255 quotes found
"I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home."
"Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you."
"[locked in a closet] Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!"
"I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school."
"Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
"[on a telephone] Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!"
"Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."
"War Is Swell ...when the Marx Brothers are in it. They'll be out of the trenches by Christmas...if the food doesn't improve."
"Gags the whole town will be telling! Songs that will burst your bathroom walls! BOY HOW THEY HAND IT OUT!"
"A wild crazy nightmare of fun!"
"Laughing Soup...concocted, brewed and dished up by the Mad Marxes...Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo."
"The fanciest dish of screams—howls—beauty and music ever concocted."
"Bring Your Straight Jackets. You'll Roll In the Aisles."
"Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly"
"Harpo Marx - Pinky (pink wig appeared blonde in black-and-white film)"
"Chico Marx - Chicolini"
"Zeppo Marx - Lt. Bob Roland"
"Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Gloria Teasdale"
"Raquel Torres - Vera Marcal"
"Louis Calhern - Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania"
"Edmund Breese - Zander"
"Leonid Kinskey - Sylvanian Agitator"
"Charles Middleton - Prosecutor"
"Edgar Kennedy - Lemonade Vendor"
"[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you."
"[singing] Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going."
"[to audience] Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Why, you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you! Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a thin eerie voice, that reminds me of poor old Marsden. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away!"
"Friends, I'm gonna tell you of the great, mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa is God's country, and He can have it."
"Well, this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away for the winter. You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine! Frozen North, my eye! From the day of our arrival, we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, and back in bed at seven - this was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six thirty. One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat...Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers...Six of the biggest tigers...I bagged them. I...I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen."
"The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias. Of course, you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day, I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese, and is chased by the cats. The elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an 'elk-a-hole'."
"One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say, tusks. You try that some time...As I say, we tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks."
"I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact."
"Signor Emanuel Ravelli: [about playing bridge] How do you want to play...honest?"
"Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding"
"Harpo Marx - The Professor"
"Chico Marx - Signor Emanuel Ravelli"
"Zeppo Marx - Horatio Jamison"
"Lillian Roth - Arabella Rittenhouse"
"Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Rittenhouse"
"Louis Sorin - Roscoe W. Chandler"
"Hal Thompson - John Parker"
"Margaret Irving - Mrs. Whitehead"
"Kathryn Reece - Grace Carpenter"
"Robert Greig - Hives, the butler"
"Edward Metcalf - Inspector Hennessey"
"[to Mrs. Claypool] Don't you see, you'll be a patron of the opera. You'll get into society. Then, you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society, and all you've lost is $200,000."
"[to Gottlieb] I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this."
"Ladies and Gentlemen. I guess that takes in most of you. This is the opening of a new opera season, a season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool. [Applause] I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning. Tonight marks the American debut of Rodolfo Lassparri. [Applause] Senor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well known bass singer. And his father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. And now on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor. Play, Don."
"Can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?"
"Friends...how we happened to come to America is a great story. But I don't tell that. When we first started out, we got-a no idea you give us this-a grand reception. We donna deserve it. And when I say we donna deserve it, believe me, I know what I'm a-talkin' about...So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started, we get-a halfway across when we run out-a gasoline and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we-a just about to land - maybe three feet - when whaddya think? We run out-a gasoline again and a-back we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a halfway over when what-a you think-a happened? We forgot-a the aeroplane. So we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a a great idea. We no take-a gasoline. We no take-a the aeroplane. We take a steamship. And that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean."
"Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood"
"Harpo Marx - Tomasso"
"Chico Marx - Fiorello"
"Kitty Carlisle - Rosa Castaldi"
"Allan Jones - Ricardo Baroni"
"Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Claypool"
"Sig Rumann - Herman Gottlieb"
"Walter Woolf King - Rodolfo Lassparri"
"Robert Emmett O'Connor - Sergeant Henderson"
"Edward Keane - The Captain"
"Purnell Pratt - The Mayor"
"[giving a pill to a horse] Take one of those every half mile and call me if there's any change."
