"Barry Fife: If you can't dance a step, you can't teach it, and if you can't teach it - we might as well all pack up and go home. With young Liz available again, you've got a chance to get your status quo vadis back... so to speak."

"Barry Fife: [referring to Ken Railings] Let's not forget, Les, that a Pan Pacific Champion becomes a hero, a guiding light to all dancers, someone who'll set the right example."

"Fran: A life lived in fear is a life half lived."

"We're telling a story. The rumba is the dance of love. Look at me like you're in love. [Fran follows this instruction perhaps a little too enthusiastically] That's it. Good."

"Shall we dance?"

"He's quite engaging. She's otherwise engaged."

"Sophie Thompson – Lydia"

"David Haig – Bernard"

"Anna Chancellor – Henrietta ("Duckface")"

"Five good reasons to stay single"

"An Outrageously Funny Affair"

"Matthew: [At Gareth's funeral] Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. [Pause] In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. Fat seems to be a word people most connected with him. Terribly rude also rang a lot of bells. So very fat and very rude seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint. [pause] On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me to tell me that you loved him, which I know he'd be thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality... his strange experimental cooking. The recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. [pause] But joyful is how I hope you'll remember him. Not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met. As for me, you may ask how I will remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W. H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'. Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest; My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good.""

"Gareth: A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too.""

"The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you."

"Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that."

"[Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress] It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yech!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your delicious desserts. [pause] There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time I've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. [pause] Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep."

"Rowan Atkinson – Father Gerald"

"Charlotte Coleman – Scarlett"

"David Bower – David"

"Kristin Scott Thomas – Fiona"

"John Hannah – Matthew"

"Simon Callow – Gareth"

"James Fleet – Tom"

"Andie MacDowell – Carrie"

"Hugh Grant – Charles"

"Love is on the air, run for cover"

"The primary difference between a man and a woman is that man gets his self-esteem when a woman says yes and a women gets hers when she says no."

"Jeff Cesario — Priest"

"Julie Davis — Amy Mandell"

"You have a unique talent for having bad taste in men."

"I had a physical orgasm, but not a mental one, where you let someone inside and you really see yourself."

"[When asked what she fantasizes about sexually] The thought of seducing a celibate man away from his allegiance to God."

"[a talk-show host accuses Amy of being a lesbian due to her bad opinions on men] I don't think I'm a lesbian because when I fantasize, I fantasize about sucking dick."

"Julie Bowen — Nikki"

"Amanda Bynes – Viola"

"Robert Torti – Coach Pistonek"

"Lynda Boyd – Cheryl"

"Clifton Murray – Andrew"

"Brandon Jay McLaren – Toby"

"David Cross – Principal Horatio Gold"

"Vinnie Jones – Coach Dinklage"

"Jessica Lucas – Yvonne"

"Amanda Crew – Kia"