"For those of you who have been living under a rock...I am Gwendolyn James. I am the president of the PTA, but most importantly, I am the proud mommy to two beautiful daughters, Blaire and Gandhi. Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting to address an issue that radically affects the safety of our children. The bake sale."

"First of all, I just wanna say this, that I think that we, as moms, do way too much stuff. And if I'm elected, I promise you we are gonna do way less. [crowd cheers] Right? Less PTA meetings, less luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales, just less bullshit! [crowd cheers louder] Wait, wait, wait, wait. And I think that our kids need a break, too, you guys. Come on, now, school starts way too fucking early, okay? God, and they have way too much homework. I mean, our kids don't even have time to be kids anymore, am I right? And what is up with these five standardized tests a week? We should not be teaching our kids how to be good test-takers. We should be teaching them how to be good people! What is a standardized test? So, if you're a mom who's overworked, overstressed, or if you're just a mom who wants to do less...then just vote for me. [crowd cheers]"

"[to Kiki] Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget-slash-don't want to."

"I'm Amy Mitchell, and I'm a mom. I had my first kid when I was 20 years old, and I've been running late ever since. My days are filled with dropping the kids at school... Love you. ...then racing to work where I have meeting, after meeting, after meeting. I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk, and I try to work out once a week. [sighs] Why do I suck at Zumba? Most days, I race back to school for the kids' plays, and poetry readings and class projects...which I'm always late for. [mouthing] Sorry. And then there's PTA meetings, and volunteering and parent-teacher conferences. Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin' hates me. At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world, and I cry in my car. [wailing] Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons and soccer games and dance classes and doctors' appointments, before my daily trip to the grocery store. Ugh. This chick seems like she's got it all figured out. But I feel like I'm screwing up all the time. Still, I love being a mom."

"When I was in my twenties, I would just walk down the street and it would just be raining dicks wherever I went. It was just dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. It was, like, forecast, lot of cock!"

"David Walton - Mike Mitchell"

"Clark Duke - Dale Kipler"

"Wanda Sykes - Dr. Elizabeth Karl"

"Wendell Pierce - Principal Daryl Burr"

"Chris Rock - Mays Gilliam"

"Bernie Mac - Mitch Gilliam"

"Nick Searcy - Vice-President Brian Lewis"

"Jeremy Borash - Wrestling announcer"

"The only thing white is the House."

"Dylan Baker - Martin Geller"

"Tracy Morgan - Meat Hustler"

"Lynn Whitfield - Debra Lassiter"

"Stephanie March - Nikki"

"Keith David - Bernard Cooper"

"Robin Givens - Kim"

"James Rebhorn - Senator Bill Arnot"

"Tamala Jones - Lisa Clark"

"— Emily Elizabeth"

"— Mr. Tieran"

"Mr. Jarvis: [after Clifford saves him from falling] Your dog just saved my life!"

"Mr. Bridwell: [to Emily] Isn't technology amazing? People say it's quite like magic. So if you'll excuse me, I have some other people I need to help. After all, your not the only person in the world who "isn't" looking for a pet"

"— Mr. Packard"

"Jack Whitehall — Uncle Casey"

"This dog is killing me."

"People don't like things different. There are no other dogs like you."

"[Emily: Shouldn't we try to hide him, or something?] It's New York, no one will notice."