American romantic comedy-drama films

"What is it about love that makes us so stupid?"

"Every day, I watch for the old man with the flowers, and I wonder, was he born here? Did he love someone here? Did he lose someone here? He doesn't seem as curious about me, but that's all right. These days, I'm something of a loner myself."

"I'd like to make an offer on the house. This is what I can pay, minus the work on the place, buckets, nails ... chocolate, and a rental car to drive off a cliff when this all turns out to have been a terrible mistake."

"I still got it! I still got it! I still got it! — Thank God!"

"So I was now the owner of a villa whose lands it would take two oxen two days to plow. Owning neither an ox nor a plow, I'd have to take their word for that."

"What are four walls, anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise."

"Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come."

"It's market day in Cortona — the piazza is an on-going party — and everyone is invited."

"In Italian, the literal translation of "to give birth" — "dare alla luce" — is: "to give to the light"."

"The fact that I'm trying to speak Polish in Italy is one of the many surprises around here."

"Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present."

"No matter what happens, always keep your childish innocence. It's the most important thing."

"Signora, please stop being so sad. If you continue like this, I will be forced to make love to you. And I've never been unfaithful to my wife."

"Life is strange."

"You know when you come across one of those empty shell people, and you think "What the hell happened to you?" Well there came a time in each one of those lives where they are standing at a crossroads... someplace where they had to decide whether to turn left or right. This is no time to be a chicken-shit, Frances."

"Jesus, Frances, how do you do it — how do you ever breathe again?"

"She's "Sylvia" in La Dolce Vita. She's very good actually."

"Fefe said "You have to live spherically, in many directions. Never lose your childish enthusiasm and things will come your way.""

"Sorry everybody, unscheduled stop."

"Un signo di Dio. A sign from God."

"What brings you to Positano?"

"There is nothing to regret."

"Life offers you a thousand chances ... all you have to do is take one."

"The Only Thing More Surprising Than The Chance She's Taking...Is Where It's Taking Her"

"Diane Lane - Frances Mayes"

"Sandra Oh - Patti"

"Lindsay Duncan - Katherine"

"Raoul Bova - Marcello"

"Vincent Riotta - Martini"

"Mario Monicelli - Old man with flowers"

"Roberto Nobile - Placido"

"Kate Walsh - Grace"

"Pawel Szajda - Pawel"

"David Sutcliffe - Ed"

"Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see the most glorious birds. Many years later in Brittany, he realized they had only been sea gulls... For me, they will always be... glorious birds."

"I haven't lived... I've died a few times."

"Well, what do you say, Harold? Ah, it's a great life. There's action, adventure, advising, and you'll get a chance to see the war first-hand. And there are plenty of slant-eyed girls. I'll make a man out of you, Harold. You'll travel the world, put on a uniform, and take on a man's job. You'll walk tall, with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step, and the knowledge in your heart that you are working for peace and are serving your country, just like Nathan Hale. Now, that's what this country needs - more Nathan Hales. [He salutes a picture of Nathan Hale] And, Harold, I think I can see a little Nathan Hale in you."

"I would be remiss in my duty, if I did not tell you, that the idea of...... intercourse... and the fact of your firm, young... body..... commingling, with the... withered flesh... sagging... breasts... and flabby b-... buttocks... makes me want... to vomit."

"Ruth Gordon – Dame Marjorie "Maude" Chardin"

"Bud Cort – Harold Parker Chasen"

"Vivian Pickles – Mrs. Chasen"

"Cyril Cusack – Glaucus"

"Ellen Geer – Sunshine Doré"

"Eric Christmas – Priest"

"G. Wood – Psychiatrist"

"Charles Tyner – General Victor Ball"

"Judy Engles – Candy Gulf"

"Shari Summers – Edith Phern"

"Tom Skerritt – as Motorcycle Officer"

"Hedwig: How did some slip of a girlyboy from Communist East Berlin become the internationally ignored song stylist barely standing before you?"

"Hedwig: She came up to me after the show and I thought, "This lady wants a piece of me." So, you know, I was alone, I had nothing in my hand, I was gonna go for the eyes... She came at me from both sides and she gave me a fucking hug."

"Hedwig: Tommy, can you hear me? From this milkless tit you sucked the very business we call show!"

"Hedwig: I scraped by with odd jobs, mostly the jobs we call blow."

"TV: Good things come to those who wait."

"Hedwig: I lost my job at the base PX, and I lost my gag reflex. You do the math."

"Hedwig: It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complementary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarrass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?"

"Hedwig: I grew up listening to the American masters: Toni Tennille, Debbie Boone, Anne Murray--who was actually a Canadian working in the American idiom. Then there were the crypto-homo rockers: Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, David Bowie--who was actually an idiom working in America and Canada."

"Hedwig:(singing) My sex change operation got botched/ My guardian angel fell asleep on the watch/ Now all I've got is a Barbie Doll Crotch/ I got an angry inch!"

"Hedwig:(singing) Now, there was three sexes, one looked like two men back to back/ called the Children of the Sun/ and similar in shape and girth was the Children of the Earth/ They looked like two girls rolled up in one/ And the Children of the Moon looked like a fork shoved on a spoon/ They was part sun, part Earth, part daughter, part son."

"Hedwig: He played me songs. The bands were new to me: Boston, Kansas, America, Europe, Asia. Travel exhausts me."

"Hedwig: You don't put a bra in a dryer. It warps!"

"Tommy: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? Hedwig: No, but I love his work."

"Hedwig: I stumble naked through the ruins, back towards blander, less complicated confections, leaving in my wake a trail of rainbow carnage."

"Hedwig: I got kicked out of university after delivering a brilliant lecture on the aggressive influence of German philosophy on rock and roll entitled "You, Kant, Always Get What You Want""

"Hedwig: I tried singing once, back in Berlin; they threw tomatoes. After the show I had a nice salad."

"[on the loudspeaker] Attention Rex Manning fans, to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by night manager, Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. [chuckles] Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records."

"We mustn't dwell... no, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning day!"

"[answers phone] Empire Records, we're open 'til midnight. [pause] Midnight."

"[into television camera] Damn the man. Save the Empire."

"Open 'til Midnight."

"They're selling music but not selling out."

"Damn the Man! Save the Empire!"

"This music is the glue of the world. It holds it all together."

"What's with today, today?"

"Anthony LaPaglia - Joe Reaves"

"Maxwell Caulfield - Rex Manning"

"Debi Mazar - Jane"

"Rory Cochrane - Lucas"

"Liv Tyler - Corey Mason"

"Johnny Whitworth - A.J."

"Robin Tunney - Debra"

"Renee Zellweger - Gina"

"Ethan Embry - Mark"

"Coyote Shivers - Berko"

"Brendan Sexton - Warren"

"James 'Kimo' Wills - Eddie"

"Brandon Crawford - Couch Kid #2"

"Ben Bodé - Mitchell"

"[first lines, playing over a montage of reunions at Heathrow Airport] Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that [the following words appear on screen] love actually is all around. [the screen turns black, showing the words "love actually"]"

"We may be a small country, but we are a great one. A country of Shakespeare, Churchill, The Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter, David Beckham's right foot, David Beckham's left foot come to that..."

"Oh. Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs..... Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!"

"Thank you, Ant or Dec."

"[after fluffing up recording his song "Christmas is All Around" for the second time] Oh, fuck, wank, bugger, shitting, arse, head and hole!"

"Judy: [to Jack] All I want for Christmas is you."

"Coming soon actually."

"The ultimate romantic comedy."

"Very romantic. Very comedy."

"All You Need Is Love"

"It's All About Love... Actually."

"Hugh Grant – The Prime Minister"

"Martine McCutcheon – Natalie"

"Bill Nighy – Billy Mack"

"Gregor Fisher – Joe"

"Colin Firth – Jamie Bennett"

"Lúcia Moniz – Aurelia"

"Liam Neeson – Daniel"

"Thomas Sangster – Sam"

"Emma Thompson – Karen"

"Alan Rickman – Harry"

"Heike Makatsch – Mia"

"Chiwetel Ejiofor – Peter"

"Andrew Lincoln – Mark"

"Keira Knightley – Juliet"

"Nina Sosanya – Annie"

"Laura Linney – Sarah"

"Rodrigo Santoro – Karl"

"Kris Marshall – Colin Frissell"

"Martin Freeman – John"

"Joanna Page – Just Judy"

"Sienna Guillory – Jamie's Girlfriend"

"Billy Bob Thornton – The US President"

"Ivana Milicevic – Stacey, American Dreamgirl"

"January Jones – Jeannie, American Angel"

"Elisha Cuthbert – Carol-Anne, American Goddess"

"Shannon Elizabeth – Harriet, the sexy one"

"Denise Richards – Carla, the real friendly one"

"Rowan Atkinson – Rufus, jewellery salesman"

"Julia Davis – Nancy the caterer"

"I myself subscribe more to the European philosophy of life, my priorities leaning towards wine, women and... well that's about it."

"Whenever you meet a beautiful woman, just remember somewhere there's a man who's sick of shagging her."

"Anyone in the mood for a little Alfie, straight-up?"

"It seems to me the problems you worry yourself sick about never seem to materialize. It's the ones that catch you unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon that knock you sideways."

"The problem is, she doesn't have enough of the superficial things that really matter."

"In every doomed relationship there comes what I like to call the "oh oooh"-moment. And a certain little something happens and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end. Suddenly you stop and you think: "oh oooh"... iceberg ahead."

"What happens with me is – I don’t know – I get… when it gets too… not close, but something like that, I start to feel… not stifled… not trapped… but, but… something like that and I – you know, you know what I mean."

"I warned them all from the beginning. I always said something along the lines of… I must advise you, I am stamped with an invisible warning: “will not commit”, “will never marry”."

"When I look back on my little life and all the women I’ve known. I can’t help to think about all that they’ve done for me, I hadn’t left up for them, how they looked after me, and cared for me, and I would pay them by never returning the favor. Yeah, I used to think I had the best end of the deal. What have I got… really… some money in my pocket, some nice threads, a fancy car at my disposal, and I am single… unattached, free as a bird. I don’t depend on nobody. Nobody depends on me. My life’s my own. But I don’t have peace of mind. And if you don’t have that, you have nothing. So.. so what’s the answer, I keep asking myself. What’s it all about. You know what I mean."

"Well, no, I've never done it. But it might be worth a try."

"I give her my highest grade: A minus. Look at her - legs like racehorse, perfect yoga bum"

"For us boys its all about FBB, Face-Boobs,Bum"

"[to Paul "Fred" Varjak] It should take you exactly four seconds to cross from here to that door. I'll give you two."

"[to Paul "Fred" Varjak] But I am mad about Jose. I honestly think I'd give up smoking if he asked me."

"[to Paul "Fred" Varjak] You could always tell what kind of a person a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you. I must say, the mind reels."

"[to Paul "Fred" Varjak] There are certain shades of limelight that can wreck a girl's complexion."

"But oh golly! Gee damn!"

"[to Paul "Fred" Varjak] I've got to do something about the way I look. I mean a girl just can't go to Sing Sing with a green face."

"I'm like Cat, here. We're a couple of no-name slobs."

"[to Paul "Fred" Varjak] It's useful being top banana in the shock department!"

"[to Paul "Fred" Varjak] Ahh . . . Do I detect a look of disapproval in your eye? Tough beans buddy, 'cause that's the way it's gonna be."

"[singing] Moon River, wider than a mile I'm crossing you in style some day Oh, dream maker, my heart breaker Wherever you're going, I'm going your way …"

"[to Holly Golightly] You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing", and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

"[to Holly Golightly] I don't think I've ever drunk champagne before breakfast before. With breakfast on several occasions, but never before, before."

"[to Holly Golightly] And I always heard people in New York never get to know their neighbors."

"It's brilliant, being depressed; you can behave as badly as you like."

"We have one of those conversations where everything clicks, meshes, corresponds, locks, where even our pauses, even our punctuation marks, seem to be nodding in agreement."

"I agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like... Books, records, films—these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the fuckin' truth, and by this measure I was having one of the best dates of my life."

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"

"Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."

"I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."

"I could've wound up having sex back there. And what better way to exorcise rejection demons than to screw the person who rejected you, right? But you wouldn't be sleeping with a person, you'd be sleeping with the whole sad, single-person culture. It'd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky if you weren't Rocky."

"It made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex, and while we were doing that, share a bed with someone at the same time. Only people of a certain disposition are sure they're going to be alone for the rest of their lives at age 26, and we were of that disposition."

"Then I lost it. Kinda lost it all, you know. Faith, dignity, about fifteen pounds."

"I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week and they just started showing up, every day. That was four years ago."

"Jesus. I'm glad I know nothing about psychotherapy, about Jung and Freud and that lot. If I did, I'd probably be extremely frightened by now: the woman who wants to have sex in the place where she used to go for walks with her dead dad is probably very dangerous indeed."

"Read any women's magazine and you'll find the same complaint over and over again: men are not interested in foreplay and they are hopeless in bed. They are selfish, greedy, clumsy, and unsophisticated. These complaints I can't help feeling are kind of ironic 'cause back then, all we wanted was foreplay and girls weren't interested. We were told not to even think about it. Foreplay changes from being something that boys want to do and girls don't, to something that women want and men can't be bothered with. The perfect couple, if you ask me, is the Cosmo woman and the fourteen-year old b-b-b-boy."

"People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands—literally thousands—of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives."

"It would be nice to think that since I was 14 times have changed, relationships have become more sophisticated, females less cruel, skins thicker, instincts more developed, but there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one."

"Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breasts that I would try to touch between her legs instead. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for fifty grand instead."

"My desert island, all-time, top-five most memorable breakups, in chronological order, are as follows: Alison Ashmore; Penny Hardwick; Jackie Alden; Charlie Nicholson; and Sarah Kendrew. Those were the ones that really hurt. [Yelling to Laura out the window] Can you see your name on that list, Laura? Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten. But there's just no room for you in the top five, sorry. Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak you're just not capable of delivering."

"Top five things I miss about Laura. One; sense of humor. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body. Two; she's got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest, and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character. Three; I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home. [lipsyncs four, while holding up four fingers] I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects and it's not that she doesn't care it's just, she's not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And five; she does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep, she kinda half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times... it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy but it's just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff and that's the kind of thing that got me here."

"Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do's and don'ts. First of all, you 're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing."

"The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up is hard to do. It takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick it off with a killer to grab attention. Then you gotta take it up a notch. But you don't want to blow your wad. So then you gotta cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway, I've started to make a tape, in my head, for Laura. Full of stuff she'd like. Full of stuff that'd make her happy. For the first time I can sorta see how that's done."

"Some people never got over 'Nam, or the night their band opened for Nirvana. I guess I never really got over Charlie. But, the thing I learned from the whole Charlie debacle? You gotta punch your weight. See, Charlie? She was out of my class. She was too pretty. Too smart, too witty, too much."

"Rob, I'm telling you this for your own good, that's the worst fuckin' sweater I've ever seen, it's a Cosby sweater. A Cooooosssssssby sweataahhhh."

"Rob. Top 5 musical crimes perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the 80s and 90s go... Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins... is it better to burn out or fade awaaay?"

"Ah man, that's great. That's the fun thing about workin' in a record store - you get to play crappy pop you don't even wanna listen to."

"John Cusack - Rob Gordon"

"Iben Hjejle - Laura"

"Jack Black - Barry Judd"

"Todd Louiso - Dick"

"Catherine Zeta-Jones - Charlie Nicholson"

"Lisa Bonet - Marie DeSalle"

"Sara Gilbert - Annaugh Moss"

"Lili Taylor - Sarah Kendrew"

"Joan Cusack - Liz"

"Tim Robbins - Ian "Ray" Raymond"

"Joelle Carter - Penny Hardwick"

"You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason, and she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls floating around. And there was, like, snot running down my nose, right? And she gave me her sleeve - and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself: Wow. This is love...this is love."

"This is my life, Dad. This is it. I've spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are gonna be okay. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are, and that will be better, okay? I think that will be better."

"[To Sam] I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."

"It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic."

"My mom just died. God, it's weird to say it out loud. But, my mom just died."

"You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the beginning of something really big, but right now, I gotta go."

"We're not playing "Spin the Bottle." How old are we? More importantly, how old are they?"

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of a sudden even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. Maybe that’s all family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

"You gotta hear this one song. It'll change your life, I swear."

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

"This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before, and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing."

"What's the word that's burning in your heart?"

"If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like."

"Wow! I cannot believe you're not really retarded!"

"My mom always says that, when she can see I'm, like, working something out in my head. She's like, "You're in it right now" and I'm looking at you telling this story, and you're definitely in it."

"OK, so, sometimes I lie. I mean I'm weird, man, about random stuff too. I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tic. I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, "Wow, that wasn't even remotely true"."

"I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done."

"My hair's blowin' in the wind."

"Sidecars are for bitches."

"The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money."

"Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole."

"I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

"Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago."

"Hey, if you ever need a Kato, you know where to find me."

"Mark's Mom: Oh, guys, don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector. It was beeping all night."

"Dr. Cohen: You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half...for example."

"Kenny: Your mom just died! ..... I mean, that's why you're home."

"Zach Braff - Andrew Largeman"

"Natalie Portman - Sam"

"Peter Sarsgaard - Mark"

"Ian Holm - Gideon Largeman"

"Michael Weston - Kenny"

"Jean Smart - Carol"

"Jim Parsons - Tim"

"Ron Liebman - Dr. Cohen"

"Denis O'Hare - Albert"

"For reasons passing understanding, people do not relate guns to gun-related crime."

"For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being President of this country was, to a certain extent, about character. And although I've not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I have been here three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation - being President of this country is entirely about character. For the record, yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU, but the more important question is, why aren't you, Bob? Now this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so it naturally begs the question, why would a Senator, his party's most powerful spokesman and a candidate for President, choose to reject upholding the Constitution? Now if you can answer that question, folks, then you're smarter than I am, because I didn't understand it until a few hours ago. America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You've gotta want it bad, 'cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say, "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours." You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the land of the free. I've known Bob Rumson for years, and I've been operating under the assumption that the reason Bob devotes so much time and energy to shouting at the rain was that he simply didn't get it. Well, I was wrong. Bob's problem isn't that he doesn't get it. Bob's problem is that he can't sell it! We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things, and two things only: making you afraid of it, and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle age, middle class, middle income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family, and American values and character, and you wave an old photo of the President's girlfriend and you scream about patriotism. You tell them she's to blame for their lot in life. And you go on television and you call her a whore. Sydney Ellen Wade has done nothing to you, Bob. She has done nothing but put herself through school, represent the interests of public school teachers, and lobby for the safety of our natural resources. You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, 'cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league. I've loved two women in my life. I lost one to cancer. And I lost the other 'cause I was so busy keeping my job, I forgot to do my job. Well, that ends right now. Tomorrow morning, the White House is sending a bill to Congress for its consideration. It's White House Resolution 455, an energy bill requiring a twenty percent reduction of the emission of fossil fuels over the next ten years. It is by far the most aggressive stride ever taken in the fight to reverse the effects of global warming. The other piece of legislation is the Crime Bill. As of today, it no longer exists. I'm throwing it out. I'm throwing it out and writing a law that makes sense. You cannot address crime prevention without getting rid of assault weapons and handguns. I consider them a threat to national security, and I will go door-to-door if I have to, but I'm gonna convince Americans that I'm right, and I'm gonna get the guns. We've got serious problems, and we need serious people. And if you want to talk about character, Bob, you'd better come at me with more than a burning flag and a membership card. If you want to talk about character and American values, fine. Just tell me where and when, and I'll show up. This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your fifteen minutes are up. My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I AM THE PRESIDENT!"

"How do you have patience for people who claim they love America, but clearly can't stand Americans?"

"Why can't the most powerful man in the world have the one thing he wants most?"

"Michael Douglas - President Andrew Shepherd"

"Annette Bening - Sydney Ellen Wade"

"Martin Sheen - A. J. MacInerney"

"Michael J. Fox - Lewis Rothschild"

"Anna Deavere Smith - Robin McCall"

"David Paymer - Leon Kodak"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Senator Bob Rumson"

"Step out of the ordinary"

"A new comedy about following your own lead."

"Richard Gere - John Clark"

"Jennifer Lopez - Paulina"

"Susan Sarandon - Beverly Clark"

"Lisa Ann Walter - Bobbie"

"Stanley Tucci - Link Peterson"

"Anita Gillette - Miss Mitzi"

"Bobby Cannavale - Chic"

"Omar Miller - Vern"

"Tamara Hope - Jenna Clark"

"Stark Sands - Evan Clark"

"Richard Jenkins - Devine"

"Nick Cannon - Scott"

"Karina Smirnoff - Link's Pouty Dance Partner"

"Mýa Harrison - Vern's Fiancée"

"Ja Rule - Hip-Hop Bar Performer"

"Tony Dovolani - Slick Willy"

"Cesar Corrales - Dancer"

"Slavik Kryklyvyy - Paulina's Pro Ballroom (finale)"

"There's an old joke: two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The the other joke important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious. And it goes like this, I'm paraphrasing: Um, I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. You know, lately, the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something, I dunno, and I'm not worried about aging, I'm not one of those characters, you know I, well I'm balding slightly on top, that's about the worst you can say about me. I um I think I'm gonna get better as I get older. You know, I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to say, the um distinguished gray, for instance, you know, unless I'm neither of those two. Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism. Annie and I broke up, and I still can't get my mind around that, you know, I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind and and examining my life and trying to figure out where did the screw up come, you know, and mm a year ago, we were in love, you know, and and and I just, and it's funny, I'm not a I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character, you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess, I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II."

"[voiceover] My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories, but I swear, I was brought up underneath the roller coaster in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous, I think. You know, I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little, and uh I I I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. My father ran the bumper car concession. Th-there he is, and there I am. Right. I I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh but, "Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym." And uh, of course, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. I must say, I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass, you know, his fat little face and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss Perfect all the time and uh Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always."

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself; but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss."

"You know, even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem. When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen."

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

"After that it got pretty late, and, we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her, and I thought of that old joke. You know, this guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships– you know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs."

"[repeated line] La-dee-da, la-dee-da."

"Woody Allen - Alvy Singer"

"Diane Keaton - Annie Hall"

"Carol Kane - Allison"

"Tony Roberts - Rob"

"Paul Simon - Tony Lacey"

"Shelley Duvall - Pam"

"Janet Margolin - Robin"

"Colleen Dewhurst - Mrs. Hall"

"Christopher Walken - Duane Hall"

"Joan Neuman - Mrs. Singer"

"Dick Cavett - Himself"

"Jeff Goldblum - Lacey Party Guest"

"Beverly D'Angelo - Actress in Rob's TV Show"

"Sigourney Weaver - Alvy's Date Outside Theatre"

"Mark Lenard - Navy Officer"

"I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it."

"[Helen lights a cigarette] It's going to be hard to take care of us if you're dead, too."

"Landlord: I am only available between eight thirty and nine in the morning because I have a life."

"Kate Hudson - Helen Harris"

"John Corbett - Pastor Dan Parker"

"Joan Cusack - Jenny Portman"

"Hayden Panettiere - Audrey Davis"

"Spencer Breslin - Henry Davis"

"Abigail Breslin - Sarah Davis"

"Helen Mirren - Dominique"

"Sakina Jaffrey - Nilma Prasad"

"Kevin Kilner - Ed Portman"

"Felicity Huffman - Lindsay Davis"

"Sean O'Bryan - Paul Davis"

"Amber Valletta - Martina"

"[voiceover] "Chapter One. He adored New York City. He idol­ized it all out of proportion." Uh, no, make that: "He-he . . . romanticized it all out of proportion." Yeah. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black-and-white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin." Uh, no let me start this over. "Chapter One. He was too romantic about Manhattan as he was about everything else. He thrived on the hustle bustle of the crowds and the traffic. To him, New York meant beautiful women and street-smart guys who seemed to know all the angles." Nah, corny, too corny for a man of my taste [He clears his throat.] Let me - let me try and make it more profound. "Chapter One. He adored New York City. To him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. The same lack of individual integrity that cause so many people to take the easy way out was rapidly turning the town of his dreams in-" No, it's gonna be too preachy. I mean, you know, let's face it, I wanna sell some books here. "Chapter One. He adored New York City, although to him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. How hard it was to exist in a society desensitized by drugs, loud music, televi­sion, crime, garbage." Too angry. I don't wanna be angry. "Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat." I love this. "New York was his town, and it always would be.""

