"Regulators, we regulate any stealing of his property and we damn good too. But you can't be any geek off the street, gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!"

"Papers can't do anything right."

"REGULATORS, MOUNT UP!"

"Hey Colonel shit head, you can kiss my ass!""

"Reap it, Murphy, you son of a bitch."

"You know, Sir, I do admire you, and I sure would like to touch the gun that's gonna kill Billy the Kid."

"If we're caught, we're gonna hang... But there's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip."

"Reap the whirlwind, Sheriff Brady. Reap it."

"[v.o.] I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear [sic] weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it."

"Leonard: If we don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how."

"Snake: [to the Russians] If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head."

"Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms."

"Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... jumped on me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny."

"[After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn."

"Snake: [to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead."

"[Opening the movie] God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you." [eats a Frito] In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami. [picks up another] You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. [eats it] Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you."

"[Trapped on a delayed plane with idiotic sports fans after a surreal day in Miami] I really feel like killing somebody."

"Was that a goat?!"

"[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef."

"[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] Moron #2 just got Moron #1 all wet."

"I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television."

"[Whilst pointing a gun at three thugs who walk towards him while he is speaking to his employer on the phone] Not right now, okay?"

"Make her stop! God in heaven, make her stop! SHE WANTS MY SOUL!!!"

"I need a missile."

"[to his boss] Morning, douchebag."

"Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes."

"[v.o.] What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos."

"[v.o.] Arthur Herk: one of the few Floridians who was not confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan."

"[v.o.] We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning."

"G. Gordon Liddy: [Surprised by Betsy and Arlene in the Watergate stairwell] Children! Running around, all hours of the night! When you kids grow up, you'll be living in the Soviet Union of America!"

"Saul Rubinek - Henry Kissinger"

"Harry Shearer - G. Gordon Liddy"

"Ana Gasteyer - Rose Mary Woods"

"Jim Breuer - John Dean"

"Dave Foley - Bob Haldeman"

"Teri Garr - Helen Lorenzo"

"Bruce McCulloch - Carl Bernstein"

"Will Ferrell - Bob Woodward"

"Dan Hedaya - President Richard M. Nixon ('Dick')"

"Michelle Williams - Arlene Lorenzo"

"Kirsten Dunst - Betsy Jobs"

"The unmaking of the president"

"He was tricky. They were better."