"Now you listen to me, Herbie, and you listen good. Now, you and I did not come out of mothballs to be the laughingstock of the continent. Either get the lead out of your pants right now, or I’m gonna ship you back to the States, have you stuffed and hung on a wall in Retirement Village!"

"Liam Dunn - Doctor"

"Chuck McCann - Loostgarten"

"Goldie Hawn - Gwen Duncle/Buckley/Phillips"

"Steve Martin - Newton Davis"

"Dana Delany - Becky Metcalf"

"She's turning his house into a home...hers!"

"Donald Moffat - George Davis"

"She came. She saw. She moved in."

"Julie Harris - Edna Davis"

"Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit."

"What do you say, Gwen? "Gwen" do you get off... and "gwhere" can we "gwo"?"

"I don't want your money. I will take the furniture, though."

"Half the things we tell ourselves are fiction."

"I really didn't intend for it to get this elaborate, it's just that everyone around here keeps treating me like I'm somebody... except you."

"Oh, grow feathers and go shit in a tree."

"Marty: What are you, insane? Why didn't you just kick him in the balls and tell him he has ugly children?"

"Peter MacNicol - Marty"

"Richard B. Schull - Ralph/Bernie Duncle"

"Ken Cheeseman - Harv"

"Roy Cooper - Winston Moseby"

"Christopher Durang - Reverend Lipton"

"Laurel Cronin - Mary / Mary Duncle"

"Liza Lapira - Liz"

"Josh Groban - Richard"

"Richard Steven Horvitz - Hardware Store Assistant"

"Julianna Guill - Madison"

"John Carroll Lynch - Bernie Riley"

"Beth Littleford - Claire Riley"

"Marisa Tomei - Kate Tafferty"

"Joey King - Molly Weaver"

"Karolina Wydra - Jordyn"

"Kevin Bacon - David Lindhagen"

"This Is Love"

"Steve Carell - Cal Weaver"

"Ryan Gosling - Jacob Palmer"

"This Is Stupid"

"Is this some kind of a skit? Because I'm lost."

"You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they're both wearing - I think it stands for "asshole." Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I'm sorry about all the "assholes.""

"This Is Crazy"

"Julianne Moore - Emily Weaver"

"Emma Stone - Hannah Weaver"

"Analeigh Tipton - Jessica Riley"

"[to Jacob] Will you take off your shirt... fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!"

"Jonah Bobo - Robbie Weaver"

"I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one..."

"I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up."