"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude of 33 thousand feet... 33 THOUSAND FEET? Oh shoot, man! We flyin' higher than Redman at the Source Awards!"

"I'm a player, but I don't play that way!"

"[looking into the cockpit] This is some cool shoot, fit for a real nerve."

"Gary Anthony Williams - Flame"

"Everybody! Top deck! Drinks on me!"

"You know hard it is to get 84 inch tires?!"

"[after seeing that business class has been turned into a casino] I'm going back to the front of the plane. When I get back, I want this to be business class."

"Sofía Vergara - Blanca"

"Testicles, 1, 2... Testicles, 1, 2. Hey y'all, what's crackalackin? This is your soul plane chauffeur Captain Antoine Mack speaking. Welcome aboard NWA flight 069 from the 310 to the 212. It's time to bust this coney y'all. In a hot second, I'll be hittin' them switches and gettin' this bitch pumpin' and jumpin'. So screw your shoot on tight and enjoy the flight."

"Sayed Badreya - Middle Eastern Passenger"

"It's not that Guantánamo Bay itself is funny, but it's utterly ridiculous for Harold and Kumar to be thrown in there."

"Our top priority was to make people laugh, but the secondary priority is that there's something a little smarter below the surface. I guess in a certain way it's our reaction to post-9/11 paranoia."

"Enough, Fox! I've had enough of your crap! You think that just because I'm smart, you can treat me like some dork in gym class? It's obvious these kids are innocent, but you're too dumb to realize that. You know, it's people like you who make the world think that Americans are stupid! WELL, WE'RE NOT STUPID!!! AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!!"

"[Last words] It's okay, guys. It's all over now. Everything's gonna be alright–"

"What in the nigger was that?"

"[Seeing Harold and Kumar in custody] North Korea and Al Qaeda working together. This is bigger than I thought."

"Hey, hey, hey, hey! Zip it, Hello Kitty, okay? I know your operation's funded through drugs."

"Derek, could I get another water– [Sees Harold and Kumar getting ready to jump out of the cargo plane] WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab and, like, stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?"

"[Last words] FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!"

"You guys wanna know something real fucked up and awesome that I did? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick!"

"Meet the smokeless bong"

"Ugh, smells like burnt asshole."

"Its not a bomb, its a bong"

"Dude, whats a blumpkin?"

"[Dressed in KKK clothes after coming to a KKK barbeque and was asked to say 1 racist thing you did in the week] I did knee an Indian guy in the balls."

"Jesus, Kumar. I don't like it so much."

"You fucking pissed on me, you racist fuck!"

"[Reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3'] I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sum, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed."

"[Discovers that Kumar has brought weed on the airplane] You brought weed on the fucking airplane?!"

"Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf!"

"Oh, yeah! Yeah, it's sweet! 'Cuz we're fugitives. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!"

"Dude, this chick is giving me such a boner. Its awesome!"

"His dick smells like shit dude!"

"Jason Schwartzman – Ringo Starr"

"Justin Long – George Harrison"

"Paul Rudd – John Lennon"

"Jack Black – Paul McCartney"

"Chris Parnell – Theo"

"Matt Besser – Dave"

"David Krumholtz – Schwartzberg"

"Tim Meadows – Sam"

"John C. Reilly — Dewey Cox"

"Kristen Wiig — Edith Madison Cox"

"Frankie Muniz – Buddy Holly"

"Jenna Fischer — Darlene Cox"

"Jack White – Elvis Presley"

"Burt Reynolds - Del Knox"

"Bonnie Somerville - Denise"