"It's alright, gentlemen. I'm familiar with these two young ladies. Well, not "familiar", familiar, obviously. I mean, I know them. We discussed foreign policy. [A secret service agent rolls his eyes knowingly] Don't you give me that look!"

"Excuse me, Mr. President. I was not informed that you were in the middle of... what the hell ARE you in the middle of?"

"Dick is going down, man!"

"What about that list from CREEP? How could you let your dog eat it?! [Hysterical] You're ruining my life!!!"

"You don't mess with the big boys!!"

"I've got a way with young people. They trust me."

"Checkers - shut up! Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!"

"[After seeing Nixon's "I am not a crook" speech immediately after a threatening call] He's trying to drive me insane!"

"[Being followed by the President's 'plumbers'] Dick frightens me."

"I love Dick!"

"We have a very important school report on turquoise jewelry due in two days, and we can't find any books on it, and the President's having us followed. It's too much pressure."

"War is not healthy for children and other living things. [quoting a popular anti-Vietnam War protest slogan, originally created by poster artist Lorraine Schneider]"

"It's called incest, Arlene, and it's against the law."

"[Shouting, to Arlene] You can't let Dick control your life!"

"[To Richard Nixon] You kicked Checkers, you're prejudiced, and you have a potty mouth!"

"What's the story here? I'm a white trash idiot - the end."

"Blake Clark - Farmer Fran"

"Brian Thompson - Buffalo Bob"

"Fred Ward - Mr. Nunamaker"

"Caroline Aaron - Mrs. Nunamaker"

"Megan Harvey - Joe's little sister"

"Joe Don Baker - Don, Brandy's father"

"Rosanna Arquette - Charlene"

"Kid Rock - Robby"

"Jaime Pressly - Jill"

"Christopher Walken - Anthony Benedetti/Clem Doore/Gert B. Frobe"

"Adam Beach - Kickin' Wing"

"Dennis Miller - Zander Kelly"

"Brittany Daniel - Brandy"

"David Spade - Joseph "Joe" Dirt (né Nunamaker)"

"Clem: [talking to fire extinguisher] You're talkin' to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!"

"Kickin’ Wing: You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era. That stuff doesn't work anymore."

"IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."

"Oh for christ sakes, HERE! [sends AutoTrader down well]"

"It puts the lotion on its skin! You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!"

"It does what it's told."

"Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe."

"Why have you got a wig? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?"

"God Almighty, manna from inbred heaven. Hey freak boy: 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back."

"Now, you're tellin' me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?"

"I don't care about this, and I don't care about these! And I hope I never see you again for the next twenty-five years!"

"You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?"

"My face and your ass... I mean, your ass and my face."

"I'm puttin' the lotion on the skin!"