"(guess I'm not high enough to get that one) You know what else you're not gonna get, party pooper? The Colonel! Here you go, sweetie. [gruff voice] Sucks to be you, nerd!"

"Who wants some cereal? (yeah Colonel Crackers is the best) Oh, I just wish he would hop off the box and hang out with us. I think he's so cute!"

"I can hear my hair growing."

"[Responding to Grandpa having a few beers at the party, if he was alive] He would have had twenty! No, he had a problem..."

"[playing video game] Uh-uh, wait your turn. I'm on a roll here. Take that, you dirty dopers!"

"I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass, until I came upon a dead elk, and I climbed into his soul, and it's there I stayed until morning, which meant I will underestimate someone very close to me."

"Oh, ok, ok... Fair enough, yeah, rage it up. Rage all you want. Good things are coming. Good things."

"I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean... And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one...which meant - good things are coming. Good things."

"Later you guys!"

"It's a wonderful dandelion/nettle blend. Very cleansing. Good for new beginnings."

"I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it."

"All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one. But I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk."

"You will never have metal legs."

"[robot voice, in dismay] SAMANTHA is fucking ALEX!"

"[when Alex asks him how his game is going that he is developing] People will bow to it."

"[robot voice] Must ingest more fuel."

"[robot voice] I want you to drink from my man faucet."

"[robot voice] Please sit on my face."

"[robot voice] I am not amused."

"[robot voice] I hate your face!"

"I want to get you a black cobra just to go around the neck..."

"You would if you had robot ears."

"It's the future of gaming."

"Does it scare you, Kain?"

"But underneath this genius...I'm simply a human. You know. But I'm working on that."

"How can he see me?"

"Oh, yeah... Careful is my middle name, heh. Actually, it's not, it's Philip. [sobs]"

"[robot voice] Adiós, turd nuggets."

"I love my turtle."

"Hello? ...Cool. I hope it's a naked dude with a boner."

"Fruitcup? Nice. Way to go, Mom!"

"Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, cornbread."

"Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah... [news anchor voice] "A little Hiroshima on my balls.""

"Let's fucking rage!"

"Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!"

"Dude, we were just kidding, JP. [mimicking JP's Robot voice] Don't be mad at us!"

"Okay, so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression."

"Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to shit in a plant?"

"Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandmother and her two roommates? That's like, legendary!"

"That's cool...if you wanna be sober and vomit."

"What does "high score" mean? "New high score." Is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?"

"Let's do it. The levels, I mean, not sex."

"[Mimicking J.P.] My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina."

"Your shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!"

"Oh, I started a fight club."