"Samantha has to nip out now to spend time with her new gentleman friend. They're going on a driving tour of Wales. She says he's looking forward to showing her Cardiff and Cardigan Bay, before going on to Bangor in the back of his van."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners will be impressed to learn that back in the 60's, Colin asked Mick Jagger and Keith Richard if he could take the place of Brian Jones. They said yes, and threw him in the swimming pool."

"As the wee-willy-winky of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity..."

"Barry Cryer: "The Sound of Mucus.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "If I'm a Celebrity, What am I Doing Here?""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Being John Craven.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Civiless in Seattle.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "All Quiet on the Front of Western.""

"Graeme Garden: "The Bourne Soup Recipe.""

"Graeme Garden: "One of Our Aircraft is Missing. Oh, No; Here It Is!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Joseph and His Quite Interesting Beige Pajamas.""

"Graeme Garden: "Edward Fingerhands.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Dial "M" for Customer Services.""

"Graeme Garden: "And those who enjoy Korean cooking, there's Rover.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Jellied wheels.""

"Barry Cryer: "Shakespeare in Hove.""

"Graeme Garden: "The Third Sense: I See Deaf People.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Groundhog Day 2.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "De-icer cream.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Carparkio of beef.""

"Barry Cryer: "Coq au white van.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Chili con car-key.""

"Barry Cryer: "Mange toot-toot.""

"Graeme Garden: "Spaghetti carburettor.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Roof rack of lamb.""

"Andy Hamilton: "Toad in the hole. Then out of the hole, then in the hole, then out of the hole...""

"Barry Cryer: "A full-bodied 69, you can keep your macon"."

"Jack Dee: "Aberdeen Angus underbelly with wild salmon top, after which you could have a sorbet.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A nice alternative to caesar salad is caesar melons!""

"Graeme Garden: "And there's Antony Worrall Thompson's crabs on ginger nuts!""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Coq in a vin.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Chicken in a gasket.""

"Graeme Garden: "And for Jewish travellers, unleaded bread, and that's to celebrate the Feast of the Overpass.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Texas Cold Sore Massacre.""

"Graeme Garden: "Moby Doris""

"Barry Cryer: "The Condom of the Opera""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Balshazzar's Sandwich""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "EM Forster's 'A Passage to Islington'""

"Graeme Garden: "Gibbon's Decline & Fall of the Hackney Empire""

"Willie Rushton: (on James Bond books) "'Casino Royale' has now become 'Bingo with Princess Michael', 'Thunderball' is 'Drizzle Pillock', 'Dr. No' is 'First aid kit in the boot, possibly', and my favourite I think is 'Octopussy' has become 'Unipart'.""

"Barry Cryer: "Winkles in cider.""

"Harry Enfield: "We'll send you a massive bill"

"Marcus Brigstocke: "About my trips I always crow"

"Willie Rushton: "Tadpole Dundee""

"Harry Enfield: "Come and buy a lovely vape"

"Miles Jupp: "Good news about your application"

"Lucy Porter: "No matter if you're on the dole"