"[about Lana] It was great the way her mind worked: No guilt, no doubts, no fear. None of my specialties. Just this shameless pursuit of immediate material gratification. What a capitalist! She told me I could make more money in one night than I'd make all year. Enough to pay for my father's car. She told me she'd be my girlfriend. She told me a lot of things. I believed them all. So, she introduced me to her friends. I introduced her to my friends."

"It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four letter word."

"[voiceover] The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors'. I ring, but nobody answers. The door is open, so I go inside. I'm looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what's what. Then I see her; this... girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she's doing there I don't know, because she doesn't live there... but it's a dream, so I go with it. "Who's there?" she says. "Joel," I say. "What are you doing here?" "I don't know what I'm doing here; what are you doing here?" "I'm taking a shower," she says. Then I give her: "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she's hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door... and I... find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I'm over three hours late; I've got two minutes to take the whole test. I've... just made a terrible mistake. I'll never get to college. My life is ruined."

"Max Perlich - Lester"

"Ami Dolenz - Fran"

"Gerardo Mejía - Ricky"

"Eric Bruskotter - Big John"

"Cort McCown - Quint"

"Devin DeVasquez - Iris"

"Cloyce Morrow - Judy Miller"

"Dennis Dugan - David Miller"

"Darcy DeMoss - Patty"

"Sharon Farrell - Mrs. Mancini"

"Seth Green - Chuckie Miller"

"Tina Caspary - Barbara"

"[referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro."

"Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning"

"Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah"

"Stan Lee - Himself"

"Ethan Suplee - Willam Black"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner"

"Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton"

"Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning"

"Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce"

"Jeremy London - T.S. Quint"

"Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier"

"Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!"

"It's mall or nothing"

"Get Malled"

"They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there."

"[Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans."

"[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show."

"[after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"[To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!"

"[about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talkin’ out of my ass, or stickin’ my hand in it."

"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy."

"Daniel-san, you much humor!"

"Rob Garrison - Tommy"

"Tony O'Dell - Jimmy"

"Ron Thomas - Bobby Brown"

"Chad McQueen - Dutch"

"Randee Heller - Lucille LaRusso"

"Martin Kove - John Kreese"

"William Zabka - Johnny Lawrence"

"Elisabeth Shue - Ali Mills"

"Pat Morita - Mr. Hideo Miyagi"