"[on Hector being sacked] No more genital massage as one speed along leafy suburban roads. No more the bike's melancholy long withdrawing roar as he dropped you at the corner, your honor still intact."

"The truth was, in 1914, Germany doesn't want war. Yeah, there's an arms race, but it's Britain who's leading it. So, why does no one admit this?"

"But this is History. Distance yourselves. Our perspective on the past alters. Looking back, immediately in front of us is dead ground. We don't see it, and because we don't see it this means that there is no period so remote as the recent past. And one of the historian's jobs is to anticipate what our perspective of that period will be... even on the Holocaust."

"Pass the parcel. That's sometimes all you can do. Take it, feel it, and pass it on. Not for me, not for you, but for someone, somewhere, one day. Pass it on, boys. That's the game I want you to learn. Pass it on."

"I would hate to turn out boys who, in later life, would claim to have a love of literature, or speak of the lure of language, and their love of words. Words, said in a way that's somehow... Welsh."

"Remember boys: festoon your answers with gobbets, and you won't go far wrong."

"Johan Sebastian Wong – Waiter #1"

"Rocco Bellusici – Waiter #3"

"Fred Lee – Waiter #2"

"John Wong – Chinese Father"

"Bob Clark – Swede (uncredited)"

"Jean Shepherd – Narrator (Ralphie as an adult)"

"Tedde Moore – Miss Shields"

"Zack Ward – Scut Farcus"

"Yano Anaya – Grover Dill"

"R.D. Robb – Schwartz"

"Scott Schwartz – Flick"

"The Parker Family"

"'Tis Better To Give Than To Receive."

"Peace, Harmony, Comfort, And Joy... Maybe Next Year."

"A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas..."

"Scut Farkus: [to Ralphie] Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come! [Ralphie starts quivering] What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby, cry for me! Come on! CRY, HA HA!!! [begins mock crying and laughing]"

"Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya."

"[as an adult, narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man."

"[after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure...to...drink...your...Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!"

"[reading his essay] "What I want for Christmas. What I want is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock... and this thing which tells time." Wow, that's great. "I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun. They're very good for Christmas. I don't think that a football's a very good Christmas present.""

"Parminder Nagra — Jessminder "Jess" Bhamra"

"Shaznay Lewis - Mel"

"Archie Panjabi - Pinky Bhamra"

"Anupam Kher - Mr. Bhamra"

"Shaheen Khan — Mrs. Bhamra"

"Ameet Chana - Tony"

"Frank Harper - Alan Paxton"

"Juliet Stevenson — Paula Paxton"

"Jonathan Rhys Meyers — Joe"

"Keira Knightley — Juliette "Jules" Paxton"

"[after coming out to his mother] I wanna be miserable and happy and all that. I wanna be let back into the house."

"I truly believe that if we can get two women on the supreme court, we can get at least one on you."

"Evian is naive spelled backwards."

"I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!"

"It's not like its happening to me. It's like it's in a crappy show like Melrose Place."

"Don't you ever wish you were a lesbian?"

"My parents have been married for 26 years. Theyre like brother and sister at this point. She goes to the bathroom with the door open. That would be "A". And "B" that's disgusting."

"My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years."

"Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship."