"Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger Debris, in an elegant eastside townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Who may I say is calling? [Got angry] Listen, you broken down old queen, he was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky, don't ever call here again! [Roger in other room] Who was that!? Wrong number!"

"[When he answers the door] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss? Max: I- Carmen Ghia: Ssssssss?"

"May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?"

"Roger, We're not alone..."

"And so the rule is, when mounting a... play. Keep it sunny, keep it funny, keep it gay."

"Carmen,call in a singing Hitler,please."

"I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!"

"[sung] I'm the German Ethel Merman don't cha know?!"

"[singing] I see a line of beautiful girls dressed as stormtroopers each one a gem. With leather boots and whips on their hips. It's risque, dare I say, S&M! I see German soldiers dancing through France played by chorus boys in very tight pants. And wait there's more! THEY WIN THE WAR! And the dances they do will be daring and new. Turn turn kick turn, turn turn kick turn, one two three kick turn! Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it gay."

"[sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger no one more obscurer. Got a phone call from the Reichstag told me I was Führer. Germany was blue What, oh, what to do? Hitched up my pants and conquered France. Now Deutschland's smiling through! It ain't no mystery if it's politics or history. The thing you've got to know is everything is showbiz!"

"[singing] Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!"

"Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat!"

"You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day."

"Quick darling, back in the closet!"

"[signing his name] Roger Elizabeth DeBris!"

"[To Leo] Well, you know what they say: "smile and the world smiles with you." [to bust] This man should be in a straightjacket!"

"I shall have to think about it - I'll do it."

"[Whispered at the end of the credits] Don't forget to buy... Mein Kampf... in paperback... available near you... at Border's Books... or Barnes & Noble... und Amazon.com... guten tag."

"That's because you were taken in by the BBC! FILTHY BRITISH LIES! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! BLEUGH! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!"

"Gott in Himmel!"

"Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was a terrific dancer."

"Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was descended from a long line of English kveens."

"AQAP! [pause] As kvick as possible!"

"Zis man could never play Adolf Hitler! Ze Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! Ze Führer was BUTCH! And zat is not how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'! Zis is how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'!"

"I must tell my birds!"

"There's a lot more to you than there is to you! [mouthed] What the fuck?"

"I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodeling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay - WHO ARE YOU!?!"

"Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!"

"[Finding Max and Leo under a desk] You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies! I am going to show you how to die like a man! [points gun at self, attempts to shoot three times but is unsuccessful] Boy, when things go wrong. [throws gun on couch, shot fires]"

"Zis is no good! I'm not killing anyone!"

"Stop moving! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?!"

"Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!"

"I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock splashes him with a glass of water) ... I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock then slaps him) ...I'M IN PAIN! I'M IN PAIN AND I'M WET AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL!"

"[Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him] You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME! [Max jumps in place, screaming "I'm not gonna jump on you - get a hold of yourself!]"

"MY BLUE BLANKET! GIVE ME BACK MY BLUE BLANKET!! AAAAARGH!"

"You were right about one thing. You are a CPA - a certified public asshole!"

"I'm not going into the toilet! I'm going into show business!"

"Stop the world! I wanna get on!"

"Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgement. You've mistaken me for someone with a spine."