"(Offscreen) An idea for a short story about um people in Manhattan who uh are constantly creating these real, uh, unnecessary, neurotic problems for themselves 'cause it keeps them from dealing with more unsolvable, terrifying problems about, uh, the universe. (The camera pulls back, revealing Ike, sprawled out on his couch, holding the recorder's microphone to his mouth. He continues to talk, fiddling with the microphone's wire as he thinks out loud.) (Into the microphone, sighing) Um, tsch-it's, uh . . . well, it has to be optimistic. Well, alright, why is life worth living? That's a very good question. (Sighing) Um. (Clearing his throat, then sighing again) Well, there are certain things I-I guess that make it worthwhile. (Sighing) Uh, like what? (Sighing again and scratching his neck) Okay. Um, for me . . . (Sighing) uh, ooh, I would say . . . what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing . . . uh, ummmm, and (Sighing) Willie Mays and um, the second movement of the Jupiter Symphony, and ummmm... (Exhaling) Louie Armstrong's recording of "Potato Head Blues" . . . (Sighing) umm, Swedish movies, naturally . . . Sentimental Education by Flaubert . . . uh, Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra . . . (Sighing) ummm, those incredible apples and pears by Cézanne . . . (Sighing) uh, the crabs at Sam Wo's . . . uh, Tracy's face."

"This is so antiseptic. It's empty. Why do you think this is funny? You're going by audience reaction? This is an audience that's raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!"

"You rely too much on the brain. The brain is the most overrated organ."

"[to Yale and Emily Pollack and Tracy] Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage."

"[to Yale Pollack] You shouldn't ask me for advice. When it comes to relationships with women, I'm the winner of the August Strindberg Award."

"[to Tracy] I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."

"I can't express anger. That's my problem. I internalize everything. I just grow a tumor instead."

"She's 17. I'm 42, and she's 17. I'm older than her father, can you believe that? I'm dating a girl, wherein, I can beat up her father."

"[to Mary Wilke] You know a lot of geniuses, y'know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y'know, you could learn something."

"[to Mary Wilke] I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion."

"[to Yale Pollack] What are you telling me, that you're, you're, you're gonna leave Emily, is this true? And, and run away with the, the, the winner of the Zelda Fitzgerald emotional maturity award?"

"[to Isaac Davis] It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography."

"[to Isaac Davis] Not everybody gets corrupted. You've got to have faith in people."

"Woody Allen - Isaac Davis"

"Diane Keaton - Mary Wilke"

"Michael Murphy - Yale Pollack"

"Mariel Hemingway - Tracy"

"Meryl Streep - Jill Davis"

"Anne Byrne - Emily Pollack"

"Wallace Shawn - Jeremiah"

"Karen Ludwig - Connie"

"Charles Levin, Karen Allen, and David Rasche as Television actors"

"Mark Linn-Baker and Frances Conroy as Shakespearean actors"

"I think I killed a duck."

"Suddenly I realized – two people isn't enough. You need backup. If there are only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number. You need three at least."

"I wanna be with her more, I wanna be with her all the time, and I wanna tell her things I don't even tell you or mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all those things, I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not."

"He fancies you. He told me."

"You're right. You can't help me. How could you? You're a stupid person who watches TV all day and buys things. You don't give a shit about anybody, and nobody gives a shit about you!"

"[Thinking] I used to think two wasn't enough. Now there were loads of people... I don't know what Will was so upset about. All I meant was I don't think couples are the future. You need more than that. You need backup. The way I saw it, Will and I both had backup now. It's like that thing he told me Jon Bon Jovi said: "No man is an island.""

"In my opinion, all men are islands. And what's more, now's the time to be one. This is an island age."

"[voiceover] She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite or cable. So we were always stuck watching some crap made-for-TV movie about a kid with leukemia. I was going to have to end it. But having been Will the Good Guy I didn't relish going back to my role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally-stunted Arsehole."

"[Regarding the first SPAT meeting] I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my own penis off with a kitchen knife."

"It was horrible. Horrible. But driving fast behind the ambulance was fantastic."

"The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show. I was the star of The Will Show. And The Will Show wasn't an ensemble drama. Guests came and went, but I was the regular. It came down to me, and me alone. If Marcus' mum couldn't manage her own show if her ratings were falling, it was sad, but that was her problem. Ultimately, the whole single-mum plot line was a bit complicated for me."

"I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully dishevelled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in?"

"Me, I didn't mean anything. About anything, to anyone. I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life."

"[In the supermarket, his father's song begins to play] Shit! It can't be. November-the-sodding-19. Six weeks before Christmas and already they were playing the bloody thing."

"I'm a bloody island! I'm bloody Ibiza!"

"No, Marcus, I do not want to come over for Christmas. I do not want to spend Christmas with Ms. Granola Suicide and her spawn."

"Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in."

"My life is made up of units of time. Buying CDs – two units. Eating lunch – three units. Exercising – two units. All in all, I had a very full life. It's just that it didn't mean anything."

"The crying in the morning thing, the depression. Let's get that fixed."

"So there I was, killing them softly with my song. Or rather, being killed. And not that softly, either. I was singing with my eyes closed. Was I frightened? I was petrified."

"[Thinking] Every man is an island. And I stand by that. But clearly, some men are part of island chains. Below the surface of the ocean they're actually connected."

"[After being asked to be Imogene's godfather] I couldn't possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogene. You know me, I'll drop her at her christening. I'll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I'll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let's face it, you know, try and shag her."

"Fiona: [to Will] You're a selfish bastard."

"Fiona: [to Marcus] When you sing, it brings sunshine and happiness into my heart."

"Lindsey's Mum: 'Sheikh Yur Az' [Shake your ass]... is he Moroccan?"

"Lindsey's Mum: Are we having duck? Delicious!"

"Ellie: [to Marcus] What did you just say to me? You heard me, squitty little shitty snot-nosed bastard!"

"Hugh Grant – Will"

"Nicholas Hoult – Marcus"

"Toni Collette – Fiona"

"Rachel Weisz – Rachel"

"I'll have a scotch on the rocks, please. Any scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course. Single malt, Glen Livet, Glen Galley, perhaps, any Glen."

"Cocktails first. Questions later."

"Get a nightlife."

"There ain't nothing wrong with letting a girl know that you're money, and that you want to party."

"This movie plays reality."

"You're money and you don't even know it!"

"Jon Favreau - Mike Peters"

"Vince Vaughn - Trent Walker"

"Ron Livingston - Rob"

"Patrick Van Horn - Sue"

"Alex Désert - Charles"

"Heather Graham - Lorraine"

"Deena Martin - Christy"

"Katherine Kendall - Lisa"

"Brooke Langton - Nikki"

"Stephanie Ittelson - Vegas Waitress"

"Like I could tip a cow BY MYSELF!"

"[to Lurlynn] Look at you, you have a baby... In a bar. [Lurlynn: Hell, I got 3 more at home! This one’s still on the tit, so I can cart him anywhere.]"

"You dumb stubborn redneck hick."

"Well, you must be Jake's hot date. I'm Melanie, Jake's snotty Yankee bitch wife whom he refuses to divorce even though I'm engaged to another man."

"[Drunk, at the bar] Oh Bobby Ray....why don't you just go to a gay bar. [Eldon: What would B-Ray do at a gay bar?]"

"The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back."

"You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake, and I want you to be the last."

"[After punching Kate] Nobody talks to my mama like that! [Earl Smooter: Praise the Lord, the South has risen again!]"

"[On seeing her father in his Confederate uniform] Christ Almighty, Daddy, how am I gonna explain you in New York?"

"[Seeing her father in his Confederate uniform, leaving to go to 'battle'] "People need a passport to come down here.""

"Well for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce."

"[after leaving Andrew at the altar as a thunderstorm is approaching] Hey, y'all! If you're friends of the bride, stick around! I'm gonna go find me a groom!"

"[final line] Hey, Stella! Make it a slow one."

"[about the divorce papers Melanie wants him to sign] The only reason I ain't signin’ is cause you've turned into some hoity toity Yankee bitch and I'd like nothin’ better right now than to piss you off."

"Honey, just 'cause I talk slow don't mean I'm stupid."

"[after looking at divorce papers] I better have my lawyer take a look at these. I'm just a simple country boy. There's all kinds of big words in here I can't even pronounce. Hell, you might be takin' me to the cleaners for all I know. [Melanie: The cleaners—you?]"

"Since when does it have to be one or the other? You can have roots and wings, Mel."

"Nobody finds their soul mate when they're ten. I mean, where's the fun in that, right?"

"Why don't you go back to your double-wide and fry something?"

"What ever happened to responsible journalism?"

"There is nothing wrong with poor people. I get elected by poor people."

"[after Melanie tells Andrew that she still loves Jake at the wedding] I've never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful...and I'm in politics."

"[to Melanie] Woo-oo. You look like sex on a stick in that Frederick Montana getup."

"You can take the girl out of the honky tonk, but you can't take the honky tonk out of the girl."

"We weren't aimin' for ya, but I doubt I woulda gone to your funeral."

"Well, aren't you just a big fat liar?"

"[about a pair of handcuffs] Might wanna save those for the honeymoon! [laughs with Frederick Montana before exchanging a look]"

"You can't ride two horses with one ass, sugarbean."

"[to Kate] Careful, you just smashed the state bird of Alabama."

"Well even if he is a Yankee, at least he's sober."

"[after Melanie punches Kate] Praise the Lord, the South has risen again!"

"Andrew: You married your cousin?"

"Pearl: How many times does your only daughter get married? [awkward pause] Well, other than the other time."

"Sometimes What You're Looking for Is Right Where You Left It."

"Fall... in love."

"Reese Witherspoon - Melanie Smooter/Carmichael"

"Josh Lucas - Jake Perry"

"Patrick Dempsey - Andrew Hennings"

"Candice Bergen - Mayor Kate Hennings"

"Mary Kay Place - Pearl Smooter"

"Fred Ward - Earl Smooter"

"Jean Smart - Stella Kay"

"Ethan Embry - Bobby Ray Bailey"

"Melanie Lynskey - Lurlynn, Melanie's best friend"

"Courtney Gains - Wade"

"Mary Lynn Rajskub - Dorothea"

"Rhona Mitra - Tabatha Wadmore-Smith, Melanie's best friend from New York"

"Nathan Lee Graham - Frederick Montana"

"Thomas Curtis - Young Jake"

"Dakota Fanning - Young Melanie"

"The Master of the Revels despises us all for vagrants and peddlers of bombast. But my father, James Burbage, had the first license to make a company of players from Her Majesty, and he drew from poets the literature of the age. We must show them that we are men of parts. Will Shakespeare has a play. I have a theatre. The Curtain is yours."

"I would stay asleep my whole life, if I could dream myself into a company of players."

"[to her Nurse] I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that overthrows life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play."

"Write me well."

"I know something of a woman in a man's profession. Yes, by God, I do know about that."

"[to Lord Wessex] Have her then, but you're a lordly fool. She's been plucked since I saw her last, and not by you... it takes a woman to know it."

"Master Kent, as I foretold, Lord Wessex has lost his wife to the theater. Go, make your farewell, and send her out."

"Love denied blights the soul we owe to God."

"You see? The comsumptives plot against me. "Will Shakespeare has a play, let us go and cough through it.""

"[last lines] My story starts at sea... a perilous voyage to an unknown land... a shipwreck... The wild waters roar and heave... The brave vessel is dashed all to pieces, and all the helpless souls within her drowned... all save one... a lady... whose soul is greater than the ocean... and her spirit stronger than the sea's embrace... Not for her a watery end, but a new life beginning on a stranger shore. It will be a love story... for she will be my heroine for all time. And her name will be... Viola."

"A Comedy About the Greatest Love Story Almost Never Told..."

"Love is the only inspiration."

"Joseph Fiennes - Will Shakespeare"

"Gwyneth Paltrow - Viola De Lesseps"

"Judi Dench - Queen Elizabeth"

"Geoffrey Rush - Philip Henslowe"

"Colin Firth - Lord Wessex"

"Tom Wilkinson - Hugh Fennyman"

"Ben Affleck - Ned Alleyn"

"Steve O'Donnell - Lambert"

"Tim McMullen - Frees"

"Steven Beard - Makepeace"

"Patrick Barlow - Will Kempe"

"Martin Clunes - Richard Burbage"

"Rupert Everett - Christopher Marlowe"

"Sandra Reinton - Rosaline"

"Simon Callow - Edmund Tylney"

"Imelda Staunton - Nurse"

"Jill Baker - Lady De Lesseps"

"Nicholas Le Prevost - Sir Robert De Lesseps"

"Joe Roberts - John Webster"

"I have always liked movies, and sometimes an image or a scene or a character stays with me for years and inspires me when I write. For example: the magic in Fanny and Alexander or the story within a story of Shakespeare in Love."

"This is all going to end badly."

"All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'."

"I feel a hate crime coming on."

"[to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?"

"Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee!"

"What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?"

"I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy!"

"I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak!"

"Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories."

"It's not who you love, it's how."

"If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened."

"Look, man, we miss this [train], and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz."

"I love you…I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But—I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't—I can't look into your eyes without feeling that—that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.And I know, this will probably queer our friendship—no pun intended—but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But, God, I just—I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something, too. And all I ask, please, is that you just—you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which—while I do appreciate it—I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of."

"[on the phone with Holden after she paged him] One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch."

"Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!"

"I love you, I always will. Know that. [slaps Holden] But I'm not your fucking whore."

"[pointing at Holden] See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man."

"Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, ain't nobody supportin' my ass."

"All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex."

"Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat…he was the king of queen Archie's world."

"You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money.""

"[to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass."

"Sex is easy. Love is hard."

"Finally, a comedy that tells it like it feels."

"Ben Affleck - Holden McNeil"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Alyssa Jones"

"Jason Lee - Banky Edwards"

"Dwight Ewell - Hooper X"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Casey Affleck - Little Kid"

"Guinevere Turner - Singer"

"Carmen Lee - Kim"

"Brian O'Halloran - Jim Hicks - Executive #1"

"Matt Damon - Shawn Oran - Executive #2"

"Ethan Suplee - Fan"

"Scott Mosier - Collector"

"I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed."

"I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be my kinky inclination."

"If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face."

""It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let 'em kill me with panache."

"Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass."

"My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne."

"What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?"

"You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!""

"You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate."

"You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know."

"Thank you Neil Simon for making us laugh at falling in love…again."

"Richard Dreyfuss - Elliott Garfield"

"Marsha Mason - Paula McFadden"

"Quinn Cummings - Lucy McFadden"

"Paul Benedict - Mark"

"Barbara Rhoades - Donna"

"Theresa Merritt - Mrs. Crosby"

"Michael Shawn - Ronnie"

"Patricia Pearcy - Rhonda"

"Who had I become? Just another shark in a suit? Two days later at our corporate conference in Miami, a breakthrough. Breakdown? Breakthrough. I couldn't escape one simple thought: I hated myself. No, no, no, here's what it was: I hated my place in the world. I had so much to say and no one to listen. And then it happened. It was the oddest, most unexpected thing. I began writing what they call a mission statement. Not a memo, a mission statement. You know, a suggestion for the future of our company. A night like this doesn't come along very often. I seized it. What started out as one page became twenty-five. Suddenly, I was my father's son again. I was remembering the simple pleasures of this job, how I ended up here out of law school, the way a stadium sounds when one of my players performs well on the field. The way we are meant to protect them in health and in injury. With so many clients, we had forgotten what was important.I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and I'm not even a writer. I was remembering even the words of the original sports agent, my mentor, the late great Dickie Fox who said: 'The key to this business is personal relationships.' Suddenly, it was all pretty clear. The answer was fewer clients. Less money. More attention. Caring for them, caring for ourselves and the games, too. Just starting our lives, really. Hey - I'll be the first to admit, what I was writing was somewhat touchy-feely. I didn't care. I have lost the ability to bullshit. It was the me I'd always wanted to be. I took it in a bag to a Copymat in the middle of the night and printed up a hundred and ten copies. Even the cover looked like The Catcher in the Rye. I entitled it 'The Things We Think and Do Not Say: The Future of Our Business.'...Everybody got a copy...I was 35. I had started my life."

"Bob Sugar said I don't understand what it's like to be a black man? I'm Mister black people!"

"I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game featuring you, while singing your own song in a new commercial, starring you, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not sleep until that happens. I'll give you fifteen minutes to call me back."

"Look I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you my kind of success."

"I got a shelf life of ten years, tops. My next contract's gotta bring me the dollars that'll last me and mine a long time. Shit, I'm out of this sport in 5 years. What's my family gonna live on? Huh?"

"Anyone else would have left you by now, but I'm sticking with you. And if I have to ride your ass like Zorro, you're gonna show me the money."

"Everybody loved him... Everybody disappeared."

"The rest of his life begins now."

"The journey is everything."

"Show me the money!"

"Tom Cruise - Jerry Maguire"

"Cuba Gooding Jr. - Rod Tidwell"

"Renée Zellweger - Dorothy Boyd"

"Kelly Preston - Avery Bishop"

"Jerry O'Connell - Frank Cushman"

"Jay Mohr - Bob Sugar"

"Bonnie Hunt - Laurel Boyd"

"Regina King - Marcee Tidwell"

"Jonathan Lipnicki - Ray Boyd"

"Todd Louiso - Chad the Nanny"

"Mark Pellington - Bill Dooler"

"Jeremy Suarez - Tyson Tidwell"

"Jared Jussim - Dicky Fox"

"Glenn Frey - Dennis Wilburn"

"Eric Stoltz - Ethan Valhere"

"Beau Bridges - Matt Cushman"

"Drake Bell - Jesse Remo"

"Lucy Liu - Former Girlfriend"

"Emily Procter - Former Girlfriend"

"Roy Firestone - Himself"

"Al Michaels - Himself"

"Dan Dierdorf - Himself"

"Frank Gifford - Himself"

"Mel Kiper - Himself"

"Jeffrey Lurie - Himself (as Jeff Lurie)"

"Drew Rosenhaus - Himself"

"Rich Kotite - Himself"

"Mike Tirico - Himself"

"Wayne Fontes - Himself"

"Johnnie Morton - Himself"

"Rick Mirer - Himself"

"Drew Bledsoe - Himself"

"Rob Moore - Himself"

"Ki-Jana Carter - Himself"

"Herman Moore - Himself"

"Art Monk - Himself"

"Troy Aikman - Himself"

"Katarina Witt - Herself"

"Warren Moon - Himself"

"Kerry Collins - Himself"

"Jim Irsay - Himself"

"I've had this feeling ever since I graduated. This kind of compulsion that I have to be rude all the time...It's like I was playing some kind of game, but the rules don't make any sense to me. They're being made up by all the wrong people. I mean no one makes them up. They seem to make themselves up."

"I wish I was that age again because Ben...you'll never be young again...Ben, can I say something to you?...uh, how long have we known each other now? How long have you and I known each other? How long have your dad and I been partners?...I watched you grow up, Ben...In many ways, I feel as though you were my own son...So I hope you won't mind my giving you a friendly piece of advice...I think you ought to be taking it a little easier right now than you seem to be...Sow a few wild oats, take things as they come, have a good time with the girls and so forth...You have yourself a few flings this summer. I'll bet you're, you're quite a ladies man...You look to me like the kind of guy who has to fight 'em off. [To Mrs. Robinson, who enters] Now doesn't he look to you like the kind of guy who has to fight 'em off?"

"All right, now listen to this. I don't know whether I can prosecute, but I think I can. I think I can get you behind bars if you ever look at my daughter again. Now, I've seen Elaine, and I've made damn sure you can't get to her. Stay away from me, Ben! I don't want to mince words with you. As far as Elaine is concerned, you're to get her out of your filthy mind right now! Is that perfectly clear to you? And that's all, Ben. You'll pardon me if I don't shake hands with you. I think you are filth. I think you are scum. You are a degenerate!"

"Dustin Hoffman — Benjamin Braddock"

"Anne Bancroft — Mrs. Robinson"

"Katharine Ross — Elaine Robinson"

"William Daniels — Mr. Braddock"

"Murray Hamilton — Mr. Robinson"

"Elizabeth Wilson — Mrs. Braddock"

"Buck Henry — Room clerk"

"Walter Brooke — Mr. McGuire"

"Brian Avery — Carl Smith"

"Norman Fell — Mr. McCleery"

"Marion Lorne — Miss DeWitte"

"Alice Ghostley — Mrs. Singleman"

"Eddra Gale — Woman on bus"

"[after being pulled over] Maybe I can sedyyyyyuce my way out of a ticket...oh shit, it is a white man! OK, Juwanna, you can still pull this off."

"[after seeing Jamal in the team mascot's costume] A third career.....Where do u find the time?"

"The only reason why I stayed with your lyin', cheatin' ass is because you were rich and famous."

"[while being interviewed] In my country, penis okay; My mother have penis, and my sister."

"Do you see that banner up there? It says the "Charlotte Banshees", not the "Charlotte Juwannas"!"

"I am looking for a "dare to be great" situation."

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

"She broke up with me. What do I do? Can she come back? How can I get her back? I can't - I can't get her to talk to me. It's all so fucked up. I feel like crying. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."

"[leaving a message for Diane] Maybe I didn't really know you. Maybe you were just a mirage. Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault. I'm been thinking about all these things and... you're probably standing there monitoring. And one more thing - about the letter. Nuke it. Flame it. Destroy it. - It hurts me to know it's out there. Later."

"What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it."

"She's got every thing going for her. He's going for her with every thing he's got."

"To know Lloyd Dobler is to love him. Diane Court is about to know Lloyd Dobler."

"A Lloyd meets girl story"

"John Cusack - Lloyd Dobler"

"Ione Skye - Diane Court"

"John Mahoney - Jim Court"

"Lili Taylor - Corey Flood"

"Polly Platt - Mrs. Flood"

"Bebe Neuwirth - Mrs. Evans"

"Jeremy Piven - Mark"

"Eric Stoltz - Vahlere"

"Philip Baker Hall - IRS Boss"

"Joan Cusack - Constance Dobler"

"Julia Roberts - Anna Scott"

"Hugh Grant - William Thacker"

"Richard McCabe - Tony"

"Rhys Ifans - Spike"

"James Dreyfus - Martin"

"Tim McInnerny - Max"

"Gina McKee - Bella"

"Mischa Barton - 12-year-old Actress"

"Emma Chambers - Honey"

"Hugh Bonneville - Bernie"

"Alec Baldwin - Jeff King"

"I'm not lost. Somebody just moved my street."

"Violet, I saw how hard it was on your mom when she didn't make it, but if she was here she'd tell me to shut up, wish you luck and give you a big hug. I'm not going to give you a big hug and I'm not going to wish you luck, but I am going to shut up, sit here with my coffee and pretend to be mad. Is that okay?"

"No, it's not okay. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. You're not going back to work for Pete. I don't care what it takes. I don't care how many bars you have to stand on. You are not coming home. I'm not letting you back in the house. Forget it."

"Hey, do I come to your office and honk?"

"Okay, everybody, shut up! I'd like you to meet my new girl, whose name is... Jersey! Jersey, is an ex kindergarten teacher, and a former nun, who just escaped from the convent, and is tired of being the only virgin in New York City! Would anyone like to buy her a drink?"

"Is this a church meeting or is this a bar? Make some noise!"

"Piper Perabo - Violet Sandford"

"Adam Garcia - Kevin O'Donnell"

"John Goodman - Bill Sandford"

"Maria Bello - Liliana "Lil" Lovell"

"Izabella Miko - Cammie"

"Tyra Banks - Zoe"

"Bridget Moynahan - Rachel"

"Melanie Lynskey - Gloria"

"LeAnn Rimes - Herself"

"I don't need anybody. Do you hear what I said? Do you hear what I said this time? Wanna know the truth? I coulda had any girl I wanted, in school. Any girl I wanted. You know why I didn't have a girlfriend? Huh? Because there was nobody that I liked. Nobody that I liked. That's the truth. I coulda had anybody. There was nobody that I liked because girls stink. They stink. They're evil, and they're all bad. All of them. They're all backstabbers, like you.""

"Vincent Gallo as Billy Brown"

"Christina Ricci as Layla"

"If you really love me, let's make a vow — right here, together... right now."

"We have a whole life to live together you fucker, but it can't start until you call."

"Call me, if you ever feel too old to drive."

"Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck me! Fuck old people! Fuck children! Fuck peace! Fuck peace..."

"I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it."

"You know some kids don't even have one home and now you get to have two. Think about that."

"We will never touch your foot with our hands. Now I'll tell you what I can do, I can press on the shoe to see if it fits. I can go like this. [presses the toe of the shoe]"

"[after taking off the bandage from his hand] It needs air. It needs to do some living. Let's take my hand for a walk."

"I would love to believe in a universe where you wake up and don't have to to go to work and you step outside and meet two beautiful 18-year-old sisters who are also girlfriends and are also very nice people."

"But this is better 'cause it won't matter if we mess up. And we'll be together."

"So, do you have anything new in the chest? You know, the hope chest."

"Email wouldn't even exist if it weren't for AIDS."

"Ask her if she likes baloney."

"Miranda July's Me and You and Everyone We Know is a film that with quiet confidence creates a fragile magic. It's a comedy about falling in love when, for you, love requires someone who speaks your rare emotional language. Yours is a language of whimsy and daring, of playful mind games and bold challenges. Hardly anybody speaks that language, the movie suggests — only me, and you, and everyone we know, because otherwise we wouldn't bother knowing them. As a description of a movie, I suppose that sounds maddening. An example: A young woman walks into a department store, and in the shoe department, she sees a young man who fascinates her. His hand is bandaged. She approaches him and essentially offers the gift of herself. He is not interested; he's going through a divorce and is afraid of losing his children. She asks him how he hurt his hand. "I was trying to save my life," he says. … Now imagine these two characters, named Christine (Miranda July) and Richard (John Hawkes) as they walk down the street. She suggests that the block they are walking down is their lives. And so now they are halfway down the street and halfway through their lives, and before long they will be at the end. It is impossible to suggest how poetic this scene is; when it's over, you think, that was a perfect scene, and no other scene can ever be like it. … Miranda July is a performance artist; this is her first feature film (it won the Special Jury Prize at Sundance, and at Cannes won the Camera d'Or as best first film, and the Critics' Week grand prize). Performance art sometimes deals with the peculiarities of how we express ourselves, with how odd and wonderful it is to be alive. So does this film. As Richard slowly emerges from sadness and understands that Christine values him, and he must value her, for reasons only the two of them will ever understand, the movie holds its breath, waiting to see if their delicate connection will hold. Me and You and Everyone We Know is a balancing act, as July ventures into areas that are risky and transgressive, but uses a freshness that disarms them, a directness that accepts human nature and likes to watch it at work."

"Now, I'll begin at the beginnin'. A fine soft day in the spring it was when the train pulled into Castletown three hours late as usual, and himself got off. He didn't have the look of an American tourist at all about him. Not a camera on him. And what was worse, not even a fishing rod."

"Ah, yes. I knew your people, Sean. Your grandfather, he died in Australia, in a penal colony. And your father, he was a good man too."

"Is this a courting or a donnybrook? Have the good manners not to hit the man until he's your husband and entitled to hit you back."

"John Wayne - Sean Thornton"

"Maureen O'Hara - Mary Kate Danaher"

"Barry Fitzgerald - Michaleen Oge Flynn"

"Victor McLaglen - Squire "Red" Will Danaher"

"Ward Bond - Father Peter Lonergan"

"Mildred Natwick - The Widow Sarah Tillane"

"Francis Ford - Dan Tobin"

"Arthur Shields - Rev. Cyril Playfair"

"Charles FitzSimons - Hugh Forbes"

"I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember."

"Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free."

"Trust me. Everybody is less mysterious than they think they are."

"Most of the sex I've had in my life was not as personal as that kiss."

"Welcome to the annual meeting of people who annually meet, and we'll see ya'll next year."

"I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them."

"I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people."

"To have never taken a solitary road trip across country? I mean everybody's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music."

"Some music needs air. Roll down your window."

"Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room."

"I spend so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem ... that I forget what the problem actually was."

"I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened."

"And so we all became helpers, which I so can't help. I can't help helping."

"Life cannot be so cruel that we don't deserve to be together... to eat."

"I'm wearing these clothes. I mean... Have you ever had unlucky clothes? This dress that you like? Good things have not happened to me in this dress. But I saw it tonight and I said: "I'm gonna give you one more chance." And I refuse to be let down by this dress again."

"I'm completely cool with anything you want to say or not say."

"You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard ...and proceed."

"As somebody once said, there's a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is simply the non-present of success. Any fool can accomplish failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions. A fiasco is a folktale told to others, that makes other people feel more... alive. Because it didn't happen to them."

"No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also... life."

"In that moment, I knew success, not greatness, was the only god the world served."

"Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks. There's one right now."

"You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this. [kisses Claire]"

"Hollie Baylor: We were complete opposites and it worked. And something happened between us that was not part of the plan... we were in love."

"Jessie Baylor: I teach my kids about the things that really matter. I will teach them about Abraham Lincoln and Ronnie Van Zandt, because they are equally important in my house."

"Orlando Bloom - Drew Baylor"

"Kirsten Dunst - Claire Colburn"

"Susan Sarandon - Hollie Baylor"

"Alec Baldwin - Phil DeVoss"

"Bruce McGill - Bill Banyon"

"Judy Greer - Heather Baylor"

"Jessica Biel - Ellen Kishmore"

"Paul Schneider - Jesse Baylor"

"Loudon Wainwright III - Uncle Dale"

"Gailard Sartain - Charles Dean"

"Jed Rees - Chuck Hasboro"

"Jim Fitzpatrick - Rusty"

"Paula Deen - Aunt Dora"

"Dan Biggers - Uncle Roy"

"Alice Marie Crowe - Aunt Lena"

"Tim Devitt - Mitch Baylor"

"Ted Manson - Sad Joe"

"Shane Lyons - Charlie Bill"

"Emily Rutherfurd - Cindy Hasboro"

"If anyone orders Merlot I am leaving. I am not drinking fucking Merlot!"

"It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit."

"[Describing his passion for Pinot Noir] It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and... ancient on the planet.""

"I feel like a thumbprint on the skyscraper of life."

"To open a bottle of 61 cheval blanc is enough reason to open a bottle of 61 cheval blanc."

"[Describing her passion for wine] I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it's an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I'd opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it's constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your '61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline."

"You don't understand my plight."

"Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!"

"Paul Giamatti - Miles"

"Thomas Haden Church - Jack"

"Virginia Madsen - Maya"

"Sandra Oh - Stephanie"

"I was driving to work this morning thinking I will be here, in two months, it'll be ten years. And, you're like my real family. Isn't that tragic? [laughter] I got a call from my mother this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, and hinted around the fact that I wasn't making enough money, if you can call, 'Are you still making that same salary, honey?' a hint. [laughter] And my ex-wife used to say the same thing, although she never used the word 'honey'. [laughter] So, maybe in three years I can double my income?... Four years? Okay. So, you're great people to work with, and this is a great present, and I wish I could squeeze all of you into one pretty woman. [laughter] And if you'd like to go to my office, I'll try. [laughter] Thanks a lot."

"The first true story of what happens after you die."

"Albert Brooks - Daniel Miller"

"Meryl Streep - Julia"

"Rip Torn - Bob Diamond"

"Lee Grant - Lena Foster"

"Buck Henry - Dick Stanley"

"Shirley MacLaine - Herself"

"George D. Wallace - Daniel's Judge"

"Lillian Lehman - Daniel's Judge"

"[Mick has bought Tess some lingerie for her birthday] Y'know, Mick, just once I could go for like a sweater or some earrings... something that I could actually wear outside of this apartment?"

"[from her new, private office] Hey, Cyn. Guess where I am."

"I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?"

"[looking at a dress] Six thousand dollars? It's not even leather!"

"Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna. Never will."

"You got it! Oh, my God! I can't believe it! She's out! She made it out! She got out! She has her own office!"

"[Upon reading Tess' day planner] Why that little... slut! That goddamn little... bitch! Secretary!"

"[on computer] Dear Jack, There's a light bulb over my head. I know Trask and you know media. And that adds up to us finally doing a deal together. Let's run with it. Best, Katherine."

"For anyone who's ever won. For anyone who's ever lost. And for everyone who's still in there trying."

"I don't like to brag, but I can suck the engine block through the tailpipe of a '58 Chevy."

"How come if God talks to Joseph Smith, he's a prophet, but if God talks to me I'm schizophrenic?"

"Maybe you could try and reach down in your Bible geek soul and be cool for just two seconds?"

"Ok asshole, the way I see it you've got a big mouth and only one arm to back it up. So's how's it gonna look when a big flamer kicks the shit out of you?"

"Dammit, what's wrong with you? You want revelations engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven. But what if this is it instead? Me telling you I love you, right here, in the snow? I think that's pretty miraculous."

"I mean, LA is a city where everyone dances with one eye on the door, like we're all waiting for something better to walk in. But would we ever recognise it if we did? It might be nice to stop circling. it might be nice to stop equating sex with a handshake. It might be nice to have it mean something."

"Could be worse, could be raining. Oh yeah: it IS raining."

"When I first came to Los Angeles, it looked like just this mass of dots, all jumbled and disconnected. ...It was pretty disorienting."

"Look at yourself. You're so pretty and colorful on the outside, but inside you're nothing but fluff. You're like a walking, talking marshmallow Peep!"

"I can't believe what I was about to do, when there is nothing, Christian, nothing about you that is not skin-deep."

"When I was a little kid, I use to put my face right up to them, you know, um, and I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots, I think life is like that sometimes. But I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this... it makes sense. It's not just dots. And instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and it's funny and it's good. From this close we, we can't expect it to make sense, right now."

"We're colours and whites - we don't mix."

"[after having sex with Christian] Well, I'm already going to Hell for kissing you, so I may as well take the scenic route."

"[confronting his mother] What if it's not something I've done? What if it's who I am?"

"Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good."

"Fuck you, I'm Donna Reed on a stick."

"[On Mormons] Oh, honey, you do not want to let them get into your psyche. You start off listening to Amy Grant, but then, before you know, it's 3am and you got your Visa card and you're giving it to that scary bitch on TV with the lavender hair."

"Aaron prays, Christian plays. Opposites attract."

"Steve Sandvoss — Elder Aaron Davis"

"Wes Ramsey — Christian Markelli"

"Rebekah Johnson — Julie Taylor"

"Joseph Gordon-Levitt — Elder Paul Rider"

"Khary Payton — Andrew"

"D'you know our high school reunion's comin' up? Ten years... D'you know how depressing that is? D'you think I don't wanna slash my fucking wrists when I think about that? Goddamn it!"

"Steven, you drive like my fucking grandma! Wait... that's actually an insult because my grandma drives better than you do!"

"[Being thrown out for throwing a tantrum in a mall.] Fucking suburbanized shit!"

"Steven Schoichet: I look both ways when I cross the street."

"Heidi Schoichet: [seeing Steven in his underwear, with his dummy dressed as a child] Steven? Gross! You look like a child molester."

"The story of a dummy and his man."

"Sometimes you need a little help finding yourself."

"A comedy about finding your voice before you lose your mind."

"Some people can say a lot without moving their lips."

"Adrian Brody - Steven Schoichet"

"Milla Jovovich - Fangoria "Fannie" Gurkel"

"Illeana Douglas - Heidi Schoichet"

"Vera Farmiga - Lorena Fanchetti"

"Jessica Walter - Fern Schoichet"

"Ron Leibman - Lou Schoichet"

"Jared Harris - Michael Foulicker"

"It's about falling in love. For the first time."

"There's nothing wrong with being different."

"A boy that just won't be beaten."

"Corey Haim - Lucas"

"Kerri Green - Maggie"

"Charlie Sheen - Cappie"

"Courtney Thorne-Smith - Alise"

"Winona Ryder - Rina"

"Tom Hodges - Bruno"

"Ciro Poppiti - Ben"

"Guy Boyd - Coach"

"Jeremy Piven - Spike"

"Michelle Trachtenberg as Casey Carlyle"

"Amy Stewart as Ann"

"Joan Cusack as Joan Carlyle"

"Kim Cattrall as Tina Harwood"

"Hayden Panettiere as Gennifer "Gen" Harwood"

"Trevor Blumas as Teddy Harwood"

"Kirsten Olson as Nikki Fletcher"

"Jocelyn Lai as Tiffany Lai"

"Connie Ray as Mrs. Fletcher"

"Paul Sun-Hyung Lee as Mr. Lai"

"Juliana Cannarozzo as Zoe Bloch"

"Kristina Whitcomb as Ms. Fisher Le"

"Signe Ronka as Emma Flanders"

"Thanh Nguyen as Hot Dog Boy"

"What I used to be able to pass off as a bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life."

"[to Grover, at the airport, about Otis] This is useless. We just have to walk away like mothers in nursery school."

"What about me? You've got enough friends, a new one is bad for you. You start spreading your affection around and it runs thin, believe me."

"I found myself writing 'wake up' and 'go to bed' in my day planner as if they are two different events."

"You know, even though all 618 of us were wearing caps and gowns out there today, I couldn't help but think it was a coincidence that we were both wearing black."

"[to Chet] I like that you drink. I like a bartender who drinks. Otherwise I feel like I'm being poisoned."

"You know, despite my efforts, my intense efforts to do nothing... things happen anyway."

"[to Miami] I begged you not to get off Prozac."

"If Plato is a fine red wine, then Aristotle is a dry martini."

"Josh Hamilton - Grover"

"Olivia d'Abo - Jane"

"Carlos Jacott - Otis"

"Chris Eigeman - Max"

"Eric Stoltz - Chet"

"Jason Wiles - Skippy"

"Parker Posey - Miami"

"Elliott Gould - Grover's Dad"

"Marissa Ribisi - Charlotte"

"Dean Cameron - Zach"

"Kaela Dobkin - Audra"

"Perrey Reeves - Amy"

"Cara Buono - Kate"

"Noah Baumbach - Danny"

"When we were kids I borrowed some things. It was never ever theft! In each case I either told you... or was about to."

"You are far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We have some idea what S&M is about. There's movies and books about it. But so far as I know, there is nothing to explain the way you are."

"My jazz rule is: If you can't dance to it, you don't want to know about it."

"Positive thinking is fine in theory. But whenever I try it on a systematic basis... I end up really depressed."

"Have you ever heard of Maneuver X? When you get deeply into sales, you realize that every major transaction involves a mini identity crisis for the buyer. You think, "Green carpet. Am I really a green carpet person?" In romance, the same thing applies but on a humongous scale. But what is Maneuver X? It's removing all pressure, creating a space that the customer has to affirmatively cross. Only by disappearing more thoroughly and inexplicably than Montserrat can I change the current dynamic. Will it? I don't know. I think it will. If not, I'm dead."

"I don't go to bed with just anyone anymore. I have to be attracted to them sexually."

"Ramon is very persuasive, and he painted a terrible picture of what it would be like for her to live the rest of her life in America, with all of its crime, consumerism, and vulgarity. All those loud, badly dressed, fat people watching their eighty channels of television and visiting shopping malls. The plastic throw-everything-away society with its notorious violence and racism. And finally, the total lack of culture."

"Americans. Anti Americans. In Love."

"Taylor Nichols - Ted Boynton"

"Chris Eigeman - Fred Boynton"

"Tushka Bergen - Montserrat Raventos"

"Mira Sorvino - Marta Ferrer"

"Pep Munné - Ramon"

"Hellena Schmied - Greta"

"Núria Badia - Aurora Boval"

"Thomas Gibson - Dickie Taylor"

"What am I going to do with my life? You know I didn't think college was actually going to end."

"I don't need any new ideas. I'm confused enough already."

"Repression is not such a bad thing."

"I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable failure."

"[holds up a banana] Man is like a banana. Strong and firm, bright and phallic, and he's protected by his all-important shield. But, when a woman comes along, you know, she sees this bright phallic beast and she wants it. So, she starts peeling away your all-important shield. [peels the banana] First, she wants to see your romantic side, then she wants to see your passionate side, finally she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side. She keeps peeling and peeling until your left there buck naked, totally exposed with your balls blowing in the wind. And that's when she gets her knife, and she cuts away your manhood piece by piece until she's having your cock in her corn flakes."

"Jack McMullen: I am a progressively modern, politically correct housewife."

"Jack is trying to save his marriage, Patrick is in a hopeless relationship, but their biggest problem is Barry's brotherly advice."

"Shari Albert - Susan"

"Maxine Bahns - Audrey"

"Catharine Bolz - Mrs. McMullen"

"Connie Britton - Molly McMullen"

"Edward Burns - Barry/Finbar McMullen"

"Peter Johansen - Marty"

"Jennifer Jostyn - Leslie"

"Mike McGlone - Patrick McMullen"

"Elizabeth McKay - Ann"

"Jack Mulcahy - Jack McMullen"

"You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role playing, but the simple truth is that I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you."

"[in her audition] Oh I know what y'all really want is some gross caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head."

"[to April, dressed only in bra and panties] What kind of mother would I be if I didn't give my girls tits... tips?"

"Mike, I really appreciate you're doing this, but... it is just for the money, isn't it? It's not just so you can wear these little outfits?"

"There is nothing you can do for me. I just have to feel like this until I don't feel like this anymore and you're gonna have to know that you're the one that made me feel this way."

"Well, good night, Michael. It was a wonderful party. My date left with someone else. I had a lot of fun. Do you have any Seconol?"

"George Fields: [to Dorothy/Michael] I begged you to get therapy."

"John Van Horne: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] Does Jeff know?"

"Ron Carlisle: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] I knew there was a reason she didn't like me!"

"This Is a Hell of a Way To Make a Living."

"Desperate, he took a female role and became a star. If only he could tell the woman he loves."

"He's Tootsie... She's Dustin Hoffman"

"What do you get when you cross a hopelessly straight starving actor with a dynamite red sequined dress? You get America's hottest new actress."

"Can you keep a secret? In the next 72 hours, this desperate, unemployed actor will secretly audition for the lead of a soap opera. And become America's hottest new actress."

"Dustin Hoffman - Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels"

"Jessica Lange - Julie Nichols"

"Teri Garr - Sandy Lester"

"Dabney Coleman - Ron Carlisle"

"Charles Durning - Les Nichols"

"Bill Murray - Jeff Slater"

"Sydney Pollack - George Fields"

"George Gaynes - John Van Horn"

"Geena Davis - April Page"

"Doris Belack - Rita Marshall"

"Lynne Thigpen - Jo"

"Adrienne Shelly - Maria Coughlin"

"Martin Donovan - Matthew Slaughter"

"Merritt Nelson - Jean Coughlin"

"John MacKay - Jim Slaughter"

"Edie Falco - Peg Coughlin"

"Karen Sillas - Nurse Paine"

"[about Jake's caricature] Why a man would keep such a horrible picture of himself is beyond me."

"Clark Gable - Van Stanhope"

"Jean Harlow - Helen 'Whitey' Wilson"

"Myrna Loy - Linda Stanhope"

"May Robson - Mimi Stanhope"

"James Stewart - Dave"

"I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me that's that before I beat the Hell from you."

"Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And, and I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?"

"I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem."

"I have so much strength inside of me. You have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say "That's that", Mattress Man."

"I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are."

"Dean Trumbell: Fuck you. You're a pervert. Think you can be a pervert and not pay for it?"

"Lena: So, here we go."

"Adam Sandler - Barry Egan"

"Emily Watson - Lena Leonard"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman - Dean Trumbell"

"Mary Lynn Rakskub - Elizabeth Egan"

"Luis Guzmán - Lance"

"Robert Smigel - Walter the Dentist"

"He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers."

"I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!"

"It's not like I had a hysterectomy. I just got fired."

"I have work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage."

"Hey! I'm a non-practicing virgin."

"You look like a doily."

"Are employee snacks subsidized?"

"There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake."

"I am not required to make the world a better place."

"Honey, the only thing you have to be at age 23 is yourself."

"There's no point to any of this. It's just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moments where your laughter becomes a cackle... and I, I sit back and smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt."

"I'm bursting with fruit flavor."

"You have reached the winter of our discontent."

"He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented."

"Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship."

"My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years."

"My parents have been married for 26 years. Theyre like brother and sister at this point. She goes to the bathroom with the door open. That would be "A". And "B" that's disgusting."

"Don't you ever wish you were a lesbian?"

"It's not like its happening to me. It's like it's in a crappy show like Melrose Place."

"Evian is naive spelled backwards."

"I truly believe that if we can get two women on the supreme court, we can get at least one on you."

"[after coming out to his mother] I wanna be miserable and happy and all that. I wanna be let back into the house."

"My goal is... I'd like a career or something."

"Life is always funnier when it happens to someone else."

"A comedy about love in the 90's"

"Winona Ryder - Lelania Pierce"

"Ethan Hawke - Troy Dyer"

"Ben Stiller - Michael Grates"

"Janeane Garofalo - Vickie Milner"

"Steve Zahn - Sammy Gray"

"Parminder Nagra — Jessminder "Jess" Bhamra"

"Keira Knightley — Juliette "Jules" Paxton"

"Jonathan Rhys Meyers — Joe"

"Juliet Stevenson — Paula Paxton"

"Frank Harper - Alan Paxton"

"Ameet Chana - Tony"

"Shaheen Khan — Mrs. Bhamra"

"Anupam Kher - Mr. Bhamra"

"Archie Panjabi - Pinky Bhamra"

"Shaznay Lewis - Mel"

"On November 1, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861."

"As for myself, I very often stay on at the office and work for an extra hour or two, especially when the weather is bad. It's not that I'm overly ambitious, it's just a way of killing time, until it's all right for me to go home. You see, I have this little problem with my apartment...I live in the West Sixties, just half a block from Central Park. My rent is $85 a month. It used to be eighty until last July when Mrs. Lieberman (Frances Lax), the landlady, put in a second-hand air conditioning unit. It's a real nice apartment - nothing fancy - but kind of cozy - just right for a bachelor. The only problem is - I can't always get in when I want to."

"Y'know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe. I mean shipwrecked among 8 million people. And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand and there you were."

"How could I be so stupid? You would think I should have learned by now. When you're in love with a married man you shouldn't wear mascara."

"Why do people have to love people anyway?"

"Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it."

"I wonder how long it takes to get someone you're stuck on out of your system. They should invent a pump for that."

"Jack Lemmon - Calvin Clifford (C. C.) "Bud" Baxter"

"Shirley MacLaine - Fran Kubelik"

"Fred MacMurray - Jeff D. Sheldrake"

"Ray Walston - Joe Dobisch"

"Jack Kruschen - Dr. Dreyfuss"

"David Lewis - Al Kirkeby"

"Hope Holiday - Mrs. Margie MacDougall"

"Joan Shawlee - Sylvia"

"Naomi Stevens - Mrs. Mildred Dreyfuss"

"Johnny Seven - Karl Matuschka"

"Joyce Jameson - The blonde"

"Willard Waterman - Mr. Vanderhoff"

"David White - Mr. Eichelberger"

"Edie Adams - Miss Olsen"

"I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it. Anywhere I go, you go, my dear. And whatever is done by only me... is your doing, my darling. I fear no fate... for you are my fate, my sweet. I want no world, for, beautiful... you are my world, my true. Here is the deepest secret no one knows. Here is the root of the root... and the bud of the bud... and the sky of the sky of a tree called life... which grows higher than the soul can hope... or mind can hide. It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart."

"The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem... f... filled... with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. Even losing you... the joking voice, a gesture I love... I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like... Write it!... like disaster."

"It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart."

"You're not going to look like this forever, you know. Eventually you'll be older, and all of the men who foot your bill now will be buying drinks for women half your age and then what will you do? Well, you'd better think of something because middle-aged tramps aren't cute, they're pathetic."

"A thong would look ridiculous on me - I wear cotton briefs. My life is about working long hours, planning trips I'll never take, and settling for love found on the pages of romance novels."

"Amy: Which one are you crying about, the predatory prick or the shit-for-brains tramp? Because neither one deserves your tears."

"Simon Stein: [reading from one of Rose's romance novels] "His fingers tangled in her curls while his tongue plundered the soft cavern of her mouth. She made no protests. Her furnace was alight. Jack drew his lips from hers and urged her forward so he could take one shirt-veiled nipple into his mouth. Kit's gasp urged him on. He licked the material until it clung to the right peak then drew the turgid flesh deep into his mouth. Kit moaned, her body spasming in response. Her eyes were closed, her lips parted." Okay, um, embarrassing as this is to admit, I'm officially turned on."

"Friends. Rivals. Sisters."

"Cameron Diaz - Maggie Feller"

"Toni Collette - Rose Feller"

"Shirley MacLaine - Ella Hirsch"

"Ken Howard - Michael Feller"

"Brooke Smith - Amy"

"Candice Azzara - Sydelle Feller"

"Richard Burgi - Jim Danvers"

"Anson Mount - Todd"

"Mark Feuerstein - Simon Stein"

"Eric Balfour - Grant"

"Francine Beers - Mrs. Lefkowitz"

"Alan Blumenfeld - Mr. Stein"

"Andy Powers - Tim"

"Ivana Miličević - Caroline, Maggie and Rose's mother (in photos)"

"Norman Lloyd - The Professor"

"Benton Jennings - Shoe Salesman John Johnson"

"Jennifer Weiner - Smiling woman"

"When you look at me, do you see your mom?"

"[After kissing] Don't (say anything), you'll ruin it."

"Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love."

"First of all, why would I get myself mixed up with a guy who I know first hand would jump into an airplane bathroom with the first girl that comes a-knocking?"

"Emily, I'm flat broke. I don't have a job. I don't have a plan. And I know, I know I'm probably six years too late, but will you give me strike one back?"

"[annoyed] Gabe the babe."

"The thing is, how can I be there for her if I don't even have my thing figured out? You know?"

"Well, if it wasn't love, it was a lot like it."

"My brother's deaf, Em. I can go days without talking."

"God, Oliver! You are such a dick! C'mon, let's just start without him!"

"There's nothing better than a great romance... to ruin a perfectly good friendship."

"Ashton Kutcher - Oliver Martin"

"Amanda Peet - Emily Friehl"

"Kathryn Hahn - Michelle"

"Kal Penn - Jeeter"

"Ali Larter - Gina"

"Taryn Manning - Ellen Martin"

"Tyrone Giordano - Graham Martin"

"Amy Aquino - Diane Martin"

"Gabriel Mann - Peter"

"Jeremy Sisto - Ben Miller"

"Moon Bloodgood - Bridget"

"Someone once said, "Live everyday as if it were you last, cause one of these, it's gonna be the last." Jack was right, a part of me did die that day, the part of me that didn't know how to live. What the future holds, Jack knows. But when I talk to him, I make sure we only talk about sports and weather."

"Destiny is what you make of it."

"What if you only had seven days to live."

"You know, it's so insane that someone you've never met, never talked to can be your enemy."

"I just want them to know that they didn't break me."

"If somebody doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."

"Duckie, please!"

"May I admire you again today?"

"God, Andie, I would have died for you!"

"Blane? His name is Blane?! That's a major appliance, that's not a name!"

"Drinking and driving don't mix, that's why I ride a bike."

"Well, that's very nice. I'm glad. Well here's... here's the point, Andie. I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me, because I live to like you and... and I can't like you anymore. So... so when you're feeling real low and... and dirty, don't look to me to pump you back up 'cause... 'cause... 'cause maybe for the first time in your life I won't be there!"

"It's called a sense of humor - you should get one - they're nice."

"It's the end of the month, they're out of toilet seat covers!"

"This is an incredibly romantic moment, and you're ruining it for me!"

"We don't have none of this stuff in the boy's room! Wait a minute! We don't got none of this... we don't got doors on the stalls in the boy's room, we don't have, what is this? What's this? We don't have a candy machine in the boy's room!"

"I'm off like a dirty shirt."

"This is a really volcanic ensemble you're wearing, it's really marvelous!"

"Good morning! Welcome to another day of higher education!"

"You buy everything, Steff. You couldn't buy her, though, that's what's killing you, isn't it? That's it, Steff. She thinks you're shit. And deep down, you know she's right."

"You said you couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in you. I believed in you, I always believed in you. I just didn't believe in me. I love you... [kisses Andie on the cheek] Always. [starts to leave]"

"Look, I don't want to take you home. I mean, I'd like to be with you. If not here, somewhere else. Anywhere you want. I'm sorry. What can I say? I made a mistake. I overestimated my friends. I'm sorry. What, do you wanna hit me?"

"Well, listen, any girl who did that to me, I would not be too jazzed to hold onto, Blane. It's not worth it, man. I told you it isn't gonna work, you know. This girl was, is, and will always be nada."

"Andie, you're a bitch."

"[to Duckie] You got a problem, friend?"

"A little, lingering doubt perhaps, Blane? You know, you gotta give her credit though. I mean, after you dumped her, she certainly went out and found herself what I'd have to say is probably the most interesting date that our generation..."

"[finishes stapling records to the window display] Applause, applause, APPLAUSE."

"[On the phone with boyfriend] Bondage has no place in my life. Since when? Since I spent the night tied up in the backseat of your car!"

"Andie, hon. Listen, it's after 7:00. Don't waste good lip gloss."

"Bouncer at CATS: Love's a bitch, Duck. Love's a bitch."

"Principal: If you give off signals that you don't want to belong, people will make sure that you don't."

"He's Good. She's Good. He's just Duckie."

"He's crazy about her. She's crazy about him. He's just crazy."

"Blane's a pretty cool guy. Andie's pretty in pink. And Duckie's pretty crazy."

"The laughter. The lovers. The friends. The fights. The talk. The hurt. The jealousy. The passion. The pressure. The real world."

"Molly Ringwald - Andie Walsh"

"Harry Dean Stanton - Jack Walsh"

"Jon Cryer - Philip F. "Duckie" Dale"

"Andrew McCarthy - Blane McDonnagh"

"James Spader - Steff McKee"

"Annie Potts - Iona"

"It ain't what people call you, it's what you answer to."

"All my life I had to fight... I luz hahpo, But I kill him dead fo' I let him beat me!"

"You don't know me, I'm from the old school honey. I will beat the hell outta' you first and ask questions later!"

"Lil' girl, if you don't stop POPPIN' THAT GUM-!"

"You don't know me! I'm a thug! I'm a real thug! I shot Tupac! That's right, we was arguin' over a parking space. I didn't kill him though, that wasn't me!"

"I'll take the prison for 200 Alex"

"[after being told by the girl i don't like you ether old lady] she trying to get me the electric chair all ready."

"I only go to church for weddings and funerals. I wonder what i'm going for today?"

"Love is stronger than any other addiction, baby. Hell, it is one."

"STOP THAT FIGHTING I SAY!!!!!"

"Well this is hot GEORGIAA..Not PARIS.. so we don't wear Dressin.."

"I just said I was sorry."

"Do you wanna leave me? DO YOU WANNA LEAVE ME!?"

"You love making me angry don't you?"

"Learn dignity. Demand respect."

"There's nothing broken that can't be fixed with love."

"This February, you're invited."

"Come as you are. Leave different."

"Tyler Perry - Brian, Joe, and Mabel Simmons (Madea)"

"Keke Palmer - Nikki Grady"

"Blair Underwood - Carlos"

"Lynn Whitfield - Victoria Breaux"

"Lisa Arrindell Anderson - Vanessa Breaux"

"Rochelle Aytes - Lisa Breaux"

"Boris Kodjoe - Frankie Henderson"

"China Anne McClain - Tamara"

"Henry Simmons - Isaac"

"Maya Angelou - Aunt May"

"Jenifer Lewis - Milay Jenay Lori"

"Tangi Miller - Donna"

"Cicely Tyson - Myrtle"

"Johnny Gill - Wedding singer"

"Cassi Davis - Aunt Sarah"

"Georgia Allen - Aunt Ruby"

"Nicholas Ortiz - Himself"

"Judge Mablean Ephriam (cameo) - Herself"

"David Wiebers - Wedding Musician (trumpet)"

"After all, a lot of people are going to think we are a shocking pair."

"[to his father] You've said what you had to say. You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life? So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad. You don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life, you will never understand. You are 30 years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be. And not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the deadweight of you be off our backs! You understand? You've got to get off my back! Dad. Dad. You're my father. I'm your son. I love you. I always have and I always will. But you think of yourself as a colored man. I think of myself as a man. Hmm? Now, I've got a decision to make, hmm? And I've got to make it alone. And I gotta make it in a hurry. So, would you go out there and see after my mother?"

"Now, Mr. Prentice, clearly a most reasonable man, says he has no wish to offend me, but wants to know if I'm some kind of a nut. And Mrs. Prentice says that like her husband, I'm a burnt-out old shell of a man who cannot even remember what it's like to love a woman the way her son loves my daughter. And strange as it seems, that's the first statement made to me all day with which I am prepared to take issue. Because I think you're wrong. You're as wrong as you can be.I admit that I hadn't considered it, hadn't even thought about it, but I know exactly how he feels about her. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that your son feels for my daughter that I didn't feel for Christina. Old? Yes. Burnt out? Certainly. But I can tell you the memories are still there – clear, intact, indestructible. And they'll be there if I live to be 110. Where John made his mistake, I think, was attaching so much importance to what her mother and I might think. Because in the final analysis, it doesn't matter a damn what we think. The only thing that matters is what they feel, and how much they feel for each other. And if it's half of what we felt, that's everything.As for you two and the problems you're going to have, they seem almost unimaginable. But you'll have no problem with me. And I think that uh, when Christina and I and your mother have some time to work on him, you'll have no problem with your father, John. But you do know – I'm sure you know – what you're up against. There'll be a hundred million people right here in this country who'll be shocked and offended and appalled at the two of you. And the two of you will just have to ride that out. Maybe every day for the rest of your lives. You can try to ignore those people or you can feel sorry for them and for their prejudices and their bigotry and their blind hatreds and stupid fears. But where necessary, you'll just have to cling tight to each other and say screw all those people! Anybody could make a case, and a hell of a good case, against your getting married. The arguments are so obvious that nobody has to make them. But you're two wonderful people who happened to fall in love and happen to have a pigmentation problem. And I think that now, no matter what kind of a case some bastard could make against your getting married, there would be only one thing worse. [Matthew's voice softening] And that would be if – knowing what you two are, knowing what you two have, and knowing what you two feel – you didn't get married."

"[lets his words sink in to everyone, and seeing his wife Christina in tears]"

"Well, Tillie, when the hell are we gonna get some dinner?"

"[the tension immediately disappears and the two families – now united – consummate their union with dinner]"

"[to her assistant, Hilary, in the driveway] Now I have some instructions for you. I want you to go straight back to the gallery – Start your motor – When you get to the gallery tell Jennifer that she will be looking after things temporarily, she's to give me a ring if there's anything she can't deal with herself. Then go into the office, and make out a check, for "cash," for the sum of $5,000. Then carefully, but carefully Hilary, remove absolutely everything that might subsequently remind me that you had ever been there, including that yellow thing with the blue bulbs which you have such an affection for. Then take the check, for $5,000, which I feel you deserve, and get – permanently – lost. It's not that I don't want to know you, Hilary – although I don't – it's just that I'm afraid we're not really the sort of people that you can afford to be associated with. [Hilary opens her mouth to say something] Don't speak, Hilary, just... go."

"[to Mr. Drayton] He's right about Joey too. You know that, don't you? Thank God he is. That's the way I feel. Thank God he's right. She's 23 years old, and the way she is is just exactly the way we brought her up to be. We answered her questions. She listened to our answers. We told her it was wrong to believe that white people were somehow essentially superior to black people... or the brown or the red or the yellow ones, for that matter. People who thought that way were wrong to think that way. Sometimes hateful, usually stupid, but always wrong. That's what we said. And when we said it, we did not add "But don't ever fall in love with a colored man.""

"[to Mr. Drayton, on patio] What happens to men when they grow old? Why do they forget everything? I believe those two young people need each other, like they need the air to breathe in. Anybody can see that by just looking at them. But you and my husband are … you might as well be blind men. You can only see that they have a problem. But do you really know what's happened to them? How they feel about each other? I believe ... that men grow old. And when the … when sexual things no longer matter to them, they forget it all. Forget what true passion is. If you ever felt what my son feels for your daughter, you've forgotten everything about it. My husband too. You knew once ... but that was a long time ago. Now the two of you don't know. And the strange thing ... for your wife and me ... is that you don't even remember. If you did, how could you do what you are doing?"

"Spencer Tracy – Matt Drayton"

"Sidney Poitier – Dr. John Prentice"

"Katharine Hepburn – Christina Drayton"

"Katharine Houghton – Joanna "Joey" Drayton"

"Beah Richards – Mrs. Mary Prentice"

"You'll come to see that a man learns nothing from winning. The act of losing, however, can elicit great wisdom. Not least of which is, uh... how much more enjoyable it is to win. It's inevitable to lose now and again. The trick is not to make a habit of it."

"Once you find something good Max, you need to take care of it. You need to let it grow."

"[on the book "Death in Venice"] Given the title, I don't think you'll be surprised by the ending."

"Well done. Proves the adage that wisdom can be found in the most unlikely places."

"Pardon my lips. They find joy in the most unusual places."

"Boss, why do you keep calling me 'ALF?' Because, as you're an aggressive little f*ck. As your boss and genetic superior, I can call you anything I want."

"Oh Henry, Bloody Hell."

"Admit it, Love, this is because I wouldn't shag you at the Christmas Party, isn't it?"

"The only thing right about your intelligence is that its all wrong. But you were always at the back of the Conga line."

"'Fraid so - be in touch."

"Real men don't play bridge."

"I'll give you a tip Bert. Never pat a burning dog."

"Kenny, I want the 10 year yield, I want the figures for the Andserson account and I want you to get your scrawny little backside out of my chair. Thank you."

"MacDonalds is in Avignon, fish and chips in Marseille. Allez."

"Morning lab rats."

"Kenny, why don't you go and find some small animals to hurt? I know, find a poodle and punt it off the balcony."

"I would like a lifetime spent with an irrational and suspicious goddess, some short-tempered jealousy on the side, and a bottle of wine that tastes like you, a glass that's never empty."

"Francis, I'm a banker. I have no imagination."

"Such a lovely tie. Do tell your mother I admire her taste."

"[To Fanny Chenal] Hello. Oh no, don't worry about me. I'm...I'm the pool man. I do this every Thursday, its just routine maintenance. Its been lovely chatting to you. And,and you are a spectacular vision... Any chance for a rope or a ladder?"

"Uh, yes. I'm the temporary custodian of the lime green roller skate, but its a hired car, a rental. It's not for sale."

"What is it, Major Lawrence, that attracts you, personally, to the desert?... Its clean. I like it because its clean!"

"I shall have an Eclipse.I'm too impatient to be a wine lover.If I'm gonna get drunk, I don't want to spend all night doing it."

"[getting in the wrong side of the car] Bollocks!"

"Everything matures... eventually."

"Sometimes it takes a change of scenery to have a change of heart."

"Russell Crowe - Max Skinner"

"Albert Finney - Uncle Henry"

"Marion Cotillard - Fanny Chenal"

"Abbie Cornish - Christie Roberts"

"Didier Bourdon - Francis Duflot"

"Isabelle Candelier - Ludivine Duflot"

"Freddie Highmore - Young Max Skinner"

"Tom Hollander - Charlie Willis"

"Rafe Spall - Kenny"

"Richard Coyle - Amis"

"Archie Panjabi - Gemma"

"Kenneth Cranham - Sir Nigel"

"Daniel Mays - Bert, the doorman"

"Giannina Facio - Maitre D'"

"Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time."

"[Admiring a painting] I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's holding her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect. [[the painting is revealed to be of a red rectangle]"

"Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?"

"Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.""

"I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day."

"I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start."

"[calling the restaurant] Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties."

"Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true."

"Maitre D: You think with a financial statement like this you can have the duck?"

"Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher"

"Victoria Tennant - Sara McDowel"

"Richard E. Grant - Roland Mackey"

"Marilu Henner - Trudi"

"Sarah Jessica Parker - SanDeE"

"Susan Forristal - Ariel"

"Kevin Pollak - Frank Swan"

"Sam McMurray - Morris Frost"

"Patrick Stewart - Mr. Perdue"

"Iman - Cynthia"

"Year after year, twenty-something women come to New York in search of the two "L"s: Labels & Love."

"Twenty years ago, I was one of them. Having got the knack for labels early...I concentrated on my search for Love."

"After years of living in the city I assumed that if my friends and I ever got our fairytale endings, that would be the end of the story. But real life always has a twist."

"Year after year, my single girlfriends were my salvation."

"Some labels are best left in the closet."

""Charlotte Poughkeepsied in her pants."

""When Big colors... he rarely stays inside the lines."

"I let the wedding get bigger than Big!"

""Let's go down to the hotel for dinner tonight, I need to get myself out of my Mexi-coma."

"Sweetie, you shit your pants this year. Maybe you're done."

"You brought me back to life."

"It wasn't logic, it was love."

"Ever mine. Ever Thine. Ever Ours."

"I put a bird on my head."

"We were perfectly happy before we decided to live happily ever after."

"And just like that, Vivienne Westwood kicked my sweet little suit's ass."

"Honey, you know me, I don't really believe in marriage; now Botox on the other hand, that works every time."

"I can't color enough, I would color all day every day If I had my way, I would use every crayon in my box."

"Just calling to make sure you aren't hanging from your shower rod."

"Oh honey, you made a little joke! Good for you."

"Hey dick-wad, I'm speaking."

"So here's to the groom, who finally got Carried away."

"Don't blame marriage, this one's married and she's not growing a national forest. Any thicker and you won't be able to find it."

"I feel the same way as you feel about Botox. Painful and unnecessary."

"This is my second most favorite thing I've found in there."

"Is a relationship saying his name fifty times more a day than my own?"

"You see? This is how it starts. Next thing you know, we're only having sex three or four times a week."

"I could be put on death row and not have that situation."

"And the rest don't know how to screw you, trust me I've done the leg work""

"[To Mr. Big] I curse the day you were born!"

"I always knew she'd marry Big."

"Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you, look at Miranda. You're good people and you two both got shafted. I'm so happy and... something bad is going to happen."

"Charlotte has pudding in her Prada."

"The only two choices for women; witch and sexy kitten."

"You two are crazy to get married. Marriage ruins everything."

"My marriage is going through a rough spot. I don't have time to wax!"

"Mommy's home."

"Roooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sarah Jessica Parker – Carrie Bradshaw"

"Kim Cattrall – Samantha Jones"

"Kristin Davis – Charlotte York"

"Cynthia Nixon – Miranda Hobbes"

"Chris Noth – Mr. Big"

"Jennifer Hudson – Louise"

"David Eigenberg – Steve Brady"

"Evan Handler – Harry Goldenblatt"

"Jason Lewis – Jerry "Smith" Jerrod"

"You know, it seems to me that, I mean, except for being a little mentally ill, she's pretty normal."

"Oh, oh Benny, hey Benny, thanks for the couch... um Mike made me sleep under the sink."

"Ruthie, do you got any avocados?"

"Some cultures are defined by their relationship to cheese."

"Don't underestimate the mentally ill. We know how to count."

"Having a Boo Radley moment, are we?"

"I am serious. I'm always serious. I'm too serious."

"You can't bet a human being!"

"Johnny Depp - Sam"

"Mary Stuart Masterson - Juniper 'Joon' Pearl"

"Aidan Quinn - Benjamin 'Benny' Pearl"

"William H. Macy - Randy Burch"

"Julianne Moore - Ruthie"

"Oliver Platt - Eric"

"CCH Pounder - Dr. Garvey (as C.C.H. Pounder)"

"Dan Hedaya - Thomas"

"Joe Grifasi - Mike"

"Everything ends badly, otherwise, it would never end."

"I am the world's last barman poet! I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make. America is getting stinking on something I stir or shake. The Sex On The Beach...the Schnapps made from peach! The Velvet Hammer...the Alabama Slammer! I make things with juice and froth, the Pink Squirrel...the 3 Toed Sloth. I make drinks so sweet and snazzy, the Iced Tea...the Kamikazi! The Orgasm...the Death Spasm. The Singapore Sling...the Ding a Ling. America you're just devoted to every flavor I've got, but if you want to get loaded...why don't you just order a shot! Bar's open!!"

"Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours."

"I am going to be VERY fat, and YOU are gonna love it!"

"Your sexy smile isn't gonna work this time."

"Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool."

"You see, there are two kinds of people in this world, the workers and the hustlers. The hustlers never work and the workers never hustle and you my friend, are a worker."

"Anything else is always something better."

"A bartender is the aristocrat of the working class."

"I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not."

"Coughlin's Diet: Cocktails and dreams."

"Never tell tales about a woman, she'll hear you no matter how far away she is."

"The luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got."

"[in his suicide note to Brian] My dearest Brian, A guy like me looks in the mirror, he either grins, or he starts to fade away. And I haven't seen anything to grin about in a long time. This may not be the most graceful exit, but I know when the bottle's empty. The only thing I'm really going to miss is the conversations we had. At least I get the last word, even if I had to mail it in. Coughlin's Law: Bury the dead. They stink up the joint. As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit. [chuckles bitterly] But I guess you knew that already."

"Uncle Pat: [On how to succeed in business] You outwork, outthink, outscheme and outmanuever. You make no friends. You trust nobody. And you make damn sure you're the smartest guy in the room whenever the subject of money comes up."

"When he pours, he reigns."

"They thought he was good, they were wrong... he was the best."

"Tom Cruise - Brian Flanagan"

"Bryan Brown - Doug Coughlin"

"Elisabeth Shue - Jordan Mooney"

"Lisa Banes - Bonnie"

"Laurence Luckinbill - Richard Mooney"

"Kelly Lynch - Kerry Coughlin"

"Gina Gershon - Coral"

"Ron Dean - Uncle Pat"

"Ellen Foley - Eleanor"

"Gerry Bamman - Tourist"

"Paul Benedict - Finance Teacher"

"Kenneth John McGregor - Sculptor"

"Because you thought I was cocky, I'm now on a permanent acid trip?"

"I just want my life back, okay? Now what's it gonna take? You wanna talk turkey? Let's talk turkey! HOW MUCH MONEY?"

"When you got on that plane, I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid I'd never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day. That was a good surprise. You know, I think about the decision you made... maybe I was being naive, but I believed that we would grow old together in this house. That we'd spend holidays here and have our grandchildren come visit us here. I had this image of us, all grey and wrinkly, and me working in the garden and you re-painting the deck. But things change. If you need this, Jack, if you really need this, I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go. I'll do that because I love you. I love you, and that's more important to me than our address. I choose us."

"Peter Lassiter: Old flames are like old tax returns... put 'em in the file cabinet for three years, then you cut 'em loose."

"Nicolas Cage - Jack Campbell"

"Téa Leoni - Kate Reynolds / Kate Campbell"

"Don Cheadle - Cash"

"Makenzie Vega - Annie Campbell"

"Jake and Ryan Milkovich - Josh Campbell"

"Jeremy Piven - Arnie"

"Lisa Thornhill - Evelyn Thompson"

"Saul Rubinek - Alan Mintz"

"Josef Sommer - Peter Lassiter"

"Harve Presnell - Ed Reynolds"

"Mary Beth Hurt - Adelle"

"Francine York - Lorraine Reynolds"

"Amber Valletta - Paula"

"Ken Leung - Sam Wong"

"Kate Walsh - Jeannie"

"Gianni Russo - Nick"

"Tom McGowan - Bill"

"Joel McKinnon Miller - Tommy"

"[to Althea Brockett, about Lionel Dillard] Jeez, what an asshole."

"[to Sofia Crisp] I don't know what's real and what's not. That's never been my strong suit."

"I understand what it's like to want to leave a problem behind."

"In these fantasies, Henry Follet is played by a handsome guy — with biceps. Can you imagine that — where your self esteem has to be? Man, I'd just like to move the guy to the point where he gets to appear in his own fantasies."

"[to Skip Skipperton] I am not now, nor have I ever been, a psychologist."

"[to Skip Skipperton] I noticed something. For some reason, probably because I was too stoned to talk, everywhere I went people would talk to me. Tell me everything. Their problems, their inner most thoughts. Sometimes they needed advice, but most of the people just wanted someone to listen."

"In a free society you are what you say you are. If you screwed up on life, sometimes you can get another shot."

"[about her symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.]] It's almost too exhausting to tell you about my exhaustion. I didn't really want to come. I'm not hopeful right now."

"God, it seems like years. I'm embarrassed by it. Before this happened — when I'd hear people talk about this kind of thing — I thought it was bullshit."

"You're shockingly honest. That's what makes you great. I've never had a man treat me this way. With you I feel really listened to."

"Thanks to this therapy I now know what I am looking for. I need to find a man like you. Not one who's treating me of course. And I'm going to do it dammit, you've given me the confidence."

"I have taken all my feelings of gratitude and relief and transferred them onto you. I have taken all those warm, grateful emotions, and confused them with feelings for you, so that now I am under the delusion that — I am in love with you."

"Do you understand how I might be a little resentful that this so-called love I'm feeling is totally bogus and just a pathetic case of transference?"

"Nessa: This shrink school you went to, did you hear about it in an infomercial?"

"Lilly: I watched 20/20, it was shocking! Did you know the government is wasteful?"

"Martin Brocket: Have you come across a bigger shithead than my stepfather?"

"Althea Brockett: Why do I feel so elated? Am I in denial? You know what this feels like? I know my time's up, but I've got to get this out while I've got a hold of it! ... When I was in high school the thing I wanted most when I was stuck in class, the thing that I was desperately in pursuit of, was a hall pass. That's all I ever wanted. I loved moving freely around the school while everybody else was trapped in there. That's how I feel right now. Like I have some giant all day hall pass."

"Skip Skipperton: [to Lilly] I may be young, but Doc can tell you — I'm very immature."

"Dr. Ernest Delbanco: No one can escape the fear of death. It is, as William James put it, "the worm at the core," and try as we may to forget or ignore our own mortality, the skull will grin in at the banquet."

"Some towns have all the fun."

"You don't have to be crazy to fall in love...but it helps."

"Loren Dean - Dr. Mumford"

"Hope Davis - Sofie Crisp"

"Jason Lee - Skip Skipperton"

"Alfre Woodard - Lily"

"Mary McDonnell - Althea Brockett"

"Pruitt Taylor Vince - Henry Follett"

"Zooey Deschanel - Nessa Watkins"

"Martin Short - Lionel Dillard"

"David Paymer - Dr. Ernest Delbanco"

"Jane Adams - Dr. Phyllis Sheeler"

"Kevin Tighe and Dana Ivey - Mr. and Mrs. Crisp"

"Ted Danson - Jeremy Brockett"

"Jason Ritter - Martin Brockett"

"Elisabeth Moss - Katie Brockett"

"Robert Stack - Himself"

"Simon Helberg - College Roommate"

"Hey, there's only two things I do well, sweetheart, and skating's the other one!"

"[at the hospital after Kate had hit his nose with a hockey puck] Toe pick!"

"[preparing to lift Kate] You want me to put my hands where?"

"We're going to France! Parlez-vous Olympics!"

"[repeated line] Toe pick!"

"I swear, you let me down, and it'll take them a month to count the blade marks on your back."

"Excuse me. Naked male insecurity really leaves me cold."

"[referring to Doug] When we're through here, can we please teach it how to breathe with its mouth closed?"

"Anton Pamchenko: Man and woman make flower. Douglas, you are stem. Katya, you are petal. Together, we make flower."

"The King of the Rink is about to meet America's Ice Queen."

"When true love breaks the ice. Theirs is a love/skate relationship."

"The ultimate love/skate relationship."

"D. B. Sweeney - Doug Dorsey"

"Moira Kelly - Kate Moseley"

"Roy Dotrice - Anton Pamchenko"

"Terry O'Quinn - Jack Moseley"

"Dwier Brown - Hale Forrest"

"When I say that all woman are dazzling beauties, they object. This one's nose is too large... the hips of another are too wide, perhaps the breast of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are: Glorious... radiant, spectacular and perfect because I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react on me the way that they do Don Octavio because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within them until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire: to release that beauty and envelop me in it."

"Every woman is a mystery waiting to be solved, but a woman hides nothing from a true lover. Her skin color can tell us how to proceed. A hue like the blush of a rose, pink and pale, and she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. The pale and dappled skin of a redhead calls for the lust of a wave crashing to the shore so we may stir up what lies beneath her and bring up the foamy delight of love to the surface. Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman, the closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder...does a Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist when he coaxes a single perfect note from its heart?"

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio: What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love."

"I just feel as though we've surrendered our lives to the momentum of mediocrity."

"I want to know what your dreams and your hopes are that got lost along the way while I was thinking about myself."

"You don't know what it's like to be straight, OK? It's... awful."

"I never wash my pants. I like to keep the night on them."

"Well, you're two penises short of a Shania Twain reimagination band!"

"[to a random person at the bus station] Um... hi. I'm Caroline. What's your name?... You know what, that's okay. You don't have to tell me. It's been like one of those nights, you know? I was with my friend Norah, who you don't know, but you'd really like her because everybody likes Norah and she... left me tonight which is - she never does that and then I was kidnapped. And then, she... usually when I go home with her she... she makes me a turkey sandwich when I get home, but I might never get home, you know? And I'm so tired. [looks down and notices what is in his lap] Is that a turkey sandwich?"

"Michael Cera - Nick"

"Kat Dennings - Norah"

"Aaron Yoo - Thom"

"Rafi Gavron - Dev"

"Ari Graynor - Caroline"

"Alexis Dziena - Tris"

"Jonathan B. Wright - Beefy Guy - Lothario"

"Zachary Booth - Gary"

"Jay Baruchel - Tal"

"Es lo que quieres para ti? Para llegar a ser alguien muy diferente a mí? [Is what you want for yourself? To become someone very different than me?]"

"American women, I believe, actually the feel the same as Hispanic women about weight: a desire for the comfort of fullness. And when that desire is suppressed for style and deprivation allowed to rule, dieting, exercising American women become afraid of everything associated with being curvaceous: such as wantoness, lustfulness, sex, food, motherhood; all that is best in life."

"I've been overwhelmed by your encouragement to apply to your university and your list of scholarships available to me. Though, as I hope this essay shows, your acceptance, while it would thrill me, will not define me. My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter. Thank you, Cristina Moreno."

"Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane can drive you nuts."

"Do this for me or I'll set my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face! [Victor: Huh?] Yeah, yeah, you're right: that was an unusual way to make myself understood."

"They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you. It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous,so much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here."

"I know I know we can't do anything, that brings a kind of satisfaction and release, BUT I'M STILL HAVING A GREAT TIME!"

"Flor! Look at this child! You could make a fortune doing surrogate pregnancy!"

"You were an alcoholic and wildly promiscuous woman during my formative years so that I'm in this fix because of you, it is your fault and I just needed that moment for us to build on."

"Paz Vega - Flor Moreno"

"Shelbie Bruce - Cristina Moreno"

"Adam Sandler - John Clasky"

"Téa Leoni - Deborah Clasky"

"Sarah Steele - Bernice "Bernie" Clasky"

"Cloris Leachman - Evelyn Norwich"

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness to it."

"Dear Baby: If I was writing you a letter, it would probably sounds something like an apology. I know everyone deserves a mama who'd want a nice baby such as yourself... who was also a good wife, a fine member of a society. And I can't rightly say that I'm any of that. And I'm not sure the world is scuh a fine place to bringing you. Many of the people I've met are not worth meeting. Many of the things that happened are not worth living through. And you shouldn't take it personal, Baby... if I don't seem like all the other mama-to-be, jumping all over themselves with joy. I frankly don't know what I got to give you, Baby. What if I leave Earl, and don't win that contest next week, and don't have money? What the hell am I gonna give you then? All my life, Baby, the only thing I wanna do is run away. What kind of mama is that? I wish I could think other things, Baby, like excitement that you with me now... or faith that I'll be a good mama... even if my life ain't such a good place, and the world as I see it ain't so pretty like they'd have you believe in this book. Anyway, writing this letter to you, sounds more like a letter writing to me, don't it? Love, Mama."

"Why did I get drunk? I do stupid things when I'm drunk... like sleep with my husband!"

"Dear damn baby, If you ever want to know the story of how we bought your damn crib, I will tell you. Your crib was bought with the money that was supposed to buy me a new life. Every time I lay you down in that damn crib, I'm gonna think, 'Damn baby. Damn Crib. Me stuck like a pin in this damn life.'"

"[to Dawn] If I had a penny for everything I love about you, I would have many pennies."

"I love living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others."

"Keri Russell - Jenna Hunterson"

"Nathan Fillion - Dr. Jim Pomatter"

"Cheryl Hines - Becky"

"Eddie Jemison - Ogie"

"Jeremy Sisto - Earl Hunterson"

"Andy Griffith - Old Joe (final film role)"

"Adrienne Shelly - Dawn"

"Lew Temple - Cal"

"Maria Elena used to say that only unfulfilled love can be romantic."

"We are meant for each other and not meant for each other. It's a contradiction."

"Life is short. Life is dull. Life is full of pain. And this is a chance for something special."

"I'll go to your room, but you'll have to seduce me."

"If you don't start undressing me soon this is going to turn into a panel discussion."

"I just have to come face to face with the fact that I’m not gifted. I can appreciate art and I like music, but it’s sad, really because I feel like I have a lot to express, and I’m not gifted."

"Vicky and Cristina decided to spend the summer in Barcelona. Vicky was completing her master's in Catalan Identity, which she had become interested in through her great affection for the architecture of Gaudí. Cristina, who spent the last six months writing, directing, and acting in a 12-minute film which she then hated, had just broken up with yet another boyfriend and longed for a change of scenery. Everything fell into place when a distant relative of Vicky's family who lived in Barcelona offered to put both girls up for July and August. The two best friends had been close since college and shared the same tastes and opinions on most matters, yet when it came to the subject of love, it would be hard to find two more dissimilar viewpoints. Vicky had no tolerance for pain and no lust for combat. She was grounded and realistic. Her requirements in a man were seriousness and stability. She had become engaged to Doug because he was decent and successful and understood the beauty of commitment...Cristina, on the other hand, expected something very different out of love. She had reluctantly accepted suffering as an inevitable component of deep passion, and was resigned to putting her feelings at risk. If you asked her what it was she was gambling her emotions on to win, she would not have been able to say. She knew what she didn't want, however, and that was exactly what Vicky valued above all else."

"Vicky returned home to have her grand wedding to Doug. To the house they finally planned to settle in. And to lead the life she envisioned for herself, before that summer in Barcelona. Cristina continued searching... certain only, of what she didn't want."

"Rebecca Hall - Vicky"

"Scarlett Johansson - Cristina"

"Javier Bardem - Juan Antonio Gonzalo"

"Penélope Cruz - María Elena"

"Chris Messina - Doug"

"Patricia Clarkson - Judy Nash"

"Kevin Dunn - Mark Nash"

"When my date takes me home and kisses me good night, if I don't hear the philharmonic in my head, I dump him."

"What, what? Yes, I have breasts. They cannot, however, be the subject of one of your papers."

"It's not a date. We're just agreeing to eat at the same table."

"By the way, would telling you now that I want sex tonight be enough of a warning?"

"Let's face it. They're not standing in line for me."

"To tell you the truth, I think your theories about relationships are total bullshit."

"I believe in love and lust and sex and romance. I don’t want everything to add up to some perfect equation. I want mess and chaos. I want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion and heat and sweat and madness. I want Valentines and Cupids and all the rest of that crap. I want it all."

"I love it if someone knew me. Really knew me. What I like, what I'm afraid of. What kind of toothpaste I use. I think that will be wonderful."

"I want to be upfront with you. I am not interested in sex."

"I don't care if you're pretty, I love you anyway!"

"The mathematical world is completely rational, uncomplicated by sex."

"You are the mother of the bride, not the opening act."

"Now you spend an extra hour in front of the mirror every morning and every night. And now you'll be the one to walk into a room and scan it for who looks better than you and who doesn't. And as the years go by, the numbers change. One day you'll walk into a room and you're the last woman any man notices."

"Mother, the only thing you ever taught me about the Sabbath is that Bergdorf's wouldn't be as crowded."

"Barbra Streisand - Rose Morgan"

"Jeff Bridges - Gregory Larkin"

"Lauren Bacall - Hannah Morgan"

"George Segall - Henry Fine"

"Mimi Rogers - Claire"

"Pierce Brosnan - Alex"

"Tom Wilkinson - Rudy Holt"

"Billy Crudup - Henry Roth"

"Christine Taylor - Allison"

"Bob Balaban - Arthur Planck"

"Catherine Lloyd Burns - Mother in Bookstore"

"Amy Sedaris - Cassidy's Mom"

"Cassidy Hinkle - Cassidy"

"Mandy Moore - Lucy Reily"

"Jeremy Shamos - Matthew"

"Christopher Fitzgerald - Robin"

"Dianne Wiest - Carol"

"Jicky Schnee - Mandy the Waitress"

"John Ellison Conlee - Man at Lucy's"

"Martin Freeman - Jeremy"

"Christopher Grey Misa as Abused Kid"

"Catherine Kellner as Abusive Mom"

"Bobby Cannavale - Don Meyers"

"Peter Bogdanovich - Roger Spade"

"Justin Theroux - Lawyer on phone"

"[looking in the mirror] Hello, gorgeous."

"Suppose all ya ever had for breakfast was onion rolls. Then one day, in walks a (gasp)bagel! You'd say, 'Ugh, what's that?' Until you tried it! That's my problem. I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls. Nobody recognizes me! Listen, I got 36 expressions. Sweet as pie and as tough as leather. And that's six expressions more than all them...Barrymores put together. Instead of just kicking me, why don't they give me a lift? Well, it must be a plot, 'cause they're scared that I got such a gift!..."

""No law against waiting," I said, "people do it all the time." For once, I didn't say too much, I didn't say too little, I said just what I said and then walked."

"[singing] Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter."

"[singing] Don't tell me not to fly, I simply gotta If someone takes a spill It's me and not you Don't bring a cloud to rain on my parade."

"Barbra Streisand - Fanny Brice"

"Omar Sharif - Nick Arnstein"

"Kay Medford - Rose Brice"

"Anne Francis - Georgia James"

"Walter Pidgeon - Florenz Ziegfeld"

"Lee Allen - Eddie Ryan"

"Mae Questel - Mrs. Strakosh"

"The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch."

"This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie The Graduate. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parents' marriage she'd only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and feel nothing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story."

"For Tom Hansen, this was the night where everything changed. That wall Summer so often hid behind - the wall of distance, of space, of "casual" - that wall was slowly coming down. For here was Tom, in her world... a place few had been invited to see with their own eyes. And here was Summer, wanting him there. Him, no one else."

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday."

"If Tom had learned anything, it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple Earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is. Nothing more, than coincidence. Tom had finally learned there are no miracles, there is no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now. Tom was... he was pretty sure."

"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."

"Darling. I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a Chinese family in our bathroom."

"Why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that lasts forever, like a greeting card."

"You never wanted to be anybody's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife?"

"Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being, or... she's a robot."

"I need to know that you're not gonna wake up tomorrow morning and feel differently."

"Roses are reds Violets are Blue, Fuck You Whore!"

"Well this is, and Rhoda, no disrespect, but um, this is total shit. "Go for it?" "You can do it?" That's not inspirational, that's suicidal! If Pickles goes for it right there that's a dead cat. Lies, we're liars think about it, why do people buy these things? It's not because they wanna say how they feel. People buy cards 'cause they can't say how they feel or they're afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let's level with America. At least let them speak for themselves, right? I mean look, look. What is this, what does this say? "Congratulations on your new baby." How 'bout "Congratulations on your new baby, guess that's it for hanging out, nice knowing ya." How 'bout this one? With all the pretty hearts on the front, I think I know where this one's going. Yup. "Happy Valentine's Day sweetheart, I love you." Isn't that sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I'd eat it. It's these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help."

"I just kept thinking..."Tom was right". It just wasn't me you were right about."

"There's no such thing as love. It's a fantasy."

"Colour my life with the chaos of trouble. -quoted from Belle & Sebastian in Summer's high school yearbook."

"Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn't."

"This is not a love story. This is a story about love."

"It was almost like falling in love."

"Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Tom Hansen"

"Zooey Deschanel - Summer Finn"

"Geoffrey Arend - McKenzie"

"Chloë Grace Moretz - Rachel Hansen"

"Matthew Gray Gubler - Paul"

"Clark Gregg - Vance"

"Patricia Belcher - Millie"

"Rachel Boston - Alison"

"Minka Kelly - Autumn"

"Maile Flanagan - Rhoda"

"Yvette Nicole Brown as Vance's New Secretary"

"Olivia Bagg - Young Summer"

"Richard McGonagle - Narrator"

"Stop saying "Leopold" like that, tenderly. It sounds funny. You can't do it with a name like Leopold."

"What is the law? It's a gun pointed at somebody's head. All depends upon which end of the gun you stand, whether the law is just or not."

"Well, it's a form of self-expression. Some people write books. Some people write music. I make speeches on street corners."

"I don't approve of, but I like people who think in terms of ideal conditions. They're the dreamers, poets, tragic figures in this world, but interesting."

"Listen, I can't hang around here even if I wanted to. Lightcap's ordered me out 50 times since last night. I'm here now only by the grace of being in his pajamas. One minute I'm out of these and I'm out on my ear!"

"This is your law and your finest possession - it makes you free men in a free country. Why have you come here to destroy it? If you know what's good for you, take those weapons home and burn them! And then think... think of this country and of the law that makes it what it is. Think of a world crying for this very law! And maybe you'll understand why you ought to guard it. Why the law has got to be the personal concern of every citizen. To uphold it for your neighbor as well as yourself. Violence against it is one mistake. Another mistake is for any man to look upon the law as just a set of principles. And just so much language printed on fine, heavy paper. Something he recites and then leans back and takes it for granted that justice is automatically being done. Both kinds of men are equally wrong! The law must be engraved in our hearts and practiced every minute to the letter and spirit. It can't even exist unless we're willing to go down into the dust and blood and fight a battle every day of our lives to preserve it. For our neighbor as well as ourself."

"Look at me, a dream of twenty years come true. More happiness than any man deserves, that chair. But now there's something Else, Nora: My friends. I want to see them as happy as I am. Nothing less will do. And Leopold, what a fine fellow - and I've been thinking, Nora, that if someone were to take his hand and say "Leopold, my wreckless friend, here's love and companionship, forever." Well, some day that man would... You see what I mean, Nora?"

"Miss Shelly, judging from the past 12 hours, how quiet do you think it could be in this house, with you in it?"

"Alright, Joseph, you conduct the law your way on random sentimentality and you will have violence and disorder."

"Nothing deranges a woman's mind more than marriage."

"He's the only honest man I've come across in this town in 20 years. Naturally, they want to hang him."

"Cary Grant - Leopold Dilg - Joseph"

"Jean Arthur - Miss Nora Shelley"

"Ronald Colman - Professor Michael Lightcap"

"Edgar Buchanan - Sam Yates"

"Glenda Farrell - Regina Bush"

"Charles Dingle - Andrew Holmes"

"Emma Dunn - Mrs. Shelley"

"Rex Ingram - Tilney"

"Leonid Kinskey - Jan Pulaski"

"Tom Tyler - Clyde Bracken"

"Don Beddoe - Police Chief"

"Jack Nicholson as Harry Sanborn"

"Diane Keaton as Erica Barry"

"Keanu Reeves as Julian Mercer"

"Amanda Peet as Marin Klein"

"Frances McDormand as Zoe"

"Jon Favreau as Leo"

"Paul Michael Glaser as Dave Klein"

"Rachel Ticotin as Dr. Martinez"

"KaDee Strickland as Kristen"

"Love is just lust in disguise, and lust fades, so you damn well better be with someone who can stand you."

"Marriage is the Jack Kevorkian of romance."

"Is it physically impossible to French-kiss a man who leaves the new roll of toilet paper resting on top of the empty cardboard roll? Does he not see it? DOES HE NOT *SEE* IT?"

"Oh, Dot. Put out once in a while, your face won't be so tight."

"And you can take that bread and shove it up the tops of your legs!"

"Bruce Willis - Ben Jordan"

"Michelle Pfeiffer -Katie Jordan"

"Rita Wilson - Rachel Krogan"

"Rob Reiner - Stan Krogan"

"Julia Hagerty - Liza"

"Tim Matheson - Marty"

"Lucy Webb - Joanie Kirby"

"Bill Kirchenbauer - Andy Kirby"

"Red Buttons - Arnie Jordan"

"Jayne Meadows - Dot"

"Tom Poston - Harry"

"Betty White - Lillian Jordan"

"Jennifer Hale - Cinderella (mature; speaking voice)"

"Lacey Chabert - Cinderella (young)"

"Christopher Daniel Barnes - Prince Charming (speaking voice)"

"Jim Cummings - The King"

"Kath Soucie - The Queen"

"April Winchell - Lydia Pearson the Train Lady"

"Jeff Bennett - Mr. Beaver"

"Jennifer Aniston - Mrs. Beaver"

"Mary Kay Bergman - Cinderella's mother"

"Arthur Holden - Cinderella's father"

"Frank Welker - Lucifer"

"Robert De Niro as Wayne "Mad Dog" Dobie"

"Uma Thurman as Glory"

"Bill Murray as Frank Milo"

"David Caruso as Mike"

"Mike Starr as Harold"

"Tom Towles as Andrew the Beater"

"Kathy Baker as Lee"

"Derek Annunciation as Shooter"

"Doug Hara as Driver"

"Evan Lionel as Dealer in Car"

"Anthony Cannata as Pavletz"

"J. J. Johnston as Shanlon"

"Guy Van Swearingen as Cop"

"Jack Wallace as Tommy the Bartender"

"Richard Belzer as M.C. / Comic"

"Why is it boys talk so much, when they have nothing to say? And girls have plenty to say, but no one will listen?"

"Dad, when a boy likes you, does he pretend that he doesn't like you? And if he pretends that he doesn't like you how can you tell that he likes you?"

"Why do they call them training bra's? It's not like learning to ride a bike."

"When sex is involved, it's always special circumstances."

"Life is full of barbaric customs, I just hope they all end with a kiss like that."

"UCLA. My Cardigan-Sweater period."

"Look, we react to every kick this baby gives, maybe Vada's trying to tell us something too."

"You killed my daddy!"

"You lived with him when he was nothing, you suffered his youth and the years of struggle, now you're entitled to half of everything he has."

"I don't usually smoke cigars, it's just that my friend had a baby."

"You can cry and not feel sad, just like you can feel sad and not cry."

"Are you all right? You seem a little... nice."

"I love you every minute. I love you more than marching bands and cookie making."

"(After watching a couple do a body shot at the bar) Normal couples don't do that. They're from college."

"A love story for the romantically challenged."

"A Romantic Comedy About Letting Go!"

"Juliette Lewis - Carla Tate"

"Diane Keaton - Elizabeth Tate"

"Tom Skerritt - Dr. Radley Tate"

"Giovanni Ribisi—Daniel "Danny" McMann"

"Poppy Montgomery - Caroline Tate"

"Sarah Paulson - Heather Tate"

"Linda Thorson - Drew Evanson"

"Joe Flanigan - Jeff Reed"

"Juliet Mills - Winnie the Housekeeper"

"Tracy Reiner - Michelle"

"Hector Elizondo as Ernie"

"[about Flap] He can't even do the simple things, like fail locally."

"[to Vernon] Don't worship me until I've earned it."

"[to Melanie] Gorgeous isn't everything."

"[to Flap] Raising three children, working full-time, and chasing women requires a lot more energy than you have. You know, one of the nicest qualities about you has always been that you recognized your weaknesses. Don't lose that quality now just when you need it the most."

"[to Aurora] Momma, that's the first time I stopped hugging first. I like that."

"[Lying in the surf after being thrown from the car] If you wanted to get me on my back, all you had to do was ask me."

"Shirley MacLaine - Aurora Greenway"

"Debra Winger - Emma Greenway Horton"

"Jack Nicholson - Garrett Breedlove"

"Danny DeVito - Vernon Dahlart"

"Jeff Daniels - Flap Horton"

"John Lithgow - Sam Burns"

"Paul Menzel - Dr. Maise"

"F. William Parker - Doctor"

"David Wohl - Phil"

"Must have been the collard greens that made me lose control!"

"[repeated line] Sometimes it's good to be a cop."

"John Candy as Daniel "Danny" Muldoon"

"Maureen O'Hara as Rose Muldoon"

"Ally Sheedy as Theresa Luna"

"Anthony Quinn as Nick Acropolis"

"Jim Belushi as Salvatore "Sal" Buonarte"

"Kevin Dunn as Patrick Muldoon"

"Macaulay Culkin as Billy Muldoon"

"Kieran Culkin as Patrick Muldoon, Jr."

