"Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up like the stupid little twerp that you are. I was recreating what happened to me twenty years ago, man and boy."

"If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nuthin'. And books is the worst."

"[recreating the path to where the treasure is buried] Stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl, jump..."

"I'll kill anyone who get's in the way of me killing anyone."

"She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived."

"Swashbucklers, pirates, public floggings, saucy tarts, beggars, queens, & jolly rogers."

"A Wacky College Adventure"

"The most fun you'll ever have...in the dark"

"Mickey Rooney - Dingy Bell"

"Terry-Thomas - Mr. Hawthorne"

"Jimmy Durante - Smiler Grogan"

"Jonathan Winters - Lennie Pike"

"Buddy Hackett - Benjy Benjamin"

"Phil Silvers - Otto Meyer"

"Edie Adams - Monica Crump, Melville's wife"

"Dorothy Provine - Emmeline Marcus-Finch, J. Russell's wife"

"Everybody who's ever been funny is in it!"

"Ethel Merman - Mrs. Marcus, Emmeline's mother"

"It's The Biggest Entertainment Ever To Rock The Screen With Laughter!"

"Dick Shawn - Sylvester Marcus, Emmeline's brother"

"Spencer Tracy - Captain T. G. Culpepper"

"Milton Berle - J. Russell Finch"

"If ever this mad, mad, mad, mad world needed "It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world" it's now! (1970 reissue)"

"Sid Caesar - Melville Crump"

"We do this... and it's over."

"[to Jared] Last time you made chili and cornbread, you ex-girlfriend was on the island. And then the time before that, you brought home a pregnant, flea-infested, three-legged dog."

"Tyson Beckford - Primo"

"Javon Frazer - Danny"

"James Frain - Reyes"

"Jessica Alba - Samantha "Sam" Nicholson"

"Scott Caan - Bryce Dunn"

"Josh Brolin - Derek Bates"

"Hold your breath"

"Dwayne Adway - Roy"

"Paul Walker - Jared Cole"

"Ashley Scott - Amanda Collins"

"Winners make the rules and losers live by them."

"Temptation is bliss"

"Treasure Has Its Price."

"Ice Cube - Staff Sergeant Chief Elgin"

"Judy Greer - Cathy Daitch"

"They're deserters, rebels, and thieves, but in the nicest possible way."

"George Clooney - Major Archie Gates"

"Mark Wahlberg - Sergeant First Class Troy Barlow"

"In a war without heroes they are kings."

"Liz Stauber - Debbie Barlow"