"Nurse Packer: [reading from a note left by Doc Hogue] "When to call me, you've been stabbed, shot, poisoned, separated from an appendage, knocked or beaten unconscious, run over by a tractor mower, or generally about to bleed to death. Otherwise, leave me alone.""

"Woody Harrelson - Hank Gordon"

"Can't poop in this town without everybody knowin' what color it is."

"Well, nice work, Hollywood. You were just about to crack open the chest of a 6 year-old boy to cure a case of diarrhea. Now,listen up smart ass. Next time I tell you how to treat a patient of mine, you'd better damn well do it, doctor. I doubt you'd know crap from Crisco."

"Bridget Fonda - Nancy Lee Nicholson"

"[while being examined] Check Hollywood for knives. I don't want him operating in case I sneeze or something."

"I'm in the Twilight Zone."

"[to Nurse Packer] Okay, let's get something straight right now. I got eight years of higher education. I got one year of internship, I got one year of residency. I'm 70,000 dollars in debt. Now I'm waylaid in this heehaw hell, and you insist on clocking me in and out like I'm some kind of factory worker? Well no! N-O,no! This is where I draw the line."

"Beverly Hills. The most beautiful women in the world. Plastic surgery. What do those three things have in common? Me, in less than a week."

"[to Dr. Hogue] Listen doctor, I've got a boy here in cardiac crisis. You can't treat that with Coca-Cola or Bisquick. We're gonna have to use real medicine this time. Now I'm sending him to Athens General. You're his regular fucking doctor, you get your fat ass out of bed, get down there and go with him."

"[to Dr. Stone, after skinny-dipping in the lake] You can blink now."

"Roberts Blossom - Judge Evans"

"Barnard Hughes - Dr. Aurelius Hogue"

"David Ogden Stiers - Mayor Nick Nicholson"

"Frances Sternhagen - Lillian"

"Christina Cole - Charlotte Warren"

"Stephanie Cole - Miss Holt"

"Tom Payne - Phil Goldman"

"Mark Strong - Nick Calderelli"

"Amy Adams - Delysia Lafosse"

"Lee Pace - Michael Pardew"

"[After Guinevere confesses her 'pretending'] Guinevere, Sarah Grubb is not going to judge anybody for 'pretending'."

"One picks up a few tricks in prison, breaking and entering being one of them."

"Shirley Henderson - Edythe Dubarry"

"Frances McDormand - Guinevere Pettigrew"

"I have no one. I am not an expert on love, I am an expert on the lack of love, Delysia, and that is a fate from which I wish more fervently to save you."

"Your heart knows the truth, Delysia. Trust it, for life is short."

"Not everything comes along just when we want it. There are times when decisions just have to be made, or you certainly will miss out."

"Phil's a theatre producer! Well, his father is. Phil's got his first show on at the Ambassador, and I've got the lead. Well, I'm pretty sure I have now. [Holds up lingerie and giggles]"

"Men are so untrusting. I can't think why"

"Ciarán Hinds - Joe Blomfield"

"You people, with your green drinks and your parties and your subterfuges! You're all playing at love. One minute her, the next minute someone else, flit, flit, flit! We'll, I'm not playing. Love is not a game."

"Look chicks are like hunters, man. They want to bag a lion or a bear, something really hard to catch. And along comes Dave, you know, and you're like this affectionate little puppy. You're cute, but you're way too easy to catch and that bores them and with chicks, boredom equals death, man. You can't bore them. - Dex"

"Don't pretend. Just really let go of your desire. - Dex"

"Have you ever noticed how at the beginning of a relationship, right, a guy will do just about anything with his girlfriend because just the thought of seeing her naked gets him excited about going to the opera. - Dex"

"I'm not looking for enlightenment, Dex. I'm looking for a girlfriend—that’s it. - Dave // It's all connected. - Dex"

"Getting out of that category of friend is harder than getting out of Alcatraz. - Dex"

"You have to do something excellent in her presence thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness. - Dex"

"Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler. He did a lot. But don't we all wish he woulda just stayed home and gotten stoned? - Dex // Oh, I see. So you're only options are to get stoned or commit genocide? - Syd"

"Don Giovanni slept with thousands of women because he was afraid he wouldn't be loved by one. - Syd"

"You must learn to eliminate your desire. - Dex"

"If you're out with this girl and you're even thinking about getting laid, you're finished. Because women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe. - Dex"

". . . when I'm hanging out with a woman, that's all I'm doing is hanging out—talking, listening. I'm not sitting there thinking about how to get in bed with her and this completely confuses them, because they're saying, "Wait a minute. I'm so much better looking than this guy. Isn't he attracted to me?" The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us. - Dex"

"Act like a woman can't join your club and she'll do almost anything to get in. - Friend of Dex's"

"And that takes us to Part III of the Tao of Steve, okay? Alright, after you've eliminated your desire, and after you've been excellent in her presence, then you must retreat. Okay? - Dex"

"Both men and women want to have sex. It's natural, except we're on different timetables. Women want to have sex, like, y'know, fifteen minutes after us, so alright, if you hold out for twenty she'll be chasing you for five. - Dex"