"[Ghostface: Do you like scary movies?] What's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It's insulting."

"[Billy: Hello?] [as Ghostface] Are you alone in the house? [Billy: Bitch! You bitch! Where the fuck are you?!] Not so fast. We're gonna play a little game. It's called [normal voice] "Guess Who Just Called the Police and Reported Your Sorry Motherfucking Ass"! [Billy: Find her, you dipshit! Get up!] [Stu: I can't, Billy. You already cut me too deep. I think I'm dying here, man.] [Billy: [puts phone on Stu and whispers] ] [Stu: Hello?] Ohh, Stu, Stu, Stu. What's your motive? Billy's got one. The police are on their way. What are you going to tell them? [Stu: Peer pressure. I'm far too sensitive.] [Billy: We'll rip you up, you bitch, just like your fucking mother!] You've gotta find me first, you pansy-ass mama's boy!"

"You sick fucks. You've seen one too many movies!"

"I'm sorry if my traumatized life is an inconvenience to your perfect existence."

"Would you settle for a PG-13 relationship?"

"[after dragging out Sidney's beaten, bound, and gagged father] What's behind door number three, Sidney?"

"See, it's a fun game, Sidney. We ask you questions and if you get one wrong, boo-gah, you die."

"I will totally protect you. Yo, I am so buff, I got you covered, girl."

"[after he finds that Gale has stolen the gun] Um, Houston, we have a problem!"

"[after Billy compares Sidney's mother to Sharon Stone.] We put her out of her misery, 'cause, let's face it, Sid, your mother was no Sharon Stone!"

"[with knife at Sheriff Teasle's neck] I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me. Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe. Let it go. Let it go."

"Brian Dennehy - Sheriff Will Teasle"

"Richard Crenna - Col. Samuel Trautman"

"Sylvester Stallone - John Rambo"

"A one man war."

"This time he's fighting for his life."

"One war against one man."

"David L. Crowley - Deputy Shingleton"

"David Caruso - Deputy Mitch"

"Alf Humphreys - Deputy Lester"

"Chris Mulkey - Deputy Ward"

"Michael Talbott - Deputy Balford"

"Jack Starrett - Deputy Sgt. Arthur Galt"

"Bill McKinney - State Police Capt. Dave Kern"

"Ma, you gonna make me swallow my tongue!"

"Bess Meisler as Yiayia"

"Stavroula Logothettis as Athena"

"Louis Mandylor as Niko "Nick" Portokalos"

"Andrea Martin as Aunt Voula"

"Lainie Kazan as Maria Portokalos"

"Michael Constantine as Kostas "Gus" Portokalos"

"John Corbett as Ian Miller"

"Nia Vardalos as Toula Portokalos"

"Nick: I've never seen my sister this happy, Ian. [serious] If you hurt her, I'll kill you and make it look like an accident."

"Greek School Teacher: Ο Νίκος έχει ένα κατσίκι. (Nikos has one goat.)"

"[to Toula] I gave you life so that you could live it."

"[after Athena offers to buy her some new pantyhose] No queen size, they make me look fat."

"[to young Nick] Niko! Don't play with your food! When I was your age, we didn't have food!"

"[To Maria and Toula] It is mistake to educate women but, nobody listen to me cause now we have a boyfriend in the house! Is he nice Greek boy? Oh no no Greek! No Greek xeno! Xeno with the long hair on top of his head!"

"[at the wedding reception] Hello. Welcome to the Portokalos family and welcome the-the Miller family. I-I was thinking last night, um, the night before my-my daughter was gonna marry, uh, I-an Miller, that, um, you know, the root of the word Miller is a Greek word. Miller come from the Greek word "milo", which is mean apple, there you go. As many of you know, our name Portokalos is come from the Greek word "portokali", which means orange. So, okay, here tonight we have, uh, apple and orange... we all different, but, in the end, we all fruit."

"[to Ian's parents] Welcome to my home. Over here is my brother, Ted, and his wife, Melissa, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Over here, my brother Tommy, his wife Angie, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. And here, my brother George, his wife Freda, and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick. Taki, Sophie, Kari, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, uh, Nikki, and I am Gus."

"Toula, there's two kinds of people: Greeks and everybody else who wish they were Greeks."

"[seeing herself in her wedding gown for the first time] I'm a snow beast!"

"[narrating] Nice Greek girls who don't find a husband work in the family restaurant. So here I am, day after day, year after year, thirty and way past my expiration date."

"[narrating] My dad believed in two things: That Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek and that any ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy could be cured with Windex."

"[narrating] In Greek school, where I learned valuable lessons such as: "If Nick has one goat and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?""