"I propose an Institute to investigate these strange happenings and to fight them. I would call it Torchwood. The Torchwood Institute. And if this Doctor should return, then he should beware... because Torchwood will be waiting."

"It's Torchwood. That's what did it. They give you Retcon, chemicals and radiation and god knows what. [..] That's what Torchwood does, you see...it ruins your life. And saves everyone else's"

"John Barrowman - Captain Jack Harkness"

"TARDIS - TARDIS Whooshing noise"

"Emma Chambers - Alice Tinker"

"Roger Lloyd Pack - Owen Newitt"

"Trevor Peacock - Jim Trott"

"Dawn French - Geraldine Granger"

"Gary Waldhorn - David Horton"

"James Fleet - Hugo Horton"

"John Bluthal - Frank Pickle"

"Liz Smith - Mrs Cropley"

"As the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny..."

"As the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the Crunchy Fruit and Nut muesli of destiny..."

"As the loose boweled pigeon to time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed mini-cab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity..."

"As the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles toward the abbetoir of destiny..."

"Well as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair..."

"As the frisky tomcat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity..."

"As the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity..."

"Jack Dee: "Crawley is often referred to as the Barcelona of West Sussex, mainly by people who've never been to Barcelona... or Crawley... or have never left their own house.""

"What happens in Manchester today happens in the rest of the world tomorrow. So listen up, rest of the world. Tomorrow, it's going to drizzle."

"Jack Dee: "Leeds was the birthplace of two of Britain's most venerable writers of comedy - Alan Bennett and our own Barry Cryer. Alan Bennett recently donated the entire collection of his writings to the nation. Barry considered doing the same but everyone convinced him he couldn't give his work away.""

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"Lewis Carroll started his journeys to China from Sunderland. In fact, he thought of the title for 'Alice in Wonderland' when he thought of Sunderland and changed the first letter. Thank Goodness he wasn't traveling to Nanking."

"During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters."

"As the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate..."

"Well with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake."

"It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe."

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"Nottingham is also famous for its links with football, and Notts County is proud to be the oldest team in the English league...but they hope soon to buy some younger players."

"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."

"Leeds galleries and museums may contain countless priceless artefacts, but keen-eyed visitors may also find here certain curiosities of no financial value, remnants from a bye-gone age guaranteed to kill half an hour. Let's meet the teams."

"Despite this only three expressions of Scottish derivation are in regular use: kilt, haggis, and Partick Thistle nil."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Shipping Forecast: I'm no prude, but why do doggers need to know which way the wind is blowing? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Eddie Mair: Here's my favourite sound for your PM programme Listener's Favourite Sound feature - it's my radio off switch! *click* - Yours Silently, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Pick of the Week: I do wish you'd use your hankey. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Guinness Book of World Records: I have a collection of six Guinness Book of World Records. Is this the Guinness Book of World Records record for Guinness Book of World Records? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Jock: Isn't it disgraceful the way certain game shows rig their results by pretending to choose winners at random? Yours in disgust, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Send the book token to the usual address.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Woman's Hour: Why waste money on baby-naming books when all the names you need can be found in the telephone directory? Yours, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Any chance of a signed photo for my grandson Dyno-Rod Emergency Hotline Trellis?""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Melvyn Bragg: Do it in your own time. Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"As the red red robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snow plough of destiny, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation..."

"The area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45 minute viewing of London and the Thames... as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, because some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way."

"Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January."

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. President: What were the chances of someone called Mr. President actually getting that job? Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Love your butter.""

"Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

"Dear Mrs McCartney: My, what a terrible mess. You must be kicking yourself."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Ms. Toksvig: Here's one of my favourite cuttings, it's four miles of double-track just north of Crewe. Yours Truly, Mrs. Trellis.""

"A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing."