"[to Mark] You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole."

"The internet isn't written in pencil, Mark. It's written in ink."

"A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? A billion dollars."

"A Stanford MBA named Roy Raymond wants to buy his wife some lingerie, but he's too embarrassed to shop for it at a department store. He comes up with an idea for a high end place that doesn't make you feel like a pervert. He gets a $40,000 bank loan, borrows another $40,000 from his in-laws, opens a store, and calls it Victoria's Secret. Makes a half million dollars his first year. He starts a catalog, opens three more stores, and after five years, he sells the company to Leslie Wexner and the Limited for four million dollars. Happy ending, right? Except two years later, the company's worth 500 million dollars, and Roy Raymond jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge. Poor guy just wanted to buy his wife a pair of thigh highs."

"Erica Albright's a bitch. Do you think that's because her family changed their name from Albrecht, or do you think that's because all BU girls are bitches? For the record, she may look like a 34C, but she's getting all kinds of help from our friends at Victoria's Secret. She's a 34B as in barely anything there. False Advertising."

"Lindsay Lohan - April Booth"

"[pretending to speak Russian] D-d-do svidanya! Do svidanya! Martina Navratilova... "Smirnoff Ice"... Priviet! Na zdorovie!"

"[upon seeing their hotel for the first time in years] Muthafucka."

"It must be some kind of hot tub time machine... [deadpans into camera]"

"[on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?"

"Enrique fuckin' Iglesias!"

"Maybe what you need isn't in here. Maybe what you need has been in here all along."

"[to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!"

"If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick."

"Why don't you shut your slut mouth and mind your own fucking business?"

"Here's a question: Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question: Do I give a fuck?"

"[trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence] Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! I'm fucking Adam's sister! Dropping loads! So much fucking semen! Little Tiny Jacobs!"

"Okay, lay down. We got a stupid baby to make."

"God, relax. It's like you've haven't seen a little cum on your friend's face before."

"It's called male bonding, okay? Haven't you even seen Wild Hogs'?"

"I wanna fuck something!"

"[to Jacob, while Lou is shocked that the former does not have ritalin] Don't fuckin' lie to me. Every one of you people have ritalin."

"Outta my way stool"

"[to Lou] I knew I hated you for a reason! I'm gonna tell everyone in prison I went back in time to kill my own father!"

"[about Blaine] Hey look, it's the douchebag from Karate Kid 3."

"[from trailer] Do I really gotta be the asshole who says we got in this thing and went back in time?"

"Nimród Antal - Booth's bodyguard #1"

"Cheryl "Chin" Cunningham - Torrez' henchwoman"

"Tito Larriva - Culebra Cruzado"

"Alicia Marek - June Booth"

"Juan Gabriel Pareja - Rico"

"Mayra J. Leal - Naked Girl"

"Electra and Elise Avellan - Nurses Mona and Lisa"

"Felix Sabates - Doctor Felix"

"Billy Blair - Billy, Von Jackson's henchman."

"Tom Savini - Osiris Amanpour"

"Ara Celi - Reporter"

"Gilbert Trejo - Jorge"

"Daryl Sabara - Julio"

"Shea Whigham - Sniper"

"Don Johnson - Von Jackson"