"Milo O'Shea as Doyle"

"[after shaking hands with attorney Cedar] Even his hands are oily."

"What puzzles me is why people seem to get so much pleasure out of, out of hurting each other? Why don't they try liking each other once in a while?"

"People here are funny. They work so hard at living they forget how to live. Last night, after I left you, I was walking along and - and lookin' at the tall buildings, and I got to thinking about what Thoreau said. 'They created a lot of grand palaces here, but they forgot to create the noblemen to put in them.' I'd rather have Mandrake Falls."

"When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'm going to ask him to show you to the door. Many people don't know where it is."

"From what I can see, no matter what system of government we have, there will always be leaders and always be followers. It's like the road out in front of my house. It's on a steep hill. Every day I watch the cars climbing up. Some go lickety-split up that hill on high, some have to shift into second, and some sputter and shake and slip back to the bottom again. Same cars, same gasoline, yet some make it and some don't. And I say the fellas who can make the hill on high should stop once in a while and help those who can't. That's all I'm trying to do with this money. Help the fellas who can't make the hill on high. It's like I'm out in a big boat, and I see one fellow in a rowboat who's tired of rowing and wants a free ride, and another fellow who's drowning. Who would you expect me to rescue? Mr. Cedar - who's just tired of rowing and wants a free ride? Or those men out there who are drowning? Any ten year old child will give you the answer to that."

"[to Babe] You're wasting your time. He doesn't want any lawyers. He's sunk so low he doesn't want help from anybody. You can take a bow for that. As swell a guy as ever hit this town, and you crucified him for a couple of stinking headlines. You've done your bit. Stay out of his way."

"Mr. Deeds, there has been a great deal of damaging testimony against you. Your behavior, to say the least, has been most strange. But in the opinion of the court, you are not only sane, but you're the sanest man that ever walked into this courtroom!"

"Gary Cooper - Longfellow Deeds"

"Jean Arthur - Louise "Babe" Bennett/ Mary Dawson"

"George Bancroft - MacWade"

"Lionel Stander - Cornelius Cobb"

"Douglass Dumbrille - John Cedar"

"Raymond Walburn - Walter"

"H.B. Warner - Judge May"

"Ruth Donnelly - Mabel Dawson"

"Walter Catlett - Morrow"

"John Wray - Farmer"

"Can I make one suggestion? Can we make this the least amount of destruction possible?"

"Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! [Car runs out of gas] Fuck! Fuck!"

"Oh yeah, those sailors want their money back."

"I've got a Subway card with four stickers on it."

"But, I like this place!"

"Trent you and your pretty sweater better step aside [gets punched]."

"I'll help you get your girl back, but if you go to jail a virgin I won't be sticking around, now give me twenty-five cents Carlotta."

"Let me paint you a picture; You go back, they bust you, you go to jail, Sheeni gets on with her life, fuck Sheeni."

"[getting whipped by Wescott] You through, big man? [Wescott continues whipping]"

"I'm not going anywhere. Not until you sink your filthy dick into this tomato."

"You're going to Juvenile Detention. You'll be out in three months. [kisses Nick]"

"Nicky you didn't! You could have killed me."

"I wasn't fooled for one second when I saw that ugly woman walking to your door. I've called the police, you're going to jail."

"That stuff's strong, so only take two."

"Bad break, Nick!"

"Every "Revolution" Needs A Leader"

"He Wasn't a Rebel Until He Found His Cause."

"The revolution begins January 8"

"Michael Cera - Nick Twisp/François Dillinger"

"Portia Doubleday - Sheeni Saunders"

"Jean Smart - Estelle Twisp"

"Mary Kay Place - Mrs. Saunders"

"Zach Galifianakis - Jerry"

"Justin Long - Paul Saunders"

"Ray Liotta - Lance Wescott"

"Steve Buscemi - George Twisp"

"M. Emmet Walsh as Phil Saunders"

"Jonathan Bradford Wright as Trent Preston"

"Erik Knudsen - Leroy "Lefty""

"Adhir Kalyan - Vijay Joshi"

"Fred Willard - Mr. Ferguson"

"Aria Graynor - Lacey"

"Rooney Mara - Taggarty"

"Jade Fusco as Bernice Lynch"

"Timothy Hutton - Willie Conway"

"Matt Dillon - Tommy 'Birdman' Rowland"

"Noah Emmerich - Michael 'Mo' Morris"

"Annabeth Gish - Tracy Stover"

"Lauren Holly - Darian Smalls"

"Rosie O'Donnell - Gina Barrisano"

"Max Perlich - Kev"

"Martha Plimpton - Jan"

"Natalie Portman - Marty"

"Michael Rapaport - Paul Kirkwood"

"Mira Sorvino - Sharon Cassidy"

"Uma Thurman - Andera"

"Pruitt Taylor Vince - Stanley 'Stinky' Womack"

"David Arquette - Bobby Conway"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Joe"

"Susan Sarandon - Emily"

"Nancy Allen - Carrie"

"Jean Stapleton - Mrs. Price"

"Wil Wheaton - Tim"

"Edward Winter - Jim Parks"

"Keene Curtis - Dr. Knitz"

"Milton Selzer - Landlord"

"F. William Parker - Lawyer"

"Get rid of the beard. You look like a goddamn terrorist."

"Isn't it funny - on the one lousy day, you want to put a gun in your mouth, everybody wants to come over to celebrate."

"For Christ's sakes - he puts money in women's breasts!"

"Richard Dreyfuss as Sam Sharpe"

"Holly Hunter as Renata Bella"

"Danny Aiello as Joe Bella"

"Laura San Giacomo as Jan Bella"

"Gena Rowlands as Marilyn Bella"

"Roxanne Hart as Gail Bella"

"Danton Stone as Tony Bella"

"Tim Guinee as Peter Hedges"

"Greg Germann as Jim Redstone"

"Griffin Dunne as Rob"

"Cullen O. Johnson as Sonny"

"Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw"

"Kim Cattrall - Samantha Jones"

"Kristin Davis - Charlotte York Goldenblatt"

"Cynthia Nixon - Miranda Hobbes"

"Chris Noth - John James Preston / Mr. Big"

"John Corbett - Aidan Shaw"

"David Eigenberg - Steve Brady"

"Evan Handler - Harry Goldenblatt"

"Jason Lewis - Jerry "Smith" Jerrod"

"Willie Garson - Stanford Blatch"

"Mario Cantone - Anthony Marentino"

"Lynn Cohen - Magda"

"Alice Eve - Erin (Charlotte's Irish nanny)"

"Noah Mills - Nicky Marentino"

"Megan Boone - Allie"

"Max Ryan - Dr. Rikard Spirt"

"Raza Jaffrey - Gaurau"

"Viola Harris - Gloria Blatch"

"Omid Djalili - Mr. Safir, Hotel Manager"

"Dhaffer L'Abidine - Mahmud"

"Art Malik - Sheikh Khaled"

"Penélope Cruz - Carmen García Carrión"

"Liza Minnelli - herself"

"Miley Cyrus - herself"

"Tuesday Knight - herself"

"Tim Gunn - himself"

"Do you poke smot?"

"I like a lot of semen, always have."

"Here comes your ex-husband. Uh-oh, not the best time to be feeling groovy!"

"And what's with the "big guy"? Is it because I'm fat?"

"And I like that you stopped getting bikini waxes. You've gone native. I dig it!"

"Is it really necessary for you to always say no before you say yes?"

"First comes marriage. Then comes divorce. And then..."

"Divorced... with benefits."

"Meryl Streep - Jane Adler"

"Steve Martin - Adam Schaffer"

"Alec Baldwin - Jake Adler"

"Luke Bell - Agness Adler"

"Hunter Parrish - Luke Adler"

"Zoe Kazan - Gabby Adler"

"Caitlin Fitzgerald - Lauren Adler"

"John Krasinski - Harley"

"Mary Kay Place - Joanne"

"Rita Wilson -Trisha"

"Alexandra Wentworth - Diane"

"James Patrick Stuart - Dr. Moss"

"Blanchard Ryan - Annalise"

"Michael Rivera - Eddie"

"Robert Curtis Brown - Peter"

"Peter Mackenzie - Dr. Alan"

"Rosalie Ward - Alex"

"You know how when somebody dies, it's OK to feel sad, but then at other times, when you're supposed to be happy and you feel sad, it's worse than the times when you're allowed to be sad?"

"Oh, don't worry about him. He's too busy being a big man."

"Did you teach me to cheat 'cause you think I can't learn?"

"You know what your problem is, Harry? You're not just rude, you're...[pulls out a pocket dictionary and looks up a word]..."flagrant" about it!"

"How come I feel like I don't fit in any more? Tell me why am I so unhappy with everything that I used to want."

"You got money, Harry, but you got a cheap life."

"Men are unbelievable. I give and give and give and it's like wallpaper to you. You just walk right past it. Then you make one effort and you think we're equal. It only looks like a big effort because you never made one before."

"Being smart isn't just about books. It's about asking questions. It's about finding out why things are the way they are."

"People always pretend to be smarter than they are."

"The whole damn history of the world is the story of the fight between the selfish and the unselfish."

"Listen. Anybody that works in this room, tell them to do it good, do it fast, nobody gets hurt. I don't like a lot of people around all the time, and I don't like waiting for nothin'."

"You don't save money, bud, you make it!"

"You show me a businessman believes in fate, I'll show you the first businessman who ever went broke. I started with a wagon, selling somebody's junk. And I got here in a silk suit, talking to a college know-it-all like you. If I lose it, I'll meet you right back here in this room, in a new silk suit."

"Don't Harvard talk me. I didn't make my money by being an idiot."

"Melanie Griffith as Billie Dawn"

"John Goodman as Harry Brock"

"Don Johnson as Paul Verrall"

"Edward Herrmann as Ed Devery"

"Max Perlich as JJ"

"Michael Ensign as Phillipe"

"Benjamin C. Bradlee as Alex Duffee"

"Sally Quinn as Beatrice Duffee"

"Fred Thompson as Sen. Hedges"

"Celeste Yarnall as Mrs. Hedges"

"Ben Affleck - Oliver "Ollie" Trinké"

"Liv Tyler - Maya"

"Raquel Castro - Gertie Trinké"

"George Carlin - Bart Trinké"

"Jennifer Lopez - Gertude Steiney"

"Stephen Root - Greenie"

"Mike Starr - Block"

"Jason Biggs - Arthur Brickman"

"Will Smith - Himself (uncredited)"

"Jason Lee - PR Exec. 1"

"Matt Damon - PR Exec. 2"

"Paulie Litt - Bryan (as Paulie Litowsky)"

"Harley Quinn Smith - Trace Colelli (uncredited)"

"No one knows who sent it. No one knows who it's for. But everyone's getting the same message."

"Kate Capshaw - Helen MacFarquhar"

"Blythe Danner - Lillian MacFarquhar"

"Ellen DeGeneres - Janet Hall"

"Julianne Nicholson - Jennifer"

"Tom Everett Scott - Johnny"

"Tom Selleck - George Matthias"

"Gloria Stuart - Eleanor"

"Geraldine McEwan - Miss Scattergoods"

"Jack Black - Fisherman (uncredited)"

"I want you to meet the finest yes-men in Louisiana and their lovely wives."

"The three best friends the poor people have ever had are Jesus Christ, Sears & Roebuck and Earl K. Long."

"Paul Newman as Governor Earl Long"

"Lolita Davidovich as Blaze Starr"

"Jerry Hardin as Thibodeaux"

"Gailard Sartain as LaGrange"

"Jeffrey DeMunn as Eldon Tuck"

"Richard Jenkins as Picayune"

"Brandon Smith as Arvin Deeter"

"Robert Wuhl as Red Snyder"

"James Harper as Willie Rainach"

"(reading Claire's letter to Juliet, not quite the same as the prop, q.v.) I didn't go to him, Juliet. I didn't go to Lorenzo. His eyes were so full of trust. I promised I'd meet him and run away together because my parents don't approve. But, instead, I left him waiting for me below our tree, waiting and wondering where I was. I'm in Verona now. I return to London in the morning and I am so afraid. Please, Juliet tell me what I should do. My heart is breaking, and I have no one else to turn to. Love, Claire"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know love had an expiration date."

"(about Claire's letter) I think it's a story worth telling."

"It's not supposed to be that way. We're supposed to want to be with each other all the time."

"(reading Sophie's letter as Juliet to Claire) Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like: love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for, but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet"

"(to Sophie) Charlie doesn't approve, which makes it all the more fun."

"Charlie, say you're sorry."

"(about Sophie to Charlie) Her mother chose to leave her. You always knew your parents loved you."

"(to Charlie) How many Sophies do you think there are on this planet? Don't wait fifty years like I did."

"Because the truth is, Sophie, I am madly, deeply, truly, passionately in love with you."

"It's over! Done! We've found Nemo!"

"(about Juliet) I would have grabbed her from that blasted balcony and been done with it."

"(to Sophie) So, isn't your future fiance starting to get a tad lonely?"

"This isn't a good time because I'm in the middle of something."

"(upon seeing Claire) I went for a ride as an old man, and came back as a teenager."

"We are such as dreams are made on, and our little lives are rounded with a sleep."

"Be cheerful sir, our revels now are ended."

"I will plague them all, even to roaring!"

"This island is mine!"

"Misery acquaints a man with strange bed fellows."

"What they say is real Shakespeare, with some reasonable trims and modifications. And with one notable exception, they speak the language beautifully, finding nuances of humor, feeling and fantasy packed into the prose and poetry of the script. Presiding over a motley, talented assembly is Helen Mirren as Prospera, the former duchess of Milan and Ms. Taymor’s most provocative and persuasive act of revision. Switching the gender of Prospero — an aging wizard who is also his author’s last and fondest alter ego — is more than a gimmick. When the character is a woman, a central relationship in the play, between the magician and her doted-on child, Miranda, sheds some of its traditional, patriarchal dynamic. Instead, a mother-daughter bond fraught with envy, protectiveness and identification blossoms into something newly rich and strange. … The Tempest is, perhaps above all, the portrait — the self-portrait — of an artist on the verge of saying farewell to his art. By abjuring her “rough magic,” burying her magician’s staff and drowning her book of spells, Prospera elects to live in a world without supernatural possibilities; having demonstrated the power of art, she accepts the limits of that power and forsakes hubris for humility, something Ms. Taymor seems unable to do."

"I didn't really have a male actor that excited me in mind, and yet there had been a couple of phenomenal females — Helen Mirren being one of them — who [made me think]: "My God, does this play change? What happens if you make that role into a female role?" … We did a reading to see if it was just a gimmick, and it worked so beautifully. The potential was there to enhance the play for people who know it — and for others it will just seem natural."

"Helen Mirren - Prospera"

"Ben Whishaw - Ariel"

"Djimon Hounsou - Caliban"

"Felicity Jones - Miranda"

"David Strathairn - Alonso, King of Naples"

"Tom Conti - Gonzalo"

"Reeve Carney - Ferdinand"

"Chris Cooper - Antonio"

"Alan Cumming - Sebastian"

"Alfred Molina - Stephano"

"Russell Brand - Trinculo"

"Did you just use my name as a verb?"

"Neurotic is simply an intense form of introspection. You're be called introspective is good. You walk around with an opinon, with point of view, and some source of nice kind of direction."

"The business traveler should bring only what fits in a carry-on bag. Checking your luggage is asking for trouble. Add several travel-size packets of detergent so you won't fall into the hands of unfamiliar laundries. There are very few necessities in this world which do not come in travel-size packets. One suit is plenty, if you take along travel-size packets of spot remover. The suit should be medium gray. Gray not only hides the dirt but is handy for sudden funerals. Always bring a book as protection against strangers. Magazines don't last, and newspapers from elsewhere remind you you don't belong. But don't take more than one book. It is a common mistake to overestimate one's potential free time, and consequently over-pack. In travel, as in most of life, less is invariably more. And most importantly, never take along anything on your journey so valuable or dear that its loss would devastate you."

"Last year, I exp... I lost... I experienced a loss. I lost... I lost my son. He was just... he went into a hamburger joint and someone came, a hold-up man, and shot him. I can't go to dinner with people. I can't... can't talk to their little boys. You have to stop asking me. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm just not up to this. Do you hear? Every day, I tell myself it's time to be getting over this - I know that people expect it of me. But if anything I'm getting worse. The first year was like a bad dream; I was there at his bedroom door in the morning before I'd remember he wasn't there to be wakened. The second year is real. I've stopped going to his door. I've sometimes let a whole day go by without thinking about him. I believe Sarah thinks I could have prevented what happened somehow - she's so used to my arranging her life. Now I'm far from everyone. I don't have any friends anymore. And everyone looks trivial and foolish, and not related to me."

"I don't think marriage ought to be as common as it is. I really believe it ought to be the exception to the rule. Perfect couples could marry, maybe, but who's a perfect couple?"

"In turbulent, troubling times, a good marriage can be the one safe place we know we can go. Once we've been to that place, known that peace, we can never forget it."

"In the Southeast they say that if you want to go to heaven...you have to change planes in Atlanta."

"William Hurt - Macon Leary"

"Kathleen Turner - Sarah Leary"

"Geena Davis - Muriel Pritchett"

"Bill Pullman - Julian"

"Amy Wright - Rose Leary"

"David Ogden Stiers - Porter Leary"

"Ed Begley - Charles Leary"

"Dudley Moore as Arthur Bach"

"Liza Minnelli as Linda Marolla"

"John Gielgud as Hobson"

"Geraldine Fitzgerald as Martha Bach"

"Jill Eikenberry as Susan Johnson"

"Stephen Elliott as Burt Johnson"

"Thomas Barbour as Stanford Bach"

"Ted Ross as Bitterman"

"Barney Martin as Ralph Marolla"

"Paul Gleason as Executive"

"Phyllis Somerville as Saleslady"

"Lou Jacobi as Plant store owner"

"Justine Johnston as Aunt Pearl"

"Lawrence Tierney as Man in Diner Demanding Roll"

"Mark Margolis (uncredited) as Wedding guest"

"First of all, I should like to say that I think the arguments advanced by the counsel for the defense were sound... MERE sound!"

"[to Amanda] No matter what you think you think, you think the same as I think."

"No part of marriage is the exclusive province of any one sex."

"And so the question here is equality before the law, regardless of religion, color, wealth, or, as in this instance, sex...Law, like man, is composed of two parts: Just as man is body and soul, so is the law, letter and spirit. The law says, 'Thou shalt not kill,' yet men have killed, and proved a reason, and been set free. Self-defense, defense of others, of wife, of children, and home. If a thief breaks into your house, and you shoot him, the law will not deal harshly with you, nor indeed should it. So here, you are asked to judge not whether or not these acts were committed, but to what extent they were justified. Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I request that you join me in a revealing experiment. I ask you all to direct your attention to the defendant, Mrs. Attinger. Now keep looking at her, keep watching. Listen carefully and look at her. Look at her hard. Now imagine her a man. Go on now, use your imaginations. Think of her as a man sitting there accused of a like crime -- a husband, who is only trying to protect his home. Now hold it. Hold that impression and look at Beryl Caighn. Look at her. Look at her hard, a man, a slick home wrecker, a third party, a wolf! You know the type. Alright, hold that impression and look at Mr. Attinger, and suppose him a woman. Try, try hard. Ah, yes, there she is. The guilty wife! Look at her! Does she arouse your sympathy?! Alright! Now you have it! Judge it so! An unwritten law stands back of a man who fights to defend his home. Apply this same law to this maltreated wife, and neglected woman. We ask you no more: equality. Deep in the heart of South America, there thrives today a civilization far older than ours: a people known as the Loquiňanos, descended from the Amazons. In this vast tribe, members of the female sex rule and govern, and systematically deny equal rights to the men, made weak and puny by years of subservience, too weak to revolt. And yet, how long have we lived in the shadow of a like injustice?Consider this unfortunate woman's act as though you yourselves had each committed it. Every living being is capable of attack, if sufficiently provoked. Assault lies dormant within us all. It requires only circumstance to set it in violent motion. I ask you for a verdict of not guilty. There was no murder attempt here, only a pathetic attempt to save a home."

"Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called in-breeding; from this comes idiot children... and other lawyers."

"Amanda, my love, why do you stay married to a legal beagle with ten thumbs?"

"It Will Tickle Your Funny Bone!"

"You'll split your sides laughing!"

"It's The Hilarious Answer To Who Wears The Pants!"

"Spencer Tracy - Adam Bonner"

"Katharine Hepburn - Amanda Bonner"

"Judy Holliday - Doris Attinger"

"Tom Ewell - Warren Francis Attinger"

"David Wayne - Kip Lurie"

"Jean Hagen - Beryl Caighn"

"Hope Emerson - Olympia La Pere"

"Clarence Kolb- Judge Reiser"

"Polly Moran - Mrs. McGrath"

"Will Wright - Judge Marcasson"

"Madge Blake - Mrs. Bonner, Adam's Mother"

"Oh, I fear success. Why do I fear success?"

"I went out last night trying to fuck up my life and it worked."

"I gotta leave you here, dude, I don't know what else to do with you."

"Fuck! ...Don't swear."

"Can we stop running? I'm almost thirty."

"So look. You're obviously having some family issues. But whatever. It's childhood. It ends."

"Don't look at me like that. You fucked-- You screwed up a very important meeting for me back there. I think I've been more than accommodating."

"It was great meeting you. Uhm. I'll come back here and, y'know, drink the alcohol. At some point."

"Dude, it's a party. You can have like ten cookies. Go crazy."

"Listen. They're gonna deal with you. Get you back home. Or whatever. If they uh, ask any questions, uhm. Just tell 'em you've been walking around or something, y'know? Don't, don't mention my name. I don't wanna get in any trouble. It was nice meeting you."

"What I'm missing, I think, is a great subject. Like, like the novel. That which is new, y'know? I mean, where's my... What do I draw upon?"

"I mean, my great shame as a writer is that I'm just this suburban kid with good parents. Y'know? I was fed, clothed, carpooled. Hardly Dickensian, y'know what I'm saying?"

"You know this is my job, don't you? I have to sit here and write things. It's... It's not easy with you staring at me."

"Sorry I don't have a television. What's your thing? What do you like? You like art, huh? To draw? Really? Here. Draw yourself a television."

"Tuck, tuck, don't forget to tuck!"

"Okay. I promise this won't take long. It's actually just an excuse to get drunk with the people I love. So, as a little extra dash of fun, whenever anyone says, oh, I don't know, follicle, we can all drink. Follicle!"

"I'm also, in addition to being super drunk, hairless. And unlike some of the hot gay men here, I do not wax."

"We're not really cousins. Parents, best friends..."

"And you thought, I know what kids love: alopecia awareness parties."

"I knew he'd bail. Dave was always way too much of a wimp to stay here forever."

"If you don't feed me, soon, I'm gonna eat your face."

"I'm afraid my brain is going to melt. I'm afraid we will never walk anywhere ever again. I'm afraid... We won't care about things anymore, except opening weekend grosses and pilates classes."

"You're my man. You're my big, funny, floppy-haired man."

"Oh my god, baby. I wish you were here with me right now. I got Dave's jeep and I'm driving on the PCH. And the sun is about to set. It is fucking unbelievable."

"You know I haven't encountered a single mosquito since I've been here? It's like a no-mosquito-zone. They're outlawed or something."

"Dave told me this awesome thing about L.A. No, listen. He says the whole town is like this blank canvas, and whatever you bring to it, that's what it is. It's just this random collection of neighborhoods where it's always sunny and it basically reflects wherever you're at back at you. So if you're happy, L.A. is great. If you're not, L.A. sucks. But it has nothing to do with Los Angeles. Because, get this, there's no such thing!"

"What good is paying out the nose to live here if we never take advantage of it? We might as well live somewhere else and just, visit every once and a while and actually do things. Y'know? Like hit the Met. Take in a Broadway show. Carnegie Deli. Wow, that's a really big sandwich. I don't know if I can eat all that."

"Did you know that my three most financially successful years in New York City were when I was dealing pot?"

"I just wanna feel like the crap I put myself through is... I don't know. I'm just tired."

"Go get yourself loved."

