"Randy Pinkwood: In entertainment news, it was revealed that the Doom movie does not take place on Mars, and features no hell demons. When asked for comment, script author David Callahan made the sound of a Choo-Choo train, suggesting that all present "get aboard." In other news, look out for the Metroid movie, about a rowdy team of baseball players who discover the true meaning of Christmas from a cowboy robot angel. Also, critics are giving my penis "Four Stars." Debbie in the mailroom calls it a "thrilling ride," with a "surprise ending" that will leave you breathless."