431 quotes found
"God is a luxury I can't afford."
"One sin leads to a deeper sin."
"I remember my father telling me, "The eyes of God are on us always." The eyes of God. What a phrase to a young boy. What were God's eyes like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was just a coincidence that I made my specialty ophthalmology."
"Jack lives in the real world. You live in the kingdom of heaven. I'd managed to keep free of that real world, but suddenly it's found me."
"When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he really wants is to exchange fluids."
"Show business is, is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than dog-eat-dog. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's-phone-calls. You know, it's just terrible. Which reminds me, I should really check my service. I don't know why, I haven't had a message in seven years! You know, I call up and I hear the girls on the other end giggling."
"While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like."
"I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it."
"I don't know from suicide. Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide - they were too unhappy."
"What's the guy so upset about? You'd think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before."
"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
"A strange man defecated on my sister."
"Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, okay? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday."
"[after Levy's suicide] I got 600,000 feet of film on this guy. And he's telling how great life is and everything and now, you know. What am I gonna do? I'll cut it up and make it into guitar picks."
"We really do have to go. I have to get up at dawn and teach Emily Dickinson to a bunch of upper-middle class crack addicts."
"We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more."
"When we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom you were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted on us. So, love contains in it the contradiction, the attempts to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past."
"I've gone out the window."
"But we must always remember that when we are born we need a great deal of love in order to persuade us to stay in life. Once we get that love it usually lasts us. But the universe is a pretty cold place. It is we who invest it with our feelings. And under certain conditions, we feel the thing isn’t worth it any more."
"If it bends it's funny. If it breaks, it's not funny."
"Idea for a farce. A poor...loser does a documentary of a great man and in the process learns some deep values."
"I'll be honest. You're not my first choice."
"Comedy is tragedy plus time."
"Woody Allen - Clifford Stern"
"Martin Landau - Judah Rosenthal"
"Mia Farrow - Halley Reed"
"Alan Alda - Lester"
"Anjelica Huston - Dolores Paley"
"Sam Waterston - Ben"
"Jerry Orbach - Jack Rosenthal"
"Joanna Gleeson - Wendy Stern"
"[voiceover] "Chapter One. He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion." Uh, no, make that: "He-he . . . romanticized it all out of proportion." Yeah. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black-and-white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin." Uh, no let me start this over. "Chapter One. He was too romantic about Manhattan as he was about everything else. He thrived on the hustle bustle of the crowds and the traffic. To him, New York meant beautiful women and street-smart guys who seemed to know all the angles." Nah, corny, too corny for a man of my taste [He clears his throat.] Let me - let me try and make it more profound. "Chapter One. He adored New York City. To him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. The same lack of individual integrity that cause so many people to take the easy way out was rapidly turning the town of his dreams in-" No, it's gonna be too preachy. I mean, you know, let's face it, I wanna sell some books here. "Chapter One. He adored New York City, although to him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. How hard it was to exist in a society desensitized by drugs, loud music, television, crime, garbage." Too angry. I don't wanna be angry. "Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat." I love this. "New York was his town, and it always would be.""
"(Offscreen) An idea for a short story about um people in Manhattan who uh are constantly creating these real, uh, unnecessary, neurotic problems for themselves 'cause it keeps them from dealing with more unsolvable, terrifying problems about, uh, the universe. (The camera pulls back, revealing Ike, sprawled out on his couch, holding the recorder's microphone to his mouth. He continues to talk, fiddling with the microphone's wire as he thinks out loud.) (Into the microphone, sighing) Um, tsch-it's, uh . . . well, it has to be optimistic. Well, alright, why is life worth living? That's a very good question. (Sighing) Um. (Clearing his throat, then sighing again) Well, there are certain things I-I guess that make it worthwhile. (Sighing) Uh, like what? (Sighing again and scratching his neck) Okay. Um, for me . . . (Sighing) uh, ooh, I would say . . . what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing . . . uh, ummmm, and (Sighing) Willie Mays and um, the second movement of the Jupiter Symphony, and ummmm... (Exhaling) Louie Armstrong's recording of "Potato Head Blues" . . . (Sighing) umm, Swedish movies, naturally . . . Sentimental Education by Flaubert . . . uh, Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra . . . (Sighing) ummm, those incredible apples and pears by Cézanne . . . (Sighing) uh, the crabs at Sam Wo's . . . uh, Tracy's face."
