I don't like the boxing, I don't like the colors, and I don't like the pictures on it and to me that is... Lee McQueen: So, is it underlying factor then that you shouldn't have volunteered to go and look at the fucking... Lucinda Ledgerwood: I didn't FUCKING volunteer!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Renaissance) I didn’t send you out to do a remake of Ben-Hur!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Renaissance) You made one, not one, The biggest error. The biggest error going: I don't know what your bloody advert's about! I do not know what it's about! It doesn't mention the word "tissues" once in the voice-over, you've got this little box of tissues down the bottom that... and a little strap-line down the bottom and it would not sell any tissues. It might make me or my grandmother or my auntie smile and look at the little kid crying and think "Ahhhh" like that but it ain't gonna make me look for those on the shelf! You lost! I'm sorry, you lost and it's not my opinion. This is the opinion of the three professionals I consulted today, and I am so frustrated because you did 90-5% of the work! A much better cinema-graphic, representation than these people. Much, much better but I'm sorry, you lost! (To Alpha) You won because your horrible advert, your horrible box threw it in the people's face, the actor there was talking about tissues three times, he brought out the anti-bacterial thing which is one of the points that I wanted to mention. You had the box in big shot, in the picture, on the mum's lap, you had it again somewhere else and at the end pack shot you had it there. (tapping Alpha's box) That's the thing I'm gonna remember. You won, so well done."

"Claire Young: How do you think Michael is? Helene Speight: Shit. Claire Young: I think he's shit as well."

"Michael Sophocles: Sir Alan, I think I'm an absolutely fantastic salesman... Sir Alan Sugar: But you didn't bloody sell did you?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Helene your posture, not being disrespectful or rude, you remind me of the portrait of the Mona Lisa in which there's this one sole expression with you all the time."

"Claude Littner: I'll talk about Lucinda if I may, Alan. She's a very intelligent, bright individual. No doubt highly skilled at what she does and I would think she'd be a disaster for you. Paul Kemsley: I'll tell you a good point. If you're building a nice office for yourself and you want it lit beautifully with candles - nice smelling candles, good aroma therapy in the air, nice calm, perfect... Karren Brady: Paul! That is unfair."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Lucinda, I'm afraid to say you're a little bit too zany for me, a little bit too unconventional for me. And so, Lucinda, with regret, you're fired!"

"Claude Littner: What are the things you're going to offer Sir Alan? Alex Wotherspoon: Like you say, I am 24 years old so... Claude Littner: Can you not just answer a question?! I'm finding it very.. I mean, it's just how many times do I have to ask the same question before you actually give me an answer!"

"Claude Littner: (on Lee's CV which is riddled with spelling mistakes) Did they ever teach you spelling?"

"Bordan Tkachuk: You were doing a degree, were you? Lee McQueen: No, unfortunately for me my exam results etc were never good enough to do a degree. When I was a trainee catering manager, they put me through to do a professional qualification in catering. I was there for two years, I was actually doing my HCIMA for that period of time. Bordan Tkachuk: Are you sure it was two years? Lee McQueen: As far as I am aware, it was two years, yes. Bordan Tkachuk: Really? The university has actually dropped me a line here confirming that you were only there for four months. Lee McQueen: Really? Oh, Okay well then, it was four months then. Bordan Tkachuk: Was it two years or four months? Do you want to see or do you know? Lee McQueen: No, no, if that's what you are saying. Bordan Tkachuk: No, I am asking you. I have asked you twice, it's your CV. It says Thames University 1996 to 1998. Lee McQueen: Then I have, um, put something incorrect on my CV. Bordan Tkachuk: Was it just one thing? Lee McQueen: Well, I have made a mistake already haven't I, so it's difficult for me to be completely confident. Bordan Tkachuk: What worries me is that you have got someone here who is prepared to bullshit their way through. Lee McQueen: I am not prepared to bullshit my way through. Bordan Tkachuk: Well you did on that. Lee McQueen: I am not prepared to bullshit my way through. Bordan Tkachuk: But you did on that and that worries me a little bit about you because I am looking at this and saying what else is there about you? Lee McQueen: My integrity is out the window. All I would say to you is that I am not proud my educational background, Bordan, and I have put something down there to make my educational background seem a little bit better than what it is and that's a blip on my integrity and I can't erase that. All I can say is that I am disappointed in myself for doing that."

"Claire Young: (as Lucinda is in an interview with Claude Littner) Lucinda's been up there ages. Oh, I'd love to be her in there. (in Lucinda's voice) Erm, erm, excuse me. Erm, erm (normal voice) And he'd just be like "Shut it! Shut up now!""

"Paul Kemsley: I didn't find anything interesting in your CV. Alex Wotherspoon: Obviously taking into account my age, that's why my CV isn't as extensive as... Paul Kemsley: I was running my own business at twenty-two."

"Karren Brady: Do you have that all-round business experience? Alex Wotherspoon: I've got as much experience as I could have at my age at twenty-four. Karren Brady: Alex, I was twenty-three when I was running Birmingham City Football Club. You're a year older."

"Paul Kemsley: I want to see this silly impression of a dinosaur that you do. Lee McQueen: Of a reverse pterodactyl? Paul Kemsley: I've got to see it. Lee McQueen: Do you want to see it? Paul Kemsley: Absolutely. Lee McQueen: Unbelievable. Paul Kemsley: Go on. Lee McQueen: Okay-(he performs his reverse pterodactyl impression and then sits back down) Impressive? Paul Kemsley: I don't think Sir Alan would be too impressed. I didn't find it funny but he definitely wouldn't. Lee McQueen: No, and I wouldn't do a reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan- Paul Kemsley: Why don't you just say "No" then? This is a serious interview. It's a serious job."

"Bordan Tkachuk: (having listened to Claire for a long time) Okay, just hang on one second. Let me ask a question and give you time to breathe."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Claire after he fires Lucinda and has listened to her reason as to why she should stay) I'm gonna let you stay. (to the other candidates) In fact, I'm gonna let you all stay. (sighs of relief from Helene and Lee) And the reason for that, is because you're all very, very good candidates I think. You've all got something in you. And so, all four of you are in the final."

"Sir Alan Sugar: This is job interview from hell. First prize, you get to work for me. Second prize, don't exist."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You think you can play and second guess me? Well let me tell you - I am as hard to play as a Stradivarius. And you lot, I can tell you, are as easy to play as bongo drums!"

"Paula Jones: I wonder if we could clean people?"

"Anita Shah: Well done, girls! We're in budget. (after spending all but £2.30 of their £200 budget)"

"Margaret Mountford: Never before in the history of carwashing have so few cars been cleaned by so many people in such a long time."

"Mona Lewis: (holding a feather duster) What's this? Yasmina Siadatan: It's a duster"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (after Empire win the task) You look surprised. Howard Ebison: Relieved."

"Ben Clarke: I've got a scholarship to Sandhurst. Philip Taylor: Have you? Ben Clarke: Yeah. James McQuillan: (under his breath) Bloody hell. (Philip looks unconvinced) Philip Taylor: Did you go? Ben Clarke: No."

"Paula Jones: I don't think the food is up to scratch. It looks like it's come from a funeral at a working man's club."

"James McQuillan: I think he's going to take me into the boardroom and do you know what, I feel bloody hurt. It just shows the gratitude. I honesty feel like I did when my cat died. It's like a hurt inside."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to James when questioning him on his CV) When you wake up in the morning you can taste success in your spit" is that right? ... What did you have, a curry last night?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to James) Who do you think should get fired? James McQuillan: Out of the three of us? I think you should fire the pair of them."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Rocky, you make sandwiches for a living, you've got these 15 shops, you employ 150 people... To come in with a loss is, inconceivable as far as I'm concerned. Rocky Andrews: I'm embarrassed and very disappointed- Sir Alan Sugar: Embarrassed?"

"Ben Clarke: I’m quite happy to go along the “sex sells” route with this one."

"Ben Clarke: I am the best looking."

"Ben Clarke: I would say Kim, clinically speaking would be considered obese. And James isn't obese, but you can tell he's not exactly fit. He could do with going for a few runs."

"Ben Clarke: (about James) He wasn't exactly Winston Churchill."

"Debra Barr: (back in the penthouse) I'm not really bothered whether you're successful or fail. Your failure's my success... not to be nasty."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Maj, general feeling among my two colleagues here is that you just hand around on the periphery. You don't actually do anything."

"Paula Jones: (unaware that she’s spent over £700 on luxury oils and fragrances) The cost of fragrance is naff all."

"Philip Taylor: I enjoy the odd cosmetic and from past experience with former girlfriends I've got a fair grasp of the market."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Paula’s excuse that she's no good with numbers) You know how to work out redundancy on a calculator, don't you?"

"Ben Clarke: I've got a scholarship to Sandhurst."

"Noorul Choudhury:Right, okay! Um... (Long pause) Howard Ebison: What are our options? (even longer pause) Margaret Mountford: (on Noorul's awful leadership) I think if it was left to Noorul, they wouldn't have done anything."

"Philip Taylor: Noorul's put me with Kimberly who's meant to be some marketing guru in her own little head, but she's dumb as a doorknob."

"Kate Walsh: (aimed at Ben) No “sex sells” ideas. That's why I'm project manager for this task, there's no red bikinis coming out"

"Philip Taylor: (after performing his Pantsman jingle in a London studio) One take, that's all I do, one take."

"Dru Masters: (after Philip’s performance) He's certainly got some confidence... He may think he's Bono."

"Mona Lewis: (to a confused audience of creative advertising executive) The slogan we've come up with is “Put your pants on the right way.” Not like a superhero, 'cos he's the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically when you eat our cereal you won't dress up like pants man 'cos you're not pants man, only pants man gets away with his pants over his clothes..."

"James McQuillan: I feel like a monkey learning to use tools."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (Commenting on Ben's Pirate Voice) I thought I heard a hoarse Ian Paisley there."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (questioning the bright green box design) It wouldn’t have looked out of place in the fertilisers section or the cat food."

"Nick Hewer: (Referring to ignite's "Pantsman" idea in the boardroom) They took logic and tortured it until it screamed."

"Yasmina Siadatan: (normal voice) She's like, (in Kimberly's voice) "Today's my day! It's the day I've been waiting for! I'm gonna step up! You're gonna see my fight today!""

"Ben Clarke: (in the voice of Sir Alan) Ben! (Yasmina and Kate start laughing) I can't decide whether you alienate yourself, or your just no bleedin' good! Kate Walsh: Did he actually say that? Ben Clarke: (normal voice) Yeah. (normal voice) Sir Alan, Sir Alan, I'm going to show you, I'm going to... (In Sir Alan's voice) I've heard enough! You've nearly talked yourself out the bleedin' door! Just shut up! (Kate and Yasmina carry on laughing) Kate Walsh: I've never known anyone go into the boardroom, like very unlikely to get fired, and then ruin it so much for themselves. Ben Clarke: (normal voice) Talk it. Yasmina Siadatan: Just by talking. Ben Clarke: Talk themselves into trouble. Yasmina Siadatan: Trying to create the opposite effect. Ben Clarke: Story of my life. Talk myself into trouble. (All start laughing) Ben Clarke: (In Sir Alan's voice on what he thinks the task will be) The British film industry brings in, a billion quid a year. And from that billion quid, half that revenue is used for purchasing bog roll for the box. You're gonna go today and make some bog roll. Happy bog-rolling! Off you go, with your dossier!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Philip) With all this bravado that you've got, when you soar like an eagle you know, you attract a hunter. And at the moment I feel like I've got a 12-bore shotgun in my hand, do you understand? Because you're coming across a little bit laid back and cocky to me so you tell me why I shouldn't fire you. Phillip Taylor: Right, bottom line is I'm just a bloke from Durham who sells house with a big head. And what I'm saying is that none of these two can win this competition. They can't win it! I can win this! Sir Alan Sugar: Who should get fired then? Phillip Taylor: (to Kimberly despite his animosity with Lorraine) You know what? I think we've settled our differences with Lorraine, but I think you're that naive you've brought me back here I'm frankly disgusted. I think you should go."

"Ben Clarke: I'm a natural born leader. Sandhurst clearly saw that in me."

"Noorul Choudhury: (at the end of his taxi interview) You haven't seen the last of me. You may have seen the last of Pants Man, but you certainly haven't seen the last of Noorul Choudhury."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You valued the skeleton, right? Noorul Choudhury: Right. Sir Alan Sugar: I'll tell you what, the bleeding skeleton could have done a better job than the lot of you! You got it valued at the right price, why did you sell it at that ridiculous price? Nick Hewer: It probably wasn't going at all until Ben stepped in and closed the deal. Noorul Choudhury: I disagree with the fact that you say that Ben closed the deal... Nick Hewer: I'm sure of it. Noorul Choudhury: I was in conversation with the guy the whole time... Sir Alan Sugar: Ben, who closed the deal, you or him? Ben Clarke: I just said, "will you take sixty quid," I just stepped in to get the job done. Noorul Choudhury: The money did exchange in my hands. Nick Hewer: (rolls eyes) Well, maybe it did. But he closed the deal. Sir Alan Sugar: What, was you the cashier?"

"Debra Barr: (snaps at a startled Nick Hewer) How can you say that Nick? How can you say that?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Debra) You find another way of addressing yourself, right? And stop talking to him like he’s a second class citizen."

"Ben Clarke: I think I'm going to bring back Noorul, and I think I'm also going to bring back... James. Sir Alan Sugar: James? James McQuillan: What?! [to Sir Alan] Ooh, sorry. Ben Clarke: I don't know what exactly he contributed. But then again, I'm torn between James and Debra. Debra Barr: Bring me in, mate! I'm well up for it. Take me in, and we can sit here and explain about this task. Sir Alan Sugar: What have you picked on him [James] for? Ben Clarke: I'm going to bring back Noorul and Debra. I was struggling to identify what exactly James had done... Sir Alan Sugar: I hope you're bringing in people for the right reasons. I hope you're not thinking about James, that there might be a village missing an idiot somewhere."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (after his latest firing) I've got this feeling about Noorul. All I can say is, whoever employs him, better get a receipt."

"Margaret Mountford: This has to be one of the most, stupid activities they have yet engaged in!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: I don't know what you're smiling for. A loss is a loss."

"Noorul Choudhury: You've seen that Ben is very volatile, the fact he doesn't let anyone speak. He comes across as rude, he comes across as arrogant... Sir Alan Sugar: I know. I've noticed he speaks down to so many people I'm getting a rick in my neck looking up. Noorul Choudhury: My vocal cords aren't as loud as Ben but I will know when to shut up but I also know when to defend myself. I think you also need to know is, ever since Ben, we've been into the penthouse all you've done is talk about "Ooh I wonder how many magazine deals I can do." Ben Clarke: Absolutely not! I certainly haven't! Noorul Choudhury: Oh, you have! Oh, you have! Oh, you have! !Ben Clarke: That is a very unfair thing to bring up. Those are the signs of a desperate man! Noorul Choudhury: Desperate? Ben, I'm being factual. Sir Alan Sugar: I don't want to hear from anybody else now. But Ben, I'm worried you're a broken man.(Ben tries to speak up) I said I don't want to hear anything. Noorul, with all due respect I think you've been a bit lucky sometimes and some of your colleagues have in fact been outraged by the fact that you weren't brought into the boardroom on many occasions when they were. Debra, I cannot put up with someone with a mouth like yours. I certainly don't like the way I've been told you speak to people, as if you're something special. Because, trust me, you're nothing special. But Noorul, I don't know what you've been doing here and I think you have escaped the radar. You're Fired! Noorul Choudhury: (as he gets up to leave) Thanks for the opportunity."

"James McQuillan: I did have a bit of bad luck in that everyone I rang up weren't interested or wasn't in. It just seems that if I started a funeral parlour, people would stop dying. That's the sort of bad luck I had today."

"Lorraine Tighe: I'm a little bit of a slow burner in terms of my thought process. I don't necessary get the idea immediately, but it will come..."

"Nick Hewer: Frankly returning to London with no sales is a bit like the three of them popping into that cat plane and taking off to join the Battle of Britain. They ain't got a chance."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, don't get impatient with me, Philip. Philip Taylor: I'm not, Sir Alan, it's just that I can't seem to do anything right. I criticise Lorraine, and I get it in the neck. I win as project manager, and I get it in the neck. I can't do anything right! I think I've been one of the outstanding candidates in the past few weeks, and I've had-- Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, look! You know the Body Rocker thing? I dunno if this bleeding thing's gone to your head or what. Okay, you done well there, yeah. Okay. But that's it! One swallow don't make a summer, you understand? Since then, you ain't done that great, in my mind. Philip Taylor: Well, I sold three items last week, Sir Alan! Nick Hewer: Tell us about Pantsman. (long silence)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Philip, I think I'm clearing my mind that your bravado and attitude ain't gonna fit in my organization. So Philip, You're Fired! (Philip shakes his head as he gets up to leave) Philip Taylor (under his breath): Joke!"

"(Towards the end of the task, Ignite's sub-team of Phillip, Kate and Ben still have not sold anything. And the phone rings) Philip Taylor: Oh no! No! Don't answer! Don't answer Ben! Please! Ben Clarke: (initially hesitant) Let her wait? Kate Walsh: (laughing) No, pick it up. (Ben answers the phone) Lorraine Tighe: (over the phone) Hi, how did you get on guys? Ben Clarke: Erm Lorraine, I've got bad news for you. Lorraine Tighe: What? Ben Clarke: We still didn't sell anything. Lorraine Tighe: Oh, no!"

"Mona Lewis: (meeting a pre-op in a gay bar) You're a boy and you're going to be a girl?"

"James McQuillan: (directing the ‘gay’ actors for the Margate rebranding) Not so much of the suggestive licking either…we’re not shooting a porno."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (after Debra, James and Mona's arguments) You're putting on a great Punch and Judy show here."

"James McQuillan: (on how he would have liked to have got through his wife's labour) 'I would have given anything to have had a Playstation with me to kill a bit of time..."

"James McQuillan: (on the benefits of a home birth pool) The lid's open so the baby can jump out."

"James McQuillan: (on breast-feeding) The mother needs to be happy because if she's a bit anxious there's something in nature that switches off the tap in her breast."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Ben just before firing him) Stop going on about bloody Sandhurst, so what? I was in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division, trainee bugler, but that didn't help me sell computers when I got older!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: We had the Sandhurst group here before - and one of them couldn't cook sausages on a baked bean can! (a reference to Paul Callaghan from series 3)."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Ben)I think the light at the end of the tunnel...(Ben shakes his head trying to convince Sir Alan not to fire him) has gone out. And I think Ben, it's time for you to leave this process. You're Fired! Ben Clarke: Thank you very much for a wonderful opportunity Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Okay? Off you go. (Ben leaves the boardroom and goes to wait for his taxi. As he sits down he hits the chair)"

"Claude Littner: I've read through your CV and it's fair to say that it's exceptional. Exceptionally bad, that is."

"Claude Littner: When asked 'What do you do for living?' your answer is 'In a nutshell, I put a leash on people who spunk money up the wall'. Now do you really think that Sir Alan, as a serious businessman and entrepreneur, is going to want to hear that kind of language to a serious question? (In the same clip posted on the BBC website, the word "spunk" is not heard)"

"Claude Littner: If you don't know your own turnover, that's a pretty sad incitment, isn't it, of your business?"

"James McQuillan: (after thanking Sir Alan he gets up and leaves the boardroom but before leaving he faces Sir Alan and the remaining candidates one last time) It's been brilliant! (The remaining candidates begin to have tears in their eyes as he leaves)"

"Lorraine Tighe: I think what I wanted to do was probably "May 08 to present"- but in my own mind, and this is why I'm here, is that I suppose I haven't fully succeeded in the way that I think I'm capable of and what I can do really."

"(After his interviews with Claude Littner and new interviewer Alan Watts, James joins Yasmina and Lorraine in a waiting area)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (To James) Turns out I was Willy Wonka after all. James Mcquillan: I think I've got Lorraine's gift."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Yasmina... you're hired! Yasmina Siadatan: Thank you, Sir Alan! I'm going to be the best Apprentice ever!"

"Lord Sugar: I've read all your CV's and on paper you all look good, but so does fish and chips"

"Lord Sugar: It's sink or swim and as you've learnt by now, I don't do life-jackets."

"Dan Harris: Come on! WHO IS DOING THE MINCING?"

"Raleigh Addington: Lord Sugar, yesterday I was let down by a team leader who's like a bull in a china shop! He crashes into people, he upsets people. (Chris and Alex look at him somewhat surprised) He was so aggressive and such thuggish with other members of his team, he just shouts at us,he just doesn't let us get on with our jobs. He was always looking over my shoulder, (Sir Alan, now Lord Sugar, also watches Raleigh surprised) I wanted to sell things and I didn't get that opportunity! It wasn't fair, it was shameful!"

"Stuart Baggs: Everything I touch turns to sold."

"Jamie Lester: It was cringeable."

"Stuart Baggs: Dan, how many sausages did you make yesterday? Dan Harris: What I did was manage the team that produced eleven hundred sausages. Stuart Baggs: [Pressing keys on an invisible calculator] So, that's on a calculator...nought,"

"Stuart Baggs: If you give me a hundred grand a year, I will deliver to you ten times that and if I don't take it back. I'll give it back to you, a money back guarentee. I'm that confident. And that's why you shouldn't fire me Lord Sugar. Lord Sugar: I had an offer like that from Nigeria once."

"Raleigh Addington: Nobody knew what their job was! Dan Harris: EVERYBODY knew what their job was! If you had been listening, you would have known what your job was!"

"(Wanting to sell some sausages, Dan approaches a hotel and presses the intercom) Over the intercom: Hello? Dan Harris: Hello. Want some sausages?"

"Lord Sugar: I think you had your chance, you blew it. Dan, You're Fired!"

"Shibby Robati: (on Dan Harris) First impressions: Non."

"Dan Harris: (to Shibby Robati) Shibby, what the fuck are you doing?!"

"Karren Brady: You sold fourteen packs. Stuart Baggs: (somewhat surprised) Fourteen packs?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Three zeroes? That's a record... a terrible record. Karren Brady: They refused exclusivity to the MAJOR high street retailer! Nick Hewer: If one good thing came out of this, Stella kept this lot together[boys team] whist the girls were squabbling all over each other. Sir Alan Sugar: See that Karren, that's women power right their. Karren Brady: I've been telling you for years."

"Karren Brady:You are representing businesswomen today, one of which I am. And I have to say, it is outrageous the way you're behaving. 75% of my management team are women, and I've never come across anything like this. And I think you have to remember who you're representing in this process. Young women out there who want to have an opportunity to do this - you should be an example to them."

"Lord Sugar: (after Apollo's argument) This is like watching a bunch of bloody amateurs!"

"Laura Moore: I'm going to bring back, Joanna and... (about 7 seconds later) I would like to bring back Sandeesh, sorry. (Sandeesh scoffs Laura's choice)"

"Lord Sugar: (to Joy) You're Fired! Joy Stefanicki: Man!"

"Stella English: (as she is modelling for the "Cuuli" towel) Don't look at me Nick! Just don't!"

"Karren Brady: How hard is it to stand with a megaphone and shout 'muffins'?"

"Shibby Robati: I have two ears and one mouth, and I'm going to use them in that ratio."

"Paloma Vivanco: [to Shibby] I'm a businesswoman, and you're a joke!"

"Lord Sugar: You'll be more accustomed to this than me Shibby, after I say to you that after a thorough examination I have got some bad news for you. (After looking away from Lord Sugar for much of Lord Sugar's deliberations, Shibby looks up for a second, then looks down again for another second then back up again.) You're fired."

"Sandeesh Samra: Babies can't speak to you."

"Karren Brady: [to Melissa] The feedback was that you were very annoying."

"Melissa Cohen: [to Jamie and Stuart] Well done for ganging up on me. Horrible people."

"Melissa Cohen: Some people have set out to get me, and they've succeeded. Karmically, they will be retributed. The universe speaks louder than I do."

"Christopher Farrell: Call themselves salespeople? Bollocks!"

"Melissa Cohen: There was no room for manoeuvrement!"

"Lord Sugar: Stuart, you're young I know. But this is not kindergarten!"

"Jamie Lester: (on what he thinks the task will be) Science Museum. So it's gonna be something to do with science, or museums."

"Nick Hewer: Behind me, you can see Stella wearing a very short, sequinned, emerald green dress, waving at people from a window. Amsterdam, maybe, but not in Manchester."

"Alex Epstein: How about we tell people we opened the store today, and we've got Fearne Cotton and Alesha Dixon in the store? Sandeesh Samra: Because that would be a lie?"

"Lord Sugar: I don't like your last outbursts...and I don't like what I've seen across the table here today. You've talked yourself out of this. If you'd shut up a while back, it may be someone else going. Paloma, you're fired."

"Alex Epstein: If I was an apple pie, the apples inside would be orange."

"Laura Moore: [suggesting a name for a cleaning product] Blitz? Alex Epstein: The Blitz was a big bombing thing, wasn't it, years ago, like the Blitz in London? Laura Moore: But 'blitz clean', that's a word that people use... Alex Epstein: I think most people that were alive then are dead anyway."

"Stuart Baggs: Hasta la vista, gravy."

"Stuart Baggs: [gravelly American accent] Coming to a kitchen or bathroom near you. There'll be no mercy...only total devastation."

"Stuart Baggs: Influenza's going to be Cockney. [Cockney accent] 'Let's hide down 'ere. Dey won't find us down 'ere, mate.' [take two, as Influenza] 'Don't worry, E.coli. Come an' 'ide down 'ere wiv me. No cleaner cleans this deep.' [whiny voice, as E.coli] 'Oh no, it's the Germ-o-nator! Urrrrgh!'"

"Nick Hewer: The first time an octopus was mentioned, it was mentioned by the woman at the focus group, and as soon as she mentioned octopus, you were all over it like a tramp on chips."

"Lord Sugar: [on Apollo's final product] This thing is the most horrible thing I've seen in the bathroom since Psycho."

"Stuart Baggs: If Alex comes back, I will genuinely eat an item of clothing from every single one of you."

"Alex Epstein: WHEN!!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Alex shortly before firing him) It is with regret that having given you the change and opportunity, Alex that I'm going to have to say to you, you're fired. Alex Epstein: Nice to meet you Lord Sugar, likewise Nick and Karren. Thank you very much indeed."

"Stuart Baggs: [while filming the backdrop at Brands Hatch] I have to rein in my extreme masculinity in this task."

"Nick Hewer: [Stuart Baggs'] leadership style leaves me trembling with irritation."

"Stella English: Lucky for us that you made so many screw-ups, because you could have actually won. You should have won."

"Stuart Baggs: [As Stella] "I can't do anything for myself, I need it all spoon fed to me. [starts making gestures] Where's my spoon? Where's my spoon?""

"Stuart Baggs: I don't really want to introduce myself in German as then I'd be Herr Baggs."

"Lord Sugar: (after firing Christopher) I'm, sick and tired of looking at the pair of you. I don't want to see you in this boardroom again because it's getting untenable."

"Christopher Farrell: I tell you what. Get an extinguisher, and put me out!"

"Stuart Baggs: (Pleading to Lord Alan Sugar) If I work for you it's not going to be from 9 to 5, and I know some people think that. I'll be in the office weekends, even on a Sunday. I'll work for you 24/7. Lord Sugar: I don't need a night watchman. Stuart Baggs: Listen, I will make you so proud of me. Lord Sugar: Uh, I hear your enthusiasm you know? Great enthusiasm. A fly's got enthusiasm but it doesn't stop headbutting the window! Stuart Baggs: Ok, well since I've been in this process I've had 10 weeks and let me tell you, every night I've been thinking of new business ideas that I really want to develop. Let's start a new company, and not only will you be able to put me in an existing one, I can run one for you. I want you to wake up in the morning, and check the bank balance and think "He has made me millions" and I won't be happy with myself unless I've done that for you. Lord Sugar: That is such outrageous promises that you can't guarantee! Stuart Baggs: I’m not a one-trick pony. I’m not a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this."

"Lord Sugar: (After Stuart Baggs' "over the top" pony plea) There you are ladies, there's a gentleman that's put his plea forward. He's going to make me millions of millions of pounds in a business that he doesn't know what we're gonna be in yet, and that's a hard one to counter don't you think?"

"Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) On our left is the River Thames. It's the second largest river in London."

"Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) Straight ahead of you we've got Big Ben. The face of the clock is twenty diameters in width."

"Stuart Baggs: [trying to poach tourists from the other team]Hi guys, can I interest you in a tour? Joanna Riley: What the hell is going on? Chris Bates: Stuart, seriously, fuck off. Stuart Baggs: Seriously, you fuck off, this is our pitch. Chris Bates: It's not, this is the north area! Stuart Baggs: Go on, hit me then. Chris Bates: I'm not going to hit you, I'm just saying to get off our fucking patch! Stuart Baggs: You mouth off, you mouth off, but why don't you back it up with something? Chris Bates: Oh shut up, you fat twat. Why don't you fuck off down there? Fucking dickhead. Stuart Baggs: That's not very professional, is it? Joanna Riley: Just ignore him, he's not worth it! Stuart Baggs: [to camera] It seems a bit weak if you've got to swear a lot, you know? Not very professional."

"Claude Littner: (after Stuart puts his hand out to have it shaken) Sir down please. (reading from Stuart's CV) "I'm Stuart Baggs, The Brand" Stuart Baggs: Yeah. Claude Littner: What on Earth are you talking about? Stuart Baggs: Well... Claude Littner: You're a 21 year old kid. You're not a brand! Stuart Baggs: Well I think, when you look at what a brand means, it is... Claude Littner: No, don't tell me what a brand means, okay? You are not a brand, you're not a brand! Stuart Baggs: I think I might be. Claude Littner: Fine. Let's explore this a bit further then? Why would somebody, as successful, as innovative, as... Stuart Baggs: Yeah? Claude Littner: ...big a dreamer, as a brand, as you? Why would you want to have a job with Lord Sugar? Stuart Baggs: Because at the minute, I'm a big fish in a small pond. Claude Littner: You're not a big fish. You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish! Stuart Baggs: (After the interview with Claude) Alright guys? Felt like I'd knocked on his door and said "Sorry Claude, I've run over your dog!""

"Lord Sugar: (to Stuart) The thing is, is that my four advisers looked at me in this boardroom earlier today. They said to me that... you're full of shit, basically. And, possibly, you have been, throughout the whole course of this process. And do you know what annoys me even more Stuart? What annoys me more, that if I've misunderstood you with your claims and everything else that you've said that you've done, and someone like Liz last week left the process, I feel even further sick. Stuart Baggs: Mm-hm. Lord Sugar:Yeah! Stuart Baggs:Well, it's not the case... Lord Sugar: Well it is the bloody case! Stuart Baggs: (pleading to Lord Sugar one last time) I can show you, everything I've done. Lord Sugar: No, I don't believe a word you say, Stuart now. I'm annoyed with myself Stuart, I'm annoyed with myself that you have been allowed to come this far through the process and that is the first time that this weakness has come out. I'm annoyed with myself. Stuart, you are fired! Stuart Baggs: (accepting defeat) Thanks for the opportunity Lord Sugar. (Having witnessed what he has seen, Chris pulls on his shirt collar as Stuart leaves the boardroom in disgrace)"

"(After listening to Lord Sugar's condemnation of Stuart the remaining candidates show signs of relief in particular Chris and Jamie. Chris feels his shirt collar whilst Jamie sighs with relief.) Lord Sugar: (carrying on the boardroom as if Stuart never existed) Well, we're down to the last four. Two more people are going to leave the process today."

"Margaret Mountford: If I asked "What is the most interesting thing about you?" "I own three properties in the UK, two in Cyprus and a Porsche all before the age of 25. Did I mention I have a third nipple?" Jamie Lester: Third nipple! (laughs) Margaret Mountford: Yes. You're laughing! I'm not!. One or two pages later on, "What's the worst lie you've ever told?" "That I have a third nipple!" Is that supposed to make me laugh? Jamie Lester: No, it's just... Margaret Mountford: Think of a word that applies to that statement. Jamie Lester: Stupid. Margaret Mountford: Puerile!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Jamie before firing him) Jamie, I think you've come to the end of the road. I'm letting you go. Jamie, You're Fired."

"Bordan Tkachuk: Stuart, you're blagging to me. I know what ISP is. It's an Internet Service Protocol. And that's what you're providing. It's not a telecoms operating licence. It's a protocol that allows telecoms over bandwidths. (in reality the "P" in ISP stands for "Provider")"

"Stella English: I think I have the passion that Chris doesn't have."

"Chris Bates: Hang on, if you're going to talk about me, I'll talk about you!"

"Melody Hossaini: Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

"Jim Eastwood: I believe I can be the champion thoroughbred that this process requires."

"Leon Doyle: I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?"

"Felicity Jackson: Lord Sugar will probably find it difficult to ever say anything negative to me, because I always turn it round to a positive."

"Vincent Disneur: I’m best of breed within my industry. I’ve got plenty of charisma and, yeah, I’m not bad-looking."

"Edna Agbarha: I seek out pain rather than pleasure. A limp handshake is unforgivable."

"Tom Pellereau: (whips off glasses) Underneath these glasses is a core of steel."

"Lord Sugar: (on the change of format) It's not going to be about having a six-figure salary job with me. It's going to be about you providing your own salary. I'm going to inject £250,000 into a business, your business. And, you're gonna run it."

"Lord Sugar: Ed, you were trained at one of the leading accountancy firms in the country, I believe. Is that right? Edward Hunter: Don't fit the mould. Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon? Edward Hunter: I don't fit the mould. Lord Sugar: I didn't ask you that question, I said you were trained by one of the leading accountancy companies. Edward Hunter: I was. Lord Sugar: So, you would have had insight and vision into how companies are run, because you audited them a couple of times, yeah? Edward Hunter: It's all there. Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon? Edward Hunter: It's all there. All my experience is with me. Lord Sugar: Can you stop talking to me in semaphore? We're not sending each other text messages, here."

"Edward Hunter: Lord Sugar, my business plan and my strategy, different, very different. Bottom-up, not top down, because I didn't know how many we was gonna sell. Didn't wanna speculate. I didn't know what I was gonna sell it for. Didn't want to speculate. Lord Sugar: But you must have had some idea... Edward Hunter: When I was producing, that was production, and the selling was gonna take care of itself. Lord Sugar: Look, let's cut the crap here. I asked you a simple bloody question. Have you worked out how much you're gonna sell them for? Simple as that! A yes or no answer, not "I'm thinking about it as we go along, as we're squeezing I'm thinking about what price I'm gonna sell it for." Edward Hunter: The sales price was something we could change just like that. Vincent Disneur: This is completely wrong. What we did was, we worked out... let me explain it, I know how this works. Edward's not doing it right. Lord Sugar: Oh, he's not?"

"Lord Sugar: (to Nick and Karren) Edward, he reminds me of a very slow internet line. You have to wait, and you see him ticking over."

"Edward Hunter: Not only am I the youngest person on this team... Gavin Winstanley: Well done! Great! Edward Hunter: ...I'm also the shortest! (Gavin, Leon and Lord Sugar laugh at Edward)"

"Lord Sugar: You said on your resume that "I'm Lord Sugar's dream." With all due respect, you've been a bit of a nightmare. And so I'm gonna have to say to you, Edward, you're fired. (Edward stands up and starts to leave. As he goes to leave he stands by the door just as he goes out and faces Lord Sugar once more) Just learn from this, Edward. There's no shame in being an accountant, don't ever, ever run yourself down as far as that's concerned. (Edward turns away and goes out the door)"

"Edward Hunter: I handpicked Jim, 'cause I knew he was the man to lead the soup team. Lord Sugar:You knew he was a "soupman" did you? Edward Hunter: He's super."

"Vincent Disneur: (holding an orange) Is this an orange? Edward Hunter: I dunno."

"Tom Pellereau: I think the main problem is Edward. He's trying incredibly hard to show that he's not an accountant, he's not the accounting model. And unfortunately I think he left a lot of the good parts of the accountancy at the door when he came in- Lord Sugar: That's the most sensible answer I've heard here today."

"Alex Britez Cabral: (putting on a Welsh accent) I was just passing through the valley! I do love being on the farm."

"Glenn Ward: (in a Scouse accent) How's your wife and my kids?"

"Jim Eastwood: (to Alex) My contribution is more positive than negative. Yours is nada."

"Leon Doyle: Based on the feedback I've been hearing today, I'd like to bring back Alex, and Jim Lord Sugar: Alex and Jim Jim Eastwood: Well, it's interesting he chose myself and Alex. There's actually a few fall guys; Vincent fluffed his speech and I had to save the day, and I don't fluff speeches. Glenn, designed the app that turned out to be, Crap! On two tasks in, I've given a hundred percent effort. Leon Doyle: Jim has done a sterling job and... Jim Eastwood: Well then, I'm not the person you should be bringing back in if you agree that I've done a sterling job side so you need to change your decision. (stunned look from Lord Sugar) Leon Doyle: So on the basis of Jim's dealings here if, I mean do you want me to change it? Jim Eastwood: Change! Lord Sugar: I'm asking you, you're the man, you're bringing back in here.... Jim Eastwood: It's obvious! Leon Doyle: Yeah it's obvious. Okay... There's a potential it could be down to the concept, so...(looks down the left hand side of the boardroom then faces Lord Sugar again) Okay. On the basis of the failing of this task is down to the app I'm going to bring in Glenn.(stunned look from Glenn) Glenn Ward: You want to bring me back? I don't think you should, because... Leon Doyle: Listen Glenn... Jim Eastwood: It's done and agreed. Glenn Ward: I don't think you should. What do you think Jim? Do you think I should be back here? Jim Eastwood: The PM's made a decision, I highlighted who I thought made flaws, who made mistakes and he's chosen you. Glenn Ward: Well, I know... I think it should be Tom... Lord Sugar: Okay, but listen, the point is he makes the final decision. I want to get home tonight, Speak! Leon Doyle: This is my final decision. Lord Sugar: Right, okay. The rest of you, you've lost. You shouldn't have lost this task. Go back to the house, the other three of you, go wait outside and I'll call you back in shortly."

"(A recording session for the introduction of Slang-a-tang) Vincent Disneur: Slang- Jim Eastwood: A- Alex Britez Cabral: Tang."

"Ellie Read, Helen Milligan, Susan Ma and Melody Hossaini: (during a recording session) MOOOOO! (all break down laughing) Melody Hossaini: (while the others are laughing) We are serious businesswomen!"

"Lord Sugar: (during his boardroom deliberations) Alex, you're certainly a good talker but I'm not thinking of starting a business writing speeches."

"Glenn Ward: Alex? Yes. Sorry, I always forget him."

"Glenn Ward: (to Leon after they return to the house) You bottled it!"

"Jim Eastwood: I’m an Irish bulldozer of charm."

"Gavin Winstanley: So just to confirm - a cloche is definitely like a little greenhouse, is that right?"

"Jim Eastwood: I don’t know what rapport is. If I knew, I’d bottle it and sell it."

"Ellie Reed: (on Vincent) He’s what I call in my industry a bit of a wide boy – a Billy Bullshit."

"Gavin Winstanley: (also on Vincent) He couldn’t run a bath, honestly."

"Vincent Disneur: Vincent makes all the calls. Vincent closes all the meetings."

"Lord Sugar: (to Vincent) I know you’re Belgian and that’s where the waffles come from, but…"

"Felicity Jackson: They wouldn't even take a penny off! A penny!"

"Cashier: £189.50. Susan Ma: It's actually for a very important client... Cashier: How would that make a difference to me?"

"(After Lord Sugar fires Gavin, he sends Zoe and Vincent back to the house. Outside, they console him while Nick and Karren discuss further reasons in the boardroom) Nick Hewer: Foolish loss. He just couldn't control them. Karren Brady: And I think they're clear now that there's no hiding place."

"Leon Doyle: (to a female customer) We can get you naked and spray you."

"Vincent Disneur: You've got nice hair. Would you like a free massage?"

"Susan Ma: What’s at the British museum? Just, like, dinosaurs and stuff?"

"Karren Brady: (on Natasha) She comes in here, she talks the talk. All of the things she says that she saw, she noticed, she would have done differently – it’s all talk."

"Lord Sugar: Felicity, all you've told me since you've been in this boardroom today is that "The team agreed this, the team agreed that and the team agreed..." Well look, the person I'm looking for to go into business with me, there ain't no team. That person is on their own."

"Nick Hewer: I wouldn't gas about it. I'd get on with it."

"Felicity Jackson: Due to not selling enough, my next person will be Natasha Lord Sugar: Right. (slight pause. And then...) Natasha Scribbins: I sold more than...Jim. (Jim gives Natasha an evil look)"

"Vincent Disneur: What I thought we could do is have some sort of advert where you’ve got the old-school labrador that everybody loves, and you’ve got the It Boy pug. When you get them together, they don’t like each other too much, but at the end they become pals. And that would be the name of the brand: Pals. Ellie Reed: Pal is already a name. Tom Pellereau: It’s the second biggest dog food brand in the world. Vincent Disneur: Is it? Tom Pellereau: If not the first."

"Vincent Disneur: (to a dog owner, while filming the advert) Can we have the dog on all fours? Dog owner: On all fours? Vincent Disneur: You know, on all fours, rather than sitting down. Dog owner: Do you mean standing up? Vincent Disneur: Yeah, standing up."

"[after Team Logic's fifth successive loss] Lord Sugar: You know, I had a dream recently. I dreamt that one day I came into the boardroom and you lot weren't here. Never mind "Logic", you should be branded "Tragic"!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Jim) I don't know whether you're made of brains or bollocks."

"Lord Sugar: This Jim, he seems to have some kind of control over people. I don’t know why."

"Lord Sugar: (to Vincent) With your track record at Logic, I suppose Winalot was not on the agenda, really."

"Natasha Scribbins: (to Vincent) Tom’s voice was not heard 'cause you were so far up Jim’s behind, you couldn’t see the wood for the trees!"

"Lord Sugar: I haven't seen much of you, Ellie. I don't think I can go into business with you, so I'm going to tell you that you're fired. Ellie Reed: Okay. [Ellie gets up and leaves. Lord Sugar turns to face Vincent] Lord Sugar: Vincent, I've got a feeling that you're too in awe of other people, and I think you're playing a bit of a risky game by strategising and bringing in the wrong people, so I think a message needs to go back. Vincent, you're also fired."

"Edna Agbarha: To some extent, I've been in both camps. I've been the brains and I've been the brawn as well."

"Natasha Scribbins: Melody just turned to me and just basically got a big plate of blame and went “There you go. Fancy a bite?”"

"Susan Ma: Zoe made so many bad decisions on this task. She was just sad and pessimistic, with a horrible attitude throughout the task. I never ever want to work with her again."

"Lord Sugar: My disposals get taken away in the back of a taxi."

"Melody Hossaini: It felt so good yesterday to see dirt on me, to see my fingernails dusty, to see dust in my eyes."

"Nick Hewer: There’s never any meat in it. That’s the problem – it’s just waffle."

"Edna Agbarha: I train chief executives how to be better at their job. A person who has a budget of £5bn, I'm the individual who does the assessment on that particular person and his leadership team and I teach them how to be even better at their jobs. Nick Hewer: (to Lord Sugar) Do you need training? Lord Sugar: I don't think so."

"Jim Eastwood: (through a microphone as Tom Pellereau looks on disapprovingly) Number 73! House Number 73! With the skip outside! (no response) Hello? (Still no response. Jim tries again more doubtfully) Hello?"

"Natasha Scribbins: Lads’ magazines are about lads, yeah?"

"Natasha Scribbins: What we need to bear in mind is that our focus group was quite focused."

"Nick Hewer: Trying to nail anything on Jim is a bit like trying to nail jelly to a wall."

"Jim Eastwood: (to Susan) I actually think you’re just marginally worse than Glenn."

"Jim Eastwood: It looks as if we're all trying to shoot Bambi. Lord Sugar: Er, It was actually Bambi's mother that got shot."

"Lord Sugar: I have never yet come across an engineer that can turn his hand to business."

"Jim Eastwood: May I speak Lord Sugar? Lord Sugar: No you mustn't, not anymore. I'm sick and tired of it."

"Susan Ma: Are the French really fond of their children? Do the French go camping? I know nothing about the French and their culture."

"Karren Brady: You don’t have to be have been in France to answer the question, “Do the French like their children?” That really is beyond stupid."

"Susan Ma: Do a lot of people drive in France."

"Jim Eastwood: Could you sell this type of small petit object?"

"Leon Doyle: I drew a picture of a teapot with a light. (pause) I took a back seat but I don’t want to say back seat, I was on the ground."

"Lord Sugar: (on Melody) She’ll tread over anybody. She’ll eat them up and spit them out for her breakfast. That’s what I like about her."

"Nick Hewer: (on Tom and Leon) I think it's about time that both Leon and Tom actually started to stand up for themselves and started being a bit more manly frankly."

"Nick Hewer: (on one of Team Logic's sales) As they say in Europe: "Nil Points." Nothing."

"Nick Hewer: Zoe slapped down Susan a couple of times, [just] as somebody slaps down a yapping puppy."

"Susan Ma: (on Zoe) On a personal level, she’s one of the bitchiest and most back-stabbing people I’ve ever met."

"Natasha Scribbins: It's an anytime treat, for after school."

"Zoe Beresford: Melody is a nightmare to work with. She’s come up with this one idea, and she’s pushing it and pushing it and pushing it. I don't like it, Susie doesn't like it and Tom doesn't like it. I can imagine that in the focus group, she would have talked them to death until they all held up a white flag and say “Yes, we’ll go with the bloody heart.”"

"Lord Sugar: If someone can't actually perform in the business that they're in, they're not going to be able to perform with me. Zoe, you're fired."

"Jim Eastwood: Alright, ladies, come to Papa."

"Nick Hewer: (on Jim) I’ve never seen such an abundance of baloney. He’s good fun, people like him, and I quite like him now for the first time."

"Jim Eastwood: It's very difficult to push treacle up a hill."

"Nick Hewer: They've sold their three nodding doggies... to three unsuspecting people of appalling taste. Time to get some more. Woof! Woof!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Tom) If you nod your head any longer, I'm going to put you on the back seat of my bloody car."

"Nick Hewer: (to Jim, who is Irish) I don't know whether you kissed the Blarney Stone or swallowed it whole, but you were a tour de force."

"Karren Brady: (to Lord Sugar) I think if you went into business with Melody, your board meetings would be a very, very long affair."

"Tom Pellereau: Melody runs a business which, unsurprisingly, is all to do with talking."

"Jim Eastwood: I have twenty three umbrellas, and ironically twenty three minutes left!"

"Lord Sugar: It is with regret... (Tom shakes his head, believing he is going to be fired) Melody, that You're Fired. Melody Hossaini: (on the brink of tears) Thank you Lord Sugar! Nick, Karren! (As Melody leaves, Tom holds his head in his hand in relief)"

"Lord Sugar: (after Venture 'win' the task) I had a treat lined up for you by helicopter down to Goodwood and then ride around in some vintage cars (Slight smile from Susan while Natasha and Jim see what's coming...) but you can forget that. You've won okay? But there's no balls, no guts, no reinvestment. Just get back to the house and I'll see you on the next task."

"Tom Pellereau: (on MyPy) It’s either utter madness or complete genius."

"Tom Pellereau: Didn't Christopher Columbus discover the potato?"

"Nick Hewer: Columbus, he's British? Tom Pellereau: You're kidding."

"Jim Eastwood: The girls didn’t play ball – throwing toys out of the pram. I was like Mother Teresa, as opposed to project manager."

"Karren Brady: You need a sieve with Susan, because you have to work out what stuff is meaningful and what is meaningless."

"Helen Milligan: (when asked to tell a joke by Mike Soutar) A fish is swimming along and he swims straight into something and he goes “Oh, dam.”"

"Margaret Mountford: (to Jim) I must say, I’ve never seen a longer application form. “I’m not a show pony, or a one-trick pony, or a wild stallion that needs to be tamed, or even a stubborn mule. I believe I can become the champion thoroughbred that this process requires.” What impression does that give me of you – that you’re a bit of an ass?"

"Jim Eastwood: (on being asked by Margaret to summarise himself without resorting to clichés) I am exactly what it says on the tin."

"Lord Sugar: Tom, maybe there is some legs in offering a chair."

"Claude Littner: You haven't got one error. It's full of errors. There's not a single number that adds across correctly!"

"Lord Sugar: Tom, you are gonna become my business partner. Tom, you're hired! Tom Pellerau: (quietly) Brilliant! Helen Milligan: (also quietly) Well done Tom. Tom Pellerau: Thank you Lord Sugar. (Tom leaves the Viglen building and as he does so he runs forward slightly and punches the sky) YES! (He claps his hands in victory) Yes! (as he approaches Lord Sugar's Rolls-Royce, Tom takes his glasses off and gives one more celebratory gesture)"

"Helen Milligan: (After Susan returns to the house) Oh my god! Is it just you?! (Jim enters) Jim Eastwood: Did anyone order a final four?"

"Ricky Martin: When it comes to business, I’m like a shark. I’m right at the top of the food chain. I truly am the reflection of perfection."

"Katie Wright: I would call myself ‘The Blonde Assassin’. I let people underestimate me just so I can blow them out of the water."

"Stephen Brady: I do believe business is actually very, very simple, and it is made complicated by idiots."

"Azhar Siddique: They call me the Master Puppeteer, because I have a habit of pulling people’s strings."

"Katie Wright: Bilyana did me the biggest favour in the world because she buried herself. I owe her a drink, to be honest."

"(Lord Sugar brings out some products made by the girls team Sterling including a bag with penguins drawn on it. As he looks at it, Jade's face falls) Lord Sugar: That's very good!"

"Lord Sugar: (having listened to Bilyana giving reasons why she should stay) Listen, I don't want to hear about your life. Bilyana Apostolova: I'm just... Lord Suagr: Lots of people got great stories to tell me. I don't want to bring out the violin and listen to your sob story."

"Lord Sugar: Is everything clear? The candidates: Yes, Lord Sugar. (Lord Sugar soon turns to Michael) Lord Sugar: You look like your sweating. You're not nervous, are you? Michael Copp: No, not at all. Not really. Lord Sugar: (unconvinced) You sure?"

"Adam Corbally: Okay Katie, I'd officially like to welcome you to team Phoenix. Katie Wright: (as Adam shakes her hand) Why, thank you Adam. Adam Corbally: We do things a bit different around here, like winning."

"Jane McEoy: (to Duane as he tries the chutney) Don't! You'll blow your head off! (Duane tastes the chutney as the other girls, particularly Jenna and Laura, watch concerned) Duane Bryan: That's absolutely perfect. And even though we've... even...(coughs as the chutney he made gives off such a strong scent and taste. He later leaves the chutney pan and keeps on coughing)"

"Azhar Siddique: What I'll do is I'll lead the piss-pitch in this next one."

"(Towards the end of the task, Katie rings Michael's sub team, he tells her that they have left-over stock) Katie Wright, Ricky Martin and Stephen Brady: What?! (various acts of surprise from Ricky and Stephen) Katie Wright: We've sold everything! Michael Copp: Really? That's wicked, how did you do that?"

"Duane Bryan: There is a well-known expression, don't look a gift horse in the eye."

"Katie Wright: I go to football games, it's £6 a burger... Lord Sugar: £6 a burger? Where do you go? Chelsea?"

"Jenna Whittingham: (to Laura who is Scottish) Do you think that people like, speak a Scottish language? Like just a pure Scottish language? What if someone comes to the stand and they speak Scottish to us? Will you be able to know what they're saying? Laura Hogg: (laughing) My god, Jenna! Stop!"

"(before the task briefing Adam and Ricky simulate a race on the Wii. Ricky tries to push Adam off his tracks while Adam tries to do the same to Ricky. A few minutes later Jade plays on the Wii as the other candidates watch. Laura is also about to have a go on the Wii until Azhar says to them...) Azhar Siddique: Guys! (Azhar opens the door to the house lounge and Lord Sugar enters) Lord Sugar: Hello. (shocked look from Laura. The other candidates then divide into their two teams and prepare for the task briefing)"

"Azhar Siddique: (on the phone) Sorry. Very quickly Jade, just run me through the strategy again."

"Adam Corbally: How many times does he want us to run him through the strategy?"

"Adam Corbally: (Sniffing some English wine) You can smell Christmas cake."

"Tom Gearing: (while visibly drunk) I've enjoyed myself thoroughly today. It's been a great day, me and Adam have had a lot of fun. We've really gotten to grips with the English wine sparkling... sorry, really got to grips with English wine... sparking..."

"Lord Sugar: (on Jenna's disastrous video advert) I know you're out there trying to impress me, and I also know I might remind you a little of Sid James, but I didn't ask you to make a Carry On Boozing movie. I was expecting any one moment there, Kenneth Williams to pop in and say "Ooh, maître d’, where's me Grandeur gone? Someone's nicked me Grandeur!" It's a total bloody joke! I don't know what you were thinking!"

"Lord Sugar: Stephen, you are this close to going outside that door! Stephen Brady: If I was project manager again, I would definitely deliver another victory and most importantly... Lord Sugar: Definitely? Stephen Brady: I would definitely deliver another victory, I'd actually put my, erm, well put anything that I have on me right now on that... Lord Sugar: You've thrown the gauntlet down. You are the project manager next, and I expect you to win!"

"Gabrielle Omar: Can you let me finish, please?"

"Lord Sugar: (To Stephen moments before firing him) You asked me for the chance to be the Project Manager, I gave you the chance. You told me you were going to win, you didn't win. You lost!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Adam Corbally before firing him)I think it's time for you to leave this process(Smile from Adam) You're Fired! Adam Corbally: Thank you Lord Sugar! Lord Sugar: I wish you all the best Adam. And I hope you do very well. Adam Corbally:Thank you very much. Lord Sugar: And keep in touch. Adam Corbally: (before he leaves) If you ever need a salesman, you know where I am!"

"Claude Litter: (having listened to Nick's explanation of his website) Do I care?"

"Mike Soutar: One of the things I found flawed in [Jade's] business plan was that one of the websites she owned was still available for anyone to go and buy...so I did."

"Nick Holzherr: It's like being under fire! It's like being in a warzone!"

"Mike Soutar: It all seems a bit show business than real business. Do you think that people take you less seriously in business because they can't stop imagining you in a pair of lycra pants?"

"Matthew Riley: Are you smoking something? Get on with that business! What on earth are you doing?! What are you even doing sat here?!"

"Claude Littner: The trouble is, you're an arrogant...fool. However, I read your business plan. And, I was quite impressed. Ricky Martin: Thank you Claude. Claude Littner: I think it was interesting, I think it was well written. So it just puzzles me how you can write such nonsense, such rubbish..."

"Mike Soutar: I have a glowing employment reference here and I'm going to read it out to you. (reading from the reference) "What is very evident is Tom's natural ability to focus on the challenge and to deliver results..." It goes on. "I do firmly believe you have an excellent "Apprentice" who truly has the skill sets to deliver." That's pretty good stuff isn't it? Tom Gearing: I'd say so, yeah. Mike Soutar: Who do you think said that? Tom Gearing: I'm not sure, not sure at all. (As he replies, Mike smiles)"

"Mike Soutar: How much of your business plan did your father write? Tom Gearing: He didn't write any of it. Mike Soutar: None of it at all?"

"Jade Nash: (after an interview) Absolutely slaughtered!"

"Jaz Ampaw-Farr: Aw, man!"

"Lord Sugar: Ladies, who's gonna be the project manager? Jaz Ampaw-Farr: I am!"

"Lord Sugar: I've got a pile of CVs here. It's full of the usual BS! I'm sick and tired of that bloody rubbish to be quite honest with you, 'cause actions speak louder than words!"

"Zeeshaan Shah: Let me speak to him! Neil Clough: It's alright guys. Thank you. (he hangs up) Zeeshaan Shah: (taking the phone off Neil) Listen! I need to speak to him! Do you not understand that?! I said it about seven times mate! Neil Clough: Listen! Listen! What do you want to say? Zeeshaan Shah: I said it seven times! Tim Stillwell:He's still there... Zeeshaan Shah: (to Neil) I want to tell them where to sell those jackets! Neil Clough: Zee! Zee! Listen to me... Zeeshaan Shah: When I'm saying something seven times... Neil Clough: Why are you shouting? Zeeshaan Shah: Because I said something seven times... Neil Clough: Alright, well here's the eighth time! Ring them back. Zeeshaan Shah: Yeah, they're here. Hello?"

"Leah Totton: I'm the person who knows the most about the costs. I should do the next sale. Luisa Zissman: I do this every day. I run three businesses, all of which are sales. Leah Totton: This is huge... Luisa Zissman: No offense but you're a doctor. Leah Totton: You cannot possibly say that! You can't possibly say that! Luisa Zissman: I should do it. Leah Totton: I really don't think you should. Luisa Zissman: Why not? Leah Totton: Because I think I'll be better. Luisa Zissman: Why do you think you'll be better? Leah Totton: Because I know the figures. Do you know the figures? Luisa Zissman: Well, you've got them written down so all I have to do is to look at them. Leah Totton: And you'll memorize them in that time? Luisa Zissman: Yeah, I think I can memorize a few figures."

"Neil Clough: Behind every good project manager there's a Neil Clough."

"Alex Mills: Jason, will you be quiet you silly shit?!"

"Lord Sugar: How do you send people to a brewery that don't drink? In Zee's case particularly, he is as dry as a cream cracker in the bleeding Sahara Desert!"

"Lord Sugar: I'm sitting here thinking to myself, you're all a bloody waste of space at the moment. I mean, the basic fundamentals; counting, calculations, locations, where you are going to sell. These are very elementary things."

"Lord Sugar: This is simple multiplications, it is not rocket science."

"Jason Leech: Not you Jordan, somebody average size!"

"Lord Sugar: (commenting on a poorly designed piece of furniture that the girl's team failed to sell) Functional, yes. Functional in the sense that it's easy to wheel it out to the skip to throw it away!"

"(Before the task briefing at the location where the candidates were told Lord Sugar wanted to meet them) Lord Sugar: Good evening. (echoes) The candidates: Good evening, Lord Sugar. (echoes)"

"Uzma Yakoob: I'm in the look good industry. Lord Sugar: That don't look good! Tidy-sidy, wishy-washy, poxy-boxy!"

"Karren Brady: Well you did say was the product had to be glueless. Lord Sugar: Glueless? More like bloody clueless!"

"Nick Hewer: (on Kurt's recycling chair) I've never come across such a revolting idea!"

"(After the task and collecting the results) Karren Brady: (to Evolve) They really liked your pitch... (Natalie and a few others smile while Endeavour look doubtful) And they really liked you guys... They hated the product. (Natalie's face falls. Similarly most of Evolve also show looks of devastation particularly Leah, Luisa and Francesca) And they didn't place any orders. (Whilst Evolve are shockeld that they lost, Endeavour show signs of celebration)"

"Alex Mills: (holding up a bunch of carrots) What are these?"

"Neil Clough: Kurt should be fired for the failure of this task! Kurt Wilson: Why am I the failure of the task?"

"Alex Mills: Fresh viagra? I don't need any of that, I'm from Wales!"

"Zeeshaan Shah: I know Dubai like the back of my hand."

"Lord Sugar: Thank God I didn't send you out to buy 20 camels, you'd come back with a packet of fags!"

"Lord Sugar: (upon seeing Endeavour's flag) Looks like a blooming napkin! Kurt Wilson: I agree with it. I made myself look like an idiot."

"Zeeshaan Shah: Oud is a perfume! Alex Mills: Zee, listen sunshine it's not! O-U-D-H is a perfume!"

"Natalie Panayi: (upon seeing the flag that isn't 6ft) That's...not six foot. Zeeshaan Shah: That's not six foot! Flag stitcher: Forty two centimeters by...seventy two centimeters? (Zeeshaan looks at Kurt who tries to work out the sum in his head)"

"Lord Sugar: (moments before firing Zeeshaan) Zee, your idea of going into business with me is going to do with international trading and real estate. And you've just demonstrated that you can't deal internationally!"

"Alex Mills: (on Zeeshaan) We've had know-it-all come in, thinks he knows it all, he's about as much use as a chocolate teapot."

"Jason Leech: (in an "Arabic" accent to an Emirati person while miming) You put a hat on it so it does not see. Like an eagle, a big bird. And you put it on your arm and it flies away."

"Leah Totton: We put Alex in a Sergeant-Major role-"

"Alex Mills: IS THIS THE BEST I CAN SEE?!"

"Francesca Macduff-Varley: You're talking to three people leading from the corporate world and you're telling them you don't like what they do?"

"Neil Clough: (after Endeavour win the task and on their treat) How does it feel to be on a winning team, Natalie?"

"Kurt Wilson: (referring to Leah) I was thinking maybe bringing one of the girls over here as a bit of eye candy."

"Jason Leech: Score!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Kurt before firing him) I admire your honesty here, but Kurt you messed up on this task, okay? So Kurt, you're fired!"

"(Evolve win the task and are sent away by Lord Sugar, but as he does so he asks Jason to go back into the boardroom) Lord Sugar's receptionist: Could you go back into the boardroom Jason? (A scared look comes across Jason's face. He goes back into the boardroom and faces Lord Sugar worriedly) Lord Sugar: Don't have such a worried look on your face Jason. I forgot to say, one of those sales was down to you. Well done. Jason Leech: I hope to keep impressing you. Lord Sugar: Okay. (Jason steps back towards the boardroom door and leaves. As he goes out the boardroom, he sighs with relief to join the rest of Evolve)"

"Alex Mills: (dressed as "Herbert the Pervert" to Karren who looks bewildered) I'm supposed to be a scary thing, so if I'm scaring people it's working. Karren Brady: Don't...Don't scare the kids."

"Myles Mordaunt: How about we get someone to take a picture of me and you? Leah Totton: No Myles, we need someone who looks...Younger."

"(Leah and Myles look through the pictures they took.) Myles Mordaunt: It's that you look like this...(imitating Leah in the photos) It's like he smelt of, poo or something."

"Jordan Poulton: I am a woman who works really long hours in the city and I don't want to have to go out to a bar and sit there and wait for men to come and talk to me. I want to be able to go onto a website and choose the people I want to interact with because I am a strong, sexually liberated and high powered woman! (bewildered look from Karren)"

"Jordan Poulton: If, and when, an investment is made then those discussions happen but the honest truth is... Lord Sugar: What discussions happen? Jordan Poulton: Discussions about percentages and how it was split between... (stunned look from Myles) Lord Sugar: Errrr... no discussion here mate. We get 50:50 shares. Jordan Poulton: I'm a safer investment... Lord Sugar: Safer investment?! What bleeding world do you live in?! A text-start business?! Jordan Poulton: Lord Sugar, let me explain... Lord Sugar: They're the most risky bloody investments on this planet!"

"Jordan Poulton: Hello, I'm Jordan Claude Littner: I know you are. (Jordan sits down) It transpires that actually, this isn't your business! Jordan Poulton: Mmm-hm. Claude Littner: "Mm-hm"? What does "Mm-hm" mean? Jordan Poulton: There's three parts to the answer I think because... Claude Littner: Hang on a second, hang on a second. You are not a shareholder in this business. Jordan Poulton: Correct. Claude Littner: Correct. Therefore, you've got no right to negotiate or to give away a part of a business that you do not own. Jordan Poulton: Mm-hm. Claude Littner: Furthermore, and this is what I'm very upset about, having waded through these pages, when I got to page 45 in your 52-page diatribe here, you're only prepared to yield 15.39% equity. (brief pause) That's not the deal! The deal is 50% for £250,000 Jordan Poulton: Mm-hm. Claude Littner: You've got no right to be here, because you're feeding on someone else's idea, someone else's business. (pause) You're a parasite! Jordan Poulton: Can I defend myself before I leave? Claude Littner:Frankly, I think this interview is terminated. You can leave now."

"Luisa Zissman: I'd rather give birth again than do this."

"Lord Sugar: What do you make of Jordan? His business plan was something to do with an "immersive mobile experience." I thought that was when you dropped your phone in the loo or something."

"Jordan Poulton: (said without pausing for breath) From the age I can remember I’ve always felt like I was more intelligent than everyone else and I got things faster than everyone else and I knew that there was something I could do with that ability that would be meaningful and I have this ability inside me that I don’t even at times know what to do with and so I figured that business is the way you get success in the modern world so why don’t I just try to learn as much about that and I’m sure eventually I’ll be able to do something that shows everybody I’m able. Claudine Collins (apparently paying scant regard): ‘I’m going to move on."

"Claude Littner: There are large, well establish companies in that space. Neil Clough: Absolutely, yeah. Claude Littner: They're going to go to their market leader. Neil Clough: I'm going to compete with that! Claude Littner:But you've got no chance! Neil Clough: I have! Claude Littner: No you don't! Neil Clough: I definitely have! Claude Littner:The market's full. Neil Clough:I absolutely believe in my plan! I don't know whether I've been explaining it clearly... Claude Littner: No, you're explaining it clearly. I hope I'm explaining it clearly how, how just ludicrous the whole idea is. Neil Clough: It's something I know so... Claude Littner: Something you know? That's crap!"

"Mike Soutar: I think what I'm hearing is, the guy who sits there who has no self doubt. Who has to believe this will work. Neil Clough: I know how to make it successful, and you're gonna keep hearing me say it because I truly believe that! Mike Soutar: And you're gonna keep, hearing me say; I think you're in trouble with this business plan."

"Margaret Mountford: "A lady with a brain like Einstein..." and who got a C,D, and E in her AS levels. Luisa Zissman: Yeah, I flunked my AS levels. Margaret Mountford: You said that "people look at me and see that I'm a bimbo with hair extensions, fake b***s and nails." Luisa Zissman: Yeah...(withering look from Margaret) Obviously that comment was very tongue in cheek. Margaret Mountford: Do you think it's sensible to put tongue in cheek comments, when you're completing an application form with a view to someone making a quarter of a million pound investment? Luisa Zissman: I don't think there's anything wrong with having a bit of personality in business. (Margaret glares)"

"Margaret Mountford: You studied the greats in human history, and cherry-picked their knowledge and as a result of that your role model is David Beckham? Jordan Poulton: I stand by that! Margaret Mountford: (wryly) Yes..."

"Lord Sugar: I am bitterly disappointed with your business proposal. I know that ten weeks ago when I first met you, I just flipped through all of you very, very quickly, "What's your idea?"...and you said something about estate agents. But it don't work and I'm shocked. I tell you, I am totally, absolutely shocked, because if I didn't care about you, if I didn't think you was any good, I couldn't care less to be honest. Yeah? It don't work. it don't make sense. Neil Clough: It does. It does make sense. This is a business plan that isn't just off the back of a fag packet. I have thought it through and it's a simple plan... Lord Sugar: You have not thought it through. Neil, don't dig yourself a bigger hole, mate. 'Cos that ain't been thought through. Neil Clough: I believe in that business plan. I also believe in my self ability that I can drive that to make a success. Lord Sugar: It is a shame, it is a shame that you're still sitting here, believing in it. Neil Clough: I'm asking for the opportunity to do it. Lord Sugar: I know, but I might as well put that £250,000 into a slot machine, right? I may as well just stand on London Bridge and chuck it over London Bridge. Honestly, that's how bad it is. Neil Clough: I believe that this is the one that I know I can make a success. Lord Sugar: No, you can't. Neil, Neil, stop saying that. You can't. You cannot. It does not work, mate. Me, I would not have a bat in hell's chance of starting from scratch in this business. There, that's how good it is! It's sickening for me to sit here and that that someone that has been as powerful as you ends up the right man, you know, but the wrong plan. It's disheartening for me, yeah? And you won't move away from it, Neil. Neil Clough: I'm absolutely convinced that I can make a success of the business and I just wanted that opportunity. Lord Sugar: No, no, no, no, you can't mate, I'm sorry. You can't. Neil, if this was all about giving someone a job, I'd give you a job tomorrow, right? But coming into business with me, I'm afraid not, my friend. I'm sorry. I'm disappointed and I'm sure even Nick and Karren will be disappointed, but Neil, it is with regret that I have to say to you that..you're fired. Neil Clough: (showing defeat) Okay, thank you for the opportunity."

"Claudine Collins: (to Jordan) I have to say, you talk about yourself a lot as being an entrepreneur. Are you really? It just seems you jump onto other people's ideas."

"Claudine Collins: You state in here that you and your partner compliment each other perfectly. So you already have a partner?"

"Steven Ugoalah: I have an amazing idea for Lord Sugar that's going to make him a fortune and is going to change the world. I'm not arrogant, 'cause what I'm saying is all true."

"Lord Sugar: Scott, can you tell me what you were doing on this task? Because I've had some reports back that, never mind the bleeding Wolf of Wall Street, you're more like the bloody Poodle of Petticoat Lane."

"Lord Sugar: (on Steven) He is an irritant, there's no question of it, right? But it's not really a reason for placing the blame on a person like that-- Steven Ugoalah: (interrupting Sugar) Exactly! Exactly. Lord Sugar: Steven, may I respectfully say to you, SHUT UP!"

"Steven Ugoalah:If I was you I would turn around and go and get the shirts. Chiles Cartwright:I appreciate your comments, I've made a decision. And I can't understand what comments like that are helping to the situation. Steven Ugoalah: I have been helping! Had we gone to Goddard's which took five minutes walk from that T-Shirt shop, this wouldn't have happened! Chiles Cartwright: Steven, get a grip! Mark Wright: Alright pack it in, if you're gonna complain, at least let us do something!"

"Lord Sugar:Daniel, what is your opinion about who is responsible for the failure of this task? Daniel Lassman: I don't want to dig anyone out but it has to be Steven. (stunned look from Lord Sugar) Lord Sugar: It does?!"

"Felipe Alviar-Baquero: We had a team that Chiles was managing which had a very disruptive character. Lord Sugar: Who was that? Felipe Alviar-Baquero: Steven. Lord Sugar: You're saying that Steven was disruptive and that's one of the reasons for the failure of the task? Felipe Alviar-Baquero: I believe that it is the main reason... Lord Sugar: The main reason?!"

"Lindsay Booth: Was that your sale? Sarah Dales: That was my sale. Lindsay Booth: Right, then you can help with coffees then. Sarah Dales: No. because I'm project manager I'm afraid. I'm actually managing this whole task."

"Robert Goodwin: We agreed as a team to create gourmet hot-dogs that are exciting, creative and very Shoreditch. Lord Sugar: I'm not interested in all this Shoreditch, Yuppy, arty-farty bollocks!"

"Lord Sugar: (After hearing Steven's reasons for the failure of the task) Alright, I don't want to hear the rest of the Magna Carta."

"Lord Sugar: (to the initial candidates) This year, I'm going to start things off a bit differently. (Lord Sugar picks up the phone and calls his receptionist) Can you send the other candidates in, please? (Shocked look from Roisin. The boardroom doors open and four more candidates, Sarah, Pamela, Scott and Sanjay join the other candidates)"

"Lord Sugar: [To Team Summit on their product] I think even the shoplifters would bring it back."

"Scott McCulloch: Dan's shouting at me, James is shouting at me, You're shouting at me, You're shouting at me. What do you want me to do?"

"Nick Hewer: (to the camera after Robert's refusal to step up as project manager) You need to be a very brave man to actually ignore pretty firm instructions from Lord Sugar. But my word! Robert shirked that within seconds!"

"Lord Sugar: (immediately after Team Summit's loss has been announced) I've got the feeling that there's going to be a lot of finger-pointing at one particular individual, Robert, for not taking up the project manager's position. It'd be an easy way out, for everybody to be saying "Robert this, Robert that," so I'm going to make this much easier for everyone. Robert, I don't like people who bottle out. So Robert, You're Fired! Robert Goodwin: Thank you Lord Sugar. (Robert gets up and leaves and sits in reception) Lord Sugar: You will go off now and you will have a chat among yourselves. Come back in here and we will discuss what's gone wrong on this particular task. And at least another one of you will be fired. Off you go. (The rest of the mean leave the boardroom and say goodbye to Robert.) Lord Sugar: I'm not even gonna mess about. This kind of deadwood is out, as soon as possible."

"Lord Sugar: Scott, who are you going to bring back into this boardroom? Scott McCulloch: It's quite an even split I would say, (confused look from Lord Sugar) I had a good idea with regards to my industry, my skill set and I wanted to understand... Lord Sugar: Yeah, I'm not hearing any names here... Karren Brady: Scott, if you spent less time covering your arse and more time answering questions, we might get some names for Lord Sugar! Scott McCulloch: I'm gonna bring back in Daniel and Solomon. (Daniel scoffs Scott's choice) Lord Sugar: Daniel and Solomon. Daniel Lassman: 'Cause James just said it. Lord Sugar: The rest of you, need to take a good long look at yourselves because at the moment you are a total shambles! A complete and utter shambles!"

"Lord Sugar: Daniel, one of your day jobs is pub quizzes so here's a question. What's the point of a pitch meeting? Answer: To get orders."

"Scott McCulloch: I'm putting this back on you guys, right? Done! (Stunned look from Nick Hewer)"

"Lord Sugar: (To James in the firing line) Just shut up for a minute. James Hill: Definitely, Lord Sugar. Lord Sugar: You can't shut up now!"

"Lord Sugar:[after watching Summit's video]I suppose you guys think that's funny. James, when you sent in your CV, you said you got no qualifications? You got your first qualification because you come across as a grade-A pillock"

"Lord Sugar: (To Sarah on her credentials as a hypnotherapist) ...Erectile dysfunction...Don't look her in the eyes, Nick."

"(The phone rings at the candidates house) Mark Wright: Hello? (Mark answers the phone whilst the other candidates crowd round him, he beckons two or three of the candidates to be quiet) Hi, Lord Sugar. (Shocked looks from the candidates) Lord Sugar: (over the phone) This is just to remind you that you may waiting for some of your colleagues to come back from the boardroom. Well, they're not coming back. I've let all three of them go today. (shocked look from Sanjay whilst everyone else looks stunned) I've been telling you all along that I'm not gonna put up with any dead wood in this process, and today demonstrates that quite clearly. Okay?"

"(after Sarah, Steven and Ella Jade are sent outside) Lord Sugar: Do you know? Ella Jade, she can talk okay? She's highly educated, and I wonder whether she's ever actually done a day's work in her life. And Steven, well, what is it about him? Karren Brady: People ignore him, because it's actually far easier to ignore Steven than to spend so long listening to him get to the point. Lord Sugar: Yeah. Quite clearly of the whole team, they've got it in for Sarah. Nick Hewer: When she pipes up, people tell her to pipe down. Karren Brady: The question is, does she actually have anything worthwhile to say?"

"(in the first triple firing (outside the interviews) Steven insists that he wants to be the next project manager. Lord Sugar on the other hand...) Lord Sugar: You're not going to be the next project manager because I think you are a lost cause in this process. Steven, you're fired. (Steven goes quiet and gets up to leave) Steven Ugoalah: Thank you Lord Sugar. (Steven leaves. Sarah and Ella Jade remain seated) Lord Sugar: Ella, I made you the project manager in a task which was the nearest to what you want to do with me when we go into business. And you failed. Ella-Jade Bitton: No... Lord Sugar: And it's an unforgivable... Ella-Jade Bitton: (thinking she is next to go) Please Lord Sugar... Lord Sugar: Sarah, there is no smoke without fire. The reason why people always make you the timekeeper is because people don't seem to have much confidence in you. And if people don't have much confidence in you, I'm wondering why I should have confidence in you as a business partner. (Sarah's face falls) Sarah, you're fired. Sarah Dales: (as she gets up to leave) Thank you for the opportunity. (Sarah leaves leaving Ella-Jade alone) Lord Sugar: I got to get on with this process with the candidates, some very, very good candidates that are left. Let's get rid of the no hopers, no chance. Don't waste my time. Ella-Jade Bitton: I understand that Lord Sugar. I have the absolute hunger to learn from this and improve... Lord Sugar: (paying little attention) Yeah... Ella Jade Bitton: I'm really passionate about this process. I will do my absolute ultimate aim to prove to you that I can be your business partner. Lord Sugar: Yeah, the thing is, I'm afraid to say... Ella Jade Bitton: Please Lord Sugar. Please... Lord Sugar: You do not have... Ella-Jade Bitton: I do. I promise you I do. Please let me stay... Lord Sugar: Ella... Ella-Jade Bitton: Please, let me... Lord Sugar: You're Fired. (Ella-Jade however refuses to leave) Ella-Jade Bitton: Please let me stay Lord Sugar... Lord Sugar: Yeah, I'm sorry. You are fired. I wish you well. (Ella-Jade starts to leave but refuses to give in and faces Lord Sugar one last time.) Ella-Jade Bitton: Please Lord Sugar, I promise you. I promise you I will learn from this. I promise you Lord Sugar. Lord Sugar: Yeah, there's no, I've made my decision okay? You're Fired. (Finally, Ella-Jade gives in and leaves the boardroom) Lord Sugar: (after the boardroom is empty) I've been in business long enough to work out the people who had no chance of becoming my business partner and those three certainly had no chance."

"Lord Sugar: (to Tenacity) The only way you lot are going viral is if you kiss someone with the bloody flu!"

"(At the end of the internal review, Lord Sugar sends the rest of Tenacity back to the house leaving Ella-Jade, Steven and Sarah alone) Lord Sugar: Get ready, to defend your positions in this process. (in the end he got rid of all three of them)"

"(After Summit win the task and are on the treat, they toast to themselves in one of the volcanic baths) James Hill: Has anyone done a wee yet?"

"Lord Sugar: (to James) If Anne Boleyn's neck had been as thick as you are, she might still be alive."

"Daniel Lassman: (on the treat) How's this a treat?!"

"Daniel Lassman: (to Mark) When you smell blood, you give us a silly football analogy."

"Daniel Lassman: I know you like your football analogies, Mark. Well, sometimes a good Number 2 doesn't make a good Number 1 and you've yet to prove that."

"Lauren Riley: You've heard why we failed and none of it was me. None of it was me! Mark Wright: Yeah, none of it WAS you! That's why you're sat here."

"(Felipe becomes tearful up on seeing the advert his team has made) Lauren Riley: Awww, come here Felipe. (Lauren and Felipe embrace) They'll be proud of you and what you've done. Felipe Alviar-Baquero: I just feel so proud of what we have done."

"Mark Wright: (after he is asked who he's bringing back in) I'll bring Daniel back as well. (Daniel rolls his eyes)"

"Solomon Akhtar: We saw the products visually."

"James Hill: Stop trying to undermine me and stuff all the time! Roisin Hogan: I'm not!"

"Lord Sugar: (moments before firing James) James, what I want to say to you is this: Culture, that bit of good stuff about you and you will go somewhere. You will go somewhere. But it is with regret James, that I'm going to have to say to you, You're Fired! James Hill: (showing signs of defeat) Thank you Lord Sugar and Nick, Karren, I've really enjoyed this experience. Good luck guys, alright? Roisin Hogan: (quietly) Good luck James. James Hill:Alright, Thank you. Cheers.(James leaves the boardroom) Lord Sugar: Good luck."

"Lord Sugar: Katie, you know nothing about running a restaurant! Katie Bulmer-Cooke: I've worked in a restaurant from the age of 15. As a waitress, I've worked front of house, I've worked back of house... Lord Sugar: Yeah, I've been to MacDonald's also."

"Karren Brady: (On Sanjay's business plan) Alan, it seems more of a whim than a business idea."

"Ricky Martin: (To Roisin on her CV about being an accountant) Lord Sugar is looking for a business partner. He's not looking for an accountant."

"Claude Littner: (to Solomon) This is my tenth year doing this, and I've got to say that when I read your application form and then when I read your CV, it filled me with pleasure. There were no boastful brags about how great you are and 'you're the greatest salesman' or 'you're the greatest everything', it was very, very mature, very nicely written, so from my point of view, that was a sheer pleasure. Solomon Akhtar: Thanks so much for saying that. Claude Littner: I've told you how pleased I was with your CV, and then I came on to actually look at the proposal that you're pitching for Lord Sugar, and frankly... it's a bloody disgrace! It's a bloody disgrace! In the 10 years I've done this, I've never seen something that's put together, two bloody pages with pictures on one page? What do you think you're coming here for? What do you think you're coming here for? You can leave. Goodbye. Solomon Akhtar: Can I argue, can I just say...? Claude Littner: There's nothing to argue! You've given me pictures of sailboats. You've given me pictures of sailboats, what am I gonna work on? Pictures of sailboats? What is that? What is that? Solomon Akhtar: Those are logos, yeah, logos. Claude Littner: You're taking the piss! Please leave. (after noticing Solomon going the wrong way). That's not the way out. Solomon Akhtar: (whispering) Fucking hell..."

"Mike Soutar: (To Lord Sugar on working with Daniel Lassman) He would die in the attempt. Claude Littner: Or you'd kill him."

"Lord Sugar: Solomon, you are a very intelligent young man, but when I appraise your business plan and think about us working together I'm struggling a little bit. Claude reckons you're gonna go somewhere one day...But not now. Solomon, you're fired! Solomon Akhtar: Okay, thank you very much. Nick Hewer: Good luck. Solomon Akhtar:Thank you. (before he leaves he turns to face Lord Sugar) Can I say? I actually really enjoyed the process, and thanks for being fair I think. Nick and Karren you've been very fair and Lord Sugar throught the process. So thank you."

"Lord Sugar: Daniel, I don't think we're gonna go into business together. But I do wish you well and it is with regret, Daniel you're fired! And Daniel I think, you are a better man than when you walked in the doors here eleven weeks ago and I congratulate you on you changing your manner and I do hope that you carry on that way and that you have learned and gleamed something from it. Daniel Lassman: Yeah, absolutely. (Daniel gets up to leave) Thank you very much for your time."

"Mike Soutar: Are there any other exaggerations? Lies? Daniel Lassman: No absolutely not. In fact to be honest Mike, I would honestly say that the CV's probably under-exaggerated."

"Ricky Martin: How long have you been a sales manager? Mark Wright: It was just under a year. Ricky Martin: I see that as being deceitful!"

"(On the way to the interviews) Mark Wright: Mine feels more like a winner Dan. Daniel Lassman: Your's feels heavier, 'cause you've got bigger font than me. (In another car Roisin looks through her business plan while Solomon looks on in awe. He pulls out his own plan and looks through it) Bianca Miller: Have you, included your financials Solomon? Solomon Akhtar: Erm, I've got the nitty-gritty stuff sort of...in my mind."

"Claude Littner: This is my tenth year of doing this, and I've got to say that when I read your application form, and then when I read your CV...It filled me with pleasure. (Stunned look from Solomon)"

"Mike Soutar: (after hearing Bianca's proposal) So you want Lord Sugar to get, into tights? Bianca Miller: (smiling) Yes. Mike Soutar: That's an interesting visual image."

"Lord Sugar: You would back Bianca 100%?"

"Daniel Lassman: I think it's a no-brainer Lord Sugar, though Mark is a lovely guy."

"Lord Sugar: (to Dan Callaghan) Get your hands out of your pockets! (Dan obeys) Welcome to the boardroom. Over here you see an empty chair. So we have a new colleague of mine assisting me here, and if you think this process is tough it's just got a whole lot tougher! (Brief pause, then the door opens and Claude Littner takes the seat to Lord Sugar's right. He scowls at the candidates) Welcome, Claude."

"Dan Callaghan: Hello! Are you, interested in buying a salad?"

"Lord Sugar: Claude, perhaps you'd let me know about Versatile? Claude Littner: Their total sales amounted to £467.50, their costs were £267.21, yielding a profit of £200.29. Lord Sugar: Okay. Karren, same thing for Connexus. Karren Brady: Sales: £343.53, Costs: £341.66 (celebratory signs from Mergim, Gary and Charleine) making a pathetic profit of only £1.87."

"Claude Littner: I think I'll have to go down, and lie down for a while and put a cold towel on my head! Selina has displayed absolutely no leadership whatsoever! I think we're in trouble with this lot."

"Richard Woods: (while ironing a tie) Winning!"

"Lord Sugar: (when Connexus return to the boardroom) Well, to come in with £1.87, it's abysmal! Late in the kitchen, late at the location, lunch time; you turn up at 1:30, you may as well forget it!"

"Mergim Butaja: (holding a spring onion) Is this an onion? Sam Curry: Yes, that's an onion."

"Claude Littner: (After Versatile try to sell fish to a vegan restaurant) I must be losing the plot here. This place is teaming with people and they've gone into a veggie restaurant trying to sell fish? That's no way to sell."

"Elle Stevenson: (to Joseph Valente whose role model is Hugh Hefner) If my boyfriend said he wanted to be like Hugh Hefner, I would kick him where it would really hurt!"

"Aisha Kasim: I just want to say, if anyone is not productive on this task and we lose, they'll be coming back into the boardroom with me. I don't care!"

"Lord Sugar: (on Team Connexus' digital billboard) You're rotating like a kebab, Ruth."

"Elle Stevenson: (after Lord Sugar moves the teams back to girls vs. boys) I'm glad we got rid of Brett 'cause he's bald."

"Scott Saunders: (during a brainstorm) What about Manly Moist? Sam Curry: (giving a disgusted look at the representation) Ugh!"

"Mergim Butaja: (Assisting Brett collecting the manure) The smell is beautiful."

"Lord Sugar: (to the losing team) In the task, you got covered in bullshit. Now you know how I feel, when I listen to some of the rubbish that comes out in the boardroom."

"Lord Sugar: (on Connexus' third appearance in the boardroom) Okay, let me tell you this. Normally, I set this task at eight o'clock in the morning and I tell people to be back here 6 o'clock the same day. You had the whole of overnight and all that time to think about where you were going and what you were doing. Not organized!"

"Vana Koutsomitis: I just don't like questions that'll make no sense. Selina Waterman-Smith: You're right, I shouldn't bring up anything I have an opinion on."

"Karren Brady: Vana, I don't know why you're laughing because it's just not funny! It was chaos, it was unorganized, it was unfriendly at times. It was a shambles!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Joseph) I suppose you, Valentino, would go after the mirror. You probably spent half your time looking in it."

"Joseph Valente: (at the end of a negotiation) One hundred euro for seven. (He holds his fingers up to mime "seven" but actually ends up miming "eight")"

"Lord Sugar: Vana, it's hard for me to justify how you can remain in the process, because of the failure of this task. But, Jenny, I'm yet to see any actual achievements, anything one can pin down to you and say, "well, actually, that was very, very good." So, I'm having less of a problem here. Jenny, you're fired! Jenny Garbis: Okay. Well, I really appreciate the opportunity, I'm very disappointed not to have been able to show you what I'm really capable of, Lord Sugar, because I do think I have the capability to win this process. Many of the other candidates in the house said they were worried I was going to be in the final with them. I'm really sorry I haven't been able to show you that, but good luck, guys. Thank you."

"Karren Brady: Alan, I'd be worried about going into business with Ruth. Claude Littner: But which would you rather have, Karren? Someone who's very enthusiastic or someone who just doesn't seem to care that much? Karren Brady: Well, I'd have neither, actually Claude."

"David Stevenson: (on the T-Shirts) You can wear them with almost, anything!"

"Richard Woods: [On the phone to Charleine] Would you like me to pass you over to David?"

"Sam Curry: It's like giving birth to a child and someone offering you £2 for it. I mean I've never given birth before so...selling your baby for £2. God! What a heartless mother I am."

"Sam Curry: (to Elle Stevenson) You are, a genuine princess."

"Lord Sugar: (to Mergim before firing him) It is a difficult one. Look, Mergim I'm going to say this to you: I don't think you have the potential, at this moment in time, of being my business partner, I really don't. But carry on with your dreams okay? It is with sincere regret Mergim, that you're fired. Mergim Butaja: Thanks a lot for the opportunity guys. Thank you. (Mergim gets up and starts to leave) Lord Sugar: (as Mergim goes out the door) And we'll stay in touch. Mergim Butaja: (turns round to face Lord Sugar one last time.) Thank you Lord Sugar. (Mergim turns and goes out the door)"

"Joseph Valente: No stopping, no messing around, no toilet breaks, just hitting it! Solid, yeah?"

"David Stevenson: (After Lord Sugar fires Elle, Mergim and April and he is back at the house) I've never seen something so brutal in my life!"

"Elle Stevenson: Joseph, the second we get in that theater I am no longer the project manager, you are that project manager!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Elle minutes before firing her) In your day job, you organize the construction of basements. Well in this particular task, you've dug yourself a very, very big hole. You're Fired!"

"Sam Curry: (after listening to a football manager telling them what they have to do if they secure a contract) Question: If we get this contract, do we have to do it?"

"Claude Littner: (on Scott's attempts to secure work during leaflets) What a complete waste of time!"

"(After customers ignore Scott during his attempt to sell body-wash and Maltesers on an escalator) Scott Saunders: It's alright, I'll talk to myself."

"Scott Saunders: I want that stuff, in there! Brett Butler-Smythe: Speak to me like that again..."

"(As Sam tries to work a cash register it keeps beeping) Sam Curry: Oh, shut up! (the register beeps again and he gives up) Screw that."

"(After Versatile win the task and on their treat) Richard Woods: Do you fancy, when you move to London, getting a place round there Charleine? Charleine Wain: Yeah, not with you though Richard!"

"(Gary and Charleine carry two large boxes to their stall on the first day of the task) Gary Poulton: You alright there, Charleine? Charleine Wain: (struggling) Yeah. The heavy candles are heavy!"

"(On the second day of the task, Richard tries to attract customer into his team's discount store, all the while being watched from the upper floor by Vana and Brett) Richard Woods: We're Manchester's newest discount store. I've even got it on my T-shirt, that means it's true."

"Lord Sugar: (on Versatile's party after they lose the task) It was supposed to be fun. It seemed to me more like an Ofsted inspection."

"(Connexus have won the task and Lord Sugar sends them on their treat but Scott remains seated) Scott Saunders: It's alright. I would just like to quickly say, thank you for the opportunity but I would like to exit the process at this point. (stunned look from Charleine and the other candidates. For a while Connexus stand at the door and do not leave just yet) Charleine Wain: (gasps) My god! Lord Sugar: Well that's your choice if you want to... (Connexus leave the boardroom) Richard Woods: Oh, my god! Lord Sugar: You're doing my job for me. Richard Woods: (shocked) What is he doing?! Lord Sugar: But I'm an honorable man and I stick to the rules, so all I do is thank you very much for putting yourself forward because you've actually made life a bit easier for me, okay? Scott Saunders: Thank you very much. (Scott leaves the boardroom) Charleine Wain: My god! (Scott walks past his team-mates and gets his luggage then leaves) Richard Woods: Scott, what are you doing?! Scott Saunders: I'm off! (Stunned look from Vana)"

"Lord Sugar: (after Scott leaves) This process is all about people who perform. At least another one of you will be leaving the process today. (Versatile are dismissed) Karren Brady: He clearly knows he's out of his depth. Lord Sugar: He didn't deserve to stay in this process. He really didn't. Listening to you... Karren Brady: Oh, he's gone! Claude Littner: He's been floundering for weeks really."

"Joseph Valente: (to Selina) Oh, my god. You are such a manipulator!"

"Charleine Wain: (to Selina) Do NOT talk over me! I am talking here!"

"Lord Sugar: (On Charleine's business plan) Expecting her to become as big as Toni & Guy is like expecting Claude to grow an afro."

"Claude Littner: (Reading from Richard's plan) "Project X. A fully managed and implemented business growth campaign that starts with a focus base camp, to remove the clouds from our client's business growth mountain..." (Stunned and bewildered look from Claude)"

"Richard Woods: (After his interview with Linda) I've thrown it away!"

"(The initial interview) Vana Koutsomitis: So do you want me to give you a bit of background about why I know there's an opportunity? Because obviously, that's going to your first question. Claude Litter: Why don't you let me ask the first question rather than predicting it?"

"Claudine Collins: Why does Lord Sugar call you Valentino? Joseph Valente: 'Cause my surname's "Valente", the Italian and I'm a bit of a romancer. Claudine Collins: Are you?"

"Mike Soutar: (to Richard) You've been rumbled."

"New interviewer Linda Plant: (having learned that the previous task reduced Charleine to tears) But how are you going to cope, running a multi-million pound organization? Gonna cry?"

"(At the end of Richard's initial interview with Mike Soutar) Mike Soutar: That just appears to be more than just a sloppy mistake. It appears to me to be misleading."

"(Joseph goes to an interview in front of Claude Littner who consequently is surprised to see him) Claude Littner: Are you really Joseph? Joseph Valente: Am I really Joseph? Yeah. (Remembering his mustache Claude feels the top of his own upper lip in a mustache fashion)"

"Charleine Wain: (after Joseph shaves his mustache off) Don't grow it back mate!"

"Lord Sugar: You've got more cheek than Kim Kardashian, I think."

"(During the filming of Joseph's promotional video) Mergim Butaja: I'm off to run a bath. Elle Stevenseon: Mergim, the fire's not working! Mergim Butaja: Neither, is, the, Bath. (Brett laughs in the background and the video stops) Elle Stevenson: Mergim, no! Brett Butler Smythe: (in Mergim's voice) Neither is tha bath! (normal voice)What are you doing? (Take two) Brett Butler-Smythe: Action! Elle Stevenson: Well, what are we going to do about it? I'm freezing. Mergim Butaja: I'll get hold of Plime Time Plumbers... (Elle starts laughing and the filming stops again) Ow, that was perfect!"

"Lord Sugar: Why don't you tell me one last time Joseph, why you think you should be my business partner? Joseph Valente: Lord Sugar, I once read a book that changed my life. The title of that book was "What you See is What you Get." and I saw the author of that book and what I'm saying to you is what you see is what you get. I've got ten years experience in this industry, I'm driven, passionate, and hard working. through these last 12 weeks I've jumped through hoops to try and prove to you time and time again that I can adapt and change, I do need investment I do need mentoring. But with that combination I will make a million pounds within five years, there's no doubt about that. And I hope you can see me as a person and I hope you buy into me."

"Lord Sugar: Technology has been my best friend for over 50 years...but maybe it's time to make new friends. And so Joseph, you are going to be my business partner!"

"Claude Littner: (after Lord Sugar hires Joseph) From Task one, I think he showed a certain caliber, a certain entrepreneurial flair that I think you don't see too often in a young man. Lord Sugar: Yeah. But, you know what? Joseph, my money, my help. I think he can go far."

"Karthik Nagesan: I'm an emperor, a true leader. A country is not enough, a continent is not enough. I'm after the world."

"Aleksandra King: The sheer energy I am going to bring is going to mimic that of a nuclear explosion. Once I lock myself onto the target, they do not stand a chance."

"Lord Sugar: If you want to moan, you can send me an email at "LordSugar@idon'tcare. com""

"Dillon St. Paul: I'm the business equivalent of a diamond. I can sparkle and light up a room, but if you're not careful I can cut you."

"JD O'Brien: (trying to explain the boys' team name, "Titans") They're in...mythological... Greek...badasses..."

"Karren Brady: You're very excited aren't you? Jessica Cunningham:I am,yeah. I'm really nervous. Karren Brady: Take a breath."

"Lord Sugar: (To Oliver who runs a sausage business) Are you Porkos, Greek god of sausages?"

"Lord Sugar: You like to be known as "The Big K"? Is that right? Karthik Nagesan: The Big K to friends and fans but you can call me K."

"Jessica Cunningham: The one issue is, we can't find the jeans. (slight pause, and then...) Karren Brady: What do you mean, you can't find the jeans? Jessica Cunningham: Er, basically, we put the jeans down and then we've not picked them back up again. Karren Brady: So, you're...doing photographs for your jean campaign without your jeans?"

"Lord Sugar: (in the second occasion where both teams lose) Normally, in this task, I make the decision as to which one of those were the best...Well I'll tell you what: I am not putting my name to either of those advertising campaigns. They're useless! Both totally, absolutely useless! I feel so angry that not one of you geniuses came through and ran this thing properly. Never mind Mad Men, more like Demented Dimwits."

"Lord Sugar: I mean, second week...my favorite task... I...(he stammers) I mean, I'm just lost for words really."

"Paul Sullivan: (After both Titans and Nedula lose the task) If anyone else goes but Mukai today, that's a travesty."

"Karthik Nagesan: I saw people not pulling their weight, and that's what leads to frustration because it feels like I'm pushing custard up a hill."

"Lord Sugar: One of you will be fired. Or... (he points to hanging mannequins) Hung out to dry, like those mannequins up there."

"Karthik Nagesan: (after Mukai accuses him of being a disruptor) There are two kinds of people in this world: Spectators and players. If you're a player, you'll roll up your sleeves and you'll get in there! Yes, you will step on people's toes and you'll be labelled a disruptor!"

"Frances Bishop: (seeing Oliver struggling to make rock) What does he do?! Paul Sullivan: He makes sausages. Frances Bishop: (surprised) Yeah, but...how? Paul Sullivan: Don't ask me! I don't even know. (all the while, Frances mouths "How?")"

"Lord Sugar: Oliver, your best hope for 250 grand is to buy yourself a scratchcard."

"Karthik Nagesan: (after Mukai and Paul return to the house after the boardroom) I'm surprised you survived the boardroom after last week. Mukai Noiri: Why are you surprised? Karthik Nagesan: Bust-ups, bad decisions, bad business acumen... Mukai Noiri: I live to fight another day."

"Karthik Nagesan: (as he is selling sweets) Suck it! Who wants to suck it?!"

"Claude Littner: (with exasperation) I don't get it! Wha...How would I know that's a New York skyline?! How would I know that's Majorca?!"

"Claude Littner: I will eat my shorts if that gets traction on social media. Hashtag concern."

"Karthik Nagesan: (to Dillon St. Paul after Titans win the task) The gentleman who did this, worked on Hollywood stars. You might well be looking at the next one."

"Karthik Nagesan: Give me a laptop and I'll make you a billion dollar company. Lord Sugar: What?"

"Claude Littner: Well Courtney, I've been watching you for the last eleven weeks and frankly for most of that time I've wanted to kind of, smack you over the face to wake you up! Seriously, I look in your eyes and I think "Where's the energy? Where's the passion?" Courtney Wood: What makes you think that? Claude Littner: (imitating Courtney) "What makes you think that?" Your demeanor! Come on!"

"Claude Littner: (as he pushes Courtney for a proper justification as to why he should have Lord Sugar's investment) Come on Courtney! Yes! Yes! YES!"

"Lord Sugar: We've got Brexit. But in this process, I'm the one who decides who's going to remain and who's going to leave."

"Elizabeth McKenna: Lord Sugar, I had my hands in that meat. And I mixed it!"

"Harrison Jones: I'm not going to stand there and stand next to you, waiting for you to do numbers. I am going to make more burgers, I'm not going to stand there waiting for you to make a decision."

"Lord Sugar: Tell me about this themed well, then. Who drew that? Ross Fretten: That was the designer but that was in about 90 seconds... Lord Sugar: Did you run out of time then? Ross Fretten: I'm trying to actually explain. Not to be rude, but uninterrupted would be really helpful just so I can get something across..."

"Jade English: It's a draw, yet there's three lads in the boardroom?"

"Siobhan Smith: Whatever's happened, we just need to let it go. (singing) Let it go, let it go..."

"Sarah Jayne Clark: I'm laughing at the situation cos all I've heard for the last ten minutes is bla-bla-bla-bla-bla! I've had enough. I'm sick of it, for Christ's sake. We're meant to be pulling together and focusing on the task. I've had enough, of like a drill going through my temples. That's why I'm laughing, because if I didn't laugh I'd probably...combust!"

"Andrew Brady: ARE WE GONNA WIN THIS?!"

"Bushra Shaikh: Elizabeth is an uncontrollable, unprofessional...cartoon character. She definitely goes on about pointless things...at the end of the day, you know, those kind of actions are not someone that I would class as a professional businesswoman."

"Lord Sugar: (Pondering) I've got to say... I'm a gambler, and I've always been a gambler in business... This particular year (short pause; intense music) I'm gonna double my investment and I'm going to start a business with both of you! (Both James White and Sarah Lynn are so relived at the announcement) Sarah Lynn: (jovially) Thank you. James White: I won't let you down, Lord Sugar, it means the world to me. (Lord Sugar watches as his two new business partners James and Sarah embrace each other.) Lord Sugar: You have done tremendously well... I will see you both shortly... Off you go! Both James White and Sarah Lynn: Thank you (they both exit)."

"Lord Sugar: I'm after workers, not shirkers. Winners, not wingers."

"Lord Sugar: Now, in last year's boardroom, I surprised everyone by investing in two winners, so this year expect the unexpected."

"Lord Sugar: Just to make this clear, make me money and don't piss me off."

"Rick Monk: We're going to Malta, these girls have no chance of winning this first task, they are going to be fashion conscious, "all my make-ups running", "doing my hair". The boys are tall, we are definitely gunner wipe the floor with them."

"Kurran Pooni: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!"

"Daniel Elahi: So did you shake Claude's hand? Camilla Ainsworth: No, but I gave him a "Yoo-Hoo", which went down... badly. Daniel Elahi: I'm going to shake his hand. Camilla Ainsworth: You won't be able to- Daniel Elahi: I will. (Daniel Elahi walks into Claude's office ready to face his interview; Daniel helds his hand out to Claude in order for him to shake it.) Good afternoon, Claude. Claude Littner: (rudely rejecting Daniel's handshake; Not even looking at Daniel) Take a Seat. Daniel Elahi: (Saddened and humiliated) Alright."

"Camilla Ainsworth: (Walks into Claude's office; Jovially) Yoo-Hoo! Claude Littner: (unamused and imitating Camilla) Yoo-Hoo?! Camilla Ainsworth: (defeated) Sorry."

"Mike Soutar: How many sticks did you sell last year? Daniel Elahi: It was about forty seven thousand. Mike Soutar: So how come it says on your product page on Amazon, "over one million sold globally"? Daniel Elahi: (after being presented with a copy of his product page on Amazon) Yeah, that's not correct... Mike Soutar: How has that appeared on there? Daniel Elahi: I would need to review that... Mike Soutar: I'd like you to review that right now! Can you tell me who wrote that phrase? Daniel Elahi: I would need to check. Mike Soutar: So you didn't write that? Daniel Elahi: I could have written that... Mike Soutar: I think you did write that! Daniel Elahi: It's possible that... Mike Soutar: I'd rather you didn't lie about this. Daniel Elahi: Yeah, it's highly likely that I wrote that. Mike Soutar: What percentage likely? Daniel Elahi: Yeah, probably ninety percent likely I wrote that. Mike Soutar: Would you say a hundred percent likely that you wrote that? Daniel Elahi: I would... Mike Soutar: You wrote that, didn't you? Daniel Elahi: ...Okay. Yeah. Mike Soutar: Why would you lie? It's very disappointing."

"Lord Sugar (Lord Sugar wonders who will be a better business partner for him out of the remaining candidates Camilla and Sian) It's very tough for me to make a decision... but on reflection... (To Sian) but Sian, you have a good aptitude and a talent for design (hires Sian) you're gonna be my next business partner (Sian is over the moon)."

"The Narrator: On the other team (shows Ryan-Mark Parsons and Lewis Ellis riding a rollercoaster) Ryan-Mark Parsons: (Screaming as the rollercoaster goes up) Lewis. Lewis. LEWIS! Lewis Ellis: Oh my god. The Narrator: Getting to grips with Saw Ryan-Mark Parsons: (Screaming and laughing as the rollercoaster goes up) The Narrator: Lewis and Ryan-Mark (the rollercoaster then goes down and the ride goes down with Lewis and Ryan-Mark screaming the whole way through, finally, the ride reaches an end) Lewis Ellis: (After the ride and Ryan-Mark's screaming has finished; jokingly) Everyone heard you screaming down there, look you made us a laughing stock (laughs and waves to the audience)."

"Representative of 'War Paint': (after being attempted to be sold Affinity's skincare product 'Anti-Venom') Have you tried it? Bradley Johnson: We have tried it... Representative of 'War Paint': It doesn't come off. Bradley Johnson: It will come off once diluted with water. Representative of 'War Paint': And it looks like...watered down shower gel, that smells like toilet freshener. Bradley Johnson: We are willing to work with you, and we can create a product that will be flying off your shelves. Representative of 'War Paint': I think if you could completely recreate a product that isn't just...green water, and didn't have (shows the bottle) this packaging (and the box) or this packaging, then we could maybe talk about it. Bradley Johnson: So if we could-strike a deal today, would that work with you? Representative of 'War Paint': Strike a deal on-completely re-inventing the brand?"

"Lord Sugar: (after hearing the results that results in a third loss as project manager for Bradley Johnson) Bradley, three times project manager, three times you've tried to change the product right in front of the customer while you're pitching. I've told you before: I don't ever want to see you back in this boardroom again; and I tell you what: I'm never going to see you back in this boardroom again."

"Karren Brady: (during the discussions about the candidates for the final boardroom after Supream's massive failure on the negotiation task) I've got to tell you Alan: They all made mistakes, they're all culpable and they all should be back in here."

"Lord Sugar: (as part of one of the fastest firings and final boardrooms ever) Nadia - we can't find any other reason for the failure of this task other than your decision that you made for bangers and mash. The amount of money paid for sausages, £500 odds worth, really killed this task - so Nadia, you've left me nowhere to go, unfortunately. You're Fired!"

"Brenda (Bren) Furlong - Victoria Wood"

"Petula Gordino - Julie Walters"

"Dolly Bellfield - Thelma Barlow"

"Jean - Anne Reid"

"Anita - Shobna Gulati"

"Phillippa Moorcroft - Celia Imrie"

"Twinkle - Maxine Peake"

"Tony Martin - Andrew Dunn"

"Stan Meadowcroft - Duncan Preston"

"[Repeated line] You might very well think that. I couldn't possibly comment."

"Back in the nick of time"

"Two cops in the same town at the same time... 33 years apart"

"John Simm as DI Sam Tyler"

"Philip Glenister as DCI Gene Hunt"

"Dean Andrews as DS Ray Carling"

"Marshall Lancaster as DC Chris Skelton"

"Liz White as WPC Annie Cartwright"

"My fellow animaniacs…"

"My fellow Ugly Bettys..."

"My fellow amoeboids…"

"My fellow watermelons…"

"My fellow pelicans…"

"My fellow umbrellastands…"

"My fellow sea-beavers…"

"My fellow ostriches…"

"My fellow Bulgarians…"

"My fellow Abi Titmuses…"

"My fellow Algorithms…"

"My fellow Merkins…"

"My fellow crustaceans..."

"[Referring to the end of the Iraq War] I give my word to the Iraqi people that American construction firms have arrived on the ground and will commence reincarnation immediately…"

"You must remember that Al-Qaeda therapists despise the American way of life, and everything you and I hold to be queer…"

"Today the Iraqi people will be voting — whether they are Sonnies or Chers."

"The Iraqi people can look forward to a future free of intimidation and violins."

"Former President, Bill Clitoris…"

"My fellow cabinet members, Donald Rumsfeld and Basmati Rice…"

"Abu Musab al-Safari and the Iraqi detergents are vanished."

"Yassir Crackerjack and the Polyunsaturated people."

"[After a long speech] I hope I have made myself queer."

"As a result, the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announcified that he would be resumerating their nucular program."

"Al-Kapowwow"

"People of Britain, starey eyes, sweaty palms, receding hairline, yesterday I announced…"

"People of Britain, oh how I hate to be beside the seaside grimace, hate Gordon Brown hand gesture, looking over his shoulder underpants…"

"People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister, twitchy face, embarrassing plum suit, today..."

"People of Britain, this is your Supreme Overlord…"

"People of Britain, who hate me…"

"You miserable gits, this is your Prime Minister…"

"People of Britain, this is your Emperor…"

"Slack-jawed simpletons of Britain, this is your leader…"

"... But I am not Tony Blair. No, my real name is Enrique "The Condor" Martinez ..."

"[regarding George W. Bush] As you can see, the lights are on but no one's in the trailer home."

"People of Britain, this is your I-can't-believe-it's-not-Gordon Prime Minister."

"[after just regenerating into the Tenth Doctor] New Labour. That's weird."

"The listeners understand, John, and Gordon Brown agrees with this and you've had your say, that in so far as this policy is implemented if I can get a word in edgeways and the whole Cabinet is behind this…"

"I never said I was the Queen. This was twisted by the media back into the order in which I said it."

"Look, simply Blair has lost touch with the people! (Beat) Oh dear I almost made sense there!"

"And that's the end of the whole affair. And by affair I don't mean affair so will you quiet down, Pauline!"

"I used the funds for my large volume of important work (Beat) and my wife's volume of important hair"

"It is with deep regret and double chin that I announce this."

"He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later."

"I swear you're just like a pill. Instead of making me better you're making me ill. More on that story later."

"I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot. More on that story later."

"I've got something to put in you, I've got something to put in you, at the gay bar, gay bar. More on that story later."

"You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot — happy Christmas, your arse, I pray God it's your last. More on that story later."

"I'm not trying to pull you, even though I would like to. I think you are really fit. You're fit but my gosh don't you know it. More on that story later."

"It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. More on that novel later."

"My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel.. More on that story later."

"I want money, that's all I want, just give me money. More on Jeremy Paxman's new salary demands later, but first…"

"My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. More on that story later"

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right. It's better than yours. More on that story later."

"Push me, and touch me, so I can get my satisfaction. More on that story later."

"They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no no. More on that story later."

"I've had the same jeans on for four days now. More on that story later."

"And i would walk five hundred miles, and i would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall at your door. More on that story later."

"Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. More on that story later."

"Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. More on that story later."

"You're watching Newsnight... are you trying to impress someone? More on that story later."

"One love for the city streets, one love for the hip hop beats. One love is all we need. More on that story later."

"Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later."

"If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later."

"Hello and welcome to the Ten O'Clock News with me Fiona Bruce. It's not the news in my life, it's the life in my news."

"I'm Fiona Bruce, proud to be tested on animals."

"I'm Fiona Bruce, and I'm sat on the luckiest chair in Britain."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Breaking news, breaking hearts."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm the one who made the frog crazy."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. There's never a hosepipe ban when I'm around."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Forget The Da Vinci Code, I'm the one who'll bring the Catholic Church to its knees."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. When the news is good, I'm good. When it's bad, I'm better."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. If you're looking for a source of alternative energy, you've come to the right place."

"I'm Fiona Bruce; the real reason Thierry Henry is staying in Britain."

"I'm Fiona Bruce; Michael Schumacher has been stripped of his pole position from the Monaco Grand Prix, after an incident during the qualifying lap, and I've just won £50 from my producer for saying stripped, pole and lap without moving my eyebrows."

"I'm Fiona Bruce; David Cameron's first choice of luxury item."

"I'm Fiona Bruce; Play your cards right, and you could be in for a Brucey bonus!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce. I'll make Peter Crouch."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Like Britney Spears, I'm completely shaved."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Standing up, or behind the desk, it's all the same with me!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce. With rear end suspension and airbags as standard."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Now the regional news, all my regions are just as fantastic as the rest of me."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't move! I like you in that position"

"X-Men? They are when I've finished with them."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Guess where I've got my Red Nose!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce. I've kept slaves in the past but I'm not apologizing."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Gordon Brown visits me privately as well."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Have you been a good boy all year? Then it won't be me coming down your chimney at midnight; I only like bad boys!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce; My knickers are made of mistletoe."

"David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss-off during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing-off!"

"Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?"

"I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm off to play with Dom's little wood."

"I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!"

"You're watching a NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had my ballot box well and truly stuffed!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't touch what you can't afford."

"You're watching the Ten O'Clock News with me, Fiona Bruce, and like Britney, I'm also completely shaved."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. The real reason Prince William is delaying the wedding."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. The whole world's competing to lift my cup."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. There's about 100,000 people in my catchment area."

"Just starting over on BBC One is a brand new programme about the recent New Labour drama, The Project - following the story of a tiny handful of mysterious clandestine people who actually bother to watch it all the way through."

"Tomorrow night at 9 on ITV1, there'll be someone who used to be in EastEnders, or Soldier Soldier on the hunt for a serial killer. I haven't actually looked at the schedules but it's bound to be there, it usually is."

"And there's a treat in store for Drama lovers now, as this BBC Two trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies. Well, he's written everything else this weekend so he might as well write this too. It'll be just the same as the other trails really, except I'm wearing a frock coat and a top hat. You might notice something a little sexier than usual... Picture of a topless woman flashes on screen"

"Starting in a few minutes on ITV2 is Pop Rivals: Extra. Expect to see tears aplenty from those young hopefuls who've had their dreams of becoming a household name crushed... by being chosen to be in the final band."

"Later tonight on BBC Four, we've a change to our scheduled film. In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, we'll be screening Porky's Five Horny Babes in bikinis. No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I? Time for bed now, see you tomorrow!"

"Starting in a few minutes on ITV, it's the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald. Warning: may contain news."

"Friday night on BBC One, we'll discover who has won Fame Academy, as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity, and with the help of designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, throws them straight back into obscurity."

"Over on BBC One starting in a few minutes, there'll be a chance to see the advert for the BBC's new digital service. But don't worry if you miss it, because it'll be on again half-an-hour after that, and then again, and again and again right throughout the night until it reaches the stage you'll be wanting to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie!"

"Later this evening on 4 (Channel Four), we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment. That's 'Bloody Hell, That Weird Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress!', tonight at nine."

"Great news for Muppets fans this festive season. There's a Muppet's Christmas Carol on ITV, A Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One, and the Muppets Invade Baghdad and Kermit kicks Saddam's Arse on News 24."

"This festive season on BBC One, we've yet more increasingly desperate Weakest Link themed specials."

"You're watching BBC Two. Turkey curry? You sure that's a good idea?"

"Tomorrow at 9, we have a brand new reality TV series starring Chris Evans: When Bailiffs Attack!"

"Tomorrow here on 4, we have a brand new reality show: Rise. Where two presenters sit in a studio and try and vote out as many viewers as possible."

"Tomorrow night at 7:30 over on ITV1, there sees the start of a brand new series: Pets Rebuild Houses! That's followed at 8:30 by Celebrity Pets Rebuild Houses, where Carol Vorderman's terrapin redesigns Christopher Biggins's gazeebo!"

"At 8 o'clock on Saturday, our series celebrating the written word, The Story of the Novel, asks the question of why do young people no longer read books? Followed at 9 by Big Brother."

"You can see the next episode of 24 Pints(in-show spoof version of 24) at the same time next week on BBC Two. Viewers with digital satellite can watch the next episode right now over on BBC Three. And boy, do they bang on about that in the office all week!"

"Later tonight on ITV1, we see the start of a brand new series of How Clean is Your Celebrity Builder from Hell?. Where two mad women clean out Richard Blackwood's pants, while he overcharges for laying a patio."

"Later on BBC Two, we'll be showing a selection of programmes from BBC Four, so you can ignore them all over again."

"Saturday night on ITV sees the start of a brand new series, When David Jason attacks club reps with Carol Vorderman, because he's been ripped off by builders from hell! Right, and if you won't watch that, that's it. We give up! Officially. Do it yourselves! Make your own programmes!"

"There's a very special Big Brother 4 reunion this week, as seven of the housemates all apply for the same job at Burger King."

"This next programme contains images some viewers may find distressing, as we go over live to Edgbaston for England vs. South Africa."

"Later on BBC One, more makeover fun with House Invaders, as we send Anna Ryker-Richardson and Linda Barker to visit Tony Martin's farmhouse."

"Later on ITV1, more members of the general public put their wits against the odds, as they desperately try to work out what time their favourite programme will be moved to next week."

"You're watching BBC One. What, can't you afford a holiday?"

"Later tonight on The Bill there's a shock in store for the officers at Sun Hill, as a new detective arrives who has never been in another soap."

"Later tonight on BBC One, as part of our commitment to pretending we're cultural and worthy, there's groundbreaking history programming, with Looking for Queen Victoria. Followed by History, with Charles II. Followed by Ancient History, with Colosseum."

"A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy."

"You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?"

"Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode."

"Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost."

"Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!"

"And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!"

"Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV."

"Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television."

"Coming up later on BBC One, The National Lottery: Winning Lines, the big-prize quiz game where with just one call to Philip Schofield, you could really make your night. Go on, call him a twat, live on peak-time television!"

"It's 6 o'clock on BBC Two, and you've tuned in because you've forgotten we don't have The Simpsons anymore. No, instead we have a double bill of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every single weekday. Frankly we're just rubbing salt into the wound!"

"Tonight on 4, we're going to show one of the most highly acclaimed drama series that America has ever made, at 2:30 in the morning! In the meantime, you can watch all the shite we make here."

"Friday night sees Episode 3 of Peter Ackroyd's London. And the show's fully interactive, so at the end simply press the red button on your digital handset, and someone will come around, run a key down the side of your car and steal your wallet."

"This is Channel Four. To fulfill our remit for broadcasting daring, innovative and challenging television that may, at times, be difficult to watch - we're gonna play an episode of Friends backwards."

"This week on EastEnders, Sonia celebrates her engagement to the man who murdered her last fiancee, and he asks the person who was in the car with them to be his best man. Yeah, we know... we've stopped watching it too."

"Now on ITV, a desperate bid for ratings, as the character Tanya Turner from Footballer's Wives turns up in Bad Girls. Tomorrow, Sergeant Leyton from Heartbeat joins The Bill, and there's a new landlord at the Woolpack: Sir Trevor McDonald!"

"Now on BBC One, prestige drama, but don't worry there's plenty of guns and cleavage to get you through."

"Tonight on 4, there's another triple bill of Friends, but first there's a quick update on the scores: Channel 4 has only broadcast 28 hours of Friends this week, whilst E4 are storming ahead with 37 hours! That's just 19 hours short of total Friends saturation, and believe-me (voice turns into a Dalek) THAT-DAY-WILL-COME!"

"CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History."

"Coming up on Friday's episode of EastEnders, Ian Beale gets the result of the DNA test: and gets the shock of his life. He is human after all."

"You're watching Channel Five! Hello stranger, long time since we've seen you around here, isn't it? You used to flick by all the time when we showed soft porn all evening! Is that all we were to you!? I thought we had something special! No, no, I'm actually not gonna show you the movie now, just get out of my sight!"

"There's drama here later tonight on Five, when we finally run out of programmes about the Nazis, and realise that there's only one thing for it. We'll have to invade Poland!"

"Later on Channel Four at 10:30, Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. Then the weather at 10:32."

"(At the Argentine Tango BBC One Ident): And now on BBC One, look at the people dancing! Just look at them, aren't they pretty? They're dancing in the rain, but they don't care, they're just dancing and dancing and dancing. That lady's so pretty, I think she might be a princess. Wish I was dancing in the rain... sigh."

"Wednesday night on Destination D-Day, here on BBC One, there's a shock in store for the 15 raw recruits recreating life in a World War II training camp: when they're told that back home, 15 Americans are shagging their girlfriends."

"At 8 tomorrow on BBC Two, we've got The Good Life. That's followed by Porridge at 8:30, and later at 10 there's That Was the Week we Watched . A nostalgic programme looking back at the shows we had been watching this week in 1979: which were Porridge and The Good Life."

"This week on EastEnders, there's trouble in store for Kat Slater, when she's mistaken for a panda, tranquilized, and returned to London Zoo."

"Next on BBC Two, Top Gear, and Jeremy Clarkson reviews the best hoses for siphoning petrol out of the new Mazda MX-5."

"Thursday night on 4 at 9'o'clock, there's the second part of our disturbing documentary series Human Mutants. This week it's Dermot O'Leary."

"You're watching BBC Four, quiet isn't it? I'm eating a Bath Oliver biscuit and some rather splendid olives, um."

"It's a very special day for us on ITV now, as our new drama A Line in the Sand marks our 60th attempt of a vehicle for Ross Kemp. Let us never forget its fallen comrades."

"Coming up on ITV1, after having played a cab driver in Shame, Frank Skinner is back on another show where he's carrying a passenger, where he is co-hosting Fantasy Football with David Baddiel!"

"Tuesday night on 4, there's Big Brother, followed by Sex with Strangers, followed by EuroTrash... after which you should probably take a shower. But no matter how hard you scrub, you'll still feel dirty!!"

"(At the Ribbon Gymnasts BBC One Ident): Now on BBC One, Drama. Oh no, oh God, she's falling, somebody save her! Somebody please, save her! Oh...! Oh no, she's OK... oh... they're all OK! Phew, I was worried there for a moment!"

"This Sunday afternoon, there's football on One, tennis on Two, football on Three and cricket on Four. Welcome to Channel Five, for everyone who pretended they left their games kit on the bus!"

"Tonight on 4, we're setting aside acres of airtime to analyze the single-most important American event of the year. Yes, we've got The Simpsons. Yah, boo, sucks to you, BBC!"

"Next month on 4, a moving and thought-provoking documentary that looks at the effective decomposition on the human body after death. That's Too Dead to Wash, with Kim and Aggie!"

"All next week on ITV, we'll be screening unseen episodes of Trisha, which presumably could be any of them."

"Now on ITV1, the first of a six-part fly on the wall documentary about Jordan and Peter Andre. No, I'm not joking, I only wish I were."

"On the Frank Skinner Show this week, the singer Joss Stone and the football manager Ron Atkinson - where they both get to listen to the amusing anecdotes of special guest star, Frank Skinner."

"Coming up this evening at 7:30 here on Five, there's House Doctor, then Hot Property, then House Busters, and then House Doctor again. Yeah, it's Friday night, we know you're in the pub, so we've put some programmes on for your house to watch while you're out!"

"Friday night on ITV, and Rosemary and Thyme! There's a big shock in store for our sleuthing duo when no-one gets murdered, and the ladies are forced to do some bloody gardening for a change. Get on your knees and get your hands dirty, you lazy old biddies!"

"So, here's the rest of the day's line-up: three identical programmes about people trying to sell their house, followed by five identical programmes about people being made to live with people they're not likely to get on with. And on the other four channels, exactly the same thing."

"Imagine returns to BBC One this week, with an Arthur Miller special. America's most famous living playwright movingly discusses his early seminal work, his latest play, and his marriage to Marilyn Monroe. That's Phwoar, I gave her one! Yes really, I did!, Wednesday at 10:45."

"You're watching BBC Four. Exciting, wasn't it? A five-hour documentary about Lech Wałęsa in Welsh."

"Later on 4: Morgan and Platel, where an ex-Mirror editor and an ex-Tory spin doctor continue to spark debate around the country. Like 'if you could only punch one of them, which would it be?'"

"You're watching ITV1. Coronation Street goes all '24' this week with a series of programmes in real time! Viewers will be gripped as Jack Duckworth has only 24 hours to find and defuse one of Betty's hotpots!"

"Now here on 4, the Sex Inspectors, where a couple with difficulties in the boardroom get the chance to do the nasty on national television - while two experts get to point out to everyone what they're doing wrong. Frankly, I'd rather carry on being a crap shag!"

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green: Jordan for the Home Counties!"

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, from now on I'll be reading the news Calendar Girls-style."

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, I am shaking my Tic-Tacs at you."

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to hear me?"

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Too orangey for crows."

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, the Home Counties' very own Pussycat Doll."

"I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you...Radio 4!"

"I'm Brian Perkins. At my signal, unleash hell!"

"BBC Radio 4. I'm Kaiser Soze!"

"BBC Radio 4. I'm the Firestarter!"

"They counted without one thing. Me, Stone Cold Brian Perkins!"

"BBC Radio 4. I'm Lord Lucan!"

"I'm Brian Perkins. Harder than a fiendish sudoku on Viagra."

"BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins. Come on, feel the noise."

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I'm Brian Perkins, don't **** with me."

"BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins... the real Slim Shady."

"It's coming up to eighteen minutes past eight."

"It's coming up to seventeen minutes past twenty four."

"It's forty-two billion years since the dawn of time."

"It's time...James Naughtie got me a cup of tea!"

"The time is just an abstract construct and history is an illusion!"

"The time is just coming up to...my ankles."

"The time is just coming up to a turn off at the A42 with a Duchy on the left hand side."

"(in a 750th anniversary of Today) Thou art listening to 'Today', and just checking Stonehenge I can see that the time is approximately...spring! (laughter) Past seven."

"£250,000. 22 identical sealed boxes. A tiny, tiny beard. And no questions, except one. Where the hell do I buy my shirts?"

"You're back. Thought you would be. Let's face it you're watching television at half past four in the afternoon. Not as though you're busy."

"Twenty-two unemployed people. A quarter of the budget of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and no questions. No skill, and no idea why I get so worked up about the whole thing."

"Inside this box is either £35,000 or an enraged snake. Lucy, you've rejected every deal the banker has offered you, you've refused to swap boxes, you're tolerating me standing far, far too close to you. Lucy, keep smiling but above all, keep your face free of corrosive snake venom."

"Today, Chel-sea has won / To win, that is my job / To lose, that is to die / The league, it will be mine / A god, you're lookin' at one / And now the end is near."

"And will you hand me back me amazin' COAT OF POW-WER!"

"Sweden, where I was designed and built"

"Play "Dress up" with David Beckham, "Pin the Metatarsal" on the Rooney, and "Climb a swing" on Peter Crouch"

"I am like a peaceful lake ... filled with concrete"

"It is very bad news. They now no longer can afford basic necessities like champagne, Aston Martins, or topless maid service."

"Owen Hargreaves will be unable to afford his first-class ticket to the World Cup, so it might be more good than bad."

"They have gotten second jobs. Wayne Rooney has hired himself out as a gorilla-gram, Theo Walcott is doing his classmate's schoolwork, and Peter Crouch is a dancer for Craftsmart."

"They won't play well. And that's why I have 20 grand on Brazil. (does the Svenny dance)"

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure."

"You are Autons from the planet Tossoss!"

"[Making a prank call to the British Embassy in Berlin] Ah, is this the British Embassy? (Yes.) Ah, good evening. I am calling to warn you of an imminent Dalek invasion. (I see, sir. Can I get your name and address?) The Doctor, 325 Gallifrey Centre! [Hangs up]"

"I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when I'm Peter Davison. Better yet, wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy."

"(When a voiceover in the London Eye advises people to move to get their photo taken) Don't do it. It's a trap!"

"I travel in space and time ... and on trains"

"You are Australian, do you know my companion Tegan Jovanka? She had marvelous norks. I once asked her if I gave her five bucks if she would rub them together."

"1245, a wonderful year."

"This party's dryer than the dark side of the planet Aurelia. [spikes the eggnog and begins laughing sinisterly before sneaking away]"

"Oh, another scarf, well that's just what I need."

"Do you have change for a Gallifrian zonk?"

"You call yourself the train guard when in fact you are really THE MASTER."

"(comes out of toilet) Gaseous sulphides; low concentration; I'd give it twenty minutes."

"(when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!"

"When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair."

"Oh good, because France, Kasterborous is an absolute sh*thole!"

"We need passage to Aldershot."

"A fine cargo hold; plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two Druids, and no questions asked."

"A long time ago I had a Ford Galaxy, far far away."

"A metric speedometer. Metric; no Imperial entanglements!"

"Could it outrun Imperial vessels?"

"Could it resist a tractor beam?"

"The color of my last car was a little on the dark side."

"I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot."

"[Kenobi to Darth Vader] You cannot win, Darth. If you strike me down, you will lose your No-Claims Bonus!"

"[Vader to Kenobi, about their baguette duel] Your bakery products are weak, old man!"

"Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now."

"Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI"

"I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus."

"Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?"

"We can't use the rivers as they have been infested by the plague."

"We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle."

"Mick? I will call you Mickus"

"[when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter."

"We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde."

"Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestants, three judges, two viewers!"

"Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!"

"Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…"

"Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…"

"You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…"

"Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control."

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok."

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!"."

"I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…"

"I'm Kirsty Allsopp. I wasn't born, I was knitted"

"And I'm Phil Spencer, half man…"

"I'm Professor Robert Winston, the only Super Mario brother who didn't become a plumber" and "I'm Professor Robert Winston, a shrink-wrapped version of Tom Selleck."

"Hello I'm Nicky Hambleton-Jones, the body of a Barbie doll, the soul of a Great White Shark!"

"Hello I'm Bill Oddie. Half man, Half compost heap."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, the missing link between man and shrub."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. I used to be big in the seventies, but then again - so was the three day week."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. Don't be frightened of my beard, it's just to make predators think I'm bigger than I really am."

"Hello, I'm Gabby Logan, half woman, half jockstrap!"

"I'm Graham Norton, the last Kenneth Williams in the shop."

"I am Anne Robinson: Judge Dredd in an Armani trouser suit and I will be obeyed!"

"Hello, I'm Stellios [Haji-Ioannou]. The beloved lovechild of Pavarotti and a shish kebab."

"My name is William Hague, Conservative Party Leader. And I refuse to be referred to as the illegitimate spawn of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Parsons."

"Hello, and welcome to Bargain Hunt, with me, David Dickinson, the love child of Peter Stringfellow and a mahogany hat stand."

"I'm Jeremy Kyle, pimp my Kilroy..."

"I'm Jeremy Kyle, no you can't have your dinner money back!"

"Hi, I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak it would say, "Hi I'm Nick Ross"."

"Hello, I'm John Craven, just think of me as a decaffeinated Nick Ross."

"Hello, I'm Gillian McKeith, Pol Pot in a lab coat"

"My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Shut up, I am!"

"My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Not a lot of people know that."

"Neil Morrissey — Host"

"Chris Barrie — Himself"

"Richard Hammond — Himself"

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: Ten Things You Never Knew You Shouldn't Do""

"Barry Cryer: "Melody Maker: Stones Make Comeback""

"Graeme Garden: "Express Sport: Moses Names Ten for Sunday""

"Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' drops to Number 8""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Graven Image Manufacturers Protest At New Guidelines""

"Willie Rushton: "The Star: Kylie Minogue is Star Bird - 'Covet Neighbours Ass'""

"Willie Rushton: "Le Figaro: French Government Spokesman says "Smoking Can Seriously Damage Your Health"""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Mail: "English Hooligans Burnt My Daughter" says Mrs. Arc""

"Graeme Garden: "The Star: Phew! What a Scorcher!""

"Barry Cryer: "Green News: Woodburning French Threat To Ozone Layer""

"Willie Rushton: "The Cricketer: England Win Ashes""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: French Filly Flambé (translation on page 8)""

"Barry Cryer: "Daily Mail: Government Knives Out For Fawkes""

"Willie Rushton: "Financial Times: Boom Fails To Materialise""

"Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Fuse! What A Scorcher!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Guardian: Remember, Remember, The Fourth Of November""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Star: Guy Fawkes It Up""

"Willie Rushton: "The Sun: Freddie Starr Ate My Banger""

"Graeme Garden: "Exchange & Mart: Will Swap 8 Barrels Of Gunpowder For 1 Asbestos Suit""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: Spiritualist's Weekly: Now There'll Be Fireworks!""

"Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Universe Manufacturer Goes Out Of Business After 6 Days""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Lancet: BMA Warn Rib Transplants Can Cause Lumps On Chest""

"Barry Cryer: "Daily Star: "I'm Over The Moon", Says God""

"Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Snake Problem At Theme Park - Last Two Visitors Forced To Leave""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Nothing Happened Yesterday""

"Willie Rushton: "Irish Times: Genesis Good For You""

"Graeme Garden: "News of the World: Spot The Apple and Win A Skoda""

"Barry Cryer: "Dog Breeder's Gazette: Great Dane puts self down!""

"Willie Rushton: "The Times: Blair says whittling-down of royal family a success""

"Graeme Garden: "The Stage: Touring players unexpectedly available for panto""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Express: Reprint of Ophelia's Panorama interview in full, where she says a surfeit of lampreys was just a cry for help""

"Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline 'Laughter at Elsinore' should have read 'Slaughter at Erinsbrough'""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun tells the Prince: Just Be!""

"Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Danish Bloodbath - No Britons Hurt""

"Barry Cryer: "Gay News: Macbeth Outed - Admits laying on MacDuff""

"Willie Rushton: "The Guardian: Borehamwood seen approaching Dungeness""

"Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Phew! What a Scotsman!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Scotsman: Och! Eye of Newt!""

"Willie Rushton: "Glasgow Herald: Pioneering test-tube baby kills King""

"Graeme Garden: "Woman's Own: Delia's recipe for Duncan Doughnuts""

"Graeme Garden: "London Evening Standard: Tube Strike Off""

"Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Brutus Splashed it All Over""

"Willie Rushton: "Daily Mirror: Julius Caesar is Ides Victim""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Sunday Sport: Brutus Ate Two Hamsters!""

"Graeme Garden: "Lancashire Evening Post: Mark Antony Comes to Bury""

"Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline should have read 'Caesar Slayed' not 'Caesar Salad'""

"Willie Rushton: "Daily Telegraph: New Caesar, New Danger""

"Barry Cryer: "Rome Standard: Omnia Caesar in Tres Partes Divisa Est""

"Graeme Garden: "Daily Star: Yon Cassius has a Lean & Hungry Look...is it Bulimia?""

"Graeme Garden: "Tailor & Cutter: Sketchleys opens new branch in Rome""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Samson Obituary, 2 Columns, Page 8""

"Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: Oh, Oh, Oh, Delilah!""

"Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's feature headed 'Delias Hints on Kippers' should have read 'Delilahs Hints on Clippers'""

"Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: In yesterday's report, Delilah's statement should have read 'I love cutting men's locks off'...not 'socks'""

"Graeme Garden: "Daily Telegraph: Police chief says 'He was a accident waiting to happen'""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Telegraph: French Farmer's Protest Reaches London""

"Stephen Fry: "The Scotsman: Tee hee hee""

"Barry Cryer: "Yorkshire Evening Post: Leeds Man Singed""

"Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: London's Burning - Police Suspect Arse""

"Graeme Garden: "And on page 8 of the Guardian, yesterday's headline "Paula, to be reconstructed by Christopher Wren", should have read "St Pauls, to be reconstructed by Christ knows when"""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Financial Times: Capital Goes Up""

"Graeme Garden: "The People: Phew! What A Scorcher!""

"Stephen Fry: "Insurance Weekly: Oh Bugger""

"Barry Cryer: "The Lancet: Plague Cure A Success""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Thames Water Chief Justifies Bonus At Last""

"Barry Cryer: "The Sport: Elvis Seen In Pudding Lane""

"Graeme Garden: "The News of the World: Phew! What A Scorcher!""

"Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: Newt Technolody Spills End To Mispronts""

"Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Caxton Shows Off New Dress""

"Graeme Garden: "Ye Mirror: Monks Down Quills in Protest""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Publishers Weekly: 'Fly Fishing' by J.R. Hartley made possible by good old middle ages""

"Stephen Fry: "The Sun: Up Yours Gutenberg!""

"Barry Cryer: "Software Weekly: Mouse On Press Gives Caxton New Idea""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Monte Carlo Times: Rothmans to Sponsor Raleigh""

"Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Goodbye Mr. Chips""

"Fred MacAulay: "Financial Times: Chancellor admits he may have blundered with 'Tax on Potatoes' scheme""

"Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Queen says 'Great Shag Walter'""

"Barry Cryer: "OK! Magazine: Queen's Potato Goes Out - Exclusive Pictures""

"Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Raleigh Helps Queen to Cross Poodle""

"Graeme Garden: "Sunday Sport: Alien Spud Stole My Fags""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Independent: Oedipus Rex blinds himself after marrying his mother, Jocasta""

"Graeme Garden: "The Express: 'I've Stopped Seeing Her', says Oedipus""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Exclusive - Oedipus to become a Referee""

"Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Oedipus Lights Potato by Mistake""

"Barry Cryer: Oh, I see your glass is empty...do you mind if I put my teeth in?"

"Willie Rushton: I say baby, let's lock Zimmer frames and rattle till we drop!"

"Graeme Garden: Hello...Who am I??"

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: No, that's a war wound! Fancy a Horlicks?"

"Graeme Garden: How's your back?"

"Willie Rushton: Is that your colostomy bag, or are you just pleased to see me?"

"Barry Cryer: Your place or back to the sheltered accommodation?"

"Graeme Garden: I could take you to a hip joint!"

"Barry Cryer: I want to put my tongue in your ear - take your deaf-aid out!"

"Graeme Garden: I want to run my fingers through your hair, so pass it over."

"Graeme Garden: "Cough!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Nurse, I'm out of bed again!""

"Barry Cryer: "Have you got any glasses? - I've found a bottle.""

"Stephen Fry: "Did anyone tell you you've got acute angina?""

"Graeme Garden: "I hear you're looking for a fine specimen.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've got the most beautiful new eyes.""

"Stephen Fry: "I must say I admire your guts - Will the doctor let you keep them?""

"Barry Cryer: "Did the bowels move for you?""

"Stephen Fry: "Oh gallstones! - I thought that was a pistachio nut, I'm sorry!""

"Barry Cryer: "I can make a patient without disturbing the bed.""

"Stephen Fry: "Seeing you in those stirrups, I thought you were Michael Howard.""

"Graeme Garden: "I want you to have my babies...vaccinated.""

"Stephen Fry: "Is your leg up in plaster, or are you just pleased to see me?""

"Graeme Garden: "No, I wouldn't call that a big end.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Give me your chassis number, and if you're free next week, I'll book you in for a service.""

"Barry Cryer: "Is this a gear stick, or am I just pleased to see you?""

"Jeremy Hardy: "I'll just roll you up onto the pavement and then we won't be in anybody's way.""

"Graeme Garden: "It'll cost you...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "What's a nice grill like you doing in a body like this?""

"Graeme Garden: "I prefer a manual.""

"Barry Cryer: "Let's play petrol pumps..."

"Graeme Garden: "...and while we're at it, why don't we test for emissions?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've just put the lead back in my petrol!""

"Barry Cryer: "You've been turning this back, you little clock-teaser!""

"Jeremy Hardy: "You can always expect a bit of rattling in one this age.""

"Barry Cryer: "Do you want to put it in first?""

"Jeremy Hardy: "I'll give you a jump start and that should get you going in no time.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "This looks like a tow job to me.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "I'm going to have to get underneath.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'll be ready by Friday.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "You realise this thing is just an extension of my car...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I say - now that's a habit I wouldn't mind getting into!""

"Tony Hawks: "I can think of something I'd like you to alter, boy!""

"Graeme Garden: "How would you like to be one of the lay sisterhood?""

"Tony Hawks: "If anyone can, the canon can.""

"Graeme Garden: "You'll find that I move in mysterious ways.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Please kneel... and while you're kneeling...""

"Graeme Garden: "I've got a jacuzzi font!""

"Tony Hawks: "When you've done pulling the bells...""

"Barry Cryer: "You stay here and I'll go and change - my vests are in the pantry, and my pants are in the vestry!""

"Tony Hawks: "Good Friday? I'll make it even better!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Right, get your habit, you've pulled!""

"Stephen Fry: "All POWs are welcome to share my tunnel.""

"Barry Cryer: "Hello, I'm from the disposal squad. Does my bomb look big in this?""

"Graeme Garden: "Put that light out!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's alright - I said V.E.""

"Stephen Fry: "Those Fokkers have given me an idea...""

"Graeme Garden: "I've been trained how to handle bazookas.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I think we should both take off our gasmasks first... Oh, you already have!""

"Stephen Fry: "You don't know what a dishonourable discharge is? Well, let me enlighten you.""

"Barry Cryer: "We could lie down on that..." "A sandbag?!""

"Graeme Garden: "They say we should all pull together.""

"Stephen Fry: "Stop, or I'll shoot!""

"Graeme Garden: "I'm going in...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is that a spike on your helmet, or are you just pleased to see me?""

"Graeme Garden: "It's called a siren suit, because everyone who sees it goes oooowwwwwwwwww!""

"Phill Jupitus: "Don't worry, it'll grow!""

"Graeme Garden: "Hiya, Cynth!""

"Graeme Garden: "'Allo Vera!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Do you think it's better in a bed, or up against the wall?""

"Barry Cryer: "Put your wellies on, you've pulled!""

"Phill Jupitus: "Could you help me find the clematis?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I suppose a fork's out of the question?""

"Graeme Garden: "Come and see the potting shed, it's where I prick out then harden off.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Ireland, Dermot Ologist, Mike Rosurgery, Eamonn Thesicklist & Sean Parts.""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Sthetic, & their daughter, Anna Sthetic, & her aunty Septic.""

"Barry Cryer: "From Wales, Di Agnosis, Win Deetum & Morgan Transplant.""

"Willie Rushton: "From Scandinavia, it doesn't really matter where, Lars Toplast.""

"Graeme Garden: "And his pet hippo, Craticoath.""

"Barry Cryer: "Oh, there's Sue Positry - she's going up in the world!""

"Graeme Garden: "Here's Reggie Strar & Des Infectant.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Dr. Watson nursing Holmes. What's the trouble Holmes? - Alimentary, my dear Watson.""

"Willie Rushton: "Here come the Appliances, & their son, Sir Jekyll.""

"Graeme Garden: "And his collie, Wobbles.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Don't leave the aspirins by the bird cage - the parrots eat 'em all!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Someone's just caught a streptomouse, in that trap you catch streptomice in. Give him mouse-to-mouse immediately.""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Umenema, & their son, Barry.""

