"You couldn't invent someone like Carl Lazlo. He was a ... he was one of a kind. He was a mutant. A real heavyweight water buffalo type ... who could chew his way through a concrete wall and spit out the other side covered with lime and chalk and look good in doing it."

"I hate to advocate alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone but they've always worked for me."

"[Reacting to a police officer's testimony in court] You were looking for a bomb in a pack of cigarettes?"

"I was a working journalist, a hired geek of sorts, and Lazlo was great copy and sometimes a great lawyer. It was a fast, strange time and we worked in a fast, strange ways."

"There, chew on that gibberish for awhile, you heartless scum!"

"[Urging his dog to attack a Nixon mannequin] Bronco ... Nixon."

"No need to panic. I'll just lash together a few raw facts, a little bit of old Negro wisdom, and this nightmare is over."

"Paul Reubens — FBI Agent Bob"

"Pam Ferris — Agatha Trunchbull"

"Embeth Davidtz — Miss Jennifer "Jenny" Honey"

"Rhea Perlman — Zinnia Wormwood"

"Danny DeVito — Harry Wormwood / Narrator"

"Mara Wilson — Matilda Wormwood-Honey"

"Somewhere inside all of us is the power to change the world."

"Kids Rule!"

"A little magic goes a long way."

"[throwing marshmallows as Matilda was grabbing the book that was thrown] Hey, Dip face. Have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, Dip face. Dip face!"

"Hey, dip face, Have carrot!"

"Give me the cookies."

"Could you repeat the last one?"

"Well, it's hard for me to remember a specific cake."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The Trunchbull used to be in the Olympics: Shot-put, javelin, hammer throw. The hammer throw was her specialty."

"You… will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings on you!"

"I am here to teach you all a lesson! [forcefully pushes a set of desks into the wall] Sometimes in life, horrible and unexplainable things happen. [kicks more desks into the wall] These things are a test of character! [pushes more desks into the wall] And I have character!"

"[on phone to Harry] WORMWOOD! You useless used-car salesman scum, I want you around here NOW! With another car! Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you lowlife liar! I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna burn down your showroom, I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BAZOOKA! When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like ROADKILL! You what?"

"I could say 'Good Morning'. That wouldn't be acting, because I always say 'Good morning'."

"What picture?! WHAT PICTURE!?"

"More sand in the desert!"

"Stop! Stop! Cut! Cut! Shame on you, Sevalio! You are a disgrace to your village and to the motion picture industry!"

"Where is he? Where is my Tony!? Where is my beautiful Tony? Look at that skin—like a baby. Whatsa matter, you never get old like the rest of us, eh? I love him, I LOVE him!"

"The wrong man escaped????"

"Arrgh... If only I could steal enough to become an honest man!"

"Jean Speegle Howard — Mrs. Phelps"

"Jon Lovitz — Mickey (host of The Million Dollar Sticky) (uncredited)"

"Marion Dugan — Cookie"

"Jacqueline Steiger — Amanda Thripp"

"Jimmy Karz — Bruce Bogtrotter"

"Brian Levinson — Michael "Mikey" Wormwood"

"Kira Spencer Hesser — Hortensia"

"Kiami Davael — Lavender"

"Tracey Walter — FBI Agent Bill"

"I'll be watching you, each and every one. When you turn the corner, when you go to your little cubbies to get your smelly little coats, when you skip merrily to lunch, I'll be watching you. All of you! [pointing at Matilda] And especially you!"

"[to Matilda] You're a liar and a scoundrel, and your father's a liar and a cheat! You're the most corrupt lowlifes in the history of civilization! Am I wrong? I'm never wrong! In this classroom, in this school, I AM GOD!"

"[the kids giggle as they notice the newt in her glass of water] What’s funny? Hmm? Well, spit it out! Speak up! I like a joke as well as the next fat person!"

"WHY are all these women married?! Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching spelling, not poetry!"

"Useless flaming CAR! [storms towards Matilda] Wormwood! Sell me a lemon? [drags her through the hallways] You're heading for the Chokey, young lady! [Matilda: The Chokey?!] Teach you a lesson! [Matilda: What lesson?!] You and your father think you can make a fool out of me! [Matilda: My father?] The guy with the stupid haircut! [Matilda: I'm nothing like my father!] You're the spitting image! The apple never rots far from the tree!"

"Shut up! The entire school will stay another FIVE HOURS after school and copy from the dictionary! Any child who object will go straight into the Chokey... TOGETHER!"

"Hop to, hippity-hop! The entire school will go to the assembly room, immediately. Sit!"

"The distance the shot put goes depends upon the effort you put into it! PERSPIRATION!"