"No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!"

"I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of...masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami". Yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud". [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" 5-6 times a day."

"I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?"

"I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them?"

"You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us."

"[After being caught masturbating by Linda] Wait. Just a minute. Doesn't anybody ever fucking knock anymore?"

"What are you people, on dope?!"

"It's Awesome! Totally Awesome!"

"Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass!"

"Eric Stoltz - Stoner Bud"

"Anthony Edwards - Stoner Bud"

"Forest Whitaker - Charles Jefferson"

"Amanda Wyss - Lisa"

"Vincent Schiavelli - Mr. Vargas"

"Scott Thomson - Arnold"

"Ray Walston - Mr. Hand"

"Brian Backer - Mark Ratner"

"Robert Romanus - Mike Damone"

"Phoebe Cates - Linda Barrett"

"[the "five-point plan"] Alright, now pay attention. First of all, Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of ya. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five – now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV."

"Judge Reinhold - Brad Hamilton"

"Jennifer Jason Leigh - Stacy Hamilton"

"Sean Penn - Jeff Spicoli"

"At Ridgemont High Only the Rules get Busted!"

"Michael Schoeffling - Jake Ryan"

"Zelda Rubinstein - Organist"

"John Kapelos - Rudy Ryszczyk"

"Jami Gertz - Robin"

"Brian Doyle-Murray - Reverend at Wedding"

"Joan Cusack - Geek Girl #1"

"Deborah Pollack - Marlene, aka "Lumberjack""

"Darren Harris - Cliff a.k.a. "Wease""

"John Cusack - Bryce"

"Liane Alexandra Curtis - Randy"

"Max Showalter - Grandpa Fred"