"Backing will be provided, as ever, by Colin Sell at the piano. Actually, we were interested to hear that Colin has recently been enjoying himself in the brass section. The manageress at Dorothy Perkin's says if she catches him in there again, she'll call the police."

"Jeremy Hardy: "Dial "M" for Customer Services.""

"Now listeners will be surprised to hear that pop legend Cliff Richard once insisted that Colin played in The Shadows... but then, he's not a pretty sight in broad daylight."

"Jeremy Hardy: "Being John Craven.""

"We've asked Colin Sell to provide piano accompaniment. Colin was telling us that he recently wrote a Horn Concerto for two Cornets. The client was so impressed, he threw in a mivvi and a choc ice as well."

"Graeme Garden: "The Third Sense: I See Deaf People.""

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me the Head of...Oh, No; Here It Is!""

"Graeme Garden: "And for Jewish travellers, unleaded bread, and that's to celebrate the Feast of the Overpass.""

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who, we were interested to learn, was spotted back in 1969 playing with The Stones in Hyde Park. The keeper said if he caught Colin throwing them at the ducks again, he'd call the police."

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Jellied wheels.""

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Co...[chokes] ... see, I even choke on the name!"

"Barry Cryer: "Coq au white van.""

"... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!"

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Roof rack of lamb.""

"Graeme Garden: "And those who enjoy Korean cooking, there's Rover.""

"Graeme Garden: "Spaghetti carburettor.""

"Jack Dee: "Listeners will be interested to hear that Colin recently picked up a Grammy, but she started to scream so he had to put her down again.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Chili con car-key.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Carparkio of beef.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "De-icer cream.""

""Dear Ned, I'm on the train!"

"Barry Cryer: "Mange toot-toot.""

"Barry Cryer: "Shakespeare in Hove.""

"Barry Cryer: "A full-bodied 69, you can keep your macon"."

"A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing."

"Andy Hamilton: "Toad in the hole. Then out of the hole, then in the hole, then out of the hole...""

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A nice alternative to caesar salad is caesar melons!""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. President: What were the chances of someone called Mr. President actually getting that job? Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Love your butter.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Coq in a vin.""

"Jack Dee: "Aberdeen Angus underbelly with wild salmon top, after which you could have a sorbet.""

"I am assured that piano accompaniment is required for this round, and it appears that Colin Sell is unexpectedly available to provide it. You know that whenever musicians hear that Colin's working with us, they're always very keen for news of the old maestro... well, sadly, it's failed it's M.O.T. again, so he's had to come on his bike."

"Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Barry Cryer: "Night Nurse on Elm Street.""

"Well as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair..."

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Chicken in a gasket.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Guinness Book of World Records: I have a collection of six Guinness Book of World Records. Is this the Guinness Book of World Records record for Guinness Book of World Records? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Graeme Garden: "And there's Antony Worrall Thompson's crabs on ginger nuts!""

"Graeme Garden: "Edward Fingerhands.""

"(After Jeremy Hardy has sung in a round of Pick up Song) "That wasn't even the same track. That went off very well. Let's move on. Something wrong there. Oh hang on. That went off. Very well, let's move on.""

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"Graeme Garden: "Gibbon's Decline & Fall of the Hackney Empire""

"Despite this only three expressions of Scottish derivation are in regular use: kilt, haggis, and Partick Thistle nil."

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "EM Forster's 'A Passage to Islington'""

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"Willie Rushton: (on James Bond books) "'Casino Royale' has now become 'Bingo with Princess Michael', 'Thunderball' is 'Drizzle Pillock', 'Dr. No' is 'First aid kit in the boot, possibly', and my favourite I think is 'Octopussy' has become 'Unipart'.""

"Graeme Garden: "The Chi-Hua-Hua of the Baskervilles""