"There's no point to any of this. It's just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moments where your laughter becomes a cackle... and I, I sit back and smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt."

"Honey, the only thing you have to be at age 23 is yourself."

"I am not required to make the world a better place."

"There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake."

"Are employee snacks subsidized?"

"You look like a doily."

"Hey! I'm a non-practicing virgin."

"It's not like I had a hysterectomy. I just got fired."

"I have work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage."

"Steve Zahn - Sammy Gray"

"Janeane Garofalo - Vickie Milner"

"Ben Stiller - Michael Grates"

"Ethan Hawke - Troy Dyer"

"Winona Ryder - Lelania Pierce"

"He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers."

"A comedy about love in the 90's"

"Life is always funnier when it happens to someone else."

"My goal is... I'd like a career or something."

"Colin Firth - Henry Dashwood"

"Christina Cole - Clarissa Payne"

"Anna Chancellor - Glynnis Payne"

"Kelly Preston - Libby Reynolds"

"Oliver James - Ian Wallace"

"Amanda Bynes - Daphne Reynolds"

"[to Daphne] No hugging, dear. I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses."

"[to Daphne] Everybody's rooting for you to fail. That's what makes it fun."

"Seems you had a better time in Morocco than you let on"

"[after Daphne walks out in fashion show] Holy poo on toast."

"Oh, very you, lovely. So Henry asked us to give you a few pointers, didn't he? Well, pointer number 1: go home. Mother and I belong here and it's quite clear you just don't fit in. And pointer number 2: while you're packing, keep your grimy little Yankee paws off Armistead Stuart, he's mine."

"Maybe someone should've put a cork in it seventeen years ago."

"That girl is totally barbaric!"

"(Joking) Eloping together. Yeah. I realize it's a bit sudden but after last night, there was really no turning back."

"You know, just another one of my glamorous jobs."

"Why do you try so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?"

"No, in Clarissa's case it's more like an intercontinental ballistic missile."

"For me, it's just a stop on the campaign trail, and for Glynnis it's a chance to launch Clarissa on society."

"I'm not explaining this very well, am I?"

"You like Co-co Pops?"

"Remember when I told you how groovy I used to be?"

"I think I owe you a rather large apology."

"Dude, its chocolate. Need I say more?"

"Every year I would wish if that I was good enough you would come and find me."

"It's bigger than our entire apartment and the Chinese restaurant downstairs and the dry cleaner down the street; it makes the White House look like a McDonalds!"

"My evil stepsister, you've seen Cinderella, right? Let me clue you in, I win."

"If you take your nose out of the air for one second you'll see that you're designer, I'm vintage. You've got a mansion, I've got a five floor walkup. You're snotty little miss cranky pants and I go with the flow, so why would you ever think for one second that I'd ever have the same taste in guys? So here's a little pointer for you. Get over yourself and stop trying to be my daddy's little girl because I'm not going anywhere."

"Francis Capra — Calogero Anello"

"Lillo Brancato, Jr. — Calogero Anello"