"I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!"

"It's not like I had a hysterectomy. I just got fired."

"I have work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage."

"Hey! I'm a non-practicing virgin."

"You look like a doily."

"Are employee snacks subsidized?"

"There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake."

"Honey, the only thing you have to be at age 23 is yourself."

"There's no point to any of this. It's just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes.…"

"He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers."