"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "After the break, Ben Fogle travels to Australia to discover if there's any truth at all in the legend of the twenty foot crocodile roaming Darwin's sewers. That's Ben Fogle and the Giant Croc of Shit, after the break.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later on Radio 4, Bear Grylls recounts the story of the large shrimp that accidentally attached itself to his private parts. That's Bear Grylls' Prawn Cocktail, tonight at 10.15.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Glyndebourne Supremacy.""

"Graeme Garden: "Merthyr, She Wrote.""

"Stephen Fry: "Later on Radio 4 we explore a prominent psychologist's take on the phallic nature of London's tallest building. That's Shard and Freud, later on Radio 4.""

"Stephen Fry: "And tomorrow on Radio 4, Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm asks 'can owning a sheepdog cure depression?' That's Mel and Collie, later on Radio 4.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tune in for the new quiz with Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, and all the contestants go commando. That's Pantless, today at five.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later tonight on the BBC at 9 o'clock, a documentary about the time that Parliament was disrupted by a runaway elk that turned out to be promiscuous. That is There's a Moose Loose About This Hoose.""

"Pippa Evans: "Richard Hammond travels round Britain to celebrate our seaside towns. That's Top Pier.""

"Tony Hawks: "Au-pair Winfrey.""

"Barry Cryer: "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clwyd.""

"Pippa Evans: "At 7pm tonight, tiny insects discuss fashion accessories. That's Fleabag on BBC Two"."

"Richard Osman: "And on Channel 4 now, a documentary entirely made up of short bits of footage of cardiac surgery in Totally Clips of the Heart.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "In The Life Scientific, Jim Al-Khalili talks to professor James Long about his groundbreaking work analysing personality traits from peoples' urine samples. That's Taking the Piss, this Wednesday.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Meet the Osbornes.""

"Tony Hawks: "Only Fools on Horses.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Four, we look at the intriguing case of how one of Britain's favourite comedians won planning permission to build his new house next to a cemetery. That's Let Bygraves Be By Graves, later on BBC Four.""

"Miles Jupp: "Tonight's concert on Radio 3 features a group of amateur musicians who are all serving police officers, the London Occasional Law Officers' Light Orchestra, so tonight at eight don't miss music from LOLOLO." ("'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello.")"

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dancing on Eisteddfod.""

"Richard Osman: "Next on BBC One, what happens when a leading chemist opens two branches in the same Surrey town in These Boots Are Made For Woking?""

"Richard Osman: "On E4 now, the dating show where IT professionals have to win a date and then immediately get dumped in Try Turning It On and Off Again.""

"Stephen Fry: "And talking of piers, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins visit Oxford to examine the Reverend Spooner's passion for the repair and maintenance of the city's traditional watercraft. That's Care of Punts, coming soon.""

"Barry Cryer: "Toff Gear.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tonight, Rick Stein travels to France to examine why the British are so squeamish about some traditional French cooking. That's Rick Stein in Horses for Courses.""

"Rob Brydon: "A maverick detective investigates the mystery of how to give your back a good old scrub in the bathtub. That's Idris Elba in Loofah.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "And later on Channel 4, we ask whether newspapers really are tomorrow's fish and chip paper. That's A Plaice in The Sun at eight o'clock.""

"Tony Hawks: "Fox News.""

"Barry Cryer: "Head Gardeners' Question Time.""

"Barry Cryer: "Ten thirty tonight on BBC One, Graham Norton interviews Jerry Hall about her relationship with Rupert Murdoch. That's Jerry and the Pacemaker.""

"Rob Brydon: "Join us in the tent as Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc develop severe bronchitis in The Great British Bad Cough.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Later on Radio 4, Evan Davis relives the trauma of seeing his plumber bend down to look under his sink. That's The Bottom Line at half past four.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On BBC tonight we see the working life of Jack Dee in Live at the Apollo, Big Brother, Shooting Stars, The Apprentice: You're Fired! and many more in Jack of All Trades, Master of Them All.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Three, veteran comedian and ladies' man Barry Cryer hosts a dating and makeover series specifically targeted at the over-eighties. That's Snog Barry Avoid?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Second Homes Under the Hammer.""

"Tony Hawks: "Never Mind the Peacocks.""

"Rob Brydon: "A group of Boy Scouts take charge of a rural parish. That's The Vicar of Dyb-Dyb-Dybley on BBC One.""

"Rob Brydon: "Well, Jamie Oliver goes to an inner city hospital to eat baked beans on toast in front of the telly. That's Casual Tea, on BBC One.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Later on Channel 4, Gordon Ramsay talks about his love of cute feline-themed pyjamas in Gordon's Kitten Nightwear."

"Barry Cryer: "On Radio 4 tomorrow morning at nine forty-five, Brian Blessed reads from his audiobook. That's Prick Up Your Ears, nine forty-five." (Jack: "Thank you, Barry, that was lovely...")"

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Channel 5 this evening, a documentary on children who've had bad family experiences in Bob's Your Uncle.""

"Barry Cryer: "Birds of a Feather... Bang!""

"Rob Brydon: "News at Tenby.""

"John Finnemore: "Ryanair - You knew what you were getting into!""

"Rob Brydon: "A town on the northern banks of the Mersey decides to stop talking and stop making noise while they carry out forensic pathology. That's Silent Widnes, tonight on BBC One.""

"Barry Cryer: "On ITV tonight, Beyoncé shows us round the stately home she's just bought. That's Beyoncé Castle, tonight on ITV.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "My Name is Earl.""

"Stephen Fry: "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Room.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up this evening, Ben Fogle takes his fossil hammer to Dorset's Jurassic coast on a hunt for the perfect ammonite. That's Cracking One Out with Ben Fogle, later this evening.""

"Graeme Garden: "At ten o'clock, we trace the England team's track record in the soccer World Cup since 1966. That's Lost on Channel 4."

"Graeme Garden: "Channel 4 presents an award-winning documentary about the late Mrs. Simpson, Duchess of Windsor, and her life-long struggle with seasickness. That's Wallis and Vomit, tonight at nine.""