"This is so antiseptic. It's empty. Why do you think this is funny? You're going by audience reaction? This is an audience that's raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!"
"You rely too much on the brain. The brain is the most overrated organ."
"[to Yale and Emily Pollack and Tracy] Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage."
"[to Yale Pollack] You shouldn't ask me for advice. When it comes to relationships with women, I'm the winner of the August Strindberg Award."
"[to Tracy] I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."
"I can't express anger. That's my problem. I internalize everything. I just grow a tumor instead."
"She's 17. I'm 42, and she's 17. I'm older than her father, can you believe that? I'm dating a girl, wherein, I can beat up her father."
"[to Mary Wilke] You know a lot of geniuses, y'know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y'know, you could learn something."
"[to Mary Wilke] I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion."
"[to Yale Pollack] What are you telling me, that you're, you're, you're gonna leave Emily, is this true? And, and run away with the, the, the winner of the Zelda Fitzgerald emotional maturity award?"
"[to Isaac Davis] It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography."
"[to Isaac Davis] Not everybody gets corrupted. You've got to have faith in people."
"Woody Allen - Isaac Davis"
"Diane Keaton - Mary Wilke"
"Michael Murphy - Yale Pollack"
"Mariel Hemingway - Tracy"
"Meryl Streep - Jill Davis"
"Anne Byrne - Emily Pollack"
"Wallace Shawn - Jeremiah"
"Karen Ludwig - Connie"
"Charles Levin, Karen Allen, and David Rasche as Television actors"
"Mark Linn-Baker and Frances Conroy as Shakespearean actors"
"[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher] Oh . . . the pancakes!"
"I love baseball. You know, it doesn't have to mean anything. It's just very beautiful to watch."
"[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher] I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people."
"[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher] I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. Freud felt that it should be limited to women."
"[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher] My brother beat me. My sister beat my brother. My father beat my sister, my brother, and me. My mother beat my father, my sister, my brother, and me. The neighbors beat our family. The family down the street beat the neighbors and our family."
"But I've never flown before in my life, and it shows exactly what you can do, if you're a total psychotic!"
"I would like to apologize to everyone. I . . . I'm awfully sorry for, for marrying all those women. It just, I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to do. My deepest apology goes to the Trochman family in Detroit. I . . . I never delivered a baby before in my life, and I . . . I just thought that ice tongs was the way to do it. And to the, to the gentleman who's appendix I took out, I... I'm, I don't know what to say, if it's any consolation I... I may still have it somewhere around the house."
"[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher, under hypnotism] I'm 12 years old. I run into the synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life, but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons."
"That Zelig could be responsible for the behavior of each of the personalities he assumed means dozens of lawsuits. He is sued for bigamy, adultery, automobile accidents, plagiarism, household damages, negligence, property damages, and performing unnecessary dental extractions."
"The Ku Klux Klan, who saw Zelig as a Jew, that could turn himself into a Negro and a Chinaman, saw him as a triple threat."
"The question of whether Zelig was a psychotic or merely neurotic was a question that was endlessly discussed among his doctors. Now I myself felt his feelings were really not all that different from the normal, what one would call the well-adjusted, normal person, only carried to an extreme degree, to an extreme extent. I myself felt that one could really think of him as the ultimate conformist."
"Woody Allen – Leonard Zelig"
"Mia Farrow - Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher"
"Patrick Horgan - Narrator"
"Bruno Bettelheim – Himself"
"It's all right! She just swallowed a little jewelry, enjoy your dinners."
