"Hey Phoebe! Phoebe? [[over intercom] Hey Phoebe. I just wanted to say that I love you and that everything is going to be okay. I mean, not perfect, obviously, but better. Like, we'll probably have to get a new house. And also cars. But I'm coming to get you and this will all be over. Soon-ish."

"Kristen Stewart - Phoebe Larson"

"Jesse Eisenberg - Mike Howell"

"Walton Goggins - Laugher"

"Lenny Clarke - Cop"

"Bobby Moynihan - himself"

"Curtis Stigers - Wedding singer"

"Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn"

"John Slattery - Shep Wild"

"Jay Leno - himself"

"Nana Visitor - Adoption agent"

"Tom Brady - himself"

"Sebastian Arcelus - Dr. Danzer"

"Giovanni Ribisi - Donny"

"Hey, fuck your Chrysler!"

"Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett"

"Amanda Seyfried - Samantha Jackson"

"Morgan Freeman - Patrick Meighan"

"Kate McKinnon - herself"

"Patrick Stewart - Narrator"

"Liam Neeson - Customer"

"Dennis Haysbert - Fertility doctor"

"Jessica Szohr - Allison"

"Tara Strong - Ted's "I Love You" function"

"Cocoa Brown - Joy"

"Taran Killam - himself"

"Patrick Warburton - Guy"

"Michael Dorn - Rick"

"Jimmy Fallon - Himself"

"Ralph Garman - Stormtrooper"

"Bill Smitrovich - Frank"

"John Carroll Lynch - Tom Jessup"

"Ron Canada - Judge Matheson"

"Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?"

"Sam J. Jones - himself"

"Jimmy Kimmel - himself"

"That’s him."

"No! No! I said no Electric Slide! Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!"

"Seth MacFarlane - Ted"

"Patton Oswalt as Larry Juston/Mall Santa"

"Eddie Kaye Thomas as Andy Rosenberg"