"Tony Hawks: "A fantasy epic on BBC now, with a tale spanning multiple worlds, in which a threatening godlike figure suffers several bouts of sexually transmitted infections. That's His Dark Venereals on BBC Three.""

"Jack Dee: "Though often warned, a boy called Rex still tampered with electric flex...""

"Pippa Evans: "On ITV at eight o'clock, mystery guests sing songs while wearing elaborate masks, before a celebrity jury attempts to guess which is the least attractive. That's The Masked Minger at eight o'clock.""

"Tony Hawks: "Next on ITV a new game show, giving contestants a chance to win an any of an amazing selection of panty liners. That's The Sale of the Sanitary, next.""

"Jack Dee: "One day a small girl called Sophia climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Miles Jupp: "Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Bradman!" (Jack: "Well, it could have been "Batman", really, couldn't it?")"

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're Sorry But One Absolutely Hasn't a Clue.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, Chris Hemsworth is back in the Marvel crossover that's also a sequel to Frozen - Thaw.""

"Stephen Fry: "Meanwhile on BBC One, Charlie Dimmock takes command of a squad of Coldstream Guards as they completely returf an entire rugby pitch in time for their crunch match against the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. That's Sod This for a Game of Soldiers.""

"Tony Hawks: "Coming up next on BBC One, the crime drama set on a well-known Scottish archipelago, now sadly polluted by sewage discharge. That's Shitland, tonight at nine.""

"Lucy Porter: "Aggers-do-do-do, push pineapple shake the tree...""

"Miles Jupp: "Get your box off, get your box off honey.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up this evening, Ben Fogle takes his fossil hammer to Dorset's Jurassic coast on a hunt for the perfect ammonite. That's Cracking One Out with Ben Fogle, later this evening.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, it's the crossover you never knew you needed - Ocean's Eleven meets Radio 4, but controversy strikes as the charismatic lead is replaced by Jack Dee in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clooney.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Last of the Châteauneuf-du-Pape.""

"Pippa Evans: "Richard Hammond travels round Britain to celebrate our seaside towns. That's Top Pier.""

"Rory Bremner: "Later on Radio 4, a new series in which Kirsty Lang travels to each region of the UK in an attempt to find the country's finest sperm bank. That's Round Britain Jizz, this Friday at 11.30.""

"Jack Dee: "In spite of warnings, little Stu would taunt the lions in the zoo...""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "It's Live and Leg Bye""

"Stephen Fry: "And talking of piers, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins visit Oxford to examine the Reverend Spooner's passion for the repair and maintenance of the city's traditional watercraft. That's Care of Punts, coming soon.""

"Pippa Evans: "At 7pm tonight, tiny insects discuss fashion accessories. That's Fleabag on BBC Two"."

"Stephen Fry: "Later on Radio 4 we explore a prominent psychologist's take on the phallic nature of London's tallest building. That's Shard and Freud, later on Radio 4.""

"Miles Jupp: "We Don't Have to Take Gower's Clothes Off to have a good time""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Amazing W.G. Grace""

"Miles Jupp: "Later tonight on the BBC at 9 o'clock, a documentary about the time that Parliament was disrupted by a runaway elk that turned out to be promiscuous. That is There's a Moose Loose About This Hoose.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "After the break, Ben Fogle travels to Australia to discover if there's any truth at all in the legend of the twenty foot crocodile roaming Darwin's sewers. That's Ben Fogle and the Giant Croc of Shit, after the break.""

"Miles Jupp: "Tonight's concert on Radio 3 features a group of amateur musicians who are all serving police officers, the London Occasional Law Officers' Light Orchestra, so tonight at eight don't miss music from LOLOLO." ("'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello.")"

"Richard Osman: "On E4 now, the dating show where IT professionals have to win a date and then immediately get dumped in Try Turning It On and Off Again.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later on Radio 4, Bear Grylls recounts the story of the large shrimp that accidentally attached itself to his private parts. That's Bear Grylls' Prawn Cocktail, tonight at 10.15.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "She's an Easy Cover""

"Miles Jupp: "I'm Vaughny, Vaughny-Vaughny-Vaughny""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tune in for the new quiz with Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, and all the contestants go commando. That's Pantless, today at five.""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tonight, Rick Stein travels to France to examine why the British are so squeamish about some traditional French cooking. That's Rick Stein in Horses for Courses.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Four, we look at the intriguing case of how one of Britain's favourite comedians won planning permission to build his new house next to a cemetery. That's Let Bygraves Be By Graves, later on BBC Four.""

"Tony Hawks: "Victorian Derbyshire.""

"Richard Osman: "And on Channel 4 now, a documentary entirely made up of short bits of footage of cardiac surgery in Totally Clips of the Heart.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "It's been seven hours and sixteen days...""

"Harry Enfield: "I got 99 Problems but my pitch ain't one.""

"Tony Hawks: "Upstairs.""

"Tony Hawks: "Ferrero Rocher - They're the dogs' bollocks!""

"Sandi Toksvig: "In The Life Scientific, Jim Al-Khalili talks to professor James Long about his groundbreaking work analysing personality traits from peoples' urine samples. That's Taking the Piss, this Wednesday.""

"Stephen Fry: "And tomorrow on Radio 4, Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm asks 'can owning a sheepdog cure depression?' That's Mel and Collie, later on Radio 4.""

"Jack Dee: "A naughty little lad called Dave would hide inside the microwave...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dancing on Eisteddfod.""

"Rob Brydon: "A group of Boy Scouts take charge of a rural parish. That's The Vicar of Dyb-Dyb-Dybley on BBC One.""

"Barry Cryer: "Ten thirty tonight on BBC One, Graham Norton interviews Jerry Hall about her relationship with Rupert Murdoch. That's Jerry and the Pacemaker.""

"Lucy Porter: "Benaud, is it me you're looking for?""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "My Stumps, My Stumps, My lovely lady stumps.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On BBC tonight we see the working life of Jack Dee in Live at the Apollo, Big Brother, Shooting Stars, The Apprentice: You're Fired! and many more in Jack of All Trades, Master of Them All.""