"In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee."
"I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier."
"There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed."
"You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing."
"How did I end up with a kid on the other end of the political spectrum? How did I fail?"
"I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him."
"It's like Noel Coward... with hockey!"
"Honey! Bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser!"
"I say give them an opportunity to decorate their own cells with their personal interior decorator."
"Bob, calm your denial mechanism."
"I've been trying since we got divorced to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality. I'm beginning to wonder if the world population isn't too limited."
"Laura: Please, no humiliating schemes."
"Rapper: Yo check it I'm through with love / I'm through with all you muthafuckas."
"DJ: That's Frieda, our maid. Personally I think she was Hitler's maid at Berchtesgaden."
"Woody Allen — Joe"
"Goldie Hawn - Steffi"
"Julia Roberts — Von"
"Edward Norton — Holden Spence"
"Drew Barrymore — Skylar Dandridge"
"Alan Alda — Bob"
"Natasha Lyonne — DJ"
"Tim Roth — Charles Ferry"
"Natalie Portman — Laura"
"Lukas Haas — Scotty"
"Gaby Hoffman — Lane"
"Saracen pig! Spartan dog! Take this! And this! Roman cow! Russian snake! Spanish fly! Anglo-Saxon Hun!"
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
"Wing Fat: Don't tell me what I can do, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard."
"Shepard Wong: I didn't order any fumigation! It's Wing Fool, you fat! I mean... it's Wing Fat, you fool!"
"I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left 'em all blank... I got a hundred."
"You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert."
"I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night."
"To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition."
"Female fan: [to Bates] Will you autograph my left breast?"
"Woody Allen - Sandy Bates"
"Charlotte Rampling - Dorrie"
"Jessica Harper - Daisy"
"Marie-Christine Barrault - Isobel"
"Tony Roberts - Tony"
"Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do ... I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the hell's he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It's not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer."
"A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store - I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might've stopped me - might've - is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle - you know - it would've been a blood bath."
"One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, at the time, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that. But then I thought, no, you know, maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot.[The gun fires accidentally, shattering a mirror] All of a sudden, the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. And suddenly neighbors were, were pounding on the door, and, and I don't know, the whole scene was just pandemonium. And, uh, you know, I-I-I ran to the door, I-I didn't know what to say. You know, I was-I was embarrassed and confused and my-my-my mind was r-r-racing a mile a minute. And I-I just knew one thing.I-I-I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and-and clear my head. And I remember very clearly, I walked the streets. I walked and I walked. I-I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and un-unreal to me. And I wandered for a long time on the Upper West Side, you know, and-and it must have been hours. You know, my-my feet hurt, my head was-was pounding, and-and I had to sit down. I went into a movie house. I-I didn't know what was playing or anything.I just, I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and, and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and, you know, the movie was a-a-a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and-and I always, uh, loved it. And, you know, I'm-I'm watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film, you know. And I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself. I mean isn't it so stupid? I mean, l-look at all the people up there on the screen. You know, they're real funny, and-and what if the worst is true.What if there's no God, and you only go around once and that's it. Well, you know, don't you want to be part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it's-it's not all a drag. And I'm thinkin' to myself, geez, I should stop ruining my life - searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after, who knows? I mean, you know, maybe there is something. Nobody really knows. I know, I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself."
"You missed a very dull TV show on Auschwitz. More gruesome film clips, and more puzzled intellectuals declaring their mystification over the systematic murder of millions. The reason they can never answer the question "How could it possibly happen?" is that it's the wrong question. Given what people are, the question is "Why doesn't it happen more often?" Of course it does, in subtler form."
"It's been ages since I sat in front of the TV, just changing channels to find something. You see the whole culture - Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers, beauty contests, the talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling, hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers, third-rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."