"Josh Radnor - Sam Wexler"

"Michael Algieri - Rasheen"

"Kate Mara - Mississippi"

"Malin Åkerman - Annie"

"Tony Hale - Sam #2"

"Zoe Kazan - Mary Catherine"

"Pablo Schreiber - Charlie"

"[trying to describe Linda] She was sort of a medium built, medium height. With a nice evening gown on with a belt in the back. She's sorta built like the girl I knew from the corner drugstore who used to play pinball. Conshwella Schlepkiss. I remember she was high man three weeks in a row."

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know."

"A gentle smile often breeds a kick in the pants."

"If I'm not the best manager in the business, I'll eat a garage mechanic's shirt!"

"[about winning Linda back] You could melt her heart right down to butter, if you'd only turn on the heat!"

"Bing Crosby - Jim Hardy"

"Fred Astaire - Ted Hanover"

"Marjorie Reynolds - Linda Mason"

"Virginia Dale - Lila Dixon"

"Walter Abel - Danny Reed"

"Louise Beavers - Mamie"

"Irving Bacon - Gus"

"Marek Windheim - François"

"James Bell - Dunbar"

"John Gallaudet - Parker"

"Shelby Bacon - Vanderbilt"

"[to Jane] I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you'd be the only one I would tell."

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?"

"[to Jane] And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lede."

"Blair Litton: [to Jane] Except for socially, you're my role model."

"William Hurt - Tom Grunick"

"Albert Brooks - Aaron Altman"

"Holly Hunter - Jane Craig"

"Robert Prosky - Ernie Merriman"

"Lois Chiles - Jennifer Mack"

"Joan Cusack - Blair Litton"

"Christian Clemenson - Bobby"

"Jack Nicholson - Bill Rorich"

"John Cusack - Angry Messenger"

"Marc Shaiman - News Theme Writer"

"[on his and Tess's very short wedding ceremony] No one will ever believe we were married sober."

"Success is no fun unless you share it with someone."

"Women should be kept illiterate and clean, like canaries."

"The picture of the year!"

"Spencer Tracy - Sam Craig"

"Katharine Hepburn - Tess Harding"

"Fay Bainter - Ellen Whitcomb"

"Reginald Owen - Clayton"

"Minor Watson - William J. Harding"

"William Bendix - "Pinkie" Peters"

"Dan Tobin - Gerald Howe"

"Roscoe Karns - Phil Whittaker"

"Ludwig Stössel - Dr. Lubbeck"

"Sara Haden - Matron"

"Edith Evanson - Alma"

"We are all broken. Those of us who are less broken need to help those who are more broken."

"I only like eating Lucky Charms and I'll die of consumption."

"Geena Davis - Angie"

"James Gandolfini - Vinnie"

"Stephen Rea - Noel"

"Aida Turturro - Tina"

"[to Jimmy over his anger at his "He's engaged!" tagline during the Hollywood Television Showcase performance] I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."

"Tom Hanks - Mr. White"

"Tom Everett Scott - Guy "Shades" Patterson"

"Johnathon Schaech - James "Jimmy" Mattingly II"

"Steve Zahn - Leonard "Lenny" Haise"

"Ethan Embry - "T. B. Player," a.k.a. The Bass Player"

"Liv Tyler - Faye Dolan"

"Charlize Theron - Tina Powers"

"Bill Cobbs - Del Paxton"

"Giovanni Ribisi - Chad"

"Obba Babatundé - Lamarr"

"Alex Rocco - Sol Siler"

"Chris Isaak - Uncle Bob"

"Larry Antonino - Scott "Wolfman" Pell"

"Holmes Osborne - Mr. Patterson"

"[talking to his dog Arthur at a dog park] Go and have experiences with your own people. I'll be right here. I'm a human. I'm not a dog. And you're a Jack Russell, and that's a breed. Your personality was created by this guy John Russell, who was a hunting enthusiast in the 1800's. And he bred your ancestors for their stamina and their courage for the hunt. You think you're you and you want to chase the foxes, but... other people planted that in you years ago, and now, somewhat arbitrarily you're considered very cute by us humans. And we keep breeding you not to- not to chase foxes, but to be cute. And we put you in television shows, and movies, and- And you're chasing tennis balls because they're as close to a fox as you're gonna get."

"[talking to Anna on the phone who uses beeps to talk] I've always wanted to have a phone call with someone who doesn't talk."

"Ewan McGregor - Oliver"

"Christopher Plummer - Hal"

"Mélanie Laurent - Anna"

"Goran Višnjić - Andy"

"Mary Page Keller - Georgia"

"China Shavers - Shauna"

"Cosmo - Arthur"

"[voiceover] I have learned so many things, Father. Not just how to make vichyssoise or calf's head with sauce vinaigrette, but a much more important recipe. I have learned how to live, how to be in the world and of the world, and not just to stand aside and watch. And I will never, never again run away from life, or from love, either."

"Paris is for lovers. Maybe that's why I stayed only 35 minutes."

"All's fair in love . . . with Sabrina Fair and her men!"

"...the chauffeur's daughter who learned her stuff in Paris!"

"Humphrey Bogart – Linus Larrabee"

"Audrey Hepburn – Sabrina Fairchild"

"William Holden – David Larrabee"

"Walter Hampden – Oliver Larrabee"

"John Williams – Thomas Fairchild"

"Martha Hyer – Elizabeth Tyson"

"Joan Vohs – Gretchen Van Horn"

"Marcel Dalio – Baron St. Fontanel"

"Marcel Hillaire – The Professor"

"Nella Walker – Maude Larrabee"

"Francis X. Bushman – Mr. Tyson"

"Ellen Corby – Miss McCardle"

"[to Dr. Cliff Patel] This is what I believe to be true. This is what I learned in the hospital. You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining."

"[to Dr. Cliff Patel about Tiffany] So she's a loyal, married to a dead-guy slut."

"Once you get in the right frame of mind, I think anything's possible. I think we get, we so often get caught in this state of negativity and it's a, it's a poison like nothing else."

"[voiceover] The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday, that's guaranteed. And I can't begin to explain that or the craziness inside myself and everyone else, but guess what? Sunday is my favorite day again. I think of everything everyone did for me and I feel like—a very lucky guy."

"Can we get through one fucking conversation without you reminding me that my goddamn husband's dead?"

"You might not have experienced the shit that I did — but you loved hearing about it, didn't you? You are afraid to be alive! You're afraid to live! You're a hypocrite! You're a conformist! You're a liar! I opened up to you and you judged me! You're an asshole! You're an asshole!"

"I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!"

"Does anyone here happen to know what the Official Motto of the State of New York is on the Official Seal of the State of New York? Huh? Anybody? Do you? Do you know? … Excelsior! … Look it up. Yeah — Excelsior! Not that I give a fuck about football, or about your superstitions — but if it's me reading the signs, I don't send the Eagles guy whose personal motto is Excelsior to a fucking Giants game, especially when he's already in a legal situation."

"Bradley Cooper - Patrick "Pat Jr." Solitano"

"Jennifer Lawrence - Tiffany Maxwell"

"Robert De Niro - Patrizio "Pat Sr." Solitano"

"Jacki Weaver - Dolores Solitano."

"Chris Tucker - Danny McDaniels"

"Julia Stiles - Veronica"

"Anupam Kher - Dr. Cliff Patel"

"Brea Bee - Nikki Solitano"

"Shea Whigham - Jake Solitano"

"John Ortiz - Ronnie"

"Paul Herman - Randy"

"Dash Mihok - Officer Keogh"

"Do you ever think that we have too much time on our hands? With all the advances made in extending the human life span, that perhaps nature's cruelest irony is that we get progressively stupider and stupider with each passing generation. I mean, some day we'll live for 300 years but we won't be able to sit still for 5 seconds... just a thought."

"Meg Tilly - Sarah"

"Eric Stoltz - Joseph"

"Craig Sheffer - Frank"

"Lewis Arquette - Minister"

"Todd Field - Duane"

"Susan Traylor - Deborah"

"Tegan West - Rory"

"Dean Cameron - Leo"

"Amaryllis Borrego - Amy"

"Thomas Gibson - Nigel"

"Parker Posey - Athena"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Lauren"

"Alida P. Field - Gina"

"Vanessa Angel - Marianne"

"June Lockhart - Caroline"

"Quentin Tarantino - Sid"

"This is Joan, my roommate. She specializes in unsolicited attacks."

"Bullshit. You don't know what love is. You've gotten everything you have always wanted and now you're feeling sorry for yourself because there's something you want and you can't have it. But you had it! I gave you love. But you asked me to leave and I left."

"Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else."

"[to Danny] You know what your problem is? Your face. Come on, you're too good-looking. Girls go out with you and get nervous. They feel dumpy, they don't want to compete. They want a guy like... like me. A guy who'll make them look good. A basic Neanderthal type. The swarthy type. A man's man."

"It's about men, women, choices, friendship, love, last night..."

"Making love was easy...being in love difficult."

"Rob Lowe - Danny"

"Demi Moore - Debbie"

"Jim Belushi - Bernie"

"Elizabeth Perkins - Joan"

"George DiCenzo - Mr. Favio"

"Robin Thomas - Steve Carlson"

"Megan Mullally - Pat"

"Rosanna DeSoto - Mrs. Lyons"

"Tim Kazurinsky - Colin"

"Kevin Bourland - Ira"

"Catherine Keener - Cocktail Waitress"

"Charlie, it's like there's this window into my heart and you can open and crawl in whenever you want. Well, I've got to close it or nothing is ever going to change."

"Well, what's the point of being a teenager if you can't dress weird?"

"Knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?"

"Knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Peggy Sue is going back with the chance to change her destiny."

"She awoke in the past with a chance to rebuild her future."

"A film about love and life and the chance to change them both."

"Kathleen Turner - Peggy Sue Bodell"

"Nicolas Cage - Charlie Bodell"

"Barry Miller - Richard Norvik"

"Catherine Hicks - Carol Heath"

"Joan Allen - Maddy Nagle"

"Kevin J. O'Connor - Michael Fitzsimmons"

"Jim Carrey - Walter Getz"

"Lisa Jane Persky - Delores Dodge"

"Lucinda Jenney - Rosalie Testa"

"Wil Shriner - Arthur Nagle"

"Barbara Harris - Evelyn Kelcher"

"Don Murray - Jack Kelcher"

"Sofia Coppola - Nancy Kelcher"

"Maureen O'Sullivan - Elizabeth Alvorg"

"Leon Ames - Barney Alvorg"

"Helen Hunt - Beth Bodell"

"Glenn Withrow - Terry"

"EST. 1862 · The BULLETIN · A free press means a free people."

"I'm gonna talk about us — the average guys, the John Does. If anybody should ask you what the average John Doe is like, you couldn't tell him because he's a million and one things. He's Mr. Big and Mr. Small, he's simple and he's wise, he's inherently honest but he's got a streak of larceny in his heart. He seldom walks up to a public telephone without shovin' his finger into the slot to see if somebody left a nickel there. He's the man the ads are written for. He's the fella everybody sells things to. He's Joe Doakes, the world's greatest stooge and the world's greatest strength. Yes sir, yes sir, we're a great family, the John Does. We are the meek who are supposed to inherit the earth. You'll find us everywhere. We raise the crops, we dig the mines, work the factories, keep the books, fly the planes and drive the buses, and when the cop yells, 'Stand back there you,' he means us - the John Does. We've existed since time began. We built the pyramids. We saw Christ crucified, pulled the oars for Roman emperors, sailed the boats for Columbus, retreated from Moscow with Napoleon, and froze with Washington at Valley Forge. Yes sir, we've been in there dodging left hooks since before History began to walk. In our struggle for freedom, we've hit the canvas many a time, but we always bounced back because we're the people — and we're tough."

"They've started a lot of talk about free people goin' soft, that we can't take it. That's a lot of hooey! A free people can beat the world at anything, from war to tiddlywinks, if we all pull in the same direction. [Applause] I know a lot of you are saying, 'What can I do? I'm just a little punk. I don't count.' Well, you're dead wrong. The little punks have always counted because in the long run, the character of a country is the sum total of the character of its little punks."

"But we've all got to get in there and pitch. We can't win the old ball game unless we have teamwork. And that's where every John Doe comes in. It's up to him to get together with his teammate. And your teammate, my friends, is the guy next door to ya. Your neighbor — he's a terribly important guy, that guy next door. You're gonna need him and he's gonna need you, so look him up. If he's sick, call on him. If he's hungry, feed him. If he's out of a job, find him one. To most of you, your neighbor is a stranger, a guy with a barkin' dog and a high fence around him. Now you can't be a stranger to any guy that's on your own team. So tear down the fence that separates you. Tear down the fence and you'll tear down a lot of hates and prejudices. Tear down all the fences in the country and you'll really have teamwork."

"I know a lot of you are saying to yourselves: 'He's askin' for a miracle to happen. He's expecting people to change all of a sudden.' Well, you're wrong. It's no miracle. It's no miracle because I see it happen once every year and so do you at Christmastime. There's something swell about the spirit of Christmas, to see what it does to people, all kinds of people. Now why can't that spirit, that same warm Christmas spirit last the whole year round? Gosh, if it ever did, if each and every John Doe would make that spirit last 365 days out of the year — we'd develop such a strength, we'd create such a tidal wave of good will that no human force could stand against it. Yes sir, my friends, the meek can only inherit the earth when the John Does start loving their neighbors. You'd better start right now. Don't wait till the game is called on account of darkness. Wake up, John Doe, you're the hope of the world."

"[to Norton] You mean to tell me you'd try to kill the John Doe movement if you can't use it to get what you want?...Well, that certainly is a new low. I guess I've seen everything now...You...think of deliberately killing an idea that's made millions of people a little bit happier. An idea that's brought thousands of 'em here from all over the country — by bus, and by freight and jalopies and on foot — so they could pass on to each other their own simple little experiences...Why, your type's as old as history — if you can't lay your dirty fingers on a decent idea and twist it and squeeze it and stuff it into your own pockets, you slap it down. Like dogs, if you can't eat something, you bury it! Why, this is the one worthwhile thing that's come along. People are finally finding out that the guy next door isn't a bad egg. That's simple, isn't it?...It may be the one thing capable of saving this cock-eyed world. Yet you sit back there on your fat hulks and tell me you'll kill it if you can't use it. Well, you go ahead and try. You couldn't do it in a million years with all your radio stations and all your power, because it's bigger than whether I'm a fake, it's bigger than your ambitions, and it's bigger than all the bracelets and fur coats in the world."

"[in her newspaper column] Below is a letter which reached my desk this morning. It's a commentary on what we laughingly call a civilized world. Dear Miss Mitchell: Four years ago, I was fired out of my job. Since then, I haven't been able to get another one. At first, I was sore at the state administration because it's on account of the slimy politics here. We have all this unemployment. But in looking around, it seems the whole world is goin' to pot. So in protest, I'm goin' to commit suicide by jumping off the City Hall roof. Signed, a disgusted American citizen. John Doe. Editor's Note: If you ask this column, the wrong people are jumping off the roofs."

"He [John Doe] wants to get a few things off his chest and that's the only way he can get himself heard...So he writes me a letter and I dig him up. He pours out his soul to me. From now on, we quote: "I PROTEST" — by John Doe. He protests against all the evils in the world — the greed, the lust, the hate, the fear, all of man's inhumanity to man. Arguments will start. Should he commit suicide or should he not? People will write in, pleading with him — but NO! No sir, John Doe will remain adamant. On Christmas Eve, hot or cold, he goes. See? [when her editor still won't commit] If it was raining hundred dollar bills, you'd be out looking for a dime you lost someplace."

"Now please, John, you won't let me down, will ya? Will ya? Of course you won't. If you'll just think of yourself as the real John Doe. Listen, everything in that speech are things a certain man believed in. He was my father, John. When he talked, people listened. And they'll listen to you too. Funny, you know what my mother said the other night? She said to look into your eyes and I'd see father there...Now, listen, John. You're a pitcher. Now get in there and pitch. Good luck."

"Please don't give up. We'll start all over again. Just you and I. It isn't too late. The John Doe movement isn't dead yet. You see, John, it isn't dead or they [Norton's group] wouldn't be here. It's alive in them. They kept it alive by being afraid. That's why they came up here. Oh, darling!...We can start clean now. Just you and I. It'll grow John, and it'll grow big because it'll be honest this time. Oh, John, if it's worth dying for, it's worth living for. Oh please, John...You wanna be honest, don't ya? Well, you don't have to die to keep the John Doe ideal alive. Someone already died for that once. The first John Doe. And he's kept that ideal alive for nearly 2,000 years. It was He who kept it alive in them. And He'll go on keeping it alive for ever and always — for every John Doe movement these men kill, a new one will be born. That's why those bells are ringing, John. They're calling to us, not to give up but to keep on fighting, to keep on pitching. Oh, don't you see darling? This is no time to give up. You and I, John, we...Oh, no, no, John. If you die, I want to die too. Oh, oh, I love you."

"ALL AMERICA WANTS TO MEET THE "MR. DEEDS" OF 1941!"

"Gary Cooper - John Doe/Long John Willoughby"

"Barbara Stanwyck - Ann Mitchell"

"Edward Arnold - D. B. Norton"

"Walter Brennan - The Colonel"

"Spring Byington - Mrs. Mitchell"

"James Gleason - Henry Connell"

"Gene Lockhart - Mayor Lovett"

"Rod La Rocque - Ted Sheldon (final film role)"

"Irving Bacon - Beanie"

"How are we supposed to have a meaningful family relationship if he's always on the verge of killing you?"

"You're a very weird kid."

"I could lay under you, eat fried chicken and do a crossword puzzle at the same time, that's how much you bother me."

"You kiss me where the sun don't shine."

"Ellen Burstyn - Alice Hyatt"

"Alfred Lutter - Tommy"

"Kris Kristofferson - David"

"Billy Green Bush - Donald"

"Diane Ladd - Flo"

"Lelia Goldoni - Bea"

"Vic Tayback - Mel"

"Jodie Foster - Audrey"

"Harvey Keitel - Ben"

"Valerie Curtin - Vera"

"Harry Northup - Joe & Jim's Bartender"

"Don't open the door for any gas men. Unless you think either one of us would be interested."

"I like guys a lot, but I'm not going to waste my time with some guy that doesn't see things the way I do... I mean do you really need this guy?"

"I want you to be with me, I want you to marry me, I want you to love me the way that I love you."

"You don't tell a woman that you love her and then two days later bring Romeo over to sleep with him."

"You have to pick one person and make it work."

"Freud didn't know DICK about women."

"I want to look at you and not feel so hurt by you."

"Head up, young person."

"I'm simple, that's why I teach first grade."

"Don't fix your life so that you're left alone right as you come to the middle of it."

"One shouldn't be too hard on oneself when the object of one's affection returns the favor with rather less enthusiasm than one might have hoped."

"I enjoy gay people, but I just have a slight problem with my pregnant sister being in love with one of them."

"Sidney Miller: If I wasn't happily married and you weren't my wife's stepsister, I'd have an affair with you in a second."

"Sidney Miller: I swear, I'm hotter than a goat in China."

"Dr. Robert Joley: We're too young to settle for a twin-bedded friendship."

"A love story that could only happen between best friends."

"Sometimes The Most Desirable Relationship Is The One You Can't Have"

"Jennifer Aniston - Nina Borowski"

"Paul Rudd - George Hanson"

"John Pankow - Vince McBride"

"Allison Janney - Constance Miller"

"Alan Alda - Sidney Miller"

"Tim Daly - Dr. Robert Joley"

"Joan Copeland - Madame Reynolds"

"Steve Zahn - Frank Hanson"

"Nigel Hawthorne - Rodney Fraser"

"Kali Rocha - Melissa"

"Gabriel Macht as Steve Casillo"

"Sarah Hyland as Molly"

"Hayden Panettiere - Mermaid"

"Liam Aiken - Nathan"

"Bruce Altman - Dr. Goldstein"

"Daniel Cosgrove - Trotter Bull"

"Samia Shoaib - Suni"

"Audra McDonald - wedding singer"

"Lauren Varija Pratt as Sally"

"Salem Ludwig - Mr. Shapiro"

"Antonia Rey - Mrs. Ochoa"

"John Roland - TV Anchor"

"Rosanna Scotto - TV Anchor"

"Kevin Corrall - Louis Crowley"

"Kia Goodwin - Juliet"

"It's been proven by history: all mankind makes mistakes."

"Walt Bishop: Our daughter's been abducted by one of these beige lunatics!"

"Social Services: [to Scout Master Ward and Captain Sharp] You two are the most appallingly incompetent custodial guardians Social Services has ever had the misfortune to encounter in a TWENTY-SEVEN year career!"

"Jared Gilman - Sam Shakusky"

"Kara Hayward - Suzy Bishop"

"Bruce Willis - Captain Duffy Sharp"

"Edward Norton - Scout Master Randy Ward"

"Bill Murray - Walt Bishop"

"Frances McDormand - Laura Bishop"

"Tilda Swinton - Social Services"

"Jason Schwartzman - Cousin Ben"

"Bob Balaban - Narrator"

"Harvey Keitel - Commander Pierce"

"Rob Campbell - Deluca"

"Larry Pine - Mr. Billingsley"

"Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick - Roosevelt"

"Chandler Frantz - Gadge"

"We are all God's animated cartoons."

"I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know."

"If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - 'cuz funny Steve's going under."

"Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"!"

"Oh okay, so I'm not funny, SHOOT ME!"

"Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name."

"Stand-Up Comic: [doing an impression of Ghandi's mother] Please, sweetheart... just a sandwich?"

"Albert Emperato: You don't want carpet! You want an area rug!"

"Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

"It only hurts when you LAUGH!"

"Sally Field - Lilah Krytsick"

"Tom Hanks - Steven Gold"

"John Goodman - John Krytsick"

"Mark Rydell - Romeo"

"Kim Greist - Madeline Urie"

"Paul Mazursky - Arnold"

"Taylor Negron - Albert Emperato"

"Damon Wayans - Percy"

"Mac Robbins - Billy Lane"

"Hey Max. Remember from before when we did sex to each other?"

""Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion. Do you wanna share a dessert?" Lead with that. Definitely lead with that. Perfect. That's perfect."

"My name is Dedee Truitt. I'm sixteen, and this is Creve Coeur, Louisiana... which is French, I think, for like, 'fucked heart'."

"If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your heads. I don't have a heart of gold and I don't grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up - we call them "losers.""

"My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great! Not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser bitch!""

"Rule one of sex: a person can do anything for ten minutes if they don't breath in."

"Seems like everybody's having sex but me. Good for them. It's not that I'm against sex. I mean, it was clever of God or evolution or whatever to hook the survival of the species to it because we're gonna screw around no what. It was a smarter thing to pick than say... the instinct to share your toys or return phone calls. We'd have died out like eons ago. But on the minus side, god... all the attachment that goes with it. It's like this net. Sex always ends in kids or disease, or like, you know, relationships. That's exactly what I don't want. I want the opposite of all that. Because it's not worth it, not really, is it? When you think about it? [cut to montage of memories of heart-warming relationship scenes] OK, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not all shit. Maybe... God damn it. I thought the whole idea was I know what happens next. I'll tell you one thing... I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house and be this big changed person for you. I told you right off I don't grow a heart of gold. And if I do, which is, like, so unlikely... give me a break and don't make me do it in front of you. Come on, guys, go, okay? [looking at the camera angrily] GO! I'll give you this much, though... I never was the same again after that summer."

"[Refusing heterosexual sex with Dedee] I've never tried communism, but I know I wouldn't like that. It's the same thing. Or grits."

"Girl Student: This is America, and we're Christians here - aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way - and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into "man-on-man action," which is how they describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it's very family... [pause] Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to."

"Christina Ricci - Dedee Truitt"

"Ivan Sergei - Matt Mateo"

"Martin Donovan - Bill Truitt"

"Lisa Kudrow - Lucia De Lury"

"Lyle Lovett - Carl Tippett"

"William Lee Scott - Randy Cates"

"Johnny Galecki - Jason Bock"

"Colin Ferguson - Tom De Lury"

"[while performing the Boogie Woogie] As the next part of the Boogie Woogie is so strange that it calls for an explanation, is called a Boogie Woogie break. And when I'm playing it and, like, stop at a certain point, you're going to think I forgot the music. But I didn't forget the music; there's just no music written for that part. That's why they call it a break."

"I love it! That was terrific! Ya see, George. I told you, men do come to my concerts. Well, I really appreciate it and I know somebody else out in the audience that appreciates it too. And that's my mom. Mom, I'll tell you what. Let them hear it from you and I'll play it just for you. Okay, mom?"

"I really thank you all for joining me in this Boogie Woogie, and I'd like to try a little experiment. I've been playing this Boogie Woogie at eight beats to the bar. I'd like to try playing it now at sixteen beats to the bar."

"[to Scott] Well, this must be fate."

"[Scott imagines seeing Liberace performing one last time. Last lines] To dream the impossible dream. To be better far than you are. To try, when your arms are too weary. To reach the unreachable star. This is my quest to follow that star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far. Be willing to give and there's no more to give. Be willing to die so that honor and justice may live and I know and I'll only be true to this glorious quest. My heart, shall lie peaceful and calm, when I'm laid to my rest. Thank you. Thank you. You have made me the happiest piano player who has ever lived and no matter what I still believe and always will. Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

"Michael Douglas - Liberace"

"Matt Damon - Scott Thorson"

"Dan Aykroyd - Seymour Heller"

"Rob Lowe - Dr. Jack Startz"

"Debbie Reynolds - Frances Liberace"

"Scott Bakula - Bob Black"

"Boyd Holbrook - Cary James"

"Jeff Bridges - Jack Baker"

"Beau Bridges - Frank Baker"

"Michelle Pfeiffer - Susie Diamond"

"Ellie Raab - Nina"

"Xander Berkeley - Lloyd"

"Jennifer Tilly - Blanche "Monica" Moran"

"Dakin Matthews - Charlie"

"Ken Lerner - Ray"

"Albert Hall - Henry"

"(first lines) This is the story how love take place, but not as anyone would happen. In those romances, the reason why it's going to be, Michael!"

"They're just friends! Fuck!"

"It was a stupid thing!"

"We all make choices. What's yours?"

"Zach Braff - Michael"

"Jacinda Barrett - Jenna"

"Casey Affleck - Chris"

"Rachel Bilson - Kim"

"Michael Weston - Izzy"

"Eric Christian Olsen - Kenny"

"Marley Shelton - Arianna"

"Lauren Lee Smith - Lisa"

"Harold Ramis - Professor Bowler"

"Blythe Danner] - Anna"

"Tom Wilkinson - Stephen"

"Danny Wells - Izzy's Uncle"

""C'est la vie" — Que se-fucking sera sera."

"She came along the alley and up the back steps the way she always used to. Doc hadn't seen her for over a year. Nobody had. Back then it was always sandals, bottom half of a flower-print bikini, faded Country Joe & the Fish t-shirt. Tonight she was all in flatland gear, hair a lot shorter than he remembered, looking just like she swore she'd never look."

"Back when they were together she could go weeks without anything more complicated than a pout. Now she was laying some heavy combination of face ingredients on Doc that he couldn't read at all."

"Doc ran through all the things he hadn't asked Shasta. Like how much she'd come to depend on Wolfmann's guaranteed level of ease and power? And least askable of all, how passionately did she really feel about old Mickey? Doc knew the likely reply, "I love him", what else? With the unspoken footnote that the word these days was being way too overused."

""Inherent vice" in a maritime insurance policy is anything that you can't avoid. Eggs break, chocolate melts, glass shatters, and Doc wondered what that meant when it applied to ex-old-ladies"

"Was it possible that at every gathering, concert, peace rally, love-in, be-in, freak-in, here up north, back east, where ever, some dark crews had been busy all along reclaiming the music, the resistance to power, the sexual desire from epic to everyday? All they could sweep up for the ancient forces of greed and fear? Gee he thought... I don't know."

"[about the police station] On principle he tried to spend as little time around the glass house as possible. All this strange alternative cop history and cop politics, cop dynasties, cop heroes and evil doers, saintly cops and psycho cops, cops too stupid to live and cops too smart for their own good, insulated by secret loyalties and codes of silence from the world they'd all been given the control."

"Well Mornin' Sam, like a bad luck planet in today's horoscope, here's the old hippie-hating mad dog himself in the flesh: Lieutenant Detective Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen. SAG member, John Wayne walk, flat top of Flintstone proportions and that evil, little shit-twinkle in his eye that says Civil Rights Violations."

"Denis: Like Godzilla says to Mothra man, let's go eat some place."

"Joaquin Phoenix - Larry "Doc" Sportello"

"Josh Brolin - Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen"

"Owen Wilson - Coy Harlingen"

"Katherine Waterston - Shasta Fay Hepworth"

"Reese Witherspoon - Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball"

"Benicio del Toro - Sauncho Smilax, Esq."

"Jena Malone - Hope Harlingen"

"Joanna Newsom - Sortilège"

"Jordan Christian Hearn - Denis"

"Hong Chau - Jade"

"Jeannie Berlin - Aunt Reet"

"Maya Rudolph - Petunia Leeway"

"Michael K. Williams - Tariq Khalil"

"Michelle Sinclair - Clancy Charlock"

"Martin Short - Dr. Rudy Blatnoyd"

"Sasha Pieterse - Japonica Fenway"

"Martin Donovan - Crocker Fenway"

"Eric Roberts - Michael Z. "Mickey" Wolfmann"

"Serena Scott Thomas - Sloane Wolfmann"

"Yvette Yates - Luz"

"Andrew Simpson - Riggs Warbling"

"Jefferson Mays - Dr. Threeply"

"Keith Jardine - Puck Beaverton"

"Peter McRobbie - Adrian Prussia"

"Sam Jaeger - Agent Flatweed"

"Timothy Simons - Agent Borderline"

"We are the heart, and the soul. Without the percussion section, the band doesn’t move, doesn’t come alive. We are the pulse. And without a pulse, you’re dead. That’s why we’re the most important section of this band."

"You're the best, Devon! But when we're on the field, nobody hears you! They hear the band."

"We're gonna try something a little different this year. A little of my old school... with a little of your new. Honoring the past, and present at the same time. That's what our new direction is all about... bridging the gap. Our new piece for the B.E.T. Big Southern Classic... was arranged by two of your very own... [looks at Devon and Sean] Mr. Devon Miles, and Mr. Sean Taylor. [band cheers] This piece is very complicated, and is not half as complicated as the formations are gonna be. We don't have any time to waste here people, so as you would say... let's get crunk."

"People say that the band is just a reflection of its director."

"The radio is off now. It’s time for some real music."

"Half time is game time."

"Nick Cannon - Devon Miles"

"Zoe Saldana - Laila"

"Orlando Jones - Dr. James Lee"

"Leonard Roberts - Sean Taylor"

"GQ - Jayson Flore"

"J. Anthony Brown - Mr. Wade"

"Candace Carey - Diedre"

"Von Coulter - Ray Miles"

"Angela E. Gibbs - Dorothy Miles"

"Brandon Hirsch - Buck Wild"

"Afemo Omilami - President Wagner"

"That's L.A. They worship everything and they value nothing."

"[about jazz] It's conflict and it's compromise, and it's just...it's new every time. It's brand new every night. It's very, very exciting! And it's dying. It's dying, Mia. It's dying on the vine. And the world says, "Let it die. It had its time." Well, not on my watch."

"[singing] City of stars, Are you shining just for me? City of stars, There's so much that I can't see. Who knows, Is this the start of something wonderful and new? Or one more dream That I cannot make true?"

"I think you should call it Seb's because no one will come to a place called Chicken on a Stick."

"[singing] She told me a bit of madness is key To give us new colors to see. Who knows where it will lead us? And that's why they need us. So bring on the rebels, The ripples from pebbles, The painters and poets and plays.And here's to the fools Who dream, Crazy as they may seem. Here's to the hearts that break, Here's to the mess We make."

"Keith: How are you gonna be a revolutionary if you're such a traditionalist? You hold onto the past, but jazz is about the future."

"Ryan Gosling - Sebastian Wilder"

"Emma Stone - Mia Dolan"

"John Legend - Keith"

"Rosemarie DeWitt - Laura Wilder"

"J. K. Simmons - Bill"

"Finn Wittrock - Greg Earnest"

"Tom Everett Scott - David"

"Meagen Fay - Mia's Mom"

"Damon Gupton - Harry"

"Jason Fuchs - Carlo"

"Jessica Rothe - Alexis"

"Sonoya Mizuno - Caitlin"

"Callie Hernandez - Tracy"

"Josh Pence - Josh"

"I'm late, which is ironic, because I started out 9 hours and 23 minutes early."

"Josh Hartnett as Donald Morton"

"Radha Mitchell as Isabelle "Izzy" Sorenson"

"[after being told he shouldn't go to his Mom's feminist memorial] I will grieve alone for the rest of my life, but right now I want to be around people who loved her."

"We'll take the house. Honey, the chances of another plane hitting this house are astronomical. It's been pre-disastered. We're going to be safe here."

"[to his infant son in baby carriage] Don't be a baby, Duncan! Say da-da! [Duncan blows raspberry at Garp]"

"Men die young in my family, Helen!"

"You know, everybody dies. My parents died. Your father died. Everybody dies. I'm going to die too. So will you. The thing is, to have a life before we die. It can be a real adventure having a life."

"[telling Garp he cannot go to his mother's feminist memorial] They're not going to allow any men. A man killed her! They're very upset!"

"Robin Williams - T.S. Garp"

"Mary Beth Hurt - Helen Holm"

"Glenn Close - Jenny Fields"

"John Lithgow - Roberta Muldoon"

"Hume Cronyn - Mr. Fields"

"Jessica Tandy - Mrs. Fields"

"Swoosie Kurtz - The Hooker"

"Peter Michael Goetz - John Wolf"

"Mark Soper - Michael Milton"

"Warren Berlinger - Stew Percy"

"Brandon Maggart - Ernie Holm"

"Amanda Plummer - Ellen James"

"Jenny Wright - Cushie"

"Thank you for trying to get me to like Christmas. I love that you love it. I'm just so content taking care of other people's pets when they're away for the holiday."

"[about Harper]: She is my person and I really want everyone to know that. I want to marry her."

"I know this is very old-fashioned, but I am probably gonna ask her dad for his blessing and propose to her on Christmas morning."

"Harper isn't out and her parents don't know we're together."

"Do you know how painful it's been to watch the person that I love choose to hide me?"

"Yesterday I never felt closer to another person in my entire life, and now I don't know her. I thought she loved me and was happy, but I see her here and she's so terrified of what everyone thinks. It's just making me wonder who the real Harper is."

"[after meeting Riley]: Well, who knows, maybe another one of your exes will bring out dessert."

"[to the question that does she have a boyfriend]: No. But I have. Cause... I have had many. Um, but‐but not too many; an‐an appropriate amount. I actually just went through a breakup. Yeah, with, um, he was a... he was a milk man."

"[to Abby]: How can you not love the lights and the decorations and the Christmas trees?"

"Come with me to my parents' house for Christmas. I want to wake up with you on Christmas morning. And if that doesn't convince you to love Christmas, I'll never bring it up again."

"I am not hiding you. I am hiding me."

"[to her sister, Sloane]: Snowman pancakes? God, that’s a lot of work for something that’s just gonna turn to shit. Oh, but that’s kind of like your law degree."

"Shut up, Jane!"

"Sloane wasn't lying! I'm gay. And I am in love with Abby. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner, but I know how much appearances and reputation matter to you. And me being gay didn't fit into the plan. But I let myself hurt Riley because I was so scared that you'd find out I wasn't who you wanted me to be, and I still regret it. I can't do that to Abby and throw away our life together. So I am done being scared, and I am done keeping secrets."

"[repeated line to Abby]: I'm tracking you."

"I track everybody. If the NSA can do it, so can I."

"Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship. Why do you want to ruin that by engaging in one of the most archaic institutions in the history of the human race?"

"Way to stick it to the patriarchy. Really well done."

"So her parents think that their straight daughter brought home her lesbian friend for Christmas?"

"Have they ever met a lesbian?"

"Everybody's story is different. Just because Harper isn't ready doesn't mean she never will be, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you."

"The money doesn't matter. When I sell my book, I'll take care of all of us."

"I have a way with routers."

"I don't know about you, but I am single and I am ready to mingle."

"Come on, guys. Just hug it out."

"[to Sloane]: Freeze! Don’t move one more muscle before I hug you!"

"I had night terrors. They put me down here so I wouldn't wake everyone up."

"Let me know if you guys need any more room. I can make myself real small."

"[after Harper accidentally destroys her painting]: I put 100 hours into that painting, and you... you just destroyed it like it was nothing. It was something. I am something. And guess what: I like myself. And maybe you all don’t because I’m not fancy. But whether you like it or not, I’m a part of this family, and I will not be left out anymore!"

"I always skated circles around you."

"You have no idea what goes on in other people’s families, so you need to just keep your mouth shut!"

"Harper is a lesbian! Abby is her girlfriend."

"[while fighting with Harper and Abby wants to interfere]: You stay out of this, Sappho!"

"[to her parents]: Eric and I are getting a divorce. We separated a few months ago. And the truth is I didn’t tell you because without my family I’m worthless to you. We’ve spent our entire lives trying to earn your love, and I’m done, too."

"[after Abby is introduced to him as Harper's orphan friend]: Yes, of course. It's terrible. [pats her shoulder] There, there."

"Isn't this the best time of the year? I mean, really."

"I love you, girls. And I'm sorry for making you think that anything could ever get in the way of that. I want to do better, and it will take time, but all I want for you is to find the same joy and happiness that you have given me, no matter where it comes from."

"I started an Instagram feed for your father to give voters a peek behind the curtain. Your mother's going viral!"

"We have been so worried about seeming perfect, but maybe we don't even know what perfect is. We have one daughter who has been unhappy in a marriage and felt like she couldn't tell us! And another daughter who just had her heart broken because she was afraid we wouldn't love her if she told us the truth. And the only reason that Jane is okay is because we gave up on her after she wouldn't stop biting in preschool. That is very far from perfect, if you ask me."

"This holiday, everyone’s secrets are coming out."

"This holiday, come out and meet the family."

"One big secret, two terrible liars."

"Kristen Stewart - Abigail "Abby" Holland"

"Mackenzie Davis - Harper Caldwell"

"Alison Brie - Sloane Caldwell"

"Aubrey Plaza - Riley Johnson"

"Dan Levy - John"

"Mary Holland - Jane Caldwell"

"Victor Garber - Ted Caldwell"

"Mary Steenburgen - Tipper Caldwell"

"Ana Gasteyer - Harry Levin"

"Jake McDorman - Connor"

"Burl Moseley - Eric"

"Question: How does a girl who falls no, actually she jumps... Eyes open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out the other end unchanged? The answer. She doesn't. See, I know, because that girl is me."

"I've spent a life time looking for the truth and I have become the lie. Maybe some secrets should just stay secret."

"Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all."

"I should tear your eyes out right now, but how would you ever be able to look at yourself in the morning?"

"I felt like a lying sack of fertilizer. Knowing what I knew and not knowing what I didn't and knowing more than anything that I had to know more."

"There are moments in life when you hope your decisions weren't rash. And moments where you just know."

"I should have felt happier at that moment. I had won. But the cost was high and the victory hollow. I had taken a good friend from someone I loved. And nothing about that felt right."

"I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end...we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"A clean break is easier. You can reset it, and it heals, and you move on, but if you leave things messy, and things don't get put right, then it just hurts, for ever."

"Ira, regurgitate something fresh."

"Brittany Murphy - Stacy Holt"

"Holly Hunter - Barb Campbell-Dunn"

"Ron Livingston - Derek"

"Julianne Nicholson - Joyce Moore"

"Kathy Bates - Kippie Kann"

"Stephen Tobolowsky - Carl"

"Kevin Sussman - Ira Nachlis"

"Rashida Jones - Dr. Rachel Keyes"

"Josie Maran - Lulu Fritz"

"Dan Benson - Phillip"

"Dave Annable - Bean"

"Sharon Lawrence - Mom"

"Gavin Rossdale - Barista"

"Yvette Nicole Brown - Production assistant"

"Marshall Allman - Trotsky"

"Ben Ziff - Frank"

"Johnny Pacar (uncredited) - Jamal"

"Carly Simon (uncredited) - Herself"

"I'm just like you. For the most part, my life is totally normal. My dad was the annoyingly handsome quarterback who married the hot valedictorian. And no, they didn't peak in high school. I have a sister I actually like, not that I'd ever tell her that, and last year, and 200 episodes of Chopped ago, she decided she wanted to be a chef, which means we're pretty much all her test subjects now. And then there's my friends. Two of them I've known since pretty much the beginning of time, or at least kindergarten. One of them, I just met a few months ago, but it feels like I've known her forever. We do everything friends do. We drink way too much iced coffee, watch bad '90 movies and hang out at Waffle House dreaming of college and gorging on carbs. So, like I said, I'm just like you. I have a totally, perfectly normal life. Except I have one huge-ass secret."

"There's a really thin line between laughing with someone and laughing at someone. And you are that line."

"I've been thinking about why I haven't come out yet. Maybe it's because it doesn't seem fair that only gay people have to come out. Why is straight the default? Or maybe it's because I can't be sure this whole "being gay" thing is forever. Or maybe it's that there's not that much of high school left and part of me wants to hold on to who I've always been just a little longer. And then, when I go to college in Los Angeles, I'll be gay and proud, I promise. I'm not sure who I'm promising. I'll keep ruminating."

"Simon means "the one who hears" and Spier means "the one who sees", so you put that all together and pretty sure that means I was just destined to be up in everybody's business."

"I'm gay. And I don't want you guys to think anything different. I'm still me."

"I came out to my entire family on Christmas. It didn't go great. And I've been avoiding my friends the whole break for all sorts of reasons. Change is exhausting. I feel like there's nowhere to hide from all the newness of everything."

"I don't care if you didn't think that my coming out was gonna be a big thing, Martin. Look, you don't get to decide that. I'm supposed to be the one that decides when and where and how and who knows and how I get to say it, that's supposed to be my thing! And you took that away from me."

"Dear students of Creekwood High School, as anyone with a half-decent data plan already knows, a recent post on this very website declared that I was gay. The delivery left something to be desired, but the message is true. I am gay. For a long time, I was killing myself to hide that fact. I had all these reasons. It was unfair that only gay people had to come out. I was sick of change. But the truth is, I was just scared. At first I thought it was just a gay thing. But then I realized, no matter what, announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying, because what if the world doesn't like you? So I did whatever I could to keep my secret. I hurt the best, most important people. And I want them to know that I'm sorry. I am done being scared. I'm done living in a world where I don't get to be who I am."

"I know that you've been pretending for so long it's hard to believe you can stop."

"Sometimes, I feel like I'm stuck on a Ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world, and the next I'm at rock bottom. Over and over, all day long, because a lot of my life is great, but nobody knows I'm gay."

"I think I'm the kind of person who is destined to care so much about one person, it nearly kills me."

"Sorry to interrupt, but I have something to say that's a little more important than the national anthem. No offense, America."

"Nick Robinson — Simon Spier"

"Kathrine Langford — Leah Burke"

"Alexandra Shipp — Abby Suso"

"Jorge Lendeborg Jr. — Nick Eisner"

"Keiynan Lonsdale - Bram Greenfeld"

"It's simple. You shower Don with love. Peggy's smart. She makes him reach for it."

"Gay! Gossipy! Hilarious!"

"Mary Astor as Mrs. Nancy Gibson"

"Robert Ames as Donald Gibson"

"John Halliday as Sir Guy Harrington"

"as Billy Ross"

"Ruth Weston as Mrs. Sally Gibson Ross"

"as Peggy Preston"

"as Mrs. Preston"

"Alfred Cross as Brooks the Butler"

"as Mrs. Windleweaver"

"Bill Elliott as Reporter on Ship (uncredited)"

"Harold Miller as Deck Lounger (uncredited)"

"as Passenger Departing Ship (uncredited)"

"Pearl Varvalle as Helen, Gibson's maid (uncredited)"

"[narrating the first lines of the movie] There was a time I knew everything in the sky. Every satellite, every constellation, souvenirs of space walks and astronauts and rockets launched by NASA in the '60s. As a kid, I looked up and felt the future. It belonged to me."

"In any of its many forms, I have found that nothing beats fun."

"Bradley Cooper as Brian Gilcrest"

"Emma Stone as Alison Ng"

"Rachel McAdams as Tracy Woodside"

"Bill Murray as Carson Welch"

"John Krasinski as Major John "Woody" Woodside"

"Danny McBride as Colonel "Fingers" Lacy"

"Alec Baldwin as General Dixon"

"Bill Camp as Bob Largent"

"Michael Chernus as Roy"

"Danielle Rose Russell as Grace Woodside"

"Jaeden Martell as Mitchell Woodside"

"Edi Gathegi as Lieutenant Colonel Curtis"

"Ivana Miličević as Carson's biographer"

"Bumpy Kanahele as himself"

"There's a common belief among anthropologists that you must immerse yourself in an unfamiliar world in order to truly understand your own."

"You want to know about the dads? I'll tell you about the dads. They're chubby, bald, steak-eating, cigar-smoking, type-A pigs who get more turned on by the Bloomberg Wire than they do by any hot nannies. Actually, it's all of you in about 5 years. So take it from me, guys: Enjoy tonight, because your future looks pretty fucking bleak."

"My desire to be an observer of life was actually keeping me from having one."

"Child-rearing around the world boasts a wide variety of customs and mores. But perhaps the most bizarre social patterns can be found within the small island community of Manhattan... The inhabitants of the region known as the Upper East Side have the most prosperous, yet idiosyncratic social systems on the planet. After successfully mating and producing offspring, the men are often distant and uninvolved, leaving their women to hunt, gather and provide for their families. Yet the resourceful mothers of the Upper East Side have plenty of time to participate in a variety of sex-role specific activities. These include body mutilation, sacred meditation, even fasting rituals. Which brings us to our focus on child-rearing: Who actually does it? Well, in Africa, they have a saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." But for the tribe of the Upper East Side, it takes just one person: the Nanny."

"Scarlett Johansson as Annie "Nanny" Braddock"

"Laura Linney as Mrs. Alexandra X"

"Alicia Keys as Lynette"

"Chris Evans as Hayden "Harvard Hottie""

"Paul Giamatti as Mr. Stan X"

"Donna Murphy as Judy Braddock"

"Nicholas Reese Art as Grayer Addison X"

"Judith Roberts as Milicent"

"Julie White as Jane Gould"

"Nate Corddry as Calvin"

"Nina Garbiras as Miss Chicago"

"Brande Roderick as Tanya"

"Heather Simms as Murnel"

"Dating is a risk. You took a risk. It's brave."

"Who our partner is... it determines our whole life... and how we live. Not for one, two, ten years, but... forever."

"Marriage is a business deal. And it always has been, since the very first time two people did it."

"[last lines] How would you like to make a very bad financial decision?"

"You say you think I'm smart, but you're talking to me like I'm a caveman. I wouldn't date you if I didn't see value. I'm not like my brother; I'm not looking for the nicest, prettiest rich girl who likes me back. I'm looking for someone who understands the game, how the world works. I'm looking for someone I respect. And trust. Someone who knows more than me. I don't want to date you for your material assets... though I think you're underselling them by a significant margin. Material assets are cheap, they don't last. I want to be with yoh for your intangible assets. Those are good investments. They don't degrade. They only get sharper."

"Dakota Johnson — Lucy Mason"

"Chris Evans — John Pitts"

"Zoë Winters — Sophie"

"Marin Ireland — Violet"

"Louisa Jacobson — Charlotte"

"Pedro Pascal — Harry Castillo"

"I feel like there are things that you just, like, don't say to me. And I can't tell whether you're, like, holding back a desire to be close or a desire to be distant."

"Until I leave earth, I'm gonna have always been so tangled."

"Raiff's ambition to break free from sentimental formula and forge a path of his own is clear, making him an exciting young filmmaker to watch."

"Cooper Raiff — Andrew, a Tulane University graduate who has recently moved back home"

"Dakota Johnson — Domino"

"Evan Assante — David, Andrew's younger brother"

"Vanessa Burghardt — Lola, Domino's daughter"

"Leslie Mann — Lia, Andrew's mother"

"Brad Garrett — Stepdad Greg"

"Raúl Castillo — Joseph, Domino's fiancé"

"Colton Osorio — Rodrigo, David's friend"

"Amara Pedroso Saquel — Maya, Andrew's girlfriend"

"Odeya Rush — Macy, Andrew's friend from high school"

"Brooklyn Sloane Ramirez — Margaret"

"Kelly O'Sullivan — Bella"