"Graeme Garden: "Sir Osis-of-the-Liver, Sir Gerry Hours, & Prof. E. Lactic""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Roids, and their daughter, Emma, with their friend, farmer Giles""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Zeensinthewaitingroom, & their ten-year-old, Maggie""

"Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - with Dame Kiri Opodist, some Tunisian balancers...they're a sort of Affro dizzy act, & a canary that does impressions of a doctor...a chirpy-chirpy-GP-GP""

"Willie Rushton: "The Collar family, and their son, Doug""

"Graeme Garden: "The Right Honourable Charles Ismay-Shepherd, & his father, the Lord Ismay-Shepherd""

"Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - a parade of knickerless parsons. There are so many of them in a line, they'll get a queue rate. Luckily we have a rev counter!""

"Barry Cryer: "Here's Spike Milligan in his Goon persona, representing smooth slip-on Y-fronts - Eccles Easy Elastical""

"Willie Rushton: "Mr & Mrs Nod, and their son, Si""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Be Christian, and try not to laugh at the entrance of J-J-J-Justin Pediment""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A strange couple from the church - a beadle & an abbot - they've formed an unholy alliance to produce Beadles Abbot""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Meek, and their saintly son, blessed Arthur Meek""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Jenny Flect, Di O'Cese, and Ann Glicanchurch""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Ashun-of-the-Magi, and their son, Theodore Ashun-of-the-Magi""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Rendeth-Thelesson, and their son, Andy""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Ment, & their newt, Esther Ment""

"Barry Cryer: "A party from the Wild West - all the way from Dirge City - Hearse Cartright, Gene Mortuary, with Roy Rogers and his horse Triggermortis""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: From Wales - "Di the Death, who appears to be having a coffin fit""

"Graeme Garden: From Scotland - "Lord Wreath""

"Barry Cryer: "Also from Wales - that cheerful soul, Happy Taff, and his brother who's prone to laxatives, Senna Taff, with their friend Ed Stone""

"Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - Tomb Jones singing The Last Vaults""

"Barry Cryer: "Harry Secombe's gossiping in the corner - Oh! Bitch you 'Arry!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Scotland - a crazy stone carver - Mon, your mental mason! - he's just had to inter Flora""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Daddy & Mummy Fied""

"Graeme Garden: "The Gee sisters, Ella and Ula - they've been laid to rest a few times""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Sweden, Lars Rights and Lars Post""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Stover, and their father, Pa Stover""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Vault, and their agricultural son, farmer Lee""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From the West Country, Eliza Body""

"Graeme Garden: "An old soul known as Wi'am - he's looking rough - we call him the wreck Wi'am. He trims the grass in the cemetery - he's just crept into the crypt, cropped & crept out again!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Australia, the grave-faced Digger Pitt""

"Barry Cryer: "Alec Douglas-Exhume""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Cottatiling, and their son, Terry Cottatiling""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Scleavage, and their daughter, Jean Scleavage""

"Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Wallcarpetting, and their son, Walter Wallcarpetting""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Backtofinishthejobonthursdayhonestguv, and their daughter, Isla""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennett-thatstwicetheestimate, and their son, Gordon Bennett-thatstwicetheestimate""

"Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Lottleaftoberepainted, and their son, Theo Lottleafttoberepainted""

"Graeme Garden: "From Ireland, Brendan Beam and James Joist, and also Con Crete and Mick Ser...""

"Barry Cryer: "And their friends Mr & Mrs O'Doors, and their son, Paddy O'Doors""

"Stephen Fry: "It's high society entrance now, we welcome the noble group, it's Lady Foundationsfirst, Lord Watermess, filthy Prince Everywhere, Count Thecostlater & Baron Bankaccount""

"Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time, introduced by Roy Hod - The Pointer Sisters, and a special item - Wagner's Damntheguttering""

"Stephen Fry: "There's the Menders family - Rhoda Menders - she digs having her ass felt!"

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Kingood, and their daughter, May Kingood""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Chanceofacupoftea, and their son, Henny""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Foursugarsinminelove, and their daughter, Olive Foursugarsinminelove""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Alouetta, and their son, Jonty""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Fembargo, and their cousin, British Bea Fembargo""

"Andy Hamilton: "From the French farming community, Madame Leadsintothecattletrough & Monsewer Leadsintothecattletrough""

"Barry Cryer: "Jacques Delores and his mother, Mère Delores... what did Ma say? She's bored, oh!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs That-Holeinthegroundcantbeatoilet, and their daughter, Shirley""

"Andy Hamilton: "Monsieur et Madame Theotherone, and their cynical son, Paul Theotherone""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr Sayezze and his llama - that's Llama Sayezze" (La Marseillaise)"

"Andy Hamilton: "Monsieur et Madame Isthesoundof-Aracingcar, and their son, Pierre Isthesoundof-Aracingcar""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Who is that hesitating in the doorway? It's Mr & Mrs Cordial's Aunt from France... come on T'Aunt Cordial""

"Barry Cryer: "Oh no! Someone has switched round the signs on the Ladies and Gents - what a two loos low trick!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Alrightforaholidaybutyouwouldntwanttolivethere, and their son, Francis""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Strap, and their son, Hamish - Jock was held up""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Baxter, and their incontinent dog, the Baxters' Cocker - Leakie""

"Fred MacAulay: "My friend Doris, and she's usually accompanied by someone from the medical profession, normally a large... oh no, it's just a wee Doc'n'Doris""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Verness, and their unpopular son, Iain - it seems that for some reason people loathe Iain""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Johnbrownandqueenvictoriadid, and their daughter, Bet""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Demicles, and their clarinet-playing, Hamilton 'Acker' Demicles""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Dothatoryourdead, and their daughter, Donna Dothatoryourdead""

"Graeme Garden: Mr & Mrs Midlothian, and their son, Arthur. Hello Arthur, Mother well?"

"Fred MacAulay: "Mr & Mrs O'Groats, and their daughter, Tracy""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennetthowmuchlongeristhiswomenscurlinggoingonfor, and their son, Gordon Bennetthowmuchlongeristhiswomenscurlinggoingonfor""

"Fred MacAulay: "Delightful to see the Housemuirs, and their son, Stan... and the Sideacademys, and their son, Kelvin""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Kleinensinker, and their son, Hugh Kleinensinker""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Otts, and their daughter, Maggie, known to us all as Mag Otts""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Forcatchingshrimps, and their daughter, Annette""

"Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Codfingers, and their young son, Chris P. Codfingers""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bigguns-Lately, and their son, Courtney Bigguns-Lately""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Atthesizeofthisone, and their son Luke""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Twiteshark, and their son, Gray Twiteshark""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Noah with a big boat load of carp - he's the carp ark attendant""

"Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Mer, and their daughter, Freda""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Triceel, and their son, Alec Triceel""

"Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Tine, and their exceptionally tall son, long Gus""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab, and their son, Gordon Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab""

"Barry Cryer: "All the proceeds from tonight's ball are going to a refuge for battered fish""

"Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Mandments, and their son, Tinker Mandments.""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Thebeginning, and their son, Ian.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs, will you welcome please, Mr & Mrs Calf, and their overweight son, Ted. That's right, the fat Ted Calf.""

"Stephen Fry: "Please welcome Mr & Mrs Babel, and their daughter, Tara Babel.""

"Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Sam Lilah, and Sam's son, Andy Lilah.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Will you welcome please, Mr & Mrs Wallscametumblingdown, and their son, Andy.""

"Stephen Fry: "And Mr & Mrs Tine, and their daughter, Phyllis.""

"Barry Cryer: "Welcome, please, Ruth from The Archers, and her husband - 'Noooo-ah!'""

"Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Ismaywashpot, and their son, Moab Ismaywashpot.""

"Barry Cryer: "Paul McCartney carrying a hive - containing his Macca bees.""

"Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Gravenimageshaltthouworship, and their daughter, Nora Gravenimageshaltthouworship.""

"Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Bennetthesonlygoneandpartedtheredsea, and their son, Gordon Bennetthesonlygoneandpartedtheredsea.""

"Barry Cryer: "From Germany, Herr and Frau Upthyloins, and their son, Gert.""

"Stephen Fry: "And from Wales, Mr & Mrs Aneye, and their son, Ifor Aneye.""

"Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome please, Mr & Mrs Seekersallowance, and their son, Job.""

"Barry Cryer: "All the way from China, Mr & Mrs Ming-Slang, and their son Rai Ming-Slang. He's a banker...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Esticproduct, and their chubby son Dominic, better known as the Gross Dom Esticproduct""

"Phill Jupitus: "The financially irresponsible family from Ireland, the O'Verdrawns""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Millionquid, whose son hasn't come with them, because Arthur Millionquid doesn't go very far these days!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Inacardboardboxnow, and their daughter Olive Inacardboardboxnow""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Coulddoabetterjobaschancellor, and their three-year-old son Tommy Coulddoabetterjobaschancellor""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Holders, and their children Sonny and Cher Holders.""

"Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennetttheeconomysinahellofamess, and their son Gordon Brown.""

"Rob Brydon: "Please welcome Mr. & Mrs. Lee, and their facially hirsute son Bearded Col.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "All the way from Australia, please welcome Jeff, his father was English, his mother was from Iran... Yes, that's right, he's a Pomeranian!" (Jack: "Awww bless, he's so proud of that one, wasn't he?")"

"Graeme Garden: "A warm welcome, if you please, for Mr. & Mrs. Turepoodle, and their daughter Minnie Turepoodle.""

"Rob Brydon: "Please welcome Mr. & Mrs. Satian, and their son Al.""

"Barry Cryer: "All the way from Italy to the dog lovers' ball we say 'Ciao!', and welcome Signore e Signora Forgetatheplasticbagwhenyoutakeathedogforawalk, and their lovely daughter Donna Forgetatheplasticbagwhenyoutakeathedogforawalk.""

"Graeme Garden: "Will you all welcome please Mr. & Mrs. Russell, and their son Bertrand.""

"Rob Brydon: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mr. & Mrs. Lapdog, and their unpopular daughter Shit Sue.""

"Graeme Garden: "Closely followed by Mr. & Mrs. Pavement, and their unpleasant daughter Foul Lindy Pavement.""

"Rob Brydon: "Time for music now, ladies and gentlemen, from the Pointer Sisters, all great looking bitches...""

"Graeme Garden: "Welcome please Mr. & Mrs. Zact, and their violent son Dangerous Doug Zact.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "They've come with their friend, the Prince of Wales. Now that is a Pedigree Chum.""

"Graeme Garden: "Welcome please Mr. & Mrs. Bennettcantyoustopyourdoghumpingmyleg, and their son Gordon Bennettcantyoustopyourdoghumpingmyleg.""

"Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Swall, and their son Adrian Swall.""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Nottoofarifyoufancyadaytrip, and their son Francis...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Sburycathedral, and their son Saul Sburycathedral." (Jack: "They don't get any better, so I shouldn't start...")"

"Tony Hawks: "Please welcome Mr & Mrs Youcantreallywanttovisitswindon and their daughter Shirley Youcantreallywanttovisitswindon.""

"Tony Hawks: "From Wales, yes, Mr & Mrs Fodd and their rather cold son Ice Ted Fodd.""

"Graeme Garden: "Welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Two and their son Theo." (Barry: "Theo Two?")"

"Tony Hawks: "Please welcome Mr & Mrs Mansabitweirdyoudontwanttogothere, and their daughter Isla Mansabitweirdyoudontwanttogothere.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A big welcome, please, for Mr & Mrs Ratesstadium and their daughter Emma Ratesstadium... Go the Gunners!""

"Barry Cryer: "The Outlaw Josey Quails""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "9½ Beaks""

"Willie Rushton: "The Forbidden Gannet""

"Willie Rushton: "All Quiet on the Crested Grebe""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dan Quail in Cuckoo's Talking""

"Graeme Garden: "Sean Canary in Licensed to Trill""

"Graeme Garden: "Back to the Vulture""

"Barry Cryer: "There's a Gull in my Soup""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A Tern of the Screw""

"Willie Rushton: "The Maltese Ptarmigan""

"Graeme Garden: "Duck Tracy""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Moby Tit""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Waders of the Lost Ark""

"Graeme Garden: "The Sound of Emu Sick""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cole Porter's Anything Goose""

"Willie Rushton: "The Merry Widgeon""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Pied Wagtails of the Unexpected""

"Barry Cryer: "Steve McQueen in Poulet""

"Graeme Garden: "Hudson Hawk - that was a real turkey!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh What a Lovely Warbler!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Last of the Red Hot Plovers""

"Graeme Garden: "Nightjar on Elm Street""

"Graeme Garden: "My Left Coot""

"Graeme Garden: "Anything starring Joan Collins - apparently she's seen a cockatoo!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Hatchback Of Notre Dame""

"Barry Cryer: "Die Lada""

"Willie Rushton: "Paint Your Volkswagen""

"Graeme Garden: "Robin Reliant: Prince Of Thieves""

"Barry Cryer: "Alfa Romeo & Juliet, Comedy Of Sierras, and Much Ado About Vauxhall starring Richard Gear""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fiddler On The Roof Rack""

"Graeme Garden: "Lady Chatterley's Rover""

"Graeme Garden: "One Of Our Airbags Is Nissan""

"Willie Rushton: "The Touch Of Hillman Minx""

"Graeme Garden: "Dipstick On Your Collar""

"Graeme Garden: "Virginia Mechanic in Lead Free, with Subaru the Elephant Boy""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Head Gasket of Alfredo Garcia!""

"Barry Cryer: "Cortina Turner in What's Shove Got To Do With It?""

"Graeme Garden: "Alvis Presley in Love Me Fender""

"Barry Cryer: "The High and The Mitre""

"Willie Rushton: "All Quiet On The Western Font""

"Graeme Garden: "A Fistful of Dog-Collars""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Seven Deadly Synods with Charlie Chaplain, James Dean, Richard Prior, Russ Abbot as Captain Kirk, and not forgetting Nicholas Parsons... on second thoughts, you can forget Nicholas Parsons""

"Barry Cryer: "What's Up Flock?""

"Barry Cryer: "Silence of the Banns with Hannibal Rector""

"Graeme Garden: "Bill & Ted's Excellent Advent""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "An Officer and A Gentle Nun""

"Barry Cryer: "Cloister Encounters""

"Graeme Garden: "Pope Eye""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "April in Parish""

"Graeme Garden: "Cleric the Viking""

"Willie Rushton: "Bend Over the Cathedral Choir""

"Graeme Garden: "The Abbess starring Liz Taylor with Hymn number 83""

"Barry Cryer: "The Padre's Over""

"Graeme Garden: "The First In The Pew starring Winston Church-Hall""

"Willie Rushton: "Tom Courtney in The Blesser""

"Graeme Garden: "Psalm Song and Delilah""

"Barry Cryer: "The splendour of the Bank of England - The Madness of Eddie George""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "North by NatWest, starring The Loan Arranger & Tonto""

"Graeme Garden: "The famous historical romp, Dow Jones, starring Albert FT""

"Willie Rushton: "The Snows of Kilimangirobank""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring me the Statement of Alfredo Garcia""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Tessa the d'Urbervilles""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Nick Leeson's tragic story - Back to the Futures""

"Willie Rushton: "The Grapes of Rothschild""

"Graeme Garden: "A new horror film - Croak - in which a bank is invaded by hundreds of frogs going 'Credit, Credit'""

"Graeme Garden: "Withdrawal & I""

"Graeme Garden: "Nightsafe on Elm Street""

"Barry Cryer: "Debit Winger & Bette Midland in A Start is Overdrawn""

"Graeme Garden: "Sharon Stone in Basic Interest Rate""

"Willie Rushton: "They Died With Their Coutts On""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Hobnobs & Breadsticks""

"Barry Cryer: "McVitie Vitie Bang Bang""

"Willie Rushton: "The Singing Digestive""

"Graeme Garden: "The First Wives Club""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Bath Oliver Twist & the Artful Jammy Dodger""

"Barry Cryer: "La Dolce Ryvita""

"Willie Rushton: "Glen Garibaldi, Glen Ross""

"Graeme Garden: "Ghandibaldi directed by Biccy Attenborough""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cream Cracker, East of Java""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Crispbread of Alfredo Garcia""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mutant Ginger-Nut Turtles""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Penguin Has Landed""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A Ryvita Runs Through It""

"Graeme Garden: "Flash Bourbon""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Crumbs of Navarone""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lord of the Squashed Flies starring Jack Lemon Puff""

"Barry Cryer: "Paint Your Wagon Wheel""

"Graeme Garden: "J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobnob""

"Graeme Garden: "Cambazola, East of Java""

"Barry Cryer: "The Edambusters""

"Stephen Fry: "The Rock Fort""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Guns of Mascarpone""

"Barry Cryer: "Fromage to Eternity""

"Graeme Garden: "King Kong v Gorgonzola""

"Stephen Fry: "Three Men and A Babybel""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Cheddar Of Alfredo Garcia""

"Stephen Fry: "Cheeses of Nazareth""

"Barry Cryer: "Cheddar Gabler""

"Graeme Garden: "The Hunt For Red Leicester""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cheese Straw Dogs""

"Graeme Garden: "Lady Windermere's Bee""

"Barry Cryer: "Stinging In The Rain with Gene Jelly""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Planet Of The Apiaries""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Honey, I Stung The Kids""

"Barry Cryer: "Silence Of The Bees with Hannibal Nectar""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Cruel Bee""

"Graeme Garden: "The Sting""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy 2""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Bee""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Her Bee Rides Again""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy 3""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Temporarily Blinded Bee - Beedazzled""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Hive Of Alfredo Garcia""

"Graeme Garden: "The Bee Who Shot Liberty Valence""

"Graeme Garden: "The Bee In The Iron Mask""

"Graeme Garden: "Twelve Angry Bees""

"Graeme Garden: "Bee Hur by Cecil Wasp DeMille""

"Graeme Garden: "Citizen Bee""

"Jeremy Hardy: "The Passion Of The Chrysler""

"Barry Cryer: "Forrest Sump""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Grease""

"Jo Brand: "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Combustion""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Brake Pads At Tiffany's""

"Jo Brand: "The Lexus Chainsaw Massacre""

"Barry Cryer: "Clutch Cassidy And The Sundance Skid""

"Jeremy Hardy: "In Graeme's honour, Bring Me The Head Gasket Of Alfredo Garcia""

"Jo Brand: "My Fair Lada""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Four-by-Four Weddings And A Funeral""

"Jo Brand: "Pride and Furry Dice""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Daewoo Of The Jackal""

"Jo Brand: "Mrs. Backfire""

"Jeremy Hardy: "A Daewoo At The Races""

"Jeremy Hardy: "The Daewoo The Earth Stood Still""

"Jeremy Hardy: "A Daewoo In The Death Of Joe Egg" (Barry: Oh, shut up!)"

"Jeremy Hardy: "The Daewoo After Tomorrow" (Barry: Where's your gong, Jack, for God's sake!?)"

"Jeremy Hardy: "Herbie Goes For His Annual Service""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Herbie Fails His M.O.T.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Herbie Needs Extensive Welding Because Of Rust On The Underside""

"David Mitchell: "A Staropramen Is Born""

"Graeme Garden: "Grolsch Encounters Of The Third Kind""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Piddler On The Roof...""

"Barry Cryer: "...starring Tipple""

"Graeme Garden: "Invasion of the Boddington Snatchers""

"Barry Cryer: "Born On The Froth Of July""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Flagon""

"Graeme Garden: "Stop The World, I Want To Throw Up""

"Barry Cryer: "Schindler's Pissed""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Creamy Head Of Alfredo Garcia""

"Graeme Garden: "The Vicar Man""

"Barry Cryer: "Winnie the Pew""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Know What You Did Last Supper""

"David Mitchell: "Dude, Where's My Cardinal?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Nuns of Navarone""

"Graeme Garden: "Chaplain""

"Barry Cryer: "Confessions of a Stained Glass Window Cleaner""

"David Mitchell: "Altar President's Men""

"Graeme Garden: "Predator vs. Episcopalian""

"Barry Cryer: "Waiting for God, Oh...""

"David Mitchell: "Anointment with Death""

"Graeme Garden: "Gunfight at the Bach Chorale""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "One Jehovah the Cuckoo's Nest""

"Graeme Garden: "Break Me the Bread of Alfredo Garcia""

"Barry Cryer: "The Filling of Sister George""

"Miles Jupp: "Schindler's Listerine""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fatal Extraction""

"Graeme Garden: "Decay of the Jackal""

"Miles Jupp: "The Dark Knight Rinses""

"Graeme Garden: "Enamuelle""

"Barry Cryer: "Butch Cavity and the Sundance Kid""

"Miles Jupp: "Being John Malkovich's Oral Hygenist""

"Barry Cryer: "Jaws""

"Miles Jupp: "Men in Plaque""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Flossed in Translation""

"Graeme Garden: "Top Set starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Vitis""

"Miles Jupp: "The Gums of Navarrone""

"Barry Cryer: "A Bridge Too Far""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Root 66""

"Miles Jupp: "Trading Braces""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "An Inconvenient Tooth""

"Barry Cryer: "Dial 'M' For Molar""

"Miles Jupp: "The Thomas Crown Repair""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dirty Harrogate""

"Barry Cryer: "Some Like It Otley""

"Caroline Quentin: "T'Good, T'Bad and Th'Ugly""

"Tony Hawks: "Truly Madly Keighley""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Jurassic Parkin""

"Caroline Quentin: "Forrest Eeh-By-Gump""

"Barry Cryer: "The Full Brontë""

"Caroline Quentin: "The Fred Trueman Show""

"Barry Cryer: "Sheepless in Settle""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Tha' Don't Know Tha' Born... Identity""

"Caroline Quentin: "One Flew Over T'Pigeon Loft""

"Tony Hawks: "Ey-Up, Pompeii""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Castleford Tigers, Hidden Dragon""

"Caroline Quentin: "About a Boycott""

"Barry Cryer: "From Hull to Eternity""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Summat Abaht Mary""

"Tony Hawks: "Eee, Tea!""

"Barry Cryer: "Peter Pan's People""

"John Finnemore: "Dial 'Boney M' for Murder""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "How Deep is Your Love in the Time of Cholera""

"Tony Hawks: "Chariots of Earth, Wind and Fire""

"Barry Cryer: "Village People of the Damned""

"Tony Hawks: "Some Like It Hot, Hot, Hot""

"John Finnemore: "I Know What You Did, Donna Summer""

"Tony Hawks: "Jiving Miss Daisy""

"John Finnemore: "Inglorious Gaynor""

"Tony Hawks: "It's Raining A Few Good Men""

"Barry Cryer: "The Count of Monte Disco""

"Tony Hawks: "Star Trek and the Wrath of Chaka Khan""

"Rev. Richard Coles: "A Streetcar Named Messiah""

"Rachel Parris: "10 Things I Hate About Pews""

"Alexander Armstrong: "Oppenhymnbook""

"Tony Hawks: "One Flew Over the Curate's Vest""

"Alexander Armstrong: "Taken... from Matthew Chapter 2 Beginning at Verse 5""

"Tony Hawks: "Flock, Frock and Two Smoking Carols""

"Rev. Richard Coles: "The Nuns of Navarrone""

"Rachel Parris: "101 Galatians""

"Alexander Armstrong: "Field of Dreams... Or in the Parish Hall if Wet""

"Tony Hawks: "Honey I Shrank the Congregation""

"Alexander Armstrong: "Straight Outta Compline""

"Tony Hawks: "Welby Does Dallas""

"Rev. Richard Coles: "Lost in Transubstantiation""

"Henning Wehn: "Das Bolton""

"Tony Hawks: "Reservoir Clogs""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "Paint Your Wigan""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Some Like It Hotpot""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "Dial M6 for Murder""

"Tony Hawks: "Pie Hard""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "The Whippets of Eastwick""

"Tony Hawks: "Pennine and a Half Weeks""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "Chorley and the Chocolate Factory""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Bootlejuice""

"Henning Wehn: "A Bamber Bridge Too Far""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Raiders of the Lost Arkwright""

"Tony Hawks: "Captain Corelli's Mam's Not In""

"Adrian Edmondson: "24 Hour Pasty People""

"Rachel Parris: "The Way We Wurzel""

"Henning Wehn: "The Yeovil Wears Prada""

"Miles Jupp: "Die Chard""

"Rachel Parris: "Straight Outta Plympton""

"Henning Wehn: "Newton Abbot and Costello""

"Miles Jupp: "Minehead Revisited""

"Rachel Parris: "Bill & Ted's Exeter Adventure""

"Henning Wehn: "Dial M5 for Murder""

"Adrian Edmondson: "Panic Frome""

"Adrian Edmondson: "Lundy Bloody Lundy""

"Rachel Parris: "Indiana Jones and the Temple Meads of Doom""

"Henning Wehn: "Torbaywatch""

"Miles Jupp: "In Bedminster with Madonna""

"Adrian Edmondson: "Bring Me the Portishead of Alfredo Garcia""

"Willie Rushton: "Enema of the People""

"Barry Cryer: "The Forcep Saga by John Gall-Bladder""

"Graeme Garden: "Lady Chatterley's Liver""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Paddy Doyle Ha Ha Ha, you can put your trousers back on now""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Colon the Barbarian""

"Willie Rushton: "Catheta Come Home""

"Graeme Garden: "Cistitus Andronicus""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Rectum's Wife""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Popeye the Say Ah Man""

"Willie Rushton: "Diarrhoea of a Nobody""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Emily Bronte's - Worrying Bites""

"Graeme Garden: "Jane Austen's - Emma Roid""

"Graeme Garden: "The Honorary Tonsil""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Up Stethoscope""

"Barry Cryer: "The Greatest Supository Ever Sold""

"Willie Rushton: "Bleak Arse""

"Graeme Garden: "Hernia Shrunk The Kidneys""

"Barry Cryer: "Cold Compress Farm""

"Tony Hawks: "Far From the Madding Trout""

"Graeme Garden: "The Lord of the Flies by J.R.Hartley""

"Barry Cryer: "Catch 22""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Sequel to The Barchester Chronicles - The Crochester Barnacles by Anthony Scollop""

"Tony Hawks: "The Sardinic Verses by Salmon Rushdie""

"Barry Cryer: "Moll Flounders""

"Graeme Garden: "Captain Correlli's Manta Ray""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "10 Rillington Plaice""

"Tony Hawks: "Sprat is a Feminist Issue""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lady Chatterley's Lobster""

"Graeme Garden: "And if you don't fancy a book, there's always top-shelf prawn!""

"Barry Cryer: "Three Men and A Bloater""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Great Exaggerations""

"Barry Cryer: "The Kipper and The Roes""

"Graeme Garden: "The Little Book of Clam""

"Barry Cryer: "A Tale of Two Ciggies""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Nicotine Nickelby""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oliver Twist, Please""

"Graeme Garden: "Bridget Jones' Pipe""

"Jack Dee: "Harry Pot""

"Sandi Toksvig: Joseph Heller's great anti-smoking book - "Patch 22""

"Tony Hawks: "Round Ireland With A Fag""

"Barry Cryer: "Great Expectorations""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Asterix the Gauloise""

"Andy Hamilton: "Angela's Ashtrays""

"Jack Dee: "The Habit" by Tokin'"

"Rob Brydon: "Much Ado About Puffing""

"Tony Hawks: "Filter Tipping the Velvet""

"Graeme Garden: "The Pickwick Rizlas""

"Andy Hamilton: The Welsh classic "How Green Was My Mucus?""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Sense And Saint Semilia""

"Andy Hamilton: "The Curious Incident Of The Dog End In The Night""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Capstan Correlli's Mandolin""

"Jack Dee: "We Need To Talk About Coughing""

"Graeme Garden: "Around The World On 80-a-Day""

"Rob Brydon: "Hamlet""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Gropes of Wrath""

"Barry Cryer: "From Russia With Love""

"Jan Ravens: "The God of Small Hands""

"Graeme Garden: "Donald Coppafeel""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fantastic Breasts and Where to Find Them""

"Barry Cryer: "Gropey Dick""

"Jan Ravens: "Mein Trumpf""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Book of Moron""

"Jan Ravens: "The Owl and the Pussygrabber""

"Graeme Garden: "The Son-in-Law Also Rises""

"Jan Ravens: "A Cockwork Orange""

"Graeme Garden: "20,000 Leaks Under the CIA""

"Jan Ravens: "How To Become President for Dummies""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Low Expectations""

"Graeme Garden: "Where's Wally?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "David Coppafeel""

"Barry Cryer: "Nineteen-Eighty-Phwoar!""

"Kerry Godliman: "The Tiger That Came During Tea""

"Graeme Garden: "The Secret Habit of Adrian Mole""

"Kerry Godliman: "The Curious Incident of Dogging in the Night Time""

"Graeme Garden: "The Old Ann Summers Curiosity Shop""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Three Men in a Goat""

"Barry Cryer: "Throbbingson Crusoe""

"Graeme Garden: "Wind in the Willies""

"Kerry Godliman: "The MILF on the Floss""

"Graeme Garden: "The Lion, The Witch and the Webcam""

"Barry Cryer: "Champion, The Wonder Hearse""

"Barry Cryer: "A-Wop-Bop-A-Loo-Bop, A-Wop-Embalm""

"Willie Rushton: "Some embalming evening, You may stuff a stranger""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You're The Cream In My Coffin""

"Graeme Garden: "I'm Getting Buried In The Morning""

"Willie Rushton: "Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weeny, Yellow Polka Dot Winding Sheet""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Top Hat & Nails""

"Graeme Garden: "I Dig It My Way""

"Willie Rushton: "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Cemetery""

"Barry Cryer: "I Can't Get No Putrefaction by The Rolling Headstones""

"Willie Rushton: "Please Deep-Freeze Me""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You're Just My Jack-in-a-Box""

"Barry Cryer: "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Knees Up, Mother Brown""

"Barry Cryer: "Unchained Melody by Urethra Franklin""

"Willie Rushton: "I'm Too Sexy For My Truss""

"Willie Rushton: "Lipstick On Your Colon""

"Willie Rushton: "Singing In The Brain""

"Graeme Garden: "Hit the Prozac, and don't you come back no more.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Coldfinger""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dr., No!""

"Barry Cryer: "They Can't Take That Away From Me""

"Willie Rushton: "Urine The Money""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Yes Sir, That's My Baby""

"Graeme Garden: "Hernia Rose I Bring You""

"Barry Cryer: "I Want Some Diagnosis For A Blue Lady""

"Willie Rushton: "Testes Song At Twilight""

"Barry Cryer: "If I Was a Bitch Man, Poodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oo from Fiddler on the Woof""

"Willie Rushton: "Pekinese-up Mother Brown""

"Graeme Garden: "Daydream Retriever by The Mongrels""

"Barry Cryer: "Dog-fanciers' favourite groups include: The Pointer Sisters, Vet Vet Vet and There's A Good Boy-zone""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Making Whoopsie""

"Willie Rushton: "Good Collie, Miss Molly""

"Barry Cryer: "The Beagles Anthology including: Hey Chewed, Oh Mr Postman, Labrador Rigby, A Little Whelp From My Friends by Joe Cocker""

"Barry Cryer: "Tom Bones singing My, My, My, Rottweiler""

"Graeme Garden: "The Miniature-Schnauzer the Joint""

"Graeme Garden: "Pit Bulls, People Who Need Pit Bulls""

"Barry Cryer: "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down & Breed Myself a Setter""

"Barry Cryer: "I Got Plenty of Mutton, from Porky and Bess.""

"Willie Rushton: "Someday My Mince Will Come""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When I-rissoles Are Smiling""

"Graeme Garden: "New Pork New Pork, so good they ate it twice.""

"Barry Cryer: "Chop Chop, the Wonder Horse""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's a Hong Kong song, How Much Is That Doggy in the Window?""

"Barry Cryer: "Joseph and his Amazingly... Technicolor... Entrecote, I wish I was dead...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "(I Can't Get No) Putrifaction""

"Barry Cryer: "Wasn't Meat Loaf the Artist Formerly Known as Mince?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Anyone Who Had a Heart.""

"Willie Rushton: "It seems to me I've heard this song beef-""

"Barry Cryer: "Chitterling Chitterling Banger Banger""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There Will Never Be Another Ewe""

"Willie Rushton: "Back in the Saddle of Lamb.""

"Barry Cryer: "Anything from Grease.""

"Graeme Garden: "The Best of ABBA-toir.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's a German Second World War butchers' song - Veal Meet Again.""

"Graeme Garden: "The Dance of the Seven Veals from the opera Salami.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A rather worrying Fats Waller number, The Joint is Jumping...""

"Willie Rushton: "Fillets.""

"Graeme Garden: "Sirloin, It's Been Good to Gnaw You""

"Barry Cryer: "From Rasher With Love""

"Graeme Garden: "You Say Tomato, I Say...Eh??""

"Barry Cryer: "Another One Bites the Crust""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're All Going On A Saga Holiday""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Stairlift to Heaven""

"Graeme Garden: "Hit Me With Your Walking Stick""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Hippy Hippy Replacement""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Wide Eyed & Legless with Hot Chocolate""

"Barry Cryer: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Twist & Gout""

"Barry Cryer: "I Heard It Through The Deaf Aid""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'm Putting In My Top Set...""

"Barry Cryer: "Pappa's Got a Brand New Bag""

"Jeremy Hardy: "You've Lost That Loving Feeling by The Arthrighteous Brothers""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A, You're Adorable...Eh??""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Baby, Will You Light The Fire""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Staying Alive""

"Rob Brydon: "Mandy""

"Barry Cryer: "There's A Hole In My Blunkett""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Throughly Modern Milliband""

"Graeme Garden: "My Funny Heseltine""

"Barry Cryer: "You put your Nick Clegg in, your Nick Clegg out...""

"Graeme Garden: "I want to BNP, but I can't BNP until you BNP too.""

"Rob Brydon: "On The Street Where You Claim To Live""

"Graeme Garden: "Treasury! When you lose control and you've got no soul, it's Treasury!""

"Barry Cryer: "Super-Telly-Fake-Statistic-Expenses-Sod-The-Voters""

"Graeme Garden: "I Just Don't Know What To Do With My Wealth""

"Barry Cryer: "You say UKIP, I say bollocks.""

"Jo Brand: "This Is Dead And Gutted To The One I Love""

"Barry Cryer: "Long Trawl Sally""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Twist & Trout""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Skate, Ruffe and Rollmop""

"Barry Cryer: "Get Me To The Perch On Time""

"Jo Brand: "Flash! Bang! Wallop! What A Pilchard!""

"Jeremy Hardy: "And from the Sex Pilchards' album Never Mind The Pollock, Anchovy In The UK and Cod Save The Queenscalp""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Whale Kipper Whelk Home In The Eel Side""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Hey Hey We're The Monkfish""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Bream The Impossible Bream""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Happy Dace Are Here Again""

"Jo Brand: "Prawn Free""

"Barry Cryer: "Roll Over Bait""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Baby you can Drive My Carp... Sorry, I lost the will to live for a minute!""

"Barry Cryer: "We're all going on a Summer Halibut""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Remember You're A Winkle""

"David Mitchell: "Another One Bites The Dust""

"Barry Cryer: "Papa's Got A Brand New Bag""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "They Left My Heart In San Francisco!""

"Graeme Garden: "Hold it, Flash! Bang! Wallop! What A Fracture!""

"Barry Cryer: "I Wanna Hold Your Gland""

"David Mitchell: "Careless Sister""

"Graeme Garden: "See What The Boils On The Backside Will Have""

"David Mitchell: "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Doctor, No!""

"Barry Cryer: "Great Bowels Of Fire""

"Graeme Garden: "I Got Flu Babe""

"Barry Cryer: "Hey you, Get Off My Commode""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Brown Girl In The Ring, show me a motion...""

"David Mitchell: "Crazy Little Thing Called Morphine""

"Graeme Garden: "(sings The Birdie Song, ending to sound like an electrocardiogram flat-line.)""

"Ross Noble: "Can't Take Your Thighs Off Of You""

"Barry Cryer: "Humping Jack Flash""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Like A Virgin, Anyone?""

"Graeme Garden: "The Teddy's Bare Picnic""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Papa's Got A Brand New Shag""

"Graeme Garden: "The Oral Dance""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Little Brown Jugs""

"Barry Cryer: "Mr. Bo-Dangles""

"Ross Noble: "Tools Out for the summer""

"Graeme Garden: "Touch Me Up Before You Go-Go""

"Ross Noble: "It's My Panties and I'll cry if I want to""

"Barry Cryer: "How Much Is That Dogging In The Window""

"Ross Noble: "Can we have The Spunky Gibbon?" (Tim: In your dreams!)"

"Rob Brydon: "It's not a specific song, it's just anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Pilau Rice.""

"Barry Cryer: "A Curry With A Fringe On Top.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's My Chapati and I'll cry if I want to...""

"Graeme Garden: "My Poppadom Told Me.""

"Rob Brydon: "Korma, korma, korma, Korma Chameleon...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Ring Of Fire.""

"Graeme Garden: "The Wonderful Thing About Tikkas...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Ain't She Sweet and Sour? ...I've gone all Chinese!" (Barry: "Moved down the road suddenly!")"

"Graeme Garden: "Rice Said Fred.""

"Rob Brydon: "One by The Beatles, Lamb Pasanda Love Her... And I Love Her was the song, what I did was put lamb pasanda in front.""

"Rob Brydon: "Return To Sender... That's just a song.""

"David Mitchell: "Hit Me Bishop One More Time.""

"Barry Cryer: "I'm Forever Blowing Bibles.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Psalm Enchanted Evening.""

"Graeme Garden: "Bishop-a-Luma, A Bop Bam Boo.""

"David Mitchell: "Smells Like The Holy Spirit""

"Barry Cryer: "Karma Communion.""

"David Mitchell: "Everything's Coming Up Moses.""

"Barry Cryer: "And the Chas 'n' Dave hit, Verger.""

"David Mitchell: "Bar-bar-bar, Bar-bar-Barabbas.""

"Graeme Garden: "Pulpit On A String.""

"Barry Cryer: "Super-Holy-Callous-Faction-Expels-All-The-Floaters.""

"David Mitchell: "Careless Wimple.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Leap Up And Down, Wave Your Vicars In The Air.""

"Graeme Garden: "A Boy Named Sue Has A Complaint About The Christening.""

"David Mitchell: "I Did It Thy Way.""

"Graeme Garden: "I Left My Heart With Some Franciscans.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Crumpet Voluntary.""

"Graeme Garden: "Hold it, Flash Bang Wallop, what a pitta.""

"David Mitchell: "Focaccia Falling Star.""

"Barry Cryer: "Where Has All The Flour Gone?""

"David Mitchell: "Shake Shake Shake, Shake Your Butty.""

"Graeme Garden: "When A Man Loves A Warburton.""

"Barry Cryer: "It's My Chapati and I'll fry if I want to.""

"David Mitchell: "Ain't No Sunblest When He's Gone.""

"Barry Cryer: "Stand By Your Naan.""

"David Mitchell: "Donut Leave Me This Way.""

"Graeme Garden: "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep.""

"David Mitchell: "Bake Me Up Before You Sourdough.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Achy Bakey Tart.""

"Graeme Garden: "Never Mind The Bannocks, It's The Sex Pretzels.""

"Barry Cryer: "There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Hovis.""

"Graeme Garden: "Thank You For The Muesli.""

"Barry Cryer: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Flakes.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fried Bread Of Heaven." (Jack: "They liked you at the beginning, didn't they?")"

"Omid Djalili: "Stand By All-Bran.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Still in the Welsh, We'll Kipper Welcome In The Hillside.""

"Barry Cryer: "Fry Me A Liver.""

"Omid Djalili: "Muffin Compares 2U.""

"Barry Cryer: "Stuck On The Griddle With You.""

"Graeme Garden: "Hey-Hey, We're Having A Pot Of Tea.""

"Omid Djalili: "I Sniffed A Grill and I licked it.""

"Barry Cryer: "Regrets, I've had a brew, but then again Typhoo to mention.""

"Graeme Garden: "It's My Pot Of Tea and I'll cry if I want to.""

"Omid Djalili: "Big Grills Don't Fry.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Crumpet Voluntary.""

"Graeme Garden: "A Ricicle Made For Two.""

"Omid Djalili: "Kedgeree And Ivory... I had to sing it! Are we allowed to sing these?" (Jack: "Absolutely, yes...")"

"Omid Djalili: "Granola Gay.""

"Omid Djalili: "Smoothie Operator.""

"Omid Djalili: "Hit The Toast, Rack.""

"Graeme Garden: "Here Comes the Bribe.""

"John Finnemore: "Stop in the Name of Section 16 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994.""

"Tony Hawks: "QC in the Sky with Diamonds.""

"Susan Calman: "It Started With a Writ.""

"Tony Hawks: "Last Night a DJ Sued My Wife.""

"Susan Calman: "Summ-on Eileen.""

"Graeme Garden: "Call Your Mother. Call your mother!""

"Tony Hawks: "You Can Leave Your Wig On.""

"John Finnemore: "M'lud, M'lud, Glorious M'lud.""

"Tony Hawks: "She's got Affidavit's Eyes.""

"Susan Calman: "If you like it, you should have put an electronic tag on it.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Audi You Do What You Do To Me?""

"Barry Cryer: "Luck Be a Lada Tonight.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dipstick On Your Collar.""

"Rory Bremner: "Highway To Hull.""

"Barry Cryer: "Fiddler on the Roof Rack.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Can't love you 'cos Your Fiat's Too Big.""

"Barry Cryer: "My Old Man's a Datsun.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Don't Like Mondeos.""

"Barry Cryer: "Itsy-Bitsy-Teeny-Weeny-Yellow-Polka-Dot-Lamborghini.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A, You're a Dormobile.""

"Rory Bremner: "Daewoo come and me wanna go home.""

"Barry Cryer: "Citroen on the Dock of the Bay.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Up on the Roof, that's where you left the bloody shopping!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.""

"Rory Bremner: "If you liked it, you should've put a wheelclamp on it.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's fun to stay at the D.V.L.A.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Hyundai Will Always Love You.""

"Fred MacAulay: "Living Next Door To Alec.""

"Tony Hawks: "Can You Feel The Forth?""

"Susan Calman: "Like A Sturgeon.""

"Barry Cryer: "Fly Me To Dunoon.""

"Fred MacAulay: "Hold me closer, Ya Wee Dancer.""

"Tony Hawks: "I Just Called To Say Isle Of Ewe.""

"Susan Calman: "You've Lost That Govan Feeling.""

"Fred MacAulay: "I've got another Elton John one, Pure Rocket, Man.""

"Tony Hawks: "For the one who might listen to The Stranglers, Gordon Brown.""

"Susan Calman: "We all live near a Trident Submarine.""

"Barry Cryer: "If I Had A Hammer, I'd toss it in the morning.""

"Susan Calman: "Sunday Bloody Herald.""

"Fred MacAulay: "Jambalaye-aye-aye-aye.""

"Susan Calman: "Shiny Happy Peebles.""

"Barry Cryer: "Cabers, everybody needs good cabers.""

"Tony Hawks: "Pishing On A Star.""

"Susan Calman: "Is You Is Or Is You Ain't From Paisley?""

"Fred MacAulay: "I'm a Bobby Girl.""

"Tony Hawks: "Walk Like A Glaswegian.""

"Fred MacAulay: "Hit Me Baby One More Time And I'll Break Your F***ing Jaw.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Don't Let the Sunbed Go Down On Me.""

"Miles Jupp: "I'm Still Stansted.""

"Richard Osman: "By the Rivers of Basildon.""

"Barry Cryer: "And now, Southend is near...""

"Richard Osman: "Hey, Mr. Tangerine Man.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Don't Look Back in Ongar.""

"Richard Osman: "I Want to Braintree.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Nothing Like a Virgin.""

"Richard Osman: "Vajazzle Be the Day.""

"Miles Jupp: "Is This the Way to Thurrock Services?""

"Richard Osman: "It's Rainham Men, hallelujah! It's Rainham Men!""

"Barry Cryer: "Amazing Grays.""

"Miles Jupp: "Leigh-on-Sea, when you're not strong...""

"Jan Ravens: "Don't Go Breaking My Scart.""

"Barry Cryer: "Shaddap Your Interface.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Porn in the USB.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Uber-Cabbing-Fragile-Existence-Exploiting-All-The-Drivers.""

"Jan Ravens: "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother Multi-Functioning Jet Printer With Bypass Tray.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Eight Days a Geek.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Love Me Tinder.""

"Barry Cryer: "Please Retweet Me, let me go.""

"Jan Ravens: "Kindle in the Wind.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Am the Virus, coo-coo-ca-choo.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "When I'm Cleaning Windows.""

"Barry Cryer: "Turn It On and Off and On Again.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "HDMI Will Always Love USB.""

"Jan Ravens: "iTouch Myself.""

"John Finnemore: "Hey Hey We're the Monkfish.""

"Barry Cryer: "Bohemian Anchovy.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Whelk Kipper Welcome in the Eel Side.""

"Miles Jupp: "Like a Sturgeon.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Crash Bang Scallop, what a pilchard.""

"Miles Jupp: "I Should Be So Guppy.""

"John Finnemore: "Wake Up Little Sushi.""

"Miles Jupp: "Tell me why I Don't Like Barramundis.""

"John Finnemore: "Saturday Night's Alright for Whiting.""

"Miles Jupp: "I'm a Shoal Man.""

"John Finnemore: "I See You Baby, shaking that bass.""

"Miles Jupp: "If you liked it, you should have put herring on it.""

"Graeme Garden: "Pop Go the Measles.""

"Barry Cryer: "Supercalifragilisticexpy-Halitosis.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Twist and Gout.""

"Kerry Godliman: "Itchycrotch Park.""

"Barry Cryer: "Talkin 'bout My Constipation.""

"Graeme Garden: "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap.""

"Kerry Godliman: "Girls on Phlegm.""

"Barry Cryer: "I've Got Spew Under My Chin.""

"Graeme Garden: "STD, all my troubles seem so far away...""

"Kerry Godliman: "My Mild Shakes bring all the boys to the yard.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend had spots like me.""

"Kerry Godliman: "The Girl from Emphysema.""

"Graeme Garden: "Cystitis Doin' It for Themselves""

"Barry Cryer: "I Just Called To Say I Have Herpes.""

"Kerry Godliman: "Rubella, Don't Take Your Love to Town.""

"Graeme Garden: "How Deep is Your Glove?""

"Kerry Godliman: "There's a Kind of Thrush all over the world...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in't Middlesbrough with you.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "All the Dingle ladies, all the Dingle ladies...""

"Tony Hawks: "Ey-uptown Girl""

"Rachel Parris: "Ain't no sunshine...""

"Tony Hawks: "No Woman, No Pie""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Baby It's Coal Outside""

"Rachel Parris: "Whitby, Baby One More Time""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Of course the lovely Chris de Burgh's Gravy in Bed.""

"Tony Hawks: "Whippet Up and start again""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Ouse""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Ooh baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh Hebden is a place near Thirsk.""

"Gary Delaney: "Message in a Bootle""

"Pippa Evans: "Stuck in the Lidl in Crewe""

"Tony Hawks: "When I'm Cleaning Widnes""

"Rory Bremner: "Under Cheshire""

"Gary Delaney: "Timperley for the Devil""

"Pippa Evans: "I can see clearly now the rain has... oh it's started again...""

"Rory Bremner: "I've been to paradise but I've Never Been to Leigh""

"Pippa Evans: "I like big butties an' I cannot lie...""

"Tony Hawks: "Hit Me with Your Lytham Stick""

"Rory Bremner: "Corrie Seems to Be the Hardest Word""

"Miles Jupp: "Gatting to Know You""

"Harry Enfield: "I can see Brierley now the rain has gone...""

"Lucy Porter: "Benaud, is it me you're looking for?""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "My Stumps, My Stumps, My lovely lady stumps.""

"Miles Jupp: "Take Me Home, Jonty Rhodes""

"Harry Enfield: "And she's buying a Stairway to Headingley...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Pearl's a Spinner""

"Harry Enfield: "Yes Sir, I Can Googly""

"Lucy Porter: "Like Trent Bridge Over Troubled Water""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "She's an Easy Cover""

"Miles Jupp: "We Don't Have to Take Gower's Clothes Off to have a good time""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Amazing W.G. Grace""

"Miles Jupp: "I'm Vaughny, Vaughny-Vaughny-Vaughny""

"Harry Enfield: "I got 99 Problems but my pitch ain't one.""

"Lucy Porter: "Aggers-do-do-do, push pineapple shake the tree...""

"Miles Jupp: "Get your box off, get your box off honey.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "It's Live and Leg Bye""

"Miles Jupp: "Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Bradman!" (Jack: "Well, it could have been "Batman", really, couldn't it?")"

"Tony Hawks: "Ready, Steady, Where's Cook?""

"Barry Cryer: "The Only Way is Sussex.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're Sorry But One Absolutely Hasn't a Clue.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Last of the Châteauneuf-du-Pape.""

"Tony Hawks: "Upstairs.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "My Big Fat Gypsy Trespasser.""

"Tony Hawks: "Instead of Casualty, Formal Tea.""

"Barry Cryer: "Who Else Wants To Be a Millionaire?""

"Jeremy Hardy: "My Name is Earl.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Second Homes Under the Hammer.""

"Tony Hawks: "Fox News.""

"Barry Cryer: "Head Gardeners' Question Time.""

"Tony Hawks: "Never Mind the Peacocks.""

"Barry Cryer: "Birds of a Feather... Bang!""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Meet the Osbornes.""

"Tony Hawks: "Only Fools on Horses.""

"Barry Cryer: "Toff Gear.""

"Tony Hawks: "Au-pair Winfrey.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Glyndebourne Supremacy.""

"Graeme Garden: "Merthyr, She Wrote.""

"Barry Cryer: "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clwyd.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dancing on Eisteddfod.""

"Rob Brydon: "News at Tenby.""

"Graeme Garden: "Mock the Leek.""

"Barry Cryer: "Strictly Cwm Dancing.""

"Graeme Garden: "C.S.I. Myfanwy.""

"Rob Brydon: "Mirhondda.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Racing from Chepstow.""

"Graeme Garden: "Abergavenny Questions.""

"Barry Cryer: "Brecon's Got Talent.""

"Rob Brydon: "Dai, Claudius.""

"Graeme Garden: "Ebbw Vale Farm.""

"Barry Cryer: "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoing Live.""

"Graeme Garden: "A Question of Splott.""

"Barry Cryer: "Barry Island Discs.""

"Graeme Garden: "Doctor Huw Vs. The Harlechs.""

"Graeme Garden: "Maternity Makeover with Trinny and Hosanna.""

"Barry Cryer: "Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Manger Mouse.""

"Stephen Fry: "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Room.""

"Graeme Garden: "I'm a Divinity, Get Me Out of Here!""

"Barry Cryer: "Midsomer Myrrh.""

"Graeme Garden: "Dial M for Myrrh.""

"Graeme Garden: "Caspar the Friendly King.""

"Graeme Garden: "Who Do You Think Thou Art?""

"Barry Cryer: "There's Something About Mary.""

"Graeme Garden: "Wish You Were Herod.""

"Tony Hawks: "Who Wants To Be a Legionnaire?""

"Barry Cryer: "Dad's Armada.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Orange is the New Black Death.""

"Andy Hamilton: "C.S.I. Troy.""

"Barry Cryer: "Who Dost Thou Think Thou Art?""

"Tony Hawks: "Are You Being Severed?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Genghis Khan Cook, Won't Cook.""

"Tony Hawks: "Victorian Derbyshire.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Georgian Mildred.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Only Way is Wessex.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's some great Roman shows too, Pliny and Perky... and Scipio the Bush Kangaroo.""

"Andy Hamilton: "And, erm... Three Men in a Boadicea.""

"Barry Cryer: "Z-Carts.""

"Andy Hamilton: "Loose Women, burn them!""

"Barry Cryer: "Top of the Popes.""

"Tony Hawks: "Gogglepox.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Æthelred the Unready Steady Go!""

"Tony Hawks: "Wheel or No Wheel.""

"Andy Hamilton: "There was that special, with that great Liverpudlian songbird, Sirra." (confused audience reaction) "...Oh don't explain it to each other, we'll be here all night!""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a hymn...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a psalm...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing an anthem...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a carol...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "Did you hear about old Van der Valk?...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "When turning on BBC2...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "The best way to eat avocado...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "When Santa gets bored in his grotto...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out on the banks of Loch Ness...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "The thing about wearing a kilt...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "One night I was roused by the pipes...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "There's a small breed of dog, called a Scottie...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "That potty old monarch King Lear...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "That warrior Coriolanus...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "That jealous old soldier Othello...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "At an orgy, old Julius Caesar...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "In Tesco's with Earth, Wind and Fire...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "My hamster is called Otis Redding...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "The artist formerly known as Prince...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "When it snows you will find Sister Sledge...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "In a restaurant with veteran Pete Murray...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "At an orgy with Sir Jimmy Savile...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "While reading the Exchange and Mart...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "As they banged in the bed of hard nails...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "The medicinal power of brandy...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a fully trained moth...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once found my pet puss in Boots...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "Whenever I wear my new clogs...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "You won't guess what I keep in my wellies...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "Whenever I wear winklepickers...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a blind date with Cilla...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a trial with Bill Shankly...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "We went to a show with Ken Dodd...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "A porter from Gonville & Caius...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out with a couple of Blues...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out on the Cam in a punt...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "If you're studying Natural Science...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "As I reached for my copy of Chaucer...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the pub with this old Wife of Bath...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "I've met this unusual monk...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out with a Doctor of Physick...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "While playing a hand of whist...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "While sailing with Captain James Cook...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "A habit of Vasco de Gama's...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "The odd thing about Cecil Rhodes...""

"Humphrey Lyttelton: "When out sailing with Sir Francis Drake...""

"Positional play is illegal on any given diagonal, each move must be preceded by the official rhyming slang"

"Sat-Navs have been provided for the teams."

"Christmas-related moves score double"

"Positional play in't first progression is permitted only if aboon the diagonal and following a linking snicket ginnel or owt like it."

"Players finding themselves blocked should retire to Nidd and miss three goes."

"Rule 8 is void."

"Lord Govan's Revised Ruleset"

"Players wal' be scunner'd if they bide awa' doon the diagonal if only either play'r tak's the southernly approach fae a previous position."

"He who gangs agl'i the line of play wal' be render'd numptied."

"Glasgow Variation: Inversions are permissible but must be sequential and non-linear."

"Obliques are permissible but only with the prior agreement of the Chair."

"Players found to be outside the lateral may be placed in Knip at the discretion of the Chair."

"Recorded at the panellists' homes via Zoom due to the COVID pandemic."

"Destinations are ranked according to the 3 tier system - medium, very medium, and highly medium."

"Players who may land on the same destination must observe the rule of 6, namely any group or gathering must contain at least 6 players, a gathering of fewer than 6 will be deemed in Knip."

"Hands must be sanitised between moves, and this being radio protective masks will be worn over the ears."

"The Chairman will wipe down all surfaces between rounds as usual."

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Alice Lives Here.""

"Barry Cryer: "Apocalypse Soon.""

"Graeme Garden: "That Baby Jane's Got A Future.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Gone With The Lentil And Butterbean Stew.""

"Graeme Garden: "Sapling Gump.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "The Land That Time Put In A Safe Place.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Italian Jobseeker.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Cheese Eaten Too Close To Bedtime On Elm Street.""

"Graeme Garden: "The Empire Gets Struck.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "The Long Way Round, Avoiding The River Kwai.""

"Graeme Garden: "One Of Our Aircraft Is... Here.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Good Luck With Your OFSTED Mr. Chips.""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me Someone Who Knows Alfredo Garcia.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Gulliver's Packing.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Chronicles of Hernia.""

"Phill Jupitus: "Four Engagement Parties and a Bloke Who Doesn't Feel Very Well.""

"Graeme Garden: "Let's Hope Nobody Comes and Snatches These Bodies.""

"Phill Jupitus: "The Empire Considers Its Response.""

"Barry Cryer: "Will Somebody Shut Those Bloody Lambs Up?""

"Graeme Garden: "Begin Camping.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Will There Be Blood?""

"Graeme Garden: "Begin Up The Khyber.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're Running a Bit Low on Mohicans.""

"Graeme Garden: "Bit Of An Atmosphere On The Bounty.""

"Phill Jupitus: "Schindler Goes To Ryman's, Buys A Biro And A Notebook.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "When a lady enters a room, always stand with the words 'Blimey, that one shot me right off me seat!'""

