"Cookie: Another one of them new worlds. No beer, no women, no pool parlors, nothin'. Nothin' to do but throw rocks at tin cans, and we gotta bring our own tin cans."

"I am monitored to admit no one at this hour."

"If you do not speak English, I am at your disposal with 187 other languages along with their various dialects and sub-tongues."

"For your convenience, I am monitored to respond to the name "Robby"."

"Would 60 gallons be sufficient?"

"Quiet please. I am analyzing."

"Alta, about a million years from now the human race will have crawled up to where the Krell stood in their great moment of triumph and tragedy. And your father's name will shine again like a beacon in the galaxy. It's true, it will remind us that we are, after all, not God."

"I'm in command of 18 competitively selected super-perfect physical specimens with an average age of 24.6 who have been locked up in hyperspace for 378 days. It would have served you right if he ... they ... oh go on, get out of here before I have you run out of the area under guard — and then I'll put more guards on the guards."

"Guilty! Guilty! My evil self is at that door, and I have no power to stop it!"

"The fool, the meddling idiot. As though his ape's brain could contain the secrets of the Krell."

"Yes, a single machine, a cube 20 miles on each side."

"In times long past, this planet was the home of a mighty and noble race of beings which called themselves the Krell. Ethically, as well as technologically, they were a million years ahead of humankind. For in unlocking the mysteries of nature, they had conquered even their baser selves. And when in the course of eons they had abolished sickness, and insanity, and crime, and all injustice they turned, still with high benevolence, outward toward space. Long before the dawn of man's history, they had walked our Earth, and brought back many biological specimens. The heights they had reached... But then, seemingly on the threshold of some supreme accomplishment which was to have crowned their entire history, this all-but-Divine race perished in a single night. In the two thousand centuries since that unexplained catastrophe, even their cloud-piercing towers of glass, and porcelain, and adamantine steel have crumbled back into the soil of Altair IV, and nothing, absolutely nothing remains above ground."

"How ironic that a simple scholar, with no ambition, beyond a modest measure of seclusion, should out of the clear sky, find himself besieged by an army of fellow creatures, all grimly determined to be of service."

"Jeff: [to Grace] So I mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean, you saw a lotta stuff go down. World War I, World War II, the automobile, Tupac, I mean..."

"David Spade - Shiloh"

"Rob Schneider - Yuri"

"Kelvin Yu - Kane"

"Jonah Hill - Barry"

"Nick Swardson - Jeff"

"Doris Roberts - Grandma Lilly"

"Kevin Nealon - Mr. Cheezle"

"Joel Moore - J.P."

"Shirley Knight - Bea"

"Shirley Jones - Grace"

"Peter Dante - Dante"

"Allen Covert - Alex"

"Linda Cardellini - Samantha"

"Gamers, grannies and stoners unite!"

"Sex. Drugs. Nakedness. Rude language... And proud of it!"

"CAUTION: This film contains images and themes such as primates sipping herb, scantily clad women, scantily clad geriatrics, metal legs, sweet car beds, and a lot of dorks playing videogames. If any of these things "spark" your interest, we should definitely hang out this weekend. Enjoy the movie."

"A movie that proves you're never too old to come of age."

"Barry: [proudly] For 13 hours."

"[people clap]"

"Jeff: So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night."

"Grace: Not after I got through with him."

"Jeff: No way! Was he silent?"

"Grace: I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob."

"Let's make fun of the vegans and their crazy lifestyle. We're not hurting anybody. Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!"

"Welcome to Our Lady Health. My name's Shiloh, and I'll be serving you today."

"You were sweet."

"You said it wrong, stupid. It's Shiloh."

"I know the food doesn't sound good, but it tastes good, and is good for you."

"Yes, it sucks we don't have alcohol, but we do serve shots...of wheat grass."