"I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muck-raking scum! What you people did to poor Dan Quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all! Except for you good people at the New Yorker."

"I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with...but if you want to, you can come."

"The debutantes' ball is a Wigglesworth tradition! To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up and to drink so much you fall into a well. It's a magical night."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and Happy Birthday."

"(To her ex Johnny, after he wanted to say goodbye before leaving) Aww, that's so sweet. Before you left, I wanted to say "Get bent.""

"Debutante balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. Mom just gave me your old room. Um ... do you still want this Leif Garrett poster?"

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?"

"Great, welcome to our crappy family."

"Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him."

"It's okay Dad, money's not important."

"When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you."

"This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!"

"And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!"

"(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a."

"(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!"

"Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?"

"I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!"

"(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie."

"(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too."

"I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week."

"(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"

"(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!"

"I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?"

"I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful."

"Howard Morris as Flem."

"Dee Bradley Baker as Dad."

"Candi Milo as Mom and Teacher."

"Dan Castellaneta as Earl."

"Jess Harnell as Cerberus (from pilot)"

"Charlie Adler as Cow; Chicken; The Red Guy."

"Brendan Fraser as Boneless Chicken."