"Sandi Toksvig: "When addressed by a member of British royalty, they prefer for you to answer in German.""

"Jack Dee: "At this time of year, if your bin men knock on the door and give you a Christmas card, it's traditional to tear it up and say 'What did you come here for? The bins are round the back!'""

"Barry Cryer: "At a funeral, don't forget to throw an old mattress in the hole for luck.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "When shown baby pictures, take an interest saying things like 'I didn't know you two were cousins!' or 'You know you can do wonders with Photoshop!'""

"Jack Dee: "If, when driving, a police car flashes you from behind, it means you're not going fast enough!""

"Barry Cryer: "The official greeting for Duchess of Kent is 'I hear you go like a tram!'""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Always compliment a woman at dinner. Try something like 'You look like a model. Let's hope you can keep that down!'""

"Sandi Toksvig: "British men consider you rude if you don't share their urinal.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "If you don't know the words of football chants, entertain the opposing fans with songs from West Side Story.""

"Rob Brydon: "The correct way to greet the Bishop of Southwark is 'Get out of my car, you're pissed, Your Grace!'""

"Graeme Garden: "So, when's it due?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Your mother's very attractive. Your brother's strangely attractive.""

"Barry Cryer: "Your hair looks so natural, particularly the left nostril.""

"Willie Rushton: "Oh I assure you, your mother liked it.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "No further than't stockin' tops!""

"Willie Rushton: "That was a lovely evening, and with service charge included, that will cost you 250 guineas.""

"Barry Cryer: "I've just noticed - your eyes match the spinach in your teeth.""

"Willie Rushton: "Your place, or back to the sheltered accommodation?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Let's go for a run in the Skoda.""

"Graeme Garden: "I hope you don't mind men who like to play rough. I've got one waiting in the bedroom...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "No wonder you didn't send a photo!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Shall we listen to Quote, Unquote?""

"Barry Cryer: "You don't sweat much for a big girl.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "There's something different about you. You're so...alive!""

"Graeme Garden: "Let's do it right here and now, while everyone's concentrating on the sermon.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh dear. Sorry about this. I hope it's just nits.""

"Graeme Garden: "I would ask you back to my place, but I've got a chainsaw in soak.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Whoops! Well that's better out than in!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "LOOK OUT! Just my little joke!""

"Jeremy Hardy: "I find myself torn between Veritas and UKIP...""

"Barry Cryer: "Get your balaclava on, you've pulled!""

"Barry Cryer: "Later on Radio 4 today, Dale Winton goes to visit the Yorkshire Dales... or does he? Dale or No Dale.""

"David Mitchell: "Later on ITV2, David and Victoria Beckham discuss how their marriage has survived both the good times and the bad. That's Thick and Thin: How We Got Through It.""

"Graeme Garden: "After the news, we join Anthony McPartlin before he puts his trousers on in the morning. That's Ant's in his Pants.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "In the programme later in the week, our celebrity would-be fish wrestling referee handles his first match tonight in Between a Rock Salmon and a Hard Plaice... I'm sorry, I'll read that again.""

"David Mitchell: "Later on Channel 4, leading plastic surgeon Simon Wallace discusses recent advances in breast augmentation, following successful grafting procedures involving skin taken from the lower buttock. That's Arse Over Tit.""

"Graeme Garden: "Tonight sees the first episode of our new drama series set in the emergency room of a busy cottage hospital in Devon. Nine o'clock, tune in to Ooh-Arr."

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Coming up on Radio 4 Long Wave, former umpire Dickie Bird starts an in-depth four-part analysis of bowling actions over the past half-century, investigating the decline of the full toss or beamer in English cricket. That's Dickie Bird in Nobody Gives a Toss later this evening."

"David Mitchell: "In the last programme in our Pottery Season, we'll be showing you how to finish off the outsides of plates or bowls in A Guide to Rimming.""

"Graeme Garden: "Tonight's documentary tells the strange story of Sigmund Freud and his time as a market gardener: 1912 Vienna saw the father of psychiatry tending his greenhouse at the world famous cafe run, surprisingly, by a family of weasels. Nine o'clock tonight you can hear all about Freud-Grown Tomatoes at the Weasel's Top Cafe.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "This week's Archive Hour provides another chance to see gardening legend Percy Thrower reveal his extensive collection of fine bone china, much of which he's been able to identify blindfolded. That's Point Percy at the Porcelain this Monday at three.""

"David Mitchell: "Elderly relatives get a sexy makeover in Gran Designs.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: Later on Sky One, a programme exploring claims that a small amount of alcohol can have an even more helpful effect than Viagra, with Absinthe Makes the Part Grow Longer.""

"Barry Cryer: "Coming up on Channel 4, spiky-haired celebrity chef Gary Rhodes presents his definitive guide to pancake making. That's The Complete Tosser after the break.""

"Jo Brand: "Later on we see a group of lumberjacks try to predict how much will fly off a log when they cut it - The Chipping Forecast..." (audience groans) "Is that good to get a groan like that?" (Tim: "Yes. Very much so.") "I'm quite pleased with it, thank you! (laughs)""

"Jeremy Hardy: "9pm on Channel 4, Gok Wan helps you disguise the bags under your eyes in How to Look Good Knackered.""

"Jo Brand: "Later on we see nurses competing to deal with pus-filled boils in Strictly Come Lancing.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "On Channel 4 tomorrow, a post-apocalyptic makeover programme in which Gok Wan advises on how to deal with the aftermath of an atomic bomb in How to Look Good Nuked.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Our Eskimo boating series continues with a guide to wood-burning stoves in Have Your Kayak and Heat It.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Next on BBC Four, rare footage of a legendary concert at the North Pole's only prison - Cash in the Arctic.""

"Jo Brand: "Later on tonight, a documentary in which my husband and I star, and we talk about our longest night of love - Just a Minute." (Tim: "A minute? Blimey...")"

"Jeremy Hardy: "Tomorrow on BBC Two, a new cookery programme for cannibals - One Foot in the Gravy, and tomorrow morning Woman's Hour moves to television and becomes PMTV.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Later, hear how French philosophy has been banned in Scandinavia in Don't Put Descartes Before the Norse.""

"David Mitchell: "Now on Radio 4, an acute sufferer from OCD talks movingly about how his condition, which results in an obsessive hoarding of all bodily excretions, led to an ever greater than normal sense of violation when he returned home to discover he was being burgled, in Are You Taking the Piss?"

"Graeme Garden: "ITV, Saturday, seven o'clock, a team of celebrities try unsuccessfully to defuse an unexploded World War II bomb. That's A Blast from the Past.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Channel 4 at ten tonight, a documentary on how irritating members of the Royal Family refuse to leave their private jet. That is The Reigning Pain Stays Mainly on the Plane.""

"Barry Cryer: "Coming up on BBC Three, glamour model Katie Price pays a visit to Bakewell in Derbyshire to discover the secret of their eponymous pastry. That's Britain's Favourite Tart... paying a visit to Derbyshire.""

"Graeme Garden: "Tonight at nine o'clock on BBC One, Ian Hislop and Paul Merton return with Have I Ripped Off The News Quiz For You.""

"David Mitchell: "Now on BBC Three, Wayne Rooney presents a simple guide to double-entry bookkeeping in Double-Entry Bookkeeping: An Idiot's Guide.""

"Graeme Garden: "At ten o'clock, we trace the England team's track record in the soccer World Cup since 1966. That's Lost on Channel 4."

"Graeme Garden: "Channel 4 presents an award-winning documentary about the late Mrs. Simpson, Duchess of Windsor, and her life-long struggle with seasickness. That's Wallis and Vomit, tonight at nine.""

"Barry Cryer: "Channel 4, nine tonight, a documentary about the amazing case of a man who's accused of sexually harassing elephants. That's Tickling the Ivories.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Later on this afternoon, how Scandinavians lose their hair trying to steal from a poorly protected furniture warehouse in Locking the Table Store After the Norse Has Molted.""

"Phill Jupitus: "And later tonight on BBC Two we continue our documentary series about life in the Middle East. We look at people whose upstairs neighbours are Palestinian militants. That's Homes Under the Hamas, shortly.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Tonight, a heartwarming documentary when the ladies of the parish get rid of all the weeds in the church cemetery, entitled Let's Get Them Out For the Vicar, on Channel 5 at seven.""

"Phill Jupitus: "And as part of our music season on BBC Four, there's gonna be time for our round-table music discussion show with the woman who sang "Those Were the Days", the bloke who sang "In the Summertime" and finally the man who sang "Vienna". That's Mary, Mungo and Midge, coming up soon.""

"Barry Cryer: "On Radio 4 tomorrow morning at nine forty-five, Brian Blessed reads from his audiobook. That's Prick Up Your Ears, nine forty-five." (Jack: "Thank you, Barry, that was lovely...")"

"Rob Brydon: "Well, Jamie Oliver goes to an inner city hospital to eat baked beans on toast in front of the telly. That's Casual Tea, on BBC One.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Later on Channel 4, Gordon Ramsay talks about his love of cute feline-themed pyjamas in Gordon's Kitten Nightwear."

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Channel 5 this evening, a documentary on children who've had bad family experiences in Bob's Your Uncle.""

"Rob Brydon: "A town on the northern banks of the Mersey decides to stop talking and stop making noise while they carry out forensic pathology. That's Silent Widnes, tonight on BBC One.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Later on Radio 4, Evan Davis relives the trauma of seeing his plumber bend down to look under his sink. That's The Bottom Line at half past four.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On BBC tonight we see the working life of Jack Dee in Live at the Apollo, Big Brother, Shooting Stars, The Apprentice: You're Fired! and many more in Jack of All Trades, Master of Them All.""

"Rob Brydon: "A group of Boy Scouts take charge of a rural parish. That's The Vicar of Dyb-Dyb-Dybley on BBC One.""

"Barry Cryer: "Ten thirty tonight on BBC One, Graham Norton interviews Jerry Hall about her relationship with Rupert Murdoch. That's Jerry and the Pacemaker.""

"Rob Brydon: "A maverick detective investigates the mystery of how to give your back a good old scrub in the bathtub. That's Idris Elba in Loofah.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "And later on Channel 4, we ask whether newspapers really are tomorrow's fish and chip paper. That's A Plaice in The Sun at eight o'clock.""

"Rob Brydon: "Join us in the tent as Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc develop severe bronchitis in The Great British Bad Cough.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Three, veteran comedian and ladies' man Barry Cryer hosts a dating and makeover series specifically targeted at the over-eighties. That's Snog Barry Avoid?""

"Barry Cryer: "On ITV tonight, Beyoncé shows us round the stately home she's just bought. That's Beyoncé Castle, tonight on ITV.""

"Richard Osman: "Next on BBC One, what happens when a leading chemist opens two branches in the same Surrey town in These Boots Are Made For Woking?""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tonight, Rick Stein travels to France to examine why the British are so squeamish about some traditional French cooking. That's Rick Stein in Horses for Courses.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Four, we look at the intriguing case of how one of Britain's favourite comedians won planning permission to build his new house next to a cemetery. That's Let Bygraves Be By Graves, later on BBC Four.""

"Richard Osman: "And on Channel 4 now, a documentary entirely made up of short bits of footage of cardiac surgery in Totally Clips of the Heart.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "In The Life Scientific, Jim Al-Khalili talks to professor James Long about his groundbreaking work analysing personality traits from peoples' urine samples. That's Taking the Piss, this Wednesday.""

"Miles Jupp: "Tonight's concert on Radio 3 features a group of amateur musicians who are all serving police officers, the London Occasional Law Officers' Light Orchestra, so tonight at eight don't miss music from LOLOLO." ("'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello.")"

"Richard Osman: "On E4 now, the dating show where IT professionals have to win a date and then immediately get dumped in Try Turning It On and Off Again.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tune in for the new quiz with Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, and all the contestants go commando. That's Pantless, today at five.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later tonight on the BBC at 9 o'clock, a documentary about the time that Parliament was disrupted by a runaway elk that turned out to be promiscuous. That is There's a Moose Loose About This Hoose.""

"Pippa Evans: "At 7pm tonight, tiny insects discuss fashion accessories. That's Fleabag on BBC Two"."

"Stephen Fry: "Later on Radio 4 we explore a prominent psychologist's take on the phallic nature of London's tallest building. That's Shard and Freud, later on Radio 4.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "After the break, Ben Fogle travels to Australia to discover if there's any truth at all in the legend of the twenty foot crocodile roaming Darwin's sewers. That's Ben Fogle and the Giant Croc of Shit, after the break.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later on Radio 4, Bear Grylls recounts the story of the large shrimp that accidentally attached itself to his private parts. That's Bear Grylls' Prawn Cocktail, tonight at 10.15.""

"Stephen Fry: "And tomorrow on Radio 4, Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm asks 'can owning a sheepdog cure depression?' That's Mel and Collie, later on Radio 4.""

"Pippa Evans: "Richard Hammond travels round Britain to celebrate our seaside towns. That's Top Pier.""

"Stephen Fry: "And talking of piers, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins visit Oxford to examine the Reverend Spooner's passion for the repair and maintenance of the city's traditional watercraft. That's Care of Punts, coming soon.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up this evening, Ben Fogle takes his fossil hammer to Dorset's Jurassic coast on a hunt for the perfect ammonite. That's Cracking One Out with Ben Fogle, later this evening.""

"Stephen Fry: "Meanwhile on BBC One, Charlie Dimmock takes command of a squad of Coldstream Guards as they completely returf an entire rugby pitch in time for their crunch match against the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. That's Sod This for a Game of Soldiers.""

"Tony Hawks: "Coming up next on BBC One, the crime drama set on a well-known Scottish archipelago, now sadly polluted by sewage discharge. That's Shitland, tonight at nine.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, it's the crossover you never knew you needed - Ocean's Eleven meets Radio 4, but controversy strikes as the charismatic lead is replaced by Jack Dee in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clooney.""

"Rory Bremner: "Later on Radio 4, a new series in which Kirsty Lang travels to each region of the UK in an attempt to find the country's finest sperm bank. That's Round Britain Jizz, this Friday at 11.30.""

"Pippa Evans: "On ITV at eight o'clock, mystery guests sing songs while wearing elaborate masks, before a celebrity jury attempts to guess which is the least attractive. That's The Masked Minger at eight o'clock.""

"Tony Hawks: "Next on ITV a new game show, giving contestants a chance to win an any of an amazing selection of panty liners. That's The Sale of the Sanitary, next.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, Chris Hemsworth is back in the Marvel crossover that's also a sequel to Frozen - Thaw.""

"Tony Hawks: "A fantasy epic on BBC now, with a tale spanning multiple worlds, in which a threatening godlike figure suffers several bouts of sexually transmitted infections. That's His Dark Venereals on BBC Three.""

"Gary Delaney: "Next on BBC Two, Dara Ó Briain is back as the host of the quickfire topical panel show for Chinese cannibals who eat the shy. It's Wok the Meek. ...if you could hear the footsteps going all round the houses to get to that one!""

"Jack Dee: "Belinda made her parents vexed for all she ever did was text...""

"Jack Dee: "Though often warned, a boy called Rex still tampered with electric flex...""

"Jack Dee: "One day a small girl called Sophia climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Jack Dee: "In spite of warnings, little Stu would taunt the lions in the zoo...""

"Jack Dee: "A naughty little lad called Dave would hide inside the microwave...""

"Jack Dee: "Young Nigel earned a stern reproof for doing cartwheels on the roof...""

"Jack Dee: "'I see dead people!' claimed young Cole, which made his mother drop her bowl...""

"Jack Dee: "The infant Mike had such bad genes, he lived on top shelf magazines...""

"Jack Dee: "'I think I shall try six', said Fred, 'electric blankets on my bed'...""

"Jack Dee: "'Do not put', his mum told Ted, 'that plastic bag upon your head'...""

"Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Sue would feed the monkeys in the zoo...""

"Jack Dee: "With stick in hand, naughty Denise approached a peaceful swarm of bees...""

"Jack Dee: "Daisy Pugh and husband Gus, spiced up their sex life on the bus...""

"Jack Dee: "Poor Mrs. Wilhelmina Binns was knackered giving birth to quins...""

"Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Mya climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Jack Dee: "A stubborn boy whose name was Norm, flew his kite in a lightning storm...""

"Jack Dee: "A wicked habit of young Bill's, was rifling through his father's pills...""

"Jack Dee: "Without permission, stupid Jake went skating on a frozen lake...""

"Jack Dee: "Young James thought it would be a lark, to ride upon a great white shark...""

"Jack Dee: "A dreadful habit of young Mart's was lighting his and others' farts...""

"Barry Cryer: "The Milk Marketing Board - A glass of milk... in every glass.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Southern or Northern Rail - We're not happy 'til you're not happy.""

"Miles Jupp: "Disneyland - Because if you don't take them, they will never shut up!""

"John Finnemore: "Ryanair - You knew what you were getting into!""

"Miles Jupp: "McDonald's - We have toilets!""

"Barry Cryer: "The Noise Abatement Society - ...""

"John Finnemore: "Yellow Pages - In case the internet stops existing.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Andrex - Shit happens.""

"John Finnemore: "Prosecco - For those special occasions that aren't that special.""

"Barry Cryer: "Durex - In your wallet for years.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Vodafone - Mos...ubbish...obile...hone...cept...in...country.""

"John Finnemore: "Fray Bentos - Don't ask, don't tell.""

"Miles Jupp: "The Wild Bean Café - You have literally no other option!""

"John Finnemore: "Hull Trains - Oh, doesn't every city have its own trains? Oh, I'm sorry. We do.""

"Barry Cryer: "Tesco ready meals - Horses for courses!""

"Barry Cryer: Wetherspoons - When you just have to get pissed at 7.00am.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! - It's not butter!""

"Tony Hawks: "Ferrero Rocher - They're the dogs' bollocks!""

"Caroline Quentin: "Amazon - Cos tax doesn't need to be taxing.""

"Tony Hawks: "Waitrose - Two for the price of five.""

"Barry Cryer: Guantanamo Bay - Made to make your mouth water.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The French Riviera - Naughty but Nice!""

"Tony Hawks: "Aldi - When you can't afford Lidl.""

"Caroline Quentin: "Specsavers - Because we saw you coming.""

"Caroline Quentin: "Durex - Because we saw you coming too!""

"Tony Hawks: "Wakefield - Because you came off at the wrong exit on the motorway.""

"Caroline Quentin: "Apple - Think different. Think ungramattical.""

"Tony Hawks: "Instagram - Cos you don't read good.""

"Caroline Quentin: "Veet - Because all women should look and feel like raw sausages.""

"Tony Hawks: "The Internet - It's what your right arm's for.""

"Caroline Quentin: "TENA - When clenching just isn't enough.""

"Tony Hawks: "Yorkshire Tourist Board - Piss off!""

"Andy Hamilton: "I don't wanna talk...""

"Rory Bremner: "If I had a hammer...""

"Rory Bremner: "I'm nothing special, in fact I'm a bit of a bore...""

"Andy Hamilton: "It's a God-awful small affair...""

"Andy Hamilton: "Well you can tell by the way I walk, I'm a woman's man...""

"Rachel Parris: "Do you remember the twenty-first night of September...?""

"Miles Jupp: "Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you...""

"Rachel Parris: "Why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down...?""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Well look-a-bel', look-a-bel', look-a-bel', look-a-bel', oooh-wee...""

"Miles Jupp: "I close my eyes...""

"Rachel Parris: "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Ground control to Major Tom...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Do you really like it? Is it, is it wicked...?""

"Miles Jupp: "I got chills, they're multiplyin'...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "The road is long, with many a winding turn...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "I could have danced all night...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where the wedding has been...""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "Knowing me, knowing you...""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "Doe - a deer, a female deer...""

"Henning Wehn: [In a singing voice comparable with that of Jeremy Hardy] "You must remember this...""

"Henning Wehn: "I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told..." [Breaks into laughter]"

"Henning Wehn: "I can tell by your eyes that you've probably been crying forever...""

"Tony Hawks: "It's been seven hours and fifteen days...""

"Tony Hawks: "Well since my baby left me, I've found a new place to dwell...""

"Tony Hawks: "I can't give you anything but my love...""

"Tony Hawks: "She was just seventeen, well you know what I mean...""

"Miles Jupp: "Girl, you really got me now...""

"Pippa Evans: "Once I had a love and it was a gas, soon turned out had a...""

"Pippa Evans: "Grt your motor runnin', head out on the highway...""

"Miles Jupp: "Round, round, get around, I get around yeah, get around, woah, I get around...""

"Pippa Evans: "If you see our favourite sign at the sign of the road, it says '15 miles to the LOOOOVE SHAAACK'...""

"Pippa Evans: "I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night...""

"Miles Jupp: "Mmmbop, bop-da-doo-wop, doo-waa mmmbop, ba-ba-ba doo-wa, doo-waa mmmbop...""

"Rory Bremner: "One two three o'clock, four o'clock rock, five six seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock...""

"Rob Brydon: "If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?""

"Rob Brydon: "Listen to the ground, there is music all around...""

"Rob Brydon: "You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar...""

"Rory Bremner: [as Bob Dylan] "Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me...""

"Rob Brydon: "I, I love the colourful clothes she wears, and the way the sunlight plays upon her hair...""

"Rob Brydon: "Red and yellow and pink and green, orange and purple and blue...""

"Tony Hawks: "Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone...""

"Jo Brand: "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...""

"Tony Hawks: "It ain't no big thing...""

"Tony Hawks: "I met a gin soaked bar-room queen in Memphis, she tried to take me upstairs for a ride...""

"Jo Brand: "I'm forever blowing bubbles...""

"Tony Hawks: "I've been alone with you inside my mind, and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times, I sometimes see you pass outside my door, Hello...""

"Jo Brand: "All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "At first I was afraid, I was petrified...""

"Graeme Garden: "I close my eyes, drew back the curtain, to see for certain...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "It's been seven hours and sixteen days...""

"Graeme Garden: "People try to put us down...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "It might seem crazy what I'm 'bout to say...""

"Graeme Garden: "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "I'm sitting in the railway station, got a ticket for my destination...""

"Graeme Garden: "I have often walked down this street before, but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "It's a marvellous night for a moondance...""

"Miles Jupp: "If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me...""

"Lucy Porter: "Ooh aah, just a little bit, ooh ahh, a little bit more, ooh ahh, just a little bit...""

"Miles Jupp: "I may not always love you...""

"Miles Jupp: "Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul tonight...?""

"Miles Jupp: "Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like horse and carriage, this I tell you, brother...""

"Lucy Porter: "You know I can't smile without you, I can't smile without you, I can't laugh and I can't sing, I'm finding it hard to do anything...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready...?""

"Harry Enfield: "It's a little bit funny...""

"Harry Enfield: "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Red red wine, goes to my head, makes me forget that I...""

"Harry Enfield: "It won't be easy, you'll think it strange...""

"Harry Enfield: "Nothing you can do 'cos I'm stuck like glue to my guy...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Lovin' you isn't the right thing to do...""

"Barry Cryer: "I'll just have a nibble.""

"Graeme Garden: "It's a trick I learned from Delia...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is your dad joining us?""

"Jeremy Hardy: "If you toss too hard, it'll hit the ceiling.""

"Barry Cryer: "Sorry, I started without you.""

"Graeme Garden: "I thought I'd surprise you with my melon balls.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "You've got to beat it until it's different, but whip lightly or it'll go everywhere!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "That's just for starters...""

"Barry Cryer: "Please, put your phone away until we've finished!""

"Graeme Garden: "It pops up when it's ready.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Blimey, what's this attachment for?""

"Barry Cryer: "Shall I be mother?""

"Graeme Garden: "If you don't like the cucumber, you can take it out.""

"Susan Calman: "Thank you for coming.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful!""

"Richard Osman: "Are the carrots up your end?""

"Rob Brydon: "I'll get the butter and you spread.""

"Susan Calman: "Oh your dad would've loved this.""

"Rob Brydon: "I'm gonna pop it in for 20 minutes.""

"Richard Osman: "I'm glad you enjoyed it, but I've gonna be honest, it was Jamie Oliver.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I've spent the afternoon stuffing olives.""

"Susan Calman: "D'you know, it hasn't risen as much as I would've liked.""

"Richard Osman: "I just thought that if you liked it, we could have the same thing with the Wilsons next week.""

"Susan Calman: "I told you you were too drunk to do it safely!""

"Richard Osman: "If it doesn't come within 20 minutes, you get a free garlic bread.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "That took me ages, you could pretend to like it!""

"Susan Calman: "Well I tell you want, you can finish it off, I'm done.""

"Rob Brydon: "It really is very nice, but I don't think I can fit it all in.""

"Rob Brydon: "Oh bugger, the skin's come off!""

"Susan Calman: "TA-DAAH!""

"Miles Jupp: "Thank you, vicar, that was wonderful.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Do you think you should be videoing this?""

"Pippa Evans: "Well, that was upsetting.""

"Stephen Fry: "I'm sorry, I know I wasn't invited...""

"Pippa Evans: "Will there be sandwiches after?""

"Stephen Fry: "Too soon, too soon...""

"Miles Jupp: "Well, he lasted longer than we thought he would.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He touched all of us in so many different ways...""

"Pippa Evans: "Your dad's probably looking down on us right now.""

"Miles Jupp: "So good of you to come.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Your brother would've enjoyed this.""

"Stephen Fry: "Four men from the Regiment are going to shoot over him as he goes down.""

"Tony Hawks: "How long is this going to last?""

"Alexander Armstrong: "Who invited them?""

"Rachel Parris: "It's not what I would choose, but it was what he wanted.""

"Rev. Richard Coles: "Is the livestream working?""

"Tony Hawks: "Is that your father on the organ?""

"Alexander Armstrong: "Things just won't be the same without your nan.""

"Rachel Parris: "It was all very sudden.""

"Tony Hawks: "I'm so sorry that you had to come under these circumstances.""

"Alexander Armstrong: "It was so moving, I had a lump in my throat at one point.""

"Rev. Richard Coles: "Curtains open or closed?""

"Tony Hawks: "So what are we gonna do with the dog?""

"Rev. Richard Coles: "Would you like a slow peal, vicar?""

"Rachel Parris: "Do you have a tissue?""

"Alexander Armstrong: "Well you can imagine my surprise when I discovered she was alive!""

"Rory Bremner: "God knows how many people have touched those nuts.""

"Andy Hamilton: "If you put some money down, it's your turn next on the table.""

"Pippa Evans: "These are both very wobbly, but I think I can wedge a beermat underneath them.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Well I don't know about you, but I could do with a stiff one.""

"Rory Bremner: "Have you changed hands?""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "We'd better hurry up, the darts team are getting restless!""

"Pippa Evans: "I can pull that for you.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Bottoms up!""

"Andy Hamilton: "YES! ...I was watching the football, sorry...""

"Rory Bremner: "Okay, if you'd just like to pop in your digits...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Is this your stool? ...It's just, would you mind pushing it back in?""

"Milton Jones: "Get off!""

"Jon Culshaw: "Once more unto the breach, dear friends...""

"Fred MacAulay: "I sneaked in the exit during the interval.""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "What a pity Benedict Cumberbatch had to pull out!""

"Milton Jones: "Oh, look over there. There are your parents waving.""

"Jon Culshaw: "We're doing it six days a week and twice on Saturdays.""

"Fred MacAulay: "Magnificent curtains!""

"Milton Jones: "I hear the Duke of York's is going to be out of action for a long time...""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "I wish I brought a cushion.""

"Jon Culshaw: "Now they're too small, I'm going to need the opera glasses.""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "I can't hear you at the back!""

"Milton Jones: "D'you know, I did this for GCSE.""

"Fred MacAulay: "Isn't it amazing that Gielgud and Olivier were both in here over 60 years ago?""

"Jon Culshaw: "Is this a dagger I see before me?""

"Milton Jones: "He's up for a Tony, apparently.""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "Look, I told you, will you wait till I come off before you go on?""

"Jon Culshaw: "We only had ten in last night...""

"Fred MacAulay: "D'you know, I once saw her with Seven Dwarves in Middlesbrough.""

"Fred MacAulay: "Last time I tried this I lost my footing and fell into the pit.""

"Vicki Pepperdine: "While there's a pause, shall we get an ice cream?""

"Milton Jones: "How long is this thing?""

"Tony Hawks: "If there's no screwing involved, I can't see how it's going to stay up.""