"Gary Delaney: "Next on BBC Two, Dara Ó Briain is back as the host of the quickfire topical panel show for Chinese cannibals who eat the shy. It's Wok the Meek. ...if you could hear the footsteps going all round the houses to get to that one!""

"Jack Dee: "Belinda made her parents vexed for all she ever did was text...""

"Jack Dee: "'I see dead people!' claimed young Cole, which made his mother drop her bowl...""

"Barry Cryer: "Who Dost Thou Think Thou Art?""

"Tony Hawks: "Victorian Derbyshire.""

"Jack Dee: "Though often warned, a boy called Rex still tampered with electric flex...""

"Pippa Evans: "On ITV at eight o'clock, mystery guests sing songs while wearing elaborate masks, before a celebrity jury attempts to guess which is the least attractive. That's The Masked Minger at eight o'clock.""

"Tony Hawks: "Next on ITV a new game show, giving contestants a chance to win an any of an amazing selection of panty liners. That's The Sale of the Sanitary, next.""

"Barry Cryer: "Dad's Armada.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Orange is the New Black Death.""

"Rory Bremner: "Later on Radio 4, a new series in which Kirsty Lang travels to each region of the UK in an attempt to find the country's finest sperm bank. That's Round Britain Jizz, this Friday at 11.30.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, Chris Hemsworth is back in the Marvel crossover that's also a sequel to Frozen - Thaw.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Georgian Mildred.""

"Tony Hawks: "Coming up next on BBC One, the crime drama set on a well-known Scottish archipelago, now sadly polluted by sewage discharge. That's Shitland, tonight at nine.""

"Tony Hawks: "A fantasy epic on BBC now, with a tale spanning multiple worlds, in which a threatening godlike figure suffers several bouts of sexually transmitted infections. That's His Dark Venereals on BBC Three.""

"Jack Dee: "The infant Mike had such bad genes, he lived on top shelf magazines...""

"Andy Hamilton: "C.S.I. Troy.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, it's the crossover you never knew you needed - Ocean's Eleven meets Radio 4, but controversy strikes as the charismatic lead is replaced by Jack Dee in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clooney.""

"Stephen Fry: "And tomorrow on Radio 4, Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm asks 'can owning a sheepdog cure depression?' That's Mel and Collie, later on Radio 4.""

"Pippa Evans: "Richard Hammond travels round Britain to celebrate our seaside towns. That's Top Pier.""

"Graeme Garden: "Who Do You Think Thou Art?""

"Barry Cryer: "There's Something About Mary.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later on Radio 4, Bear Grylls recounts the story of the large shrimp that accidentally attached itself to his private parts. That's Bear Grylls' Prawn Cocktail, tonight at 10.15.""

"Stephen Fry: "And talking of piers, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins visit Oxford to examine the Reverend Spooner's passion for the repair and maintenance of the city's traditional watercraft. That's Care of Punts, coming soon.""

"Pippa Evans: "At 7pm tonight, tiny insects discuss fashion accessories. That's Fleabag on BBC Two"."

"Stephen Fry: "Later on Radio 4 we explore a prominent psychologist's take on the phallic nature of London's tallest building. That's Shard and Freud, later on Radio 4.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up this evening, Ben Fogle takes his fossil hammer to Dorset's Jurassic coast on a hunt for the perfect ammonite. That's Cracking One Out with Ben Fogle, later this evening.""

"Graeme Garden: "Caspar the Friendly King.""

"Graeme Garden: "Wish You Were Herod.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "After the break, Ben Fogle travels to Australia to discover if there's any truth at all in the legend of the twenty foot crocodile roaming Darwin's sewers. That's Ben Fogle and the Giant Croc of Shit, after the break.""

"Miles Jupp: "Tonight's concert on Radio 3 features a group of amateur musicians who are all serving police officers, the London Occasional Law Officers' Light Orchestra, so tonight at eight don't miss music from LOLOLO." ("'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello.")"

"Richard Osman: "On E4 now, the dating show where IT professionals have to win a date and then immediately get dumped in Try Turning It On and Off Again.""

"Barry Cryer: "Midsomer Myrrh.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "In The Life Scientific, Jim Al-Khalili talks to professor James Long about his groundbreaking work analysing personality traits from peoples' urine samples. That's Taking the Piss, this Wednesday.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tune in for the new quiz with Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, and all the contestants go commando. That's Pantless, today at five.""

"Tony Hawks: "Who Wants To Be a Legionnaire?""

"Barry Cryer: "The Only Way is Wessex.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later tonight on the BBC at 9 o'clock, a documentary about the time that Parliament was disrupted by a runaway elk that turned out to be promiscuous. That is There's a Moose Loose About This Hoose.""

"Stephen Fry: "Meanwhile on BBC One, Charlie Dimmock takes command of a squad of Coldstream Guards as they completely returf an entire rugby pitch in time for their crunch match against the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. That's Sod This for a Game of Soldiers.""

"Graeme Garden: "Dial M for Myrrh.""

"Richard Osman: "And on Channel 4 now, a documentary entirely made up of short bits of footage of cardiac surgery in Totally Clips of the Heart.""

"Jack Dee: "'I think I shall try six', said Fred, 'electric blankets on my bed'...""

"Rob Brydon: "Join us in the tent as Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc develop severe bronchitis in The Great British Bad Cough.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Three, veteran comedian and ladies' man Barry Cryer hosts a dating and makeover series specifically targeted at the over-eighties. That's Snog Barry Avoid?""

"Graeme Garden: "Maternity Makeover with Trinny and Hosanna.""

"Barry Cryer: "Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.""