"(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?""

"Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York."

"It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!"

"I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum."

"(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience."

"Kiss my surprisingly firm butt."

"(Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven."

"(Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?"

"(On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me."

"(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire."

"What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!"

"Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!"

"Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!"

"Make him SQUEAL!"

"(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!"

"(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe."

"That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!"

"I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kanes last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!""

"(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?"

"Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)"

"Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there."

"So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots."

"I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."

"Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!"

"Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal."

"So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder."

"Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!"

"(On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes."

"Why the hell do you have to be so critical?"

"(While watching the Pulitzer Prize ceremony) This is the worst production of Porgy and Bess I’ve ever seen."

"Hey, hey, hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?"

"Keep it down Son. I'm trying to make it rain Harvey's Bristol Cream."

"Son loves Mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants."

"I’m not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I’m not wearing pants."

"(Watching Jay on TV) On this TV, I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. (Puts his foot over Jay's nose) Look, see? Isn't that incredible?"

"I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Pickalini."

"(Dressed up as the Energizer Bunny) 48 hours and still going!"

"If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot."

"Happy 1937 everybody!"

"Now, who wants to boogie with baby '37?"

"Forget the rivets, darling, Crazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's crazy!!!"

"I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!"

"I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies, the balloon doggies demanded it!"

"Oh, Son. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times ... who are all you people?"

"(To a penguin pilot when their plane goes down) No I will not pray with you!"

"(Goes to the cockpit of a plane and sees the pilot's a penguin) A penguin! And he's been drinking! Wait a minute... penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!"

"(Preparing for the vice presidential debate) Now let's rob that bank. (Puts a stocking on his head)"

"(Crashing through the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a helecopter) Take that Birth of Man!"

"(Driving through a Picaso painting) Take that Guernica!"

"(Imitating Julia Child) Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally with old spice."