"Magic Mirror: Shrek's starvin' for some great pie, and an old shut-in wants to make it for him. But who will be able to bring home the blackbird? Fiona, doll, it's your HERO TIME!"

"Gingerbread Man: Well, it's been fun guys, but I have a blind date. She might be my sugar cookie."

"Little Red Riding Hood: Got room in the carriage? I've go a game to pitch in Far Far Away."

"Narrator: And so they came upon a dark, creepy forest. And as if that weren't reason enough to turn back, an evil witch flew above them. Seeing the carriage horses were enchanted, the Wicked Witch turned them back into mice, for witches need mice for their witchery. The Wicked Witch then left a trail of cheese, so the mice would be led to her doorstep and into her boiling pot, because she is really wicked... I could tell you some stories..."

"Mouse 1: We have been rudely turned back into mice."

"Mouse 3: Yes, I can see that."

"Mouse 2: No, you can't."

"Mouse 1: By Jove, that smells like cheese."

"Fiona: Great. Now we need another potion to turn them back... We'll never make it there."

"Shrek: Relax, the Wicked Witch's place is that way."

"Donkey: Wicked witches, spooky trees, crazy mice on a lactose binge. We're doomed."

"Shrek: Shut it, Donkey. Now how's this gate open?"

"Guardian: Who dares to disturb the Guardian..."

"Shrek: Sorry, I can tell you put down roots here. But if you could scootch to the side... Donkey."

"Donkey: Oh, right! My Burro Blast!"

"Magic Mirror: Uh-oh... better take care of these traps before someone gets hurt."

"Shrek: I'm sorry. I didn't see that."

"Leprechaun: Welcome to Crazy Larry's Leprechaun's shop! One-stop shopping for all your magical needs. You're a shrewd customer. That's one of a kind. I'm open 24 hours if you change your mind."

"Guy: You don't have to go back to your castle, but you can't stay here."

"Knight: Your kind ain't welcome round here."

"Little Red Riding Hood: And what are you do about it, tin man?"

"Leprechaun: There once was a wee little man who held out his wee little hand. Fill it with gold or I... Look, will you pay me gold or not?! May the road rise to meet you... And smack you right in the kisser!"

"Magic Mirror: Use Donkey to Burro Blast these Tombstones to make a bridge! Press button to toss a Rotten Apple with Lil Red!"

"Fiona: Shrek, come here."

"Shrek: How did that get up here?"

"Gingerbread Man: Oh, Dragon and I flew it here."

"Donkey: My fire-breathing beauty."

"Witch: The mice will be mine!"

"Donkey: Don't worry, we'll save Fiona. I saved the princess... I mean we saved the princess. We saved the princess."

"Narrator: So a nervous Shrek waited to meet Fiona's parents. King Harold and Queen Lillian. Hoping to impress them, Shrek even remembered to trim his nose hairs. After that minor stumble, the King and Queen got along famously with Shrek. Welcoming him with the tolerance, love and affection usually reserved for pop stars and heads of state. Or not... King Harold made it clear he wanted Fiona to marry Prince Charming, and wasn't so fond of his fat, disgusting, nose-picking son-in-law. Shrek made it clear he loved Fiona and no pompous king was going to blatantly mock his ogre girth. Fiona and Queen Lillian were eventually able to break up the fight. The King was approached by Fairy Godmother, who was a powerful provider of happily ever afters. And a lot of people owed her favors. She makes offers you can't refuse and can make people disappear. Literally. You can understand where I'm going with this, right? Cause she could leave me sleeping with the fishes if I said too much. And mirrors and fish don't mix. Trust me. In the morning, tempers appeared to have cooled and King Harold offered to show our group around Far Far Away."

"King Harold: Welcome to Far Far Away. Fabulous shopping, great view, beautiful people. Why don't you make yourselves useful and be my deputies?"

"Shrek: Deputy Shrek at your service."

"King Harold: Where you see this symbol, I need your help. There has been a fowl catastrophe. The Friars Fat Boy truck has overturned! We need to round up the chickens. Come on, they're even more cowardly than you. How brave of you to accept this grave chicken challenge. So the chickens are your friends now, eh? They're just chickens! There are scarier things in your belly button lint. A giant troll is after the family jewels... Can you collect the jewels, before the nasty troll gets away?! You should have no problem, I understand trolls and ogres are distant cousins. There are delinquent hooligans fighting in the streets like filthy ogres... ...I mean, beasts. Go arrest them now and throw them in the paddy wagon! Excellent. You take orders well. Well, Cinderella's come a long way from her house cleaning days. She no longer does windows, she only shops through them. But this neighborhood is full of muggers. Will you protect her while she looks for a pair of glass slippers to go with her new fall look? Splendid! Oh, and Shrek, pick yourself up some deodorant."

"Fiona: You mess with me, you mess with my husband."

"King Harold: There's been a horrible eggs-plosion! Humpty has broken up and all the king's horses and all the king's men have struck out. Maybe your big ogre thumbs can help? Watch the peasants, they're feisty! Great, got any glue? Well, rats! The Pied Piper is here! He's gone piping mad. Will you get rid of him and all his disgusting vermin? Ratical! Ratastic! Ratatouille! Makes you feel superior to beat up a troll, does it? Congratulations, Shrek. You're quite resilient! Fiona, why don't you show the others back to the castle?"

"Fairy Godmother: Curses! Plan B then! Go to the Poison Apple and hire the ogre killer!"

"Narrator: After a long day of saving fried chicken, stopping an inner-city riot, and helping a wannabe princess get her shopping done, our hero headed back to the king's castle for a good night's sleep. Poor Shrek's evening would take a turn for the worse, as he stumbled across Fiona's childhood diary. A devastated Shrek spent the night reading about Princess Fiona's dream of marrying a handsome prince with washboard abs, a chiseled chin, impeccable hygiene. In short... The Anti-Shrek. Tired of being green and feeling ugly, Shrek decided to take a walk in the woods, as his friends tried to cheer him up."

"Puss: Now ye ogre, pray for mercy from... Puss... in Boots! One life down, eight to go! One can not live la vida loca forever! En garde!"

"Shrek: Well, you've been a bad little kitty."

"Puss: Please do not terminate me! I can take you to the Grande Fairy Madre. She is the answer to all your problemas!"

"Narrator: And so, hoping to solve Shrek's problems, our gang moved forward to Fairy Godmother's house, which was known for two things: its pre-war colonial charm and the impossibility of getting inside without an appointment."

"Guard: The only appointments today are Ms. Hood and a package from Jack & Jill's Farm."

"Donkey: I have an idea! We can intercept that package from the farm."

"Puss In Boots: Better yet, we can go to the farm and get the package! (Shrek & Gingy applaud, Donkey gets annoyed by Puss in Boots's suggestion)."

"Fairy Godmother: Hocus Pocus, Pumpkins, focus, Come to life, Cause some strife!"

"Donkey: Shrek, do these pumpkins look a little funny to you?"

"Shrek: Donkey! They're just pumpkins."

"William Gruff: Good day, cheerio, aren't you a sorry lot, oh, and so good to meet you, yes, yes. The name's William Gruff, and I wonder if layabouts might escort me across the bridge? Why, aren't you a bunch of fine fellows."

"Larry: Top of the morning to you! I can tell that you're wanting to get past, but the hinges are a wee bit rusty, don't you know. I'd be willing to part with some of my magic oil, but with the prices these days, it's not going to be cheap. Alrighty then, let's see what's behind number two, shall we?"