"[narrating] When I was growing up, I knew I was different. The other girls were blonde and delicate. And I was a swarthy six-year-old with sideburns."

"[After Nick accidentally hears his name called] No, my Nikki. She was supposed to come over and curl my hair."

"[To Gus and Maria] Woe to me, business is bad."

"[Telling Ian's Family] Look, this is what we do. The parents, they give a gift."

"[Watching Ian dance at the reception] Oh, Taki... he looks Greek."

"Toula. Toula! You're engaged! You're engaged-We never think this would happen for you-Never! Never. Taki, didn't we say that..?"

"[to Ian's parents] Now, you are family. Okay. All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always, a lump. Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger from the "hormonees." It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio... the b... the... the bios... the... b... the "bobopsy." Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal column. Yes. Inside the lump was my twin. [Ian's parents are horrified. Voula grabs a drink and toasts.] Opa!!"

"[upon learning Ian is a vegetarian] What do you mean, he don't eat no meat? [The entire room stops, in shock. We hear plates break and there are gasps.] ...That's okay, that's okay. I make lamb."

"[after her daughter Nikki behaves rudely] Skase! Be a lady!"

"Tell me what to say. But don't tell me what to say."

"Bess Meisler as Yiayia"

"Stavroula Logothettis as Athena"

"Louis Mandylor as Niko "Nick" Portokalos"

"Andrea Martin as Aunt Voula"

"Lainie Kazan as Maria Portokalos"

"Michael Constantine as Kostas "Gus" Portokalos"

"John Corbett as Ian Miller"

"Nia Vardalos as Toula Portokalos"

"Nick: I've never seen my sister this happy, Ian. [serious] If you hurt her, I'll kill you and make it look like an accident."

"Greek School Teacher: Ο Νίκος έχει ένα κατσίκι. (Nikos has one goat.)"

"[to Toula] I gave you life so that you could live it."

"[after Athena offers to buy her some new pantyhose] No queen size, they make me look fat."

"[to young Nick] Niko! Don't play with your food! When I was your age, we didn't have food!"

"[To Maria and Toula] It is mistake to educate women but, nobody listen to me cause now we have a boyfriend in the house! Is he nice Greek boy? Oh no no Greek! No Greek xeno! Xeno with the long hair on top of his head!"

"[at the wedding reception] Hello. Welcome to the Portokalos family and welcome the-the Miller family. I-I was thinking last night, um, the night before my-my daughter was gonna marry, uh, I-an Miller, that, um, you know, the root of the word Miller is a Greek word. Miller come from the Greek word "milo", which is mean apple, there you go. As many of you know, our name Portokalos is come from the Greek word "portokali", which means orange. So, okay, here tonight we have, uh, apple and orange... we all different, but, in the end, we all fruit."

"[to Ian's parents] Welcome to my home. Over here is my brother, Ted, and his wife, Melissa, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Over here, my brother Tommy, his wife Angie, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. And here, my brother George, his wife Freda, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Taki, Sophie, Kari, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, uh, Nikki, and I am Gus."

"Toula, there's two kinds of people: Greeks and everybody else who wish they were Greeks."

"If you take your nose out of the air for one second you'll see that you're designer, I'm vintage. You've got a mansion, I've got a five floor walkup. You're snotty little miss cranky pants and I go with the flow, so why would you ever think for one second that I'd ever have the same taste in guys? So here's a little pointer for you. Get over yourself and stop trying to be my daddy's little girl because I'm not going anywhere."

"Christina Cole - Clarissa Payne"

"Anna Chancellor - Glynnis Payne"

"Kelly Preston - Libby Reynolds"

"Oliver James - Ian Wallace"

"Colin Firth - Henry Dashwood"

"Amanda Bynes - Daphne Reynolds"

"[to Daphne] No hugging, dear. I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses."

"[to Daphne] Everybody's rooting for you to fail. That's what makes it fun."

"Seems you had a better time in Morocco than you let on"

"[after Daphne walks out in fashion show] Holy poo on toast."

"Oh, very you, lovely. So Henry asked us to give you a few pointers, didn't he? Well, pointer number 1: go home. Mother and I belong here and it's quite clear you just don't fit in. And pointer number 2: while you're packing, keep your grimy little Yankee paws off Armistead Stuart, he's mine."

"Maybe someone should've put a cork in it seventeen years ago."

"That girl is totally barbaric!"

"(Joking) Eloping together. Yeah. I realize it's a bit sudden but after last night, there was really no turning back."

"You know, just another one of my glamorous jobs."

"Why do you try so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?"

"No, in Clarissa's case it's more like an intercontinental ballistic missile."

"For me, it's just a stop on the campaign trail, and for Glynnis it's a chance to launch Clarissa on society."

"I'm not explaining this very well, am I?"

"You like Co-co Pops?"

"Remember when I told you how groovy I used to be?"

"I think I owe you a rather large apology."