"[To Peter Saville, about the tickets to the opening night of the Haçienda] They didn't hand out tickets to the Sermon on the Mount. People just turned up, they knew it was a good gig."

"[To Lindsay, who's breaking up with him after Ian Curtis's death] Energy, energy? You don't know what energy is. That is nothing more than a lot of new age hokum masquerading as spirituality."

"[When catching Lindsay having sex with Howard Devoto out of spite] I only got a blowjob. That's full penetration."

"[After Lindsay storms off when catching him with the prostitute; to Lindsay] I love you! [To the prostitute] Can you finish me off?"

"[When caught receiving an act of oral sex from a prostitute by his wife Lindsay] It's not what it looks like, love!"

"[First address to camera; after his hang-gliding news report] You’re gonna be seeing a lot more of that sort of thing in the film. All of that actually did happen. Obviously, it’s symbolic. It works on both levels. I don’t want to tell you too much, don’t want to spoil the film. But I’ll just say, "Icarus." OK? If you know what I mean, great. If you don’t, doesn’t matter. But you should probably read more."

"[first lines] Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's the latest craze sweeping the Pennines. I've got to be honest with you... right now I'd rather be sweeping the Pennines."

"Jason Lee - Lance Dowds"

"HOOP-LA!! HOOP-LA!!"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Trevor Fehrman - Elias"

"Rosario Dawson - Becky"

"Jeff Anderson - Randal"

"Brian O'Halloran - Dante"

"[After walking in on Kelly's donkey show, becoming completely transfixed on the show] I'm disgusted, I'm repulsed... and I can't look away."

"I'm telling you this only because I'm your friend... Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth."

"At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!"

"I hope that donkey doesn't have a hiney troll."

"What's sexier than an elf princess's sword?"

"That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey."

"[To camera, ạpplyịṇg w:Lịp Bạlm] Would you fuckme, I'd fuck me."

"[Hanging out with Bob] I'm fucking bored, man."

"[from an alternate introduction to the characters] Ooh, I fucking hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole 'not talking' shit's getting old. It didn't matter when I was high, 'cause I'd just imagine you were talking in my head, like The Shining and shit, son. Like The Shining and shit. 'Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you fucking faggot, I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." [Silent Bob rolls his eyes] "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little cock in me without me noticing, but that shit's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and shit...like your mom's puss. [pause] That is, unless you got a joint? [Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise] Ooh! Ooh, Motherfucker! You're SO fucking lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little BITCH!"

"You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and fuck it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once.""

"What'd you do that for?! You realise he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?"

"You never go ass to mouth!"

"Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me."

"You're my best friend and I love you, in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me."

"All right look, there's only one "Return", okạy, and it ain't of the King. It's of the Jedi."

"What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?"

"Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-fucking-Frank can see that she's nuts about him—God knows why. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass."

"So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together? That's weird, man. I thought you were the only guy in the world who got me and had my back, the only person who'd take a bullet for me, 'cause I assumed you felt the same way about me the same way I feel about you. Then all of the sudden one day you're like, "I'm movin'. Bye." Do you know what that's been like for me? I'm lookin' at a future that just sucks cause you aren't gonna be in it anymore. And you're not even throwin' me over for a life that means something to you. It's just a stupid, hollow existence you think you should embrace because you're getting old or something, because it's the life everyone else goes after. You're a fucking drone, dude."

"One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sake! Criminology! Who the fuck were we studying to be; Batman?"

"Bill Irwin - Ham Gravy"

"Donovan Scott - Castor Oyl"

"Roberta Maxwell - Nana Oyl"

"MacIntyre Dixon - Cole Oyl"

"Donald Moffat - The Taxman"

"Linda Hunt - Mrs. Oxheart"

"Richard Libertini - George W. Geezil"

"Paul Dooley - J. Wellington Wimpy"

"Paul L. Smith - Bluto"

"Ray Walston - Poopdeck Pappy"

"Shelley Duvall - Olive Oyl"

"Robin Williams - Popeye the Sailor"

"Haves a happy holiday wit me an' Olive!"

"Blow me down! It's comink for Christmas!"

"The sailor man with the spinach can!"

"Nana Oyl: I don't know...Captain Bluto has the patience of Jobe! Or is it Job? Well, he certainly has a nice job. Jobe."