"[after examining Stuffy] Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!"
"[to Stuffy] Don't drink that poison! That's four dollars an ounce."
"Will you have the bellhop hop up with some hop scotch?"
"It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul!"
"Emily, I have a little confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse."
"[the racetrack trumpet sounds] So it's WAR! I'm off to the battlefield!"
"I dunno, but she wants a Hackenapuss, she gonna get a Hackenapuss."
"I'm going to someone who understands me, I'm going to Dr. Hackenbush!…Why, I didn't know there was a thing the matter with me until I met him."
"Three Great Laff Stars ! . . . more gags and gals . . . more songs and dances !"
"as the barrier goes up on the Whopper of all Musical Fun Shows!"
"America's Joy-Friends are back again in the grandest entertainment gallop of 1937! More howls, more girls, more song hits than "A Night At The Opera"! Oh boy!"
"The Year's BIG Laugh, Music and Girl Show!"
"Groucho Marx — Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush"
"Chico Marx — Tony"
"Harpo Marx — Stuffy"
"Allan Jones — Gil Stewart"
"Maureen O'Sullivan — Judy Standish"
"Margaret Dumont — Emily Upjohn"
"Leonard Ceeley — Whitmore"
"Douglass Dumbrille — J.D. Morgan"
"Esther Muir — Flo"
"Sig Ruman — Dr Leopold X. Steinberg"
"Robert Middlemass — Sheriff"
"[singing] I don't know what they have to say. It makes no difference anyway. Whatever it is, I'm against it."
"[to Baravelli] You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
"[about Connie] I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes. [To the audience] That's the first time I've used that joke in 20 years."
"[to Baravelli and Pinky, who have abandoned the football match in favor of playing cards] Do you realize what happens if we lose? It means shame! Disgrace! Humiliation! And besides, you're crazy if you don't play the ace!"
"Last week at this same hour I told you Mrs. Moskowitz was expecting a blessed event. Well, last night Mrs.Moskowitz had twins. O-KAY! MISTER MOSKOWITZ!! [blows a "crazy whistle"]"
"[impromptu radio announcement during the football match] Last week at this same hour I told you that Mrs. Moskowitz was expecting a blessed event. Well, last night Mrs. Moskowitz had twins. O-kay Mr Moskowitz! [blows siren whistle]"
"Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff"
"Harpo Marx - Pinky"
"Chico Marx - Baravelli"
"Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff"
"Thelma Todd - Connie Bailey"
"David Landau - Jennings"
"Robert Greig - Biology professor Hornsvogel"
"Reginald Barlow - Retiring President"
"E. H. Calvert - Professor in Wagstaff's office"
"Nat Pendleton - Darwin football player MacHardie"
"James Pierce - Darwin football player Mullen"
"Theresa Harris - Laura, Connie's maid"
"Walter Brennan - Football commentator (uncredited)"
"Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket."
"[to Chico] Now this is our cemetery. I've got a list of a hundred people just dying to get in. But I like you and I'm going to shove you in ahead of all of them. I'm going to get you a steady position. And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal."
"[Watching Harpo wobble away from the banquet table] Well, I got rid of one. And one like that is worth three ordinary ones!"
"Paramount's All Talking-Singing Musical Comedy Hit!"
"Groucho Marx — Mr. Hammer"
"Harpo Marx — Harpo"
"Chico Marx — Chico"
"Zeppo Marx — Jamison"
"Mary Eaton — Polly Potter"
"Oscar Shaw — Robert 'Bob' Adams"
"Margaret Dumont — Mrs. Potter"
"Kay Francis — Penelope"
"Cyril Ring — Harvey Yates"
"Basil Ruysdael — Detective Hennessey"
"Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!"
"Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?"
"With a little study you'll go a long way. And I wish you'd start now."
"[Posing as a reporter] Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you into that room quickly, Mrs.Smallhausen will sing a soprano solo in THIS room!"
"You roared at them in The Cocoanuts. You laughed your heard off at Animal Crackers. Now see the famous frenzied foursome in their merriest, maddest farce Monkey Business. The whole family will enjoy it."
"The Four Marx Brothers in their newest, funniest laugh-lark."
"Groucho Marx — Groucho"
"Zeppo Marx — Zeppo"
"Rockliffe Fellowes — J.J. 'Big Joe' Helton"
"Harry Woods — Alky Briggs"
"Thelma Todd — Lucille Briggs"
"Hello? Room Service. Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body."
"I still think it's a terrible play, but it makes a wonderful rehearsal."
"[taking off layers of clothing] Now I know how Gypsy Rose Lee feels."
""I'd like a license to hunt Wagner. He'd look great next to my moose"."
"Better... Battier... Funnier Than Ever!"
"Frank Albertson — Leo Davis"
"Alexander Asro — Sasha Smirnoff"
"Philip Loeb — Timothy Hogarth"
"Clifford Dunstan — Joseph Gribble"
"Ann Miller — Hilda Manney"
"Harpo Marx — Faker Englund"
"Groucho Marx — Gordon Miller"
"Chico Marx — Harry Binelli"
"Lucille Ball — Christine Marlowe"
"Charles Halton — Dr. Glass"
"Donald MacBride — Mr.Wagner"
"I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork."
"No thanks. Bad luck. Three on a midget."
"You're like a beautiful chandelier. I'd like to be around when you get lit up."
"It's the biggest dope ring in years. And Jardinet is the head dope!""
"I have an agreement with the houseflies. They don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling."
"[to Mrs.Dukesbury] Write me a check for ten thousand dollars and everybody will be happy,including the gorilla. And I DO mean you!"
"The last time I was on the ceiling was at a lodge meeting. The Chairman had the floor."
"You know what I say. Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer."
"I ain't got nothing, but you can always have half!"
"Keep the world laughing!"
"Groucho Marx — J. Cheever Loophole"
"Harpo Marx — Punchy"
"Chico Marx — Antonio 'Tony' Pirelli"
"Florence Rice — Julie Randall"
"Kenny Baker — Jeff Wilson"
"Margaret Dumont — Mrs. Susanna Dukesbury"
"Eve Arden — Peerless Pauline"
"James Burke — John Carter"
"Nat Pendleton — Goliath the Strongman"
"Jerry Marenghi — Little Professor Atom"
"Fritz Feld — Jardinet"
"Barnett Parker — Whitcomb"
"Charles Gemora — Gibraltar the Gorilla"
"Any resemblance between these two characters and living persons is purely accidental!"
"I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure."
"Lulubelle, it's you! I didn't recognize you standing up."
"Time wounds all heels."
"There's something corrupt going on around my pants but I just can't seem to locate it."
"I give you my solemn word as an embezzler, I'll be back in ten minutes."
"You must fan the flames of love with the bellows of indifference."
"I'm not in business for love, you know. I was in love once and I got the business."
"I'm not drunk, but, what's the ceiling doing on the floor?"
"Rusty, I no like-a the West. All-a the people do is kill each other. I like-a the West better if it was in the East. Let's get outta here."
"[to Quale] You said you was an embezzler, but, you no fool me. I knew you was a crook!"
"JUMP INTO YOUR BOOTS AND SADDLES...IT'S ROUND-UP TIME IN THE WILD AND WOOLY WEST!"
"The Looniest, Tuniest Musical Gag-And-Gal Show Since "A Night At The Opera""
"Rip-Roaring With Laughs, Girls, Songs!"
"Groucho Marx — S. Quentin Quayle"
"Chico Marx — Joseph Panello"
"Harpo Marx — Rusty Panello"
"John Carroll — Terry Turner"
"Diana Lewis — Eve Wilson"
"Walter Woolf King — John Beecher"
"Robert Barrat — "Red" Baxter"
"June MacCloy — Lulubelle"
"Tully Marshall — Dan Wilson"
"Iris Adrian — Mary Lou"
"Joan Woodbury — Melody"
"George Lessey — The Railroad President"
"Joe Yule — Crystal Palace Bartender Joe"
"Mitchell Lewis — Halfbreed Indian Pete"
"It's a gift from a grateful client. They hanged him last year."
"[to Ravelli] Why don't you assist Basil Rathbone and leave me alone?"
"Gorgeous Girls! Uproarious Fun! The Big Musical Show!"
"With gorgeous girls! Cute cut-ups! Lovely lasses!"
"Where everything is a good buy. Goodbye!"
"Song hits galore! 1000 laughs to a customer. Sale on howls! Sensational close-out on roars! Special fun and music bargains. Hurry hurry every laugh must go! No mail or phone orders please! Beauties and cuties!"
"Groucho Marx — Wolf J. Flywheel"
"Harpo Marx — Wacky"
"Chico Marx — Ravelli"
"Tony Martin — Tommy Rogers"
"Virginia Grey — Joan Sutton"
"Margaret Dumont — Martha Phelps"
"Douglas Dumbrille — Mr. Grover"
"William Tannen — Fred Sutton"
"Henry Armetta — Giuseppi"
"Anna Demetrio — Maria"
"Marion Martin — Peggy Arden"
"Virginia O'Brien — Kitty"
"Paul Stanton — Arthur Hastings"
"Russell Hicks — George Hastings"
"Well, gentlemen, I'm a different man behind a desk - as any stenographer can tell you. But, uh, what I want to know, is why they're burying the last manager. And don't tell me it's because he's dead."
"After all, I'm a man and you're a woman... and I can't think of a better arrangement."
"I don't mind being killed, but I resent hearing it from a character whose head comes to a point!"
"From now on the essence of this hotel will be speed. If a customer askes you for a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he asks you for a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he askes you for a one-minute egg, give him the chicken and let him work it out for himself!"
"It's a funny thing. I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"The Howl Raiser of 1946"
"100 Girls! 1,000 Scenes! 10,000 Laffs!"
"Groucho Marx — Manager Ronald Kornblow"
"Harpo Marx — Rusty"
"Chico Marx — Corbaccio"
"Sig Ruman – Count Pfferman/Heinrich Stubel"
"Charles Drake — Lieutenant Pierre Delmar"
"Lois Collier — Annette"
"Lewis L. Russell — Governor Galoux"
"Dan Seymour — Prefect of Police Captain Brizzard"
"Paul Harvey — Mr. Smythe"
"I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the international uranium-mining swindle. Scotland Yard was baffled; the FBI was baffled. They sent for me and the case was solved immediately: I confessed."
"Here's another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas."
"Mackinaw, you know I have a full record of the case, and tonight at the opening of the play you MAY have the solution, but when the curtain rises, Madam Egelichi will be in the front box, and sitting next to her will be Count B'ullabaisse - but if you take away the count's silk hat, his opera cloak and his full dress suit you'll have ME, shivering in my underwear."
"Hey, that's not my suit you're pulling."
"[to Madam Egelichi] Oh, no. I'm not gonna follow you and get shot. If I was half-shot I'd follow you."
"Look-a, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but-a please - don't play better than me."
"New Musical Girlesque!!!"
"Chico Marx — Faustino the Great"
"Groucho Marx — Detective Sam Grunion"
"Vera-Ellen — Maggie Phillips"
"Ilona Massey — Madame Egelichi"
"Marion Hutton — Bunny Dolan"
"Paul Valentine — Mike Johnson"
"Raymond Burr — Alphonse Zoto"
"Bruce Gordon — Hannibal Zoto"
"Melville Cooper — Lefty Throckmorton"
"Leon Belasco — Mr. Lyons"
"Marilyn Monroe — Grunion's Client"
"Eric Blore — Mackinaw"