"Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah, I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny-looking fucker, I know, but you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing – it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone down the battlecruiser to watch the end of the football game. No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens, and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. "Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else!" Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, he picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, and plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. "That's fucking it," says the geezer. "That's fucking what?" says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won, too: four–nil."

"Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine."

"Luke Wilson - Richie Tenenbaum"

"Gwyneth Paltrow - Margot Tenenbaum"

"Anjelica Huston - Etheline Tenenbaum"

"Gene Hackman - Royal Tenenbaum"

"You Are Invited To A Remarkable Family Gathering."

"FAMILY ISN'T A WORD...IT'S A SENTENCE."

"The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight."

"Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular. Wildcat...pkow. Okay, I'm gonna go."

"Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't?"

"Why would a review make the point of saying someone's not a genius? You think I'm especially not a genius? [Pause] You didn't even have to think about it, did you?"

"Let's shag ass."

"He looks pretty good for a suicide. Attempted, anyway."

"I'm not talking about dance lessons. I'm talking about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield. I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up."

"Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hitting the cemetery?"

"Prized Beagle - Buckley"

"Alec Baldwin - Narrator"

"Danny Glover - Henry Sherman"

"Bill Murray - Raleigh St. Clair"

"Owen Wilson - Eli Cash"

"Ben Stiller - Chas Tenenbaum"

"Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones"

"Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning"

"Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah"

"Stan Lee - Himself"

"Ethan Suplee - Willam Black"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner"

"Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton"

"Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning"

"Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce"

"Jeremy London - T.S. Quint"

"Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier"

"Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!"

"It's mall or nothing"

"Get Malled"

"They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there."

"[referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro."

"[Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans."