"The area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45 minute viewing of London and the Thames... as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, because some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way."

"Nottingham is also famous for its links with football, and Notts County is proud to be the oldest team in the English league...but they hope soon to buy some younger players."

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe."

"Leeds galleries and museums may contain countless priceless artefacts, but keen-eyed visitors may also find here certain curiosities of no financial value, remnants from a bye-gone age guaranteed to kill half an hour. Let's meet the teams."

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Melvyn Bragg: Do it in your own time. Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Shipping Forecast: I'm no prude, but why do doggers need to know which way the wind is blowing? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Guinness Book of World Records: I have a collection of six Guinness Book of World Records. Is this the Guinness Book of World Records record for Guinness Book of World Records? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Woman's Hour: Why waste money on baby-naming books when all the names you need can be found in the telephone directory? Yours, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Any chance of a signed photo for my grandson Dyno-Rod Emergency Hotline Trellis?""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Pick of the Week: I do wish you'd use your hankey. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Eddie Mair: Here's my favourite sound for your PM programme Listener's Favourite Sound feature - it's my radio off switch! *click* - Yours Silently, Mrs. Trellis.""

"During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. Cameron: I saw you on the telly alongside your new chum Nick. So that's what they mean by conservative with a little 'c'. Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Mrs. Clinton: I bet you get a card from your husband every year! Yours, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Ms. Toksvig: Here's one of my favourite cuttings, it's four miles of double-track just north of Crewe. Yours Truly, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. President: What were the chances of someone called Mr. President actually getting that job? Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Love your butter.""

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Jock: Isn't it disgraceful the way certain game shows rig their results by pretending to choose winners at random? Yours in disgust, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Send the book token to the usual address.""

"A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing."

"Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

""Dear Mr. Gadaffi, You must be very proud. It's not every duck that becomes President."

""Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips."

""Dear Mrs Lawley, Here's an idea: How about a celebrity version of 'Desert Island Disks'?"

"Lewis Carroll started his journeys to China from Sunderland. In fact, he thought of the title for 'Alice in Wonderland' when he thought of Sunderland and changed the first letter. Thank Goodness he wasn't traveling to Nanking."

"Dear Mrs McCartney: My, what a terrible mess. You must be kicking yourself."

"Dear Rolf, Here's a handy hint: When you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher."

"Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, Colin was telling us he once toured with Cardi B. Apparently, cardie "A" was at the dry cleaners.""

"Dear Dr. Clare, So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene."

"Jack Dee: "Listeners will be interested to hear that Colin recently picked up a Grammy, but she started to scream so he had to put her down again.""

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to know that Colin was once invited to produce albums for The Smiths in Manchester, before being headhunted by the Snappy Snaps in Wigan.""

"Jack Dee: "You may not realise it, but Colin is worshipped at the piano. Every time he comes on stage, people say 'Oh God, Colin Sell!'""

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to learn that Colin once worked with The Carpenters at the Royal Albert Hall... [audience laughter] ...I have got punchlines, please let me... And they haven't been able to shut the front door since!""

""Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?"

""But, I hear you ask, what possible use could there be for a dummy with two left hands? [significant pause] On the piano, Colin Sell!"

"... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Co...[chokes] ... see, I even choke on the name!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who, we were interested to learn, was spotted back in 1969 playing with The Stones in Hyde Park. The keeper said if he caught Colin throwing them at the ducks again, he'd call the police."

"Actually, we were all very impressed to learn that Colin once played alongside Roy Orbison. Orbison, of course, was nicknamed 'The Big O', and in turn, he affectionately referred to Colin as 'That Little C'..."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, a man who doesn't know the meaning of "disharmony". He also has problems with the words "stop", "that", "dreadful" and "racket"."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me that his musical influences are Middle-Eastern in origin... mostly Shi'ite!"

""Dear Ned, I'm on the train!"

"Musical accompaniment at the piano will be provided by Colin Sell. These days, we only really know Colin for his work at the piano, but as a young lad he cut his teeth on the harmonica... until his teacher explained that he wasn't supposed to chew it."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners will be impressed to learn that back in the 60's, Colin asked Mick Jagger and Keith Richard if he could take the place of Brian Jones. They said yes, and threw him in the swimming pool."

"We've asked Colin Sell to provide piano accompaniment. Colin was telling us that he recently wrote a Horn Concerto for two Cornets. The client was so impressed, he threw in a mivvi and a choc ice as well."

"Now listeners will be surprised to hear that pop legend Cliff Richard once insisted that Colin played in The Shadows... but then, he's not a pretty sight in broad daylight."