"[voiceover, about Lee] God, she's beautiful. She's got the prettiest eyes, and she looks so sexy in that sweater. I just want to be alone with her and hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and take care of her. Stop it, you idiot. She's your wife's sister. But I can't help it! I'm consumed by her. It's been months now. I dream about her. I, I, I think about her at the office. Oh, Lee. [sighing] What am I gonna do? I hear myself mooning over you, and it's disgusting. Before, when she squeezed past me in the doorway, and I smelled that perfume on the back of her neck... Jesus, I, I thought I was gonna swoon! Easy. You're a dignified financial advisor. It doesn't look good for you to swoon."
"For all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own heart."
"Mickey's Father: How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can opener works!"
"Barbara Hershey - Lee"
"Carrie Fisher - April Knox"
"Michael Caine - Elliot"
"Mia Farrow - Hannah"
"Dianne Wiest - Holly"
"Maureen O'Sullivan - Norma"
"Lloyd Nolan - Evan"
"Max von Sydow - Frederick"
"Woody Allen - Mickey"
"Lewis Black - Paul"
"Julia Louis-Dreyfus - Mary"
"Christian Clemenson - Larry"
"Julie Kavner - Gail"
"J.T. Walsh - Ed Smythe"
"John Turturro - Writer"
"Daniel Stern - Dusty"
"I hate her just like I hate that German chancellor with the mustache."
"My clergyman - who happens to be wanted for pederasty - will vouch for me."
"It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel."
"A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but..."
"The New York City Police want to give me a lifetime achievement award."
"You don't have a kosher bone in your body."
"You hate any woman that doesn't have a double digit IQ."
"Gosh, all this passion in a lousy insurance office!"
"Woody Allen - C. W. Briggs"
"Helen Hunt - Betty Ann Fitzgerald"
"Dan Aykroyd - Chris Magruder"
"Brian Markinson - Alvin "Al""
"Wallace Shawn - George Bond"
"David Ogden Stiers - Voltan"
"Charlize Theron - Laura Kensington"
"Elizabeth Berkley - Jill"
"Peter Gerety - Ned"
"John Schuck - Mize"
"One City. Three Stories Tall."
"Woody Allen - Sheldon"
"Mae Questel - Mother"
"Mia Farrow - Lisa"
"George Schindler - Shandu the Magician"
"Larry David - Theater manager"
"Heather McComb - Zoë"
"Talia Shire - Charlotte"
"Giancarlo Giannini - Claudio"
"Don Novello - Hector"
"Julie Kavner - Treva"
"Nick Nolte - Lionel Dobie"
"Rosanna Arquette - Paulette"
"Steve Buscemi - Gregory Stark"
"Jesse Borrego - Reuben Toro"
"Mike Starr - Hardhat"
"James Keane - Jimmy"
"Adrien Brody - Mel"
"Chris Elliott - Robber"
"Peter Gabriel - Himself"
"Illeana Douglas - Paulette's friend"
"Deborah Harry - Blind alley girl"
"Carmine Coppola - Street musician"
"Holly Marie Combs - Costume party guest"
"Kirsten Dunst - Lisa's daughter"
"Martin Scorsese - Man having picture taken with Lionel Dobie"
"[to his therapist] I was, uh, I was always very shy when it came to girls. I - I remember when I was a little boy, I - I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille, and I - I used to rub the dirty parts. And I, um, I guess I had a good relationship with my parents. I - I - I - they very rarely h- I think they hit me once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December, 1942 and stopped beating me in the late spring of '44. Um, I don't know, I was a nervous child. I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, I, uh, used to sleep with an electric blanket, and I was constantly electrocuting myself."
"You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department."
"Although the United States is, uh, a very rich country and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there, uh, there are locusts. Uh, we have more locusts than...uh, locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos...despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country, he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin."
"We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there."
"Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for, Hitler?"
"Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing."
"Woody Allen - Fielding Mellish"
"Louise Lasser - Nancy"
"Carlos Montalban - Gen. Emilio M. Vargas"
"David Ortiz - Sanchez"
"Natividad Abascal - Yolanda"
"Dorothi Fox - J. Edgar Hoover"
"Dan Frazer - Priest"
"Howard Cosell - Himself"
"Don Dunphy - Himself"
"Roger Grimsby - Himself"
"I didn't lie. I wasn't lying, Adrian. I was not lying. Do you want to know why I lied?"
"[about Maxwell] He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient! Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one."
"Sex alleviates tension and love causes it."
"We can't have intercourse in the kitchen! There's a man in the next room singing The Lord's Prayer!"
"Woody Allen - Virgil Starkwell"
"Janet Margolin - Louise"
"Marcel Hillaire - Fritz the Director"
"Jacquelyn Hyde - Miss Blair"
"Lonny Chapman - Jake the Convict"
"Jan Merlin - Al the Bank Robber"
"James Anderson - Chain Gang Warden"
"Howard Storm - Fred"
"Mark Gordon - Vince"
"Micil Murphy - Frank"
"Minnow Moskowitz - Joe Agneta"
"Nate Jacobson - The Judge"
"Grace Bauer - Farm House Lady"
"Ethel Sokolow - Mother Starkwell"
"Dan Frazer - Julius Epstein the Psychiatrist"
"Henry Leff - Father Starkwell"
"Mike O'Dowd - Michael Sullivan"
"Louise Lasser - Kay Lewis"
"[voiceover] I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves."
"Of course there was Old Greggor and his son Young Greggor. Oddly enough, Young Greggor's son was older than Old Greggor. Nobody could figure out how that happened."
"[writing aloud] "I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas." Too sentimental."
"[to Sonja] Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?"
"A. Socrates is a man. B. All men are mortal. C. All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Oh, well, I'm not a homosexual. I - I - Once, some - some Cossacks whistled at me. I - I - I happen to have the kind of body that excites both uh persuasions, but uh you know some men are - are heterosexual, and - and - s-some bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all, you know, they're - They become lawyers. My problem is that I - I see both sides of every issue. I'm - I'm too logical. You know, I - I - I, the world is not logical. If it was logical, h-how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? I-I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid, but - but every time I said something, they'd smack me, so you know, heh heh. I-I'm - I'm just wracked with guilt, and I'm - I'm consumed with remorse and stricken with suffering for the human race. Not only that, but - but I'm developing a uh herpe o-on m-my lip here that is really killing me. [sighs] What to do?"
"Then there is a God. Incredible. Moses was right. [A ray of light shines over Boris.] He that abideth in truth will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months with an option to buy. But the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate. And he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall . . . The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And . . . [Ray of light turns off.] Wait, I have more about the wicked man. [The ray turns on again.] I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is okay in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has got to be watched."
"Wheat. I'm dead. They're talking about wheat. The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that - only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if - if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that - that the worst you can say about Him is that basically, He's an underachiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've - if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you - you know exactly what I'm talking about. The - The key here, I think, is to - to not think of death as an end, but - but think of it more as a very effective way of - of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, huh, you know, uh, what can you say. I-It - It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me, folks. Goodbye."
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down."
"I never want to marry. I just want to get divorced."
"Woody Allen - Boris Grushenko"
"Diane Keaton - Sonja"
"James Tolkan - Napoleon Bonaparte"
"Harold Gould - Anton lvanovich Lebedokov"
"Olga Georges-Picot - Countess Alexandrovna"
"Zvee Scooler - Father"
"Jessica Harper - Natasha"
"Féodor Atkine - Mikhail Grushenko"
"Yves Barsacq - Rimsky"
"Brian Coburn - Dmitri"
"Tony Jay - Vladimir Maximovitch"
"Howard Vernon - General Leveque"
"Aubrey Morris - Soldier 4"
"Alfred Lutter - Young Boris Grushenko"
"Georges Adet - Old Nehamkin"
"Sol Frieder - Voskovec"
"Lloyd Battista – Don Francisco"
"Frank Adu – Drill sergeant"
"My brain? It's my second favorite organ!"
"I can't believe this. I go into the hospital for a lousy ulcer operation. I lay around in a Birds-Eye wrapper for 200 years, I wake up, suddenly I'm on the Ten-Most-Wanted List....I knew it was too good to be true. I parked right near the hospital."
"I haven't seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I'd been going all this time, I'd probably almost be cured by now."
"I just beat a man senseless with a large strawberry!"
"Do I believe in God? I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey."
"Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service."
"I am a renowned poet. I sell 20 to 30 poems a week, plus greeting cards."
"A love story about two people who hate each other. 200 years in the future."
"Woody Allen takes a nostalgic look at the future."
"Woody Allen - Miles Monroe"
"Diane Keaton - Luna Schlosser"
"John Beck - Erno Windt"
"Marya Small - Dr. Nero"
"Susan Miller - Ellen Pogrebin"
"Mary Gregory - Dr. Melik"
"Don Keefer - Dr. Tyron"
"Peter Hobbs - Dr. Dean"
"John McLiam - Dr. Aragon"
"Bartlett Robinson - Dr. Orva"
"Chris Forbes - Rainer Krebs"
"Brian Avery - Herald Cohen"
"Jackie Mason (uncredited voice) - Robot tailors"
"Douglas Rain (uncredited voice) - Evil computer / Robot butlers"
"Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting."
"With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!"
"[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?"
"Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?"
"I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing.""
"When it comes to sex, there are some mysteries that should remain unexplored. And with my luck, they always will be."
"Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen."
"Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling."
"Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old."
"The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?"
"You haven't seen anything until you've seen everything"
"If you want to know how this man made a movie out of this book... "Everything you always wanted to know about sex* - *But Were Afraid to Ask" you'll have to see the movie!"
"Woody Allen - Victor Shakapopulis / Fabrizio / The Fool / Sperm"
"Jack Barry - Himself"
"John Carradine - Dr. Bernardo"
"Erin Fleming - The Girl"
"Elaine Giftos - Mrs. Ross"
"Lou Jacobi - Sam Musgrave"
"Louise Lasser - Gina"
"Robert Q. Lewis - Himself"
"Heather MacRae - Helen Lacey"
"Pamela Mason - Herself"
"Sidney Miller - George"
"Regis Philbin - Himself"
"Anthony Quayle - The King"
"Tony Randall - The Operator"
"Lynn Redgrave - The Queen"
"Burt Reynolds - Switchboard"
"Ref Sanchez - Igor"
"Gene Wilder - Dr. Ross"
"Floor five: Subway muggers, aggressive panhandlers, and book critics. Floor six: Right-wing extremists, serial killers, lawyers who appear on television. Floor seven: The media. Sorry, that floor is all filled up. Floor eight: Escaped war criminals, TV evangelists, and the NRA."
"Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'll take air conditioning."
"All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."
"The two most important things are the work you choose and sex."
"Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Ah, bad example."
"The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign"."
"I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you."
"Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world."
"Harry Block wrote a bestseller about his best friends. Now, his best friends are about to become his worst enemies."
"Harry Block has written a best seller... about his best friends... he revealed their deepest secrets... and they're not pleased... now Harry Block is going to Hell..."
"Woody Allen - Harry Block"
"Richard Benjamin - Ken - Harry's Character"
"Kirstie Alley - Joan - Harry's former wife"
"Billy Crystal - Larry/Devil - Harry's friend"
"Judy Davis - Lucy"
"Bob Balaban - Richard, friend that dies of a heart attack"
"Elisabeth Shue - Fay, Harry's last girlfriend"
"Tobey Maguire - Harvey Stern - Harry's character"
"Jennifer Garner - Woman in the elevator - Harry's character"
"Paul Giamatti - Prof. Abbott"
"Stanley Tucci - Paul Epstein - Harry's Character"
"Julia Louis-Dreyfus - Leslie - Harry's Character"
"Mariel Hemingway - Beth Kramer"
"Robin Williams - Mel - Harry's Character"
"Hazelle Goodman - Cookie"
"Eric Bogosian - Burt - Harry's brother in law"
"Demi Moore - Helen - Harry's Character"
"Caroline Aaron - Doris, Harry's sister"
"Eric Lloyd - Hilliard, Harry's son"
"Amy Irving - Jane"
"Viola Harris - Elsie"
"Shifra Lerer - Dolly - Harry's Character"
"Who do you have to sleep with around here to get a Stoli martini with a twist of lemon?"
"[on Chili] He's another version of Augie, he's a loser."
"[Ginger tells Jasmine that Eddie knows a dentist looking for help] Oh, forget it! Jesus, it's too menial! I'd go nuts. I wanna go back to school, get my degree and become...you know...Something substantial. I can't just do some mindless job. I was forced to take a job selling shoes on Madison Avenue. So humiliating. Friends I'd had at dinner parties at our apartment came in and I waited on them. I mean, do you have any idea what that's like? You know, one minute you're hosting women and the next, you're measuring their shoe size and fitting them. [emotionally intense] Erica Bishop came into the store. She saw me and was so embarrassed for me, she slipped out thinking I didn't see her. [shouts] I saw you, Erica!"
"[mumbling to herself] It's fraught with peril. They gossip, you know, they talk. I saw Danny. Yes, did I tell you? He's getting married. A weekend in Palm Beach means I can wear... what could I wear? I can wear the Dior dress I bought in Paris. Yes, my black dress. Well, Hal always used to surprise me with jewelry. Extravagant pieces. I think he used to buy them at auction. It's so obvious what you're doing. You think I don't know. French au pair. ["Blue Moon" begins playing] This was playing on the Vineyard. "Blue Moon". I used to know the words. I used to know the words. Now they're all a jumble."
"He was a handsome guy with money. He was a smooth talker and pampered her. What's she gonna say? No?"
"Augie: Some people, they don't put things behind so easily."
"Cate Blanchett - Jeanette "Jasmine" Francis"
"Alec Baldwin - Hal Francis, Jasmine's ex-husband"
"Sally Hawkins - Ginger, Jasmine's sister"
"Bobby Cannavale - Chili, Ginger's fiancé"
"Louis C.K. - Al, Ginger's lover"
"Andrew Dice Clay - Augie, Ginger's ex-husband"
"Peter Sarsgaard - Dwight Westlake, Jasmine's fiancé"
"Michael Stuhlbarg - Dr. Flicker, Jasmine's boss"
"Tammy Blanchard - Jane, a friend of Jasmine's"
"Max Casella - Eddie, Chili's friend"
"Alden Ehrenreich - Danny Francis, Jasmine's stepson"
"Barbara Garrick - Diane, a friend of Jasmine's"
"Emily Bergl - Hal & Jasmine's friend"
"Life has a malicious way of dealing with great potential."
"You know, life is manageable enough if you keep your hopes modest. The minute you allow yourself sweet dreams you run the risk of them crashing down."
"They still talk about my portrayal of King Lear. I played it with a limp."
"Did I tell you I played Uncle Vanya once? With a limp. It was interesting."
"Excuse the mess. My cleaning woman just won $60 million, so I gave her the night off."
"Melinda and Melinda at imdb.com"
"It was a really tragic story, because my husband, Otto, was dyslexic, and the only thing he could spell correctly was his name."
"I met a wonderful man downstairs. He seemed to like me. He said I reminded him of his wife who's dead. But I assume he meant when she was alive."
"They took a bite out of crime."
"Explodes with big-time laughter."
"Woody Allen - Ray Winkler"
"Tracey Ullman - Frances "Frenchy" Fox-Winkler"
"Elaine May - May Sloane"
"Elaine Stritch - Chi-Chi Velasquez Potter"
"Hugh Grant - David Perrette"
"Michael Rapaport - Denny Doyle"
"Tony Darrow - Tommy Walker"
"Jon Lovitz - Benjamin "Benny" Bukowski"
"Brian Markinson - Officer Ken DeLoach"
"George Grizzard - George Blint"
"Larry Pine - Charles Bailey"
"Kristine Nielsen - Emily Bailey"
"Tom Dale. Big star. He's in New York filming an adaptation of a sequel of a remake."
"[about Papadakis] He's very arty, pretentious, one of those assholes who shoots all his films in black and white."
"I can't have sex with you! My body belongs to my husband and there is no way that I could betray him in that way. But what I do from the neck up is a different story."
"Every curve in your body fulfills its promise. If the universe has any meaning, I'm looking at it."
"One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High and you fucking blink and you're 40, you blink again and you can see movies at half price on a senior citizen's pass. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately, ask not for whom the toilet flushes."
"Just in time. Another minute, I'd have been found dead of comedy poisoning..."
"No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck."
"I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier."
"[to Lee] I hope you catch a break."
"Well, I'm working on buying St. Patrick's Cathedral, maybe doing a little rip-down job and putting up a very very tall and beautiful building."
"Kenneth Branagh - Lee Simon"
"Judy Davis - Robin Simon"
"Joe Mantegna - Tony Gardella"
"Winona Ryder - Nola"
"Famke Janssen - Bonnie"
"Charlize Theron - Supermodel"
"Melanie Griffith - Nicole Oliver"
"Leonardo DiCaprio - Brandon Darrow"
"Gretchen Mol - Vicky"
"Kate Burton - Cheryl"
"Bebe Neuwirth - Nina"
"Hank Azaria - David"
"Douglas McGrath - Bill Gaines"
"J. K. Simmons - Souvenir Hawker"
"Dylan Baker - Catholic Retreat Priest"
"Debra Messing - TV Reporter"
"Allison Janney - Evelyn Isaacs"
"Gerry Becker - Jay Tepper"
"Tony Sirico - Lou DeMarco"
"Celia Weston - Dee Bartholomew"
"Aida Turturro - Olga"
"Lorri Bagley - Gina"
"David Margulies - Counselor Adelman"
"Jeffrey Wright - Greg"
"Tony Darrow - Moving Man"
"Adrian Grenier, Sam Rockwell, and John Doumanian - Darrow's Entourage"
"Greg Mottola - Director"
"Michael Moon - Himself/El Flamingo Band"
"Donald Trump - Himself"
"Ian Somerhalder - Unconfirmed"
"Karen Duffy - TV Reporter"
"Frank Licari - Camera Man"
"Andre Gregory - John Papadakis"
"A funny look at people who will do anything to get famous... or stay famous."
"See, as the mainspring goes back and forth, the bishop keeps fucking her in the ass. It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time."
"And so there I am on the first day, on the set, and there's this guy fucking me from behind, right, and there's these two huge guys dressed like cops in my mouth at the same time and I remember thinking to myself, "I like acting. I wanna study.""
"I feel like I owe you a great fuck."
"There's a reason the horse is sixty to one though, y'know, he's probably got polio."
"I'm sure you're a state-of-the-art fellatrix."
"This guy's gonna put me in 27 separate Mason jars!"
"Adopt? What? I don't want to adopt. Not with my genes. I have award-winning genes."
"Woody Allen - Lennie Weinrib"
"Mira Sorvino - Linda Ash"
"Helena Bonham Carter - Amanda Weinrib"
"F. Murray Abraham - Greek Chorus leader"
"Michael Rapaport - Kevin"
"Olympia Dukakis - Jocasta"
"David Ogden Stiers - Laius"
"Jack Warden - Tiresias"
"Danielle Ferland - Cassandra"
"Peter Weller - Jerry Bender"
"Claire Bloom - Mrs. Sloan"