Bbc Shows

"Miles Jupp: "The Wild Bean Café - You have literally no other option!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Vodafone - Mos...ubbish...obile...hone...cept...in...country.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! - It's not butter!""

"John Finnemore: "Fray Bentos - Don't ask, don't tell.""

"Tony Hawks: "Wakefield - Because you came off at the wrong exit on the motorway.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Noise Abatement Society - ...""

"John Finnemore: "Yellow Pages - In case the internet stops existing.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Andrex - Shit happens.""

"Miles Jupp: "McDonald's - We have toilets!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Southern or Northern Rail - We're not happy 'til you're not happy.""

"Miles Jupp: "Disneyland - Because if you don't take them, they will never shut up!""

"John Finnemore: "Prosecco - For those special occasions that aren't that special.""

"John Finnemore: "Ryanair - You knew what you were getting into!""

"Jack Dee: "Without permission, stupid Jake went skating on a frozen lake...""

"Jack Dee: "Young James thought it would be a lark, to ride upon a great white shark...""

"Jack Dee: "A dreadful habit of young Mart's was lighting his and others' farts...""

"Jack Dee: "A wicked habit of young Bill's, was rifling through his father's pills...""

"Rob Brydon: "You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar...""

"Barry Cryer: "Durex - In your wallet for years.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Milk Marketing Board - A glass of milk... in every glass.""

"Caroline Quentin: "Apple - Think different. Think ungramattical.""

"Jack Dee: "'Do not put', his mum told Ted, 'that plastic bag upon your head'...""

"Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Sue would feed the monkeys in the zoo...""

"Jack Dee: "With stick in hand, naughty Denise approached a peaceful swarm of bees...""

"Jack Dee: "'I think I shall try six', said Fred, 'electric blankets on my bed'...""

"Jack Dee: "Young Nigel earned a stern reproof for doing cartwheels on the roof...""

"Jack Dee: "'I see dead people!' claimed young Cole, which made his mother drop her bowl...""

"Jack Dee: "Daisy Pugh and husband Gus, spiced up their sex life on the bus...""

"Jack Dee: "The infant Mike had such bad genes, he lived on top shelf magazines...""

"Jack Dee: "Though often warned, a boy called Rex still tampered with electric flex...""

"Jack Dee: "One day a small girl called Sophia climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Jack Dee: "Belinda made her parents vexed for all she ever did was text...""

"Jack Dee: "In spite of warnings, little Stu would taunt the lions in the zoo...""

"Tony Hawks: "A fantasy epic on BBC now, with a tale spanning multiple worlds, in which a threatening godlike figure suffers several bouts of sexually transmitted infections. That's His Dark Venereals on BBC Three.""

"Jack Dee: "A naughty little lad called Dave would hide inside the microwave...""

"Jack Dee: "Poor Mrs. Wilhelmina Binns was knackered giving birth to quins...""

"Gary Delaney: "Next on BBC Two, Dara Ó Briain is back as the host of the quickfire topical panel show for Chinese cannibals who eat the shy. It's Wok the Meek. ...if you could hear the footsteps going all round the houses to get to that one!""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, it's the crossover you never knew you needed - Ocean's Eleven meets Radio 4, but controversy strikes as the charismatic lead is replaced by Jack Dee in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clooney.""

"Rory Bremner: "Later on Radio 4, a new series in which Kirsty Lang travels to each region of the UK in an attempt to find the country's finest sperm bank. That's Round Britain Jizz, this Friday at 11.30.""

"Tony Hawks: "Coming up next on BBC One, the crime drama set on a well-known Scottish archipelago, now sadly polluted by sewage discharge. That's Shitland, tonight at nine.""

"Pippa Evans: "On ITV at eight o'clock, mystery guests sing songs while wearing elaborate masks, before a celebrity jury attempts to guess which is the least attractive. That's The Masked Minger at eight o'clock.""

"Stephen Fry: "And talking of piers, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins visit Oxford to examine the Reverend Spooner's passion for the repair and maintenance of the city's traditional watercraft. That's Care of Punts, coming soon.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up this evening, Ben Fogle takes his fossil hammer to Dorset's Jurassic coast on a hunt for the perfect ammonite. That's Cracking One Out with Ben Fogle, later this evening.""

"Tony Hawks: "Next on ITV a new game show, giving contestants a chance to win an any of an amazing selection of panty liners. That's The Sale of the Sanitary, next.""

"Stephen Fry: "Meanwhile on BBC One, Charlie Dimmock takes command of a squad of Coldstream Guards as they completely returf an entire rugby pitch in time for their crunch match against the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. That's Sod This for a Game of Soldiers.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "After the break, Ben Fogle travels to Australia to discover if there's any truth at all in the legend of the twenty foot crocodile roaming Darwin's sewers. That's Ben Fogle and the Giant Croc of Shit, after the break.""

"Miles Jupp: "Later on Radio 4, Bear Grylls recounts the story of the large shrimp that accidentally attached itself to his private parts. That's Bear Grylls' Prawn Cocktail, tonight at 10.15.""

"Stephen Fry: "Later on Radio 4 we explore a prominent psychologist's take on the phallic nature of London's tallest building. That's Shard and Freud, later on Radio 4.""

"Stephen Fry: "And tomorrow on Radio 4, Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm asks 'can owning a sheepdog cure depression?' That's Mel and Collie, later on Radio 4.""

"Pippa Evans: "Richard Hammond travels round Britain to celebrate our seaside towns. That's Top Pier.""