"[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show."

"[after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"[To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!"

"[about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talkin’ out of my ass, or stickin’ my hand in it."

"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy."

"[after just witnessing the blinding light] Well I'll be hornswaggled! Did you see that little ole sky doggy zip down there, Pooh? [Looks at his comic]] Haley's Comet! And it's landed in our backyard! [Excitedly runs into his house to get his shovel, axe, and pick]] This is out lucky day! We gonna be rich! Pooh, we gonna be rich! Thousands of people are comin'! Gonna have hot dogs and helicopters and airplanes and tacos! This is our lucky day! Pooh, we gonna be rich!"

"Charles Chiodo - 'Klownzilla' the King Klown"

"Christopher Titus - Bob McReed"

"Royal Dano - Farmer Gene Green"

"Peter Licassi - Paul Terenzi"

"Michael Siegel - Rich Terenzi"

"John Vernon - Curtis Mooney"

"John Allen Nelson - Dave Hanson"

"Suzanne Snyder - Debbie Stone"

"Grant Cramer - Mike Tobacco"

"(from trailer) Killer Klowns From Outer Space...It's Crazy!"

"Big Top...Big Shoes...Big Teeth!!"

"Horrific Harlequins With An Appetite For Close Encounters!"

"Alien Bozos With An Appetite For Close Encounters."

"In Space, No One Can Eat Ice Cream!"

"Debbie Stone: Nobody's gonna put me in a balloon again!"

"Paul Terenzi: [as Jo-Jo The Ice Cream Clown] I'm Jo-Jo the ice cream clown with the bestest ice cream in town! We'll give you a stick, you'll give it a lick. And it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream! ice cream! We brought our goodies here to you! A tasty treat for while you screw! Let's take a break! Cool off those hot lips with our frozen fruity bars! Icy-Wicies, Fudgy-Wudgy bars. And everyone's frozen delight, the Lick-a-Stick!"

"Amusement Park Guard: What are ya gonna do with those pies, boys?"

"I'm supposed to read you your rights. But you're in Mooney's jail, and you ain't got no rights!"

"I made it through Korea I can make it through this bullshit!"

"They took your wife away in a balloon? Well you don't need the police, pal, you need a psychiatrist!"

"[Discovering Pooh has been dognapped] What in tarnation is going on here! Where's my dog?! Where's my Pooh Bear?! I'LL TEAR THIS THING APART WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!"

"[Encountering the Big Top] Well I'll be greased and fried! What in blue blazes is the circus doing here in these parts? I love the circus! Come on! Maybe we can get some free passes. [Noticing the purple lights on the tent's cables] I've never seen one that looked like this 'un before. Well... I don't know Pooh, you know there's something kinda peculiar around here. Where is everybody? There's nobody around. Where's the dang ticket booth? [A shadow from inside the tent follows them] How are we supposed to get in and see the show?"

"Shut up! It's daddy, fuckhead. Where's my bourbon?"

"Jack Harvey - Mr. Tom Beaumont"

"Frances Bay - Aunt Barbara"

"Priscilla Pointer - Mrs. Beaumont"

"George Dickerson - Det. John Williams"

"Brad Dourif - Raymond"

"Ken Stovitz - Mike"

"Dean Stockwell - Ben"

"Hope Lange - Mrs. Williams"

"Laura Dern - Sandy Williams"

"Dennis Hopper - Frank Booth"

"Kyle MacLachlan - Jeffrey Beaumont"

"Isabella Rossellini - Dorothy Vallens"

"In dreams, I walk with you. In dreams, I talk to you. In dreams, you're mine, all the time. Forever."

"HEINEKEN!? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!!"

"Fuck you, you fucking fuck! Fuck you, you fuck!"

"[to Jeffrey] Don't be a good neighbor to her. I'll send you a love letter straight from my heart, fucker. Do you know what a love letter is? It's a bullet from a fuckin' gun, fucker. If you receive a love letter from me, you are fucked forever. Do you understand, fuck? I'll send ya straight to Fuck, fucker!"

"All right. Let's hit the fuckin' road, we're givin' our neighbor a joy ride. Let's get on with it. Bye, Ben. Anyone, uh, want to go on a joy ride with us. [to Dorothy] How about you? Huh? Hey, no smile for Frank? No? OK. Fuck it. Let's go. Now it's dark. [shouting] Let's FUCK! I'll fuck anything that moves!"

"Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule."

"Kevin Smith — Silent Bob"

"Hey, try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!"