"Monique: [in response to Andrew's flirting] Ew, what are you, hitting on me? Let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours."

"Olivia: [When Malcolm, telling her his tarantula is loose, says she should not feed it] Yes, because my first instinct would be to feed the turantula."

"Olivia: [as Viola takes her place at the kissing booth] Beware. The old guy chewing gum... it's not gum."

"Okay, how come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school."

"[tears up the manual containing the "no girls allowed" policy, before returning it to the referee] What manual? Listen, pal. Here at Illyria, we don't discriminate based on gender!"

"I think I played soccer once, or was it chess?"

"[When asked where the Sebastian is] Well, he must be half way to China by now, he showed us his willis & doodleberries."

"[Handing 'Sebastian' his food at lunch] Have a great apple and sandwich! [The next student steps up and begins to ask for something] No."

"[Seeing Olivia and 'Sebastian' meeting outside his office] What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not... is to not. Uh- [Pretending to respond to someone in his office] Hm? [Goes back inside his office]"

"Dude, come on, you're a guy, what would you do if the hottest girl in school came and asked you on a date?"

"[to Viola (as Sebastian)] Why, why do you always talk about girls in such graphic terms?"

"[Quoting Coach] Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

"[To Monique, breaking up with her] You're hot Monique, smokin' hot. But there are plenty of hot girls out there. And the truth is you have nothing else to offer! And when my eyes are closed, I see you for what you truly are, which is UUUG-LAY!"

"I'd tap that."

"You know how it is. New school, new babe pool."

"[to Duke] What does you heart tell you? [pause] I mean... which one would you rather see NAKED!?"

"So, uh, you play the beautiful game... bros... brothers... brethren?"

"[at the ball] Breathe. Just breathe."

"[to Henry] Why did you have to be so wonderful?"

"[to Le Pieu] My father was an expert swordsman, monsieur. He taught me well. Now hand me that key or I swear on his grave I will slit you from navel to nose."

"[about the prince] Honestly, I think he and Marguerite deserve each other."

"[to Henry] If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?"

"Pierre Le Pieu: [to Danielle] I may be twice your age, but I'm well endowed. As evidenced by my estate, I've always had a soft spot for the less fortunate. You need a wealthy benefactor - and I need a young lady with spirit."

"Queen Marie: Choose wisely, Henry. Divorce is only something they do in England."

"I shall be down in history as the man who opened a door!"

"I should leave walking on water with the Son of God. Fortunately, I tripped over an angel."

"[to Danielle] I kneel before you not as a prince, but as a man in love... But I would feel like a king if you, Danielle de Barbarac, would be my wife."

"[To Jacqueline] Tell no one we have spoken, for all shall reveal itself in due course."

"[to Danielle] Stay aloft, madame, there are games afoot."

"No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse."

"[to Danielle] The slightest turn of phrase can have a thousand meanings."

"[to Danielle] How can anyone love a pebble in their shoe?"

"[to Danielle] Bow before royalty, you insolent fraud!"

"[to Henry] Ask her yourself! She is a grasping, devious little pretender, and it is my duty, Your Highness, to expose her as the covetous hoax she is."

"[to Henry] She's an imposter, sire! Her name is Danielle de Barbarac, and she's been a servant in my home for the past ten years."

"[seeing herself in her wedding gown for the first time] I'm a snow beast!"

"Ma, you gonna make me swallow my tongue!"

"[narrating] Nice Greek girls who don't find a husband work in the family restaurant. So here I am, day after day, year after year, thirty and way past my expiration date."

"[narrating] My dad believed in two things: That Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek and that any ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy could be cured with Windex."

"[narrating] In Greek school, where I learned valuable lessons such as: "If Nick has one goat and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?""