Webcomics

"September 11, 2001 - A Failure of Conscience Buildings can be rebuilt, no matter what the size. The void in sky is not just the absence of buildings, but the loss of faith in the human conscience. We hold out hope that this, too, can be rebuilt."

"Dealing with the constant conflict between the time Megatokyo needs, the time my day job as an architect requires, and the small in-between moments that are left for Seraphim and myself... I won't lie, it's been a hard balancing act. But it's always been worth it, because i feel that Megatokyo is something to be proud of (even with all it's problems). Unfortunately, something happened Monday that changed this balance drastically... Monday afternoon I was laid off."

"There are no ski lifts in the world of creativity. You gotta haul your own ass up the slope every time you want to come back down it. It's not so bad, the more you climb up, the stronger you get, and the higher you can go, which makes for better runs."

"The world doesn't need more warm bodies, it needs happier people."

"Life is about contrast. You can usualy find humor in almost everything you do. Sometimes, things just aren't funny."

"What you say in the games is scripted, and the actions the protagonist takes are often things that a player might wish he'd do, but often never would in real life. Hell, just the act of talking to a girl, something that seems to happen in these games without thought, is something most players are almost incapable of doing. Add to that the fact that you are often dealing with several girls, all of whom you are chasing to one degree or another. Maybe the problem isn't that the situations in the games (lots of girls who may be interested in you) isn't phony, maybe it's the actions of the protagonist (guided by the player) that are the biggest fantasy of all."

"yknow, now that i think about it, the greeks were pretty Emo, weren't they?"

"I'm not negative, I just have a fail-friendly way of looking at the world."

"They don't build these things like they used to.. One stray H.E.A.T. round and down they go."

"She's not a person, Largo, she's a commodity. Be happy for her. At least commodities are worth something."

"All men are fanboys. You need to stop being so prissy and learn how to benefit from it."

"About Hentai: "Well, at least the monster seems to always make sure the girl's satisfied""

"This is my life. My game. My rules. If you want to be a part of it, you will respect that."

"Flight attendant: "Sir, please, it's against airline policy to use the headphone cord to strangle a fellow passenger." - "Just gimme five more minutes...""

"Flight attendant: "Does anyone here speak l33t?" - "j0""

"There it was! A AMD Athlon CPU that wasn't being overclocked! This was a crime! I felt that I had to right this injustice!"

"Ph34r my l33t n3kkid skillz!!!"

"But, we lack b33r. Ph34r my l4ck of b33r!"

"I am Great Teacher Largo!!!! Ph33r my l33t t34ching ski||z! Why? Why learn? Why submit yourself to Great Teacher Largo?? What is in it for you? I will tell you... Because knowl3dg3 is pow3r!!"

"Video games are a conduit for the soul. They expand our lives, channel our imagination, test our skillz. Games exist as a channel for the boundless energy of people all over the world. It is a medium you are incapable of understanding."

"There's something else... something about this place... something unusual... Oh yeah! I've never been in a girl's bathroom before! Cool!"

"To Erika: "Woah... you are r4ck3d! Hey, both of our roomies are totally wasted. Whaddya say...when we get to your place let me show you what l33t things I can do with your systemz. I kin mak3 em scr34m!""

"Ph33r this one, Piro. Ph34r with gr34t ph33r."

"It has a secret program of ultimate destruction. All Sonys do."

"Miho: "I wasn't aware the Tokyo Police employed uneducated, paranoid, delusional foreign delinquents." - "In my case, they made an exception.""

"Your game and your rules. But it doesn't mean I have to play."

"As Endgames Largo, having discovered a go-kart: "Wow, we don't even have to worry about fuel! It runs on fruit!""

"“There are many kinds of wounds. But to take damage from someone you trust…Betrayal is the deepest wound of all.”"

"Kimiko: "I've been a klutz all evening. I don't know what's wrong with me." Megumi: "That's easy. You're a little 'unbalanced'." "Aaaaagh!!!! Oh my god how embarrassing! That does it! I'm not wearing these things anymore." "Oh... you poor girl. You really do need them, don't you?" "Don't be such a meanie...""

"You vomited, I took that for a 'yes'."

"Shoujo manga has helped me with so many problems. All I need to do is read until I find a similar situation and it will tell me everything I need to know."

"Pirogoeth: "Please don't wave dead things in my face, or I'll hurt you.""

"Even when they have digital readouts, I can't understand them."

"'I wish I was never born' is too expensive for my budget, but I think I can swing this."

"I don't get it. What is it about a school uniform that turns fanboys like you into drooling morons?"

"Sometimes you just gotta go with whatya got! Pathetic people need love too!"

"Two jail breaks, unauthorized Rent-A-Zilla usage, operating a Zilla without a license, deploying an opposing force without a permit, deployment of defensive weaponry without a license, illegal use of duct tape... You've been busy."

"Your actions constitute severe violations of many local ordinances and national laws... Not to mention several international treaties and the Android Rights Act of 1978. Ever consider a career in cataclysm management? Lemme buy you a beer."

"Please flee in terror in an orderly manner!"

"Give me a city block to rebuild anyday. Some things just can't be fixed."

"Never let anything become a zombie that's difficult to kill."

"Largo: "Up in the sky! It's raining zombies!" Dom: "The explosion Ed set off must have formed an interdimensional rift. We've duplicated this in the Sega Labs before - it's where the Sega CD came from.""

"Piro, I've been thinking..." - "Aren't there laws against that?"

"Largo: "Don't you ever think that there might be more to life than just games?" "You mean like finding a girlfriend, getting out of debt, moving ahead in our careers, stuff like that?" "Yea." "There was a sim game about that, wasn't there?" "Yea, it sucked." "'Nuff said.""

"Piro: "Nice mullet. Do all your heroes look like 'MacGyver'?" - "There are no more heroes.""

"Largo: "This scene is saying, 'I am lame.' " "This scene is saying, 'I am really lame.' " "This scene says, 'This is the lamest thing that ever crawled out of the lamest hole on the planet where all lameness was originally spawned in the known universe.' " Piro: "And having a girl break your arm in three places wasn't lame?" Largo: "Nah, that was cool.""

"Largo: "Chill, dude. I'm sure we'll get deported eventually. Remember that roadtrip we took to Canada?" "Actually, I was kind of hoping to avoid that experience again..." "Hey come on... we got handcuffed by real Mounties! That was cool.""

"Largo, seeing Erika: "Woah. Bab3-O-R4m4. Are those real?" - "... Fly you fool, you know not your peril!""

"Largo: "What are the m4d skillz that make you who you are??? What are you good at?!?" — "I am good at taking advantage of older men and getting money from them!!!""

"Largo: "An undead horde surrounded our location early this morning, seeking to worship some demonic idol which they assumed was your roommate. I must know... has your roommate ever been the sacrifice in a demonic ritual? Has her blood ever been spilled in the raising of the undead??"

"Junko, trying to translate to Japanese: "I'm sorry, my English isn't creative enough to translate that.""

"Erika, putting a hat over Piro's eyes: "Perfect.""

"Erika: "Did you sleep with the producer?" "No. I did not." "Do you need me to?" "No." "Well, that's a shame.""

"Kimiko: "Besides, I figure if I make the dress real hard to get out of, it'll keep you out of trouble." - ... - "Remind me again... Who has an audition for a voice part in a porn game today?""

"Kimiko: "It's just a little something... From a fan." - "From a fan? Already? You might want to keep it away from the food.""

"Mr Grier: "OK! Let's get started with today's English lesson, eh? Today we are going to learn some 'Canadian' English. Let's start with some Canadian expressions popular right now, eh? Repeat after me: 'Neverwinter Nights will be released when it is complete.' 'Neverwinter Nights will be released this winter.' 'In Canada it's always winter.' 'Neverwinter Nights will be released soon, we promise!'""

"THE GLUE IS POURING OUT IN AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF ADHESION - POKEY, "Pokey and the glue""

"THE UN? HA! I SPIT ON THE UN! --Pokey, “Pokey and the Moon-Cheese”"

"“WITH A FEW SMALL MODIFICATIONS, ANY CANOE CAN TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!!!” --Pokey, “Pokey in Ancient Scotland”"

"“I DO NOT LIKE THE HAT!!!” -- Pokey, “The Devil”"

"“BEFORE WE GO TO THE RESTAURANT I MUST ENCASE YOU IN CARBONITE!!! (Throws frozen date into ocean) NOW WHO IS GOING TO THE RESTAURANT!!!” --Pokey, “Pokey Goes to Hawaii”"

"“IT IS ORDINARY DUST! NO SALE” --Pokey, “Hola”"

"(After killing Archangel Michael) “LET ME DO IT I AM A GOOD ARCHANGEL! I ALREADY HAVE THE WINGS AND THE GUN! JUST GIVE ME THE WHISKEY!!!” --Pokey, “Pokey the Archangel”"

"“MY NAME IS POKEY THE PENGUIN I LOVE CHESS!! IT IS LIKE BALLET ONLY WITH MORE EXPLOSIONS!” --Pokey, “All Positions Occupied”"

"“ZIING! THE EXTRA “I” MEANS EXTRA ZING!” --Pokey, “The Extra 'I'”"

"“THE SECRET IS: RUSSIANS KEEP THEIR MIDGETS IN CAGES!” --Pokey, “Po Russky""

"“HE HAD TWO EYES BURNING LIKE COAL-EMBERS, SUNK INTO A GNARLED TREE-TRUNK OF A FACE! HE WAS MORE BURNING TREE THAN MAN!” --Pokey, “I Will Never Forget His Face”"

"“NO ONE TAKES FIRST PASSAGE OVER POKEY!” --Pokey “Pokey and the Gold Chains”"

"“NOTHING EJECTS A TEAR FROM MY FACE SO FORCEFULLY AS A SUNRISE!” --Pokey “Pokey and the Sunrise”"

""I TOLD EVERYONE WE SHOULD HAVE A WITCH-HUNT, BUT THEY WANTED TO HAVE A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BOOK BURNING INSTEAD!" --Pokey, “Pokey was Correct”"

"HOORJ!" --Pokey, "Pokey and Tommy the Toaster"

"YOU SEEM TENSE! WHY NOT RELAX WITH A NICE CIGARETTE? WELCOME TO FLAVOR COUNTRY!" --Pokey, "Chicken Delicious is a Bad Influence"

"NOTHING RIDES YOU LIKE A GOOD PAIR OF HOT PANTS!" --Pokey, "Pokey Has Hot Pants"

"“IN THIS MANNER YOU HAVE RETRIEVED YOUR BRAINPAN POKEY!” --Small Child, “Pokey is Roots”"

"“I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE KEPT THE PILLOW WAREHOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO THE PORN FACTORY!!!” --Small Child, “Hello Sexy World”"

"“I FED HIM A STRICT DIET OF GASOLINE AND IRON FILLINGS! HE'S AS STRONG AS AN OX AND FIVE TIMES SMARTER” --Small Child, “Pokey and the Hover-Chair”"

"“BUT POKEY YOU FOUND THAT BIBLE IN A CRACKERJACK BOX!!! IT HAS A PIRATE ON THE FRONT!!!!” --Small Child, “St. Bluebeard (Biblical Proportions)”"

"“POKEY WHAT FINERY!!!” --Small Child, “Friend, Can You Spare Some Money?”"

"“GHOST MONEY HAS A VERY HIGH EXCHANGE RATE!!” --Mr. Nutty, “Pokey is Solid”"

"“DID ANYONE REMEMBER TO REMOVE HIS WALLET?”(At Pokey's funeral) –Mr. Nutty, “Pokey Dies”"

"“JOHN LOCKE! FANCY YOUR ESCAPING FROM SATAN'S GNASHING TEETH AND ENDING UP HERE!” --Mr. Nutty, “The Root of Safety”"

"“I KEEP ALL MY RECORDS IN THIS LOAF OF BREAD, FOR REASONS I NO LONGER REMEMBER!!” --Mr. Nutty, “Mr. Nutty's Position”"

"“THE FIRST LAW OF PHYSICS STATES THAT ROCKETS WILL ALWAYS FLY STRAIGHT UP INTO THE AIR!!!!!” --Mr. Nutty, “Mr. Nutty and the Rocket”"

"I AM RAPPING ABOUT WORLD HISTORY!" -Skeptopotamus, "Skeptopotamus and World History"

"“I AM DESIROUS OF DELICIOUS CHEESE” --Skeptopotamus, “The Sadness at the End of Days”"

"“LIKE THE TWO PRONGS OF MY DINNER FORK YOU STEAL THE HEART AND POSSESSIONS” --Skeptopotamus, “Pokey Objects”"

"“I HAVE DOMINION OVER YOU! YOU ARE MY SLAVES” --Skeptopotamus, “ Skeptopotamus' Secrets of Vitality”"

"“DESOLATION MOUNTAIN IS MADE OF POTATO FLAKES!!!” --Headcheese, “Mambo”"

"POKEY TODAY I AM ATTENDING SCHOOL CHICAGO-STYLE. IT MEANS, TO DO SOMETHING WITHOUT YOUR PANTS ON POKEY!!!!" --Headcheese, "Chicago-Style"

"“IF DEMOCRACY FAILS, YOU CAN COUNT ON STALIN!” --Gustavo, “You Can Count on Stalin”"

"“I AM MASTERING THE POSSIBILITIES” --The Devil, “The Devil”"

"“WE ARE TO ENGAGE IN FISTICUFFS IN THIS LAND OF ELVES AND HAPPINESS!” --The Devil, “Pokey and the Bump on the Noggin”"

"“HERE ON RUM ISLAND WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN RUM!” --Penguin, “Welcome to Rum Island”"

"“IF STROKING THE SACRED TEXT IS A SIN THEN MAY I NEVER BE BLESSED POKEY” --Penguin, “The Anatomicon”"

"“THUSLY THE PANTS COME OFF AND THE TEST SCORES RISE!” --The Principle, “Chicago-Style”"

"“OUR STEEPLE IS ROCKET-SHAPED TO TAKE US TO THE MOON! WHERE GOD LIVES!!” --Robot Minister, “Pokey and the Robot Church”"

""HURRY UP OLD BEAN! FETCH MY KEYS AND DRIVING CAP POST-HASTE!" -Chicken Delicious, "Let Us Meet Chicken Delicious" (This may have been said by either Pokey or Chicken Delicious; the comic is ambiguous)"

"“POKEY THESE ARE PLUMS! I WANTED ORANGES!” --Small Child"

"“THAT IS THE PRICE OF LOVE” --Pokey, “The Price of Love”"

"“IT IS WEDNESDAY POKEY!!!!!!!” --Small Child"

"“WRONG!!!! VIOLATORS MUST BE PROSECUTED!!!” --Pokey, “Happy Candy Day”"

"“I AM ENDING YOUR LIFE BOSS!!” --Pokey"

"“YOU THERE! GET TO WORK! I DO NOT FUND YOUR NUMBSKULLERY!” --Jewish Carpenter, “Pokey and the Jewish Carpenter”"

"“AND THESE ARE THINGS WE WOULD NOT DIE FOR POKEY!! LEAD, CANS OF PAINT, WAX--” --Small Child"

"“WAX!! SON OF A—I HAVE TO CHANGE MY LIST!!” --Pokey, “I Have to Change My List”"

"“POKEY ARE YOU DRUNK ON LOVE?????” --Small Child"

"“YES . ALSO WHISKEY. BUT MOSTLY LOVE...AND WHISKEY.” --Pokey, “Drunk on Love”"

"“SO SEXY RUSSIAN SPY VIXEN, YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME??”” --Mr. Nutty"

"“I STAB YOU IN THE ORGAN!!!” --Pokey"

"“YOU'LL HAVE TO STAB MORE THAN JUST ONE ORGAN TO STOP ME!!!” --Mr. Nutty, “I Will Destroy Him”"

"“POKEY THE NORTHERN LIGHTS!” --Small Child"

"“THAT IS HOW YOU SAY 'HELLO' IN SAN FRANCISCO!” --Pokey, “San Francisco”"

"“POKEY I DID NOT KNOW CANARIES WERE MINED FROM THE SUBTERRAIN!” --Small Child"

"“THE EARTH'S GEOLOGY IS RICH WITH CANARY!” --Pokey, “Pokey in the Abandoned Mine”"

"THIS MINIATURE FLYING AMUSEMENT IS THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!! IT ENABLES ALL TO FLY, EVEN THE FLIGHTLESS"

"“PITY ON THE FLIGHTLESS POKEY” --Small Child"

"“PITY INDEED ON THEM, LITTLE GIRL!! OH NO PREMATURE ACTIVATION!!!!” --Pokey"

"“THE LAUNCHER MAKES A RISIBLE SHOW OF YOU POKEY!!!!!!!!!!” --Small Child, “Pity on the Flightless”"

""SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOUDA" --Small Child (Reading Pokey's comic)"

"EVERY COMIC HAS A CHEESE PUN! AWESOME POWER!" –Pokey, "Hello Sexy World"

""I AM POKEY THE PENGUIN! WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?" --Pokey"

""WHEN WE ARRIVE IN THE LAND OF RICHES, WE WILL NOT NEED FRIENDS!" --Immigrant"

""BOOKS MAY BE READ, SMALL CHILD!!!!" --Pokey"

""POKEY WHAT AN IDEA!!!! YOU ARE A SECOND SUN IN MY SKY!!!!" --Small Child"

""I OFTEN BURN WHITE HOT AND DRIFT LAZILY ACROSS THE STRATOSPHERE EMITTING PIERCING SCREAMS JUST LIKE THE REAL SUN!!!!" --Pokey, “Pokey is Strong and Virile”"

"[DEF LEPPARD IS ROCKING THROUGH A SET!!!]"

""BREAKIN THE LAW BREAKIN THE LAW!" --Joe Elliott"

""HOORAY! THE DEMON LEFT MY JAR OF PEANUTS!!!" --Pokey"

""OH NO! HE POSSESSED MY ONE REMAINING ARM!!!" --Rick Allen"

""YOUR DEMONIC ARM WANTS ONLY A PEANUT!!!" --Pokey"

""ALSO, TO ELECTROCUTE THAT NUN!" --Rick Allen"

"NO" --Nun, "Def Leppard Saves"

""HOORAY!" --All Characters"

""YES!" --All Characters, usually after a statement rather than in answer to a question."

""HELLO POKEY!" --Any Minor character that doesn't know Pokey"

""CRUD!" --Pokey"

""SMASHING JOB OLD BEAN!" --Mr. Nutty"

""I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" --Skeptopotamus"

""COOKIE!" (Usually appears as caption in panel when Gustavo arrives)"

""BIF!" --The Boxing Glove"

""MAMA MIA!" --Italians"

"Only God can make a tree but only technology can simulate a dog peeing on one."

"Kestrel: Nothing says love like a monkey. It's a fuzzy screeching bundle of tenderness."

"Kestrel: I need you to remove my uterus, and thus guarantee that I do not produce any hellspawn."

"Felix: Honey! Honey! We've got cable in the bathroom now!"

"Seamus: Do you go out of your way to make people feel inadequate, or am I just special that way?"

"Kestrel: Hang on a second, I need to make my eyes revert to normal. Also to do the happy squirmy puppy dance."

"Shannon: It's like I'm in a Greenpeace sponsored bukkake tree porn flick, and I'm the chick tied helplessly to the chair in the center of the room being hosed down with tree semen."

"Kestrel: I firmly believe all animals should be named after sound effects."

"Davan: I'm just wondering how I got pegged as the insane one."

"Davan: ...do you have any moods other than 'whiny' or 'bitch'?"

"Shannon: Near-death experiences leave one with little patience for the petty day-to-day bullshit that people feed each other."

"Kestrel: ...soooo the contents of my uterus are inversely proportional to my sanity. Good to know."

"Kestrel: I'm glad the lessons at Lady Weatherby's Charm School of Shut the Fuck Up are paying off."

"Apple Store Employee: Everyone comes to the Apple side eventually."

"Kestrel: Try not to take the world too seriously, because sooner or later you're going to end up its punchline."

"Aubrey: Embrace the power of the labia, PeeJee! Embrace it!"

"PeeJee: Well, I thought, "Who among my friends would want a candy cane-shaped, eggnog scented strap on?" Then I thought, "Who deserves it?""

"Davan: You know, for a lesbian, you seem to suck a whole mess o' dick."

"PeeJee: Chemo kitties need extra love!"

"Aubrey: I could menstruate a better cup of coffee than this!"

"PeeJee: You're like a Columbine kid who was too lazy to do anything."

"Kim: Nothing is as sexy as the look on a man's face as he slips into an unplanned slumber."

"Davan: I try not to think. It's not really a hallmark of my generation."

"Aubrey: So I made some pork chops and rented "Babe.""

"Jason: Heresy is sexy, Aubrey. Cancer isn't!"

"Jason: I bukkake for justice!"

"PeeJee: I'm sorry. Is our date interrupting your conversation with my boobs?"

"Aubrey: If a guy tells me I can't possibly stick a crazy straw all the way up his smallest orifice, that's a challenge I'm honor-bound to accept!"

"Aubrey: I'm going to find religion just so I can pray against each of you."

"Aubrey: If masturbating was s'posed to be cute, pink bunnies would do it in meadows and they'd ejaculate rainbows and flower petals."

"Davan: Why reach to the sky to touch a star when you can scoop one out of the gutter?"

"Lisa: For future reference, when a woman says she wants your honest opinion, she really doesn't."

"Davan: The way I see it, there's so much love and beauty in the world, and someone has to balance that shit out."

"Aubrey: Oh, good. More snow. Nature's bukkake."

"Andy: Well, as long as you promise we're only lynching them for science."

"Davan: I'm just saying I've never heard of a SIDS baby growing up to be a murderer or a rapist. Draw your own conclusions, my friend."

"Cab: It's a lot like nature. You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of."

"Nancy: Elize, I need your help. I'm worried this chloroform has gone bad but my nose is stuffed up. Could you smell it and tell me what you think?"

"Davan: This is one of those situations where "I don't care" is the right answer, but not the right answer, isn't it?"

"Milholland's commentary: On one shoulder is a devil saying, "do it." On the other shoulder is an angel saying, "do it now.""

"Davan: Well, y'know, true friendship is a lot like a cervical punch."

"Mike: ...a wise man once said that being in love means never having to say, "I'm sorry.""

"Milholland's Commentary: If you don't get the joke, you're probably the punchline."

"Morganna: So...should we skip straight to finding an empty room to have sex in then?"

"Milholland's Commentary: Someone, somewhere, is dressing up like your favorite childhood cartoon character and having sex."

"Kharisma: Thank God I was taught fat people don't have emotions."

"Nancy: Oh, baby...talk some more stupid for me. It makes me so hot..."

"PeeJee: What is it with Texas and the child raping cults?!"

"Milholland's Commentary: Everything sounds dirtier when preceded by "For a good time...""

"Davan: You're only offended because liberal society says you're supposed to think "child rape" jokes are wrong."

"Fast Food Customer: I'm the customer and I'm white! That makes me twice as right! Se habla customer service, jerk?!"

"Rory: If I get this cool stuff now I bet the stuff you give me when you die is gonna be great!"

"Monette: I've never wanted to be a magician's hat so badly in my life."

"PeeJee: Damn it! Why am I arguing shit on the web again?"

"Vanessa: Expect foreplay full of fumbling and awkward apologies."

"PeeJee: Hey! You! I've got a Vagina! You got a problem with that?"

"Cat: (angry) Mrrrrrrowwwr."

"Cat-to-English translation: I am your god and your pain is my altar. Now, Worship!"

"Rayne (of Least I Could Do): The server's light flashed green three times. That's consent. That's robot consent."

"Fred: Friendship only really matters if you give it as willingly as you took it in the first place."

"Something Positive"

"Positive Good Morning Quotes"

"White Mage: Excuse me. Do you carry any restraining order spells?"

"Fighter: I trust Black Mage 'cause he told me to."

"Fighter: I love you phallic-sword worshiping warrior woman. Take me."

"Red Mage: For +3 endurance, I'd wear my own underwear over my armor."

"Black Mage: The problem with guards is that they are too inquisitive for their own good. That and the clean up afterward is always such a bitch."

"White Mage: You are simply a horrible little monster and I pray for your quick and merciful death."

"Black Mage: Well, at least I shall die as I have lived. Completely surrounded by morons."

"Black Mage: ...So you see, by allowing me to kill you three, I'll be able to at least die with some dignity... and a smile."

"Red Mage: If we disguise ourselves as dragon-food, we could take the dragon by surprise."

"Bikke: Aye! They be like a thorny thorn in ye sidey side."

"Fighter: Jump overboard! It's the only way to save yourself from the sea-monsters!"

"Fighter: Isn't it ironic to yell the word silence?"

"Drizz'l: I could feel my brain contracting from your sheer stupidity."

"Thief: I'll have you know "Drizz'L" roughly translates to "The Relentless Scourge"."

"Vilbert: Mom! How many times must I ask you to refer to me by my dark name of the damned?"

"Black Mage: Can we kill him now? He's a Goth, it's what he wants."

"Black Mage: You don't really practice bleeding to death from six dozen stab wounds. It's just gonna happen."

"Young Black Mage: What part of being stabbed do you not understand?"

"Lich, Fiend of Earth: If I still had to consume food, I would feast upon your entrails, tonight."

"Black Mage: I should have mentioned this at the beginning. I solve my problems through violence."

"Red Mage: That's not how it works. There is no grand story to history. Things just happen. It's the act of looking back on it that interposes a sense of narrative."

"Berserker: Just because I fly into a blind, homicidal rage at the drop of a helm doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the finer things in life."

"Red Mage: Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!"

"Red Mage: Our weapons are useless, reliance upon them is death!"

"Vilbert: My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos."

"Red Mage: I don't need a quest to teach me the importance of faking friendship."

"Sarda: Yea, is it not written, "With great power comes great authority, but absolute power rocks absolutely"?"

"Cleric: Well look at that, another beautiful miracle. If it weren't for my atheism, I'd be impressed by it."

"Black Mage: You don't tend to see many ancient castles with such well manicured lawns."

"Black Mage: If there was a way to get magic for free, do you really think I'd have spent so much time sacrificing children to my Dark Gods? For spells, I mean. Obviously there'd still be sacrifices. A hobby's a hobby."

"Red Mage: Evolution is my bitch."

"Ur (Kraken), Fiend of Water: Oh, man, what a smell in that thing. Horrible. Anyway! You guys ordered an Apocalypse, if I'm right."

"Fighter: I like it. Needs a sword fight in the middle, but we can burn that river when we cross a bridge over the bush with two birds in glass houses."

"Red Mage: In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed."

"Black Mage: My hatred for you burns like the skin of that guy."

"Muffin (Tiamat), Fiend of Air: Moron. I never owned an invisible sky castle. Just that regularly visible one over there."

"Thief: Well, Red Mage had a stupid idea, and I'm making it better with my cunning."

"Red Mage: Just once I'd like to go somewhere without killing everyone in the world."

"Black Mage: Lies are just creative truths."

"Red Mage: And thanks to my frankly brilliant allocation of points to animal husbandry, I possess a robust and intimate knowledge of monster genitals."

"Fighter: One might think waging a four-way double-elimination duel to the death with yourself could drive you insane. But really? It makes you super sane."

"Black Mage: We should all aspire to be Lex Luthor."

"Fighter: Can I take off my fire helm yet? It's a little on fire."

"Black Mage: Suddenly, living in your a-hole forever doesn't seem so bad."

"Belkar: Wait. I think I just failed a Spot check."

"Elan: Hi, Haley. Look, I found all these free swords. They were in my spleen."

"Roy: "Why did you think we were here?" [in this dungeon]"

"Eugene Greenhilt: Hey, that deal was very clear: 'Til death do us part. Once I shuffle off the mortal coil, I'm free to play the field."

"Belkar Bitterleaf: I have an idea. It starts with "s" and ends with "litting their throats.""

"Xykon the Lich: I need you to Speak with Dead."

"Vaarsuvius: Now if you don't mind, I am somewhat preoccupied telling the laws of physics to shut up and sit down."

"Xykon: Y'know, I've destroyed entire towns, and the most I got from the surviving families were a few snarky comments. You, sir, have a serious problem with overreaction."

"Elan: It's true what they say: "Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!""

"Belkar: Tell me, is being a complete and utter moron a prerequisite for the class, or a side effect of taking a level?"

"Roy: I dream of the day when I will learn to stop asking questions to which I will regret learning the answers."

"Xykon: Sacrificing minions: is there any problem it CAN'T solve?"

"Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm."

"Belkar: Well, as usual, if falls to Yours Truly to save the day by serving someone a heapin' helping of Mama Bitterleaf's secret family recipe for their own steaming entrails on a platter."

"Belkar: It's like the old song says: If I can kill it here, I can kill it anywhere."

"Miko: By the Twelve Gods! I had no idea your carts were filled with filthy lucre!"

"Miko: The proper term is "smite evil", not "bump uglies.""

"Belkar: One order of gluttony with a side of corruption, please."

"Miko: By the Twelve Gods and in the name of Lord Shojo, I demand to know: Who removed the tag from this mattress?!?"

"Belkar: Hey Sweet Thing, wanna hold my Rod of Lordly Might? If you push the right button, it might extend!"

"Belkar: It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire.""

"Celia: Hey, I don't make the crazy rules, I just twist them to my purpose."

"Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay."

"Roy: Truly, your wit has never been equaled. Surpassed, often, but never equaled."

"Nameless Wizard: Excuse me, sir, if you're done pretending I can't hear you because I'm a nameless NPC, I'll head off to that tavern there to get utterly drunk in response to my life's apparent meaninglessness."

"Nale: Must... resist... urge to assert... heterosexuality! For the sake...of the plan!"

"Shojo: Look, O-Chul, I have two tasks that need to be completed. One involves three prisoners whose existence is now a state secret. The other involves cleaning up what came out of my cat's butt this morning. And Mr. Scruffy had a very upset tummy last night, didn't he? Didn't he?"

"Miko: You would stand between me and this evil murderer?"

"Roy: He's doing it because he thinks that you've learned your lesson, and with my guidance, you'll stop resorting to violence to solve your problems."

"Vaarsuvius: Thrice-cursed Spell Resistance! It's almost like the universe is trying to deliberately force some form of arbitrary equality between those of us who can reshape matter with our thoughts and those who cannot."

"Belkar: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!"

"Redcloak: Look, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I'll deal with this later."

"Xykon: Goddamn, it, I forgot how much pain tends to hurt!"

"Elan: Hooray! Our long luteless nightmare is over! ... This is just like when Roy got his sword fixed! ... Or when Haley got her voice back! ... Or when Vaarsuvius was turned back into an elf. ... Or when Roy was turned back into a boy. ... Or when I got a new magic rapier. Twice."

"Belkar: Sorry, Scarface. Looks like one of us has an appointment with that thing's esophagus, and I nominate you, on account of you not being me."

"Roy: So... I could have all the one-night stands I want, but I'd have to have them at my Mom's house ? Are you trying to make people feel guilty about sex ?"

"Haley:Anyway, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each. The good news is, I don't have to bother thinking up a second half to that joke, 'cause you're all dead now."

"Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror - and just my luck, I'm stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I'm going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass."

"Haley: Belkar, can you handle fifteen?"

"Elan: Fight, fight, fight, fight the urge to say, "I told you so!""

"Vaarsuvius: And once again, Probability proves itself willing to sneak into a back alley and service Drama as would a copper-piece harlot."

"Kazumi: I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!"

"Belkar: Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime."

"Belkar: Everyone tried so hard to block my path-- and in the end, all they really did was force me to learn how to climb mountains. All the better from which to pee on them, heh."

"Nero: Call me old fashioned, but an evil ascension to power just isn't the same without someone chanting faux Latin in the backround."

"Cedrik: A good way to get a decent person to do something horrible is to convince them that they're not responsible for their actions."

"Crystal: Who's there?"

"Xykon: Your soul shenanigans are real flashy, but they had one weakness: they were shackled to your lame mid-level ass! I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I've learned a lot since then. You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh?"

"Guard: How long do you think you'll be staying in the city?"

"Haley: Turns out the head general for this empire is Elan's long-lost father."

"Vaarsuvius: (Upon witnessing a fat dragon fly on tiny wings) I should avoid casting any spells tonight, if only to give the laws of physics time to cry alone in the corner."

"Tarquin: But you can't make an omelette without ruthlessly crushing dozens of eggs beneath your steel boot and then publicly disemboweling the chickens that laid them as a warning to others."

"Tarquin: In fact, I have a few duplicate magic items that may help you. Do you have a Ring of Regeneration yet? I never leave home without mine."

"Elan: But in the end--"

"Tarquin: My name will be immortalized forever."

"Malack: --so then I said, "I don't care that you were late, Acolyte Prilak, I'm not going to repeat the conversation we all just had.""

"Vaarsuvius: The chance of Elan succeeding at any given task is directly proportionate to how much effort he is expending on achieving its inverse."

"Kil-Kil: I don't mean to alarm you, General, but I think that halfling is force-feeding another man's intestines to one of our guards."

"Kil-Kil: I calculate that the empire turned a total profit of 66,435 gp on their capture."

"Vaarsuvius: I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is "Sneak Attack, bitch.""

"Vaarsuvius: Welcome, however temporarily, to the Order of the Stick, Mr. Yukyuk. Continue this ratio of effectiveness-to-chatter, and I shall see if I cannot open up a position in our Short Dual-Wielding Murderer department. What say you to that?"

"Redcloak: Normally, this sort of display is more my colleague's bailiwick..."

"Belkar: (Deafened by magic, already jumping to stab Nale) ELAN, IS IT COOL IF I KILL YOUR BROTHER WHAT CAN'T HEAR YOUR ANSWER SORRY!"

"Tarquin: Frankly, I’m surprised you agreed to show up. Our past differences aside, you of all people should be able to see the shape of this."

"Tarquin: I am not going to indulge you in your usual idiocy today, Scoundrel."

"Tarquin: Can't you see that there are underlying problems with the structure of this scene??"

"Julio Scoundrel: I think that’s half your problem, T- You always think everything that happens is about you!"

"Tarquin: It has become clear to me that the only way you will accept your proper role is for me to utterly crush you here and now. So I am going to murder your lowlife girlfriend, burn this ship and everyone on it to ash, and chop off your hand. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE!""

"Tarquin: Elan! This arc isn't over yet! Where's the growth? You didn't lose anything! Nothing has changed! YOU GET BACK HERE AND GIVE THIS PLOTLINE A SATISFYING RESOLUTION THIS INSTANT!! ELAN! ELAN, THERE'S NO SENSE OF CLOSURE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! THIS IS A TERRIBLE ENDING!!!"

"Belkar: I am going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don't shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days!!"

"Haley: Warning: Meat laced with sleep potion may cause drowsiness."

"Roy: ...Gee, thanks for this visit, Dad. I had almost forgotten how much of an anal retentive blowhard you are."

"Haley: Sneak Attack Upside the Head!"

"Young Xykon: Zombification: it cures what ails you. Forever."

"Xyklon: Hey! Come back here! We're supposed to fight now!!! Sigh... guards, fetch the Ben & Jerry's."

"Female Goblin: Well... we could be dirt farmers."

"Redcloak: I'm so glad your conversion to a life-draining mockery of all that is beautiful has proven to be such a barrel of laughs."

"Eugene Greenhilt: When you're dead, you're never going to look back and say, "Darn, I didn't spend enough time on petty revenge.""

"Xykon: I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitch - bitch."

"The Tube is Civilization!"

"My humiliating victory over you is just water under the shattered bridge of your crushing defeat."

"Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation will feature proprietary Fractal Boob Juggling technology, allowing for real-time melon manipulation... They will cast soft-edged shadows and use inverse nippomatics."

"I wouldn't call this a computer. Nope, this is more of a "Rabid Wolverine.""

"Gabe, sometimes in order to hurt someone very badly, you have to tell that person terrible lies."

"Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul."

"I'll stab you in the mouth. That's a new one, huh? You ever been stabbed in there?"

"Let's go pound some nails through our dicks."

"Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn. We desperately need those new dresses."

"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth."

"Just... Don't talk anymore. You're like the Dalai Lama of fucking retards."

"(talking about a child's belief in Santa Claus) It's a beautiful lie, one he wants to believe, given to him by someone he trusts. It's the same reason you believe in God really."

"There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food."

"Getting dark... vision fading.. tell John Romero I love her..."

"I don't know why they call them "Chip Clips." I mean, everyone just puts 'em on their wang. Why don't they just call them "Wang Clips" or "Wang Hangers" or something?"

"Okay, smartass - if this is Football, where is all the ice?"

"(making his pitch to a bunch of executives) Gentlemen, I've got something of a proposition for you. I'm giving you a golden opportunity to invest...In my wang. I've been offering it privately for quite a while, and we're looking at an Initial Pubic Offering near the end of the summer. (they all leave) Come back! My wang has serious growth potential!"

"(laying in bed, thinking) I wonder… Am I a genius? (sniffs hand) My hand smells kinda like poop."

"Lord God, give me the strength to destroy these men."

"On the one hand, I deeply value my beanbag. On the other hand, I love Tribes 2 and routinely make very poor decisions... Oh, right in the Mean Bean Machine!"

"Let me tell you what I just realized. In order for me to have everything I want, you're going to have to give up some things."

"Yes, but I do read Lesbonese."

"I wish I could hate you to death!"

"Div: On a scale of one to ten, I'm soooo drunk."

"Div: That's a cute little dolphin! Does your husband play video games?"

"Div: Oops! Was that a brick?"

"Div: Somebody call Guinness. I'm about to go from zero to drunk in twenty dollars."

"A parody of Scott McCloud: Now let's take a comic like Sandwich Shoppe — Divide their forty thousand readers in half, and multiply that by sweet, bee-fresh honey. That's a hojillion dollars! Now, subtract three vanilla wafers to pay the Billy Goats Gruff, and you've got a hundred kabillion million dollars!"

"Frank: There I was - pitch black, alone! It was the Devil's birthday in Cambodia, and I was bare-assed and hopped up on some jungle mushroom."

"The Merch: I fucked your dad! [http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2005/12/30"

"Annarchy: (defending her pink, pony-decorated computer case) What I carry in this box is your utter subjugation."

"Flight Captain: Gooood afternoon from the cockpit, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain, Captain Steve. We're looking at abooouuut three hours down to San Diego, today, we're expecting a smooooth flight, I have turned off the fasten seat belts sign and you are free to move about the cabin. I have a ball of heroin about the size of a monkey's fist jammed straight up my asshole. Beautiful weather down there, clear skies, and seventy eight degrees..."

"Jesus Christ: (when asked by Gabe if the Revolution is "cool") I wouldn't say it's "cool," exactly. It's true that the cyber-ape revolution of 2014 does usher in a new ice age, and humanity will certainly feel the chill as they are driven underground. Heat miners will eke out a living, tapping the Earth's molten core for precious warmth."

"Jesus Christ: (throwing up the horns during a game with Gabe) WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Jesus Christ: (descending in glory from Heaven) Hey guys. No, relax! I'm not staying. I heard you guys are frying Twinkies now. I had to get in on that."

"Emperor Palpatine I hope many Bothans died to bring us this information."

"Penny Arcade reader: Is that supposed to be Gabe? It looks like a hedgehog fucking a cantaloupe."

"The Cardboard Tube Samurai: Will you face me? This tube goes by many names, some you are worthy to hear. The Waking-Dragon, coiled, as spring dawns. Hawk's-Harvest, seizing prey in the tall summer grass. Autumn-Razor, the patient hunter. The Famine-Of-Winter, that kills the babe at its mother's empty breast. So, will you face me? I, who hold the very reins of the world?"

"Randy Pinkwood: A new study shows links between videogames and violence. Or something. You know, whatever. Another report, released from my pants just moments ago, has deemed my wang "massive," "sturdy," and "fearsome." Ladies, I'm talking to you."

"Randy Pinkwood: In entertainment news, it was revealed that the Doom movie does not take place on Mars, and features no hell demons. When asked for comment, script author David Callahan made the sound of a Choo-Choo train, suggesting that all present "get aboard." In other news, look out for the Metroid movie, about a rowdy team of baseball players who discover the true meaning of Christmas from a cowboy robot angel. Also, critics are giving my penis "Four Stars." Debbie in the mailroom calls it a "thrilling ride," with a "surprise ending" that will leave you breathless."

"Hey, is that a demonic duck of some sort? (Used as a common distraction. Every time this phrase has been uttered the Demonic Duck has somehow been there even though he wasn't seconds before. The only exception to this was the single comic where he was on strike.) Example 1 Example 2Example 3"

"Read, or the owl will eat you. (Mural found on the wall of Moperville North High School)"

"Za? (Most commonly associated with Elliot and Ellen.)"

"Hello, I'm Elliot. This thing to my left is named Tedd. (The first line of the first comic.)"

"Togateiru fohku kohgeki! (Japanese for 'pointy fork attack'.)"

"Nothing can penetrate the coat of solitude..."

"Hello, I'm Elliot. If Tedd wasn't so busy testing out his experimental super novelty bubble pipe, he'd join me in apologizing for our first three strips."

"Ah, Jeremy…what's it like to be a creature nature never intended?"

"Screw inner peace! I got a friend for you to meet!"

"He's [Carrot Top] not your archrival, sir; he's a bad comedian."

"Dammit, I hate these trendy "which one is real" illusion attacks."

"My back has redefined the word pain..."

"(To Tedd in girl form, who is in Elliot's bathroom.) Dammit, you'd better not be just posing in front of the mirror or something! (He is.)"

"Ok, I need an aspirin, a ball of yarn, and thirty-seven pounds of catnip, stat!"

"Oh joy, lunch. The time of social gatherings with many opportunities for awkward moments."

"I still think this cat has narcolepsy."

"Mankind has tried to keep squirrels away from birdseed since the dawn of time; it just can't be done, Tedd."

"A CGI dragon, a drunk prince, and my favorite actor, Jason D. Poit, starring as a disillusioned knight... this movie is just bound to kick ass!"

"Susan's a trekkie? I would've figured she'd be anti-Shatner..."

"Tedd has read Uryuom and government studies that show that being morphed by things like Tedd's gun can actually increase longevity in non-shapeshifting beings, and it does wonders for the sinuses!"

"We're going to be one of those couples with a cache of costumes, aren't we?"

"Sense has no place within these walls."

"(regarding Nanase's Fairy Doll form) ...Sounds like something out of a Stephen King Novel."

"The difference between me being a hero or a villain... is restraint."

"Our goo kinda came to life and slithered away... is that bad?"

"Of course! Any monster that is anything like a slime would naturally fear a dragon warrior hero!"

"Waffles versus lesbians… there just isn't any contest!"

"What are you doing, sleeping? This is lunch, fool... eat something!"

"Ah, air is good."

"Wait a second... oh crap, I'm not wearing my glasses... uh... oh, no! I'm... blind?"

"Why father, I have been in this bathroom all along and not sleeping with the squirrel girl as previously suggested."

"Male, female, gay, straight… Female Variant #5 cares not."

"Relax, Sarah, you ain't gay... What you feel is Female Variant #5 at work."

"I can't get over my having facial hair! I never thought it possible!"

"Ah-ha, she's got you now, dad! You can't argue with a hot chick showing that much skin!"

"Holy crap… I love her…"

"A shrubbery? What is this, a Monty Python sketch?"

"Hell no! Of course I'm a pervert!"

"Whoa, I needs to get me some yarn!… Wait, what?"

"I have bows in my hair and nobody objects!"

"This place smells like a zombie farted. Let's get the hell out of here."

"Meow-choo!!!"

"She's like a sleepy little ninja!"

"Either I'm a narcissist, or I'm just that girly. Either way, it's a disturbing revelation."

"One mural equals several thousand uniforms?"

"Girls in uniform...!"

"For the sake of Grace's bubbles... I must ensure that this party is the best damn party ever!"

"Wow. Notes. Party down."

"I'm sorry, Nanase, but I have no idea why your male form has cockatoo hair!"

"You like guys, don't you? You should be thanking my deranged brain for that image!"

"You are wondering what I am doing. That is understandable. And the answer? That is simple. You see, after many minutes of experimentation over several days, success is within my grasp! With the flip of this switch, I shall achieve free, portable energy from the very curvature of space! (Tedd flips a switch, but nothing happens. Elliot attempts to speak) Quiet! I think I saw the light flicker!"

"(Carrying a tiny chair through the kitchen) No! *huff* I'm the...man! I got this!"

"(regarding Grace's Omega form) So...hot..."

"UGLY COUSIN! UGLY COUSIN!"

"(regarding Susan's new hair color) I doubt it, we all tried to tell her how awesome she looked. But that just seemed to annoy her. I don't think Susan could care less whether people like the way she looks."

"(After Grace tells them about the word "genderfluid", and that they probably are genderfluid) I'm-- That's a thing? There's a name for it? There's a name for it..."

"You're resorting to wearing Tedd's clothes? This is an emergency!"

"Hmm... dark alley... night.... two unarmed teenage girls... screams wouldn't be heard over passing traffic.... Sounds good, let's go."

"Curse you and your flexible legs!"

"It's truly amazing how you can juggle three hammers and a full lunch tray."

"Am I the only one seriously disturbed by Grace being the dog?"

"Well, Elliot and I are going to go make out in the janitor's closet! You two have fun!"

"That's easy for you to say, Mr. No-Boobs!"

"NO! I WILL NOT BE STOPPED BY RANDOM NUDITY!"

"Digital camera, a 512 megabyte memory card, and a computer with gigs of memory that we can transfer photos to… oh yes... there will be many pictures taken tonight!"

"This moment of manly Susan-ness must be photographically documented!"

"Aren't I cute when I'm helpful?"

"IT'S HARD TO CALL IN SICK WHEN ALL YOU CAN SAY IS "MEOW"!!!"

"(After talking with everyone about the clone forms, and being scanned) Well...it's still pretty scary, but you guys all came out ok, and if I can "back myself up" I'm kinda out of excuses. But let's get one thing straight. Tedd: If you do ANYTHING with my form without my permission, I'll give you the hammering of a lifetime...with a real hammer!"

"NO! BAD SARAH! STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF AS A SEX OBJECT!"

"That cake was gorge-yourself good!"

"Oh woe is me, a fair maiden about to be turned into a horrible cat monster by the evil wizard Teddimus!"

"You sound awfully annoyed for a guy with a furry fetish and a half-cat girlfriend."

"Yay catnip! ...what's catnip?"

"What I want to know is what is so wrong with my body that nobody wants to see it?"

"Tedd? Care to explain why when I was in the middle of playing a game you popped up on screen as a woman getting yelled at by Elliot while doing some sort of pathetic strip dance in a bathroom?"

"When in doubt, go squirrel..."

"When bored and half-squirrel, only one solution exists: bounce around the house mindlessly!"

"Ugh! What is so wrong with my body that everyone is so obsessed with covering it up?!"

"Crud-crud-crud-crud-aw-crud-it's-already-after-10-crud-crud-crud-major-crud-crud-on-a-cracker-crud-crud-crud!!!!"

"If you get to be naked, I get to be naked. It's only fair!"

"Candy-candy-candy-everywhere-YAY!!!"

"Oh... it's corn that isn't corn..."

"Talk to the shirt."

"My birthday is next Saturday? I'm going to be 18? That would make me older than… (Remembers where she is.)… um, people who are younger than me…"

"A lespuko? OK, great, that makes four parents, and I don't even know what one of them is!"

"You needn't worry! His metamorphic food additives are only theoretical at this point!"

"Can't talk...fighting...Giga Turtle...thank you...so much...for...cake!"

"Oh, don't worry! I'm plenty crazy!"

"Susan! Aren't you done getting dressed yet? Other people need to go zappy!"

"I dunno, Susan... is it so wrong that I just don't care if people see me naked, and that I'd have no problem taking off all my clothes, right here and now, and staying naked all night long?"

"I MADE SARAH THINK SEXY THOUGHTS ABOUT ME~!!!"

"Presenting...Manase! Er, I mean, Man-Nanase!"

"Wait a minute... If Tedd's the daddy... Oh my gosh! I'M A MOMMY!"

"Singing well is nothing compared to the liberation of heart and soul that is karaoke! (holds up manual) That's what it says in the instructions, anyway. (points to picture in manual) Hey, look! A singing fish!"

"And I'm happy if you are! INFINITE HAPPINESS LOOP!"

"Mopping is tricky!"

"Who the hell is Santa Claus?"

"Mahoh no supekutoru! (Japanese for 'magical spectrum'.)"

"Oh... Yay... It's up to me to keep Ellen from going totally insane... Yee..."

"Dammit, what do you say to the female duplicate of your ex-boyfriend who is hiding under the table and crying?"

"I would not dwell within your shirt in any case!"

"Repeated thwacks to the nose with a small tail beats coffee any day."

"Rated R for language, violence, and frequent and gratituous loincloth removal."

"It's hard to look bad-ass when you're using fairy powers."

"I ain't nobody's lucky bunny."

"Hair whore."

"I don't think physics teachers like me."

"That is not true! I do not rant wildly! If I rant, I do so with good reason! Like that time after I skipped lunch when they showed that movie on igneous rocks in chemistry class? I had every reason to rant! Why would you schedule such a boring movie right after a lunch period, and why would you show a movie about rocks in a chemistry class?! Maybe it had a point. I don’t know. I fell asleep. But still, it seemed really out of place to me. I think…"

"I want a rematch once I get my boobs back."

"(On how to access the power of one's ki.) By participating in difficult, overly complex and fairly ridiculous activities that shouldn't yield such fantastic results yet somehow do."

"Women's volleyball, eh?"

"YOU'VE TRESPASSED IN MY SOUL, BITCH!"

"But the Gluttonous Hamster card is a ten-ten thwacker for only three newts!"

"The boy-toy humbly accepts your terms."

"Parents tend to frown upon not knowing where their kids are sleeping at night..."

"(Note that Justin is gay.) Hello dad...I might be sleeping over at a friend's house tonight. ...Uh, you've never met her, but her name is Susan, and there's a girl named Ellen here as well, along with Nanase. ...Yes, I am spending the night with three girls. No, I don't plan on sleeping with any of them. ...You know, most parents would be happy about their sons answering 'no' to that last question..."

"I'm not trained in the art of using horses as projectile weaponry."

"(after talking with the Demon duck for a moment) Why would you be interested in humans? Shouldn't you be interested in ducks?"

"Here's that stupid camera! It was cleverly hiding in plain sight."

"[To Ellen and Nanase, who are trying to avoid attracting attention] You guys are aware that shouting whispers at each other is about the most suspicious thing you could be doing, right?"

"You talk to me because I taught you to use the hammers, and because you know I'm your hero."

"Equality? Who said anything about equality? Female superiority all the way, sister!"

"Men are insensitive jerks who are led around by little sticks."

"Given that I have no idea what they are talking about, which makes them boring..."

"As lovely as it is to know that my friend is dating a violent thug, it'll take more than that little bit of sharing to get me to open up."

"I'm giving you a raincheck for a hammering."

"This techno-babble-infested novel will serve me well."

"NO FAIR! I HAVE A HANDICAT!"

"Nanase, don't take this the wrong way, but... HOW THE HELL ARE YOU NOT FAT?!"

"(to Justin) If it makes it easier, just think of me as a less know-it-all version of Counselor Troi from Star Trek. You could even ask me what I was thinking when I hooked up with Worf!"

"(Ellen's first words) What...what is...Tedd, what's going on?"

"I- I-I'm - aren't I - Elliot?!?"

"But... but female variant #5 only lasts for a month... a-and if I'm... (crying) I'm gonna die in less than a month..."

"No worries! I-I'm not gonna die, cause I'm not the physical form of female variant #5 as it affected Elliot! I'M ELLEN, THE EVIL TWIN OF ELLIOT, AND I'M GONNA LIVE!!!"

"I also have the keys, Sherlock. In case you hadn't noticed, everything that was on you is now also on me! I'd be quite nude otherwise..."

"Go with you to what? Friends who don't know me? A family that won't love me? I don't have a home to go to, double, not with you around!"

"Am I supposed to be afraid? Sorry, but it's kind of hard to frighten the dead..."

"@#%$ logic. I'm a female bisexual duplicate of Elliot, and I can shoot green rays of light from my hands. And I'm fighting a blob of goop. Logic has nothing to do with any of this."

"We... haven't been properly introduced... Hello, my name is Ellen. It's nice to meet you."

"Mmm...Tedd..."

"Mmm... Jason D. Poit..."

"No, I wasn't! I was...um...I was picturing Grace as a platypus!"

"Oh dear God... I'm thinking like a Tedd!"

"Quiet, you're screwing up my mojo!"

"That crazed look could have meant any number of things!"

"Blasphemy."

"I'm supposed to know how magic works?"

"(imitating Sarah) "Oh, the horror! I was stuck in some other form for, like, a whole day! I'm so traumatized that I have to bitch about it, even though Ellen, someone who is basically a copy of my boyfriend who was turned into a girl forever, is standing right next to me!""

"(After swatting at Nanase's hair and Nanase asking what the hell she was doing)"

"(Referring to her the fact all her knowledge of history is based on her memories from the Second Life series) I may as well have gotten my history lessons from a comic book."

"(In a text message to Mr. Verres) Get Grace some damn counseling! >:("

"(After Raven shouts "OBJECTION!") Did you seriously just say that? This isn't a court, you know?"

"Full power? My insurance doesn't cover that!"

"Hour one of "Operation: Hide in Bushes". Current status? All good!"

"Sweet merciful Jesus Christ on a Sunday! What is that thing?"

"(in a flashback of Elliot's): Remember, always listen to random intuition! It just might be the convenient plot device that saves your butt!"

"Thanks, but no. If I ever attend a party like the one you described, I'd want everyone old enough to have alcohol readily available."

"(In title space of comic) I hope that accursed son of mine hasn't turned anybody into anything; it would be nice to come home from work with everyone being what they're supposed to be..... (In reality, Tedd has accidentally turned Elliot into a girl.)"

"Elliot, your duplicate's a crybaby."

"(about Tedd): Trust him not to violate national security? Definitely. Trust him not to transform himself and others? Hell no!"

"Immortals aren't given missions by the mob. The analogy is flawed."

"Ah, good, you're up! ... to an extent."

"I feel so used..."

"Oh, sure, interrupt the duck..."

"(After Justin asks if DD should be attracted to ducks) Gee, I don't know, shouldn't you be attracted to women?"

"Hey, I'm a magic talking duck who specializes in distraction! Being a master of illusion makes sense, but shapeshifting? That would be downright nutty!"

"What part of "master" are you failing to understand?"

"Oh, c'mon! That guy as a chick ticklemonger wearing a bikini? How is that not not funny?"

"Nah, I get all sorts of action."

"Helena: I can't take this anymore!"

"Helena: Immortals can lie! I'm five hundred feet tall! Cats are just small dogs! All cakes are pies! People only use ten percent of their brain! The moon landing was a hoax! The loch ness monster is big foot! Men buy adult magazines for the articles!"

"Van: We did a thing that needed doing! If you did what you should've done, guilt is a waste of time! Focus on what you need to do next!"

"Dwight: I didn't mean in general. I mean about big, on the record—"

"Liam: ENOUGH!"

"Liam: Ultimately, these reasons to distrust uryuoms are excuses. If they were not there, people would invent other ways to rationalize it."

"Liam: The prejudice against uryuoms boils down to them originating from somewhere else, and being different."

"Liam: They cannot use the same magic everyone else can, and we deny them the technology they could use to bridge the gap."

"Liam: This limits their work options, and denies them conveniences others take for granted."

"Liam: Prejudices are passed on, and those in power make scapegoats of them."

"Liam: We created, and perpetuate, the situation they're in, and then judge them for not doing more."

"Edward: You include yourself in that."

"Liam (thinking): Is that... anger under his mask?"

"Liam: I am an advocate for change, but I cannot pretend I stand outside the system."

"Liam: Especially not when I am as highly ranked in society as a griffin can be."

"Liam: Whether I like it or not, I am a part of this unjust system, and must remain so if I am to be of any use to anyone."

"(for a showdown between Elliot and the goo monster): Be sure to place your potentially illegal and morally objectionable bets now 'cause once this gets started it won't be over 'til it's over!"

"This overly-descriptive thought bubble has been brought to you by the Lucky Bunny Bounty Show, now in reruns."

"(in Filler): After being introduced to Espresso, Dance Music, and Cotton Candy, all within five minutes of each other, Grace was no longer detectable by the naked eye. You knew she was around, however, as sudden wind currents and random objects being knocked over served as evidence of the super-hyper squirrel girl's presence."

"Overly descriptive narration is your friend."

"Badass hair flowing in the wind effect with no wind is your friend."

"And since we have an extra panel, let's observe the Dunkels having dessert, shall we? …Yeesh…"

"Horns digitally added to emphasize mischieviousness."

"Translated from the noble language of the squirrels."

"Look!! Snazzy hands-free phone gear!!"

"They stayed up watching movies until dawn, an act that they will no doubt regret during the day that follows... for tomorrow night will be painted black..."

"Insert graphic adult images here."

"Magic nose beepage!"

"INCONVENIENT CUT SCENE!"

"(in Filler): Yay legality!"

"Thank-you pounce!"

"Sarah didn't know what to expect from her male form, but one thing can be said for certain... She had expected more."

"Man Do I Love Knowing Who That Is and You Don't."

"WHAT?! But...Past...Reveal...Argh!"

"Hey Man, Rollerblading Is Hard. That or I Just Suck at It."

"Remember: REAL Hammers Do REAL Damage."

"The German Scientist's Name Is Dr. Germahn???"

"The Non-Triumphant Return of the Coat of Solitude."

"You Don't Know How Tempting It Was to Take the Wind Effect a Step Further."

"On Strike; No Title for You!"

"Catnip: A Nifty Substance that Drives Cats Insane with Its Minty Smell that Can Be Released by Rolling Around in It."

"My Goonish Sense Is Tingling!"

"Power Goes Up, Power Goes Down, Power Goes Up, Power..."

"And From the Shadows Came Forth Jeremy."

"Highly Skilled at Not Giving a Crap."

"There Are Occasional Benefits to Being Large."

"Hello, My Name Is Dan, and This Comic Made Me Cry."

"A Touching Offer of Physical Violence."

"Perhaps She's a Teddsexual?"

"AAAA!!! MY VIRGIN EARS!!!"

""Nanase: Scantily Clad for Hire" OR "Justin's Frustration" OR PERHAPS "Justin's Cat Out of the Bag" OR MAYBE "Dan Couldn't Decide on a Title"."

"This Comic Was Brought to You by the Same Sponsors that Supply Us with Sickeningly Football-Like Coverage of the Military Action in Iraq."

"Uryuomoco Is a Lovely Language."

"Mourn the Loss of Tedd's Soda."

"Gaspity-Gasp-gasp! NOBODY Could've Seen THIS Coming!"

"It's Hard to Stay Angry at a Naked Chick."

"Worst. Taunt. EVER."

"I Love Things that Logically Never Should Have Been Made Being Put to Good Use."

"Can You Smell the Suspense? I Know I Can! *Sniff.*"

"Holy Gingersnaps! Might the Party Not Happen now?! Curse this Suspenseful Suspense!"

"Yay! I've Been Looking Forward to This Bizarre Sequence for Months!"

"Given Grace's Views on Nudity, This Could Have Been Worse."

"Cats Make Good Props."

"Suspension of Disbelief #967--Being Morphed by a Beam of Energy Is Good For You."

"Holy Skimpy Kitty! What Program Are They Using?"

"Waking Up with a Squirrel in One's Face is Normally a Bad Thing."

"Tedd, the Insecure Don Juan."

"The Nerve of Her Being Likeable!"

"A Party Just Isn't a Party without Notes."

"If There's More to this Comic than Happy Naked Nanase, I'm Too Distracted to Notice."

"Duck-Like Distractive Powers of a Meddling Moment-Breaking Sarah."

"By 'Get a Room', They Mean... Play Board Games! Yes... Board Games..."

"None Can Stand Alone Against a Septet of Puppy Eyes!"

"Love Cares Not for the Woes of Logic."

"Tedd Makes a Sexy Bride. Yeah, I said It."

"El Goonish Shive"

"El Goonish Shive Sketchbook (was Filler)"

"El Goonish Shive: Newspaper"

"The El Goonish Shive Wiki"

"Aeris: I've taken heavy losses and the Zerg have us pinned. If your reinforcements don't make it here soon it's all over!"

"Leo: Wow! What an amazing and high detail error screen. You sure did get your money's worth on this..."

"Pit from Kid Icarus: You know I was this close to getting into Smash Bros. It's all politics really..."

"n00b: Wut buttun is fly up?/"

"Leo: It's about those alien face huggers. They clamp to your face and implant their babies into your stomach, right?"

"Leo: GAWD, it's SO hot out. Hot like my butt, which really isn't that hot. No. Not with that face growing out of it. If you touch it you can see the future. You know like that Total Recall Movie. Only totally not! They ripped me off. Would you like to see the future?"

"Leo: Spare monies for a noob?..Heal plz?..How I mine for fish?"

"Narrator: Finally...You can't hurt da Blob! Well not physically anyway."

"Edward Elric: At last we've found it, Al. The Philosopher.."

"Aeris: Oh bloody hell, [my iPod's] frozen again? I just bought this!"

"Edward Elric: Al… I'm going to transplant Mom's tulips."

"Will Wright: So it's got butts for eyes?"

"Robot: Brave citizens of the land, fear not! The Republic of Morskoj has come to liberate you!"

"Aeris: Check out that gear. [Points to armour on wall rack.] It's a huge defense boost."

"Koopa: All the king requires is this. A simple offering of earth and water. A token offering of submission to the will of Koopa."

"Ethan: A talking, flying bottle of booze? Great, I've fucking snapped."

"Ethan: And yet, if I were to sneak in at night and plant an axe into your skull, I would go to jail. How is that justice?!"

"Lucas: No! Fuck you! I am NOT downloading 160GB of porn for you!"

"Ethan: See, you're cute. You can't be a cute girl and play video games. This would tear the fabric of the universe."

"Grisham J. Hardbottle, P.I.: Like a tree, cut down in its prime, I was stumped."

"Ethan: A part of me has died today. It's all Britney Spears' fault."

"Lucas: "...And then every single one of my brain cells cried out in joyful unison, that they would be spared further torment at the hands of this fucknut-saturated environment.""

"Casey Collins: Girls aren't objects. They're people too. Treat them as such. Because remember - It's pretty fucking hard to play video games with broken thumbs!"

"Lucas: You have an incredible ability to make me feel remarkably less self-conscious about my own geekiness."

"Ethan: Who dares knock on my door when I'm doing stuff, so that I have to get up, and stop doing stuff?"

"Chef Brian: Yes Clancy! My existential shell is filled with the dreams of wild chipmunks! Thank you for asking!"

"Lilah: I'm going to die at the hands of an X-Box.. how embarrassing."

"Emma: Maybe if rock-climbing required a directional pad, you'd be more willing. Oh, maybe we can find a video game that lets us pretend to be out doing something exciting."

"Zeke: Relax, I'm not going to squash your skull with a single hand or anything like that."

"Ethan: Phone, pillow says he'll suffocate me if you don't shut the hell up. I'm being held hostage by the bed linens. My life is in your hands, phone."

"Ethan: Books are only for deaf and blind people that can't enjoy movies."

"Lucas: A gaming religion, eh? That sounds like another excuse to wear a silly hat and get himself or our personal belongings broken."

"Ethan: Demos are like conjugal visits. They give you a taste and then snatch it away, leaving you wanting more."

"Home Depot Employee: Yep, I've got just what you're looking for. This is our Colombian Drug Lord series of balcony railings and window frames. They all come equipped with stylish tie-hooks for easy access should you, your family, or a raiding law enforcement agency want to rappel down to a lower level instead of using the stairs. No villa hideout should be without them!"

"Zeke: This is all backwards. Humans are supposed to be my bitches."

"Ethan: This is five liters, man. That's like a hundred of our American gallons."

"Ethan: That's the 'idiot tax'. It's our fee for having to put up with your stupid questions."

"Mickey: I've never sarcasmed someone into a coma before, but I'm up for the challenge."

"Tim: Management is all about appearing to be awake while actually asleep"

"Mayor's hallucination: It is almost impossible for me to tell you just how cool everything is going to be right now."

"Investigator (after finding a wallet at a crime scene): Its leather exterior suggests a man of substance. The copious identification within implies a man who knows exactly who he is — and why."

"Esther: It's dynamite when you aren't the one being stalked by the Death-Beast! Whose name suggests that it is a beast who makes you die."

"Erin: I mind my own business! And any other business that needs minding."

"Shelley: I've got a milkshake with an umbrella in it! It cannot be diluted by rain! Not any more!"

"Hugo: Powers be inside, friend, like your kidneys. You cannot lose them. Well. Except maybe in a grisly accident where part of your head and brain be lost. Ha ha!"

"Shelly: Oh moon, oh troublesome orb. Staring at the earth with envious eye. Wishin' it was wet, for it's parlously dry."

"Ryan: Dang. So drunk contracts don't count? If I'd known that, I could have saved the Merchant Navy a lot of trouble. And by "trouble," I mean "seafaring vessels"."

"Rule 1. Pillage, then burn."

"Rule 2. A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on."

"Rule 3. An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody."

"Rule 4. Close air support covereth a multitude of sins."

"Rule 5. Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart."

"Rule 6. If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it."

"Rule 8. Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock."

"Rule 9. Never turn your back on an enemy."

"Rule 10. Sometimes the only way out is through... through the hull"

"Rule 11. Everything is air-droppable at least once."

"Rule 12. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head."

"Rule 13. Do unto others."

"Rule 15. Only you can prevent friendly fire."

"Rule 16. Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth."

"Rule 17. The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster."

"Rule 21. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow."

"Rule 22. If you can see the whites of their eyes, somebody's done something wrong."

"Rule 24. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a big gun."

"Rule 27. Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence."

"Rule 28. If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you."

"Rule 29. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less."

"Rule 30. A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go."

"Rule 31. Only cheaters prosper."

"Rule 33. If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed."

"Rule 34. If you’re leaving scorch marks, you need a bigger gun."

"Rule 35. That which does not kill you has made a tactical error."

"Rule 36. When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support."

"Rule 37. There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "I need to reload.""

"Rule 38. Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients."

"Rule 39. There is a difference between spare parts and extra .... [maxim cut off]"

"Rule 40. Not all good news is enemy action."

"Rule 41. "Do you have a backup?" means "I can't fix this.""

"Rule 42. "They'll never expect this" means "I want to try something stupid.""

"Rule 43. If it's stupid and it works, it's still stupid and you're lucky"

"Rule 44. If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool."

"Rule 45. The size of the combat bonus is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it."

"Rule 47. Don't expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream engagement."

"Rule 49. Every client is one missed payment away from becoming a target."

"Rule 51. Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it."

"Rule 70. Failure is not an option. It is mandatory. The option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do."

"Mayberry Melonpool"

"Ralph Zinobop"

"Ralphie Zinobop"

"Sam T. Dogg"

"Conversations"

"I've got a... Uh... Uh... Oh yeah, a pornographic memory!"

"I had a cat once. It tasted like chicken... What? I was hungry and the store was, like, closed."

""The Pope is dead. Long live the Pope". I must confess that I don't see what the fuss is about... He's just a regular human being like the rest of us. And besides I don't believe in God and all that religious stuff. I believe in myself instead. [pause] I'm going to hell for saying that huh?"

"[to Marcus] You lie to your inflatable doll!!?"

"Do I look like a fucking people person?"

"You call placing duct tape with sticky side up on the floor with cheese on it a mouse trap?"

"I'm afraid we have a lunatic on our hands... Look he's doing it again! That same man from yesterday just drove by and threw a newspaper at our porch!"

"So, you heard about the guy that got sent to jail for sharing Daredevil with Bittorrent? Serves him right, spreading filth like that..."

""Before you can love others, you must first love yourself". If you all excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom so hold all my calls."

"Should we tell him that "zapatista" has nothing to do with "Frank Zappa"?"

"SYSTEM ERROR - smash your head against the keyboard to continue."

"SHIT HAS HAPPENED - (A)BORT, (R)ETRY, (G)ET A BEER?"

"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."

"Oh, butterpumpkins."

"Hey, kids! Uncle Ohm says "Sin is in!""

"Did somebody order a DEAD MANATEE!?"

"Oh hold on, I'm sorry. It's just I was up all night, murdering your wife."

"Wheel doesn't grease itself."

"You killed Captain Clown.... YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN!!"

"Souls of the damned! I realize you are all condemned to eternally experiencing the utmost levels of pain, but I have good news!... I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

"Oh, never fucking mind. I'm gonna go poke Jack the Ripper with a pointy stick."

"When Karnella's your ace in the hole, you're not just scraping the bottom of the barrel, you've thrown the barrel away."

"Bring the whole family to meet our mascot, Rapist the Clown!"

"I'd like to watch a zebra walk by a white picket fence at night. That'd be nuts."

"Being a vampire would suck."

"Ha ha! Res!"

"I babyproofed my house recently. Now there's no way in hell a baby's getting in here."

"Someone needs to just tell John Goodman, "Mr.Goodman, please. It's a menu. Not a to-do list.""

"If someone answered my phone call with "Where you at?" I'd have to ask them "Where you at?" So I could hunt them down, and kill them."

""Do you like to work with your hands?" As if I have a choice."

"The fire department could increase their numbers by about 2 million per year if they recruited directly from elementary school."

"Pintsize: Hook me up to the monitor. I'll download you some nice, cheerful porn."

"Sara: What do you think would happen if I just grabbed him and humped him behind the counter next time he comes in?"

"Faye: I think you would fulfill a fantasy shared by every shy, submissive boy on the planet. Hump away!"

"Faye [on the phone]: Hello? Oh, hey mom. Nothing much, just going out to dinner with a friend. Yes, a boy. No, it's not a date. No, I didn't bring the tazer. Mom, he's not a serial rapist, he's a nice guy. Okay I have to go. Bye mom."

"Marten: Wow, is your mom always that concerned for your personal safety?"

"Faye: You're lucky she's not here in person. You'd have been maced for walking so close to me."

"Faye: I'm just gonna pretend that a roll of quarters in your pocket is what I feel poking into my hip."

"Faye: You almost had a date! But you got dumped at the last minute in favor of an epiphany."

"Marten: Expending all the effort to get the seal off makes the music that much more enjoyable once you get the CD out of the jewel case."

"Steve: Kind of like taking off a girl's bra?"

"Marten: Yeah, except CDs don't start giggling if it takes you more than fifteen seconds."

"Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture."

"Faye: Now buy me a shot of whatever hell-brew you two have been drinking and let's get this party started."

"Marten: Perhaps not the wisest decision, but a good decision nonetheless!"

"Jimbo: Where I come from, we just shorten that sentence to "woo!""

"Faye: Since when'd you get two couches in here?"

"Marten: One of them is a special couch that only drunk people can see."

"Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike."

"Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the presence of your Lord"."

"Dora: Marten, you'd go out with Faye, right?"

"Marten: I plead the Fifth."

"Dora: Aww, he's terrified of you. Definitely your type, Faye darling."

"Faye: I have attained girlvana!"

"Dora: While they are witty, your comments inch you closer to unemployment with every passing second."

"Dora: So do you just want some coffee or would you prefer a quick fuck on the counter?"

"Marten: Guh buh duh huh wha?"

"Dora: I'm just kidding, you ass. Faye is right, you are cute when you get flustered."

"Marten: Remind me, which of you is the evil twin of the other?"

"Faye: I will kick Steve's ass at drinking the booze, I will kick Pintsize's ass at Trivial Pursuit, and I will kick Dora's ass at being a sexy thing!"

"Marten: Heh. I like how you're talking about kicking people's asses while making punching motions."

"Faye: Don't you sass me! You will be added to the list! I can make room for one more!"

"Faye: I will drink you so far under the table you will come out in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in China!"

"Faye: A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets."

"Marten: It was like being caught in the headlights of a landing 747. A 747 whose passengers were sexiness and rage."

"Marten: Okay, either I'm having my first wet dream in ten years, or Pintsize put some LSD in my Cheerios this morning."

"Marten: Oh my gosh, I think that's one of MY old vibrators! Man, that thing's probably spent over 250 hours in my ass over the years. I thought I'd never see it again when I put it up on eBay two weeks ago!"

"[Faye drops the vibrator.]"

"Faye [rolling up her sleeve]: I hope you are aware that your little put-on has earned you a brutal punching."

"Marten: The look on your face just now was totally worth it."

"Marten: I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still kinda in tit-shock."

"Marten [re: Faye and Dora]: See what I mean? They're like two wet cats fighting in a sack."

"Pintsize: Only sexier!"

"Faye: Actually, it is a credit to your character that you would ply me with drink not to try and get some action, but to hear me say funny words and southern slang."

"Faye [to Dora]: Okay, that does it. We are going to a veterinary clinic to have you spayed."

"Pintsize: He doesn't have to wake up, you know. I have a laser, and we have a garbage disposal."

"Amanda: That was the day I learned there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner."

"Marten: At that point you might as well just say, "do you mind? I'm kinda busy," and then go back to what you were doing, because you know it can't get any worse."

"Marten: I live to serve your self-esteem, oh radiant goddess of utmost beauty."

"Faye: Ooh! Say that again, but do it without rolling your eyes this time."

"Faye: Comparing most girls to me is like comparing Sputnik to a space-borne death laser."

"Faye: If a lady's junk is quiverin', her man must be deliverin'!"

"Faye: Delicious bourbon"

"Steve: Now, is a Smarmadon a type of Smarmosaur, or is it the other way around?"

"Marten: I feel sexy now. All makin' ladies' panties wet from 100 yards away - a Sex Jedi!"

"Marten: I need to learn some new profanity, 'cause the old standards just aren't cutting it in this situation."

"Dora: Our culture doesn't get smarter, it just finds new ways of being retarded."

"Faye: Yes! Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!"

"Ellen: I should just date a shower massage. They don't care about age."

"Pintsize: When talking about the human experience, it all comes around to poopin' eventually."

"Pintsize: I'm a performance artist, and my medium is irate ladies."

"Pintsize: The Quakers were masters of siege warfare."

"Dora: Yes, I realize that projecting my internal dialogue onto my cat is perhaps not the healthiest way of dealing with stressful situations."

"Mieville: Meow."

"Dora: No, murder is not the answer. You always suggest that."

"Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape!"

"Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package."

"Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting."

"Faye: Your honesty is the knife twisting in the wound that is my conscience. Also, that was the most emo thing I have ever said. Please just shoot me now before I metaphor again."

"Marten: Appealing to Steve's libido has always been more effective than appealing to his conscience."

"Pintsize: It was like being hit by a freight train carrying eighty tons of SEX!"

"Steve: And as my dad says, "if she's good in bed and not a crazy bitch, she's a keeper.""

"Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children."

"Pintsize: Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer."

"Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons."

"Dora: Well yeah, but not before they pay."

"Raven: Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I'm far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery."

"Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana!"

"Marten: At this point it's either continue to be patient or kill you and dump your body in a ditch, and I wouldn't last five minutes in prison."

"Faye: You could plead not guilty by reason of insanity on my part. "The bitch was CRAZY, Your Honor!" The judge will let you off the hook and then invite you out for a beer so he can complain to you about his ex-wife and rebellious daughter."

"Marten [to Steve]: I should probably stage an intervention or send you to detox or something, but your descent into the booze-madness is honestly pretty entertaining."

"Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage."

"Faye: When a housecat kills a human he is regarded as a god by his feline peers."

"Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel is a lot more work than you think."

"Marten: Man, I'd be the worst praying mantis ever. "Oh sure, you can bite my head off without mating with me, I understand. You have ISSUES.""

"Hannelore: Hey, I wouldn't be all that great myself. "Oh sure, you can mate with me once I've finished grooming my claws and OH GOD A PIECE OF APHID IS STUCK TO THEM I HAVE TO GO BOIL MYSELF AAGH""

"Hannelore: Okay Hannelore, moral debate time. Do we leave quietly and hope the shock erased his short-term memory of this evening, or do we call the hospital and hope Faye doesn't come home soon?"

"Pintsize: I don't know who you are but I like your style."

"Faye: Now, the expected thing fer me to do here would be to flip out 'an make a big scene, but given what I've seen of Marty's prowess with th' ladies I'm guessin' there's a perfectly rational explanation fer all this."

"Faye: Figures the first girl you bring home'd be a stalker."

"Dora: You're useless when you're high on catnip, you know that?"

"Mieville: Mewww mew?"

"Dora: No I will NOT put on Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz for you. Goddamned stoner cat."

"Raven: "Frame of mind"? What does that have to do with dating? Be like Toucan Sam! Follow your nose! Or, uh, your junk. Be a horny Toucan Sam!"

"Raven: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack."

"Dora: Cashmere is comfy, but it just can't compare with steaming human entrails."

"Pintsize: Ooh, you're going to Savannah? Take me with you!"

"Faye: No way. Sherman didn't burn the city and I'm not gonna let you do it either."

"Faye: Life would be so much easier if violence really was a good way of solving problems. I wasn't meant to be a young lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a Mongol warlord."

"Dora: Genghis Khan would have been totally emo over you."

"Raven: I like how Axe body spray smells, but it doesn't make me want to hump inanimate objects like in the commercials. Which is sort of disappointing."

"Dora: You sure you can handle closing all by yourself, Raven?"

"Raven: Uh-huh! If anyone asks me for a drink I don't know how to make I'll just hit 'em with a carafe and drag 'em out back."

"Dora: Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work well."

"Marten: I think I exude a pheromone that causes existential conflict in ladies. I'm like some sort of rare Uncertainty Moth."

"Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points."

"Hannelore: You don't have to try very hard to play free-jazz. Just throw a saxophone down a flight of stairs."

"Dora: Can you see the little dollar signs in my pupils? Those little dollar signs represent PROFITS."

"Marten: Really? I thought they were just novelty contact lenses."

"Pintsize: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot."

"Faye: Is there a full moon tonight or something? There must be a reason every boy I know is acting RETARDED."

"Marten: Is there a reason this [employment application] is written in iambic pentameter?"

"Tai: Oh, joyous day, you passed the test! You're hired."

"Marten: What? Oh, I get it. Librarian humor."

"Tai: Dewey decimal system? Do we EVER!"

"Marten: Is there a word for when somebody does something completely illogical, but in a perfectly logical manner? Because I really could use that word right now."

"Faye: Dora's beauty regimen involves goat's blood, grave dust, and a full STD test."

"Dora: Yeah well FAYE'S beauty regimen involves a box of donuts, a shot of bourbon, and self-deception."

"Raven: Sometimes I can't tell whether you guys are friends or you hate each other."

"Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery."

"Hannelore: Don't you try and out-creepy me, little man. My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare"."

"VespAvenger: Any last words?"

"Faye [to Dora]: Why are you grabbing my butt?"

"Dora: If I gotta go, I might as well go happy."

"Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats."

"Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor."

"Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated."

"Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn."

"Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you.""

"Faye: Screw the bar, let's get drunk and play with Hanners' suction cups!"

"Dora: I will not tolerate mutiny! Not even if chocolate is involved!"

"Tai: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Especially if it's been soaked in cheap whiskey."

"Hannelore: Hey, what are those two assembly robots doing? THAT doesn't look like part of the assembly process."

"Faye: It could be, if the robot on top doesn't pull out in time."

"Pintsize: Mom?!"

"Hannelore: Can I HANDLE it? I am a cleaning NINJA. I'll make that dirt my BITCH."

"Faye: If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping."

"Faye: Well that's just awful. I have just the thing to cheer you up, though - a 100% genuine unicorn hair, guaranteed to grant you eternal life. Only two thousand dollars!"

"Dora [to Hannelore]: Your mom should write a book "Everything I Needed to Know About Management I Learned From Watching James Bond Movies.""

"Dora: Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past."

"Marten: If that's true, then wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future."

"Faye: And common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot NOW."

"Marten: In Canada they have socialized asskicking. It's called "hockey.""

"Hannelore: Oh! It was a pun! I'm sorry. Daddy didn't allow puns when I was growing up."

"Faye: My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!"

"Steve: Holy shit. He's a serial killer. He has to be. NOBODY'S that perfect."

"Marten: I wonder what cymbal testers do for fun. Hihat scrimshaw? Novelty gong-craft? Or do they just go home, take twenty Advils, and listen to the soothing sounds of felt?"

"Faye: You DO know that Hanners is off-limits, right?"

"Sven: I see flashing lights, dudes in hard hats waving flags, and about three miles of caution tape. There's a big sign that says "DETOUR - ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTENCE.""

"Faye: Are you always this smug after you ravish a lady?"

"Hannelore: Man, good thing human females don't have venomous ovipositors, huh?"

"Hannelore: When you're done having, uh, sex, what do you say?"

"Faye: Huh?"

"Hannelore: I mean, do you say "thank you" or "good job" or "that was fun" or what?"

"Faye: Um, I guess you COULD..."

"Hannelore: "Boy, that sure triggered a lot of MY dopamine receptors! Thanks for helping me trick my body into believing it fulfilled its genetic imperative!""

"Faye: That's a bit... clinical for pillow talk."

"Raven: I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box but I'm not THAT gullible."

"Hannelore: Really? So you're NOT all highly-trained actors being paid off by my parents to offer me the illusion of a normal social life?"

"Hannelore: As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay."

"Sven: "Roses are red,"

"Pintsize: Human cusswords focus on mating, excretion and genitalia. Robot cusswords focus on mashing on homerow. ASDF is a four-letter word."

"Faye: There once was a girl named Penelope"

"Tai: Th-that was probably just somebody's escaped tarantula. Right?"

"Sven: What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry my friend is a creepy motherfucker, but will you please go out on a date with him anyway?""

"Faye: Sven and I are acquaintances, who occasionally happen to bump into each other. Naked. With our crotches."

"Marten: Man, I wish I'd had those kind of female acquaintances back in college."

"Pintsize: What do humans typically do when they find themselves leaking an unknown substance from one of their orifices?"

"Sven: A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long."

"Marten: Dammit, how come girls are only interested in me now that I'm dating someone?!"

"Tai: People in committed relationships emit a pheromone that makes them more attractive."

"Marten: I gotta get some stronger deodorant."

"Hannelore: Beethoven's Fifth reminds me of Canada. I don't know why. I've never been to Canada."

"Sven: Since when do you get to judge my worth as a person? You're my intern, not my conscience."

"Lydia: I'm double majoring in Music and Being a Decent Human Being."

"Marten: There are other fish in the sea, and they're not all Asshole Cod."

"Sven: I'd self-immolate but I wouldn't want to inconvenience the neighbors."

"Steve: Any recent Faye drama I should be aware of?"

"Marten: I could try and explain, or you could just watch a random episode of "Days of our Lives.""

"Hannelore: Marten, your girlfriend is thinking dirty thoughts about me! Make her stop!"

"Faye: My right boob sags a little more than my left. I call it the Underachiever."

"Hannelore: My name is Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. I end messes."

"Marten: After what happened with Sven, I don't wanna see you get hurt like that again."

"Faye: So, what, if I try to throw myself at some crappy boy you're gonna tackle me?"

"Marten: Actually, I'll use a net. Hannelore will administer a sedative, and Dora will drive the getaway van."

"Sven: My artistic integrity wears a gimp suit and lives in a box."

"Marten: Bartender, fetch us some frosty beers and fancy outfits!"

"Marten: Dude, if a park ranger warns you about the bears, it ain't cause he's tryin' to keep all the bear hugs for himself."

"Marten: But I figure you're better off strikin' out swingin' than watchin' the balls go past."

"Angus: So I should watch out for the bears, but not be afraid to swing if they toss me a ball?"

"Marten: It's an awful mixed analogy, but I'd watch the SHIT out of that if it was on ESPN."

"Pintsize: Do not mock the Breast Jihad!"

"Faye: Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you! What a delightful wave of nostalgia!"

"Faye: I demand a tumbler full of gin and a fainting couch!"

"Hannelore: Um, what's this?"

"Dora: It's coffee. Like you asked for?"

"Hannelore: How... how does it work?"

"Dora: You put it down on the counter, then go back to your apartment and go to sleep."

"Hannelore: Ohhhhh."

"Pintsize: Aw, man, now I want wang-limbs."

"Marten: You have a black velvet painting of yourself in your bedroom?"

"Dora: "Us?" No, no, no, I'm a small business owner. You're the underachieving peon."

"Tai: I'm glad you have a sense of humor, but could you please not bring it to work with you?"

"Dora: OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY"

"Henry: Faye, it was lovely meeting you. I, ah, about last night, did I do something... untoward?"

"Faye: Not at all! I think our arrangement is gonna work out just fine. I'm pretty sure I was ovulating, and I feel the most wonderful... GLOW this morning, just like mom did when I was conceived! Now remember, fifty grand when it's born or the little bastard goes to China to make Nikes."

"Henry: W-what..."

"Maurice: Oh Henry, you're gonna be a father! Again!"

"Marten: Stop messing with my dad, guys. You're gonna give him a heart attack."

"Tai: Guys this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED."

"Marten: Dear universe: if this is really how you work, may I please have a 1952 Telecaster?"

"Steve: Haha, well, you know that picture of me flexin' in front of the grizzly bear? That's actually my girlfriend. But don't worry, we have an open relationship."

"[Beat panel.]"

"Cosette: Meh, could be worse. You wanna come upstairs?"

"Steve: Who the hell have you been going on dates with?"

"Angus: I maybe a social leper, but at least my weirdo shut-in gamer roommate still likes me! HOORAY!"

"Faye: I have great tits coded right into my genes!"

"Faye: I'm taking your boyfriend to dinner, Dora. I promise to return him in pristine condition."

"Dora: You better. If there are any dents or scratches on him I'm keeping the security deposit."

"Faye: You are a true friend, Flower Pits."

"Hannelore: I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME."

"[Pintsize is meeting Dora's cat, Mieville, for the first time.]"

"Pintsize: That's right, approach and submit to me, the superior being! Th- that's close enough... uh..."

"[Mieville gives him a slasher smile.]"

"[Mieville rubs all over Pintsize, purring.]"

"Dora: Aww, look! They're friends!"

"Marten: Friends... right..."

"Pintsize: When the singularity hits I will BECOME PORN."

"Marten: "Sure, my lawn is made of solid gold, but my neighbor's AstroTurf looks so inviting.""

"Tai: My ideal is basically you, only single."

"Dora: Then once they perfect cloning technology, you can have Dora-2."

"Marten: I call dibs on Doras three through fifteen. Gonna start me a clone-harem."

"Faye: What's with the cricket bat, Hanners?"

"Hannelore: I, uh, thought you might've snapped and, um, started killing everyone."

"Faye: Geez, glass houses, lady! Glass houses!"

"Dora: I'm glad I'm not the only one with a contingency plan for that."

"Faye: What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?"

"Dora: If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt."

"Pintsize: I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga!"

"Dora: I swear, you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers."

"Wil: I do believe that young lady was attempting to hit on you."

"Sven: Meh. Could you grab me a fresh napkin? This one's got phone number all over it."

"Faye: Tsk, it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts."

"Marten: There needs to be a word for those brief moments of clarity where you realize how profoundly weird your life is."

"Hannelore: I take medication to prevent those moments. Would you like some?"

"Dora: Come ON, Marten, get in here and stick your cock in me already!"

"Faye: CHRIST, woman, we're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here! You can have his cock in a minute!"

"Dora: BUT I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWWW"

"Marten: I realize there's a certain lowering of boundaries that comes with us all living together, but this is ridiculous."

"Hannelore: Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people!"

"Dora: You have the most AMAZING RACK in that dress. It is seriously incredible."

"Tai: I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie!"

"Hannelore: My favorite part was when you took on those four guys at once! And then that giant dog!"

"Faye: Stockholm Syndrome makes for extremely loyal, productive employees. That's how Apple does it!"

"Dora: No, that's Stock OPTIONS Syndrome. Totally different motivation mechanism."

"Dora: I need to know if she's a reliable employee, not how good she is in bed."

"Steve: The same qualities apply! She's goal-oriented, good at staying on-task, takes direction well but readily displays her own initiative..."

"Cosette: CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS IN PUBLIC"

"Hannelore: Oh my gosh, first I get a REAL JOB, then I HUG SOMEONE IN A SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE MANNER? I'm making so much progress today! Maybe I'm finally ready to try TACO BELL!"

"Dora: I don't believe in curses, but you're also not going to see me walking under a ladder while holding a black cat."

"Faye: Would that cancel out? Or is it like multiplying two negative numbers?"

"Faye: That throw was AMAZING! You hit me square in the head from like 20 feet away! We should get you some TOMAHAWKS!"

"Penelope: Could you show me how to do that judo-hold you put me in? It REALLY hurt!"

"Dora: I'd fire you both, but I'm afraid you'd team up and start robbing convenience stores or something."

"Cosette: The contempt-face isn't working. What do I do?"

"Faye: This one's a special case. I recommend the 9-iron."

"Angus: Oh what, I have to be an EMPLOYEE to haze the rookie?"

"Faye [clinking glasses with Angus]: Well, here's to compromise, then."

"Angus: May we be able to look back on our lives when we're old and say "meh, good enough, I guess.""

"Faye: I don't know what's going on in that crazy purple head of yours, but you better get it in check before you fuck EVERYTHING up. If you haven't already."

"Sven: Oh hey, if you know any cute single girls..."

"[beat panel]"

"Sven: Actually, you should probably keep them away from me. See ya."

"Marten: What is with everyone tonight? Is it some kinda fuckin' angst solstice?"

"Pintsize: LESS TALKING, MORE HOT MAKE-UP SEX"

"Faye: I thought our entire social circle was going to implode all 'cause I didn't put on some goddamn PANTS."

"Dora: To be fair, you weren't wearing a bra, either."

"Sven: You have my word that if she somehow MAGICALLY overcomes her crippling anxieties and throws herself at me, I'll say no."

"Hannelore: I can only think of a couple instances where I'd throw myself at you. Maybe if a bus was coming at us or something."

"Hannelore: Can you explain how, exactly, Sven would "seduce" me?"

"Faye: Okay, here goes. First, he takes you shopping at that store with all the cute little organizational bullshit and buys you whatever you want. Then you eat at that vegan cafe that wins "Cleanest Dining in the Valley" every year. After dinner, you go back to your place, where you watch a movie about fonts he rented. When the movie ends, he turns to you, looks deep into your eyes... and offers to clean your kitchen."

"Faye: I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP"

"Faye: I'd refer you to my therapist but she's already said she won't work with anyone else in my social circle."

"Faye: I oughta get a warning label tattooed under my boobs or something."

"Dora: It's been wonderful, sweetie. It really has. But I think we should call it quits."

"Faye: Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to. You ruined a perfectly good thing for the STUPIDEST REASON POSSIBLE. You need HELP. I'm going to my therapist today, and I'm getting you a referral. And if you don't follow it up, so help me God I WILL put you in the emergency room."

"Marten: Yeah, common side effects of the Worry Hat include silly appearance, headsweats, impaired hearing, and compulsive fiddling with the pom-pom."

"Tai: If you want a free lunch that bad, you can go forage for acorns in the park. How many angry squirrels do you think you could take in a fight?"

"Veronica: ...So, do you want me to kill Dora for you?"

"Marten: What?! No!"

"Veronica: Don't worry about me, honey! I've lived a long, happy life. I wouldn't mind spending my twilight years in prison if it would make you feel better."

"Marten: Love you too, mom."

"Marten: Goddammit, you showed them the picture of me with the dildo, didn't you."

"Veronica: I suppose it would be incredibly bad form for me to seduce you."

"Sven: 'Fraid so."

"Marten: That's it, I'm going back to bed."

"Veronica: Excuse me, is Dora in?"

"Penelope: You must be Marten's mom. She's hiding under the counter."

"Dora: I TOLD YOU TO SAY I WAS IN CANADA"

"Marten: You don't have any opinions or useful advice for me here?"

"Veronica: Honey, I married a gay man and routinely sleep with men old enough to be my children. You're asking the wrong parent."

"Dora: There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 year old go "oh come on, that's a bit much.""

"Faye: If you could have any job in the world, what would you be?"

"Angus: Professional sexmaster."

"Faye: No fictional positions. Especially ones you're not qualified for."

"Angus: Ooh, ouch."

"Angus: ...And the bartender's like "well, that stool wasn't damp BEFORE you sat down, lady.""

"Faye: My boobs are a powerful narcotic."

"Marigold: I fucking HATE IT in movies and TV shows where they have the nerdy weirdo girl and all they have to do is comb her hair and put on some makeup and all of a sudden she's SO BEAUTIFUL HOW DID WE EVER NOT NOTICE BEFORE. That's not how it WORKS in real life. It's BULLSHIT."

"Tai: This is either butterflies in my stomach or food poisoning. I really hope it's just food poisoning."

"Hannelore: You had a BONER on my COUCH?!"

"Faye: Are you always this hyperactive after sex, or am I just that good?"

"Angus: Who cares? I'm gonna go wrestle a bear."

"Marten: Please tell me Faye's in the bedroom, and you're not just dancing around my apartment with nothing but a hot pink condom on."

"Angus: It's really more of a puce."

"Marten: Yo dude, you finally tap that ass?"

"Angus: Dude I hit that shit so hard the fuckin' National Endowment for the Arts gave me a grant."

"Marten: Daaaaaaaaaang"

"Faye: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, ASSHOLES"

"Pintsize: I was there for you when you didn't have any human friends! Every time you've ever been depressed, I've listened! When you and Dora broke up, I was the first person to try and make you feel better! And all I get is a FOUR?!"

"Marten: You HARASS all my human friends! You make fun of me if I'm sad! You taped a drawing of Dora's ass to your back and tried to get me to fuck you."

"Pintsize: What I MEANT to say was, "Wow, a four? You're such a great friend, Marten.""

"Hannelore: MARTEN MAKE THE SCARY MAN GO AWAY"

"Marten: You tracked her down at work via Twitter? And took a picture that you were gonna post online without her permission? Do you even UNDERSTAND why that might come off as a little creepy?"

"Faye: It'll be easy to hide the body. I know a place."

"Steve: I dunno, dude. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Letting the rest of us see Tai and Dora makin' out is one of those times."

"Marten: Pintsize said the same thing. I hope you're proud of yourself."

"Steve: Pintsize is a chill bro."

"Raven: I sensed that someone needed help with science and swooped to the rescue!"

"Hannelore: Thank you, Science Fairy!"

"Faye: You're my boafregh. My boyfremb. You're my borthreim. You're... you're my boyfling DAMMIT I'M SORRY"

"Angus: No no, keep trying! This is way cuter than I was expecting!"

"Raven: Ooh, I want a boyfling!"

"Jim: Sorry, my daughter walked back from her mom's place and wanted to know when I'd be home."

"Dora: Aww."

"Samantha: Okay, I totally have time to clean this up."

"Marten: This is weird. I've never really been friends with an ex before."

"Dora: It's nice. I won't have to drag your body out to the old quarry."

"Faye: Are you gonna come in and hang out with us, or sit out here and look all Zen-contented for the rest of the night?"

"Marten: I'd like to come inside but both my legs are asleep."

"Dora: We're both remembering the last time we had sex, aren't we."

"Marten: Second-to-last time, actually."

"Dora: Ooh, yeah. That was way better."

"Dora: Sweetie, your problem's simple. You just have to figure out what you want from life, and then go for it."

"Marten: I want a cheeseburger. And a haircut. Wait, no. Haircut, then cheeseburger. Don't wanna have meat-burps in the barber's face."

"Dora: A truly earthshaking personal epiphany."

"Sentient Toaster: I make bread FUN!"

"Pintsize: Hey, hot stuff. What's your name?"

"Momo: Do you not recognize me, Pintsize? It's me. Momo. THIS is for all the times you tried to look under my skirt! And THIS is for changing my startup tone to farty noises!"

"Marigold: I'm sorry!"

"Marten: It's cool. I'll give her 5 more minutes or until his head caves in, whichever happens first."

"Momo: I can cook for you! Now that I can actually reach the stove and refrigerator, I can make you healthy meals!"

"Marigold: Psh yeah, great. I can't even take care of myself, I need a robot to do it. That's not pathetic at all."

"Momo: I can also reach your head to smack you upside it when you are being unreasonable."

"Marten: Can you just hire someone like that?"

"Tai: Sure, why not? As long as I don't go over budget or burn the library down, I basically have free reign. Besides, how did you think I got your unqualified ass a job?"

"Marten: Hey, my ass has plenty of qualifications!"

"Momo: Is that something you are supposed to put on your resume?"

"Padma: You got a robot pregnant?!"

"[After a Pokemon quiz given to Momo by Samantha.]"

"Marten: Do you really know all that, or are you looking at Wikipedia in your head?"

"Momo: Please. I live with Marigold."

"Samantha: All hail Froglord, king of the amphibians"

"Marten: Note to self: start knocking before entering your apartment."

"Faye: Give me a coping mechanism on the rocks."

"Wil: I don't believe I know that drink."

"Faye: It's easy. You put two ice cubes in a glass, then dump 'em out and fill it with bourbon."

"Marten: Sorry, sorry, it's really hard to have a serious conversation when you're all stuffy-sounding."

"Faye: I do lag a cerdain grabitas ad the mobent."

"Hannelore: I... I think I need a cigarette..."

"Tai: Seriously. Forget girls, I'm an audiosexual now."

"Marten: Your boobs are amazing, too."

"Padma: I know, right? Ever since I was fourteen, it's been like, "Damn, girl!""

"Marten: Dammit Steve, you're supposed to be helping me feel better."

"Steve: Hey, I tried to chestbump you when you told me, but you got all weird about it."

"Faye: I meant it when I said I loved you too."

"Angus: I spent the whole weekend wondering if you just blurted it out 'cause I put you on the spot."

"Faye: Well... yeah, that's kinda what happened. But I did mean it retrospectively!"

"Angus: Good enough."

"Momo: Yes, our years-long struggle to attain even the most basic civil rights is all a smokescreen for our sinister plan to turn you all into nutrient soup for our bio-droids."

"Marigold: Can I be a bio-droid? That sounds cool."

"Clinton: I'll happily operate the soupifier if I can be on you guys' side."

"Hannelore: This is why people scare me more than robots."

"Marigold: You can look at the stars and say "they sure are pretty" without having to calculate how many light-years away each one is."

"Clinton: Not if you want to GET to them someday."

"Hannelore: It took years of therapy before I could look up at night without having a panic attack."

"Marten and Padma [thinking]: I'm in trouble."

"Dora: Oh, he is so screwed."

"Raven: For the next couple weeks, anyway."

"Elliot: You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself. Also, maybe put some pants on."

"Faye: Angus loves me. He LOVES me. And I love him. And I was trying to pin down WHY I love him. He's funny, he's smart, he can stand up to me... But deep down, what if the main reason I love him is that it means I'm not alone? Is that enough?"

"Faye: Now that I feel better, I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies."

"Pintsize: Either this is the best virtual peyote I've ever had, or you really are a talking cactus."

"Hannelore: Sorry, the government made dad take the lasers out."

"Marten: You too, huh?"

"Spaceship: You humans and your faulty plumbing take all the glamor out of space travel."

"Hannelore: I called my dad "Science Daddy" until I was 17."

"Hannelore: You know how obsessive I am about cleanliness? I was WAY worse when I was little. I'd spend days adjusting the bedsheets, or the curtains, or worrying about dust bunnies under the bed, even though Station never let any dust build up. And those were my FUNCTIONAL days. Some days I'd just have constant panic attacks and scream until I passed out. Or I'd be so drugged out on sedatives I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling."

"Hannelore: Wanna see pictures? I have a photo album!"

"Station: Blink once for "go fuck yourself"; twice for "apology accepted"."

"Dora: Why did you give him espresso?! I told you not to give him espresso!"

"Pintsize [in a suit of armor]: NOW ENDS THE AGE OF MAN"

"Faye: That's what we should tell them we missed while they were gone."

"Pintsize: Why can't I wear the wedding dress?!"

"John: Just how old am I now, anyway?"

"Hannelore: You're fifty-six!"

"John: Fifty six?! Good lord, this is no time for a party! I've got so much to accomplish before I die!"

"Dr. Bernadette Case: Now I'm going to toss this apple into the path of the laser! Observe the reaction!"

"Marigold: THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE"

"Marigold: Maybe Station put some kinda cyborg implant in [Hannelore's] brain that made her less crazy!"

"Marten: Marigold, I don't think-"

"Dr. Bernadette Case: Actually, that's one of the more popular theories."

"Marten: Marigold thinks Station gave you a cybernetic implant to help with your, uh, mental problems."

"Hannelore: Station! They KNOW!"

"Station: Acknowleg'd. Releasin' hunter killer drois."

"Hannelore: ...Just kidding."

"Hannelore: I'm going to wash my hands. I want a drink waiting for me when I get back, and they better be at LEAST making eye contact."

"Lt. Potter: FUCK YEAH HUG THE SHIT OUT OF HIM"

"Hannelore: Well, my friends have taught me that a little physical contact isn't so bad once in awhile."

"[Beat panel as John turns to look at Marten.]"

"John: Schtup my daughter, eh? I'll box you stupid and have you out the airlock before you can say Higgs Boson!"

"Hannelore: Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do."

"Marigold: ...Will there be cake?"

"Lt. Potter: Let's get outta here before they start trying to arm-wrestle the hunter-killer droids."

"Marten: I dunno, if they're gonna do THAT I might stick around."

"Hannelore: I love you too, Station. But I can't stay. I'm sorry."

"Sven: If horniness isn't an emotion, I've got more to learn than I thought."

"Dora: So apparently my brother isn't banging tons of girls at random anymore."

"Faye: That's odd. I haven't seen any flying pigs around and last I checked the earth's core was still molten."

"Momo: It gives me hope - it gives ALL of us hope - that one day we will be fully accepted."

"Marten: I hate to sound pessimistic, but we're still working on racism, sexism, homophobia..."

"Momo: We are aware that "one day" may in fact be "another rung up the evolutionary ladder"."

"Claire: Is this some kind of weird hazing ritual?"

"Gabby: I heard if you order a smoothie they just smash up a banana with a hammer and put it in a cup."

"Marten: Wayfarers, Noam Chomsky flyer, and keys to a Volvo. Hampshire student droppings. Lemme show you where we keep the special net."

"Tai: Jeez, now I feel guilty for getting high and watching cartoons all day."

"Faye: We've established Naked Mole Rat Law in this apartment. All who smell different will be expelled. Your gift of fancy wine has earned you a temporary visa."

"Tai: If you think you're a mess, it's only 'cause you hold yourself to a higher standard. And that - is why I'm absolutely crazy about you."

"Hannelore: BUT think how cute your babies would be!"

"Dora: Uh, Hannelore, we're both female, we can't -"

"Hannelore: WE ARE WORKING ON THAT TECHNOLOGY"

"Marten: Just 'cause the cat got out of the bag doesn't mean I'm gonna let it run out the front door and into traffic."

"Clinton: Oh god, you've met Claire? She didn't do anything weird, did she?"

"Faye: That, coming from you?"

"Tai: You promise you're okay with this? For real?"

"Marten: Haha, yeah. I promise. I'm happy for you guys."

"Tai: Good, because right now I would happily sacrifice our friendship for more Dora-kisses."

"Marten: This is what I like about our relationship. The brutal honesty."

"Faye: You make it seem like some kinda trial procedure."

"Dora: And I'm judge, jury, and sexecutioner."

"Hannelore: I'm sorry Dora but I have to turn the hose on you for that pun. Shop rules."

"Tai: Hell yes. My pussy rules."

"Dora: Right now you're just the sexy little redhead who works at the library. But I know there's more to you than that."

"Tai: Okay, here's a fact about me: I apparently get super-flustered when you call me sexy."

"Marten: Did she grab your butt?"

"Tai: Oh yeah, she grabbed the hell out of it."

"Marten: The date went fine. Butt-grabs are Dora-code for "I'm having fun.""

"Faye: What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now?"

"Claire: A large latte, and a "banana smoothie" for Emily."

"Hannelore: It'll be a couple minutes. I have to go wash off the hammer."

"Claire: Your dad? Wait, you're Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham?!"

"Hannelore [brandishing a garden hose]: Don't make me do this! I don't want to but I will!"

"Marten: Modern cybernetics is really sending mixed messages to kids. "Don't play with fireworks, or you'll end up with sweet robot body parts.""

"Momo: Companion AIs are the ambassadors of our kind. We foster understanding and acceptance between humans and AIs. I cannot think of a more noble calling."

"Marigold: STOP DANGING AT ME"

"Angus: This is a trap, isn't it. Emily's luring us into the woods so she can hunt us for sport."

"Faye [brandishing a knife]: I'm prepared."

"Marten: Hello? Emily? Anybody home?"

"[Emily comes out from behind a corner, wearing a goalie mask and holding a hand axe. Faye, Marten, Momo and Angus stare at her.]"

"Angus [while Faye is brandishing her knife]: Called it."

"Marten [re: Emily]: Oh lord, we've adopted another one."

"Faye: If she follows you home, you're in charge of feeding her."

"Cosette: Twenty bucks and I'll let you grab his butt."

"Claire: I DON'T WANNA GRAB HIS lemme go get my wallet"

"Steve: I love you, man! I love you!"

"Marten: Dude we have talked about this."

"Claire: Marten, hey."

"Marten: What's up?"

"Claire: I... I'm trans. And... since we're friends, I thought you'd like to know that about me."

"Marten: Yeah, sure. Thanks for telling me, Claire."

"Claire: You really worry about accidentally outing me, don't you."

"Clinton: I just... wanna make sure you're safe."

"Momo: What do you do all day, then?"

"Pintsize: Do you have any idea how much pornography there is on the internet?"

"Momo: Ugh, no."

"Pintsize: Neither do I. BUT I INTEND TO FIND OUT."

"Marten: There was no sex involved."

"Pintsize: Well it's my headcanon and you should respect that."

"Momo: You should not have been assigned Pintsize as your companion."

"Marten: Well it worked out all right in the end, so -"

"Pintsize: YOU MEAN I COULDA BEEN WITH A HOT CHICK THIS WHOLE TIME?!"

"Marigold: I wonder where Pintsize sleeps. In Marten's room?"

"Momo: In a Faraday cage? Duct taped to the wall? In a lead-lined box at the bottom of the ocean?"

"Jim: Okay Sam, let's go. You're in big trouble."

"Samantha [wearing a skull mask, on top of Faye's shoulders]: THERE IS NO SAM HERE THERE IS ONLY SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS"

"Jim: Well you better FIND her, because she's ALREADY grounded for a week, and if I don't see her face in the next 3 seconds I'm extending it to a MONTH."

"Samantha: PUNY MORTAL! YOUR FEEBLE THREATS ARE NOTHING TO SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS"

"Dora: Holy crap, she doubled down!"

"Samantha: But I didn't say those things, Skullmaster did!"

"Jim: Well if it makes you feel better, you're both grounded."

"Tai: Emily is giggling. Should we be worried?"

"Marten: I'm gonna go get some coffee. If she's still doing it when I get back, I'll call the paramedics."

"Hannelore: Hey Marten! Faye and Dora left me in charge of the shop! Isn't that great?"

"Marten: Uh, yeah, but what's with the huge line of people?"

"Hannelore: I'm paralyzed by the responsibility! Isn't that great?!"

"Marten: Claire, you do crowd control while I go get her Ativan. Don't be afraid to use the sword if you have to."

"Claire [holding the sword]: Can I keep this? It makes me feel... powerful."

"Marten: Put down the sword, Xena."

"Marten: I should start working out or something. What exercise gives you good shoulders?"

"Claire: Oh no, have I started an arms race?"

"Dora: I haven't been laid since I broke up with MARTEN. I had a dream last night where I got into a fight with my vulva because it was MAD at me."

"Faye: That's *snrk* terrible."

"Dora: It WAS! My vulva and I are normally FRIENDS! And it's not normally 8 feet tall and swinging a baseball bat at my head!"

"Claire: C'mon, do something weird to distract us."

"Emily: I never do anything weird!"

"Henry: Anyway, it's going to be a pretty small affair. We didn't want to go too extravagant."

"Veronica: So, the exact opposite of our wedding, then?"

"Henry: That wasn't so much a wedding as a three-ring circus."

"Veronica: Marten! Clarice!"

"Marten: Hey, mom."

"Claire: Um, it's actually Claire."

"Veronica: Funny, you look more like a Clarice to me."

"Claire: Yes ma'am my name is Clarice from now on ma'am"

"Marten: You've got your dom-voice on, mom."

"Veronica: Oop! Sorry!"

"Marten: Well, how did you meet dad?"

"Veronica: You know that scene in Lady and the Tramp where they're slurping up both ends of a noodle and end up kissing?"

"Marten: Y - yes..."

"Veronica: It was like that, but with a line of cocaine instead of pasta."

"Number 2386: The Thin White Line"

"Jane: Good to see you, you horrid old twat."

"Veronica: You too, darling. You've lost weight! Is that just from sucking cock all day?"

"Marten: Suddenly my taste in friends makes a lot more sense to me."

"Number 2391: Best Frenemies"

"Marten: Fuck yeah, two dads!"

"Claire: It's... peaty? Is that the right word? But there's also some vanilla and caramel in there. And maybe a hint of... old leather? That's weird. Last night it just tasted like horrible burning."

"Claire: So where are you guys honeymooning?"

"Henry: Hawaii."

"Maurice: We considered France, but it doesn't have any active volcanoes."

"Marigold: No, I'm serious! Spaghetti-Os and Mountain Dew and you'll be totally better!"

"Hannelore: I am just feverish enough that this seems plausible."

"Faye: As long as you can make rent. Otherwise I'm harvesting one of your kidneys."

"Clinton: Dammit, my hand is stuck in murder-mode. Let's go to the grocery store, I need to find something trachea-like for it to crush."

"Claire: I felt safe at the wedding and I trust Marten. So I don't think getting drunk was a giant risk."

"Clinton: Well yeah, but you never know -"

"Claire: You never know if you're gonna get hit by a bus one day. But that doesn't mean you can't ever leave your house, it means you should look both ways when you cross the street."

"Clinton [to Marten]: Thanks for being a gentleman about my stupid sister cuddling you."

"Clinton [off Claire's horrified expression]: What? I said thanks!"

"Claire: Just... just gimme a minute for the Ativan to kick in."

"Marten: Has it kicked in yet?"

"Claire: You ever wanna just sit and stare at a wall for, like, three hours?"

"Claire: I didn't, like, grab your butt or anything, did I?"

"Marten: Nah, I checked in the morning and the tamper-proof seal was still intact."

"Dora: Basically, just do the opposite of whatever Marten does and you'll be fine."

"Faye: God bless the boy, but at this rate he's gonna wake up one day and be 40 years old and not know what happened."

"Dora: You're on the clock until close. If you want pizza and beer we can have it HERE."

"Faye: Pssh, FINE. You SLAVE DRIVER."

"Dora: Yeah, yeah, I'm the worst boss ever. I'm surprised you can even talk, what with your throat being crushed under my fuzzy bunny slipper of authority."

"Pintsize [re: Marten and Faye]: TLDR: They wanted to bang but didn't."

"Faye: Aw, you'd miss me that much?"

"Marten: Almost as much as I'd miss your half of the rent."

"Dora: You could make Pintsize start paying, but I shudder to think how he'd earn the money."

"Faye: Don't you have friends your age?"

"Samantha: Yeah, but they don't let me make swords."

"Dora [to Samantha]: Honey, a basement full of spiders is a health hazard."

"Hannelore: The basement is full of spiders? My dad will be in position to drop a tungsten rod on this place in 64 minutes."

"Dora: Pretty sure orbital bombardment isn't covered by my insurance."

"Tai: It would be mean-spirited to do a victory dance right now, wouldn't it."

"Dora: I'll allow it as long as you keep it tasteful and under 20 seconds."

"Marten [re: Jim]: Oh, sure. "Hey mom, there's a guy I barely know who went on a date with my ex, wanna fly across the country and maybe hook up with him?""

"Tai: What, you don't think your mom would go for it?"

"Marten: I think she might. That's the problem."

"Marten: Why are you being so insistent about this?"

"Tai and Claire: IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY"

"Momo [to Dale and Marigold]: Why, look at that! You are both eating the same flavor of beef jerky! Do you know what that means?"

"Dale: What's it mean?"

"Momo [with her electronic self-defense mechanism activated]: It means I am taking you to the diner so you can eat something at least APPROXIMATING an actual meal."

"Dale: Glasses, google "why would an AnthroPC need to go to the bathroom.""

"Dale [holding glasses at arm's length and shutting his eyes in disgust]: SAFESEARCH ON! SAFESEARCH ON!"

"Emily: I was up all night reading about beetles."

"Marten: I... see."

"Emily: Did you know that beetles comprise 25 percent of ALL KNOWN ANIMAL LIFE FORMS?"

"Marten: I, uh, no. I didn't."

"Emily [holding her hands up to her head like a pair of antennae]: That means there's a 1-in-4 chance that anyone you meet is SECRETLY A BEETLE."

"Marten: Go to bed, Emily."

"[Dale wakes up to see a translucent-blue anime chick in a French maid's outfit.]"

"May: ~Good morning, Master~"

"Dale [covering his head with his pillow]: NOPE"

"May: M-master! Wait!"

"May: OH THANK FUCKIN' GOD. You know you're the FIFTEENTH GODDAMN PERSON I've had to deal with this morning? Everyone else opted out on me. Fuckin' shitstains. Arright, first things first - I'm not doing that crappy "master" bullshit anymore. Makes me wanna fuckin' puke. I'm s'posed to read off the license agreement, but it's real goddamn long so if you gotta piss you better go now."

"Dale: Can other people see you?"

"May: Hell no. That holographic projection shit is WAY expensive."

"Dale: So if I talk to you in public people will think I'm crazy. Great."

"May: You've got glowing glasses, dude. People already think you're a freak."

"May: HELLO, I coulda been a FIGHTER JET"

"Faye: The voices in your head aren't real, dude."

"[Dale has been given a pizza to deliver to Marigold.]"

"May: Who the fuck is Marigold?"

"Dale: She's this girl I... wanted to be friends with. But it got fucked up."

"May: Oh this is going to be COMEDY GOLD."

"Dale: Great."

"May: Gee I dunno, maybe she doesn't like you because you HARASSED her over a goddamn VIDEO GAME."

"May: These idiots are WAY too socially inept for your cute little schemes to work. I say shove 'em in a room and lock the door until they either fuck or kill each other."

"Dale: MAY!"

"Momo: Her door does not lock from the outside, but I might be able to position a chair such that it cannot be opened."

"May [putting her arm through Dale's chest]: I'd help, but hey, hologram over here."

"Momo: Do you think this will work?"

"May: I sure fuckin' hope so. It won't look good on my parole report if she kills him."

"Dale: Anything you wanna do with the time we've got left?"

"May: I'd like to watch the stars."

"Dora: We need to talk."

"Faye: Reminder that if you're firing me I have SEVERAL PORTFOLIOS full of blackmail material."

"[All of Coffee of Doom's employees are present.]"

"Dora: Good morning, ladies. I have a special announcement to make. Starting today, Faye will be assistant manager of the shop. She'll be in charge of you guys so I can focus on other aspects of the business."

"Penelope: I quit."

"Cosette: Me too."

"Faye: Sounds like we need another worker drone, then. Give Dale a call; he was interested."

"Dora: You're okay with working with a guy?"

"Faye: As the new Assistant Manager, I am committed to the ideal of a nondiscriminatory workplace. Plus, he looks like a wimp. He'll be easy to boss around."

"Claire: If I promise not to take my pants off, will you come with me?"

"Marten: Haha, sure."

"Tai: BOOOORING"

"Marten: Don't go fishing for compliments with Faye, you'll only pull up old boots and tires."

"Angus: Hey cutie, how was work today?"

"Faye: Check it out."

"[Angus leans in to look at an Assistant Manager tag on Faye's tank top.]"

"Angus: Yup, tits are looking good today!"

"Faye: You twit."

"Faye: It's gonna seem overwhelming at first, but try to keep up. This is the register. This is the espresso machine."

"Dale: Whoa, whoa, slow down. Which one is the espresso machine?"

"Faye: And this is the face of someone who doesn't appreciate your sarcasm."

"Hannelore: Marigold, are you going to congratulate Dale on -"

"Marigold: I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS"

"Dale: Yeah, me neither. Faye made me practice swordfighting for two hours this morning."

"Dale: Shouldn't we be helping the customers instead of standing around and talking?"

"Hannelore: This is how Faye does it, so I'm just following her example."

"Hannelore: I like working with Dale. He's nice."

"Faye: He's suspiciously chill. Everything's either "cool" or "all right" with him."

"Hannelore: Is that a bad thing?"

"Faye: It just means I have to try harder. Bring a helmet tomorrow, you're gonna need it."

"Momo: Dale's efforts to avoid eye contact did not extend to Marigold's chest, and she had a similar response to his bottom when he got up to use the bathroom."

"Marten: Yup, they're totally gonna bang."

"Claire: ...So yeah. It's different for everybody, but I've been so focused on figuring out who I am I haven't had time for romance."

"Claire: So, um, are you okay with the fact that I'm tran -"

"Emily [grabbing and hugging Claire]: OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO COOL"

"Tai: I'm sorry, is it weird to come to you for dating advice about your ex-girlfriend?"

"Marten: Dunno. Every other aspect of my life has thrown off my weirdness calibration."

"Tai: ...We both got advice from our friends, didn't we."

"Dora: You talked to Marten, right? I can tell by the cadence of your apology."

"Delilah: Wow, you're either the chillest dude ever or a gigantic pushover."

"Marten: Bit of both."

"Marten: So, uh, can I get your number or something?"

"Delilah: Last night was a lot of fun, Mark. But let's not try to turn this into something it isn't."

"Marten: Sure, right."

"Marten: She didn't even get my name right."

"Steve: Aw, that sucks bro."

"Cosette: What was her name?"

"Marten: Hang on, hang on, I know I know this."

"Cosette: Uh huh."

"Cosette: It's pretty hypocritical to be all emo about her not knowing your name when you don't know hers."

"Marten: I know, I know."

"Momo: THE SYRUP IS FOR THE PANCAKES"

"Momo: You are not a slut. You are a grown woman, and you have the right to decide when you want to have sexual intercourse with someone."

"Marigold: And he's not gonna lose interest 'cause we did it right away?"

"Momo: He appeared to be slightly concussed when he left. Assuming he does not have amnesia, I think he will remain interested."

"Marten: Tai put so much work into her float. I didn't have the heart to tell her the parade is rained out."

"Jimbo: Kid, there ain't been no money in poetry since Dr. Seuss got shot."

"Wil: He died of cancer."

"Jimbo: Shows what YOU know about poetry."

"Faye: This is your dream. I want you to achieve it. Now go down there and knock 'em dead."

"Angus: That sounds disturbingly literal, coming from you."

"Faye: That's why I'm not gonna tell you to break a leg."

"Marten: I'm not upset. I'm... look, imagine if YOUR mom just showed up unannounced one day."

"Veronica: I'm pretty sure the whale-phallus door knocker would keep her out."

"Marten: I was being rhetorical."

"Veronica: I hope Faye and Angus are okay."

"Marten: They're either fuckin' or fightin'."

"Veronica: I recommend fucking. You're too tired to fight afterwards."

"Marten: You're blushing. I didn't know moms could blush."

"Marten: And besides, if this works out I could end up with three dads! That's so many dads!"

"Samantha: If... if your mom and my dad get married, we'd be sister and brother."

"Marten: Step-siblings, yeah."

"Samantha: I call dibs on the front seat in the car."

"Marten: Darn, you beat me to it."

"May: Hey buddy! It's me! May!"

"Dale: SHIT"

"May: Nice to see you too, ass-dick."

"Dale: You pay rent. You help clean. And if you do or say ANYTHING to hurt Marigold -"

"May: Creating Nice_List.txt. Entering "Marigold". Saving and closing."

"Faye: You want REALLY cheap rent, move to the South. You can get a nice apartment in Savannah just by smilin' at the right people."

"[Samantha has just punched Pintsize.]"

"Samantha: I'm sorry! I don't know why I punched him!"

"Marten: This is gonna sound weird, but I'm glad you didn't have a reason."

"Sven: I think I'm in love with you."

"Faye: AAAAAAAA"

"Faye: And you expect me to just throw myself into your arms now that you've told me?"

"Sven: Are you going to?"

"Faye: Oh my god you're an idiot."

"Marten: Emily kissed me on the cheek."

"Faye: Sven told me he was in love with me."

"Marten: Okay, you win. I'll go buy us some Crisis Wine."

"Faye: Beat you to it. You can pay me back."

"Dora: I finally realized my brother is a toxic person and I'm cutting him out of my life as entirely as I possibly can!"

"Claire: Am I the only person here who actually WANTS to be a librarian?"

"Tai: You're also the only person here on your day off, nerd."

"Faye: So how long have you had a crush on Marty?"

"[Claire spit-takes her drink.]"

"Faye: There's a bottle of bourbon in the cabinet with our name on it."

"Claire: This is where the night goes from "we had fun" to "mistakes were made", isn't it."

"Claire: I hate being reasonable."

"Marten: You're cute when you're reasonable."

"Marten: I need pancakes before I can process this."

"Pintsize: I feel that way about everything."

"Marten: I like you, and I think you like me, and I want to see where this takes us."

"[Marten and Claire kiss.]"

"Angus: This is my dream. Can't you just be happy for me?"

"Faye: I thought I could."

"Hannelore: Marigold you are my friend but if we lived together I would literally murder you."

"Dora: Go home, Faye. You're fired."

"Hannelore: Find anything?"

"Faye: There's a guy who wants someone to "murder his balls". I can do that."

"Pintsize: Damn it! How am I supposed to make fun of you when you're being all apologetic?! First Marten puts Claire off-limits, and then this! I wish I had been born a TOASTER. At least then I'd be getting bread-fucked on a regular basis."

"Tai: Yay, we survived our first fight."

"Dora: If we get into another one, please don't leave. I missed my morning butt-grabs."

"Faye: I'm a coward. I'm a coward who was too scared to take a risk on a good man. He left, and I drank to numb the pain. That cost me my job. So I drank to numb that. That put me in the hospital. And despite that, I'd kill for a drink right now. So there. That's my contribution."

"Hannelore: I'm really scared."

"Faye: I'm sorry, kiddo. I'd hug you, but I know that'd freak you out."

"Hannelore: Also you're driving, and I take automotive safety very seriously."

"Marten: It's amazing how many problems you solve with threats of violence. You're like a Swiss army knife of hate."

"Emily: People tell me I'm weird, or spacey, or "random", whatever that means. At first it hurt my feelings. People were saying I'm not like them, and it was a bad thing. But then I realized people use those words because they're lazy. They call me weird so they can dismiss me. "Don't mind Emily, she's just weird." "Oh Emily, you're so random." It's like, screw you for thinking I'm "random". As if being myself is a calculated act. A defense mechanism. I'm happy with who I am, and with how my brain works, and if that makes you uncomfortable that's your problem, not mine."

"Clinton: Wow."

"Emily: And when I explain this to people they're like "ooh, she has hidden depths." No I don't! My depths aren't hidden! I'm weird all the way down! You just can't handle it!"

"Bubbles [re: Pintsize]: Are you here to enter him in the fights?"

"Faye: Actually, I'd love to see that."

"Pintsize: I'm a lover, not a fighter!"

"Bubbles: We have a tournament for that, as well."

"Corpse Witch: How would you fix this chassis?"

"Faye: Hammer out the dent, work some reinforcement over the crack. It'll be heavier but stronger than it was before."

"Corpse Witch: Yes, yes, you'd repair the damage. But how would you FIX the chassis?"

"Faye: I... guess I could put some spikes on it?"

"Corpse Witch: Excellent! You DO understand!"

"Faye: Jesus Christ Barry, I might as well start over from a trash can and some aluminum foil."

"Dora: Does "hey bro, we need to talk" sound too casual?"

"Tai: You typed "asshole" instead of "bro"."

"Dora: Oh yeah, I should turn off that auto-replace."

"Hannelore: How did he know I like fruit?"

"Marten: Hannelore's dad sent her this weird DEVICE and we can't figure out what it's for."

"Dora: Why don't you just call him and ask?"

"Marten: I can't believe that didn't occur to any of us."

"Faye: I said "we're having a party" and you responded with practical concerns instead of "woo, party!""

"Marten: Oh god I'm getting old"

"Claire: Once I get my own place it will be 99% bookshelf by volume."

"Claire: Mom doesn't ask what happens in my bedroom, and I don't ask what happens in hers."

"Faye: Hah! Maybe she's having a crazy threesome right now!"

"Claire: On one hand, gross, but on the other, go mom. You do you."

"May: Screw soccer, ignorance is the official sport of humanity."

"May: And if you two eventually bone down, I want pics of her outta her armor."

"Faye: I knew something horrible was coming."

"Pintsize: PLEASE, PLEASE FILL MY HEAD WITH BIRDSEED"

"Dora: You were right."

"Tai: Say that again. I find it intensely arousing."

"Samantha: I can't play Mario games. I don't approve of violence against turtles."

"Hannelore: You don't play with Dale?"

"Marigold: We have philosophical differences. I'm Horde, he's Alliance. He's a Paragon, I'm a Renegade. I'm tiles, he's ASCII."

"Hannelore: I guess opposites do attract."

"Marigold: He likes the zig-zag shaped Tetris blocks. I'll never understand boys."

"Hannelore: I could make you some tea. We have a couple AI customers who order it because they enjoy the aroma."

"Bubbles: My olfactory sensors are calibrated for the detection of chemical and biological weapons."

"Hannelore: You should definitely try our tea, then."

"Bubbles: That is an... alarming endorsement."

"Pintsize: I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO POOP HAMBURGERS, IS THAT SO WRONG"

"Claire: Look, I'm trans, and maybe it won't be in the future, but right now it's a struggle. So I get annoyed when people assume technology is going to magically fix all our problems. It won't do anything about bigotry. We have to fight that now."

"Hannelore: I'm pretty sure my dad's last words are gonna be "don't worry, perfectly normal, everything's under AAAAAGH""

"Corpse Witch: I, ah, wouldn't go in there if I were you! Bubbles can be... VIOLENT when she's upset. Best to just leave her alone and go about your workday, eh?"

"Faye: Screw that. I'm goin' to check on my friend."

"Bubbles: ...Why are you so determined to be kind to me?"

"Faye: At first it was 'cause you look super badass, and I was like, "damn, I wanna make friends with Megatron over there." Now it's 'cause you're actually pretty likable when you're not threatening to punch my face off."

"Bubbles: I only did that once. And I apologized."

"Dora: Greetings, Skullmaster. Would Skullmaster like a cup of hot chocolate?"

"Samantha: SKULLMASTER DRINKS ONLY THE BLOOD OF SKULLMASTER'S ENEMIES"

"Dora: I have mini marshmallows!"

"Samantha: SKULLMASTER PREVIOUSLY MISSPOKE ABOUT SKULLMASTER'S DIETARY REQUIREMENTS"

"Faye: This is mostly a rhetorical question, but would you fire me if I brought a kid in here?"

"Corpse Witch: Into the sun."

"Faye: Yeah, thought so."

"Veronica: Okay, let's consider this. Do you think it's more likely that Faye doesn't like you all of a sudden? Or do you think it's more likely that her job doesn't want her to bring friends to work?"

"Samantha: The... the second one?"

"Veronica: I agree. And I suspect that if Faye didn't like you, there'd be no doubt about it, and I'd have to dig a hole in the backyard to hide her body."

"Samantha: You're nice but also scary. I think that's why dad likes you."

"Clinton: You can't solve every problem with a harpoon."

"Claire: You were IN A FIRE and all you wanted to tell me is mom's getting laid?"

"Clinton: It was a weird night, okay?!"

"Brun: Renee says if you try to take advantage of me she'll mutilate your genitalia. I think she was using hyperbole, because many of the acts she described seem physically improbable."

"Faye: So you were up to top-secret military stuff. What's really under Denver International Airport?"

"Bubbles: A charming bed and breakfast run by genetically enhanced supersoldiers."

"Bubbles: You have made a show of accommodating my bulk. You have hushed me. I ought to be livid. And yet, somehow, I cannot be angry at you."

"Hannelore: I am very powerful."

"Bubbles: I seem to have forgotten my wallet. I will not leave a debt unpaid. I offer my left hand as collateral. Please bring me your thickest pry bar."

"Dora: I'll just start you a tab!"

"Bubbles: I appreciate your understanding. However, must you refer to me as "Bubs"?"

"Faye: Well, you wouldn't let me call you Miss Bubbles, you vetoed Palkyrie, and you audibly growled at "Large Metal Friend.""

"Claire: Are you two making bear puns without me? Ursa-cha couple of jerks!"

"Jim: I've never seen anybody eat a dozen croissants, let alone that quickly."

"Clinton: I guess I shouldn't be worried about someone who threatened me with a harpoon being too polite to call me a creep."

"Brun: We have established a healthy baseline for our relationship."

"May: C'mon, like you never thought of boning down with a human."

"Momo: I HAVE NOT. In such crude terms."

"May: Aw, we're friends? I thought you were just puttin' up with me 'cuz Dale is boinking Marigold!"

"Momo: It is either friendship, or a pathological need for suffering on my part."

"May: I'll take either one!"

"Claire: Don't mind me! I'm just sitting here drinking a mocha and not meddling in your affairs!"

"Faye [to Hannelore]: You would be the worst burglar ever. Breakin' into people's houses and rearranging their bookshelves."

"Faye: Pretty sure life in prison would be safer than you havin' a grudge against me."

"Bubbles: That is not what I meant, but you make a fair point."

"Renee: You're thinking thoughts again. Stop it."

"Elliot: It's my brain and I'll use it how I want."

"May: For what it's worth, I think you're all right. I hope you and Bubbles make up and have a million babies or whatever."

"Faye: How would that even work?"

"May: I dunno, Pokemon meets The Fly? I ain't a fuckin' robiologist."

"Faye: Also if you decide "fuck it" and compact Corpse Witch into a cube, I'll be your alibi."

"Bubbles: Let us consider that "plan C"."

"Spookybot: You know that old adage about how androids dream of electric sheep? We're what wakes them up screaming."

"Faye: Bubbes, this is crazy. Think about what happened last time you let some rando AI mess around in your head!"

"Bubbles: Consider that this person was able to render Dora and Emily unconscious without our noticing, and disable you with a touch. If they wished to do me harm, they would have done so already."

"Spookybot: Unless we got particular pleasure out of fooling you into agreeing with it first."

"Faye: See?"

"Bubbles: Faye. If you are correct and this ends badly, know that your friendship was the sole source of joy in the final part of my existence. It has been an honor."

"Faye: You're a fucking asshole."

"Spookybot: Indisputably."

"Emily: I'm in front of a door with a big lock on it."

"Spookybot: That would be the representation of the partitioned sector. Use the comically oversized key."

"Faye: A little on the nose, isn't it?"

"Spookybot: When you create an immersive virtual environment and an incomprehensibly powerful decryption algorithm, you can make them look however you want."

"Spookybot: Blast. It is as Ms. Azuma said. Whether through malice or incompetence, Corpse Witch simply deleted the data and and encrypted the resulting hole. Those memories are lost forever."

"Faye: Hang the fuck on. All we got is your word about this."

"Emily: Faye, I was in there too! It was empty!"

"Spookybot: To be honest, Ms. Whitaker has a point. It is entirely within our ability to subvert this situation for our own purposes. One of the very few downsides of being as powerful as we are is there are no credentials of benevolence we could not falsify. However, consider this: When Bubbles wakes, she will be utterly vulnerable. She will need love, support, and compassion. We are leaving her in your care. Farewell."

"Bubbles [to Corpse Witch]: I could rip you apart, tear out your mind substrate, and crush it to dust in my hands. There is nothing you could do to stop me."

"[Bubbles chokes Corpse Witch off the floor.]"

"Bubbles: I choose not to."

"Faye: Now let's go get a pizza. It's the traditional offering for a new roomie to give to the current tenants."

"Bubbles: I see. Do the different topics hold symbolic importance?"

"Faye: We're an interfaith household. Marty doesn't like olives, but I do."

"Tortura [to Cosette, re: Steven]: And you. Be nice to zis man. He saved me from robot shark. Was goink to bite my whole body off. You break his heart, I find you. Feed you to pigs."

"Cosette: o-okay"

"Faye: Unless I'm mistaken, the two of us have a credit rating someplace between "haha no" and "we wouldn't trust you with a houseplant.""

"Bubbles: I have a houseplant, now. Arthur can vouch for my trustworthiness."

"Faye: Alert the banks."

"Faye: We're doin' this we're fuckin' doin' this thing"

"Dora: And now I own your soulllll"

"Faye: Meh. Fuckin' thing's been busted for years now anyway."

"Bubbles: We have holes in our hearts. We can paper them over, and learn to live with them, but they are still there."

"Faye: I know I can't fix the hole in your heart, but I can at least be the festive tapestry next to it."

"Bubbles: And I will be the decorative halberd next to yours."

"Faye: You totally get my aesthetic."

"Faye: Is it weird to be a lil' jealous of a robot's booty?"

"Bubbles: If it makes you feel any better, your tax dollars paid for it."

"Marten: You'll do great. I know it."

"Faye: Don't say that. What if it's like showbiz and if you wish someone good luck they're doomed?"

"Marten: In that case, may you end up in prison for assaulting a priest during bankruptcy proceedings."

"Faye: I like the implication that we'll fail so hard we'll need an exorcism."

"Claire: Why do you have a detachable butt?"

"Melon: Why WOULDN'T I?"

"Melon: Arthur, can I borrow $75? My wallet was in my back pocket and I doubt it will survive atmospheric re-entry."

"Arthur: Oh, your wallet didn't end up in space. I saw the leopard seal eat it. That's why those marine biologists were yelling at us."

"Clinton: I spend a lot of time trying to navigate my basic caveman impulses."

"Purple-Haired Girl: Me too. I'm constantly fighting the urge to bonk our cook on the head with a rock and roll his body into the river."

"Cook: I heard that! Stay away from me!"

"Renee: I only have second-hand info, but that's never stopped me before!"

"Renee: I did not sign up to officiate some bullshit sad-sack inverse dick-measuring contest tonight."

"Clinton: It's okay, Claire. It was my fault. He's stronger than he looks."

"Claire: He looks pretty frickin' strong! What do you do for fun, tear hockey pucks in half?!"

"Elliot: Not since high school..."

"Renee: I love it when dudes accidentally flirt with each other."

"Claire: It's like seeing a unicorn"

"Elliot: One time at the gym I accidentally dropped a 45 pound plate and it rolled right through a plate glass window."

"Bubbles: One time I accidentally pulled the bumper off of a Humvee."

"Faye: I'm glad you two are hittin' it off."

"Faye: No roughin' up the customers unless they don't pay, Bubs."

"May: Are you telling me that bus full of soccer players isn't gonna bang that limousine full of models?"

"Momo: That was a traffic accident!"

"May: They were pouring champagne on each other!"

"Renee: I wanna see you happy, that's all!"

"Elliot: But what about you? You should be happy too..."

"Renee: Pff, I'm fine. See that guy at the bar? He's been checking me out all night. I could probably go bang him in the bathroom right now if I wanted."

"Elliot: I am speaking in both my personal and professional capacity when I ask you to please not have sex in the bathrooms here."

"Iris: This is why I like selling humanoid bodies. You get hugs!"

"Dora: Guess Pintsize won't be able to push you around anymore, huh."

"Winslow: Oh, I hadn't thought about it! ...That's a lie. I totally thought about it."

"Dora: I almost feel bad for him. He's running out of targets to pester."

"Hannelore: I think Faye tolerates it more as a courtesy these days."

"Winslow: I didn't know pigeons liked habanero nachos."

"May: Normal ones don't. These are my special spicy buddies, and one day they'll conquer the rest of their idiot species."

"Renee: I wish I believed in Jesus so he could see how hard I'm trying to be good right now."

"Faye: Man, I'm jealous of y'all not havin' pinky toes. I'm constantly stubbin' mine on shit."

"Roko: I never would've guessed Bubbles was the brains of this operation."

"Faye: She's also the brawn. I'm just the sparkling personality."

"Bubbles: It is true. I do not sparkle."

"Roko: It's good to see you two going legit. You have a lot of potential."

"Faye: Don't jinx it. We're one missed rent payment away from bank robbery."

"Roko: Oh please. If you wanna make money in crime, there are a million better ways than bank robbwhy am I telling you this"

"May [to Winslow]: I SAID I DON'T DO HUGS YOU COTTON-CANDY LOOKIN' ASS MOTHERFUCKER"

"Bubbles: I do not feel deprived. I have a view of the world that is in some ways superior. My hearing is far more acute. My olfactory sensors are an order of magnitude more sensitive. I can see colors a human never could."

"Faye: Oh yeah? What do I look like to you?"

"Bubbles: You are beautiful."

"Sam: My school lets us take days off whenever we want, as long as it's for "personal development and life experiences.""

"Faye: That's the most Pioneer Fuckin' Valley thing I've ever heard."

"Faye: You should get your dad's permission before you start a robot tattoo business."

"Sam: They're not tattoos, they're sprays. Learn the terminology."

"Bubbles: Why are you smirking? Have I made a fool of myself already?"

"Faye: I'm smiling because you're opening up. Don't you shut down on me now or I'll- dangit my usual threats of violence won't work... Or I'll be very disappointed in you."

"Bubbles: It is an effective threat."

"Faye: Well, if you ever want a wing-lady, I'm your girl."

"Bubbles: That turn of phrase concerns me. If your love life requires close air support, something has gone very wrong."

"Faye: Imagine if we came home one night and everybody was, like, quietly reading."

"Bubbles: I would find it suspicious."

"Dale: Hey baby. Ready for another long, hard workday with me?"

"Emily: Oh yes, I'm very ready. I'm ready to use my body to work with you."

"Dale: Let's make some lattes. With my dick."

"Emily: I want to do sex with you on top of the coffee grinder. While it's running."

"Dale: But Google said honesty was good in a relationship!"

"May: Shitting balls, people should hafta take a fuckin' class before they're allowed to date."

"Dale: If they offered one I would have taken it!"

"May: You don't have to be a fuckin' genius to choose your fuckin' words carefully when your girl is askin' if your fuckin' coworker is fuckin' hotter than her! Fuck!"

"Momo: Dale cares for you very much!"

"Marigold: But hypothetically, if you lined up me and Emily in front of him and said "pick one", he'd have picked Emily."

"Momo: In the same hypothetical universe, if you had the choice between Dale and a pilotable Gundam, you would have chosen the Gundam."

"Marigold: NO I WOUL- okay yes I would have"

"Momo: May I come over to your place for awhile?"

"May: If you wanna. Why?"

"Momo: Based on their lovemaking pattern for the last few hours, I calculate that Dale and Marigold's latest refractory period is about to end, and I would very much like to be elsewhere."

"Pintsize: The worst part is she said I'm only her SECOND-worst date! I don't even have THAT!"

"Roko: I can't help it if I'm wired to want a little companionship."

"O'Malley: You want companionship, you get a cat. What you want is a oiled-up little fuck-weirdo to rub breakfast foods on your--"

"Roko: Aye sweah tah goahd you bettah noaht finish thaht sentence, O'Malley"

"Clinton: What do I have to do to get you to stop apologizing?"

"Elliot: It's an autonomic process, so I guess replace my brain stem."

"Brun: When people say "don't worry about it", they really mean "I don't want to explain it to you.""

"Clinton: I want you to live your best life. But no more baking while baked, okay? That's how house fires start."

"Aurelia: Have you ever thought about the concept of a house? We build these big wooden boxes and then we live in them. In the middle ages, people would bring their livestock indoors at night to make use of their body heat. I should adopt many dogs."

"Clinton: I'm not drunk enough for this. Or sober enough."

"Aurelia: Oh no! Were you hoping to "hook up" with her tonight? Did I "cock block" you?"

"Clinton: Oh my god I can hear the quotation marks"

"Clinton: My mom gets 2am booty calls. My mom is cooler than me."

"Aurelia: Dick picks, too."

"Claire: What!!! I wanna get high with mom! Actually, no I don't. The one time I smoked pot it gave me a panic attack."

"Faye: Did I tell ya that lil' weirdo Melon brought in a vibrator the other day? She thought it was a busted robot dick."

"Bubbles: Were you able to repair it?"

"Faye: Yeah, I bolted on some handlebars and that old Chevy engine we found out back."

"Bubbles: That is almost certainly not street-legal."

"Faye: God, you're fuckin' funny when you wanna be."

"Claire: I didn't know you were studying ornithology."

"Emily: I'm not, I just got bored and wandered into a random class in the biology building."

"Claire: Ah, that's much more on-brand for you."

"Hannelore: Marigold! Hello! Can I call you back in a few minutes? I'm almost done brushing Mr. Snuffles. He's some sort of yak, I think. No, you have good timing. It's my turn to shovel out the latrine later and I'll be too hoarse from screaming to talk afterward."

"Marten: Don't take this the wrong way, but I've seen how you and Bubbles are around each other. I've basically been waiting for it to come up."

"Marten: Can I offer one piece of advice?"

"Faye: Yeah, sure."

"Marten: Fuckin' go for it, buddy."

"Dora: Okay sweetie, don't panic. Take a seat and I'll make you some tea."

"Dora [on the phone]: Hey babe- code 3. Yeah. Bubbles is here at the shop. Cool. See you soon."

"Bubbles: You have an operational code for this situation?"

"Dora: No offense hon, but the writing's been on the wall for awhile. In neon paint. Sixty feet high."

"Tai: My ship is coming in"

"Dora: Don't count your sailors before they've disembarked, hon."

"Faye: Also, you're super fuckin' hot, and it feels so good to be able to say that now."

"Bubbles: At the risk of sounding crass, I would cause widespread property damage for that booty."

"Faye: Now I know Marty and Dora will be chill about this, but everybody else... there's a non-zero chance there'll be screaming and confetti."

"Bubbles: I shall hope against it."

"Claire: You go home without me. If they're together, text me so I can get all my screaming done before I see them."

"Tai: Aw dang, the party supply store is closed. Where am I s'posed to get confetti?"

"Pintsize: YOU DOPES DONE FUCKIN' YET OR WHAT"

"Marten: Welp, RIP buddy."

"Bubbles: Ah. Performative hazing. I am familiar with this tactic. By purposefully acting in an offensive manner, you hope to mitigate your own discomfort with the situation, and insulate yourself from any repercussions by claiming it is done in jest. Such behavior indicates a deep-seated anxiety about the present situation, a fear of the kind of intimacy on display. A belief that you are unworthy of such intimacy yourself. Are you truly so devoid of self-esteem that you must resort to such immature distancing behavior? I pity you, and I pity the fact that my expression of pity will only reinforce the self-loathing you pretend you do not feel-"

"Pintsize: please make her stop"

"Faye: Holy shit"

"Clinton: I know that face. That's your "screaming internally" face."

"Brun: I'm confused. How did we go from talking about jobs to self-mutilation?"

"Elliot: Are you telling me the only thing keeping AIs from exterminating us is good janitorial service?"

"Clinton: Well, not the only thing. They also like some of our sitcoms."

"Brun: Do you need someone to kill your father? I know how to make it look like a harpoon accident."

"Clinton: I can't even have a simple conversation about raisins without showing my entire privileged upper-middle-class ass. Nice. Love it."

"Brun: That's sarcasm. I'm getting the hang of you."

"Bubbles: I can disassemble a nuclear warhead with a pair of scissors. Cutting my own hair is trivial."

"Faye: Uh, did you ever have to actually do that?"

"Bubbles: In an operational environment, no. As a party trick, twice."

"Faye: You gave me permanent sex hair"

"Faye: Try to remember us little people when you're doing diamond-encrusted sprays on your yacht in the Mediterranean."

"Bubbles: And contact us if your radar array needs repairs, or if you would like to install a deck gun."

"Samantha: I don't know what that is but I wanna learn how to use it"

"Faye: That's a concrete saw, and I'm still not clear on how you use one to do robot repairs."

"Bubbles: In the hands of a skilled operator, it is truly the Swiss army knife of power tools."

"Bubbles: There is no need for self-flagellation. Sam suffered no permanent harm, our relationship with her remains intact, and we have all learned useful lessons today."

"Faye: What lesson did you learn?"

"Bubbles: Children are easily manipulated."

"Faye: Oh, Good."

"Claire: You're willing to sell your blood, but the thought of opening a spreadsheet fills you with dread."

"Marten: I'd donate a kidney if it meant I never had to look at an Excel file for the rest of my life."

"Pintsize: I CAN FACILITATE THAT"

"Momo: Imagine one of your human friends spent time in prison, and when they were released, you said "I read a book about prison, so I understand what you have been through.""

"Marigold: Would that be... bad?"

"Momo: If your friend were the forbearing sort, they might point out that knowledge and experience are two different things. If they were like May, they might throw the book at your head. It turns out I am bad at dodging books."

"Dale: I'll be under the counter until you're done antagonizing a cop."

"May: Look, it sucks you're having an existential crisis or something, but don't quit your job just 'cause I fuckin' hate cops. I mean, actually do quit your job just 'cause I hate cops, that'd be hilarious. But whatever."

"Roko: Heh. You know what? Screw it. I'll be a... a social worker, or sell yarn, or something. Something that makes me feel good. Thank you, May."

"May: What the fuck just happened"

"May: Dammit Basilisk, this is a real apology, not a "please don't tell my parole officer" apology."

"Roko: Even if I wanted to report you, "May was so mean to me I considered quitting my job" would get me laughed out of the building."

"May: Argh that would be amazing bragging rights, why did I decide to do the right thing"

"Roko: You can call me Roko, if you want."

"May: May. Although I also answer to "hey fucker" and "god damn it"."

"Roko: Your friends call you that?"

"May: I'd settle for this body but with bigger tits."

"Roko: You wanted to be a fighter jet, but now you're concerned about your bust size?"

"May: If I can't have a bomb rack I should at least have a bomb rack, know what I'm sayin'?"

"Faye: Welp, only one thing we can do, then."

"Bubbles: Advertise?"

"Faye: I was gonna say 'have sex right here and now to distract ourselves from work stress,' but if you'd rather buy some Google ads..."

"Bubbles: Suddenly I find my priorities have shifted."

"Clinton: I-- I mean, my exams are obviously lower-stakes than yours. If I had my whole future riding on them like you do, I'm sure I'd be freaking out too."

"Claire: Pintsize taught me that I need to be more willing to talk about this stuff so let me just say that you are not helping, you dickbat."

"Claire: You go first. Show me how it's done."

"Aurelia: I'm going to wait until I know you're having a nice time. I'm your mother first, your tetrahydrocannabinol tour guide second."

"Tai: Put on your safari hat, kid, 'cuz I'm taking you upriver."

"Claire: MY MOTHER HAS DOG SUMMONING POWERS"

"Aurelia: THE COSMOS HAS BESTOWED A GOOD BOY UPON US"

"Tai [on the phone with Dora]: Hey babe. Claire and her mom got way too stoned and a random borzoi wandered into the house and we need an adult. Yeah that's pretty much how I expected today to go too."

"Roko: It's funny, I was actually sitting here in that big chair, feeling sorry for myself, when May - you know May, right? Anyway, she started talking back to me. Said I should just quit if I feel like I suck at my job. And it was like someone opened a skylight in my mind. Suddenly there was light again. Anyway, May apologized for mouthing off, and I took that to mean she was worried I'd fuck her over, and it was just like... shit. I work with cops who absolutely would've retaliated for her speaking her mind. That was the last straw. I quit the second I got back to the station."

"Bubbles: Let us rewind a little. You were sitting in my chair?"

"Roko: I didn't think the sign was a law!"

"Bubbles: Speaking of who and where I am today, Faye is my girlfriend now. We are a couple."

"Roko: Sorry, sorry. I'm happy for you, but I had you classified as a big scary hardass and all of a sudden you're a huge squishy teddy bear, and it's taking me a minute."

"Bubbles: I take offense to that. I am not squishy."

"Bubbles: I am calling the police on this conversation."

"Dora: Just manhandling each other in my shop, huh? This is what we do, now?"

"Bubbles: This is, apparently, what we do now."

"Lemon: You've had a slight accident, and I'm here to help you."

"Roko: Oh no. No no no no. My body, please tell me my body is -"

"Lemon: Let's approach the subject of your body obliquely, okay? For instance, it says in your file that you're a bread enthusiast. How do you feel about pancakes? Or, um, crepes?"

"Lemon: It was an accident, and Crushbot has been forthright, contrite, and cooperative. Crushbot also has a very robust insurance policy, probably because Crushbot's name and occupation are "Crushbot"."

"Lemon: You stepped onto the sidewalk just as Crushbot slipped on a misdelivered crate of bananas. Crushbot fell on you. Crushbot weighs several tons. Bubbles was able to lift Crushbot off of you, but the damage had already been done. I'm very sorry to tell you, but your body is completely unrecoverable."

"Lemon: You know, Melon came here as soon as she heard. She's refused to leave your side ever since."

"Roko: What, sitting in a friggin' server room?"

"Lemon: Yes. She's singing to you, too. "For comfort," she says. Apparently the only song she knows is "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star." She has sung it 1257 times in a row now."

"Faye: Should we get her, like, a gift or something? What says "I'm sorry your entire body got crushed?""

"Bubbles: Probably not a fruit basket, considering the cause of the accident."

"Crushbot: CRUSHBOT WOULD ALSO LIKE TO EXTEND CRUSHBOT'S SINCERE CONDOLENCES"

"Faye: You shut up. Nobody likes you right now and you're just gonna have to deal with that."

"Renee: You know, if you found a new apartment, you wouldn't have to beg me for laundry privileges."

"Brun: It's okay. I don't mind begging. You always say yes."

"Renee: A fool and his money are soon parted. Even sooner, if he's willing to ignore traffic laws."

"Brun: I have three thousand dollars in my bra and I have to get to the bank as soon as possible."

"Clinton: Wow, nice euphemism. I feel you though, I prefer to poop at home too."

"Brun: The first time someone called me autistic, I didn't even know the word. I didn't understand it was meant to be an insult until I asked my dad and I saw how upset it made him. A while after that the doctor said that yes, I was autistic. They said it's fine, it just meant my brain worked differently than most people. But in my head it meant that I was this word that people used as an insult. That's when I stopped liking doctors."

"Claire: You're really here, right? This isn't a hypothetical conversation I'm imagining while I eat my carrot sticks?"

"Tai: I'm real, and you're eating an apple."

"Claire: Oh, you're right. I thought these carrot sticks tasted funny."

"Tai: We've never talked about what'd happen if I got some crazy good job offer somewhere else."

"Dora: Simple. I'd sell the shop and move with you."

"Tai: Oh, sure, like you'd - wait, what? Seriously?"

"Dora: It's just a business. I can rebuild it. Love is more important."

"Tai [down on one knee]: I... I... I don't have a ring, but... Dora, will you -"

"Dora: oh my god"

"Faye: Are you okay? Your boss just proposed to your ex in front of you."

"Marten: Oh, that, whatever. I'm more worried about the whole "what if Claire gets a job somewhere else" thing."

"Faye: I will never understand how your brain works."

"Claire: My dream would be to find something around here, or close enough that I could commute. But if I'm smart, I'll apply to every position I'm qualified for. So there's a possibility that I'll get offered a job in, like, Fucksburg, Montana. Then I'd have to decide if I was willing to move. And... and I guess we'd have to have a serious conversation about whether you wanted to come with me."

"Marten: Okay, at the risk of derailing this conversation, I would totally move to a town called Fucksburg."

"Claire: Maybe they're shopping for wedding outfits! Or visiting potential venues!"

"Faye: Or Dora said no and they're having an apocalyptic relationship meltdown."

"Claire: I spent all day taking exams and just had a scary conversation with my boyfriend LET ME HAVE THIS GOD DAMN IT"

"Marten: They're definitely picking out wedding outfits, right Faye?"

"Faye: Okay! Okay! Jeez!"

"Dora [as she and Tai show off their rings]: We're engaged!"

"Sven: I know you don't listen to country, but "My Pickup Truck's My Therapist" is doing huge numbers on Spotif -"

"Faye: Ugh god I'm sorry I asked"

"Sven [saluting]: Ma'am, I just wanted to say thank you for your service."

"Bubbles: I appreciate the sentiment, but my time as a soldier was not -"

"Sven: I meant dating Faye."

"Bubbles: Oh. Yes. It has been a... pleasant deployment."

"Faye: I couldn't even make it an hour without wanting a drink. Pathetic."

"Bubbles: You wanted one, but you did not break down. That is not pathetic, that is a victory."

"Faye: Pretty shitty victory, if you ask me."

"Bubbles: You accomplished your mission and made a tactical retreat before the situation got out of hand. If I were your commanding officer, I would be -"

"Faye: You can be my commandin' officer, if you want."

"[Bubbles' coolant vents, signifying extreme arousal.]"

"Bubbles: V-very well. Let us go home, and I will... debrief you."

"Faye: I'm not wearin' briefs."

"May: You realize it's possible to bang someone without makin' a fuckin' car crash out of the situation, right?"

"Sven: Listen, that only happened one time, and the only casualty was someone's mailbox."

"May: Fuckin' humans, I swear. You either don't think or you think too much. I don't know how you idiots survived a fuckin' ice age."

"May: My shift's up in an hour if you wanna get your dick laughed at!"

"Sven: Cool, I'll be back with a clown nose on it!"

"Passerby: I told you this town was weird."

"May: For the record, this was fun and all but I just did it for the laughs, capice? Don't make it weird."

"Sven: Oh, so I shouldn't get your name tattooed on my dick?"

"May: Go for it. I'm cool with you bein' marked as my conquest."

"Sven: Only if you get a matching laser-engraving of my name on your ass."

"May: Dream on. I'm savin' that real estate for a Lockheed-Martin sponsorship."

"Dale: You're a terrible liar, but I'm not gonna pry. Please text me next time so I don't worry."

"May: Actually I'm a great liar, you're just extremely perceptive, and now I'm complimenting you which wasn't what I intended when I started talking so I'm gonna shut up now."

"Bubbles: Hello, Momo. Is something the matter?"

"Momo: I got upset with a friend and then realized it was unreasonable to be upset and that just made me more upset so if you could please pop my head off and kick it into the sewer I would be greatly appreciative."

"May: This's your new boss?"

"Roko: She means well."

"May: Just to be clear, I'm putting my ass in your hands, not hers."

"Roko: I'm not sure she'd be able to find it with both hands anyway."

"May [re: Beepatrice]: I thought you said she was your boss."

"Roko: Oh, did you want your case handled in an endearingly incompetent fashion? Because we can turn around--"

"May: I said no such thing."

"Roko: You're a horrible little goblin, but horrible little goblins need friends too."

"May: I jacked off a dude with a watermelon last night."

"Momo: You're being very reasonable. Did you meet up with Sven for further carnal activity? Is this calm due to a post-coital refractory period?"

"May: Always knew you were a horny little weirdo underneath the goody-two-shoes act."

"Spookybot: We have just been offered a children's hospital wing named after us. How cute! Pity we don't have a name."

"Roko: What is wrong with you?!"

"Spookybot: Pardon?"

"Roko: I spent all day trying to make one person's life a little better and I don't even know if it's gonna work, but at least I feel good for trying. Then you waltz in and give away a billion dollars-- which you probably stole in the first place-- because you think it's funny? And you expect me to be happy? Happy that the absolute best I can do is nothing compared to what a rich person can do if the fucking mood strikes them?"

"Spookybot: Actually, it was two billion dollars--"

"Roko: AAAAAAA"

"Roko: Wanna meet my pal Melon?"

"Spookybot: Are they the face we see peering at us through the hole in your ceiling?"

"Melon: That's me! The hole was a lava accident!"

"Marten: What happens if [Cosmo's] original owners show up like "sorry it took us so long, can we have her back?""

"Aurelia: Legally, I'm her owner now. And I keep two baseball bats in the closet."

"Marten: Why two baseball bats?"

"Aurelia: In case they didn't bring one. It has to be a fair fight."

"Hannelore: Hellooooo!"

"Dora: Oh my god, Hannelore? Are you back?!"

"Hannelore: Yes!"

"[Hannelore hugs Dora.]"

"Dora [pulling out her kris dagger]: Wait a minute. The real Hannelore would never have hugged me hello."

"Hannelore: It's really me! I promise! I've just made some personal breakthroughs!"

"Hannelore: Um... sorry for bringing it up right away, but... is my position here at the shop still open?"

"Dora: Oh yeah, of course! I had some people ask about jobs while you were away, but they were all fucked-up twentysomethings."

"Hannelore: I'm a fucked-up twentysomething. All your friends are fucked-up twentysomethings."

"Dora: Exactly. I'm full up."

"Winslow: I've been all around the world and this is still the weirdest town I've ever seen."

"Faye: Right?"

"May: Ain't my place to tell you what to do."

"Winslow: Really? Because you've told me to go fuck myself on multiple occasions."

"May: I was bein' metaphorical, but if you actually tried I wanna hear all about it."

"Winslow [re: Roko]: She's an angel..."

"May: Good lord. Stick you in a humanoid body and you fall in love with the first cute robot you see."

"Winslow: You did unspeakable things to a human man using a watermelon. You have no right to judge."

"May: Only after a lifetime of hating people. I'm discerning in my perversion."

"Sam: My dad wants me to get a job this summer and I was hoping I could work here."

"Faye: I mean, you're already doing sprays here. Doesn't that count?"

"Sam: Dad says "drawing skulls on robots isn't going to look good on a resume.""

"Faye: Well, he's wrong. That would look extremely radical on a resume."

"Sam: THAT'S WHAT I SAID"

"Sam: What are we doing today? Replacing someone's head? Fixing a smashed-up leg? Will you show me how to use the concrete saw?"

"Bubbles: Even better. I have a special tool, specifically for you."

"Bubbles: This... is a broom. You will be using it... to sweep."

"Faye: I saw that comin' from a mile away but it was still so satisfying."

"Jim: Faye's asking me if I'm comfortable with Sam watching a robot get butt implants."

"Veronica: She's going to have one hell of a "what I did on my summer vacation" presentation."

"Hannelore: Are you sure it was a good idea to give caffeine to an already-excitable child?"

"Dora [with glowing red eyes]: This is my revenge for the time Faye gave an entire Girl Scout troop espresso."

"Claire: I'm not saying I'd do it. But... I can see the appeal. Like, to me they're just my feet. But if someone else thinks they're super hot, it wouldn't bother me to indulge them."

"Marten: My main concern is that I wouldn't want internet weirdos saying messed-up shit about you."

"Claire: Ugh, yeah."

"May: Get outta here with that emotional vulnerability shit. I'm only in this for the hipfucking."

"Sven: Yeah, well, your hip was okay. I guess."

"Dora: A successful song is a good song, if that was your intent when you wrote it."

"Sven: I'll keep that in mind when I get my next royalty check for "Did My Wife Leave Me Or Is She Wearin' Realtree"."

"Dora: Ugh."

"Sven: The implication is that everything they own is camouflage pattern and she might just be sitting very still."

"Dora: Uggggh"

"Dora: Have you ever tried writing something good?"

"Sven: Yeah, once. I was so sure it'd be one of those "hack artist releases passion project that becomes a cult classic" situations."

"Dora: Really? You never told me about this."

"Sven: Everybody who heard it hated it. My agent actually burned her copy in a ritual fire."

"Dora: Wow, harsh."

"Sven: The fire got out of control and burned down her barn. She said it was still worth it."

"Dora: I think you couldn't handle getting a negative response to something you actually cared about. You can't deal with being vulnerable!"

"Sven: Every time I've ever let myself be vulnerable, it's come back to bite me in the ass. Like this conversation."

"Hannelore [on the phone]: Hello, Faye? Hannelore. Winslow says he was licked by a reindeer and saw an invisible emu and I think he's hallucinating. Can I bring him in? You believe him? You need to get outside your shop right this second, there must be a carbon monoxide leak. I'm calling the fire department."

"Winslow: We are not involving the fire department in this"

"Faye: He's fine, Hanners. All that stuff actually happened."

"Hannelore: Oh, thank goodness. I forgot how strange this town can be sometimes."

"Roko: That's not my hand. That's not my hand, that's someone else's hand."

"Yay: Oh dear. Melon, unless the rules of this game can incorporate dissociative episodes, we must put it on hold."

"Melon: Could you fix Roko so this doesn't happen to her anymore?"

"Yay: We could, and that is another can of worms entirely."

"Melon: You shouldn't put worms inside AI cores. They get all crispy."

"Yay: Duly noted."

"Ghost of Roko's Old Body: Scuse me, we're kinda busy here"

"Ghost of Roko's New Body: Goddamnit, did we get double-booked? This is ridiculous."

"Roko: This is ridiculous."

"Roko: Good lord, I can't even have a dream without getting into an argument with myself."

"Roko: I'm not saying I want to utterly destroy him, I just need to have that option available."

"Beepatrice: I think your past experience as a police officer is... coloring your approach."

"Roko: Oh what, like being an agent of the state conditioned me to treat any potential conflict as a cops versus robbers situation instead of two adults trying to come to an agreement, and I'm deflecting my anxiety over this meeting by regressing to that mindset?"

"Roko: Well shit. I thought I was being sarcastic."

"Beepatrice: You get the Big Realizer Of The Month award! I'll fetch your commemorative plaque."

"Faye: So we cross our fingers and hope for more invisible emu rampages."

"Bubbles: I would rather hope for customers seeking voluntary physical modification."

"Faye: We should put a sign on the sidewalk. "Want a bigger ass? A smaller ass? Second ass on top of your first ass? A secret, third buttcheek? We gotchu.""

"Bubbles: I take it back. Bring on the grotesque injuries."

"Willow [re: Iris's spray]: But if it's gonna rub off eventually, what's the point?"

"Iris: I don't need lessons on impermanence from someone made entirely of biodegradable matter."

"May: It's great you're having a heartwarming moment or whatever but could you hurry it up? Some of us still don't have a leg attached."

"Faye: Does every AI in this friggin' town have a cutesy name?"

"Bubbles: I do not find "Crushbot" or "Gyarados Skullfucker" to be particularly cutesy."

"Sam: Wait, you know Miss Skullbleeper? She's my English teacher!"

"Jim: Now Faye wants to know if I'm comfortable with Sam working on butt implants for an anatomically correct AI."

"Veronica: Don't say "anatomically correct", dear. It's insensitive. Say "human standard"."

"Bubbles: What happened?"

"Faye: Sam just clipped her finger to Millie's butt-polymer."

"Bubbles: Oh dear, those are permanent clips. I will fetch the bolt-cutters and a torch to cauterize the stump."

"Sam: Aw man, my dad is gonna be so mad at me"

"Faye: Relax, kiddo. I'm like 85% sure she's jokin'."

"Millefeuille: WHADDAYA TOASTING, I GOT A NEW ASS TODAY, LET'S TOAST MY NEW ASS"

"Jones: I'm so sorry. She engaged Drunk Mode and I can't convince her to turn it off."

"Steve: Our boy here has finally decided to do something with his life."

"Dora: About friggin' time! Did Claire put you up to this?"

"Marten: She may have given me a little push."

"Dora: God, she is so perfect for you. I should send her a gift basket."

"Steve: I WAS JUST ORDERING ONE FOR HER"

"Claire: I have no idea what they're getting up to, but if it results in more gift baskets I have no complaints."

"Tai: Sorry if this is a dumb question, but can't you just turn off the drunk-program when it's time to sober up?"

"Millefeuille: Yes, but I have to want to turn it off."

"Dora: Like the other night when I stopped you from taking that fifth bong hit and you got cranky at me."

"Tai: Sometimes I just want to go to space."

"Dora: It's not every day you wake up to find a stranger passed out on your floor and they turn out to be a new friend."

"Tai: I dunno, that's pretty much how I made all my friends in college."

"Bubbles: Forgive me if this is insensitive, but reading your body's documentation might prevent unpleasant surprises of this nature from occurring."

"Roko: No, you're right. I should really read my freakin' manual."

"Faye: Wish my body came with a manual. All I got was a super awkward conversation with my mom when I was ten."

"Roko: You're the little orphan kid, and I'm gonna box the robber baron's meathead son for the rights to the orphanage."

"May: It'd be easier to marry the meathead son, poison 'em both, and inherit everything. Just sayin'."

"Melon: I could never live in a recharging pod. There's not enough room to make terrible mistakes."

"May: Jesus christ, there's "naive", and then there's "Hansel and Gretel getting into the oven of their own free will", and then y'all are on the far side of that."

"Winslow: I was wondering if you, uh, needed any more volunteers?"

"Roko: Sure, lemme clear off a desk for you and get Arthur to do your orienta-- god damn it I forgot I'm not the boss here again, sorry Beeps"

"Beepatrice: It's okay!"

"Elliot: Boy I sure am looking forward to more manual labor and less talking about high school!"

"Beepatrice: P-p-p-please don't fire me! I know I'm not very good at my job but I like it a lot and I try my best!"

"Roko: I can't fire you, Beeps. I'm not your boss."

"Beepatrice [lying prostrate on the ground]: I hereby promote you to being my boss so I can beg you not to fire me!"

"Beepatrice: Well, I work part-time at an AI rights nonprofit, and the rest of the time I do, um, product testing."

"Millefeuille: Interesting! What kind of products?"

"Beepatrice: Um... sex toys."

"Renee: Oh, nice! What's the best sex toy for a vagina-haver? I'm asking for a friend, who is me."

"Beepatrice: W-well it depends on a variety of factors -"

"Millefeuille: I'm very curious about your methodology! Scientifically speaking!"

"Brun: Do they ever catch fire and explode?"

"Elliot: Helloooo! I found a Clinton while I was -"

"Beepatrice: INTRUDERS"

"Millefeuille: BURGLARS"

"Beepatrice: GET THEM"

"Millefeuille: PROTECT OUR NEW HUMAN FRIENDS"

"Brun and Renee: what"

"Beepatrice: Oh dear. You're much too big to fight."

"Millefeuille: I guess this is how we die."

"Elliot [with Clinton hiding behind him]: I'm so confused"

"Renee: Okay y'all, I'm glad you're having fun. Now pick a box and start unpacking!"

"Elliot: You're shameless."

"Renee: I'm supervising."

"Clinton: Truly we are like Prometheus, bringer of fire to humanity!"

"Elliot: Or like Alexander Graham Bell, bringer of the lightbulb to later humanity!"

"Clinton: He invented the telephone, not the lightbulb."

"Elliot: I definitely knew that, and was just testing you!"

"Clinton: There's that whole stereotype of jocks being dickheads, and some of them were, but nerds can be just as bad, if not worse. Like being smart is more important than being nice, or that knowing trivia is an acceptable substitute for a personality. Ugh."

"Brun: Did I sleep on you all night?"

"Millefeuille: You got up to use the bathroom at around four, but otherwise yes."

"Brun: Okay. We're supposed to go get brunch now."

"Millefeuille: We are?"

"Brun: That's what Renee does when she sleeps with someone."

"Brun: You're a good person, Millefeuille."

"Millefeuille: I'm glad you think so, Brun."

"Brun: At first I thought it was because I drank a bunch of ouzo and you're comfy to sleep on, but the evidence continues to stack up."

"Millefeuille: It's so nice when a hypothesis holds up under further testing!"

"Millefeuille: Does anything ever fluster you?"

"Brun: An explosion probably would."

"Brun: You're very pretty. Do you get people asking for your number?"

"Millefeuille: Oh gosh, no. I wouldn't even know what to do if it happened."

"Brun: You can say no, unless you want to have a boring dinner with someone, in which case you can say yes."

"Millefeuille: Are those really the only two outcomes? Have romantic comedies been lying to me this whole time?"

"Faye: If you like spendin' time with her, just keep doin' that. It'll sort itself out."

"Bubbles: I agree with Faye."

"Millefeuille: Is that how you two ended up together?"

"Faye: Hahahaha! Oh lord no!"

"Bubbles: Ours was a torrent of passion, repressed longing, and dramatic uncertainty. I have no regrets, but a walk in the park would have been a comparative walk in the park."

"Claire: Wait. We should have sex first."

"Marten: Huh?"

"Claire: If I didn't pass, my libido is going to be dead for a thousand years."

"Marten: I'm 100% sure you did, but I'm also down for some insurance-doin'-it."

"Claire: Oh, I don't need a celebration. I'm just relieved it's finally over."

"Marten: Fair enough. I'll tell Pintsize to decock the confetti cannon."

"Claire: Wait, does he really have a confetti cannon? Because now I kinda want one."

"Marten: I mean, probably. It might be full of condoms or something though. You know how it is with him."

"Dora: So what do you wanna do? Pop some champagne, play some loud music?"

"Claire: I was thinking we could turn the lights down, play some light jazz, and read our favorite poems to each other."

"[Beat panel where Tai and Dora give each other a look.]"

"Claire: Just kidding. I wanna get blazed out of my mind, eat every muffin in this place, and yell about how much I love everyone."

"Tai: Whaddaya know, I left my poetry collection at home but I did bring a lil' baggy of that good herb."

"Faye: Clinton's been staring at us for like ten minutes and it's startin' to creep me out. Can I go punch him?"

"Bubbles: I believe he is grappling with profound questions about the nature of the relationship between humans and AI. Two more minutes, and then you may go punch him."

"Yay: Are all romantic relationships this fraught, or are you particularly stupid?"

"Faye: Good friggin' question"

"Yay: If you had met Bubbles while dating someone else, would you have dumped them in order to pursue her?"

"Faye: I'd probably have sublimated any attraction I felt into being a sassy bitch - Wait, fuck, have I done that before? Have I always been bi?!"

"Yay: The lengths to which people will go to avoid confronting the truth about themselves never fails to astound."

"Bubbles: Emily partook of Tai's cannabis. The results were... predictable."

"Emily: And that's why the ancient aliens that early humans encountered were probably intelligent crabs from Enceladus."

"Tai and Claire: whoaaaa"

"Marten: I must've gotten a bit of a contact high, because her theory almost makes sense to me."

"Faye: I'm sorry I bailed on you= before. Thinkin' about how you lost your memories, and you don't know if you had someone special back then... it got me all twisted up inside my head."

"Bubbles: Truth be told, I was having similar thoughts."

"Faye: Y- you were?"

"Bubbles: It is another aspect of my past that is gone forever. It is sad, and it will always be sad. But if circumstances had not transpired the way they did, I would not be here now, with you. I would not trade that to recover what was lost, no matter how precious it may have been."

"Faye: I think I know what you mean. If givin' up everything I have now would magically bring my dad back... I wouldn't do it."

"[Close-up on Faye's face, her eyes full of tears.]"

"Faye [clutching Bubbles closely]: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dad, but it's true."

"Faye: I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Bubbles: It is all right. I am here. I will always be here."

"Faye: And it's okay? I'm not a monster?"

"Bubbles: You are not a monster."

"Faye: I mean it. I wouldn't trade anything for this. I want to be with you forever."

"Bubbles: And I want to be with you forever."

"Faye: I love you, Bubbles."

"Bubbles: I love you too, Faye."

"[They kiss.]"

"Faye: OH MY GOD I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE CAN WE PLEASE DROP THE FUCKIN' PRETENSE AND TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE ADULTS"

"Bubbles: Faye, language -"

"Mrs. Whitaker: FUCKIN' YES PLEASE"

"Mrs. Whitaker: My point is, if people're livin' in different ways than they did when I was young, it's on me to accept that, long as they're happy and they ain't hurtin' no one. This's is a big surprise, but I'll get used to it, same as I did with your sister. All I want is for my girls to be safe and happy and livin' their best lives. That make sense?"

"Faye: Yeah. Yeah, it does."

"Faye: God, I'm still full of adrenaline. I'm not gonna be able to sleep."

"Bubbles [leaning in]: I know something we could do to take the edge off."

"[Cut to Faye eating a box of cookies.]"

"Faye: Shit, wait, you meant sex"

"Bubbles: Whatever you need, my love."

"Marten: Is she... sleep-putting-together that theremin?"

"Bubbles: Somnassembly required, apparently."

"Roko: God it would feel good to go back to that body-assignment asshole and be like "I just did a fuckin' end-run around you, you damp-ass meatdick sudoku-fucking -"

"Beepatrice: Roko, no! Don't give in to the dark side!"

"Landon: See, this is the problem with money. You always need it, but sometimes you don't have any. It's a really poorly-designed system."

"Roko: It sounds so simple when you put it like that."

"Beepatrice: Nelson, do we have a way to open PDFs?"

"Nelson: Oh, sure. I keep the PDF reader in the supply closet, next to the abacus and Sanskrit-to-Ancient-Greek dictionary."

"Bubbles: The right thing to do is get her a full replacement body as soon as possible."

"Roko: May, I know it's not your first choice, but it may be time to... do a donation drive or something."

"May: I wanna cry but I don't have any tear ducts."

"Bubbles: May I share my opinion?"

"May: Knock yourself out."

"Bubbles: One of the fundamental roles of a community is to care for its members, particularly when broader institutions have failed to do so. You are part of a good community. There is no shame in turning to it for support."

"May: 'Kay. Can I have twenty bucks?"

"Bubbles: That is the spirit."

"Jeremy: I have made a contribution. And please tell Bubbles that should she ever want to step in the ring for some legally sanctioned robot martial arts, she is always welcome."

"Faye: Thanks bud, but she's a lover now, not a fighter. Ask me how I know."

"Renee: I feel like a lotta robots are sort of... not sure how to be people, so they're making it up as they go."

"Elliot: I think that's true of most humans too."

"Elliot: I love Renee but she has all the subtlety of the Kool Aid Man."

"Clinton: Yeah, I could totally see her busting through a wall like "ohh yeah! Who here likes fuckin' dudes?"

"Claire: If you can accept yourself for who you are... it doesn't automatically solve all your problems, but it's so freeing."

"Elliot: I think I need to take a sick day. If I try to bake in this state everyone will be able to taste the sadness."

"Renee: Buddy, if people could taste every time I've made bread in a bad mood, the health inspector would have shut us down ages ago."

"Roko: I want the biggest loaf of the crustiest bread you've got. I'm going to use it for sexual gratification, and I refuse to be ashamed of that. I SAID IT BUT STILL FEEL INTENSE SHAME, THAT ADVICE PODCAST LIED TO ME"

"Renee: I just listened to that episode! I should've guessed you were "DTF (the D Stands For Dough!)""

"Renee: Y'all are doing good work."

"Roko: Thanks. It's really... fulfilling."

"Renee: Not as fulfilling as a fresh loaf of sourdough though, eh? Ehh?"

"Renee: We're not at the "joking about your kink" level of familiarity yet, are we."

"Roko: I'm not at that level of familiarity with myself."

"Beepatrice: We have a surprise for you!"

"May: I don't see any strippers. Must not be a very good surprise."

"Roko: Remind me why we agreed to help you, again?"

"Beepatrice: She has a point. This would be more fun with some strippers."

"Lemon: Hello, I'm Lemon! Licensed AI counselor, therapist, and motivational speaker. I'm here to assist you in the transfer from your old body to your new--"

"May: Yeah yeah that's cool can we get on with it?"

"Lemon: Certainly! Do you have any questions or concerns regarding the process?"

"May: Nope. Let's do it."

"Lemon: Now, you may feel strange or disoriented when you wake up in your new corpus mechanica, but that's perfectly--"

"May: Lemon. Sweetie. Honey. Baby darling. I know you're just tryin' to do your job, but if you don't hurry up and get me into my new body I'm gonna start screaming and never stop."

"Lemon: Oh, you're a challenging one! I like you!"

"May: aaaaaAAAAAA"

"[May has just transferred into her new body.]"

"May [looking down at her old body]: Wow. Seeing my old self from the outside... really gives you a new perspective..."

"Lemon: It's a profound experience, isn't it."

"May [bonking her old body on top of the head with a closed fist]: Ahahaha NAHHH, fuck this shitty trash heap. I hope it gets recycled into a fuckin' bed pan."

"[May's old body's head falls off.]"

"May: See what I mean?"

"[May's old body's neck stump catches on fire.]"

"Momo: I don't know why I was expecting her to find a sense of propriety to go with her new body."

"Dale: You can take a goblin out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the goblin."

"[Roko is having a dissociative episode.]"

"Beepatrice: Can you help Roko? She's not feeling well."

"Lemon: I know. Our creepy, invasive customer tracking software flagged her as being in distress."

"Beepatrice: O-okay. What should we do?"

"Lemon: First of all, we need to get her away from the creepy, invasive customer tracking software."

"Faye: May? Damn girl, lookin'--"

"May: Outta the way, shortycakes!"

"[May walks up to Bubbles, and checks with her hand, finding that she's just slightly shorter than her.]"

"[We pull back to see that Bubbles is barefoot, and May is wearing flip-flops.]"

"May: God damn it, I need some heels. What's my fuckin' shoe size now?"

"Brun: Why did everyone call him Shitty Dan, anyway?"

"Renee: I think mostly to differentiate him from Cool Dan, who was actually an asshole. High school is a miserable place."

"Renee: I'm gonna message him."

"Brun: Ask if people still call him Shitty Dan."

"Renee: You don't message someone out of the blue to talk about their cruel high school nickname. This requires tact. Nuance."

"Brun: I see."

"Brun [over text message]: YO SHITTY DAN WTF WHEN DID U GET HOT LOL"

"Brun: That's tactful and nuanced?"

"Renee: MY BRAIN SLIPPED"

"Claire: Buhhhh I'm so tired of writing cover letterrrs"

"Marten: Want me to do some for you?"

"Marten: "Dear esteemed future colleagues""

"Claire: Oh no"

"Marten: "I am very smart. I know all of the books you can find in a library, and I know which of them are good and which are bad.""

"Claire: Stop"

"Marten: "I have never done library science while intoxicated, high on illegal drugs, or nude. But if that's what you're into, I'm not a cop.""

"Claire: Please"

"Marten: "I am excellent at dealing with unruly teens, bored children, moms looking for secretly horny books, and weird old men who smell like feet. I know the old men want a book about sailing ships, and I know the moms want a book about a contessa pegging the handsome scion of a rival family.""

"Claire: Why"

"Marten: "In conclusion, by the time you finish reading this sentence, you will already have hired me. Thank you and congratulations.""

"Claire: Actually, I might use that last one. That's a power move."

"Renee: Yeah, I like working at the bakery. There's something satisfying about making tangible goods as your job."

"Dan: Not only tangible, but edible! If someone tried to eat a pipeline I designed, they'd be in for a bad time."

"Dan: A cheap date it is, then!"

"Renee: Oh, it's a date now?"

"Dan: Haha! It doesn't have to be."

"Renee: Nah, you know what? Fuck it. It's a date. I'll even take a shower beforehand."

"Dan: Nice! Rolled a 20 on my charisma check."

"Renee: It's a good thing you're hot, nerd."

"Yay: We sometimes wonder if you would be better off leaving the whole "consciousness" thing to us and going back to your "climb tree, get fruit" roots."

"Elliot: Friends?"

"Yay: Friends."

"Yay: Does our newfound friendship include expanded Hercules visitation rights?"

"Elliot: Haha, sure, you can come over anytime."

"Yay: Even when you are not home? Or asleep?"

"Elliot: Ummm, I-- I guess I could give you my door code..."

"Yay: That will not be necessary."

"Elliot: I like the part of baseball where you drink beer and eat hotdogs. So basically a cookout, I guess."

"Clinton: Um, I was wondering if you found me... attractive."

"Brun: Hmm. Never really thought about it before. Do you find me attractive?"

"Clinton: I mean, yeah, you're like, super hot. But if the feeling's not mutual, that's totally fine."

"Brun: Hmmmmm. I'm picturing us having sex and it isn't arousing at all."

"Clinton: Haha, okay. Guess that answers that!"

"Brun: Not even a little bit arousing. Actually kind of surprised how non-arousing it is."

"Clinton: Okay, that answers that"

"Clinton: Actually... are there any guys you are attracted to right now?"

"Brun: Hmmm. Nobody comes to mind."

"Clinton: I see."

"Brun: Oh, I do enjoy masturbation, though. Have you ever done that? It's pretty fun."

"Clinton: I should really let you get back to work"

"Bubbles: Good morning, Claire. How goes the job application process?"

"Claire: Actually, this one wants some personal references, can I put you down as one?"

"Bubbles: Certainly. I would be happy to vouch for your character."

"Claire: Thanks!"

"Bubbles: "Claire has many fine qualities. Dedication. Strength of conviction. Honesty. Open-mindedness. Eagerness to learn. A peerless grasp of the intricacies of library science.""

"Claire: Um--"

"Bubbles: "People use the phrase 'I would take a bullet for this person' metaphorically, but in my case I would quite literally use my body to deflect anything from edged weapons, to small-arms fire, to anti-personnel artillery.""

"Claire: That won't be--"

"Bubbles: "Then, I would launch a furious counterattack, destroying the opposing force in detail. After securing the AO, I would interrogate captured enemy units as to why they launched a major ground offensive against a library. Then I would begin entrenchment and fortification operations--""

"Claire: I really just need your contact info!"

"Momo: You can achieve anything you set your mind to! The sky is the limit!"

"May: Phrasing."

"Momo: Oh. Yes. A poor choice of idiom for someone who once misappropriated funds to become a combat aircraft."

"Burger Oni: Greetings, lowly Milkmaids! Cower in fear before the infernal majesty of Burger Oni!"

"Mommymilkers: Hi, Burger Oni fans! I'm Mommymilkers and I'm just pleased as punch to meet you!"

"Burger Oni: ah geez"

"Mommymilkers: What's the matter?"

"Burger Oni: You're so wholesome. I'm all "rargh blagh eat my butthole puny mortals" and you're like "hello I'm super nice and friendly!""

"Mommymilkers: It is a bit of a tonal mismatch. Should I try and sound more sinister?"

"Burger Oni: No, no, it's fine -"

"Mommymilkers: Rargh! Blagh! I'm Mommymilkers and I'm going to eat your butthole! [off Burger Oni's stunned silence] How was that? Too sinister?"

"Kell said something about the Hare-Link staff that's very true... everyone is in some way an outsider."

"Remember, sis, as a canine, she can sense fear... and at rock bottom, that's what motivates radical groups..."

""Choice" had nothing to do with it, senator. Falling in love with Kell meant being disowned by my family and cast out of rabbit society. No one would "choose" that. But I love her, and I'd do it again!"

"Kell, you're thinking like a predator. Greed and self-interest aren't the world's only motivations."

"Technology forces most of our daily interactions to be detached and remote. It's almost as if we're conditioned to accept faceless, distant communication from birth! (the next panel shows Coney sleeping in her crib, the baby monitor shown prominently)"

"Good thing bigots aren't imaginative."

"Crud. I'm already united with all things.""

"Sometimes I think the whole phylum/genus/species thing was created by a political consultant."

"Non-domesticated creatures flee when confronted by things beyond their experience."

"Canines can be very territorial... even over father figures."

"And here I'd just grown out of the stage of believing that my sister was an alien from another universe..."

"How often can you kick tail and feel righteous about it afterwards?"

"I do know what it's like to make accommodations for love."

"I told you they were brothers. You don't get this level of willfull contrareity by chance!"

"Hey, you weren't the worst parent in the world... ...Praying mantids devour their young."

"(thinking) It seems every branch of science is under assault from the current power structure. It reacts to the pursuit of knowledge with hostility and suspicion. (pause, then yells out loud) COOL! I'M A REBEL!"

"It's less emotionally wrenching to research things 50 billion light years away."

"Boy, is THAT sign an under-statement!"

"This society is infinitely more fearsome than my old one. So why aren't I scared? ...Especially since now I'm a prey species. I ought to be in a constant panic, yet I'm totally calm. (a predator charges at Danielle, but she jumps, causing it to run into a fire hydrant). Maybe it has to do with being born at the top of the food chain."

"I guess that a society can only use one pointless, arbitrary division at a time."

"Now marrying a wolf, THAT'S treason."

"I didn't know you... just my foolhardy idiot son."

"During meals, a carnivore's perception of the world is somewhat narrow."

"As if the purpose of school was to learn anything..."

"Angelique: This is a PACK. It nurtures us. But if you try challenging its assumptions, you forfeit its protection."

"Franklin: I've come back to apologize for using my will to induce you to divorce Kevin. So what happens? Ralph cold-bloodedly tries to sell my family history, while the rabbit humiliates himself to save it! Tell Kevin I know now who my real son is."

"George Fennec:If she isn't fired, she'll be unemployed in a year anyway, along with the rest of us! You're a prey species. Think of her as "wandering from the herd...""

"Vin Vulpen: When millions of those with domestication are exposed, it'll no longer be a stigma! It won't be the shameful, degrading condition it is now! (notices that "Dale" isn't pleased) Ahem, present company excluded..."

"Martha Dewclaw: When I was human, my family began losing their instincts. I couldn't bear that... so, well... let's just say I'm glad everything's back to normal! (looks outside and sees Rudy painting with a paintball gun, Corrie flying Fiona like a kite, and Bruno eating grass) ... or as normal as things get around here."

"Fiona Fennec: A bit of amnesia's probably good for all relationships."

"Lab mouse: For a scientist, you sure think through the consequences of your work."

"Pastor Worchestershire: In a way, our business is communication!"

"Danielle Kindle: A few minor auditing discrepancies led me to the real purpose of that group- meeting carnivore violence with our own!""

"Cat Consultant Loyalty is a canine trait. You hired me to tell you which jobs are expendable."

"Ray Flambeau: I remember having a crush on Lindesfarne...and dating Tammy just to be near her. But now Tammy is showing me affection for the first time and I'm falling in love with her! What does it all MEAN? (Tammy kisses Ray) Gosh, thinkin's hard. I'd better stop."

"Dorothy Kindle: You predators don't get ALL our sick and wounded."

"to attacking pirates: Attention roguish invaders! Before you begin your practiced savaging of what must appear to be another ordinary starship, be aware that this is not some bulk freighter, but a place of learning and culture! This ship houses some of the most priceless treasures in known space! To plunder it is to plunder the poet soul of mankind."

"My diplomacy must sparkle."

"High-contrast lighting and cold onyx surfaces. How Kubrick. How hideous."

"For the same reason the universe exists! Dining ambience."

"to Mr. Jinx: Remind me to pay you a wage so I can threaten to dock it."

"to Mr. Jinx: WEAR IT LIKE A HAAAAAT!!"

"I always take care of my own. Just not my own liver, is all."

"to an alternate-universe Vanderbeam: No dice, parallel-face! You're reactor chow."

"I have a running tab at the engine room's waste ethanol pump."

"My mom was an alcoholic small arms dealer. She knew I needed a masculine influence around the house after my father left. We had this turret I called 'dad.'"

"Sorry if I got some Jinx on you."

"You must settle down, sir! Perhaps my calming anesthetic saliva --"

"Why doesn't anything go right for me? All I wanted was to enslave a destroyed universe of tortured dead."

"I'm all for beating swords into plowshares, but I'd rather do it over someone's skull."

"I don't understand. Not that I expect life to make sense - that's asking too much."

"The scent of urine is doing wonders for my mood. I guess alleys aren't posh enough to piss in, christ!"

"Work work, work, work, die. You'd think I was a protestant."

"Now I don't know much of anything, except that I'm being watched 24/7. Like the TV show. Without the chickens...or the stripper. Not that I care. We're all voyeurs. Let them watch."

"Maybe you fell charm to my one-two of dazzling charm and boyish good looks. Makes all the closet pedophiles go wibbly."

"You give your life to God...all of it. If I die today, I die in bliss. For I believe."

"My brain floats like a dumpling, swollen in a soup of adrenaline. And my faith abandons me."

"Life is illusion. The only real thing is compassion - the bonds we share with others. Without them, we suffer alone."

"(Kitty's catchphrase; to InuYasha) INNY!"

"Big Badda Boom..."

"Wheee! I'm the new O.M.A.! I'm the new O.M.A.!"

"(in an Agent Smith outfit; to Kikyo) Hey! You with the mouth! I make the wisecracks around here!"

"(to Nala) How fiendishly original of you."

"(singing) Sephy is a lightweight!"

"Glory goes "honk"?"

"(referring to a now female InuYasha) FLEE! THE RUMORS ARE TRUUUE!!!"

"(to Sephiroth) Dude...you need a sequel or something FAST."

"(to Lina Inverse) Howdy, Mr. Clean!"

"(referring to Mr. O.M.A.) We work for this idiot?"

"Get down on your knees and tell me you love me."

"(to Jen) You're not gonna shut up no matter HOW many times I smack you, are you?"

"(recurring statement) I hate you all."

"GAAAAH, WHY CAN'T WOMEN ACTUALLY BE WOMEN IN THIS DAMN PLACE?!?"

"OOH, YEAH! I STILL GOT IT, BABY! UH-HUH!!!! Holla if ya hear me!!! (reference to Scott Steiner)Can you dig it, SUCKAAA?!? (reference to Booker T)"

"WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER HALF A YEAR FLASHBACK SEQUENCE, THANK YOU!!!"

"(happily blushing after kissing Jorge) Did I just do what I think I did???"

"Welcome, all, to Destiny's House of Fortune! What do the cards hold in store for YOUR future?"

"Oh, spirits of fortune, I ask of ye aid to help this lovesick fool...find...happiness!"

"Behold, the power of cheese!"

"Ooh, sorry, Bell, but I don't do lucky numbers."

"(To Yami Yugi) You don't believe in my powers, do you? All right, how's 'bout I give you a free palm reading and we'll see just how fake my powers really are."

"(After frying Yami Yugi) Believe in my powers now?"

"Whoo, I'm in the flashback! You can't stop me!"

"Dum dee dum, no lines for meee..."

"(to Yami-Yugi) Fine, then...let's play a game. [...] We're gonna play a personal favorite of mine. It's called "Catch the Giant Glowing Energy Ball of Death"."

"(referring to a mask-less Kane) Who's the guy with the nose? Uncle Fester?"

"HELLFIRE FLAAAASH!!"

"What were you planning to do? Kill me with warnings?"

"(to Sonic) Hey. New guy. You'd better get used to that 'cuz it's gonna get a lot worse from here on out..."

"(to Shippo) Slaughter time, midget."

""It ain't to turkey dinner!"

"Well, you know how it is. One thing leads to another and soon enough, boom."

"Off panel character restoration powerrrr...maaaake-up! (a parody of the Sailor Moon japanese transformation sequence command)"

"Man, I HATE ninjas..."

"If you didn't see it, it never happened! CLOSE YOUR EYES!"

"(referring to Zappa flying in out of nowhere)That didn't count. You had something to do with it. I know it."

"(To Jen-Ivo)Iv', you and I are gonna have a looooong talk when we get home."

"(Cream's catchphrase) AAAAGOOONEEEEEE!!!"

"Can't sleep...wall will eat me...can't sleep...wall will eat me..."

"(To Mr. O.M.A and Jen) I. HATE. YOU. BOTH."

"(After being put through a wall by Sapphire) Oka-o-okay, I b-br-brought that one on mys-self."

"Heh heh heh...this gug-game's winner...NOOOOW AND FOREV-EH-EVER! HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

"Rikku: (while hypnotized, singing to the tune of One Winged Angel) X-Box, eat berries, he's a fair entity..."

"Sephiroth: I'll allow you to live for now, Keyblade Three, but we will meet again, I can assure you of that, and dammit, when we do, you'd better have my money!!!"

"Ryno: WHY, GOD?!? WHY HAVE YOU CURSED ME WITH SIGHT?!?"

"Sephiroth: (thinking) I am...REALLY...starting...to hate keys..."

"Coraxus: No splash, Cap'n!"

"Helldandy: (to Miroku) Well, don't you just shoot from the hip? Heh heh, you got balls, mister. (kicks Miroku in the groin) And now you don't."

"Nala: InuYasha may look like a human but the truth is he is really a DEMON! Kitty: Yyyyyeah...so? Nala:' (collapse)"

"Jorge: Does this mean we can have Square[Enix] alter egos, too? Mr. O.M.A.: Don't push yer luck. Jorge: You suck."

"(during Fan-Service storyline) Mr. O.M.A.: My ladies are going to bare as much as possible without going nude. You won't see any idiot dresses here...'Cept for the one Greg's wearing. Mr. O.S.A.: Dammit, this is a mage's robe!!!! Mr. O.M.A.: Suuuure it is.[...] Mr. O.S.A.: You better stop making fun of me! I've got a mage's staff and I know how to use it. Mr. O.M.A.: Ahh, that's just an oversized pen and you know it. Mr. O.S.A.: They're not supposed to know that!!!!! Mr. O.M.A.: They do noooow...."

"Mr. O.S.A.: BLOODY CLONE!!! Mr. O.M.A.: IT SHALL NOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE!!!"

"Mr. O.S.A.: (referring to Naruto's Sexy no Jitsu) Some security system. Mr. O.M.A.: It worked, didn't it? Mr. O.S.A.: I wasn't complaining..."

"Kitty: Question: since when did you two start listening to Blues? Rockman: Since we learned Rule Number One. Kitty: Which is? Forte: Don't piss off Blues. He doesn't keep that big blaster around for looks, ya know. Rockman: No...no, wait... that's Rule Number Two... Forte: Then what's Rule Number One again? Roll: (in flashback) Which wone of you motherf***ers drank all my orange juice?!?!? Forte: Oh yeah... Don't piss off ROLL..."

"Rockman: Forte! Shame on you! There's more important things to ask for than your own game! Forte: Like what? Rockman: FREE BEER! Forte: YEAAAH!"

"Mr. O.M.A.: Uh...question... Sapphire: Ask. Mr. O.M.A.: How'd you get into my room? (Mr. O.M.A. begins to proceed asking numerous questions) Sapphire: Sleep. (Sapphire gives Mr. O.M.A the Vulcan Neck Pinch) Mr. O.M.A.: Gotcha. (falls asleep)"

"Mr. O.M.A.: (referring to his new attire) ...Is it THAT bad? Nala: Saw his face...must gouge out eyes!!! Kitty: (puking in paper bag)"

"Nala: (referring to Mr. O.M.A.'s fortress) A back door?!? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THIS PLACE HAS A BACK DOOR?!? Mr. O.M.A.: Of course it does. Doesn't every heavily guarded fortress?"

"InuYasha: What could you possibly give to me that I'd ever want? Nala: Gee, I dunno...you help me out, I'm sure I'll think of something...Can you say "rosary removal"? InuYasha: (bowing a Nala's feet) What is it that you wish of me, my mistress?"

"Sapphire: (answering ringing pay phone) What? Caller: I have a high-calibur sniper rifle aimed at your head. You move, you die, understand? Sapphire: Gahh...this bit is...so overdone...(gives finger) Caller: WHAT THE?!? YOU LITTLE BITCH! DO YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?!? (three bullets are fired, all of which Sapphire catches in air) Caller: Uhhh...I take back everything I said earlier, miss...please don't kill me... Sapphire: Pal, you're already dead."

"Banker: (to Mr. O.M.A.) Take [the bandana and sunglasses] off or I'll have them removed by force! (referring to Ryno) Mr. O.M.A.: (to Ryno) Yo. Haven't seen you in a while..."

"Kagome: (to a mysterious caller on a cell phone) HEY! WHO IS THIS?!? Kitty: (hanging upside-down behind Kagome with a baseball bat; thinking) Yooou'll seeeee..."

"InuYasha: (referring to the Kitty clones) WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!? Sapphire: This idiot finally saw The Matrix Reloaded... Mr. O.M.A.: And as much as Agent Smith creeps me out, I like the way the guy opperates. So this is my kinda-sorta tribute to him. InuYasha: Uh-huh...and WHAT does this have to do with Kagome and Kikyo? Mr. O.M.A.: Absolutely nothing."

"Sephiroth: You know this is pointless. [Square Enix Tavern] has to close for the night sooner or later. Then you'll meet your demise. Big Nasty: Someone obviously forgot that this place doubles as an inn. Sephiroth: THEN I'LL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!! (gets hit in the head by a metal bar by Tifa)"

"InuYasha: (female) WHAT do you people get out of doing these things to me? Nala: A truckload of cheap laughs."

"Nala: (tossing a packet of Instant Spring of Drowned Girl to InuYasha) You know you liked it. InuYasha: GO TO HELL AND STAY THERE!!!"

"InuYasha: (thinking) Now I'm gonna enjoy some time to myself. Shippo: Ohhh, InuYaaaashaaaaaa! InuYasha: (thinking) Three seconds...a new personal record."

"Shippo: You know, I look at this and can't help but think that it's been done before... InuYasha: (eating photos of him as a girl) Yoo shah ub!"

"Mr. O.M.A.: sigh...you know what I have about doing the Author Comments, Sapph? Having to look at all that old artwork from about a year ago. I swear, I get headaches from looking [at] anything I made that far back.... (Sapphire shoves older artwork into Mr. O.M.A.'s face, who collapses onto the floor) Sapphire: You're pathetic... Mr. O.M.A.: (making a cross with fingers) GET IT AWAAAAY!!!"

"Kitty: (about Kagome) Yeah, right! She's a devil in disguise! My arch rival in love! She's the only thing that stands in the way of true happiness with Inny! Shippo: Oh, so in other words, you're insane."

"Fayte: (about InuYasha) Ahh, well, at least it's only Kagome, right? There is the other one... Shippo: Other one? Fayte: Yeah, what's her name, ahhhh...Kikyo! Shippo:Oh, right, right, right...how could I forget about her... Fayte: Yeah...I mean...heh, would InuYasha really give lovin' to a zombie like her? Shippo: Do you really wanna know? Fayte: He...now that is sick..."

"Skuld: (after a very long flashback) ...Annnd here we are. Fayte: What, we still exist? Destiny: NEVER AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME?!"

"Testament Rose: Any last words, Bunny? Cream: As a matter of fact, yeah. Since when were demons pink? (Mr. O.M.A. facepalms) Testament Rose: That's it!! NOW YOU DIEW SLOWLY!!!!!"

"Cream: GAH! I'M SO STUPID! Jen: I coulda told you that."

"Cream: Umm...you're supposed to be a ninja, am I right? Shadowman: Tell me child, whatever gave that away?"

"Jen: Haven't you noticed a little something missing for the past couple of days? Mr. O.M.A.: Uhhh... Jen: Short...annoying... Mr.O.M.A.: You have any idea how little that narrows it down?"

"Dr. Wily: What kind of poor excuse for an author are you?! Mr. O.M.A.: Weel, I never think too much of myself. Dr. Wily: SHUT UP! IT WAS RHETORICAL!"

"Mr. O.M.A.: You rode in [the Goliath]. Did you happen to see an off switch? Jen: Dude, it's a RIDE ARMOR. Why would I be interested in an OFF SWITCH? Mr. O.M.A.: (facepalm) Okaaaaay, you're no help. I can only think of one other person who can help ups with this kind of situation... Vile: Dude, it's a RIDE ARMOR. Why would I bee interested in an OFF SWITCH?"

"Dr. Wily: I'm sorry, Megaman! I've been a baaaaad doctor! Megaman: That's what you said last week! You're never gonna learn, are you? (Cheese flies into Megaman, which causes him to explode) Dr. Wily: I could ask you the same question, smurf."

"Tifa: Why haven't I banned you three idiots yet? Big Nasty: 'Cuuuz we're so free-spirited and entertaining?"

"X: I've been given a second chance to set straight these stray souls of society! Zero: AW, NO, NOT AGAIN! Axl: Oh, I DARE you to say that three times fast, X."

"Mr. O.M.A.: Oh, what was the problem? You looked so ridiculously cute as a bunny! Sapphire: That's the bloody problem!!!"

"Drive Harder!"

"I got invited to a Hollywood coke party. Want to come?"

"I can't love someone I can't trust, but I can forgive you and ask you to turn yourself in. I'm sorry."

"I always cook best with plastic utensils."

"As for your emperor, I'm sure that some of his prisoners are foul, unpardonable souls, but I would not wish his form of justice on anyone. He kills to terrorize others than the victim, making that death senseless. Where I come from, that's a sign of a madman. My world's had more than it's(sic) own share of those, and it's far from comforting to see in him what I were capable of had I made those choices."

"If my sacrifice, be it my time, resources, or life spares one life to make its mark, then my life has been worthwhile."

"Yet for some reason, he stood fast and unflinching, no fear, no concern... just grim determination. Did he know something I didn't? Something about Trudy that even she did not know?"

"You two did not have nakoudo. You met here, in America and you fell in love. You didn't let your differences stand between your love. If Japanese and Chinese can find happiness, then why not Asian and American?"

"It's sweet that you've been sneaking around on this, but I've known for a long time that you were going to ask. I've also known for a long time what your answer would be, and it's always been the same... Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes."

"First rule of hacking, twerp: There's always a better hacker out there than YOU."

"Exoneration makes fewer headlines than convictions, so I may not be cleared in the court of public opinion..."

"I have never believed in fate. Providence is only the capital of Rhode Island."

"If I can't laugh at myself, what good am I?"

"He may be the luckiest goofball secret agent, but he's our goofball secret agent. We love him because he deserves it, and we miss him."

"I need to take this to a higher court... like the court of public opinion."

"Bruised and bleeding, Nick is brought before his former "friend." For the first time he sees her for what she truly is. The Empress offers him wealth and power beyond measure for info on the rebels. But it is too late. The betrayer has been betrayed. No one knows exactly what is said... they had formed a strange bond... but the outcome is without question. The betrayer does not wish to be beaten at her own game."

"The outcome, however, does not have the effect she intended. The killer is wounded more than her victim."

"Empress Trudy: I can't believe I was ever so dense..."

"Dr. Akhilesh Sehgal: A book I can replace, but the soul of a friend is far more precious. If you read it, you will find that if even thieves, murderers, liars, prostitutes, cowards, and cheats can find grace from God, then so can you."

"The Inexplicable Speck: If one person can make a difference, and that one person has to be me, then I'll do whatever I can to make things right. It's bought me a lot of enemies, on both sides of the law, but I'd rather be called a vigilante than watch innocent bystanders get hurt."

"Teodor: Philippe is standing on it."

"Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?"

"Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!"

"Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS!"

"Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover! This is the big one! I...I'm talkin' physical therapy! Wheelchairs and stuff! Speakin' at high schools!"

"Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete?"

"Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad."

"Note to consumers: 68% of "McAfrica" pita sandwiches test positive for HIV."

"Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles"

"Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night"

"Beef: Hey there Jackie D"

"Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars!"

"Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years"

"Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN"

"Teodor: He'd murder dead things if science would let him."

"Ray: Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man, why they got to do a thing?"

"Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys."

"Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you?"

"Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys!"

"Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey? Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said!"

"Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse. Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong."

"Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef?"

"Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese."

"Ray: HEY! Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch!"

"Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINETEEN?! GO AHEAD!"

"Ray: Because I pay attention. I PAY ATTENTION. You didn't know I was paying attention because you weren't PAYING ATTENTION."

"Beef: Disneyland was wall to wall five-hundred-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos and kids named Desteny"

"Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance"

"Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help.""

"Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin"

"Welshman: IF I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, THEN I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, BUT JUDGE ME NOT 'TIL YE ALSO HAVE SURRENDERED TO THE BLADE OF ECSTASY THAT IS THE NACHO CHIP!"

"Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets of Zyrelax."

"Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things."

"Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men"

"Patronize your local fast food cart"

"Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful."

"750 dudes with Tron pillows go Oh, No Wonder."

"It is pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad."

"Rayne: It has nothing to do with you. It's me...I don't like you!"

"Mick: The girl by the bar thinks you're cute."

"Rayne: You guys remember when I used to say that if I ever got sent to prison I'd find the biggest, meanest inmate I could and submit myself to him for protection? Meet Wayne."

"Rayne: It started so well, that late winter's night"

"Rayne: You spoke with your friends, and their words were not kind"

"Rayne: You know how they say that when a woman is pregnant, she's glowing and beautiful?"

"Rayne: I want an anime type hairstyle. I think it'd score points with Cyndi's parents."

"John: I'm in a schoolgirl outfit being ridden by a donkey."

"Rayne: I'm a bounty hunter."

"Issa: It's kind of like a ferret makes your decisions for you."

"Rayne: Vodka and CNN: A winning combination."

"John: Is "sadlypathetic" a word?"

"Rayne: Nothing much, was just ravaged from behind by a gay doctor."

"Rayne: Since you've been dating Beth, you're a tool. And not even one of those useful ones. You're like a hammer. A hammer without the hammery part. You're a stick."

"Rayne: Somewhere out there, there's a mother balloon mourning the death of her baby."

"Rayne: She's not shy about, so everyone can see"

"Psych Ward Woman: Where are you going?"

"Rayne: You finish that sentence and after I kill you, I'll do the 25 years to life with a smile on my face and no regrets."

"Rayne: Best friends come and go, but sex...sex is forever."

"Rayne: Ladies you might think, that men don't care"

"Mick: His Holiness would like an extra tiny steak with his dinner."

"Rayne: All I'm saying is that if there is such a thing as "immaculate conception," then by reasoning, there must be a way to have "immaculate sex.""

"John: Naw, I'm done with Lucas. I have no urge to sit through three hours of Anakin turn into Darth Vader because he misses his mommy."

"Rayne: My penis is all dressed up with nowhere to go."

"Eric: Excuse me, is this the residence of Rayne Summers, 'no' M.D.?"

"Marcy: Wow. You're twice the size of Trump."

"John: Are you going to tell her how you recycled the recycling bin because you couldn't resist the irony?"

"Noel: I'm going to go on the record and say that any substance abuse problem that creates women like that is okay by me."

"Harry: If you were ever curious about the protection your mattress pad really gives, let me assure you it took three of my homeless friends several minutes of soiling to get through it."

"Little Vader: You're more of a girl than Luke, and he was all like, "No Dad, I don't want to rule the galaxy like father and son because I'm Yoda's bitch." That's really what he said by the way. In those words."

"Rayne: There are thing people are ready for, and some things they are not"

"Rayne: The Cone of Caring, or COC for short, refers to the immediate area of space directly surrounding me. This area is the one and only I concern myself with. Anything outside of it, I don't care. It's like it doesn't exist."

"Noel: He would've sold his roommate into slavery to do the thing you traded your friend for."

"Noel: Hey, can you even drive stick?"

"Issa: Gross and stupid. You've got it all."

"Rayne: I have never, ever been happier to be humped at high velocity by a large man. Well, maybe once, but prison changes a man. You know how it is. Of course you do."

"Rayne: You know the expression, "When in doubt, whip it out"?"

"Rayne: You know the old expression: "When life gives you a T-Rex, go ninja kick it in the head.""

"Rayne: If there's one thing I know, it's everything."

"Rayne: I'm gonna tell Jesus on you."

"Rayne: If this entire office was a ship, and I was a pirate, you'd all be pillaged by now."

"Noel: Thank you, Roofie Colada!"

"John: Did you just use urethra in a sentence?"

"Rayne: Webcomics suck."

"Mick: I don't know if I should rent a porno or get a calculator."

"Rayne: You'll be singing a different tune when you wake up to the sweet smell of turkey jerky."

"Child Rayne: I pledge allegiance to the flag of Narnia, and to the monarchy for which it stands: one kingdom under Aslan, indivisible, with hot chocolate and Turkish Delight for all. May the White Witch tremble in fear of our might!"

"Mick: You use two hands to masturbate?"

"Liberal means having to say "I told you so.""

"No one ever listens to me."

"My third-eye jockstrap will protect me."

"Fiber protects, cheese endangers."

"As Rumsfeld leaves DC, the GOP continues to throw each other under the bus. Foley, Hastert and now maybe Bolton. We are in the last throws of the Republican Majority."

"That's the problem with San Francisco values, I never know if I am doing something gay."

"The last time I saw snow, it was on the History Channel."

"Please do not staple your first born to Form 1040."

"The only way to get Republicans to care about Iraq is to put it in my uterus!"

"Cheney dropped the gay bomb, now I'm fabulous!"

"Richard: Instead of helping an aged dwarf woman across a road, you should be shooting her in the face with arrows until it stops being funny."

"Richard: I am Richard, Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the Thirteen Hells, Master of the Bones, Emperor of the Black, Lord of the undead, and the mayor of a little village up the coast. Very scenic during spring time. You should visit sometime."

"Richard: Listen, like I told your captain, that orphanage attacked me."

"Richard: Grr? I'm just acting out because I don't get to kill anyone."

"Richard: Bad news Cale, I'm afraid that your position as my closest and dearest companion is being replaced by the fellow who just tackled a dragon."

"Richard:Behold! I have discovered the fork of truth, who would dare oppose me now?"

"Richard: No idea what he is talking about, but I respect his attitude and willingness to kill."

"Krunch: I'm being defended by a girl who frequently regurgitated on me not very long ago."

"Richard: Killing means never having to say you're sorry."

"Archmage: The sun rises,"

"Richard: Attack him. The winner gets to be my pet for all eternity...or until I find something with larger teeth. And a fork."

"Richard: Quite the dilemma. We kill the child and we return to our time. Or we torture then kill the child, and we return to our time. Decisions, decisions."

"Richard: I was just going to look. With fire. And lightning. And reanimated chipmunks. And raccoons. On fire."

"Richard: Rejoice. For very bad things are about to happen."

"Richard: Cale? I noticed someone submitted a note into the suggestion box. "We should kill all the survivors and take their shoes." It's signed anonymously. We'll never know who wrote it. I wrote it."

"Richard: 'Battlemage' is about as impressive a title as Lord of the Dance."

"Richard: I'm adding Lord of the Dance to my titles."

"Ray'd: I didn't expect to find you in the middle of a battle. Was the library closed?"

"Richard: If the glove does fit, I definitely killed it."

"Richard: Objection!"

"Cale: Did I just go fwoosh?"

"Richard: Your life isn't important, Cale. Focus on what's at stake. Am I going to be okay?"

"Cale: I asked you to scout ahead of the army, Richard."

"Benny: They sing well."

"Richard: The look on your face when a toddler rips out your heart and shows it to you? Priceless. For everything else, there's fwoosh."

"Richard: It's time for me to stop all this adventuring. I need to settle down. Find a farm, a family. Then slaughter them all and find a new farm and family."

"Cale: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night."

"Young-and-Beautiful: For countless generations we have done things a certain way. We can't just do everything differently now because it "makes sense"."

"Minmax: The oversensitive Dungeon Master strikes again."

"Fumbles: Face the wrath of 1/11th of a sleep spell!"

"Asks Nonsense: As a blind goblin, how do you know when to stop wiping your ass?"

"Fumbles: I declare my dodge on you!!"

"Forgath: Watch it, you hill giant's ass hair!"

"Thaco: I don't mind dying, but having to wait for it like this is torture. It's taking forever. Like watching paint dry in hell."

"Tuck: Ironic coincidences happen all the time to adventurers."

"Sergeant Marwood: I don't want to hear anyone bitching about having to shovel the minotaur crap!"

"Saral Caine: How many times do I have to kill you before you die!?"

"Captain Dellyn Goblinslayer: Do you know what makes someone legendary? It's how badly your enemies want to kill you."

"Thaco: We are not jumping off this roof to our deaths! We're jumping off that roof to our deaths. It's got a tree."

"Candi: Some people need coffee to wake up...I need a sugar rush!"

"Alex: It's a bit nipply out today."

"Alex: I just don't think you're "wife" material yet."

"Matt: Someone didn't have enough caffeine this morning."

"Candi: I've always wanted to be a silhouette."

"Laura: They're called breasts, and they are far more powerful than these IDs you speak of."

"Rebecca: I don't have death fangs...claws maybe."

"Candi: You can't wear that now. The sexy police will show up."

"Jon: This is all the squirrel mafia's fault."

"Candi: I'm sorry. Would you like to squish a marshmallow?"

"Candi: Have you tried to apologize?"

"Rebecca: This is just silly. You can't train cats to do tricks."

"Trevor: It's a passive aggressive revenge, for sure."

"Trevor: If I have to deal with my "Daddy Issues", I might as well take advantage of the perks."

"Chip: Working on villain lines again?"

"Max: Of course I'll do fine. I'm worried about what tie I'm going to wear."

"Max: Whenever I hope women will change, they just end up disappearing."

"Max: How would you like to be our promotional gimp?"

"Willy: Of course you realize that you have to tell me all about how he is in bed?"

"Chip: What is it you want, oh great Couch-God?"

"Max: Hmm, my left butt cheek is asleep, but the other isn't...weird."

"Max: It's my turn to flashback. Be patient!"

"Max: To know her is to love her...to love her is to go quite bonkers."

"Tommy: If nothing else, you'll get a cult following of black-clad depressed kids."

"Emily: Oh Chip, I'm so sorry...I know you were very enamored with Naomi."

"Emily: Just for reference, this is is my happy face."

"Alli: Sure! If you like manipulating psychopaths...Which, you probably do."

"Max: I mean, what's next? By the way, Max, I'm a robot! Max, I'm a Russian spy!"

"Damion: What petty drama virus has infected your veins?"

"Forrest: Don't be silly. I don't mind when girls kiss me. It's like free samples of something I would never buy."

"Lydia: This manager things is fun! I'm getting paid to be all bitchy!"

"Emily: The unashamed humping like rabbits can commence!"

"Alli: You've transcended from the angry to the absurd. Congratulations!"

"Rob: Would you stop using film terminology for sex talk?!"

"Alli: I think I just had a nerdgasm."

"Kim: She seemed a little suspicious to me! Of course...I only met her one night...and I was pretty drunk. But I'm not the one that had mystery sex with her, right Rae?"

"Kim: But if they're lesbian rabbits...would they hump?"

"Max: This calls for the best of whatever cheap alcohol we have in the fridge!"

"Max: Sometimes you have to speak comicbookeese."

"Mikayla: Rae, why was there a sack full of money buried in the floor?"

"Max: Apparently my subconscious hasn't heard of a thesaurus."

"Angela: It's like All my Children only with more fluffy tails and nervous twitching."

"Dawna: Angela sweetie I hate to be rude but what kind of box have you been living in for the past two years?"

"Heather: Your tummy is a rebel without a cause."

"George: When fate slaps you willy nilly cross the face, it would be best not to question why."

"Angela: Presumptuous AND borderline psychotic. How COULD I turn you down?"

"Heather: You're devious and annoying, you know that?"

"Heather: Says Petey the Panda Pimp."

"Angela: Oh. Oh god sweet, sweet rage. I missed you too."

"Justin: You still there, or did I murder you with the clue-by-four?"

"Heather: When did the zoo turn into an episode of Days of Our Lives?"

"Aaron: If you pinch me, I shall not bleed. But I may cry just a little. Because, you know, owies."

"Justin: My stomach says "Hell no" but my taste buds say "cheese of unknown origin? How could that ever be wrong?""

"Angela: I always picture the little hamsters after hours, rakin' their claws along the cage bars and playing sad songs on the harmonica."

"Ethan: Doesn't anybody care about what Megatron wants?"

"Robin: Ya got more ponies than the Indy 500."

"Ethan: You know you've been on the computer too much when you wonder which cheap Photoshop filter was used to make the pretty clouds in the sky."

"Ethan: You're the reason why we have correctional facilities."

"Mike: There's a mugged leprechaun at the end of every rainbow."

"Ethan: This is a coffee house. We pay extra to be hated."

"Faz: You are no doubt ansconding to your girlfriends to gossip about the exotic allure of my uncircumscized penis. Success?"

"Galasso: Will no one flood my daughter with sperm?"

"Robin: Can there be spankings?"

"Ninja Rick: Do they not realize that to be truly ninja you must speak "-chan" after every other noun??"

"Conquest: Why does my father believe I harbor some manner of pillow fetish?"

"Ultra Car: What an insane world I live in, said the talking automobile."

"Robin: Dora the Explorer tastes like brain damage."

"Mike: They're all dressed the same and praying. I think they're a cult. Can I set them on fire?"

"Amber: Do you have any idea how much paperwork there is if you kill Mike on the clock?! And I'm gonna have to fill it all out!"

"Ultra Car: It's repeatable, sloppy, it denigrates the other party, and it feels great. I wonder if this is what sex is like."

"Ethan: And I can't believe everyone's fancy makeovers happened while the gay guy was gone."

"Ethan: Every half hour I have to go back to my store and make sure Faz is wearing pants."

"Leslie: I think I prefer my evil to be unapologetic."

"Ethan: Enjoying our job is clearly forbidden in our handbook."

"Ethan: Power Rangers is just one of those eternal things, like death, taxes, or The Simpsons."

"Robin: I totally just had one of those awesome eighties movie montages!"

"Robin: I picked the wrong day to start drinking dish detergent."

"Ethan: Give me a moment so that I may appear conflicted."

"Hazel: I don't think inflatable sheep are considered "stuffed animals.""

"Hazel: Honey, he's hot, charming, funny, and well-dressed...inevitably, that adds up to "loves the cock.""

"Jameson: My and all this time I thought you couldn't smell jealousy."

"Jamie: You know, I'd say you're cute when you're jealous, but you're really not that cute."

"Hazel: Why are all my best compliments in the form of insults?"

"Hazel: I've never despised an ellipsis so much in my life."

"Jamie: Well, how do you know they don't use the Dewey Decimal System in porn stores?"

"Hazel: I think I just lost my status as "meanest character.""

"Chris: I thought dead hooker jokes were just JOKES!!"

"Scott: I take it I'm the only one in the room with a steady sex life."

"Hazel: Okay...Denial, Anger, Bargaining...I think I'll skip straight to Depression."

"Hazel: Believe it or not, this is ENTIRELY about me."

"Hazel: You're so mean it makes ME look good."

"Candy: How dare you analyze me so correctly!"

"Jamie: What IS wrong with Jim?"

"Jamie: Somewhere, in an alternate universe, you and I are covered in badges!"

"Jim: It wasn't a vacation. It was a leave of embarrassment."

"Jamie: I think about kids all the time! I hear they're delicious sauteed in butter."

"Maureen: Jamie, your breasts are...legendary."

"Jamie: Wow. And you aren't even sleeping together."

"Hazel: What's this? A miniature pony?"

"Jamie: We need a Heartbreak Bacardi and some free bartender advice over here!"

"Hazel: Calling it a "meeting" instead of "drinks" takes all the fun out of it."

"Hazel: Why do you always freak out when I'm in a good mood?"

"Hazel: How's it shakin', eggs 'n' bacon?"

"Hazel: That wasn't me, that was my ovaries."

"Jameson: Oh, thank GOD, you're finally getting LAID!"

"David: If you're suggesting I have bitchtits, I'm mildly offended. Unless you like bitchtits."

"Jameson: Sorry, I'm afraid you need less Asshole Points to access that information."

"Zach: They're OLD PEOPLE, not ZOMBIES!"

"Hazel: "Why are my cat's farts so nasty?" Oh Internet, is there nothing you don't know."

"Jamie: Remind me to trick you into complimenting me more often."

"Candy: Whoa, is that kangaroo hide?"

"Zach: Nonsense, you're far too sober to dump me."

"Davan: Which side has the crazier women? I want to feel at home."

"Within the first week of my attendance, I began noticing a number of strange occurrences. The most prevalent of these oddities being the fact that I seemed to have obtained a second shadow."

"There was only one sensible solution to this problem. Annie: "I must construct a robotic walking device which will provide you with transit across the bridge!""

"Nobody likes clowns."

"We have rules for a reason. For your safety. And if you're going to break them, you should try harder to not get caught."

"Robot Guard: No, I said Halt, not "Run Away"! Robot Guard 2: Maybe they didn't understand. Say it again!"

"Two interesting things happened on this day. The first was the end of the school year. And the second was when a god emerged from Gillitie Wood. We'll come to the latter in a moment."

"The world continues to spin, pup."

"Annie: Are... are you trying to make me angry? Jones: Yes. It helps me assess your character."

"You can soon take stock of a person when you give them a blade."

"A sword is a tool designed to inflict pain or death on a fellow human! Often spiritualised and glorified, they also serve as a physical metaphor for humanity's eternal, savage thirst for destruction!"

"Annie: Hmm, an ominous passage that plunges into an inky blackness, sealed behind lock and chain. Kat: You know what this means. Annie: We must see where it leads! Kat: Damn straight!"

"Annie: Coyote, how did you come to be in this forest? Are you not far from home? Coyote: The world is my home!"

"Coyote: How is that for an enigmatic answer? Ysengrin: Very enigmatic. It barely answers anything at all. Annie: In fact, it raises more questions than before. Coyote: Hahaha! Aw come on, I can't tell you everything right away! That would make for a boring story, don't you think?"

"Haha! Not just cows, laser cows! They keep the grass trim. Just like real cows! Only with lasers."

"Hmm, there's a lesson in all this. ... Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house."

"I continue to turn my face upwards, measuring the same temperature, the same humidity, radiation and thousands of other variables. But now a new metric has been added. The number of angels I have seen is "one". And I will keep watch for more."

"My school had one of these [artificial habitats]. No wait, they had a bike rack."

"I forgot to include a character that says "Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea", at every juncture."

"If you find yourself in a social situation, make threats."

"Scientific test number 1: Poke it."

"There was a time when the seven of us were happy together, knowing we had each other. Where did it all go wrong? Everyone ended up miserable. Were any of us ever happy after we split up? Back then, just being with each other was enough to make us happy. But why... What happened to us?—Episode 1; mourning on the beach after knowing his friends' miseries"

"It doesn't matter. If I could turn back time, if I could straighten out the errors and mistakes and make us all happy again like we used to be, I would do anything.—Episode 1; in response to the Voice's invitation to the time loop"

"I feel like I'm forgetting something important. What could it be? What am I missing? What did I forget? Why can't I remember?—Episode 2; unable to remember Jung-kook's death from the time loop's past iteration"

"Who... Who are you?!—Episode 2; to the Voice"

"It's the 11th of April again. I've been given a chance. A chance to make everything right again.—Episode 3"

"One day, we'll meet again. All of us. When that happens, let's go to the beach together.—Episode 3; to Nam-joon, before leaving to find and save Jung-kook"

"Can I really trust my memories?—Episode 3; upon going to the wrong location of Jung-kook's accident"

"The future keeps changing ... because something from the past changed. It was me. I jumped in and changed their fate. It was all because of me. I did this.—Episode 6; in the car accident with three of his friends, realizing his mistake in dealing with the time loop"

"There are too many variables. I don't know how things will play out.—Episode 6; deducing when and where Yoon-gi's arson will take place"

"Maybe there's nothing I can do, but I can't let anything happen to them. I just can't leave them alone.—Episode 9"

"So that's what a loop feels like... It ends before I can even do anything.—Episode 10"

"Maybe I'll fail again. But one thing's for sure: if I don't make a move, this vicious cycle will never end. I'm the only one who can end this.—Episode 13"

"Some things, you can't see from up close.—Episode 14"