"The round is called Karaoke Cokey, and it'll be led by Colin Sell at the piano. In fact, we heard from him earlier, singing 'You put your left leg in, You put your right leg in', and then realised he was reading from the instructions that came with his trousers."

"Rob Brydon: "She's very good with ice-cream dishes, I'd like to see her lick the nuts off a large Neapolitan!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "EM Forster's 'A Passage to Islington'""

"Willie Rushton: (on James Bond books) "'Casino Royale' has now become 'Bingo with Princess Michael', 'Thunderball' is 'Drizzle Pillock', 'Dr. No' is 'First aid kit in the boot, possibly', and my favourite I think is 'Octopussy' has become 'Unipart'.""

"Graeme Garden: "Gibbon's Decline & Fall of the Hackney Empire""

"Willie Rushton: "Tadpole Dundee""

"Graeme Garden: "The Chi-Hua-Hua of the Baskervilles""

"Barry Cryer: "The Condom of the Opera""

"Harry Enfield: "We'll send you a massive bill"

"Harry Enfield: "Come and buy a lovely vape"

"Lucy Porter: "No matter if you're on the dole"

"Miles Jupp: "Good news about your application"

"Rory Bremner: "Out of range the battery's dead"

"Tony Hawks: "We look at your rectal issues"

"Marcus Brigstocke: "About my trips I always crow"

"Graeme Garden: "Moby Doris""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "I don't know but I've been told"

"Rory Bremner: "We're the police force, we solve crime"

"Pippa Evans: "Standing watching all of you"

"Henning Wehn: "This is mostly crust!""

"Miles Jupp: "Oh, let's not be formal, just use your hands.""

"Adrian Edmondson: "Sorry, I started without you.""

"Gary Delaney: "Once on TV I was hot"

"Rachel Parris: "Shall I be mother?""

"Adrian Edmondson: "Smack the bottom really hard and see if anything comes out.""

"Miles Jupp: "I might just have to loosen my trousers and go for seconds.""

"Miles Jupp: "I've put some little bowls out so you can clean your fingers.""

"Adrian Edmondson: "If you don't eat it now, I'll just bring it out again at breakfast.""

"Henning Wehn: "Is service included?""

"We've asked Colin Sell to provide piano accompaniment. Colin was telling us that he recently wrote a Horn Concerto for two Cornets. The client was so impressed, he threw in a mivvi and a choc ice as well."

"Adrian Edmondson: "Ooh, what a lovely spread.""

"Pippa Evans: [Whispering throughout] "Gentle parenting's the way"

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Balshazzar's Sandwich""

"Rachel Parris: "Sorry, it's a bit dry.""

"Barry Cryer: "On ITV tonight, Beyoncé shows us round the stately home she's just bought. That's Beyoncé Castle, tonight on ITV.""

"Richard Osman: "Next on BBC One, what happens when a leading chemist opens two branches in the same Surrey town in These Boots Are Made For Woking?""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Three, veteran comedian and ladies' man Barry Cryer hosts a dating and makeover series specifically targeted at the over-eighties. That's Snog Barry Avoid?""

"Sandi Toksvig: "Tonight, Rick Stein travels to France to examine why the British are so squeamish about some traditional French cooking. That's Rick Stein in Horses for Courses.""

"Rob Brydon: "A maverick detective investigates the mystery of how to give your back a good old scrub in the bathtub. That's Idris Elba in Loofah.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "And later on Channel 4, we ask whether newspapers really are tomorrow's fish and chip paper. That's A Plaice in The Sun at eight o'clock.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Four, we look at the intriguing case of how one of Britain's favourite comedians won planning permission to build his new house next to a cemetery. That's Let Bygraves Be By Graves, later on BBC Four.""

"Rob Brydon: "Join us in the tent as Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc develop severe bronchitis in The Great British Bad Cough.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Later on Radio 4, Evan Davis relives the trauma of seeing his plumber bend down to look under his sink. That's The Bottom Line at half past four.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On BBC tonight we see the working life of Jack Dee in Live at the Apollo, Big Brother, Shooting Stars, The Apprentice: You're Fired! and many more in Jack of All Trades, Master of Them All.""