Grandma's Boy

"Oh! Oh! Oh my God! I'm sorry, I can't stop cumming, I'm sorry! Oh-ho-ho, it feels so good!"

"Jonny...? Who the fuck is Jonny?"

"Hey JP, that's a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in the Matrix?"

"My grandma drank all my pot."

"Dude, your bed's a car."

"At least I have a bush!"

"You can't get stoned and be an accountant, you make too many mistakes, you lose people millions of dollars, you get fired."

"Dude, you do know that lions eat deer, right?"

"Don't judge me, monkey!"

"[to J.P. after exiting Samantha's office] You're fuckin' weird, man."

"I didn't wanna disturb you. You were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth."

"Yeah, I know...west west, yo."

"Don't slit your wrists, Kane. I'm here."

"There was this fire...and I was trying to save it from this baby..."

"Yeah, it was my roommates, they're crazy. They tied me up. I was like one of those little calfs at the rodeo, all helpless, and you know, right when I was about to call the police, I came...and that felt nice."

"Oh, yes! Finally, a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh my God, the wings to go with the breast. I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you, too."

"[while playing video game] This is like if Tyson fought an infant."

"Ooh, dinner time. Oh, Fuck! Damn! Cocksucking fucker ass fuck! Ohhh! Goddamn it!"

"Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear."

"I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in the world right now."

"You were a dirty old whore."

"My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I can talk to other car beds."

"I'll run over your attitude. It sucks."

"Line up, you fuckin' nerds. Who wants a shot at the champ?!"

"Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too. it's not grey."

"What's goin' on, shitlips?"

"What's up, Douche Bigalow?"

"You're dead to me, over."

"[sigh] I shoulda' worn a condom."

"That's great, Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so, you're dumb."

"Nice karma, Guy-Blow."

"I have to pee out of my ass."

"Wassup, Silver Fox?"

"Oh, I started a fight club."

"Your shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!"

"[To JP as he passes by] Hey look, it's Bono's brother!"

"[Mimicking J.P.] My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina."

"Let's do it. The levels, I mean, not sex."

"What does "high score" mean? "New high score." Is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?"

"That's cool...if you wanna be sober and vomit."

"Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandmother and her two roommates? That's like, legendary!"

"Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to shit in a plant?"

"Okay, so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression."

"Dude, we were just kidding, JP. [mimicking JP's Robot voice] Don't be mad at us!"

"Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!"

"Let's fucking rage!"

"Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah... [news anchor voice] "A little Hiroshima on my balls.""

"Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, cornbread."

"Fruitcup? Nice. Way to go, Mom!"

"[to children sitting at wedding reception table] So, you can't kill the demon at the end of level six? Do you have the magic arrows? Easy, here's what you do. Hide behind the boulder. When the demon comes out of the cave, shoot him three times with the magic arrows. Then his head will start to spin. Once that happens, you jump up on the boulder, you do a flying downward thrust with the sword of doom, and that's it - level six is done."