"Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work...'My back hurts,' 'my legs ache,' [pauses for a second] 'I'm only four!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better!"

"Promo Announcer: The night the reindeer died!"

"Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes, you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention!"

"Elliot Loudermilk: Hello wabbit."

"James Cross: [last lines] My brother, The King of Christmas."

"Carol Kane - Ghost of Christmas Present"

"Ghost of Christmas Past: [after driving harmlessly through a van] GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON! [laughs]"

"The bitch hit me with a toaster! I love a girl with spirit."

"[confronted by the ghost of his old boss] No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl."

"That happened because it's Christmas Eve, I'm telling you! I'm not crazy. It's Christmas Eve! It's, it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we, we, we smile a little easier, we, w-w-we, we, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be! It's a miracle, it's really a sort of a miracle, because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. I know what I'm talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having, having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, and there are people that are cold. You can go out and say 'hello' to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say 'here.' You can make 'em a sandwich, and say 'Oh, by the way, here!' I get it now! And if you, if you give, then you, then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's, it's everybody that's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this pure thing, you'll, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow! You won't be one of these bastards who says, 'Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud.' It's not! It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling! And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! I believe in it now. I believe it's gonna happen to me now. I'm ready for it! And it's great! It's a good feeling. it's, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I'm, I'm, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody."

"Can we look at something else? Oh look. There's a gorilla climbing that building."

"What is this? Trump Tower?"

"Jim Ford as Criminal Stuck in chimney (uncredited)"

"Arne Starr as Court Supporter (uncredited)"

"Becky and Jessie O'Donohue as Donna and Darla"

"David Spade as Transvestite Groupie (uncredited)"

"Rob Schneider as Asian Minister (uncredited)"

"Jamie Chung as Hooters Girl"

"Dennis Dugan as Cab Driver"

"Tila Tequila as Hooters Girl"

"Rob Corddry as Jim the Protestor"

"Blake Clark as Crazy Homeless Man"

"Jonathan Loughran as David Nootzie"

"Dan Patrick as New York Cop"

"Cole Morgen as Eric Valentine, Larry’s son and Chuck’s stepson"

"Shelby Adamowsky as Tori Valentine, Larry’s daughter and Chuck’s stepdaughter"

"Peter Dante as Tony Paroni"

"Allen Covert as Steve"

"Mary Pat Gleason as Teresa"

"Rachel Dratch as Sara Powers"

"Lance Bass as Bandleader"

"Matt Winston as Glen Aldrich"

"Steve Buscemi as Clinton Fitzer"

"Dan Aykroyd as Captain Phineas J. Tucker"

"Nick Swardson as Kevin McDonough, Alex’s brother and Fred’s husband"

"Nicholas Turturro as Renaldo Pinera"

"Richard Chamberlain as Councilman Banks"

"Dave Matthews as Salesman"

"They're as straight as can be, but don't tell anyone."

"How far would you go for a friend?"

"And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people."

"Chuck has just found the perfect girl. Too bad he's agreed to marry his best friend."

"Whenever, whatever. That's the code."

"[When Chuck says he and Larry have always been together, in reference to their shifts in the fire department] So were my balls. Now I only have one of them."

"Adam Sandler as Charles Todd "Chuck" Levine, Larry’s husband and Eric & Tori’s stepfather"

"If these two men are gay then I'm a one-legged parrot. Anybody see me with a crutch and a cracker?"

"Gentlemen, I have a very simple policy. What you shove up your ass is your own business."

"Kevin James as Lawrence Arthur "Larry" Valentine, Chuck’s husband and Eric & Tori’s father"

"Jessica Biel as Alex McDonough"