"[Joe falls off a swing] And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feelin' that Brandy was lookin' up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown."

"My name is Joe Dirté. I added an e to the end, 'cause it sounds cool."

"[Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch] Now, this ain't no flapjack. I'll go real easy. I won't look."

"[puts up fists] You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mic right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin' and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?"

"Right on! You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt."

"Ya gotta keep on, keepin' on."

"Say it, don't spray it brother. Dang!"

"It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole."

"You like to see homos naked?"

"I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin' for my parents."

"Life's a garden. Dig it!"

"I'm a rocker, dude, through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep..."

"Things are gonna happen for me. I'm Joe Dirt!"

"My food is created to nourish the soul, okay? I haven't used pork since Thelma was on Good Times about to marry Ibe, the African prince and I said, "No, no, no, I'm waiting on my African prince to be my baby's daddy, so I stopped use pork, because I started using chicken broth! So I don't know what you're talking about." See what I cook is much healthier than that *bird* stuff Alfred is cookin' for him!""

"Dennis Rodman - himself, cameo"

"Heavy D - himself, cameo"

"Leon Robinson - himself, cameo"

"Howard Hewett - himself, cameo"

"LL Cool J as himself, cameo"

"Rudy Ray Moore - Nate"

"Faizon Love - Tiger J"

"Bernie Mac - Mr. Johnson"

"A.J. Johnson - James"

"Pierre Edwards - Ali"

"Jonathan Fried - Isaac"

"Luigi Amodeo - Antonio"

"Troy Byer - Tracy Shaw"

"Natalie Desselle-Reid - Tamika “Mickey”"

"Ian Richardson - Mr. Manley"

"Martin Landau - Mr. Donald Blakemore"

"Halle Berry - Denise “Nisi”"

"...A-re-ah-der-chee to you too... and some mozzerella and fettichinni... Hell yea!"

"[after subduing a group of terrorists] I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!"

"O. J. Simpson as Det. Nordberg"

"George Kennedy as Capt. Ed Hocken"

"Ricardo Montalbán as Vincent Ludwig"

"Priscilla Presley as Jane Spencer"

"Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin"

"It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano. Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

"My name is Sgt. Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad."

"[to George] That's bad, man! You're lookin' good! Now here, take this radio. When you step out of here, step out like King Shit. You bad! Put that radio to your ear. That's gonna help cover your face. Just move with the rhythm of the music. Move your body with the rhythm of the music. That's all you gotta remember, okay? Let me see you try it. Step to the music. Step to the music. Yeah. Step to the music. Stop. How come you whiteys got such a tight ass, man? How are you gonna walk outta here with a tan face and that white walk? Just get into the music. Come on, George. Loosen up. Listen to the beat. Let your feet move. Now, do it! Can't you feel it? The tempo's right here. Right in there. That's all you gotta do. Yeah, now try it! Don't you feel it? Yeah. Needs work, George. Needs a lot of work. You know that? Will you practice? Man, you gotta practice, but let it be loose! Listen to the music. Follow the beat. Hear?"