"Haru, you are truly the Great White Ninja. (Finds out henchmen heard him say that) Did I say "ninja"? I meant "ninny." "Haru, you are such a ninny.""

"Nice jacket, who shot the couch? (Laughter)"

"I have traveled many miles and now have come disguised as a pimp to help you."

"I am the great white ninja."

"The Fastest Hands In The East Meet The Biggest Mouth In The West."

"Pals Forever. If they can get past today."

"Yang Lin as Consul Secretary"

"Chris Penn as Clive"

"Julia Hsu as Soo Yung"

"Tzi Ma as Consul Han"

"Tom Wilkinson as Griffin / Juntao"

"Chris Tucker as Detective James Carter"

"Jackie Chan as Chief Inspector Lee"

"They come from different cultures. But on a case this big, they speak the same language."

"Nothing worse than going to the back room for some condiments and ending up staring at a huge, steamy pile of cock. [Shudders]"

"It's good in a sense that I can take walks in my underwear; I can give small children the middle finger. But as long as I look happy while I'm doing it, people just assume I'm senile.... Well, sometimes I give small children the middle finger and don't realize I'm doing it until someone slaps me, so I really am going senile."

"I think I might name my daughter after chlamydia."

"Well, I want a hot pink center."

"I don't mean to be a bitch, but the last four times we've come here the food was awful."

"I want a single shot of whisky, and a double shot of whisky, and she'll have water. You know, what the hell. It's our anniversary. Would you bring her a Pepsi?"

"This is an exploding offer!"

"And remember: the difference between ordinary and extraordinary... is that little something extra. Alright, that's all I have for you. Have a great shift. Oh, and, uh, push the fish, it's about to turn."

"Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was overcooked, but did you have to eat it all BEFORE you complained about it?"

"Okay, Nicholas, Theodore. Boys. It doesn't take ten minutes to take out the trash. Now, if you don't get your asses out front and start doing some work, I'm going to fire you faster than you can say, "Yo, MTV Raps"!"

"Look at the bat-wing, bitch!"

"Well, it's official now. My penis is just for show."

"Stop staring at my dick!"

"You can't forget this, all right? You got to call them a fag, okay? The game loses all its meaning if you don't humilate them for being a fucking meatgazer, you got that?"

"Oohh, it's so veiny!"

"And that is the Lincoln. Now remember you have to shave it so it looks like a beard or it doesn't count."

"I can't believe how many homos we got workin' in here!"

"If it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes."