"Why would a review make the point of saying someone's not a genius? You think I'm especially not a genius? [Pause] You didn't even have to think about it, did you?"

"Let's shag ass."

"He looks pretty good for a suicide. Attempted, anyway."

"I'm not talking about dance lessons. I'm talking about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield. I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up."

"Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hitting the cemetery?"

"Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine."

"Alec Baldwin - Narrator"

"Danny Glover - Henry Sherman"

"[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show."

"[after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"[To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!"

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talkin’ out of my ass, or stickin’ my hand in it."

"[about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."

"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy."

"Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning"

"Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah"

"Stan Lee - Himself"

"Ethan Suplee - Willam Black"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner"

"Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton"

"Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning"

"Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce"

"Jeremy London - T.S. Quint"

"Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier"

"Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!"

"It's mall or nothing"

"Get Malled"

"They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there."

"[referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro."

"[Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans."

"Jean Adair — Aunt Martha Brewster"

"Edward McWade - Mr. Gibbs (final film role)"

"Garry Owen - Taxi Cab Driver"

"Chester Clute - Dr. Gilchrist"

"Vaughan Glaser - Judge Cullman (final film role)"

"Edward Everett Horton - Mr. Witherspoon"

"Grant Mitchell - Reverend Harper"

"John Alexander - Uncle "Teddy" Brewster"

"Priscilla Lane - Elaine"

"Peter Lorre - Dr. Einstein"

"Raymond Massey - Jonathan Brewster (part played by Boris Karloff in the Broadway production)"

"Josephine Hull — Aunt Abby Brewster"

"Cary Grant — Mortimer Brewster"

"I shall be in my office vetoing some bills."

"(when told that his "term of office" is over) Is this March the 4th? (Mortimer: Practically.)"

"CHAAARGE!!!"

"Who do I look like, Boris Karloff?"