"Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!"

"William Shatner: Hello, I'm William Shatner, and this is Celebrity 911. Tonight, we devote the entire hour to police calls involving James Caan ... (Makes a face and looks up to the ceiling) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha."

"Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end."

"Keanu Reeves: (In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?"

"Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)"

"Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah."

"Gene Shalit: (On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window."

"Satoshi, the Eater of Souls: Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul."

"Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D."

"From A Little Deb Will Do Ya"

"Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey."

"Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"

"Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh."

"Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough.""

"Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!"

"Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!"

"Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"

"Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!"

"Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance.""

"(Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!"

"I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir."

"Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!"

"(After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!"

"No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!"

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!"

"We raised a great kid."

"You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover."

"The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars."

"I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)"

"Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!"

"(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately."

"(To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?"

"Funny man!"

"I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job."

"Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement."

"Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak."

"Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick.""